Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Is it possible to develop tolerance to stimulant medications in just 3 days in anyone else’s experience? Today was my 3rd day of Vyvanse and I feel like I’ve “crashed” for lack of a better word. I’m not sure what to make of this. I felt great on Day 1 of Vyvanse.

some thoughts today: the reason my hocd started was because of an intrusive thought during masturbation about this girl i thought i liked at the time and i freaked out and then from there had the thought “what if i’m lesbian” and that’s how it started. but now i’m worried i actually did like her because i thought i did before i began to obsess over my sexuality but i kind of just pushed that thought away and forgot about it. but my question i’m asking myself is why did i attach myself so strongly to her? this has happened before and now i realize that it might be part of my bpd. in fact i know it is. people with bpd we attach ourselves to anyone we think won’t abandon us or otherwise people who have gone through the same thing (trauma). i’m convinced i did like her but why was i so relieved after i stopped obsessing over her? like i’m just not sure. i’m worried i’m just in denial about why this all started. i am also aware that when i attach myself to one person sometimes i just THINK i like the person but in reality i just need protection and support from emotional pain. maybe actual attraction and obsession aren’t directly related to each other with someone with borderline personality disorder.

Does anyone else empathise and sympathise with villains a lot? Idk I guess part of me sees this as a good thing because if I can feel bad for someone so evil, I guess I must be empathetic and open minded. It’s just really hard when it happens in real life situations. Like I’ll feel bad for terrible terrible people and sometimes see things from their point of view and it makes me feel evil and guilty.

I am having such a hard time, I cry uncontrollably and I’m scared to see my bf. He works at this place I’m going today w my cousin to get some stuff from there and I’m upset at him (which he doesn’t know) because I’m upset he said “I’ve watched attractive people” which he meant on porn and it contradicts other things he has said like “I don’t watch just one girl that’s weird” “no Jaz attractive doesn’t mean I’m turned on, I’m only turned on by you” but than he said watched “watched” “attractive” “people” meaning girls meaning he’s watching the girl and idk if that means he is thinking of the girl being attractive or looking for a video based on that.. but that contradicts what he says and I’m not okay with that even though he doesn’t do that anymore. It really doesn’t help when someone says it’s normal for guys to do that and etc cuz not every guy is the same and it upsets me he would think that while watching porn because I didn’t I would watch something that attracts me but I don’t even think about the person or anything like oh they are this or that.. I don’t do that because that’s personal and he said it’s not personal and I just don’t know what he means but also what he said seems explanatory enough and I can’t ask for reassurance because he’s gonna be honest like ya they are attractive or whatever which upsets me.. it’s different than if someone isn’t naked and they are attractive but then on porn? Idk that’s messed up to me. I don’t think that stuff while watching and he said he doesn’t consider girls “hot” but then what does attractive mean while he’s watching ? What attracts him? Doesn’t he mean he watches if they are attractive meaning their body? Cuz he said he isn’t going to watch someone who is ugly but that literally means watching the girl or the person and he told me no that doesn’t mean that.. at least I don’t think so. Everyone doesn’t understand me and they think it’s not a big deal but I want to ask him because in general I’m not okay with that and it’s okay to tell him how I feel about certain things even tho he doesn’t do it anymore. I get it don’t ask for reassurance and I wanna recover I do, but if he said something that obviously isn’t reassuring it upsets me like I feel like other ppl’s partners will reassure them when there partners ask them (even if they have ocd) and they get reassured but with this there is no reassuring thing to say to that I feel... so I’m stuck and upset and I don’t wanna keep crying and I don’t wanna feel anxious around him and not be able to function so I can go to the store and have fun w my cousin and get stuff we wanna get. I have already tried to meditate and I did for 15 min and the whole time I was crying .. the thoughts are stickier but I’m not doing compulsions maybe ruminating but I’m not reassuring myself because I don’t think it’s possible to do that when it’s something someone said and it seems legit, like they really mean it.. idk. What type of rocd subtype is this? Real event rocd ? Idk ugh. There is nothing online about obsessing over what someone said and how it upsets you and etc.

anyone else get this around the age of 14/15. i feel like i’m the only one 😔

The sides of depression no one talks about: not showering, not brushing your teeth, not eating at all or when you do eat it’s super unhealthy, not washing your hair, less or no contact with friends and loved ones, laying in bed all day only to get up and use the bathroom, detaching from society and anything outdoors. Does anyone want to talk about these or even add to these sides of depression? I’m here for you and don’t feel ashamed.

I've been keeping my HOCD soooo well in check to the point where I could say I don't have it pretty much. But now I'm getting the anxiety again along with major anxiety from TODC (transgender OCD) it's so stupid I had it fixed and now after almost a month it's coming back along with another theme. I can't. Any tips? Or something that could help stop these themes from coming back?

I just don't know what's going on anymore. Or what to do in the present. I always think about the past because I was happier than I am now. I was always excited to wake up every single day to do what I love doing and never got tired of it. I loved the quality time I spent with my family and friends. I loved school. I loved going outside. Everything that I had in my life at the time was great. I always find my mind thinking of the past to either want to go back to it or wish I either did or didn't do things I did or encountered things I did at the time whether I wanted to or not. I was someone growing up with no worries at all. Everything's different now. I don't know what's going on as much. I don't have an much friends as I did before. I don't spend much time with my family compared to how I did before. High school wasn't fun for me. College is even worse. I'm stuck at home not able to do much. For most of my days, I want to try and visit all the things that make me happy as much as I can. Nothing ever feels long term even it comes to my happiness. I do laugh, smile, and have fun with the people I care about, but it never gives me a lasting feeling. All my mind does is wander all over the place. No matter how hard I seem to try with what I think about, it never fails to think of the bad things that have happened in my life, even while in the mixture of the good things. It completely censors the good things I've had in my life and only glorifies the bad. Every single day I wake up, I think nothing but bad thoughts, bad visions, mistakes that I've made, traumatic events I've encountered and blaming myself for those events on end, and always wanting to go back. Anytime I try my best to fight against the bad thoughts, bad feelings, bad visions, they only work for so long. Video games is one thing that I enjoy very much, and while playing all day today, I slowly kept getting more sad and sad. Until just minutes ago, I just broke out in tears. This has happened several times whenever I think deeply into my childhood. It just makes me very emotional and torn up. Why is this happening to me? Why do I keep thinking I'm going to go to jail? Why do I keep having intrusive thoughts? Why do I keep worrying about things even if things seem completely fine? Why does my mind find any bad thing it can and magnify the event too make it seem more important than it really is? Why can't I think of anything positive? I have plenty of positive things to think about that I could visit, but my mind never does it. Why do I always assume the worst in everything? Why do I always dwell on what I don't have? Why do I keep thinking everyone I care about and love will one day hate me and never forgive me or take me back? Why do I feel like my life is in danger? All of these questions I managed to think of, but none of them I can answer. What's going on? Why is this happening? What caused this? What did I do to deserve this? Whatever it was, I'm terribly sorry. I don't intend to hurt people, or bother anyone. I don't ever want to make it seem like anyone is deserving of pain. I just want to be happy again. I don't know who to talk to further about this. I don't know who can help me. Some days I'm happy, some days I'm not. I just want to stay on a consistent trail, and throw all my worries away. I just want my life back, really. Do I not deserve that?

It feels like there’s so much evidence for me being a lesbian. Like.. actual evidence. I once watched an anime (Hibike Euphonium) that ended up having like implied lesbian attraction between the main character and a side and I didn’t know that going in but when I found out I was really intrigued? I finished watching the show and did have some ‘feels’ over the relationship but it felt the same as like me shipping anything else and I didn’t really project myself onto them but the fact that I was interested enough in them to finish watching the show makes me feel like I’m a lesbian?? I’ve never really felt like same sex attraction applied to me, I couldn’t relate to the experience but why would I get ‘feels’ if I didn’t want that for myself?

intrusive thoughts are making it really hard to sleep i can’t remember the last time i went to bed before 4am

I am feeling quite sad tonight. I feel like a loser. I don't have a job, anything i have ever tried failed, I'm talented enough, or pretty, I have never had a boyfriend and I am 19, I only have 1 friend, and I have no idea what to do after college. It just seems like I don't have anything to look forward to.

Trigger warning!!! I’m suffering from false memory OCD and I started to feel better, let the thoughts come and go, started to think more rational. Then I remembered a post about false memory on another platform by a woman. The issue was “why does guilt feel so real in terms of false memory?” And someone said: “I have not found feelings to be false, They are the feed back for your conscious and subconscious level. I see this as a way to discount something that someone thinks is not wanted to be seen. If a person feels a certain way it needs to be honored. Someone else may think it is false, if that person does not want to address the issues behind the feelings from their fear of having to look at themselves honestly. I would call it a form of gas lighting. If you feel it is real. Find the root cause in hypnotherapy or regression counseling to heal the source and move on into being present in your life.” Now I’m start to obsess again about my thoughts, only because I remembered this post! What do you guys think? 😓

Feeling really triggered right now. I was looking on a dating app and saw a guy from school who I liked before. This anxiety has been there since I met him, but even now I question if I really liked him or not. In a way yes, but in a way it's like he's not attractive enough and I over idealized him. Now it feels like I really don't like him. It makes me feel like my HOCD is really true especially after all this time later. I feel like I have more clarity I just never liked him or maybe I did but it's not enough and I'm gay.

I don't feel like a f*cking woman what is wrong with me..

TW!!! Pocd and zocd Someone just sent me a message on reddit (I have an account there where I have a few ocd friends) and they told me to give in and found it hot and I should look at p*rn (I never saw p*rn of anything nor I ever will) of these topics and part of me felt "relaxed" that someone would accept me if I was a "p" or a "z" and I felt a small urge to do it. But a second after, I felt intense guilt and I started panicking!.... Am I a "p" and a "z"? Why didn't I felt immediately disgusted by this message and even felt tempted to just "give in"? I sent a reply immediately and said "never send me a message again" and I blocked this person. OCD is already hard enough to deal with! Now I have these trolls annoying me...

sorry tmi Hocd has basically made me continue to masterbate so that I can prove I still like girls and I know it’s a compulsion and it doesn’t even feel good or right or normal anymore but I can’t stop it because I’m scared if I stop I’ll find out the truth about myself

does anyone else feel like they don’t deserve love? i’m talking to this girl i like, but my mind keeps saying i need to pay for my real event ocd. that i need to tell her what i did, so she can decide if i’m worthy or not to love. i don’t think i am. i think my punishment should be to stay lonely for life,,,, and yet i want a relationship. god, i feel so stuck.

im confused. confused over everything. confused over who i am, what i want, what i need. im either numb or inexplicably anxious. there is no other emotion on the dictionary for me. i know i might end up deleting this later out of confusion over whether this is my truth or im just deceiving everyone. id say that i hate this disorder but what's the point. ocd doesn't chicken out or pity you when you cuss at it. do i even have ocd i haven't even got a diagnosis yet maybe im just a monster in disguise or have dramatic bitch disorder (a condition made up by me to invalidate my struggles since that's the only thing im good at). oh well

TW: contreversial opinion exposure about P*dophilia I had to do inventory for my job today which was from 3 AM to 11 so Im a little sleep deprived and OCD has a bit of a strong hold. I calmed down about POCD at work for a bit by coming to the understanding rhat even if I was a p*dophile, i wouldnt want to hurt anyone and there's treatment out there to help make sure I can live a normal life. This is a similar approach I took from my fear of having schizophrenia. But after a while I became scared again that I'd even say such a thing and that Im a sympathizer and how people would hate me for saying something like that. A tik tok came up about abusing child molesters in prison and I felt scared as if theh were threatening me. I watched the tik tok over and over until my anxiety subsided. I told my mom and she kinda agreed with my mentality but it was a bit of a reassurance. I'm scared to tell my BF but I think I'll tell him when im a bit more alert and I'll also tell him, unless its a really persistent need, not to respond so I can live in the uncertainty of not knowing how he feels. So here's my opnion so I as an exposure to peoples perception about me. I don't want to be a pedophile and Im starting to learn im not one right now. But, as OCD is making me focus on, If i were to become one in the FUTURE, at least I can get help to make sure im not a danger to society. I would prefer they all came out to get help and prevent predatory behavior rather than hide and give in to their urges. Feel free to comment if you disagree or have different opinions, I need the ERP.

Question for the girls: Idk if this is me but i started to feel so much less pretty cus of hocd. Suddenly i got so insecure bout things i never was insecure about. I aways felt so pretty and idk i feel like hocd rlly damaged my confidence and energy. Idk what or how that happened but istg that i get less attention from men? Idk whats going on but i have no other explanation than that is has sum to do with hocd bc it started since my hocd started developing. Like it brought down my energy and presence because im always anxious and sad and overwhelmed/drained. Could that be it? Because i remeber me as always making eye conract with men and having that tension going on, getting compliments, men getting nervous around me and staring at me, all of that. And now that its gone i miss it a lot. It makes me feel worthless and not pretty. And the weird thing is my friends say they dont notice any physical changes and im jus so confused like whats going on. How did i went from feeling so confident, pretty and attractive to feeling so ignored by men and having to put in a lot of work (like makeup) to feel pretty. I don’t recognize this version of me. Can anyone relate? It sucks so much because i used to not be able to wait to have a bf so i can cuddle and look pretty for him and all that. But now i really push it away because im insecure. I just wish i was myself so i can be happy and confident and have a healthy relationship.