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Does anyone here with harm OCD feel responsible for everything? Like future events and commitments? Like it's a burden?

A few months ago, I was diagnosed with OCD. I’m not sure what changed, or flipped inside of me, but suddenly everything I was eating became scary. I would spend days not drinking water, or trying to force down at least some crackers and beef broth so I didn’t get sick. I have a fear of anaphylaxis, even with never being exposed to something I’m deathly allergic to. I don’t even have any allergies that I know of that give me hives or any type of reaction. I would feel my throat tightening, and my throat would turn red because I would scratch at it, and I could feel a tightening in my chest even with stuff I’d eaten my whole life. I was/am terrified of high allergy foods (shellfish, peanuts, tree nuts, etc) but I’ve recently began to try things again. I can eat almonds again without nearly passing out in a panic. Does this happen to anyone else? I feel like I’m the only one this happens to. It makes me feel completely weird, and it confuses other people.

I don’t even know what to think or do anymore. I just think my fears are true and I’m in denial about it. I’ve been struggling with school and motivation for awhile now. My parents and family are amazing and have been paying for my education and I keep messing up. I am super lazy and I miss lectures, and I keep always telling myself I’m going to do better and end up barely passing at the end of the semester. I know we aren’t our thoughts but we are our actions and I feel like I choose to live content with being a burden and selfish. The fact that I choose to listen to the thoughts in my head and do compulsions shows that I really don’t care about being better because if I did I would just do it. I always keep thinking at this point that the morals that I had before OCD 3 years ago are gone. I keep questioning if I am not acting on the thoughts because that is my values and who I am or if I am just not acting on them because of luck. I don’t know if I am not acting on them because of how I feel rather than how acting on them would harm others. I am just so weak, and I don’t know if I deserve to live the rest of my life. And I feel so fucking guilty for saying this but there are times where I think about all of this and it doesn’t motivate me to change at all and I just can’t stand myself for that. I just feel like a sociopath who is constantly whining and complaining and screwing up. I used to feel like I did compulsions because I cared about protecting people and now I just think my compulsions are centered around my own selfishness and anxiety. It’s like there are times where I’m not trying to prevent myself from doing something wrong or trying to make sure that I don’t have bad intentions which is so messed up with the thoughts that I have.

I know i posted alot in the past 24 hours, but i didnt got any replies to those posts, and now this is like an update to those so i can share what i experienced, maybe i help others and maybe others who went through this can give me advice. I realized my interpretation is really bad and videos sometimes harms that cause everywhere you hear working on your deep problems, maybe a trauma is there or youre depressed, another mental health problem and i was afraid od this years that im depressed, i have trauma or something, im actually suicidal, i could go there to be the same mindset as a suicidal person and in conclusion, im not different thab others, i can have the same problem, and this is a huge fear for me. Usually i use as a reassurance that im not like that, everyone is different, but it doesnt help cause i do realize i just say it to not be afraid of it. Which discribes my whole problem. Im afraid to experience emotions or certain thoughts cause in that deep pain or struggling i will think that its me, im that person, if i experience a hopeless thought or i want to escape from pain and even die, in that moment i will see it as this is me, and trying to see them as just thoughts it would be hard and what always happens is that i feel like if i say its not me i do it to avoid it. Its basic ocd but you know that feeling, what if im really avoiding accepting it cause im afraid to say its a real problem and i dont want to see myself as a person having that problem. So my interpretation of thoughts and emotions is really bad...when i experience a really bad emotion or thought i think "its because maybe im depressed, i have trauma, or i do believe that im actually suicidal or i can become that" and im just spinning and cant deal with the real problem. Sometimes im even afraid to say theres a real problem cause i start to panic. I noticed im afraid to experience a difficult experience, and i thought its because i get hopeless and then i think im suicidal, but its not hopelessness is what i feel, its actually panic, im panicking cause my mind says "this situation might be hopeless, i dont want to feel hopeless, we need to find the solution quick" and the same time im struggling accepting if i have to accept that i feel hopeless or not... its totally broke(my interpretation of things). I easily get lost by these thoughts that what i experience is because im avoiding depression, im avoiding a trauma and this is how it gets outside, or that im actually suicidal but i just use fake positivity by thinking its ocd and not me, and when i have a problem its because i dont work on these, i avoid them, i say its ocd when its not. It will be hard work to change these, expecially that i still feel like if i dont accept these as real problems im still avoiding them. Im still afraid of experiencing strong emotions and thoughts cause i still get lost in them and i misinterpet whats the real problem, and i think the real problem is that i didnt learned how to handle thoughts and emotions, thats why i believe those that are strong, like strong nevative ones.

Just now I was thinking of all the times I was at my sisters kindergarten and after proving that I haven’t done anything inappropriate there I suddenly remembered when in November there also was some event there and I had to walk somewhere different to go to the toilet. And now my brain keeps bothering me with the thought „what if you graped sb on the way there and forgot?“ and like, this is abt last November. And I know for 100000% sure I hadn’t. I remember my entire way there, I even remember details abt people being around some water fountain and lighting candles. Like I remember everything. And there were people all around me too. I remember using my phone after using the toilet too. And I remember I was also going for a walk and my brain keeps being like „but what if I graped somebody on the way there?“ and like, I remember almost the entire walk I went on. I also remember seeing two people and an old couple talking and listening to music. It doesn’t make any sense and ik I’d def remember if I had actually graped somebody but my brain won’t leave me alone I just can’t keep false memory ocd up I hate it all so much. Whenever I’m like „I gotta stop thinking abt it, I KNOW I didn’t do anything.“ my brain goes like „but what if I’m risking the change of it being true in the end? And am ignoring it?“ but I KNOWWW it’s not true 😭 But the thought keeps bothering

Does anyone have coping skills for being stuck in a loop with suicidal thoughts. I'm really struggling and I just went to get out of this loop I don't know why this is happening and it's like constant and I think "omg what if I do because I'm thinking it" please help.

Does anyone ever see very triggering stories on the news of something terrible and somehow your mind tricks you into thinking that you are also capable of those acts? I know I would NEVER but somehow my mind groups me into that category and it’s so scary and triggering. I wish I could just let these thoughts pass by but it’s almost like I’m constantly trying to prove that I’m a bad person. I’m sad and tired of this 😭

I’m really struggling these past couple days. I had a thought like “what if my anxiety turn into happiness? Or what if this isn’t anxiety what I’m feeling? Like whose to say what anxiety is? What if this feeling I’m having towards harmful intrusive thoughts is happiness, thus meaning I like the thoughts or want to act?” Idk I feel really deep in the rabbit hole. Like I’ve thought myself to no return. Constantly checking and thinking about my feelings. I’m numb. Can’t remember coping skills. I feel very confused. I’m having obvious distress and anxiety but I keep thinking what if I think that’s a good feeling or happy feeling? Because like my brain is all twisted up. Idk. It doesn’t make sense

I feel so down right now for no reason and I feel guilty feeling bad about my well-being because some peace are dealing with wars and cancer and my pain isn't half or real compared to their pain but I can't take it anymore and I feel uncomfortable going to therapy and my family is broken my dad is abusive and mom and brothers don't really care I don't have any friends that they could help but OCD getting me crazy by signs I think I am seeing and I can't get help cuz my ocd tells me if I find happiness something bad may happen to my family so this is why I can't find a solution sorry for the long post I just feel so lonely right now I just want to fade away

I can't.I even can't post my story. I am 15 years old suffering from OCD. It just feels so bad, so bad. From trying to get hurt by banging my head in the wall, I just feel things are not okay with me. I am a student. I want someone to get in contact with me - someone to understand my story and support me. I hope it reaches the correct audience, someone who can get in touch. Thank you so much.

I’m moving from a group art studio into my own space tomorrow and I can’t sleep. I feel like I’m going to throw up from anxiety and I’m crying because I feel like I’m going to fail before I get started. My friends are excited to help but it feels like I’m taking advantage of them. Everyone wants to see me win but it feels like I don’t deserve it. I feel selfish. I have harm OCD and I’m really struggling with keeping my violent thoughts under control so I can try to sleep so I can be on time tomorrow. I don’t want to ruin the day tomorrow by not waking up on time. It feels like I can’t breathe.

i am really really struggling. recently people haven't been answering me on here and i feel insane. i am at 150 mg of sertraline and i technically feel better but it's freaking me out. im scared because my obsessions are lessened so does that mean i don't care anymore?!? im really scared of going insane, cheating, being a bad person. the obsessions of these ideas are causing me to actually get upset outwardly which makes it seem even more real. i also have been thinking i may have bpd and that's consuming and im scared and idk why. please help me please

I have had what I think is Harm OCD since the age of 10. My mom didn’t understand when I told her “I feel like I might kill someone” which ultimately led to me suffering in silence until the age of 20 where I was just diagnosed with GAD. Since being on Zoloft for over 10 years I did relatively well. I would have small flair ups, but was able to pull myself out of it. Now, since having my second child, I have completely relapse and I struggle almost daily. I was weaned off of Zoloft and put on Lexapro. Which seemed to work and now I’m back to square one. TL;DR My thought is that I would choke my children. It sometimes almost feels like and urge (my hands feel weird). This is the last think I ever want to do and it causes me distress to the point of panic. TW: Sucide. Sometimes I think it’s better if I’m just not here because I wouldn’t be a danger to my children. I often think about movies like shutter island and think I am like that mother. Or real some real like mother that drown her children that I saw on the news when I was a kid. It has also turned into Psychosis OCD at times where I am so afraid I am developing psychosis and that I would hurt my kids from that. Which comes with its whole own set of “rules” and fears. I’m just trying to find some confirmation that this is actually ocd or if I have something else. I’m just struggling. Thanks for reading.

Does anyone else think of the worst case scenario with everything? The smallest thing, like someone is late, you think maybe they've crashed their car. Or for example my friend told me today that she's having abdominal pains and is going for an ultra sound, and I'm immediately thinking what if it's cancer. I do this with myself and most people around me, it's worse some times than others.

I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with OCD that revolves around food? For instance I’ve had an eating disorder from OCD for about 2 years now. I’m scared to eat food I’ve always eaten due to the fear of an allergic reaction. I also have a fear of my food being poisoned or laced with drugs. It makes it very hard for me to eat at times because I’ll have the symptoms of anxiety where my throat feels tight as if I can’t swallow or I’ll feel really panicked after I eat a fear food. Logically I know I’m not allergic to many of the foods I’ve ditched. It’s like my OCD clings to the fact others have allergies to things like peanuts & other foods. I used to be able to eat foods just fine and I love food! I just have so much fear of not having control once I’ve consumed something and that what if thought pops in. I believe all this stemmed from me trying an edible and it being one of the worst experiences ever. Felt like I was spiraling and not in control of anything. I even deal with extreme derealization/depersonalization and it feels so similar to the bad high. & I just get scared someone will lace my food just for the fun of it. So now when I eat I get scared even though logically I know my food is just food and I need it!! I’m doing much better than before, I eat even when I feel anxious too. I had stopped eating and drinking water due to my ocd tricking me (didn’t know I had ocd at the time, I thought my negative impulse fear based thoughts were intuition but they weren’t) and ended up in the hospital. I still have many fear foods that are actually very healthy that I need to start eating again. I am suffering from low iron due to not eating correctly from this fear. I’m on a iron supplement though and I’m eating better than I was. I’m just wondering if anyone else has or is dealing with similar?

My relationship OCD has been bad lately I actually feel like it’s starting to cause problems in my relationship. I constantly think something bad is going to happen with the relationship or him. Like when he’s driving I’m terrified we’re going to get in a crash and him die and me have to be without him. I worry all the time he’s going to leave me. It’s an obsession. I find myself trying to be PERFECT and that’s just not possible. I feel like he’s constantly mad at me when he’s not. We have a good relationship. We have our moments but everyone does. I don’t have issues with him cheating but I always am TERRIFIED about it. I’m scared of him dying, or leaving me. Is this something common with OCD or is this something else?

My beloved cat of 6 years is extremely sick, i adopted him when i was in the army and hes always helped me get through my PTSD. After about 1K in vet bills the vet said he likely will not survive this week, and i should consider euthanasia as its most likely advanced pneumonia or heart disease. Hes a indoor only cat and when i was trying to feed him his tooth scratched me and i got a tiny cut. Now my OCD is trying to convince me i somehow got rabies on top of it already going crazy and mourning my cat even though hes still fighting and not yet gone. I feel awful that now im scared to continue caring for him because now im scared of being near him

Is it normal to have a lot more intrusive thoughts when you’re stressed and irritated? I noticed that I have a lot more harm thoughts against people when I am annoyed and they feel so real in these moments and I scare myself

Anyone else scared to stop compulsions incase the thoughts come true? This is why I’m reluctant to do ERP 🙈!

How were you able to finally take the risk that you could be a horrible human being or could have done horrible things? How were you able to do it? That’s where I am struggling. I totally get the concept of a thought is a thought and it’s not dangerous. But if what I fear is true, it would be horrendous and I’m so scared to let go. I’m so scared to take the chance that I could be a monster. So if you have any advice for how you were able to let go and take the risk, I would love to hear it. Each time I try, I just get more scared and revert back.