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Anyone wanna talk about something not ocd related and just get ur mind off maybe.

I have been struggling with HOCD since this past July. I literally cannot stop thinking. It’s so frustrating because I know deep down that it’s OCD, but I always have my brain saying “Well, what if it’s not and the thoughts mean something? If it wasn’t true you wouldn’t think about it so much...” I have always been an introspective person, so I am realizing that this is not new... it’s just all consuming now. In high school, I would have sexual intrusive thoughts about my girlfriends and was curious about sexuality, so I internally labeled myself as bi and moved on. I didn’t recognize it as OCD, though I was diagnosed with emetophobia bc my anxiety about puking was so intense... but that’s another story lmao. I’m now realizing, however, that it likely wasn’t the case. I have only ever dated or had sexual/romantic thoughts about men. Of course, my anxiety tells me it’s bc I’m in denial and heteronormative society has “ruined my brain”. I remember having my dating app set to men & women for approx 1 hour until I realized I didn’t see myself attracted to any women in that way. I “came out” impulsively as bi to a handful of friends a few years back, but I feel that I was wrong. I took it back but I’m still constantly thinking about it. I feel like I’m a liar and a fraud. I’m so scared I’m actually bi or gay and I’m living a lie or something. Worst of all, I feel guilty because of my relationship with my boyfriend. I love him so dearly, but I am constantly questioning if I actually love him or if I’m faking it because I’m gay and love women and I’m just tricking myself. I am so scared and frustrated and on the brink of tears all the time. It’s better now than it was back in July... at least I can eat and sleep now. But holy hell. I want to go back to not feeling like I’m on the brink of spiraling 24/7. I don’t get so anxious anymore, but I still get caught in a thought spiral whenever I see a gay woman or an attractive woman... so whenever I go on social media, consume media, or go in public lmao. A few of my friends identify as bi or gay as well and I am always so anxious around them which makes me feel homophobic. I feel like I’m going crazy. I just want to get better.

Hello, I am Nathan Longmuir from MA USA and I'm 16 years old. This is my first time trying this so if I can't find a way to reply to people or thank people I am not being rude to anyone. If I ramble or repeat something I apologize. This will be long BUT PLEASE stay with me! I need help and advice. I don't know how to start, so I chose to make an account because I have been suffering from terrible HOCD with what you would call groinal response and hyper awareness of my groin area. After looking into my life far it seems I've always had OCD and OCD behaviors. Like constantly asking my mom if a toy is broken a hundred times and constantly scanning every inch of it constantly. It seemed like my OCD was always in the background when I was very young but stopped around fourth grade. Fourth grade was also the only time it was even close to as bad as it is now. I accidently said “I swear to god” in my head once when lying so I was convinced I was going to go to hell, I constantly asked my mom if I would throughout the day and I was constantly crying. I started praying at least once every 10 minutes and my life was like, well hell. Then it magically stopped. I've tried to analyze that time period asking myself, “How did I beat this last time?” and I can't find anything. Anyway after that I had almost no OCD behavior or excessive intrusive thoughts until now, in 10th grade 6 years later. It seems a lot of things led up to this, like being in my house 24/7 with a bad stressful school schedule due to covid, and no change of scenery whatsoever. I live in the remote woods too. I had a few little OCD obsessions that lasted around a week each before this one, one obsession was created by me saying a German WW2 plane looked cool. So my brain called me a N@ZI for awhile. Another was I was scared I'd hurt my family. It was started because someone my age killed their family, so the OCD said things like “I want to kill my family” and “I'm a murderer”. I had what seems to be POCD for a week before the HOCD, that obsession was created because someone said online my name sounds like a great name for a Pedo. I constantly said I'd never do something like that to a child and I would rather die. Then it was replaced by the HOCD. Thanks for reading this far. I've been having these HOCD thoughts and obsessions for somewhere between 70-85 days and it's the worst thing I have ever experienced. It constantly calls me gay and says things I dont agree with whatsoever. I have always liked women only, I remember liking girls since first grade! The thing I want the most in this world is a beautiful wife who loves and cares about me and to be a father. I had a beautiful girlfriend last year who I deeply cared about and we dated for about 6 months, then something very sad happened. When I was with her I was very happy and confident and in love and I miss her very much. I AM LOSING MY MIND. I have held a knife to my jugular twice with full intent to push it in, the only reason why I didn't was I didn't want to devastate my family. I want it to stop no matter the cost. I almost decided to get high off medicine, but I knew that it would put me down another dark path. I almost decided to overdose on medicine as well, since it would be a much more clean death and more peaceful. I have gone from an A and high B student to one B, four C’s, a D, and a F this term. My room looks disgusting and messy. I now have ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE ANXIETY about anything related to the HOCD. I now have HORRIBLE DEPRESSION. I apologise if it sounds nasty, but I can't masturbate anymore because the HOCD thoughts get worse while doing it. I still get aroused by women but slower than before. The worst thing about the HOCD is the groinal response and hyperawareness, I accidently started it when a HOCD thought popped up and I said something along the lines of, “What you say isn't true, I'm not aroused by this and never will. I'm not hard either” so I started to say that whenever they came up. So by doing that I screwed myself over because by me focusing my attention on my penis area I started to feel a uncomfortable feeling and a little movement whenever a HOCD thought shows up or if anything reminds me of it so the HOCD basically says,”WHAT I SAID WAS TRUE”. I never get erections or anything like that, I just wanted to clear that up. SInce it started I avoid members of the same sex a bit, but I realize it makes the OCD worse so I have almost stopped that. I hardly watch TV or play video games because it gives me anxiety now. I've been trying to stop avoiding “triggers” because it reinforces the OCD and I have seen a bit of improvement but I'm far from better. You are probably asking yourself, “If it's this bad, why hasn't he gotten help? Medication? Seen a therapist? Hes considering suicide for gods sake!” Well since I've been 4 Ive always wanted to join the United States Marines, a military branch so I can defend my country and its people. They don't let you join with a history of anxiety especially OCD. If I go to a therapist, talk to a doctor, or get medication it goes on my record and I'm instantly disqualified for military service…. Forever. That's why I have not seeked help, or even told my parents about it. I am suffering in silence to protect my dream. I've always looked up to our armed forces and I have an autographed picture of Audie Murphy, the most decorated american soldier from WW2 in my room. I took it down because I don't want the OCD to contaminate my thinking of him. I am in tears as I had to type that. So the only help I can ask for is on here, I need advice on how to ignore the OCD and the groinal response. Please. I'd like words of encouragement as well. I want to be myself again. Please help me all of you.

Right does anyone else get this ?. Basically my mind is saying i want to be with a man. I keep breaking down saying this cant be true 😞

SOOCD but now I only fear that I’m not sexually attracted to men? I analyze every interaction I’ve had with my SO and have really begun to doubt that I actually love him/am sexually attracted to him. This is based on my reaction to erotic photos, him naked, etc. This seems to be more upsetting to me than the prior obsessions

hi i just started using this app, i am 13 with hocd/so-ocd (undiagnosed due to financial problems) and i really want to get better and recover, i hope i achieve my goals before my birthday ! ^__^

I would love to start with this app but $123 is so expensive especially because I don’t think my insurance covers it :( I’m so sad I need the help. I want to get back to who I was, I want a better relationship with my honey, and I just feel like it will never get better if I don’t get the help that I need :(

Can someone with hocd tell how it is for them? When i first got it it was so bad, my anxiety was so bad i couldnt sleep, i was 100% sure i was straight but couldnt stop fearing i was gay. It went away completely for about 2 weeks and it came back and now its been 3 months and its still here :( i dont think its going away, its so much different, its causing me attraction and other stuff i didnt have before, which is making me feel like i am gay. I hate it. It feels like im lying to myself now when i say i want to be straight. UGH

When my intrusive thoughts gets too much, and I have to do response prevention. I listen to 'no easy way out'- Rocky soundtrack. 💪

I really need support right now. I’m having a bad moment :( I’m having one of those moments where I just can’t see the bright side of ocd and accept it. I’m just so mad at how I have to live with this and how sometimes it affects everything.

I want to build my sims a new house but now I have intense ocd thoughts and it is problem to just open the game so I think I'll let it be for a while😂

Mental checking kicking my ass everyday ruining my time. Fuck this shit

Anyone with confessing as a compulsion here? My OCD got better, which means I don't feel like my life is worthless everyday. But I still don't have the security I used to have around my bf... I still don't believe that I can live with this feeling and the uncertainty that I may did something unforgivable. I feel so sad and angry when I go through Instagram or when I see those couples in the streets, like they seem so sure that they never did something really bad what could hurt their partner. I know you should not compare yourself but I just can't help it. I envy those people so much... Do y'all know that feeling?

So I was doing an exposure and I think I finally nailed down the exact obsession even though it takes on different forms. I was in a toxic relationship in the past so I fear that since I still struggle at times to make sure I don’t fall into any bad habits I formed that it will cause something bad. The biggest one is that I fear being attracted to or wanting to date other people. One of them is my toxic ex so I just fear that he will try to inch his way back into my life and I’ll lose control in some way. The fact that that is something that *could* happen theoretically is terrifying and creates a lot of confusing compulsions.

I’m having a breakdown please I don’t know what this is anymore and I’m terrified I can’t do this every one thinks it’s questioning but I know it’s not I just feel terrible and anxious and I can’t stop crying, I don’t want to do this anymore

It all just feels so real. I literally think I've overthought my way to another sexuality. Ugh

i feel like everyone hates me :(

How do u know if a thought is intrusive. I cant tell if a thought is intrusive anymore. It sort of feels like as if I brought the thought up myself, but it's also something I wouldnt want to think. Y'all know what I mean?

I cut my “best friend” off of 11 years this week. I have given her chance after chance to get better and she continued to treat me like shit. So I feel free from that, however my other best friend of 11 years stopped being friends with both me and the toxic friend just because I was still friends with her. I’m 20 and go to a community college and it’s been very hard for me to make friends even before the pandemic. I haven’t had any other friends outside them since hs and my hs friends honestly weren’t great to me either (we distanced, all of us) and of course I’ve looked at myself and considered myself to be the problem and blamed myself but even my therapist doesn’t think that’s true... but anyways. I’m here. Lonely af. Officially no friends. And the sad thing is I don’t know when I will have any. It could be months or years from now and I’m so focused on school... I have no idea if I will ever be happy with someone (like a vest or close friend) or even be in a relationship. Anyways this is what I’m going through and I’m feeling very alone

I’m finally having a moment of clarity and it feels so good. I can’t believe that I feel love. I forgot about my OCD and when I saw my fiancé I truly felt so in love again ❤️ by not over analyzing my thoughts I was able to live in the moment and feel how strong our connection really is. I have been struggling so much with this and it’s so nice to get this break. I want you guys to know that by doing ERP and learning to love ourselves we can all heal from this torturous hell.