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I think I did something bad and I don't remember exactly what happened. I turned my family's life into hell with my problems. I don't want to live anymore but I can't leave them. I don't know what to do, I've never felt so bad.

hi i’ve been struggling with religion recently. when i was younger i went to a catholic school that was very poorly run and as a result i decided to not follow a religion when i left. within the past few months dealing with my ocd made me feel like there was no hope other than turning back to religion. i have been praying more frequently and i talk to God a lot abt my ocd. however i just bought a new cross necklace and have been wearing it for the past few days. however i got the intrusive thought this morning that if i wear a cross it means i am a hardcore conservative christian. and although there’s nothing wrong with that if you are, it is most definitely not who i am. so now i don’t know if i should still wear it. bc i also feel like if i take it off God will be mad at me and i’ll go to hell. i don’t go to church or read the bible or anything my religious journey to me is just the relationship between me and God and i am extremely private about it bc it’s extremely person to me. i just don’t know if following a religion is a good thing for me to do with ocd idk if lost

i used to do therapy through here, and i would leave comments on every post i read to try to help. i’ve had ocd my ENTIRE life (21 rn) and its always been magical thinking up until 14- earlier this year my existential ocd was at its worst. i would drive around to see if any emergency rooms would take me in because i couldn’t be left alone. i was constantly throwing up, never slept or ate, never did anything because i was so anxious all the time with just about every form of ocd. i never thought id get better. i was so worried my life would never feel the same and id never feel genuine happiness again. it consumed everything about me. i’ve been on Paroxetine for a few months, and i can say it’s definitely helped, along with exposure therapy at home. it took a while, and at the time it felt like forever because i just wanted to be okay. i’m okay today! i was okay yesterday! i’ve been so much better for the last couple months. it will feel like such a slow process but please trust it. i’ve met so many people on here that i could relate to and everyone in this community means so much to me. i’m so proud of all of you. idk if anyone will see this, but if you do, give it time. nothing is urgent. it may feel like it, but you have time to figure things out, and *not* figure things out. not all of your thoughts and fears need an explanation :) i truly didn’t think it could get better, but it did, and it will for all of you, too.

Just sharing this a bit as I got to terms with the end of my high school career. I feel like I've spent a big time after starting medication on rumination and just feeling overall terrible. I didn't recieve any treatment until it got unbearable for myself, my family, my friends, and my school work. I was constantly having breakdowns and trying to get someone around me to understand. I can recall instances of these breakdowns where I would just get called crazy and irrational, which does not help at all. I was always terrified of getting close to people. I start having bad intrusive thoughts but I know that I would never want to hurt anyone. I can't stop thinking if people would've just taken me seriously in the beginning I could've done so much better. I had many failing grades as a lot of days my mind gets so occupied by every little thing ever I can't even just focus on working. This made my post-grad plans complicated. I want to apologize to the pain I've caused to my family and anyone involved in my life. I'm scared if they touched me I'll contaminate them with something. I was also constantly in ans out of hospital from stress relatwd illnesses as well as "illnesses" my brain convinced me I had. I feel like an instrument of destruction. When I was really young I was fully convinced I was the anti-christ and the only way to change that is if I ended my life. I went off on a tangent, but overall I'm glad at last I could get some chemical relief. While it still effects me everyday, I try to push myself out of my boundaries while making sure I have people around me to reassure me even if the reassurance is "if you do get a heart attack we'll call an ambulance". The best advice that has worked for me as a hypochondriac ia when i feel like mind spiraling to crazy ends like illnesses and possible deaths, I think abt even if you were getting close to it, theres always a way to srop it through diagnoses and help from professionals. It calms me a little to know that even if my obsessions are "right"(they never are), There is always a solution to it. Hope as time goes on I can come to terms with the way my brain is wired, and function like the ones around me do. I had a therapist told me I was incredible for staying in school despite all that I've told her. I felt a relief at that moment since for the longest time I thought I wasn't doing Thanks for making it to the very end sorry for the incredible long vent!

I feel like my mind is a storm. So many thoughts. I can't focus lately, becoming very forgetful (I also read about how there is such a thing as early onset dementia or alzheimer's and that is worrying me) I also worry what if I have ADD or ADHD along with OCD. I have so many things to do for my university studies and I'm so stressed. My room is a mess and I have many health worries and intrusive thoughts. I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety/panic attack. I'm scared of losing my mind or that I will lose control. It is 4am and I can't sleep because I feel too on edge and I'm so scared.

The fear of delusions and schizophrenia are back and hit out of no where. Had a simple thought in my head of what is someone poisoned my drink that I got for lunch today. And boom full blown panic attack. Why the hell does this happen????? Like why do I genuinely think I’m a schizophrenic and am going to lose my mind and go full blown crazy. Why did I have a thought that someone would even poison my drink. I genuinely am so sick and tired of this!!!!!!!!! I’m not asking for reassurance but how can such a legit thought be just ocd.

Does anyone else fear they have BPD? Or that they’ll develop it? Or have to take online quizzes to reassure themselves they don’t but do relate to some of the symptoms? I feel like it’s driving me insane.

Me realizing that the correct answer for certainty is no answer because it does not exist in OCD/anxiety. Certainty is holding you down and holding you back. Let go and accept the uncertainty.

this is not relatable anymore. my life is over. my last dream broke me completely. i dont have any hope and it is irreversible

i’ve been panicky for the last few hours but have been trying to keep it from turning into a full blown panic attack. however i just can’t distract myself from it any longer and i’m just letting it happen. i’ve been having thoughts about feeling weird about being alive. like being a separate living being if that makes sense. i don’t know how to explain it but then i start to think about having to live with this anxiety for the rest of my life and then it gets out of control. i’ve never been suicidal and i wish i didn’t have these thoughts. but when i really think about living with what feels like weights on my chest and shoulders and i start to freak out. i’m trying to remind myself that this doesn’t have to be forever but it’s not working. how do you get through this?

I’m a Christian who loves the Bible. I can feel in my core that belief. What makes it hard is the way my OCD latches on to what others say about the Bible. My faith is hard because there are SO many different opinions that are all valid. It’s a matter of choice but my brain keeps asking me if I’m making the right choice. I can recognize faith being a matter of choice and not logic. But why can’t my brain accept that? It wants 100% proof and for everyone to agree with me:( causes me to have panic attacks and extreme anxiety because it just won’t stop

Today we had a win. I’ve been struggling with false memory OCD for about 2 months now. One of my compulsions involved compulsively praying. I have a really complicated relationship with religion and god. Like, REALLY complicated. And on top of that I always worry that I’m not praying right or I’m not being thankful enough or that I’m not deserving enough to be religious or that I’m a bad person, the list goes on. So today, I had the urge to compulsively pray. But rather than give in, I asked my husband if he would do something really out of our comfort zone. An “anti-prayer” if you will. Where we just pray WRONG. He was skeptical at first. And I was too. But we told god now mad at the world we were. How we were mad that the OCD was something we have to deal with. How our loved ones have been taken away. How we are worried about the state of our country. How we hate everything that’s going on in the world right now. And how it’s really hard to see the positives when we’re so mad at god. How we don’t understand why he’s putting us through all these trials. How it’s frustrating us to not know what the future holds. How my husband hates that I’m suffering with OCD. At the end of it, we told god that our anger MAY be misdirected, but that we figured it’s best to just be honest with how we’re feeling rather than sugar coating it and being thankful when we are just plain-ole MAD. After we finished, my husband said that he never really just SAT with his anger like that before. And how he’s always so worried about who he was and who he wants to be that he’s never really focused on who he IS in the present moment. And that taught me a lot about mindfulness. I may not have it all figured out. I may make mistakes. I may want to be better. But who I am right now is someone who is growing and learning to love herself. Take it easy on yourself, be honest with how you’re feeling. And remember that it’s okay to feel mad, upset, etc.

Hey everyone. So I have ocd, as well as everyone here of course, but! I’m having a bad issue. So I deal with fear of psychosis very badly and I got a lot of anxiety from having dpdr a few years ago that have lingered . Well Ive been dreaming very badly and having terrible nightmares and in my dreams I’m screaming to wake up. I don’t understand it. But its like in my dreams im so so scared of dpdr and psychosis and scary stuff happens in them. It’s causing a lot of distress , to the point I dread sleeping. Now in real life I’m scared sometimes I’ll see or hear things and I’m scared I’ll be stuck in dpdr forever and everything. But I’ve been doing better at calming down. But my dreams are so so so bad. I mean I’m waking up sweating and then being scared to get up bc I’m having horrible nightmares with weird shit happening in them. Anyone experience anything like this. And now my heads like what if I’m getting psychosis 🤦‍♀️. It’s like no break for me. It’s horrible.

Been really struggling with existential OCD since I’ve been dealing with derealization due to high stress levels. I constantly ruminate on how weird it is that we exist. I often ponder solipsism, too. Sometimes I convince myself I am the only person that exists and so I start to try to test that theory by asking questions to my family/friends and trying to predict their answers. I find this ridiculous intellectually but it’s a compulsion I can’t seem to stop. I find existential themes particularly distressing due to the fact that these ideas are unfalsifiable for the most part. Every day I wake up in a dissociated state, constantly feeling this awful dread about existence and how strange it is and how alone I feel in it even though I am not alone technically.

Hello guys, I’m having a hard weekend. Of all the what ifs. I hate how ruminating causes me a lot of depression. Sometimes I feel so trapped in my own body idk if anyone else can relate. I’m so tired of telling others about how I feel because I know that: 1) Is getting annoying 2) Is not helpful So I’m stuck feeling this dread. And guilt that I keep ruminating. Any tips or advice about this?? I feel like I’m disappointing God sometimes by paying too much attention to what the thoughts and feelings I’m getting but they’re so hard to ignore. Feed back would be greatly appreciated.):

I have a question. I feel like im convinced now that i do not need any treatment or visit a psychologist/therapist. I do have thoughts like : 1.) i just manipulated people around me into believing that i have HOCD and in reality I do not have it??? 2.) I even manipulated myself and made myself believe that i do have OCD, but in reality i do not. 3.) That i do not need any treatment, because RIGHT NOW i feel okay. That im not OCD enough. Not sick enough. Not anxious enough. Not feeling bad enough. Thoughts that therapist would be unnecessary for me. Or that therapist wouldnt even believe me that i have an issue. And sometimes it even makes me laugh when i think about it. Like why the fuck do I laugh? Ive been trough a hard times, so why this response?? My question is : Is this another OCD trick to not get any better? Or am I creating another reality for myself that this whole time this was just a whole big lie and i do not have OCD? Even though my diary is full of my repetitive thoughts. Again and again the same ones. So I HAVE LITERALLY AN EVIDENCE THAT THIS IS OCD CYCLE. Whats going on with me? Am I crazy?

My intrusive thoughts about ending my life have been so active today just constantly going and going and going. It's been exhausting. My brain just constantly makes me doubt it's OCD with thoughts like "are you sure you love your life" "what if you actually wanna die" and I just been so sad all day because I've had a really good week and now this happens again out of nowhere.... I'm feeling so discouraged and so scared. Then when I'm actually enjoying life laughing ect I get the thought "don't be happy because people are always happy before they do it" and that sends me spiraling... Please send me some encouragement or any tips to help I would greatly appreciate it 🥺 thank you in advance. 🤍 sending hugs...

Before I even knew I had ocd around last year I used to smoke a lot of weed like dabs joints carts everyday like a lot of weed and I used to be completely fine until I did shrooms I took 5 pieces of a shroom bar and had a really bad trip where I thought I died and after that I started to get a lot more of ocd symptoms more than ever before I never even knew I had it before this (but I still had all of the symptoms just not as intense but ever since that trip id experienced really bad ocd the past year) it started when I smoked after my trip and thought I was having a heart attack because my chest and left arm hurt and I googled everything nonstop and had to check my pulse every couple of minutes and having a panic attack because of it and then after that I was like I’m going crazy it has to be psychosis and I just started googling and just convincing myself I had all types of different sicknesses this feeling stayed when I was sober but was intensified whenever I smoked especially the existential ocd when I was high I felt like my thoughts were spiraling just about everything my existence and time especially time time freaked me out so much just the concept of it and how nothing lasts forever and even when I was sober time just scared me it made me sad that was out of my control and nothing lasts forever and everything I do will be a memory and just so many thoughts about it that I just can’t even explain into words I recently heard people using micro doses of shrooms to help their ocd I was wondering if anyone had an experience like mine?

i don’t think i have ocd, i have no idea what my compulsions are or if i even do any. the stuff that used to help me doesn’t work anymore, the more i searched the more it was convincing me that i was. each time i’d talk to my mum about it all when she’d reassure me i’d just automatically feel like everything i was saying was a lie and that i left parts out so she didn’t think differently of me. this is all so much, someone told me that noticing what your compulsions are helps a lot but i don’t know what mine are or if i even have them. if i don’t have it that will mean all these thoughts are probably really who i am and all the stuff ive been convinced ive done in the past is true. when i first started taking medication it was really bad, i felt like i needed to die. i’d research about p’s or their behaviours or go on quora and stuff to see the answer to my questions, at first it reassured me that i was nothing like those people but the stuff people would say abt their experiences would go through my head over and over again. my mind was constantly repeating comments i had read. i stopped reading because it didn’t help me but now the damage has been done and i know all of this stuff about people that i don’t want to know. it would help me knowing p’s didn’t get a groinal response from a name or a simple word which reassured me but now i don’t get that anymore and im searching for that because it was the thing i relied on the most. it’s made me feel disgusting for even looking for that feeling. when i first used reddit and this app every time o saw something i related to i would screenshot it and read over it to remind myself that other people are going through the exact same things as me but now i just feel like because ive read so much about it, i’ve convinced myself i do have ocd to cover up that im a bad person. i don’t feel worthy enough to receive help or even be happy because im probably just convincing myself i do have it.

Where I live this girl was just shot and killed at a mall yesterday she was innocent but there was a fight between some other people and someone pulled out a gun and she got hit I didn’t know her at all but she’s around my age and I had seen tiktoks about it and I went to her page and just seeing her instagram and tiktok posts just days before her death really got to me her and her family had no idea what was gonna happen to her just a few days later and it’s just so scary to me because it just makes me feel so out of control or everything and something bad like that can happen to me or someone else no warning last Sunday my uncle died of a heart attack it was pretty random and he’s 51 no one saw it coming and just all of this together makes me really scared for my own life and it just scares me that my time could be coming and id have no idea it’s really scary to me because my biggest fear is death I don’t know how to make these feelings stop but i just feel really anxious if anyone has felt this way I would really really love to hear some advice or just anything I hate feeling this way