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Idk what to do anymore. I had an attack from 🍃 in 2021. I couldn’t feel anything and it all felt odd. It’s been 4 years! 4 years!!!! And I still have attacks. But in the past 2 years it hasn’t been anything visual really. I can see everyone, I just can’t feel connected to me still nor my surroundings. My head keeps repeating. “You’re not real, nothings real”. Even tho ik I can see my mom and dad and nothings distorted. I don’t get it! I’m scared. Is this the start of psychosis? I was diagnosed with ocd when I was 13 and it got really bad after smoking once. I feel alone. I know where I am. But I feel out of place, and for some reason I keep thinking nothings real in my head over and over again. I feel so alone. I want to be a nurse but I’m like I’m useless. Nothing feels right. Can anybody help me, or has anyone experienced this!

I’ve been struggling badly lately. It started with a flare-up of stomach issues that made me go down the rabbit hole. I convinced myself that there was something seriously physically wrong with me even though I’ve been to the doctors numerous times and nothing has ever been found. It made me panic daily for weeks on end. All I could focus on was my stomach and the pain. Now my focus has switched and I’m just as afraid. I can’t really put my finger on it but I just feel like there's something wrong with me. I don't know if it's physical or mental. I almost feel like I’ve broken my brain beyond repair from the constant fear, anxiety, and panic. I just feel trapped in my head all of the time and it freaks me out. The harder I try to escape it the worse it feels. I’ve started to become so aware of my every thought to the point that I can hardly sleep at night. Everything around me just feels so strange. I feel strange. Now I’m just constantly monitoring how I feel and if I’m back to normal. At the same time I’ve been having a lot of existential thoughts like “what’s my purpose,” “what’s the meaning of life,” “do I actually enjoy anything,” “am I happy or will I ever be happy?” I feel like I can’t enjoy anything because I’m always thinking about these things. I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been before. Every second of every day feels like pure torture. My brain tells me that I’ll never get better and that no one will be able to help me. I have no hope.

I’m just realizing I have OCD. I have been diagnosed with adhd, autism and CPTSD but OCD never occurred to me until recently. My OCD manifests internally (pure O) then I seek reassurance for whatever topic I’m fixating on so of course I chalked it up to anxiety but it’s so much more than that. And I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. Now it’s really messing with my life. Lately, it’s been ROCD that’s been ruining me. I had a couple deep wounds created by my husband a few years ago and I’m constantly fixating on if he’s lying, really loves me, and or he wants to leave me. I’m constantly asking for reassurance and I think he’s getting tired of it. He’s an otherwise great partner but the OCD has really kicked in after I found out he was hiding a porn addiction, he hid it twice and it really ruined my self esteem and trust in him. Now I get triggered by every pretty girl I see, every social media post about relationships, I fixate on how unattractive he might find me or what’s wrong with me. I’m also aging in my thirties so I obsess over if he is getting less attracted as I age . I feel pathetic. Of course he always tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me but I’m always suspicious that he’s not being honest. I’ve always had OCD but this is the worst I’ve been with my relationship. I’m melting down and doubting us often and especially at night. It’s been a few years now and I feel like it’s gotten so hard. When I was younger it was health OCD, then it was existential, and I definitely fixate on if I’m “good” morally too. I’ll confess and overshare to people all my mistakes. And on top of the ROCD, I have pure OCD and get the worst images and intrusive thoughts at work/ random places and it’s horrible because I work with vulnerable people. My biggest nightmare and fear is pedophilia or assault, and I care deeply about my kids and vulnerable people so it’s like my mind hates me and these horrible images and thoughts fly at me l. I would never ever harm my kids or vulnerable people so this is especially disturbing and mortifying. I learned that OCD is ego dystonic and that’s helped but the images still make me feel awful. I also have been the scapegoat and black sheep in my narcissistic abusive family so I will my OCD will fixate on if I AM the narcissist! It’s exhausting. It got worse after I encountered my abuser in my family earlier this year and he brought up a lot of trauma. He is actually a narcissist but my brain will try to convince me that I am, and I will give in to the compulsion then do quizzes and tests and of course they tell me I’m not a narcissist, but then my OCD will make me think I am. I’m very empathetic and terrified of hurting people yet my brain tries to convince me I’m horrible, then the reassurance seeking and anxiety that manifests from my OCD and trauma makes me feel so self absorbed and sick of myself, convincing me I’m narcissistic for thinking of myself so much. I’m so exhausted by this. My brain tortures me. The overthinking is hard to combat. I really try hard to accept these thoughts as just thoughts but there’s always that voice creeping in that maybe the intrusive thoughts are right. Maybe I’m terrible and unlovable. I hate it.

It was a really serious situation.I didn't help a kid in danger years ago.Now I just keep thinking what happened and feel like a monster.And I am scared honestly.That I am like that person who hurt them.And I am scared I will be blamed.I am scared that I don't care and just don't want to be blamed.I just keep thinking what happened and how difficult it must been for them.They told me and I didn't help.I can't imagine.I am so mad .And I am afraid I dont care and even agree( it makes me sick when I think that).I wish I can do something..anything..but it might be too late.Apologise but I don't wanna make them remember.I feel responsible

I've been struggling about OCD for a long time and I've only been made aware of it now. It's the cause of all my worrying, compulsions, and all the times I feel unpeaceful. When I first learnt about it I felt really relieved. My kind of "obsession" are intrusive thoughts that contradict my faith and values. I've spent years fighting these thoughts and doing compulsions of seeking reassurance from verses or praying and such or saying "no I don't!!" when they happen. I try to ignore them anduse cognitive defusion but sometimes it just breaks my peace. Another obsession I have is having images in my head about touching dirty things like the rust in my bathroom. A compulsions I have regarding that is imagining myself being anywhere BUT the bathroom but it doesn't stop. Now that I know, I'll try and find a way to heal, and figure it out with myself and God (because I can't rely on my parents, they're not the open-minded kind regarding mental health)

I don't know what's happening me recently, I was lukewarm and this year I've tried to get closer to God I feel distant from God and like even if I pray there's something I'm missing I read the bible everyday and pray everyday but Recently like in the Span of 3 or 4 weeks I feel off. And it keeps changing what it is like before when I would pray I kept getting loads of thoughts every time distracting me and loads of disrespectful thoughts and it was hard to pray and OCD and intrusive thoughts all the time but it was getting worse only when I prayed. And I feel like different things are going on distracting me and I keep failing the past 2 or 4 days I've been even more distant from God im tryna change that today but I feel like something is missing also that I feel God has been telling me possibly unless I'm overthinking that my heart is hardened and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm still lukewarm and what to do to be Born again, And I don't know if I'm giving my whole heart to God I want to but if I'm not then Idk how? And also I think my heart is hard in another way too like this distance and me failing God I feel sad but I can't even cry and my dog aswell I feel so bad for him he had had fleas for 10 months and treatment and shampoos didn't work and I think it's kind of my fault for letting him on carpets and my bed since I feel so bad for him because hd doesn't like to be alone and one of my little sisters has so many bites from fleas on her and it's my fault. I can't do anything right, and he is not eating enough because I don't have enough food for him right now and he's not even eating full meals I have no dog food left and my parent said I can't buy any right now but I've been forgetting to feed him sometimes because I've been tryna focus on getting closer to God but I'm failing everything, I don't know what to I feel bad for my dog too he's been my best friend since 2018 but I can't even cry when I feel bad. I also keep worrying if I'm lying to myself that I care or faking everything idk something says that in my head sometimes, But my mum said to me in an arguement in 2024, "Are you really that heartless?" I don't know what to think anymore I think I am. It feels like I have no control over my heart. I'm sorry I keep rambling about random stuff, the way I explained this is probably like a 3 year old sorry. I'm 15 btw

Im easily scared so please be gentle. My ocd lately has been stuck on “how are we even here?” “What if this is fake” “how are we in a globe”. Super weird questions that I can’t answer or get my thoughts off of it. Anyone else out there with the same? I haven’t found a lot of people with existential ocd.

Everyday I wake up with a pit in my stomach and it doesn’t go away. I question reality and if anything is real. How it’s real and why it’s real? Everyday I wake up I’m disappointed I don’t have answers to life. By answers I mean the afterlife (if there is one) I find it hard to accept someday our life ends. It makes me wonder if life even has a point. It consumes me everyday and I can’t function normally. I wonder what I’ll do when my family members pass and where they’ll go. If I’ll ever see them again. I cry every night because I genuinely don’t know how I’ll handle that one day. I’m deeply afraid of losing the people I love and never seeing them again. Overall, I question everything about life. There’s so I don’t know and I know I can’t find the answer and that devastates me. I truly wonder how I got here and why I was chosen to be here. It freaks me out. I try to find solutions. For example, I consider myself agnostic. And I would like there to be a God but it’s difficult for me to believe it without evidence. What if it’s not real? And there’s so many things out there. I wonder if reincarnation is real or if it’s just something us humans made up for comfort. I’m working on my relationship with God but I don’t know. I feel guilty because I feel like I’m only doing it because I’m afraid.

Has anyone tried to read this book and put forth the principles of it? I’m trying so hard because I am deep in the bowels of an OCD spiral and dissociation and I feel like I have no life purpose because I’m jealous of everything. But I’m trying to gain self confidence and not judge my partner or others on their past and trying to not let self limiting beliefs get to me. It’s going to be a lot of work. I feel like I’ve never tried to make my own self happy ever and tried to protect myself (my inner child). But this book says that our beliefs aren’t entirely influenced by trauma? I dunno. It uses Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy.

How do you obtain knowledge when you doubt your knowledge? What a vile riddle.

As a teenager and in other ways up until age 21, I was just an absolutely horrible person. It wasn't just a one time event that I regret, it was a lifestyle. I was a hedonist and a narcissist to an unbelievable degree and didn't even realize it. I read people's stories on here related to their real events and I just feel that I've done so much worse so it fuels this feeling that I'm unredeemable. And again it's not like I just made "one mistake." I was living under such a cloud of self-delusion and non-confrontation that I couldn't even embrace that what I was doing was wrong. Something pulled me out of that one night and I was forced to confront my actions (I believe it was God) but I've been living in this hell that is obsession ever since. I'm so guilty and ashamed and I'm desperate to find redemption. I can't forgive myself and I can't understand why I was the way I was or how on earth I even covered up what I was doing from others and even from myself mentally. I would just put a veil in my mind and not even think it was an issue. It's more likely than not that I am what I fear I am, so I guess trying to unconditionally accept the possibility of being what I fear is the only real way through this. Realistically I deserve all the suffering I'm receiving but I realize I can't have that mindset if I'm to have any hope of recovery. This is unbelievably isolating and I can't talk to anyone because of the risks involved. All I can do is try to limit compulsions, try to (somehow) accept the possibility of the worst case scenario and do my best to serve others.

does anyone else have this? when I had panic attacks in the past I’d fear death, but now I’m more afraid of losing myself and being taken over by some psychotic version of me. It makes every panic attack that much more debilitating , because I’m fearing losing my brain, my future, everything…and never going back to normal.

Hi everyone, this is my first post on the forum, and honestly, it’s one I wanted to use to reach out and feel a little bit less alone, and possibly ask some advice to people who have been where I currently am! I have gone through a few OCD themes over the years, including harm OCD, POCD, moral scrupulosity and a few other smaller themes, but in the last year I’ve really hit Existential OCD hard, as I’ve managed to accept and move past all my old themes. It started out quite “normal” for Existential OCD; Solipsism fears, Simulation fears, am I even real, what even is real kinda stuff, that I’ve often come across when looking at other people’s experiences. I’ve done a lot of work to move past these themes and have had a good level of success. But recently, and this is what I really wanted to reach out and see if anybody else has experienced something similar; I’ve found that I’ve started experiencing fears around more physics based things, I was freaked out by the fact we are made up of atoms and how can we be us if we are a load of little floating items, I was freaked out by things like multiverse theory, black holes and many many more physics based concepts. I’ve been struggling to move past these as, as my brain keeps reminding me, they are real, proven concepts as opposed to things like simulation theory which, maybe is, maybe isn’t. Has anyone else been down this road after the “normal” existential topics? And could you share some insight into how you might have moved past these particular fears that are more grounded in real concepts as opposed to more philosophical ideas? Thanks guys!

I really need help. I am severely dissociated to where I can’t feel joy for anything at all. I’m stuck crying all the time. I have a history of emotional abuse from my father growing up so it’s made it really hard to trust people. He verbally abused me and never made me feel good enough. Then he died when I was 21 and I dont remember him telling me he loved me even then. Or a time when he meant it unless I accimplished something. It always felt empty. I tend to sabotage relationships and don’t mean to and find flaws in everything. I even get jealous of children and never wanted any in fears that I wouldn’t be as loved as much as them. And fear I would bring on the traits to them that my father did to me. I realize everything I do is an OCD compulsion and also I have such deep rooted fears. Fear of the future, but also the past. I loop about my husbands appearance even though I love him dearly and I dont want to think that way and it makes me sick. I think about the past and how he brought up things in confidence after we got married because he trusts me and he felt ashamed, but it still spiraled me out due to my own insecurities and my brain is like “what if you never accept his past and can’t move on from it”. Finding out new info spirals me out even if it’s something I know he legitimately cannot change or control and it was not anything that someone should not have been able to move on from. Even though I have a past myself???? That is 20x worse than his. My brain adds extra meaning. I constantly fear that I’m being cheated on or will be left, or how things can go wrong at any point. I’m afraid of having kids because of what I just mentioned as well as the fear of medical intervention and something going wrong. I’m afraid of people dying. I’m afraid of people hating me and I’m a huge people pleaser. I feel like everything in life I’ve never done for myself, and I have a huge fear of being by myself. I have constant compulsions and have since I was a child. But right now I’m at a breaking point and I’m like what do I want to even live life for if I’m so jealous and afraid of everything. And I never do things for self enjoyment. I have like no self identity at all and I always feel like I have to tell people about my achievements or how I feel in hopes that the little girl inside me will be heard. Am I too far gone with having these thoughts and also complex PTSD with the OCD? I feel like I’m stuck in a perpetual hell. I haven’t had a breakdown this bad since I was 11 years old. I spent 4 months crying and crying not knowing what was happening to me. Then I snapped out of it somehow. But I’m an adult now and it feels like my life is crumbling around me. I’ve been so scared to work because of fear of criticism due to the emotional abuse which I’m just now putting together… and also because of not trusting myself. I always ask for outside opinions. And I fear things going wrong all the time. I quit my last job due to POCD because I was working with children. And now that I’ve reached a point where I feel like there’s just ambiguous questions with no answers I felt a switch flip in my brain. For the worst. All my emotions shut off and it’s just been hell on earth with constant thoughts and dread and self loathing. I’m so tired of feeling afraid and alone. And I know a lot of it is a bunch of inner pain. I’m not even really looking for sympathy I just feel like I’m beyond help because of all I’ve been through. I can’t feel hope right now and it’s really scary. I have had pretty much every OCD theme there is and have lived my whole life in constant fear and anxiety. ROCD (main theme right now), POCD, HOCD, SOOCD, Health OCD (big one right now), existential OCD, religious OCD, fear that my husband and I won’t be together after we pass. Or that I’ll be replaced by another person if I were to die. Or if he dies before me. Plus I feel sad when friends say certain things or anything triggers abandonment. I am so caught up and I know it takes a mindset shift for this to all get better, but how with so much working against me? I’m so terrified. And I’m self hating so bad.

This lady always posts and she’s for sure of God but every few weeks I get in this spiral and I’ve seen so much he’s comin in September. And I know he’s coming soon but I try not to think about it cuz it spirals me or if I’m just ignoring the fact I know he’s coming. The one that says we won’t be here for Christmas makes me sick

Idk how to caption it other than that. My whole life I’ve had an issue with memory hoarding and the upside has been that I have a really vivid memories of my childhood and I get to remember my best days, the main downside has always been I have a lot of childhood trauma too and I remember every detail meticulously like I can relive and reanalyze them which has caused issues in my healing. However as much pain as it is to remember bad things so well it’s always been a bit of a comfort bc at least I know for sure even if other people don’t know or don’t believe. But as of lately I I’ve been forgetting things, whether it’s what time I’m supposed to work (and I have compulsions when checking my work schedule bc I’m always scared of reading it wrong so I usually open it up read it close it and open it up again 2-3 times so I usually KNOW) or what day it is, or just small things that I don’t remember saying or doing that other people swear on. I just have always felt like I know at the very least I know and lately I don’t and I’m so scared of going crazy and losing myself like literally my biggest fear. So I hate this. Today is Friday I was convinced yesterday was Friday and I woke up today for my Saturday shift completely convinced today was Saturday. I hate being wrong and making those small mistakes because it’s terrifying to think about what else I’m remembering wrong, or what else do I not “know” that isn’t actually the truth? I’m just so scared of losing myself mind. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

Hello lovely community, I’m curious if anyone else has dealt with existential OCD, especially with a fear of life having no meaning. My biggest compulsion is doing something meaningful and checking if I feel different, like happy or elated or fulfilled, which usually leads me to feel the opposite. How do I prevent compulsions that are so automatic? Even if I’m just making jokes or hanging out with friends, I’ll automatically check how I’m feeling. I worry often that my OCD will get “worse” and become unmanageable. I’ll often check my emotions or thoughts or feelings to see how my OCD is in that moment, to see if its getting worse or better, which leads me to constantly be on high alert and very aware of my thoughts and feelings. I’ll also avoid doing things I love or overindulge to check my emotions. Any advice would be appreciated :)

It is crazy how long I have been suffering from OCD without even knowing, since most of my compulsions are mental. Now that I'm more able to identify OCD, it is insane how sneaky it is and tries to direct every negative emotion towards my theme. My therapist is wonderful and even though some of the things she says trigger my OCD. I know it's because I can't know for certain and that's the whole point of OCD therapy. I'm nervously optimistic about the future, but the idea of not knowing for certain is still really triggering for me.

Hi guys, im kind of spiraling right now because I read on reddit but also in articles that when women take the birth control pill for a long time and get off it they notice that 1) their taste in men changes and 2) their sexual orientation changes (that it was basically masked by the hormones and they are actually into girls). I'm super scared because I believe that SOOCD (or not) started for me at a young age (I remember watching a movie and they zoomed in on a women's legs and I felt something down there and got so scared). So when I started the pill I was about 16 years old and had already experienced SOOCD (if it really is that but I was also diagnosed by a psychologist). But this is when yous tart discovering yoruself. And then I met my now fiancé at 20 (I still had doubts about my sexuality) but I was/am happy with him. I am now trying to handle my SOOCD by saying no one is 100% anything and sexuality is so complex and can be fluid and that today i am choosing to love my bf and its been going ok (the thoughts are still here but without the anxiety so thats fine). I'm 27 now and I'm just scared that once I get off the pill I'll realise that it was never SOOCD, that I was never into guys and it was just the hormones and society and that I will leave my fiancé and ruin everything and would have lost all this time. The most horrible thing is that when I imagine it it feels real and it feels like I'll be happier with a women and I'll just be sad because im losing a friend and not the love of my life. Did it happen with someone here or do you have any advice?

Where it's like "help the poor, oppressed, marginalized or youre a bad person" but also "don't help them too much cause that's saviorism" but also "don't talk about how you help because that's virtue signaling ," but also "silence is complicit speak out!" Like how do we know if we are doing the morally right thing?