Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I don’t know how to stop I feel like I’m going to develop psychosis from my existential OCD

the only path that leads me from here is suicide. because it's gonna only get worse from now. i keep thinking what could happen that is worse than this and in the future it eventually happens. and im terrified. i just thought abt a possible fear of a certain horrible thinking, and the more i fear the more it becomes possible and stronger. i already opened the doors to hell and it can't be closed by just not thinking abt it.

Hi, so my mum and sister are going away for 5 days this week/weekend and i genuinely dont know how i am going to survive. I still have my dad, but i feel my mum is the only person who knows what to do with me, and if i stress out/feel sick then she knows how to calm me down. My sister also is okay with this, and def better then my dad so idk what to do. I have cried so many times over the last couple of days and usually the longer ik abt it and the more i think about someone going away i start to feel better and see the positives, but this time it just keeps getting worse and worse. I also feel horrible that i am making my mum feels bad for going on a trip she is excited about just because of my stupid OCD. I have talked to my therapist about it but no one truly understands what it is like so they cannot really help me.I honestly dont know how i am going to get through this and go to skl for a couple days and act like everything is ok. Please help me and tell me tips or advice for this.

So today I’ve been crying all day. My existential OCD has flared up in the past week and it may or may not have been because of me trying to quit nicotine. Don’t get me wrong I had been having thoughts before that but it seemed to be at a calm for a few months. I also have been alone for the past week due to my mom going away on vacation. That may or may not have been a factor as well. But I’ve been feeling really depressed and scared. So much has been on my mind that it would be paragraphs and paragraphs so I’ll just leave it up to the people who have experienced existential OCD. I’ve noticed that I haven’t been giving much attention to my other subtypes in the sense of challenging them. I guess I felt that since I had the scary existential thoughts on hold that I didn’t have to work on the other stuff because I felt like those things were worth worrying about instead of worrying about my purpose or why am I me type of thoughts. I just write this to share and maybe get advice from anyone experiencing what I’ve been experiencing. I’m going to keep going though and keep trying to kick OCD’s ass. Because what’s the alternative? Lol. Hope whoever is reading this is enjoying the little things and giving themselves grace and having a good day. 😊🙏

Hi about a week ago I found out I have ocd and chronic anxiety! I tried zoloft and it was terrible for me. I also started therapy and I take hydroxyzine but I will discuss further medication with my doctor. My question is I have a huge fear that I'm going crazy, I am crazy, or schizophrenic to the point I'm so hyper aware of my surrounding ill look out the corner of my eye to make sure I'm nit seeing anything ill make sure to double check what I'm hearing and it's so draining! I get really scared and go into a panic and cry 😅 I need some reassurance has anyone felt this way my doctor and therapist explained it to me but I'm still very scared. I feel like one day I'll have a break and I won't be the same! I tried the grounding exercise and breathing it helps temporarily. I also cut out smoking weed and none of my family has this but I feel like I have it or ill develope it even though it's rare!

I’m a dog walker. I connect with dogs 5 days a week. I get very attached to my clients and their spirits. I see dogs as spirit guides and beautiful, loving animals. This week, I have lost a fur friend with whom I grew a strong bond with. All I can say is that death is sudden and I didn’t get much info about the incident. Just a few texts. I felt like John Wick when he lost his puppy, his little ball of sunshine, during dark times. I’ve been struggling to accept this dog’s death. I cried. Wrote in my journal. Tried to rest and clean. Sadly, I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I keep thinking about how I will never get to see him ever again. Signs of spring are here but I can’t enjoy them because I’m preoccupied with ruminating what could’ve possibly happened to him. I keep thinking how this sweet boy won’t be able to sit in the sun with me or smell the new flowers that are blooming. I get pissed because a week ago I saw him and everything was all fine and dandy. Life was good. Now, I’ll even search online as if I can seek answers to tell me what happened. I know I’m grieving. I just want this to be a bad joke. 😞

I'm throwing a party for death I hope he arrives soon. I hope he makes a detour at that little girls place and trades her last breath for whatever's left of my life I was happy to see the rest of my life I just cannot imagine Living life with the horrible thoughts The thoughts that got too comfortable Turning my head to their cozy apartment I hope death arrives soon He'll fit in very well With the inhabitants of my mind He can have a blast before taking me out Of whatever this was meant to be (I had to repost it due to some previous errors)

For as long as I can remember I had OCD health OCD linked to my fear of death I have a slight pain and I imagine myself dying .. I avoided eating foods due to phobia of allergy I'm scared of dying in my sleep It's difficult because I'm religious I'm scared please how can this fear stop

I’m really struggling with this theme because it can make me feel “fake” and it creates doubts that the world around me isn’t real or it’s a simulation? I’m really trying to expose myself but even the possibility makes me incredibly afraid. It even plays into my suicidal ocd as well and makes me afraid that my life would be miserable if this was true. I know how ocd works and I know not to fully believe that. But at the same time, I am trapped in doubt and fear. How could I possibly accept this? Will I ever see the world or life the same again? (Don’t answer that I realize that’s reassurance). Idk this theme is so ass.

Hey there! I’m new to the NOCD community. Just joined today, but in desperate need of encouragement from my fellow relationship OCD subtypes and scrupulosity subtypes. In the summer of 2023, I was a youth pastor and dated a guy from my church. I quickly broke it off because i felt lustful, sinful, and he didn’t meet my high standards. I quickly fell into depression and guilt, seeing this guy at my church. I felt like I had disappointed God by kissing a man he didn’t tell me to, or kissing someone I wasn’t going to marry. Fall and winter of 2023, I was having panic attacks. Dry heaving because of anxiety. I was obsessing over the end times and if I was going to be with Jesus for eternity or not. January and February of 2024, I was suicidal. Yet I thought it was spiritual warfare. I was spiritualizing everything, crying, dry heaving, having intense panic attacks. End of March and April, I was admitted into the hospital for my mental health by my pastor/boss and his wife from my church. They got me on sertraline but I was suicidal, delusional, and violent. So I admitted myself into a psych ward. During my time in the psych ward, I hallucinated, was delusional, acted out parables and experienced what’s called catatonic psychosis.. look it up lol. I was put on heavy doses of Haldol, an antipsychotic, which made me extremely high and antsy. I was hospitalized 4 times in April due to delusions, catatonic psychosis, and antipsychotics. I was extremely afraid of the devil, demonic spirits, thought I was the antichrist and had hallucinations. It was an extremely scary part of my life. All while this is happening, I had started dating my ex bf again. Who turned out to be a Godly man that I rushed things with and who had been praying and waiting for me. I stayed with my family over the summer of 2024 as I reacclimatized to real life again. And eventually moved back to where I was living as a youth pastor.. except I got a different job. When I moved back home.. it was really hard for me to get back into church. It was hard for me to see my church family who had seen me as a spiritual leader. I didn’t want to do church anymore. My bf and I then starting to sleep together, and I felt so broken and nauseous knowing it was wrong and we were sinning against God. We had given into temptation, and my ocd was running wild sometimes. I had been diagnosed with scrupulosity after being hospitalized. We’re still together to this day, are engaged and getting married, but I feel awful. I resigned my pastoral license because of fornication. I just feel paralyzed by shame. We’ve told multiple people we’ve slept together, whether it was a confession compulsion of mine or not.. idk. But are going through purity and pre marital counseling with that same pastor/former boss of mine. I just.. need encouragement. Anyone?

Tw- hell, torture, die To experience hell twice Sounds like my joy ride To continue living in my headspace Not getting adjusted to a new setting Not having to squint my eyes And readjust to the light After living in the dark for so long Hell does not scare me It sounds too familiar But heaven does I am afraid I will never be enough I cannot have enough faith Or enough compassion Nor can I be selfless I am afraid of loosing my last bit of sanity Trying to go against my ruined flesh Bringing everything to the surface and having to face the mess I've become So let me take the easier path Let me burn in hell Torture feels more welcoming either way How can my heart ever fathom love When my heart has turned dark I'm afraid of being scolded And told I'm such a mess (Honestly how I'm feeling rn!)

Of course we can’t stop the inevitable but with my ocd it’s all I can think about. I’m afraid I’ll be alone for ever and I’ll fear forever. Fear does not stop death it stops life. But how do I stop fear??? I can’t think of anything scarier than the fact that our conscious will vanish for eternity. I am only 20 years old but I mean the last 5 years flew by like nothing.

I keep seeing coupled numbers or angel numbers and having dejvu and in my mind when I get constant Deja Vu which in my mind means something bad is about ti happen I have had it 6 times today 3 in the last hour and I honestly feel like I'm going insane whether its Deja Vu of the numbers it causes me to question every action I make. If I see the numbers or get Deja Vu it dictates my day and I can't live this way anymore. Everyone I try and talk to doesn't understand and there is no way I can ever tell anyone about my violent intrusive thoughts the one time I did my mother called the police. Sorry for the run-on sentences and if it doesn't flow right I'm just really struggling right now and have been for a long time and I just want help I'm scared of my own mind. Thank you for whoever answers this post just one person would sadly make my day.

does anyone else struggle with this? is it actually OCD or am I just tripping??? It’s like my mind tries to get the best of me, it tries to tell me I want something different from what I actually want or think a way that doesn’t really align with me, my values or even lifestyle? Just me??

bruh I was sleeping & I suddenly am woken up by one of my cats. idk what was happening but she was making a weird howling noise. her tail was puffed up and she was either looking out the window or looking at my other cat. I told her to be quiet bc idk why she was making such a weird noise. thing is, I never heard her do that. then when I threw something on the floor (my bed is a loft), they both kinda flinched. I didn’t hurt them but just needed my girl to relax. they were both looking at each other & my girl was growling/howling at my other cat. idk why. like ik sometimes they fight but she was being weird. anyway, I had to use the bathroom so I did. the door to my room was open which meant they could get out if they wanted. they didn’t. they were by the window. very odd. came back up the bed & now my mind is frightening me. thoughts are racing, ranging from: there’s something/someone at the window, likely some shadow figure to my cats secretly being possessed by some mysterious entity. my mind goes wild & when I’m suddenly woken up, I’m still in that dream state. idk how to put it but my mind starts to believe things and I feel very vulnerable. literally it’s night and everyone else in my household is asleep. these moments felt like nightmare fuel & any sudden noise triggered me. like I felt maybe my cats were going to stand on their legs and chant some shit idk. I wanna go back to sleep soon. I need my paranoid ass to calm down. at some point I started to get kinda freaked out just looking at my cats. ruhrjfjdsnnfnf I hate waking up suddenly at night T_T

I want to write a book about faith and the cross of ocd. And how that looks with faith. I myself am Catholic but I am going to be writing open to all denominations. Because we are all brothers and sisters carrying our cross of OCD to get to heaven. Could you please comment a question you have? A struggle you have? or something may be a good topic to bring up in a book to represent or help those with ocd and searching in faith. Thank you.

How the hell do I tell this to my therapist?! So like I said about shape-sifting fictional characters like Pennywise sometimes when they’re male I get attracted to them by their charm for example bob gray aka Pennywise in It. Idk if you know the IT lore but IT the creature is supposed to be female or so they say but the clown bob gray is male. Which triggers my ocd cause I don’t want to be attracted to a female character now my intrusive thoughts is like oh I can’t handle it I wish I was dead like Georgie. I may have to get rid of everything I have that deals with this movie cause it triggered a thought I thought I would never have. I haven’t even watched the movie but when everyone started talking about it again cause a new series is coming up the thought just keeps coming back😭 SOS

The things that used to make me happy? The things that used to make me sad? I don't know how to connect with those anymore. I used to be happy just looking at the sunset and nature, I loved being present in the moment but now being present in the moment is scary because now I'm faced with my thoughts and new potential ones so I'd rather distract myself. I love kballads and I used to listen to them and just cry and be happy because they sound so beautiful but now I can't embrace these things that feel like beauty because I feel like the exact opposite. The only things I can enjoy are K-drama's! But I can't watch things with kids in it. So yah that's tricky! And the things that make me sad?! Well I used to be sad and terrified about loosing my loved ones but now it's a different kind of sad. I used to be sad because of miss them and all that but now I'm scared of facing now messed up my emotions have become. I'm scared of loosing someone I love and then not being able to feel sad because I'm just numb, or even worse...if it becomes something I'm okay with or what if OCD convinces me that I'm happy about it because honestly it would be weird moving around the world with such emotions. So not only has OCD made it hard for me to enjoy the good things but also hard for me to feel sad about the sad things or just to put it short...to experience emotions normally.

Hi everyone I’m new here and well today was a very hard day for me… so a couple months ago out of no where my brain just went poof literally to not get so much into detail I experienced a lot of things but during that whole process I developed intrusive thoughts of hurting my self or others its been going on since December I knew someThing was off so I went for professional help Ive been working very hard in recovering now those intrusive thoughts aren’t the problem as much because I figured out what was the trigger (I think) but now it’s more obsessing over religion and spirituality and what’s real and what’s not and it makes me panic and creates panic attacks and just kind of makes my episodes a lot worst… so I would like to know if anyone has experienced this? How do get through it? How do you talk yourself out of it?

Hi everyone, My name is Trevin (24,male,he/him) and I’m new to this app and this is my first post. Here’s how I’m feeling today: OCD frustrates the hell out of me. Mostly when it becomes hard for me to comprehend. A few weeks ago I had convinced myself I have Huntington’s Disease (or will have it in the future). I was reading symptoms that overlap with how I was feeling at that time, and started drawing connections to my life. Some large connections, like my grandma who has parkinson’s, and my psychiatrist augmenting my SSRI with memantine, fixating on “what it means” for me, a young, healthyish individual to be on an “old person” drug. Some longshot connections linked to Huntington’s, like my above average intelligence and large head size. Each symptom I found that “clicked” my OCD made the anxiety ramp up. I shut this down fairly quickly as I could tell it was unrealistic and it felt very clearly that it was OCD. However, on days like today, my OCD is a much more undefeated beast, not dissimilar to a Rancor. Unfortunately I am not a Jedi. Today, my OCD just feels like nothing feels right. I feel like my entire perception of the world is different today. I’m drowning in it. The sky looks different, the coldness against my skin feels more piercing than it normally would. My thoughts just feel like a whirlpool, like I can’t place a finger on a single thought I have. They are moving fast and swirling like a galactic orb or nebula. Everything just feels “off”. And that makes me frustrated and angry. I feel like I have no control of myself. TLDR; I fucking hate this disorder. And I hate its name too. More often than not, I don’t feel like I have an obsession or compulsion. It’s just a feeling or perspective distortion. Maybe a better name for OCD is Control & Doubt Disorder, or Obsessional Uncertainty Disorder. I hate searching OCD online and it simplifying the hell out of it: “Obsessions that lead to compulsions”. Girl, I wish it was that fucking cut and dry and easy to delineate. I still insist to my psychiatrist that I have a different disorder in addition to OCD, because what I feel doesn’t “feel” like OCD. They, of course, insists that this is OCD about OCD. Ugh, frustrated, whatever :P Thanks for reading 🫶🏻