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Has anyone recovered from SO OCD? It feels like I’ll be trapped with these thoughts forever.

Yesterday my friend from middle school that still lives in the state I grew up in messaged me on Instagram to tell me she is getting a divorce. This was totally out of the blue. We talked briefly earlier this year but she said her relationship was going great. I post very openly on my Instagram story and I'm a feminist. She said she liked my posts and thought I should know what's happening in her life. At first I was thinking, wow this is going to be a draining conversation and how will I get out of it without seeming rude. I am overly empathetic and I'm easily effected by other peoples hardships and I am getting better at not trying to fix people and their problems. So trying to avoid her problems was my first instinct so I didn't get too involved. The reverse reaction happened. I was able to share with her that I had a similar experience and I was divorced about 3 years go and I kept the marriage and divorce private and not even my family knew. I explained how hard it was to leave and how he was psychologically, emotionally abusive and manipulative. I didn't want to marry him and I didn't want to be with him so that is why I didn't share it with anyone, it was a disgrace to me. She said that what I shared helped her so much because it showed that people can go through hard times and still be okay. She was so kind and mature while still being down strodden but her situation. I got a sudden urge to clean my apartment and reorganize everything. I moved three weeks ago and I hadn't deep cleaned yet. I would eat in the bathtub and I had ants and residual soap rings on the tub. I avoid cleaning sometimes because it seems overwhelming to me. The conversation I had with her made something click in my brain. I had more emotional progress and mutual understanding in our 2 hr conversation than I had with any of my past therapists. She told me I was strong and that all the things I've overcome where inspiring. I told her how her divorce will be difficult but she obviously has been taking better care of herself and she will have a much better life without him. She trusted me to share details of him being unloyal and acusing her of things she didn't do. I danced for the first time since I've moved in! I love to sing and dance and I didn't feel comfortable in the new space until last night. I sing and dance at work (childcare) but I would always sit at home on my phone stricken with guilt. I put a mirror out in the living room and I listened to some Colombian Cumbia music and kept dancing until I was tired. I then responded to the rest of her messages and told her I was going to go take a bath. I have come so far, I can find energy and solidarity through someone else's hardship rather than feeling pulled down. It was a beautiful moment for both of us. We cried together and we talked about seeing each other for the Christmas season. I think the message is that sometimes things feel like they will trigger you but you might be more emotionally stable than you think. Sharing how terrible my life used to be helped me realize how good it is now. Thanks for reading :)

this theme is legit the worst. i hate that i’m pulling away from people i love and isolating myself because of this. i just want the worries and doubts to go away but idk how to sit with it when it feels so convincing. how am i supposed to accept uncertainty on something that goes completely against my morals and something i couldn’t live with if it were true? why do false attraction and groinals feel so damn real sometimes and how am i supposed to know the difference? i just feel scared to open up about this and confirming my worst fears.

Is anyone willing to share their experiences with taking these SSRIs? I want to give them a shot. I'm sick of sleepless nights, anxiety that is too much, and not being able to do the things I want in life because of OCD. I would really appreciate this.

I'm talking about medication. Nothing else is working. I can't sleep, ZzzQuil isn't helping, and deep breathing isn't good enough for me to calm my OCD. It's getting very bad. My psychiatrists are worrying about me. I'm losing sleep, I'm not doing the things I want to, I'm having bad relapse. My family doesn't want me to take medication but I'm beginning to run low on options. I just don't know how to navigate this without it being hectic because I know it will be.

Eating cookies, vomiting, blocking someone and other things,i feel like my heart and brain is going to explode please tell me what do i need to do to stop it,i used to have other compulsions and i thought the other compulsions were the reason my icd got much worse but now i understand it has nothing to do with the difference of compulsions,i just cant stop it

I know you’re going to say to talk to my therapist about this but honestly just looking for a little support. I have had intense rocd for pretty much the entirety of my relationship, (1.5 years) to the point where I question whether It’s rocd or just intuition that I pushed down from the beginning. It’s gotten better in general but i still have really bad days and sometimes weeks. That combined with the fact that I haven’t had a case this bad in any of my previous relationships (definitely it was present but not in the all consuming way it’s been in this one) has just made it extremely difficult not to think that if I were in a different relationship I wouldn’t have to deal with all of it. It’s a constant battle between my intrusive thoughts and compulsions about the relationship being wrong and my feelings not being enough, and knowledge that the ocd is something prevalent in many aspects of my life that i am going to have to live with regardless of what relationship I’m in. I’m just so tired of feeling guilty and not knowing what the right thing to do is, and fighting between the desire for escape and peace, and the desire to conquer my illness, and not truly believing that either result is possible.

I'm so scared at the idea of ERP because I feel like I'm lying to myself. Which I know is textbook but I feel like I have urges to think about these sexually explicit images for my own gratification. Which is so strange because I tell myself I don't want that. I love my girlfriend. And I know I don't want these things to happen but I'm scared that I want the thoughts. And that the whole concept of thinking about them intentionally will result in me enjoying them and wanting them. I want this to be over. I feel terrible every day but that doesn't mean I'm innocent. Anyone have any advice on how to tackle ERP with this in mind. I want this to end.

Lately I’ve noticed my OCD attach to my relationship. This usually happens when certain things are getting done or needs aren’t getting met. I’ve felt like my relationship is stagnant. I feel like I’ve been putting in the work for myself mentally and emotionally but my fiancée hasn’t. It feels like we’re at different points in our lives and it doesn’t help when she says things like “I can’t wait to be a stay at home wife” when in today’s economy, that probably won’t happen. How have you guys dealt with relationship issues like this? How can I express my feelings without making her feel attacked? Every time I try to bring things up, she gets defensive so I’m not sure if it’s my wording or tone. I’ve been thinking about couples counseling already just so we have a solid foundation (separate from my current feelings) before we get married but she didn’t seem very receptive to it.

Was on deviantart looking at art. Clicked something from an artist that makes triggering stuff and was hoping it wouldn’t have triggering material. It did, just like I knew. Why would I risk myself like that? Knowing it was gonna trigger me. It’s like I hoped it wouldn’t contain triggering material even though I knew it would. And then I didn’t immediately go off the page. I looked at it for a second and it felt like I wanted to like it even though the weird part made me feel uncomfortable. Like for a second it wasn’t uncomfortable and that scares me

I was petting a dog and my brain sexualized it but I continued. I didn’t do anything wrong to the dog and I never would but it’s like I still mentally indulged even tho it’s still not me as a person?? Unless it is bc I still indulged ? Help!

How do you stop your mind reminding you of your (past?) thoughts? The lingering effects of OCD are still there and It feels like I can’t shake off the OCD. I believe I am experiencing recovery as I have less anxiety. But it’s almost like my mind can’t be sure to let go and associates anything that triggered me to the OCD thoughts that I had so I won’t forget. I feel unsettled and can’t completely relax It’s always at the back of my mind that I had those OCD thoughts in the first place. And it isn’t purposefully as such, it’s just like a bitter taste in your mouth. I’ve had times when It didn’t feel lingering like this, but I felt okay (although I was hyperaware about feeling okay). But now I’m trying not to dwell on the OCD and push through but it lingers and makes me question why? It feels like an unanswered question of all my rumination or walking on eggshells. I hope that it’s not embedded in my mind.

I try to sleep, close my eyes, sleep for a tiny bit, get something in my mind to pop up, I feel a quick surge of small anxiety, I wake back up. How can I fix this? How can I get this to stop? I can't take this anymore

Ever since I was a little boy I always hated or feared confrontation. At the same I hated being walked over or disrespected, it made me feel so cowardly. Whenever I’d get into a small argument with a kid my age or get disrespected I’d automatically go into fight or flight then I’d retreat. I’d rethink that encounter all day, thinking of what I could have done, what I’ll do next time and what might happen. It’d be nonstop endless, I’d do it so much I couldn’t even stop if I wanted to. Perhaps that was the first signs of my OCD. Anyways now I’m an adult, today I’m not perfect but I’m so much better at confrontation. However, my mind still ruminates over little things and goes into a state of hyper vigilance. I know no one means any harm or anything but my mind can’t stop ruminating and trying to predict future conflicts. It goes on endlessly, and now I work it’s just the worst. The rumination is nonstop and I just it’d stop. I know they don’t mean any harm and even if they do I can muster up the courage to stand up for myself, I’ve done it before I’m capable. I was wondering if anyone else experiences this.

I go to art school and am taking this one illustration class with a pretty famous illustrator. He's one of my favorite professors, I respect him a lot and want him to like me. We were sketching in class and I threw out a quick thumbnail sketch — really rough and not entirely thought through, just to get the idea out. The article was about telling the truth to kids in history classes, so I started thinking of the Washington cherry tree myth — I had a hand off screen handing a cherry to a child, and was going to have a dark, rotting cherry tree in the background. I just threw out the sketch in two seconds and moved onto the next; I wasn't thinking about it too much. My prof then came over and he made some comments about the other sketches I did. He then said about that sketch, "I don’t wanna be a creep but having a little girl and a cherry…” and then it clicked and now I feel so fucking terrible and I feel like he thinks im a pedo. I know I'm not, but I've just been spiraling and feeling so gross and terrible about myself. God ugh.

18+ UPDATE: I genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless...

I didn't sleep all night because of anxiety. I hate this so much. Then that gives me even more anxiety because I'm not sleeping. Then the anxiety gets so bad that I end up relapsing to porn. So I didn then while doing so I used a game to get a collection of attractive women but one of them was dressed like this character from an anime who is 14. But she looks nothing like the character, she looks like a normal attractive adult woman but I feel awful now knowing that the cosplay was somewhat going for this character and she is the same name as this character. I feel terrible. I hate this shit. I hate that this keeps happening to me. I just want to get good sleep again. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I try deep breathing and the thoughts just get louder. I hate this

Having really bad anxiety that has caused me not to sleep at all and I relapsed to adult content and saw sexual content in a game that has a female character dressed as an anime character that I didn't know and went with it but then I realized that character is 14 when though in the game it just looks like a grown woman dressed like the character somewhat. Now I feel even worse and I just can't deal with this anymore

At my worst I felt like it was a wrap for me. I genuinely believed I’d never be able to be a normal person again or have a normal life. But here I am, feeling 10x better and slowly regaining control of my life again. I’ve started dating again, working out consistently, studying and feeling optimistic about the future. Still have my moments, as we all know OCD is chronic and will always be around. But that voice that was at MAX volume inside of my mind, is now very low and very easy to ignore most of the time. It’s an ongoing process, but compared to where I was and where I am now it’s a night and day difference. It can be done, good luck to you all 🤞🏾🍀

Hi all! I made an entry on substack before I started therapy, and I just wanted to share it incase anyone who’s beginning their journey or continuing with it might relate. I must say, my life has gotten better, the thoughts have gotten better, and my relationships have improved since starting here. Like I said in my entry, I previously thought therapy wasn’t for me until I started here, and I’m glad to say now that it DEFINITELY IS! WHY DO I CARE? Why do I care so much? Often it feels like the smallest unplanned reaction (or, more likely, the “wrong” reaction) has me second guessing everything. Did I come off too strong? Did I say something horrible and immediately forget? Does this person dislike me now? Are they still my friend? Will everyone leave because I’m too much? I search the internet as if the answer evades me, but the search brings me back to what I already knew was causing these constant obsessions: Autism and OCD, both of which I’ve had all my life (though only fully realized in the last few years). A joke felt an insult, a shush seemed like a hatred, and actual confrontation? A living nightmare. These diagnoses have helped explain why everything felt so serious all my life. My parents had a delayed arrival home? Someone hurt them and is coming for me next. A fire truck goes by while in class? My apartment must be on fire. I cannot find my cats? They escaped in the fraction of a second the front door was open. And finally, the least favorite of “my special little quirks” is the intrusive images of me laying deceased at the bottom of the staircase anytime I start my decent, convincing myself I’m one misstep away from an untimely death. OCD and Autism coalesce to form a torturous reality. OCD allows me to ruminate and obsess over every conversation and Autism allows my obsessions/ruminations to reach a crescendo, leaving me broken and battered. They combine into a devastating dance of obsession, fear, and loneliness; the movements mesmerizing in their passion, and stupefying in their horror (I’ll never apologize for being queer and dramatic; it’s simply my nature). Why does this happen? What wrath have I incurred to make my every waking thought a jumble of anxiety and stress? It might be due to my childhood; the emotional unavailability of my parents whose early experiences outpace mine on required therapy hours. It may be genetic, as more and more studies seem to demonstrate a biological correlation. Or it could just be my everlasting luck, which always seems to run out right when I need it most. Despite what most of society would have you believe, I’m not convinced that understanding the origin will change the outcome. I spent many years in therapy learning the roots of why I am the way I am; why I function as I do. I have been through a few different therapists - all great in their own right until I would get to the dreaded question following a few weeks of counseling: “I understand that A is from B and B is from C; I understand the tools I can use when experiencing these feelings; I understand that healing is not linear and things take time. What I do not understand is how to fundamentally change my thinking so I will not be this way anymore. How do I stop it?” Each and every time, I was met with more suggestions on how to cope, ways to distract myself, and things to placate my “abnormality.” All of this is not to say therapy is bad or cannot help someone in my position, but it is to say that maybe my expectations needed adjusting. OCD and Autism are not akin to disease of the body (in the traditional sense). They are not something to be cured and forgotten. They are parts of me whether I choose to accept it or not. They are the way my brain views the world, processes information, and understands my experiences. Maybe they are neither good nor bad, black nor white, but just there. Maybe I just need to learn to live with that. Midnight-fueled internet rabbit holes and articles written by similarly diagnosed peers are the only railings in sight keeping me from tumbling over the edge, and I will be forever grateful for the community we find in the loneliness.