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I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m so tired and frustrated. I’m on meds and in ERP therapy. I’m trying but I feel like I’m stuck.

I literally hate my mental health. I remember back before 2018, I was so analytical about everything, I was witty and had an impressive vocabulary. It's only after being manipulated and gaslighted into insanity I have inwardly changed for the worse. I don't know if it was meant for me to drawl closer to God and rely on his vindication, to remind me that the talents and gifts I had were a blessing from him and not of my own doing. I feel as if this Temu version of the Truman Show has not only taken my empathy, sanity but sometimes my faith in the goodness of mankind. Some of the intrusive thoughts that go through my brain are so repulsive that it has brought me to tears. Caused me to abuse alcohol and substances just for a moment of clarity. But somehow the powers that be manage to put me in the most detrimental environments for my mental, physical and spiritual health. I've begged for help from medical professionals, family or who I thought were family only to be gaslit further into despair. I literally feel as if it's me against the world. The first individual that orchestrated a huge facade in my life is literally behind bars for what he was putting me through. Now the new face is doing the exact same thing. It's as if Hitler was taken out of power and was replaced with Stalin. I feel as if that if I'm surrounded by lies, deceit and manipulation than that's what is going to control my mind. Someone now days can just mention a phrase around me that I know that isn't true and my mind will just take off with it. It's gotten so bad that if someone misplaced something, my mind will tell myself and "them" I've stolen it only for them to find the item moments later. My mind will call me a liar when I'm speaking the truth, it's as if the complete opposite of what I want to say will pop up in my head. It's only gotten worse and even individuals that I consider a friend my mind will say hateful or hurtful things or just flat out disgusting things. An I know for a fact my mind is a open book, so then I believe that people believe these horrific things are true about me. Then the compulsions begin, where I'm fighting the lies and a lot of the time, they win. I just want my children back. I want my assets, I want to help people. I'm so tired of being a spectacle. Can I ever trust someone again? Will I ever be happy and I mean truly happy again?

I went to Church this morning, I have been super distant from God but I want to come back. I went to confession yesterday (I’m Catholic) The whole time I was in church I felt so sick and felt like I was gonna pass out. The thoughts were so loud I felt so uncomfortable, and then my siblings came to sit next to me, I have been avoiding them because of what’s going on in my mind I just don’t feel comfortable being around them. I literally had an anxiety attack, I also went up to receive the Eucharist. Both these ocd subtypes just started to go all wacko it made me feel so not good. Whatever is going on with me is literally destroying my life.

i’m 21, 22 in june, and i feel so lost. i don’t know my path and i feel like time is running out. im also struggling with the fact that im now an adult, things considered ‘adulting’ like cooking for yourself, changing your bed, tidying up, washing pots etc. i don’t do, im ashamed to say my mum still does it most of the time for me. my mum has been on vacation, i have so many chores to do and im procrastinating them because i just don’t want to do them. i’m ordering takeout because i dont want to cook, or im having microwave meals. i know i sound like a bratty toddler but the thing is i dont WANT to do these things for myself. i wanna know if anyone else is going through it similarly?

Has anyone else’s health related ocd felt incredibly real? I have convinced myself that I am developing a life long chronic illness. I feel the symptoms of this disease quite strongly and it feels so real. I am not sure if it’s strong anxiety or depression but I do not feel right in my body. I feel sleepy and bad during the day and awake at night. I am so fixated on my energy levels that I have intense stress and panic attacks about it. When I was on Prozac (which I had to stop due to side effects) I didn’t feel these energy limiting symptoms. I do not trust myself to even go to the doctor about it because I am scared I will be wrongfully diagnosed with this disease. I feel bad for those around me at this point because my friends and family don’t know what to do for me. I am struggling to get my work done or do anything at the moment and my exposures are causing intense anxiety attacks. Can anyone give any tips or relate?

Hey everyone I just need some insight My fear is becoming someone that cannot love, or miss people, or connect with others. My fear is being empty without identity too. I think ocd has made me feel empty that I can't really answer questions about myself, that I can't even tell what is a real emotion. I specifically want to become someone who feels love, care, who has a proper identity. Maybe I am already but my brain feels foggy Wren I speak to someone, I am constantly thinking and checking if I am feeling, if I am connecting with them. I have to poke at different brain states to get a bit of emotion I don't really know what's wrong. Any insight is appreciated Growing up I did some bad things like pretend to be a super happy person so that others liked me. This makes me gross. I also wanted people to care about me, to feel cared for, so I would actually pretend to be sick ☹️ this makes me think I am genetically bad I know I had good points when I was younger, but I can't even think about what those are and I can't find the memories. I can only remember the stuff that confirms my fear. I just want to be free, loving, caring

I’m relatively new to exploring my OCD, and have been struggling with this for years but only recently put a name to it and explored the symptoms and tools for managing it. I’ve also recently committed to a relationship, and this post orients heavily around that subject. I’m a sophomore in college, and it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship this serious. He’s a junior at a different college about 1.5 hours away. We study two vastly different things, and he’s very occupied with a number of commitments. (This is important later) I told him on one particularly bad morning about how my brain operates and obsessive thoughts that occupy my head, especially about him. I elaborated on fixation and illogical thoughts. He’s attentive and knew something was up, and came up with a mechanism for reassuring me when I’m questioning the validity of his feelings towards me (I would get worked up about the way he said something, or unresponsiveness, or something). I don’t think he knew what he was getting himself into though, and now I feel like a burden to him and should just end things before he can’t handle all my bagage anymore. As indicated, this is the first time in a while that I’ve been in a serious relationship. My past has been riddled with sexual validation instead of emotional and intellectual. I care extremely deeply though about whoever I’m committed to, and with him I bend over backwards to make things happen. He, as indicated, is extremely career focused, and while I think he’s comfortable in our relationship and does like me (further, that we both have a similar desire to love deeply), he will frequently prioritize his career more while trying to “fit me in”. I feel like I’m doing too much for someone that isn’t always reciprocating the same level of effort, but I think the crux of it is that I’ll put everything else aside for him while he manages to balance me, his social life, and career with more ease. Recently, he told me that I call/text/am involved too much. Essentially, that he can’t call me every night and when we do call it’s for hours on end and this is impeding on the rest of his life and it should be scaled down a bit. My brain took this to an extreme, and all I wanted to do is run. Illogical thoughts said this was the beginning of the end, that I’ve messed up a good thing, and that I’ve come on too strong with both my OCD, reassurance, and deep feelings. I haven’t been able to let it go, and have spiraled into all sorts of justifications about what he “really” feels and why. In the moment I was angry, upset, and irrational. I’ve calmed down, and I know these thoughts aren’t logical and further that my brain is attacking me. It’s a flare up, and I recognize that but how do I navigate my OCD with my partner? Also, a little advice would be appreciated. How set boundaries with myself for giving him a little breathing room- now that the novelty of the new relationship is dying down. How does my OCD play into this, especially with analyzing how he feels, and how do I quiet the obsessive thoughts in my head. Disclaimer- I know OCD comes in all types of forms, and that this isn’t the most extreme. My symptoms are very real though, and impede my ability to think and function properly. I appreciate any grace you all have :) thank you.

Went to a birthday celebration with my mom's friend, it wasn't a party or anything more so of a gathering. I felt awkward at first and struggled to speak, but I grew to feel more comfortable. But instead of making an entire storytime I'll just list of things that triggered me and how I dealt with it ! Trigger #1: One asked me if I had a partner currently, mostly since tomorrow is Valentines Day. I remember telling her when I was in a discovery phase that I wasn't straight, now I am straight/demi and Soocd got really triggered because I was asked "partner" and not boyfriend. My real Event OCD got triggered as well from my first relationship (which I've mentioned before, has traumatized me) but instead of saying or doing anything to attempt to "reassure me" I just said "no no no haha" and left it as that. Completely uncertain. "^.^ I may seem gay which that isn't true, but it's not a sin if I was so... oh well if that thought is the case. Trigger #2 (aka most memorable one): I Was told a little kid is coming over, POCD was grinning. I was nervous and even said "Ok, I'm not really a baby person lol.. I'm not good with kids whatsoever" and so the kid came. He is barely a toddler. Me and a member at the gathering was left with the kid to take care of for a while and I said, "haha left it with the two people who doesn't know how to deal with kids. 😅" But oh well, we decided to watch Mickey Mouse with him and as time passed my, my OCD sort of dimmed temporarily.. I began to talk to the kid and make silly gestures. I pointed at things from the video and gave words of encouragement each time he said something. I was then told: "Ok, what do you mean you're not good with kids? You are really GOOD with kids!" I had a suprised smile and it's like my OCD took offense by it. That sort of led to me playing with the kid even when I didn't have to anymore, he played with my bracelets and watched Mickey Mouse as I let him be on my lap. We played peekaboo for a few minutes and we looked at silly filters on Instagram. At one point he began to feel really comfortable and sleepy on me. Etc. I felt like I was no longer crazy, I got to finally see who I really was as a person for once. I was taken pictures of with the little boy in my arms. He was super cute..! --- When I had to leave, the baby began to point towards me and cried. I felt my eyes began to slightly watered suddenly and I waved bye to him. Wow. Huh... Yes my OCD still gave me awful intrusive thoughts at some point, I had scary thoughts such as "What if the baby saw something offensive on my phone? Uh oh that Instagram sticker is odd I'm scared I traumatized him somehow... ugh, did everyone think I was weird? I was awkward, I think?" Which DO NOT answer !!! I didn't answer, and I didn't listen to my mind, I just shook my head and continued on. Oh well if it's true. <:") Ehh ehh you see me sitting with uncertainty again ? 🌝✨️ But uhm.. I'm happy with how this afternoon went and it left me feeling a certain way. OCD makes me feeling a heartless girl and a monster, I never feel as gentle anymore and I feel as if I don't have a sweet heart. But times like these reminds me that OCD is wrong, I am a gentle being. <3

I can’t even function during the day that night replays in my head. I am having trouble eating :/

Hi everyone I am wondering if anyone else experiences this? I feel like I have conversations in my head all the time. If I am not actively having a conversation with someone I am almost daydreaming about having conversations. It’s almost like instead of having internal dialogue about my obsessions I am imagining myself talking about my obsessions with someone else? The daydreams in and of themselves are obsessions I think lol! Is this a “mental compulsion”? If it is I do it all the time and don’t know how to stop lol.

Valentine's Day can be hard, whether you're in a relationship or not. A day that's all about love and togetherness can sometimes amplify feelings of loneliness, sadness, or grief. If you’re feeling this way (today or any day), here are a few things to remember. 1. You are worthy of love, exactly as you are. Your worth isn’t defined by your relationship status—and whether you’re single or partnered, the way that your Valentine’s Day goes doesn’t measure your worth or how loved you are. 2. Love comes in many forms. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be all about romantic love. You can also celebrate the love you have for friends, family members, pets, and anyone else who brings joy into your life. 3. Your relationship with yourself is important, too. Try to make time for something that brings you joy today, whether it’s a special meal, a long nap, or a rom-com marathon. 4. Social media tends to only show the highlights. Valentine’s Day can come with a lot of pressure. Social media can add fuel to the fire with endless opportunities to compare ourselves and our relationships to others. Remember that there is no “perfect” relationship; everyone’s experience is unique. 5. There’s no shame in needing help. This day can bring up strong emotions for anyone. OCD can make those feelings even more intense. If you feel overwhelmed, working with an OCD specialist can help you navigate your feelings and equip you with the tools you need to manage difficult emotions.

Afraid I’m lukewarm again and complacent and feel like I don’t spend enough time with the Lord or when I repent I feel like I just say and and keep acting the same way. I love to be silly and laugh and stuff but feels like wrong. I don’t want to cherry pick but how do I know if I am or not I believe in him and his sacrifice I’m just scared when I die I’m gonna be a fraud and that I’m not a true disciple cuz I’m not bold in my faith or talk about it much but try to represent Christ wherever I go in public but my inward things I struggle with make me fake and evil and don’t feel like I’m being truly transformed and still struggle with so much

Yesterday I got high ( by weed ), it was really fun and I felt like I had peace of mind. When I woke up this morning I was afraid, afraid that what if I did something horrible and then forgot about it, because I was under the influence. I am currently in a cottage with some of my vest friends, but I am in a state of so much panic and anxiety. I am afraid that my friends are withholding information about the night, and that they now think I am a terrible and dangerous human being. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advise on how to deal with ocd in relation to getting high, and the aftermath of that.

i have many chronic health issues, the foremost being dysautonomia (dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system), the cause of which is still unknown. i experience drastically varying levels of nausea, dizziness, fatigue, headaches, etc every day, and having such an unpredictable condition that's also unidentified really aggravates my ocd. any time i have a symptom i haven't had in a while, or a new combo of symptoms, or i'm on a new medication (like right now) my brain immediately goes into overdrive. i'm hyperaware of what's going on in my body and desperately trying to figure out what's causing it, whether anything is different, and of course googling obsessively, even if i've googled it many times before. it just sucks. plus all the bullshit of having to deal with the healthcare system and insurance makes me anxious and enraged. i get caught in thought spirals about this as well. if anyone can relate please share. it's rough out here. 🤕

Part of me feels embarrassed to post about this, but if you’ve seen a bit of my other posts you already know my home life isn’t too good. My dad is abusive and a very disgusting person who does not even deserve to be called a father. As much as I love my mom and we’ve gotten much closer, it would be a joke to say my mom isn’t neglectful, and our home is in very bad shape as I’ve stated before. One of the things neglected in this house is privacy, as during a fight my parents had broke down the bathroom door, and have yet to fix it. This was months ago mind you, maybe even going on a year. We still have no bathroom door and there’s only a blanket covering it, and even though I’ve told my mom multiple times how uncomfortable it makes me, nothing seems to get done about it. Originally she said she was going to get it fixed, but now she repeats “we’re getting out of this” (assuming she means moving away and divorcing my father which has been the plan for sometime) part of this makes me feel so angry with her, because while yes I absolutely despise my dad, the houses condition is primarily my moms fault, and she takes no responsibility for it. I won’t say the door was entirely her fault it was more of a 50/50 thing, but the rest of the house minus the holes from my dad punching the walls, IS her fault. As I said previously, me and her have gotten much closer with the reason advents that have happened, but it still bothers me very badly. Is this unreasonable?

I am afraid to take OCD meds since some of them are the same that's being used to control bipolar and schizophrenia and since there's a genetic component I'm scared that if I take these meds I will get bipolar or schizophrenia or at least get worse also some of the side effects are intolerable so what do u think am I overreacting what was and what is Ur experience with OCD meds

Can your OCD make you think of some terrible outcome, and the only way to make the outcome not happen and replace it with a good ending is to do this other thing instead? Only for that other thing to not be helpful or worse even? Like you did this one thing to not have something terrible happen because your OCD made you think so, only for the thing your OCD made you think was good, actually wasn't good for anyone?

I think I just went through a little moment that triggered me. I was at the beach with my family. My sister and brother in law are in town from a state that just had snow. My mother was working from home today so she came to the beach too. I’m unemployed so I also went. I go there at 12:30pm, mom was there and my sister & brother in law were there but went for a walk. I walked with my mom and swam in the ocean too. After a while around 1:30/1:45 my sister and brother in law come back. We’re all hungry so my mom sends them to get sandwiches for us. This is around 2pm. My mom was on a work call and I was alone. I use to be a lifeguard at the beach so I felt that they were watching me and judging me even though they probably weren’t. I thought maybe they are judging me for not being at work right now. For being at the beach on a Thursday instead of working. That I’m privileged or why am I not doing something better with my life. I think it was my own internal critic and my brain convinced they were really judging me. I couldn’t bear to be alone at the beach while waiting for my sister to come. I thought I should be doing something more productive with my life. It’s makes me upset because I know that I won’t always have the opportunity to be with my family all the time and I can’t even enjoy it without criticizing myself for not working. I know I will work in the future. Hopefully doing something I love. But I’m in a transition phase right now. The post college into adulthood phase. The figuring life out phase. It doesn’t help that I feel extra judged by my brother in law. Yesterday he said “so what do you do all day? Are you working? It’s good to be busy.” So being at the beach with him doesn’t exactly feel relaxing. Even though I just want to spend time with my sister since she moved states. I decided to get up and leave. I instantly started questioning myself. Why am I leaving? Should I go back? No I if I go back now I’ll look crazy. These episodes of going back and forth. Of not being able to go all the way with one decision are frequent for me. They make me cry because it’s like I can’t think for myself. I thought I should go home and do something productive but at the same time my family is at the beach and I want to be with them right now. But if I go back I’ll look crazy and they’ll ask me why I left. I didn’t go back but I want to.

Having panic attack I know I’m not choking because I can talk and it’s been 20 minutes but I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m alone and I’m so scared to be alone

18+ THIS SITUATION HAPPENED 4-5 YEARS AGO UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now (over 2 months) and i dont want to lose her... she's kind, and lovely, and the one I wanna marry one day... but then I look at myself... and my past... and I genuinely don't think I deserve her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...