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sometimes i ruminate without realizing i'm even ruminating until it's too late and the thoughts have already taken hold of me. how do i fix this? i feel like i have become my disorder. i'm so lost

I can’t bear myself anymore, I can’t seem to know if it’s ROCD or if I’m falling out of love!! I love her. But that triggered something. Do i really love her as I said ? Isn’t this a lie ? Why don’t I feel anything ? And why did I feel more fear and anxiety trying to imagine myself saying it to her in real life ? My brain keeps sending solutions to me, or directing me to other problems I might have (depression, which could explain why i don’t feel excited for anything ; trauma and new healthy relationship, i don’t know how to act…) But it feels like an urge. I need to find out if I truly love her of if i don’t, it’s respect. I don’t want her to believe everything’s fine if in reality i don’t truly love her, BUT I DO CARE AND LOVE HER. It’s all nonsense but I don’t wanna quit. We’re in a long distance relationship, maybe that could play its role too.

(M, 15) Please help, I can't remember what's real anymore I've been especially fixated on my memories as of lately, trying to dig to find signs of whether or not I identify with my birth assigned gender or am transgender. but here's the catch, I *am* transgender. I'm a trans male, and got fixated on my gender identity not long ago. I've dug down so far into memories that I can't even really remember what I was searching for. I'm so lost and dazed the fuck out. I'm trying to remember if I was experiencing real dysphoria or if I just convinced myself that was the problem, and desperately trying to remember what made me question in the very first place. no matter what I do I just cannot access that damned memory and it's driving me insane I can hardly even remember what got me spiraling into *this* in the first place. All I know is that I dearly miss being a boy. I miss the joy and the euphoria, and the future, and i'm fucking heartbroken seeing it be ripped away. I try to fantasize about my future like I once did and it always gets interrupted by a forced image of myself as a woman, or misgendering, or just saying horrible transphobic things for no reason. I want so badly to be back to normal, it's gotten so real that I don't even know what I am deep down anymore. I'm scared that i'm turning into a transphobic TERF, I keep misgendering my trans friends in my head and it makes me want to pound my head on a wall until the thoughts fall out through my ears. I'm scared, I don't know if it's truly OCD anymore, the thoughts started ego-dystonic feeling but now they don't feel that way. or at least I remember them feeling ego dystonic I've also lost my attraction to men after reading another trans person's post with Cis OCD they said they were worried that they're just a butch lesbian who desperately wants to be trans and since then I've begun to feel that way more and more, and it's scaring me. was I ever attracted to men? was I faking that attraction? did I lose it? did I know what 'attraction' really means? I don't know what feelings are real anymore, can OCD feelings become so real that you actually start to feel like you *want* the worst case scenario? I hate it, I've had to stop testosterone in fear that I'm making a mistake, it makes me so upset. None of it makes sense. if I was cis why wouldn't I just start using my deadname and pronouns? what's stopping me? I text hotlines almost every day and I would have no repercussions using my deadname, I felt like I wanted to but I don't, if that makes sense. Another thing, I can't say my deadname outloud, I don't know why, but I feel like if I do something bad will happen, like i'll be more likely to be cis if I say it. I don't want to be forced out of the trans community, I love my community and I love myself as a trans boy, I feel so upset and alienated. are there any other trans people here that can help me? please, I need help, so bad. someone who knows the struggle. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore, I don't want to give up this life, I don't care if being cis would be easier, I've let go of my desire to be a cis boy, a cis anything. I'm proud to be transgender, and yet I'm scared that it's not my place to say that anymore.

I'm starting to stop believing that what I'm experiencing is OCD, the symptoms *used* to line up perfectly, but now I feel like it's just gotten to be too real to be OCD anymore. What made me believe this was OCD in the first place is the sudden switch in fixation, before my current fixation, I had POCD, I can't remember when it switched, but it just did, and I stopped worrying over being a predator. I get residual worry sometimes, but that's just from the trauma of going through that. My OCD switched from POCD to TOCD, and honestly I have to say TOCD somehow feels worse. at first it was clear that it was OCD, it all checked out. The sudden obsession, the doubting no matter which way I decided, the checking, putting on feminine clothes and even doing half of my face with makeup, and hating it, as a test. I went back and forth, day in day out, day in day out, over and over again. I found a video on Trans OCD, and it helped, a ton. so much so that I started watching it over and over again, and now it doesn't help. It started getting worse and worse as time grew on, the more I researched the both better and worse I felt. Say you had a list of 7 symptoms, if I were to fit five, but not fit two, I would disregard the other five symptoms I do fit in favor of the two I do not fit. It was, and is, a constant run around. I started seeking reassurance from my family, close friends, my therapist, and that's when it was made so much worse. they would always say the wrong thing that would get me spiraling. my memory has gotten extremely hazy, even though these events were not long ago, but I remember that I was researching constantly, re-reading the same resources and watching the same videos on OCD, as of right now, I have yet to clear my tabs, I have 24 tabs open dedicated to OCD or dedicated to a compulsion involving OCD. each of these resources having been viewed by me an incredibly frequent amount of times. Back around this time I was reacting differently to it, I guess it was either not as bad, or I wasn't aware of how far down it all goes. I would ruminate, have really bad dips, research/reread/rewatch, come back up, be confident that it was OCD, try to start ERP on my own, start doubting again, ruminating again, cycle continues. I remember the night it all got worse, I just finished chatting with a hotline, it's become a routine at this point, I felt great, I felt euphoric, like myself again, and then, feeling like I could take on the world i made the biggest mistake of my fucking life, I tried to do an *extreme* exposure to my fear, I was a fucking idiot. I watched the video, and the person's experiences resonated with me almost to the word. I wish that fucking video and that person didn't exist. I was paralyzed, and ever since I haven't been able to get that stupid fucking video out of my head, I started trying to research again, desperately, I started calling hotlines more often, I snapped and started bathing compulsively again. It only for worse from there, now, TOCD is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last I think of at night. I spend every hour of my day ruminating, landing on an answer that doesn't stick for long. It's become harder and harder to see myself as a man anymore, and that both frightens and saddens me. As time goes on the fear has started to make more and more sense and I don't truly see it as irrational anymore. People keep mentioning that you "know" deep down what you are and you know that it's OCD, but I don't. not anymore. I don't know if it's still OCD or if it was OCD in the first place. I'm physically unable to imagine myself as male anymore, my brain won't let me, it keeps budding in forcing me to imagine myself female, and even worse it feels like I like it. it feels like i've developed dysphoria and it hurts, I limit speaking because i'm afraid that if I dislike my voice it 'proves' something, I avoid mirrors, I've began to feel uncomfortable with my facial hair despite having used to love it. I can't hear my name and I hate when people say it, it starts the rumination up again and I hate that I feel suddenly uncomfortable with it. I even impulsively bought a wig that i've since thrown in my closet, too scared to even look at it. I bought it to check, but I've stopped checking, in fear that if I do it will make me more likely to be a woman. I've lost the desire to check and instead have become afraid of it and have started avoiding things that would require me to check. The worst part is that at one point I just broke, it was a particularly bad night for OCD, I broke under the pressure and accepted it, and I felt at ease, happy maybe, I can't remember all too well. I'm terrified that that moment wasn't me breaking but me coming out of denial, and now being back in denial. I've been trying to read back into memories and trying to remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling, and every time I come across a memory I can't remember all too well I lose my fucking mind. I can't tell if it's OCD anymore, or if it was ever, what if I faked my symptoms to convince myself I had OCD and just don't remember? I'm on medication, but I don't know if it's helping, I almost hate when i'm at peace because when I'm ruminating I at least know it still might be OCD. it's gotten to the point where I really don't even want to be at peace or happy anymore, I *want* to be in distress because at least then it still feels like it can be OCD. I don't know, nothing makes sense anymore. does this still sound like OCD or am I just fooling myself?

I feel like I'm harboring a horrible secret, or that I'm a monster, because of my OCD & I'm struggling a lot to let myself make friends and have deeper connections with others because of it. I know it's OCD, and I would never feel like other sufferers' are their fears - but when it comes to me, I just can't disconnect my intrusive thoughts with the idea that they mean something about me as a person. There's someone I'm starting to like, in a serious way I think, but it gives me so much anxiety to let him get closer to me or consider things becoming romantic in the future. And I hate it, because I know that if I didn't have OCD I'd be overjoyed with how much he seems to enjoy my presence - but I feel like a liar, like by not telling him all of my intrusive thoughts I'm hiding my "true self." I know that it's an OCD thought, and I need to not engage with it, but it's hard. I don't want people to care about me just for me to end up being the monster my OCD warns me I am. I can't afford therapy - so any responses are welcome, tips & tricks or just comfort that I can get through it. 🥲

Hi guys, I’m Ali, 23, bisexual with preferences for men. My rocd (which feels unfathomably hard to handle) has taken on a new face this time with obsessions about me not actually being bisexual but just a lesbian who’s been lying to themselves. It’s really distressing. I’m deeply confused about what’s real and what’s not and finally dipping my toe into ocd treatment after suspicion of it for 2 years is a shock to my system. I’m in love with my partner who is an incredible man but the fear is starting to overshadow my joy so something needs to change. The last time I’ve been in as a bad of an emotional rut with this was two years ago. Is anyone else really bothered about the lack of bisexual experience being documented in this particular field? There’s so much to unpack. I’m scared I’m going to lose someone who is actually good for me. I’m trying to ask for reassurance in a way that’s not gonna set me back, but damn will I ever get better?

i’m starting to believe recovery from real event isn’t possible. many peoples real events are blown out of proportion over small things they’ve done but mine is genuinely something bad and wrong and immoral that i regret deeply and would never do again and i do not know how to live with myself bc i feel like not confessing and just sitting with this is me avoiding accountability i also feel as if the person attached to my event, who i have a close relationship with, i feel as if i am manipulating him and not giving him the moral authority to decide whether or not i should be in his life bc of what i have done any advice would be great. this just feels unbearable

hi everyone..I recently self diagnosed w ROCD (doing a professional assessment this week). I’ve been reading a TON about it and using this app which is so helpful, and I’m starting to understand like, the importance of not trying to seek reassurance or whatever etc etc. the thing is, in a way, I feel like my partner simultaneously is a trigger for me (in that I am so fearful that when I see them, I might have acknowledge a “flaw” of theirs and then I spiral into guilt/anxiety/etc) but at the same time; I feel like they’re also..reassurance for me? like we’re taking space this week because of my ROCD (this is the first time we’ve experienced this from me, and it’s really hard for her) but I’ve been pretty much having intense waves of anxiety on my own too, like every day. Throughout the day, and when I wake up. I am doing my best to now just sit w the anxiety — it’s incredible physically painful and overwhelming, but I’m trying. But the thing is, I’m scared that if I feel this anxiety while next to my partner, I will act weird or overshare (a compulsion)?** But at the same time..I also feel like I miss her SO much and WANT to see her so badly, and it’s hard to tell if it’s because I simply want to see her / want to experience good moments w her (which we had so many of before ROCD onset) or if it’s bc I want to see her to like reassure myself that I DONT care about her “flaws”. But since I read we shouldn’t ever seek “reassurance”..does this mean I’m not allowed to want to be with her? Or want to see her? I genuinely love this girl so much and before ROCD onset I wanted to see her a lot anyway, but now I’m like, oh..is this bad? But then AVOIDING seeing her seems like “avoidance” which is bad too. So I’m not really sure. I just want to get back to before all this…I want to give myself permission to love her the way I do, without feeling like I’m doing something wrong in terms of “treating” my ocd. Any thoughts welcome, thank you so much for reading — ** (On a side note: for people who get waves of anxiety or spikes of ocd when they’re physically w their partner, how do you handle it? Do you just try to breathe through it but act “normal”? Or do you over share? Or take space?) Thank you all, so grateful for this community. <3

I haven’t been diagnosed but reading about SOCD changed my perspective on myself, and helped me realize my current theme struggle. I know self diagnosis can be frowned upon, but it’s just so obvious and helped me come to terms with the current theme I’m running with but that’s beside the point. I realized I was gay when I was 16. This was such a stressful event for me and triggered an at least 1.5 year shut down. When I finally came out at 19, there was a big relief but something else changed. I started to think, what if I’m actually not and I just lied to everyone and made the biggest mistake of my life? From then on until last year when I was 25, I was completely obsessed with analyzing my sexuality. I would talk out loud to myself for hours a day comparing the attractions I felt (or didn’t feel) and reassure myself I am in fact gay. I would convince myself that to be gay, I have to be attracted to pretty much any man. I would force myself to view any man who entered my life in a sexual or romantic way otherwise this can’t be true. Any time I made a friend who was a woman, I would have obsessive thoughts about “what if I’m in love with them” and fear I was lying about my sexuality to get closer to women. I would compulsively find character flaws in these women and end up ruining my friendships because it was better than the prospect that I was taking advantage of them in some way. I would constantly obsess over the “odds” of being gay and why was I “chosen”, and think I must be bi or straight. I would also fixate on the aspects of my personality, appearance, voice, mannerisms etc to appear “gayer” and this made it even worse and really made me feel like I was faking it all. I rationalized it the entire time as a case of extreme internalized homophobia. But looking back it wasn’t at all; I was afraid that I wasn’t gay, not that I wanted to be straight or bi. So what helped? I really broke down my fears and why this was bugging me so much. What was I so afraid of if I was actually bi or straight? What would happen if I had to “come out” again and how would that affect my life or others? I realized that all my trauma from it stemmed from the original event of not fully knowing myself, and feeling as though I faked who I was for 16 years. The lack of certainty was intolerable (which is why I think this is such a prevalent OCD theme). There’s no certainty for anyone in this matter. Furthermore, I already had this same event happen. My family and friends perception of me had changed already from coming out at 19, and they were still in my life. No one felt lied to or taken advantage of. If I had to “come out” again, there would be confusion amongst people around me, but ultimately I would be okay and move on. Basically, my “biggest fear” had already happened, and I was still alive and still supported, so there’s no use in fearing it Since that time, my attraction to men has felt so genuine and my brain doesn’t even look at women in a sexual or romantic way 99.9% of the time. In that area, I’m completely comfortable and anxiety free. Intrusive thoughts occasionally happen, but it’s easy to write it off. I’m not cured of OCD by any means. I’ve moved on to a different theme that’s equally debilitating. But this theme I am done with, and wanted to share in hopes that any sentiment here could start a path of recovery for anyone struggling with this theme as those six years were the most stressful of my life and I felt so alone/without support. The one thing certain about sexuality is that no one can be 100% certain, and being uncertain in this area is a universal experience, and does not suggest that you are lying or taking advantage of others just because you have some random thoughts that don’t match with how you identify yourself

my partner threatens my ocd when they get mad at me like ive been terrible so iI get it but they threaten to lick door knobs and lick toilet seats and it scares me so much i feel terror ive never felt before ive been violent when im in an episode so i feel like i can’t talk but i sob and beg for them to pls tell me what was touched so i can process and know how bad it was and they say no they won’t tell me / “if you make one more sound im going to lick my shoe” like theyve just gone it and now got in bed and they said they rlly didn’t touch anything but idk for sure so im freaking out like i am on fire im so terrified idk what to do i srsly want to kms