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I try to imagine a future w my bf and it just keeps popping up my exes face. Or anything. It’s so distressing. Even talking abt it feels like cheating.

my full story!!! never have i questioned my gender. i never experienced any form of GD nor have i ever wanted to be a boy. i had always wanted to be a pretty, feminine lady. when i was 10 had this typical style that all young girls have at some point—it was like pink tank tops, white skirts and yellow shorts. i loved shopping for various skincare products (to be fair, mainly to impress my cousin and sister) and i LOVED hair. i always wanted long, blonde hair. i wanted to be a hairdresser. despite all of this, i’m left with the lingering question: “what if i’m trans?” this started from a dream i had about me wearing a suit and tie. it was very random but it freaked me out. i researched why i had the dream and it all the questions were all the same. “you might admire some women in suits!” “you might aspire to have power!” “you might want to be a girl boss!” none of these excuses felt like me. it didn’t feel right so i just kept searching. but here’s the other thing. this next thing is sort of what feeds the obsession. i use envy men a lot. like i always thought they got more attention, more power and people swooned over them more than women. i was introduced to a popular fandom at the start of 2025 which i literally loved. the main ship were two straight men. i shipped them. i admired the dynamic. their ship got the most attention in the show. i of course blamed that on gender. i got very jealous of the attention and wanted to be in a relationship like that. like i would try and act like one of the characters (i didn’t try to look like him i just wanted to be like him because he seemed cool) and imagined myself being with a boy (me as a girl though) and basically ‘wearing the pants’ in the relationship because the more dominant man in a mlm or even the most dominant person in a straight ship always seem like the coolest. i still imagined myself as a woman like i didn’t want to be in a gay relationship, i wanted to be in a straight relationship. but in october last year i saw a video that resonated with me. it said “i want to be in a mlm relationship as a woman” and the top comment was “this is how i found out i was trans btw” and that didn’t scare me. but then i got curious. i didn’t feel like a boy and i still don’t now. so i went onto chat gpt… yeah i know. not the best. i rarely visit that website anymore. but i told it about what i was going through and it said all these different labels which i didnt understand. demigirl however, resonated with me. at least i thought it did. a few weeks later it kinda just wore off. but i started to get involved with political matters and yada yada i was an alt girl. i was very accepting of the lgbtqia community. i wanted a future in human rights or politics. i think i kind of tried to push labels onto myself as the alt community is very diverse. i have also been dealing with other themes recently regarding health and i’m worried that the fact that trans ocd faded go a bit and it came back meant i was in denial. and why when i read the phrase “trans man” i get weird excited feelings that i have never felt? and the other night i was looking at pictures of myself when i was really young wearing dresses and what not and it made me feel happy. it provided me with a bit of certainty. advice? also here are the main intrusive thoughts i get \\\\- what if i’ve been lying to myself my whole life? \\\\- what if i’m trans? \\\\- what if i’m in denial? \\\\- what if everyone leaves me? \\\\- what if i find out later and everyone leaves me? \\\\- what if i’m secretly trans? \\\\- what if i’m trans without euphoria or dysphoria? \\\\- what if because i would try and act like boys in kindergarten to impress boys means i’m a boy? \\\\- what if my life is a lie? \\\\- what if i’ve been repressing my whole life? and my compulsions: \- testing how i feel with he him or son or with a masculine body (i tested how i felt with a deep voice and i felt dizzy, anxious, sad, and i almost started crying.) \- reassurance seeking \- mental reviewing i have always wanted to be a mother, a girlfriend and a wife. i don’t want to lose this part of me.

I've been in ERP since October after my OCD symptoms skyrocketed at the beginning of my pregnancy (currently 31 weeks). My therapist and I have been running into a wall a lot lately because I'm having a VERY hard time doing response prevention as I'm home alone with my 4 year old nearly all day every day, who is a big trigger for me considering my struggles specifically with POCD. So, I find myself doing mental compulsions ALL the time. And I sometimes am not even sure of what I'm doing, even though I've been educated on the topic. Meds are not on the table until after baby comes, and I have no opportunity for outpatient programs in my area. My therapist is trying to give me options so I can be best supported and said if I was interested in trying I-CBT, she could refer me to a therapist who specializes in it. But I've already done so much ground work for ERP, that part of me feels like I'd have to start at square one to do I-CBT. Also, I feel like some tactics conflict one another among the two forms of therapy, which might end up confusing me. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Does anyone have any thoughts? Has anyone benefited more from I-CBT than ERP who struggled with a lot of mental compulsions? Any feedback would be appreciated ❤️

"(Said person) was a lonely guy, had zero friends, is quite shut out of the world, awkward, and turns out to be a murderer or disturbing individual." I hear an example of that during History class and it spiked my OCD up. :^( I'm quiet, lies. I'm really loud, but due to my school past, real events, and mental illness, I'm really shy and quite shut down. I rarely have any friends, and overall I'm very awkward and almost feel like an alien and odd . I know that doesn't mean I'll be a murderer/weirdo in the future (despite Real Event OCD/OCD in general twisting it all), but along with the "quiet kid" stereotype- I'm scared that people somehow see me as that way. It doesn't help that I used to be awfully EDGY as a younger teen. I just feel like an alien, and it messes with how I see myself as a girl. I'm really into cute and all feminine stuff but with all of this, I just feel so sub-human and I compare myself to every girl I see. I've began to dissociate with these thoughts and it just sucks . I feel so insecure and don't feel alive. I've been wondering if I might be neurodivergent as well with the way my social cues are & other factors, but I don't know.. : ( Does anyone have insight/experience on these things ?

Hey everyone. I need a friend right now. I feel like you guys are the only ones who understand truly. And I need advice. And I need a friend. Specifically one who gets periods. I have been on here a few times complaining my period is late and the OCD it brings up to me. I’m celibate. Abstinent? Technically still a virgin. So is my partner. We don’t want the risk of kids. And abstinence is the best way. We have no stable life to give them so it isn’t an option- Despite this every month my period is late. Even just by a day or even if I’m not early. I assume I’m pregnant. It’s a huge fear of mine. Every single month. The specifics of this fear is one of a few. My lovely partner did something to me in my sleep. I know he’d never do anything without my consent so it then moves too. You cheated on him. And just don’t remember. Then it turns to no one will believe you. And you’ll lose the trust of everyone you love. And they’ll all abandon you (that’s where most of my stuff goes too. Being alone) with some sick ones of looking at every male around me with suspicion because if not my partner then who. Because my brain convinced me somehow I fell pregnant impossibly. This is the longest I have ever gone without a period. 48 days I’m pretty sure since the last one. I haven’t skipped a period since I was 11. I have felt period symptoms I thought. A cramp sensation in my ovaries, sensitive nips. All things I have felt before a period before. But no period. My brain is twisting these too though. Then there is the “oh no what if it’s something worse. Like a cancer or anything like that” which freaks me out a lot. My last few periods were (tmi) brown or black-ish? Like the blood wasn’t fresh. I went to the doctors, given my cousin having PCOS. And me having some symptoms that match. She wanted me to do a blood test. I have been putting it off. Scared to know and scared to not. I can’t bring myself to go. Mainly because they never find my veins so I become a pin cushion sometimes with no results. But also because I’m so scared. It’s nearly been a week since I last tried to let them take blood.. I can’t do what I need to do. And I’m terrified. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could do it. But I simply can’t get myself too. Please help me anyone. How do I get through this?

My boyfriend is going through a hard time in life and I already have a hard time trying to not think i'm the cause but we had a conversation today about his issues and mine - he said mine are like a little wrinkle on the relationship that he's not used to but it's not overwhelming - so I know he's okay atleast for now - my problem is first, i keep trying to replay the conversation in my head to see if we are still okay or if i've pushed him away because of my need to constantly talk about it - but in reality i actually try not to talk about it too much to overwhelm him - but secondly, he's the person I want to talk to the most about and try to find comfort in him

The other day i was feeling desperate and hopeless. So I made a post on here to rant because I feel like the topic is so taboo that I didn’t have anywhere else to go. A few hours later, my post got flagged for asking for reassurance. In my post I don’t think I deliberately asked for reassurance, and essentially just wrote down everything that was going through my head. My making this post I guess all I was hoping for was for someone to say “You are not alone” but instead it felt like a slap in the face. I understand that asking for reassurance can be dangerous in OCD but I know that the situation I’m going through right now is deeper rooted than OCD but it keeps getting brushed off because I have been diagnosed with OCD. Even then though, My old therapist used to tell me not to hang out with others with ocd because we’ll just make things worse for each other and that makes the condition even more isolating. It’s like they want to treat us all like we have CF and aren’t allowed to come in contact with each other. Again like I can’t talk about it, I can’t talk about it, so I come here to a safe place I feel like I can talk about it and they tell me to keep it to myself.

Today is my 16th birthday and ocd is attack me so badly, its real event combined with false memory and its extremely extremely taboo that I cant even say it on this app or it'll get taken down. It hurts how I can't tell anyone and I literally just ended up breaking down.

My SOOCD is running rampant today. I’m in a happy relationship, I plan to spend the rest of my life with this man. Recently after listening to to coworkers talk about their SOO and dating life etc I found myself questioning myself. I could notice someone’s lips or physique or facial structure and because they’re of the same sex my mind says “What if you’re gay?” And then that in turn leads to so many more what ifs and questions and it brings me anxiety. I try to say “maybe maybe not” but sometimes it doesn’t seem to work. I’m come to the conclusion attractiveness is a spectrum and I find both genders attractive in their own ways but I have never desired to have sexual interaction with the same sex. Queue the OCD “BUT WHAT IF”. Anyways I’m just struggling today. What if I was? I wouldn’t want to leave my relationship, I love him so much and he loves me and he’s my very best friend. Isn’t that what we all aim for anyways? Regardless of gender don’t we all want to be loved? So I’m happy… why does my brain keep questioning such good things in my life 😞

There comes a time just before you release something when everything shakes. Not loudly, not enough for the world to take notice, but just enough for you. You sense it in your chest, like an unanswered question, like standing on the brink of something undefined. The leaf doesn’t fall due to failure or weakness; it falls because the season demands it. Yet, there is still resistance. The branch recalls the weight, the shade, the quiet companionship of what once held on. You are permitted to feel that too. Breaking doesn’t always have to be harsh; sometimes it’s a gentle surrender, a silent agreement between what was and what needs to be. Observe how the leaf glides, not hurrying, not battling the air. It turns, it sways, it trusts in something invisible. This isn’t the end; it’s a transition. Even in falling, there is a sense of direction. Even in loss, there is a form of becoming. The ground isn’t a failure; it’s a destination. What appears to be an ending is often just a new way of holding on. You are still present. Even if you feel unanchored, even if you can’t recognize the shape of your days anymore. You are still present. There will be roots that are yet unseen, and growth that may not resemble growth. There will be mornings when simply breathing feels like a triumph. Let that be sufficient. Like the leaf, you aren’t meant to hold on forever. And like the tree, you aren’t losing everything. You are evolving. And somewhere, in the quiet shifts of things, in the hidden work beneath the surface, something is getting ready to start anew. There comes a time just before you release something when everything shakes. Not loudly, not enough for the world to take notice, but just enough for you. You sense it in your chest, like an unanswered question, like standing on the brink of something undefined. The leaf doesn’t fall due to failure or weakness; it falls because the season demands it. Yet, there is still resistance. The branch recalls the weight, the shade, the quiet companionship of what once held on. You are permitted to feel that too. Breaking doesn’t always have to be harsh; sometimes it’s a gentle surrender, a silent agreement between what was and what needs to be. Observe how the leaf glides, not hurrying, not battling the air. It turns, it sways, it trusts in something invisible. This isn’t the end; it’s a transition. Even in falling, there is a sense of direction. Even in loss, there is a form of becoming. The ground isn’t a failure; it’s a destination. What appears to be an ending is often just a new way of holding on. You are still present. Even if you feel unanchored, even if you can’t recognize the shape of your days anymore. You are still present. There will be roots that are yet unseen, and growth that may not resemble growth. There will be mornings when simply breathing feels like a triumph. Let that be sufficient. Like the leaf, you aren’t meant to hold on forever. And like the tree, you aren’t losing everything. You are evolving. And somewhere, in the quiet shifts of things, in the hidden work beneath the surface, something is getting ready to start anew.

This is really weird but does anyone else have this irrational fear… that you might fall in love and trust the person enough to become intimate and end up losing your virginity but regret it, and as a consequence like a religious punishment God will give you an unwanted pregnancy but you’ll grow to accept the situation and grow attached just to have some incident where one thing leads to another and you end up miscarrying your child so now you’re grappling with this heartbreak of losing trust in a meaningful relationship, religious guilt over premarital sex, and grieving your unborn child and it’s something like that… worse case scenario… that drives you away from pursuing a romantic relationship because you jump to worse case scenario. Or even if the pregnancy was successful, then there’s this anxiety over being a good mother and partner and taking care of the household while trying to balance your own needs and your career and how you can’t do it all. Is this weird? Like strange spirals over settling down and having a partner and children? Because it’s a pretty frequent thought and unwanted because then I feel deeply saddened over it like what losing a child is life and how I would cope and how that would impact my relationship with any future partners. I am literally a single virgin - never been in a relationship of any sorts and extremely sheltered. This isn’t even relevant to me but it’s also why I’m like, a relationship is not for me even if I want it because I don’t trust myself. Also the factor of struggling with religion and navigating my career where I feel as though I can’t do it all. How to be a working mother and wife? It’s irrational but it’s something I do think on more often than I’d like.

Its been a while. Anyone else just feel terrified of change even though you know you need to do it to feel better?? I have been avoiding doing things to help myself for myself for years. Im in therapy and ive come to realize that maybe joining support groups, surrounding myself with lgbt people (i have SO OCD), working on weight gaining (diagnosed w ARFID) is gonna help me. But im scared. I cant stop avoiding but idk what else to do. Im also scared that my inner world (ocd, anxiety, overthinking) and outer world (being open about it to others irl) intertwine and it freaks me out.

It’s killing me right now and I don’t know how to ignore it. I have horribly OCD surrounding my father and it’s draining me. If someone I find attractive has even the slightest same feature as my dad my OCD will tell me the celebrity looks like my dad therefore I’m attracted to him. I’ve struggled with this in the past and it’s never gone away i would js stop having in interest in that specific media. For example, even if I guy I found attractive had a black tee shirt on or a beard my brain would make a comparison to my father. Once I have that thought it’s like I can’t reverse it and will constantly compare the two. Has anyone else struggled with this? If so, what did u do? I don’t know how to ignore it, I can’t tell if they actually do look alike if it’s just OCD. Cause I don’t really see the comparison but it’s more like the feeling now like my brain has attached my father to this character and I can’t let it go..

Does anyone else feel like they have to think about bad scenarios happening so that if they do happen you won’t feel as blindsided / unprepared? For example, I feel like I have fully thought through the deaths of my grandparents and my parents do that when it does happen I feel “prepared”. Even though nothing can prepare you… idk. Like I’ve even cried before thinking about these scenarios as if they actually died! Is this an ocd thing? Does it fall under an ocd category?

Feel really heavy all the time abt my family. My parents got divorced and it’s really hard bc my mom has been mentally abusive and narcissistic like forever but she doesn’t even know she is but has affected me and my dad a lot and so everyone’s just kind of shut off. But I’m still on terms with her but always feel uncomfortable and don’t fully trust her but feel bad for it cuz I love her and then I feel fake when it’s a good day and having fun with her every once in awhile then I’ll get bad anxiety and then I never want to be with her and am reminded like oh this is why so I try to have boundaries. But I know where my dad is coming from and I know exactly why he didn’t want to do it anymore cuz he struggled but made up a lie and it was really bad for awhile but she doesn’t know the real reason cuz she never listens or seeks to understand. And I feel like a terrible person knowing that and guilty but I can’t tell her cuz it’s already done and would make things worse. Am I awful and I liar and dishonest. Makes me sick but she has no idea her narcissistic actions and a lot of people love her but she is really really hard to deal with and I get where she’s coming from too but have lots of trauma that’s affected me my whole life that I didn’t even realizes for awhile. But then still being friends with her I feel like fake but I don’t want to be rambling but it’s hard to explain. Has anyone else had an experience like this? I try to distance myself but I don’t want to betray her but I feel more protected on my dads side I don’t want to pick sides and I don’t think what he did was right either but he wanted to be free from the abuse but it’s hard to explain like should I repent of this I feel in the middle sometimes and don’t know what to do. And she talks bad about my dad to others and he has kept quiet and wants him to pay for leaving and we were always on edge around her and her negativity was such a drag. I don’t know how to deal with narcissist trauma or how I should go about especially with ocd and religious anxiety. Like I feel like I’m hiding stuff from her and not telling her the full story but I don’t feel safe or comfortable being open with her like I do my dad and I don’t want to fall into gossip. But I bond with my dad over similarities and specific situations. Is it a sin to be reserved and if she asks me questions disregard them kind of

I had a dream in which I felt something like a "crush" for a trigger and I'm devastated. Feel free to judge me. It was the same trigger from 2018 that used to haunt me an year ago as an intruaive image and Real Event OCD. In this dream I didn't want her, sometimes I felt an intrusive "attractive" gaze, then sometimes she became pretty, then sometimes she was younger or a bit like an older teenager. When I was in a campfire talking with a person she appeared with "legs" which disturbed me and tried to look elsewhere. I was consciounsly and morally against it, but what couldn't be denied in the dream is that she was very "beautiful" or something like that. Then the dream became less personal and conscious and the dream straight up said I was planning to marry her. [Then out of nowhere when a woman grabbed me and kissed me I felt a lot of reassurance.] Also at the end it looked like my feelings for this trigger were undeniable, "as she was very pretty", it's like I was accepting it, also she looked older, and I felt like I was terrifingly more accepting of attractiveness. There was this other guy younger than me by 3-4 years and I investigated, and the dream was implying that she was older than the guy, calculating the year she started playing a game. At some point I remember in the dream, after the trigger said something abt wanting to be in a relationship with me, saying convincingly and willingly that "Maybe in the future", it really looks like grooming in the dream, i remember feeling that I was willing to date her in the future because the current me in the dream found her attractive or, worst, was attracted. I don't know if what I felt in the dream was simply attractiveness mixed with OCD obsessive perception or a straight up crush or attraction that was in denial, or both. But the latter was definitely what it felt like, I was consciounsly against it until the dream lead at the end for absurd to acceptance, but at the same time it's like I was feeling undeniable feelings of a crush. Why can't I have normal dreams. I can't even rest. My day is ruined, I'm afraid I can't recover from this because all these feelings may have been not real, but they weren't false, they were true. I experienced attraction, i think, and I don't deserve to live. I think I'm a sick monster that is attracted to triggers. Because this what felt like it happened in the dreams. And my dreams are not a continuous scenery in which I do not have agency, in my dreams, like this one, I think and feel in first person, I'm 100% conscious (while not knowing im inside a dream). So there is no excuse of it being just a weird dream. My thoughts were egodystonic to it, but the feelings felt like they were egosyntonic and I was in denial, because I straight up felt prettiness or something like a crush emanating from the aura of the trigger. Maybe because it was my fear? But then why did it become like a sort of "attraction" in the end? Was that part something less conscious and more dream-driven? I'm just hoping, grasping at straws.

Hi all! :(˘•̥⧿•̥˘ ): I wanted to ask a question about backdoor spikes, since I don't believe I've ever experienced one knowingly so I'm not entirely sure how to go about handling things. I recently went through a life change (Saturday was very traumatic for me, for context), so I wasn't devoting as much time to my intrusive thoughts as I normally would wind up doing (I still had them, but I had a lot going on and just moved along). Today on Instagram I got a reel that would've caused a normal OCD loop of trigger → intrusive thought → anxiety → compulsion. Instead of having an immediate spike of anxiety like normal, I just kind of felt nothing and kept scrolling. I got anxious about the lack of an emotional response to the trigger, which then caused bodily anxiety responses that I latched onto. I started ruminating on it and I think I was trying to purposely trigger myself to respond how I normally would, which I know is a compulsion. Would this be a backdoor spike, since I initially handled it like the we aim to (with the intrusive thoughts just existing, not really responding, and moving on) and I'm fixating on my non-response? How are you supposed to handle backdoor spikes...? It's hard to not get anxious when you get so used to responding with distress and anxiety, even when I know the goal is to respond less. 😞

I’m a 20 year old trans man and I haven’t medically transitioned. I have socially transitioned but get misgendered FREQUENTLY because I have long hair. I very specific transition goals and unfortunately they’re mostly unrealistic. I recently saw a video of a cis-man who looks *exactly* how I wish I did. Every single part of the video, his body type, how he was dressed, his hair, the music playing, what he was doing, all of it was what I yearn for. It has absolutely taken over my mind since. I am ruminating on it terribly and can’t even look at my own body in the mirror anymore. How do I an exposure for this!! I cannot stand it. I want to help this IMMEDIATELY! Should I go back and look at more photos and videos of him? Look at other cis men I’m jealous of? I don’t want make the OCD any stronger so I want to cautious but I’m willing to do any kind of exposure to help weaken my OCD around this. Any advice helps. Thank you. :,)

For some time, I found my sense of confidence and security in knowledge. Fundamentally, is it not used to understand the world and function in it? In a way, does it not give people a sense of self, the ideas and concepts learned and adopted? Fortunately for me, through spiritual teachings, I learned that everything in its many forms is not me; sense of self for me is the being that lies behind everything else in which I can focus or meditate on. However, still lies this need and desire to hold knowledge or beliefs about what I think truth is in what is and what has been experienced. I started experiencing anxiety in my late teens - although, I did have social anxiety earlier than that. I would start having panic attacks having to read out loud in class and I pretty much avoided every presentation I was required to do in college. My initial attempt to work on my anxiety was to find solutions to potential triggers I would anticipate or imagine, journalize it, and use it like a Bible. It wasn't long before I saw how unrealistic that was so I later started reading self-help books on anxiety. After my second breakdown and second hospitalization, I was in complete despair and felt neglected with insufficient mental health treatment. I began to take things into my own hands so to speak - self-regulate at a level none before. That meant in large part continuing to read and gain knowledge to strengthen myself to combat anxiety. Coupled with my pursuit for health and psychological knowledge, was my desire to create value in myself, value that I specifically can offer a woman were I to get into another romantic relationship that I so desperately wanted - value that I feel I failed to offer my first and only real relationship. If I can gain certain knowledge that would emotionally, mentally, and physically take care of someone, I can gain the confidence of being in a relationship again. Being someone with substance. After all, I didn't find value in my appearance and personality enough, nor my work, or money as that comes and goes, but I did find it in relationships - even somewhat non-romantic relationships after all, even as someone with social anxiety. What somewhat appealed to me, was building work relationships despite the norm of them seeming only superficial and also developing relationships with family - extending to cousins, and others in that circle. A lot of my reading was what I once heard called “me-search”. In other words, what I read pertained to what I struggled with or felt I needed to know for whatever reason, not necessarily what I was interested in. So, I read self-help books on anxiety and others psychological in nature. At 30, because of a negative experience with antipsychotic medications, I read nutritional books in an attempt to treat my anxiety naturally without medication. This was a time when I was still resistant towards medication. Now, I understand that I need the medication and its benefits. I look at them as vitamins in a way. Perhaps it was inevitable that the books were going to be of interest to me because they were psychological in nature where you get to learn about yourself and others. What was intriguing was a book on body language but most of all an introductory psychology textbook really interested me. I got to learn topics related to human development, emotions and motivation, language, learning and cognition. I got to learn topics related to memory, sensation and perception, states of consciousness and personality, etc. Now I am not going to pretend that I have a wealth of information in psychology - the human mind and behavior; I don't. I didn't take up psychology or sociology in college, although I wish I did. But I did learn a good amount of information, adopted it, and I embraced it. I consider and reference it in my interactions with people to instinctively try to understand them, offer something, and ground myself when doing so. It sort of became a framework or mold for me to understand the world and function in it. In fact, how could anyone who reads psychology or any social science information for that matter not have it reshape their mindset? Even literature for that matter as I did take a couple of comparative literature courses in college that had an impact on me. Is psychology, whether consciously or subconsciously, not used and a part of everyday life with people? I do have to now throw back in health and nutrition, especially for the purpose of this whole discussion. As I begin to discuss my struggles and down-fall related to this information, I need to re-emphasize that I am not a wiz on these topics, especially nutrition because I didn't read a whole lot about it. Still a good amount though. I merely wanted to educate myself to help with my anxiety and because of said value I wanted to add to myself. I haven't had a real consistent full-time job since around September 2024 and as time has passed I have been struggling since. I left the job primarily because of my anxiety around STIs and fear of having to do presentations; as I mentioned earlier, presentations or public speaking of that nature is a trigger for panic attacks for me. Perhaps, with a lot of time to think or be in my head, I began doubting my knowledge; knowledge that was important to me - as mentioned, nutrition, psychology (mind and behavior), and I am going to add the immune system - one other piece of information learned in a crash course for purposes of dealing with my anxiety around STIs that will be mentioned another time. At some point, the sources of where I got my information became important to me; they needed to be reliable sources. During my break from work, it occurred to me that the crash course to the immune system may have not been a reliable source, and moreover, I couldn't remember the book sources to where I got my information on nutrition. Later in my break from work, my mind attached itself to the psychology textbook - yes, even the damn psychology textbook! I started thinking about the possibility of misinterpreting the information because it possibly referenced bio-chemical aspects of psychology. I know there was one chapter on bio-psychology or something like that, which I read and understood at the time. However, I started thinking about or questioning what I really know about chemistry or mainly biology? Despite, biology of the brain or nervous and endocrine system primarily being referenced in passing necessary to illustrate and teach psychology, and even genetics, did I really understand that part? There is uncertainty in where, and how much was mentioned, and how much was common knowledge. Again, at the time, I had no problem going through the material but I started to doubt my understanding and made me think that I possibly misinterpreted the material as a whole because of the uncertainty with biology and maybe chemistry. This has become deeply conflicting and disturbing! Months gone by and I am still considerably disturbed, unable to function (for other reasons as well to be discussed at another time). What do I do with all of this information? The immune system information I could kind of ignore knowing that I have an immune system that attacks microbes or pathogens - to be discussed at another time when I go over my STI phobia, mostly my fear of passing STI infections to someone else. How do I disregard the information I have on nutrition and more important to me, psychology? The information has significant relevance to how I think, feel and behave. The information is referenced - retrieved from memory or thought about through association, when I interact with others and make internal and external decisions. This information was learned, adopted, and used for some time. I can no longer reference this information with confidence, and without conviction. When I instinctively reference this information, I become reluctant and conflicted, not trusting or feeling content with what I am thinking or communicating. What now are my beliefs if they are not these? What do I do with the building blocks of information that was built on this framework? How do I unmold my way of thinking and rewire my brain? Or, how do I deal with the uncertainty of the information I have? My anxiety with this has gotten to the point where I am doubting everything I know or think I know. Needless to say, I don't say I have knowledge, I say I have beliefs.

Hello, I am 19 years old. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD (pure O to be exact) but I’m pretty sure I have it. When I was younger I would constantly cry with guilt and shame for having thoughts about my religion. I’d think to myself “Is God gay” or “Maybe I hate God” I’d ALWAYS have to confess these thoughts to my family members. I also had more weird quirks like having to repeat a line from a cartoon I was watching. Or I couldn’t stop obsessing over my eyes getting stuck for making a silly expression! I also remember being TERRIFIED of catching Brain-eating amoeba or getting a tumor! But now, I developed POCD with a dash of false memory. You see, about 2/3 years ago, me and my Mom went to Walmart. She had to go use the bathroom and as I was waiting for her outside I thought to myself “what if I harm a child while she was in the bathroom?” That day I tried to look for something to “check” to make sure that I DIDN’T do that. Like, if there was someone in the aisle, I could look back and think “Oh! There was someone there. I couldn’t have done that” or if I called my brother, I can look back and think “I had him on the phone! How could I have possibly done that” But I don’t remember him picking up the phone. So I sent him a text instead. I was looking for anything in that moment for reassurance. I do remember coming back home and later on brushing off the thought. I can’t remember EXACTLY what I thought to brush off the thought. Maybe I thought “They have cameras, so if I did anything they’d come for me right?” I brushed this off! But now, the memory came back to me, and I made this WHOLE child up. I’m not sure if this sounds racist, but I have an image of me sniffing behind a black child! I made up an outfit and even gave him a name! The images in my head don’t make sense. But they still frighten and scare me! I’m frustrated that I can’t recall the exact memories that day. As I said it was 2/3 years ago.. But why did this hit me now, and not then? I can be talking to my mom or whoever, and I have this voice in my head “if only they knew the terrible thing you’ve done” and I feel SICK like I don’t deserve happiness! I even gave my Etsy shop a break because I felt like I didn’t deserve to be making money. Also, by the way, all my celebrity crushes are 40+ year old men! WHY THE FCK IS MY BRAIN MAKING THIS UP AND IM SO SCARED IF THIS IS REAL 😩 I CANT afford therapy, and I DON’T want to share with my family because they’re not very educated on this. I know giving reassurance is not recommended, but someone please save me and give me advice. I was happy and fine. This came out of nowhere. My family is also going through something traumatic right now, and I need to be at my best so I can be there for them!