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One thing I’m scared of is that I get through all the exposures and then I still believe the false memories are real.. can anyone relate or share an experience?

Hi! I am young and undiagnosed, I'm gonna get an appointment set up to start that process. Right now though, I feel like this came almost out of nowhere. I've been diagnosed with GAD and emetophobia for many years, and I realized a couple years ago I had some symptoms similar to OCD and even briefly considered that I may have had POCD just before highschool. However, because of what I suspect to be scrupulosity OCD, I was so deeply afraid I was faking and didn't say anything else. But a few days ago it really hit me that OCD actually aligns with my experience like.. a bit too much? And since then I've been driven absolutely mad. I spend an hour or more a day anxiously researching and the intrusive thoughts have gotten so much worse because I just can't get out of my head. I feel like I have to constantly research to make 100% sure my symptoms actually line up because if I'm faking that would make me a bad person. It's a constant stream of thoughts telling me I'm a bad person. I freak out and just repeat "no, no, no" or "stop, stop, stop" or try and think of something else. This is very ramble-ish and vent-ish, I know. I'm just so afraid. Did anyone else's OCD come out of seemingly nowhere? Or maybe this is just my first bad flare-up and I spent so long thinking my behavior was normal I never thought about it till now?? I'm not sure. Talking to a doctor ASAP because I can't take being undiagnosed, it gives the anxiety too much ammo to call me a bad person with.

I went to bed one night in November, and I can't quite say what happened, but I believed that I had a "memory" from childhood. I won't discuss what, but I had "remembered" doing something sickeningly awful. This thing came to me almost as clear as a real memory. I remember thinking something along the lines of 'How could I forget doing something like that?' followed by a feeling of complete horror and terror. I have moments of "clarity" where I can't believe that I'm questioning doing this thing, and it appears obvious that it's false. But now, I'm more than often believing that I did. I am spending 24/7 fighting my head, and it's taking me to dark places. I know this is the worst thing to do, but you don't understand, if this is real then I am a monster and I can't just adopt the 'maybe I did, maybe I didn't approach'. I just can't. I have to know. I'm so scared. My entire life is on the line. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Literally no one. I feel like I'm insane, like I'm a monster, like I'm hiding my true identity from everyone I love. Does this sound like False Memory? Or am I in denial, trying to convince myself this didn't happen? Why does it feel so real? And why do I have moments of clarity? I also had my first nightmare about it last night. Please someone help me.

Does anyone else experience this? Like it feels like 1 second after something has happened you question everything. Your intentions especially? Then you can’t remember anything clearly. I can’t tell if my intentions were bad, I had neutral intentions and an intrusive thought came in during it, or I’m making up an excuse for my behavior. Anyone? I feel very frightened.

like should you just say you’ll struggle with ocd? because everytime ive told about my false attraction thoughts, its ruined relationships and friendships so should i just not tell the themes? especially because im a teenager and teenage guys arent very understanding. so do i just not tell the themes. because i also have it with religious stuff, and sexuality? so idk. and confessing is a really bad complusion of mine, so should i just say i have ocd, and have intrusive thoughts or what? please someone help.

A few years ago I was watching porn and stumbled across a very grotesque video. I do not wish to say many contents of the video but included an underage person and a person over the age of 18, it was very inappropriate and boarderline sickening. Just a few days ago my mind jumps back to the time I stumbled across the video and my mind immediately starts jumping to conclusions that I’m pedophile. As well as my mind making up different scenarios that could’ve happened when I saw the video because I don’t remember in full detail of my thoughts looking back at it now. Such as my mind saying i’m a pedophile. Even though i’m not. I know i’m not. I haven’t ever reached out to those kinds of videos voluntarily and I have deleted the browser that I would normally go on for pornography. I’m very lost since and I’m having an internal battle with the myself and my own mind. It has made me feel sick to the stomache just thinking about when I stumbled across that video involuntarily. It has made me feel as though I don’t deserve the love, happiness, and support i’m getting today. Please if anyone has any tips on how to help letting go of past mistakes or moments like such reach out to me. This app has brought me some ease because it doesn’t make the other moments I face struggling with OCD a problem I face by myself. My OCD has ruined my past relationships to the point where I am agreeing to never get into a relationship again. I’m only 17 and I feel completely trapped. Since yesterday marks the second year I was diagnosed with OCD.

OK, this has been something that has been bothering me for a while. Growing up, due to how I grew up and I’m assuming how I was raised, I developed very bad control issues. Especially with my peers. I was very toxic, controlling, and even sometimes manipulative. I remember having this friend who was about two years younger than me, well two grades below me. We met in middle school, and we were friends with the same people. We ended up getting closer and I guess best friends down the line. In the beginning of our friendship, the very beginning, I had made inappropriate sexual flirtatious comments to her, which she did go along with, but obviously she was a little, taken a back by the nature of the comments. I don’t recall anymore those comments continuing throughout the friendship, only stuff like compliments when we would hype each other up on social media. Throughout the beginning of our friendship, I would like to say the first half, these negative behaviors were more prominent. Me and her were in drama a lot, whether it was her being fake to me, me being fake to her, us talking mess about each other, her going behind my back and doing fake stuff, so I do remember being rude to her quite often or sometimes being like do you wanna fight? If I felt that she crossed the boundary. We trusted each other with a lot of our personal business and trauma, confiding in each other. As our friendship went on, these negative behaviors stopped, but obviously, since she is a little bit younger than me, it took her a little longer to mature, so I had to cut her off eventually due to her doing something that actually crossed my boundaries. Looking back on it now, I get scared that I groomed her. I asked ChatGPT, and it said that some of the things I did fall under the criteria of grooming, but I did not directly or intentionally groom her. If I am a groomer, I would like to know. I feel like that is irredeemable. I hope I am explaining all of this. Well, I am not trying to put too much blame on her as I am trying to take accountability for things I did in the friendship.

Hi, I’m struggling so much right now, and I feel like I’m falling apart. My OCD has latched onto intrusive thoughts about pedophilia and other horrible topics, and I can’t escape them. They feel so real sometimes—like my brain is trying to convince me that this is who I am. It’s not just ‘what if’ questions anymore; it feels like affirmations, like my mind is telling me I’m a monster. I keep getting these false memories that I did something horrible in the past, and it makes everything worse. I can’t even trust my own mind anymore. I’m terrified that these thoughts will never stop, and that I’ll somehow end up acting on them, even though deep down, I know that’s not who I am. I’ve also had an enormous addiction to pornography, and I deeply regret everything I’ve watched. The shame and guilt I feel because of that addiction are overwhelming. I can’t help but feel that it’s all connected to the mess in my mind right now, and it makes everything harder to bear. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I spend most of my time hiding under the covers, wishing I could be the person I used to be. I love my family, but I can’t even be around them because I’m so consumed by shame and fear. Sometimes, I have mental scenarios where I imagine admitting to being something horrible, and it completely breaks me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve even stopped going to work because there are children there, and I’m terrified of what my mind might do. On top of this, I have borderline personality disorder, which makes everything even harder to manage. I’m on Effexor (started 75 mg on December 23, now 150 mg), but I feel like I’m losing the strength to wait for it to help. This has been going on non-stop for a month now, and I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel so alone in this, like I’m trapped in my own head. I don’t know how to live with this constant doubt and terror. I just want to feel normal again. Please, if anyone has advice or support, I need help so badly.

Hello! I am experiencing something right now that I was curious about. I experience this a lot with many themes, but I'll share today's example. I was talking with a female coworker and I remember getting the intrusive thought of "what if I kissed her?". This is not something I'd would want to do or do. For many reasons. The most important being I'm a happily married person who adores their wife. She is my best friend, so the idea of ever losing her (especially over doing something to cause it) destroys me. The thought came with instant stabs of anxiety. The thing that gets me hung up (and again I've been experiencing this a lot with many themes over the past year or so) is because I had the intrusive thought, I almost immediately worry "did I actually just DO it?" I then tell myself "you would remember doing that. There would be no doubt" but then I'm like what if I just instantly forgot or didn't realize...what if the thought was it actually happening? So is this what they call "thought action fusion"?. I've heard the term throughout the years but never fully knew what it meant. Is that what this is? I'm sitting with the fear/guilt/shame. I love my wife more than anything in this world so it hurts...but I know I can't engage too much. I'm just curious if this is an example of what they call Thought Action Fusion? Have you ever dealt with something like this?

So, I've gotten to a point where I don't feel overbearing anxiety, but it's still there? The best way to describe it is this "unsettled" feeling in the pit of my stomach at all points of the day. I've also noticed myself "checking" if I still have a fear or reaction towards certain memories of intrusive thoughts I'd had in the past, which I know isn't great, but it kind of just happens automatically. I'm at an odd point in recovery because I don't necessarily feel I'm in major distress over these intrusive thoughts or the memories that have been causing feelings of guilt and shame... I just feel unsettled and a bit annoyed? I'm annoyed that I can't just exist without this like other people can. Like, I wish my brain would move on from this already. I've been doing a lot better compared to a few months ago, but moments where I'm not doing much, I can feel this anxiety begin to creep over me. I'm constantly aware that I'm just a trigger away from being sucked back into that horrible cycle of rumination, reviewing, compulsions, etc... Has anyone had a similar experience? If so, any advice to offer that helped you get through this?

I've found myself writhing on the ground from intrusive thoughts of my past. I have bruises all over from me hitting myself. Every waking moment is a nightmare, I can't do anything. Can't let people be mean. But standing up for myself turns into cruelty. Cruelty turns into a loathing, and then I fear that everyone hates me. I wish I could die, and live again. I don't want to lose my life, but I can't live like this.

(Sorry for the fault english is not my first language) Three months ago my gf left me, and it was my fault (i cheated on her) so i enter in a loop of introspection, I was constantly watching what I was doing I was doing well, even though I was sad I could go to work and continue my studies, to see my family every weekend, I was rather proud But exactly 1 month ago, I started to spin around on a topic and make big panic attacks It happened suddenly, on a Saturday night after work I realized that I was watching pornography that did not correspond at all to my real practices And hell began I spent my days in anguish in bed (sometimes 8 or 10 hours per day), telling myself that I was horrible, that I deserved to die, that if my entourage found out they would hate me. I made an appointment with my therapist who reassured me, but it was not enough for me The next week, I hosted my little brother at home because I found him an internship in my city He stayed for a week, it went pretty well until one night my brain said "what if you were actually attracted to him?" , I didn’t really react and it went pretty fast I thought it would stop there, but on my way to work a few days ago my brain said to me "What if you were attracted to children?" (I work in a bike shop, and I spend a lot of time with kids" It horrified me, I had a feeling that my head was going to explode, I was crying and my colleagues did not understand why I started antidepressant treatment a week ago (Effexor) and I double the dosage today My thoughts are mainly directed at my family, I wondered if I was attracted or in love with almost all members of my family It is also in relation to children and animals Sometimes my thoughts are so present that I have trouble knowing if they are true or false, I can’t concentrate anymore, I don’t go to work and I failed my exams at university I feel sorry for myself, I had a lot of confidence before, I loved spending time with my family, I liked my job, going to university, spending time alone I feel like I would never get away, every day I wonder "Why me", I look at others and I’m jealous, every day I remember how I was before and it makes me sad I wish I was someone else, anyone I shared everything with my mother, she also has psychological problems (chronic depression), so she always listened to me and accompanied me in my steps I was diagnosed with bpd 3 years ago, And she always helped me and loved me It hurts me not to be able to tell her, I love her very much and it drives me mad that my thoughts sometimes get to her Every night I pray to wake up in someone else’s body, or in mine but without my brain And every morning I realize that I have no choice but to live with the hell in my head My life before I miss it so much, and that’s one of the reasons why I stay alive but it’s starting to get too long, and I’m really starting to lose hope and think that the only solution in all this is to die I just want to be normal, why me?

*TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of adult content and suicidal thoughts* I am in pieces right now and I’m struggling to see a way through this nightmare. I’ve never posted on forums before but I see a lot of people sharing similar experiences on here and I feel like I need some advice. So around 4 months ago I was in a bit of a depressive state and I ended up looking at some NSFW content on Reddit, which I now regret more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. I was on a specific page that I’d used a few times in the past, but I found myself spending a much longer session on there than usual- I think because of the stress I was going through at the time, and I wasn’t looking for ANYTHING illegal whatsoever. I can remember scrolling past a few things that I found unpleasant, and I WISH this was the sign that I took to leave the site immediately. However, like an idiot, I continued scrolling through because I hadn’t found anything I liked. As soon as I left the page, I had an awful, awful feeling build up inside of me. The next morning I woke up with the realisation that one of the posts that flashed up had a very ambiguous sounding title and I got that horrible gut-drop feeling. Whilst there wasn’t anything visually alarming, the title that I remembered spoke about “waiting for their mum to get home” and I felt absolutely sick. Even just writing this is making me want to throw up. I started panicking and I even called my mum because I was in shock. Ever since that happened, I have had numerous visits to hospital because of it and I’ve been put on medication. I made a little bit of progress until I was hit with another dreadful realisation that I had seen something else with a worrying title on there in the past, and this time it felt like there were no excuses. I started spiralling into a pit of self-hatred and despair which is where I am currently at now. Even though I knew I just forgot about it, it doesn’t make me feel any different the situation, and I cannot forgive myself no matter how hard I try. I’ve had dozens of health professionals tell me that I haven’t done anything wrong, yet it just feels so catastrophic. I have since reported the subreddit and I haven’t looked at any kind of adult content since, because I personally find it the single most terrifying thing now. I just wish there was a way to settle my uncertainty and make sure that the people in the images were safe, but there is no way to prove that. Things have just got worse and worse and by brain is bringing up all kinds of gross/disturbing things I’ve seen on the internet from years back, and it’s taken over my life at this point. I don’t want to sound narcissistic but I’ve always considered myself to a person with strong morals, and this feels like it’s violated every single one of them. It’s made me feel like I don’t deserve to heal or grow from this and the only thing that is keeping me going is not wanting to upset my family and friends. I’m sorry for the long post, I’m just terrified with what’s happened and I’m starting to lose faith in ever recovering. If anyone has struggled with anything similar and has come out on the other side I’d love to hear how you overcame it because I genuinely cannot see the wood for the trees. Thank you for reading.

Does anyone who has a history with porn ever worry that they have seen inappropriate or even illegal videos without intending to see them? When I was a teenager I remember watching a lot of videos but searched for other people my age for some reason and found both fictional and real videos on normal sites. As an adult, I remember being disgusted by seeing people make playlists of videos having underaged people or them doing normal things but pedos that advantage of this stuff which is so disgusting. When I relapse on porn and strictly try to find perfectly legal things to watch on YouTube, this stuff is still here and it's so gross. When I was s teenager I just didn't think I knew better consequence wise because I was so young and was so focused on the excitement but I remember being 18 and clicking on a playlist out of curiosity because I was hoping it wasn't real I guess or that there would be people strictly against it. When I did it was a creep asking for how young they were and the uploader knew. Through all of this I was filled with anxiety, scared, and just sick. I feel like I'm awful for this because I clicked on it while near the end of watching videos and that's what makes me freak out about it. As an adult I've never searched for anything like that and I hope the false memories saying otherwise aren't true. I really hope not because I have one event that says I was 18 and did it but I think I was 17 or 16 going on 17. Overall I'm trying to quit watching this stuff for good because it's damaged be in many different ways for many years now. It's keeping me from being my best self and even keeping me from pursuing relationships. I just don't want to waste anymore of my time on it. I always tell myself this and I end up going back to it anyway because I just get so overwhelmed with life.

I’ve been dealing with a bad flare up for awhile now. Before that my ocd was dormant for years. I developed ocd as postpartum so my ocd targets my kids and switches back and forth between my son and my daughter. As a mother this has been so debilitating. I went from being a normal mom enjoying time with and raising my kids to this nightmare of constant intrusive thoughts, false emotions, false memories and now even ocd dreams. It’s been so painful and hard to talk about but I know there are other parents out there that suffer with this and I need the support. So my son likes to draw and he’s very good at it. He is into anime and usually draws his favorite male anime characters. Last night he sent me a screenshot of a character he drew and it was a female which surprised me because he usually draws only males. But my ocd kicked in and immediately said that I was upset and jealous that he drew a female. The emotions felt so real even though I know that I don’t feel that way at all. I know that I was just surprised because he usually only draws males but now i’m questioning and doubting my own emotions. I hate that ocd can make thoughts and emotions feel like they are truly your own when they’re not and now i’m so stuck and depressed. My ocd makes me feel like i’m lying to myself. Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you feel your own true emotions again and combat the ocd false emotions?

When I was 16, I was going through a rough patch for sure, I would talk to just about anyone I could. There was this girl who I remember becoming friends with and she was 13 I believe. I don’t remember ever thinking anything of it. I remember talking to her about my ex’s and ranting to her and stuff like that. She would do the same. One day I remember her asking if when she got older if I would date her. And I remember saying no because I don’t like girls like that. I think after that we just continued to be friends. It wasn’t a very long lived thing or anything. My whole problem has been I can’t remember everything. I think to myself what if it was in appropriate I stayed friends with her after she showed interest it me. What if I did something inappropriate I didint mean to do and just didint think anything of it. We were both girls and I treated her like I would a normal girl that’s a friend. I keep thinking what if I sent her inappropriate pictures because at the time I was very insecure and showed off my body a lot often posting mirror pics and such on my stories and sending them to everyone. Basically fishing for compliments. I ended up having her blocked when I went back to look on my old Snapchat. I can’t remember why but I’m assuming it has something to do with me not wanting my ex to see our messages because I would talk badly about him to her. I’m not sure tho and of course that’s triggering as well. Mental rumination is a horrible thing to go through. My boyfriend tells me I’m okay, and that I did nothing wrong and I was just a kid myself even so. I would just hate to be a bad person and unknowingly take advantage of someone in a way I didint realize was possible? If that makes sense. Only thing I can say for sure is I did not mean to be innaproproate I just did not think into it that way of her age and her having a crush on me. She also had a boyfriend during most of it so I don’t think I thought anything of it because of that as well.

So i’ve been slowly coming out of a really bad flare up. The last couple of days I was feeling better and doing good keeping the ocd at bay(usually my ocd targets my kids and i’m really glad that’s not the case) but last night I got a really upsetting intrusive thought about a family member and even though I know it’s just the ocd trying to creep back in, because it felt so real i’m doubting myself and i’m stuck again. Most times when I replay the scene in my mind I can remember clearly what happened and can easily disprove the thought and move on but other times like last night, when I replay the scene it gets fuzzy and then I don’t know what’s real and what’s ocd. I know deep down it’s not me or who I am at all but the ocd is making it feel like it is and I don’t know how to get past this and get back on track. Every time I feel better this happens.

I was doing fine with my schizophrenia ocd (fear of developing schizophrenia/psychosis), mostly because I was obsessing on something else for a bit, but something caused it to come back. I was at work yesterday and checked out a customer, he didn’t know English very well and was very quiet. However, when he was leaving, he said “thank you” loudly while walking out and I told him to have a good night, but since I couldn’t see his face nor his mouth move, I worried that I hallucinated the whole thing and he in reality didn’t say anything while he was leaving. The voice that said it sounded a bit different, however it could’ve just been since I had only heard him talk quietly before. I’m still wondering if I hallucinated this and it freaks me out, causing my ocd to make me believe I’m developing schizophrenia/psychosis or losing my mind again. I also always read that the difference between those with schizophrenia/psychosis is those with OCD have insight and know their thoughts are crazy, but then that leads me down a spiral if what if I DONT think those thoughts are crazy? What if I actually believe them and become delusional/lack insight? So a statement that would be helpful otherwise made it worse for me. One night I had a panic attack super bad because I couldn’t convince myself I didn’t believe I was in a dream and hallucinating. Any advice on beating these constant thoughts and how to cope with it? :/

I want to start off by saying I haven't been formally diagnosed, but it's been a discussion with my psychiatrist. I've been diagnosed with GAD in the past, though, as well as ASD. I've been watching Nathan Peterson's videos on YouTube after I began considering the culprit behind my intrusive thoughts to be OCD, but I'm really struggling to apply his teachings to myself and to hold onto hope that things will get better. The memories, thoughts, and images in my mind seem so vivid and constant. A little over a year ago, none of these things were an issue for me. Now, I feel as if I'll never escape this feeling of constant guilt and shame over things from childhood that I'd forgotten about until recently. How do I stop feeling like my life is over? I'm only 19 years old, but it feels like it's too late for me. I'm going to request a referral to an OCD specialist from my psychiatrist and hopefully find someone in my area who practices ERP. I've considered finding a NOCD therapist, but I'm hesitant. I've never done online therapy. If anyone has any advice, it'd be greatly appreciated. I made a post on here the other day as well, and I don't want to make a habit out of it, but I'm just feeling really lost at the moment. Is recovery possible? What are your personal experiences, if any, with ERP therapy or any techniques you use to combat these thoughts? Thank you! :)

I'm sorry if this post is long, but I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with a similar issue? I'm currently seeking an OCD diagnosis from a psychiatrist, but we're trying out medication right now, so it's sort of a waiting game at the moment. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in the past, but I suspect I might have OCD due to the onset in intrusive thoughts I've been having recently (the past 6-7 months). I've had intrusive thoughts when I was younger and convinced myself I'd harm my family members and grow up to be a serial killer. It was extremely distressing, and I'd cry myself to sleep every night after imagining scenarios where I actually committed those crimes. Although, recently, I've been dealing with thoughts of becoming a p*dophile. It began when I was 18 years old (I'm currently 19 years old). A family member opened up to me about them being assaulted at their daycare, and this led me to get a really horrible image of something like that happening to my little brothers who had just started daycare and elementary school. Then, this spiraled into games my younger sister and I would play with each other when we were younger (I must've been 8 years old), and I had worried I might have done something bad. I confessed this to her, my psychiatrist and both of my parents, and they reassured me I didn't do anything wrong, but the thoughts didn't stop. I began obsessing over every little memory from childhood, and a lot of bad memories resurfaced. As a child, I had unrestricted internet access, as I'm sure a lot of my generation did. This led me to have inappropriate conversations online with adults who knew my age, and later, I went down a rabbit hole of finding inappropriate content on YouTube. For years, these memories rarely crossed my mind or mattered to me until recently. In the process of researching for reassurance, I found out about hypersexuality. I'm afraid that those things I engaged in as a child might've caused all of this? I'm not even positive if I'm hypersexual, but one of the symptoms was paraphilia, and I freaked out. What if what I thought was POCD is actually hypersexuality, and I'm going to give into these intrusive thoughts/urges... I try to tell myself that if it's causing me this much distress, that won't happen, but then my mind tells me there's always a possibility, and maybe I'm just in denial about it all? What if these intrusive thoughts make me become a horrible person? It's such an isolating experience. I'm sorry for the long post, but advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm wondering if people have had similar experiences and, if so, how have you dealt with these thoughts? Thank you🥲