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Does anyone else experience memory hoarding OCD? I feel like I’m the only one.

I'm 37, been diagnosed with depression and anxiety since I was 16. I've thought for a few years now that I may have some ocd tendencies. But I feel like they are getting worse. I clean, every single day. I have to vacuum 2-3 times a day or I cannot relax. I have to vacuum every morning, or I can't concentrate on work, I vacuum later in the day, then again before bed to help me relax. I can't skip a day...if I do it nags at me. I'm also a perfectionist?!? I get highly irritated if things are out of order, or my house is chaotic. Sit on the furniture wrong and squash my pillow? My anxiety or irritation spikes until the person gets up and I can go fix that space. I also obsess over things, and seek answers/validation from others. When I tried leaving my job for another, I talked to anyone that would listen. Obsessing for weeks and weeks wondering if I was making the right choice, looking for someone to answer me. I could NOT think of anything else. I'm assuming this is ruminating? Now, most recently, I've been having awful intrusive thoughts. Every single night. Mostly about loved ones dying, and how will I go on. I work myself up, have anxiety attacks and cry. ...this makes sense as to why I feel the need to constantly clean or be doing something, so I don't have to think these thoughts. In my head if I can just make it to morning, nothing bad will happen during the day. I'm ferried my phone will go off at night with bad news. It's making it hard to sleep, I don't want to relax because my mind drifts to these intrusive thoughts. I don't know...no one had diagnosed me, but I feel like some signs are there. I feel like I'm slowly going crazy...and I'm so very tired of it.

So I’m 26 years old and for some reason my mom doesn’t treat me like I’m really worth a conversation. Let me explain the last 24 hours to give you all a better idea, Last night I was sitting in my living room with her and I was in there for over an hour trying to make conversation with her and she blatantly ignored me. To the point where I was like what’s this tv show your watching about ( mind you I don’t have any internet in the show ) And she completely ignores me. Then she starts talking to the tv cause the main character pissed her off and she yelled at the tv screen soI just walked away, And she was like why are you leaving and I just went to my room and maybe like an hour later she comes in my room and lays with my dog but my head was spinning ( currently weaning off my antidepressants )and I told her can you please leave I need to lay down I feel like I’m gonna pass out And she was like no and I said please get out of my bed I’m lightheaded and she says no. Then she’s like “oh well if your gonna make a face then so am I” (Playing the victim) Then today I asked her to wake up my dad for me so I could call him and talk on the phone about something and she refused to wake him up for me and told me to basically Handel it on my own So I couldn’t get in contact with my dad until 2 pm today cause he forgot to turn his phone on. Then earlier my head was spinning and I was nauseous and she calls me into her room and I was like yeah? and she’s telling me her stomach hurts. I’m like ok and I leave like she wants to make it known she doesn’t feel well either ( she always does that ) Oh I almost forgot, Yesterday she was telling me all day she wants the hair vitamins I’m currently on , So I was placing an order on Amazon and I figured let me ask her if she wants the vitamins and I text her but she doesn’t respond and I keep texting her and get no response. Finally I check my living room camera and see her scrolling on her phone intentionally ignoring me , So I asked her through the camera microphones if she wants the vitamins and she barley gives me an answer and proceeds to ignore me again Finally tonight my head wouldn’t stop spinning and I figured maybe if I eat something it’ll stop so I go in my kitchen and there’s nothing like nothing at all and I went to her and was like mom why don’t we have anything like I wish we at least had crackers my heads spinning really bad and she tells me to Go to the store and buy it myself and I tell her I can’t my heads spinning And she comes in my room with this condescending smile and goes “ you have a job you have money get it yourself “ When she left my room I just silently cried Like why are you so cruel? It just hurts me more because she’s not like this with my older sister at all and my mothers told me before she has a very special connection with my sister cause she’s her first born. Just a crappy feeling when even your mother doesn’t think your really worthy of her time or conversation.

I’ve been trying to experience my anxiety rather than pushing it away. But I feel like it resets at the start of the day. Like everytime I wake up I go through it again, with the same intensity. I’m back with my old therapist, I dropped her because I wasn’t able to afford it for a while. I don’t know how long this will take, but everyday it’s the same intensity, I feel discouraged when this is the case. What if I can experience it much longer? Like I can feel super anxious for long periods of time? I remember, 2 years ago, I was constantly worried for 1.5-2 months straight. Without a break. I’m scared I will go back to that place.

My last ERP therapist was aggressive. Not sure if it’s supposed to be that way but I always felt worse after our sessions. Is that suppose to happen? Can ERP not work for everyone?

learning about ocd and specifically pure o has made me think that maybe, just maybe, i’m not crazy

Yesterday I posted on here that I got extremely anxious and scared because I read someone on here say they purposely thought about the intrusive thoughts and actually enjoyed them. I started panicking a ton. But soon later my post was flagged because it sounded like I was asking for reassurance. That kinda upset me. Because I know reassurance is bad but I was really spiraling. And all I really needed was for someone to say like hey it’s okay to panic but you can’t allow it to control you. I was doing a bit better until reading that. So for anyone who has become convinced they’re a bad person, how do you not lose you hope and get out of that mindset. Because as soon as I become convinced I then lose my hope and feel like my only option is suicide. I’m not asking for reassurance. Just some advice and to know if anyone can relate.

Hey everyone! I'm new to this community, but I thought I'd share some thoughts about acceptance and ownership when it comes to physical compulsions. I'd love to hear your thoughts, so feel free to reply. Also, this is not mental health advice and is not the right perspective for everyone – I found it helpful in my journey, but it goes without saying that this approach is by no means the correct or best one, and different things will work for different people :) Finally, this perspective is focused on physical compulsions and won't make sense for mental ones. I used to say things like "OCD made me check it," or "OCD is being loud," or "my OCD is really bad today." These are totally understandable phrases and there's nothing wrong with them, and it often feels like OCD is controlling our behaviour. This is one of the hardest parts of the disorder. But I realised that speaking about OCD in this way makes it sound like an illness or ailment that you possess – something that is external to yourself that is influencing or controlling your behaviour. I found that the more I blamed OCD for my behaviour, however, the more I started to give up. "OCD made me do that," I would say, feeling sorry for myself. I would pass the responsibility onto the disorder, not accepting it for myself. Whilst it's true that neural pathways and chemical imbalances are to blame for much of our OCD suffering, it is *also* very, very importantly true, that *you are still in control.* Even when it feels like you aren't, you can still make the choice to walk away, stop, or do whatever it is that you want to do. (Critically, this is not the case for mental compulsions, rituals, rumination, and the like. This only really applies to checking and other physical compulsions. If you suffer from mental compulsions, it is absolutely true that you can't control your thoughts, so don't blame yourself for what pops into your head - it doesn't represent you! It's just noisy brain activity in a brain evolved to protect us from any possible threat, so it can go into overdrive sometimes and start throwing things at us that don't really make sense). When I blamed my OCD for my behaviour, I gave it control. I said, "OCD made me do it," and I became blameless. Blamelessness is nice, but it also equals powerlessness. If I wanted to change my behaviour, I would have to own it - I needed to recognise that, in truth, OCD didn't make me do it. I did. The only way to change my behaviour was to accept responsibility for it and acknowledge that I made the choice to do it. And the flip side to this somewhat dismaying revelation is that, if I made the choice to do it, I could also have made the choice *not* to do it. So next time you feel like blaming your OCD for your suffering or for a physical compulsion, you might want to gently remind yourself of two things: Firstly, that you *are* choosing to do this. BUT. Because you are choosing to do this, you also have the power to choose *not* to do this. OCD is not controlling you. If you can take responsibility for your compulsions, you might find that you have power over them, instead of the other way around! :) Have a lovely day!

I'm pretty sure my 6y.o child has ocd. She often ruminates on subjects like me or her dad dying, and the end of the world. Late last night as she cried, she asked me, "Will I have a different family at the end of the world?" She's also dealt with depression (in winter), and she "spaces out" during times like this, which I think must be her dissociating. This all started at...I think almost 5. ☹️ Part of me used to feel guilt because I believed she must have inherited these mental illnesses from me. But it's not anyones fault. I'm just not sure how to talk to her about this in a way she would understand, and without offering the reassurance she seeks as a way to comfort, because, as someone with ocd myself, I know that doesn't help. I can't afford more therapy right now (I don't think she'd open up to a stranger anyway). Can anyone offer advice??

With OCD I feel like I’m more scared of myself. I will sometimes try to ignore watching something with a kid in it because I’m scared I’ll feel some sort of attraction. And I get really uncomfortable with myself if that kid is really young or isn’t in clothing. So I tend to try to distract myself. And once I feel like I’m having a groinal response I start to panic and feel like you know what, it’s probably not OCD and I’m just a bad person so I should just end my life. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel like I’m so different from everyone else with POCD because they know they won’t act on them, they just get intrusive thoughts. And I feel like I could possibly act on them. And I would hate myself for coming to that point in my life. I can’t even look at a guy I like because I start questioning why I like them? Is it because they have childlike features? Is it because they’re goofy and it reminds me of a child? I feel so gross and I’ve grown such a hatred for myself. I’ve come so close to suicide many times since this has started. I just want to know how can you just move past this? Because I feel like it would be selfish of me to not take this seriously. I feel like I should report myself or something. I’ll question myself if I want to hurt a kid. And I honestly don’t know anymore. I’ve lost so much confidence in myself. I don’t know who I am. And I fear I’ve become the person I’ve always feared and hated.

I'm 26 and have had OCD symptoms since I was a small child. My grandfather is diagnosed OCD, and my parents were very concerned that I had OCD as a kid. I believe that I "grew out" of most of my noticeable compulsions/rituals as I grew up. (I probably just learned to cope a bit) but the intrusive thoughts are incredibly overwhelming sometimes, the intrusive thoughts seemed to just get worse as I grew up. I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2010. In 2010, I was also diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia, but that diagnosis doesn't seem off-base, as anxiety has ruled my life for as long as I can remember. I thought about trying to get diagnosed properly, as I believe my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis was just childhood trauma (willing to expound on that later on) but I'm also worried that it might not help. What if it doesn't change anything? I've made it 26 years while coping (barely coping, sometimes) so I just wanted to ask, Has a diagnosis really changed your life? (Thanks in advance)

i’m not sure if this is an OCD symptom but sometimes i’ll feel like someone’s watching me and feel the need to cover certain things or recover things. for example, whenever i use the restroom i’ll turn off my phone and leave it in my room or turn it off and keep it with me if i’m in a public place. or sometimes i’ll think someone i like is watching me and i’ll do something different like “oh if they’re watching me, let me do this instead just in case.” does anyone else do this?

To anyone who has POCD and has had a successful recovery, how does your day to day life look like now? Do you still have those thoughts in the back of your mind and just not let them bother you? Or have you gone about your days without even thinking about it at all? Has your life somewhat been back to normal? Do you still have harder days? And how often? Have you gained trust and confidence in who you are? Do you not allow OCD to make you question yourself? The reason I ask is because I worry that though I might get “better” I still will have hard days like every other week. Like having to have good days but deep down knowing you’re going to struggle with this for the rest of your life. Because personally I just can’t possibly imagine having to knowingly do ERP everyday for the rest of my life just to not crumble and fall apart. Yes I might be “better” at handling it, it will still be something I’m gonna have to be focusing on not allowing OCD to take over. I just want to live my life how I used to. Not having to try everyday to fall apart, ignoring thoughts, forcing myself to be uncomfortable, having to resist questioning things, and faking being okay with what I’m going through. It gets tiring having to do those things everyday. It’s so much easier to just give up. I’m doing my best to not give up. But the thought of having to fight OCD everyday and knowingly sounds much worse than just giving up. I feel like I’m a pretty reasonable person so having to live through this just doesn’t sound worth it and I think it’s pretty messed up to shame someone for wanting to “give up” if you know what I mean. So If there’s no true good outcome after consistent hard work. I think mental illnesses can be just as bad as a physical illness. But we don’t shame them for giving up a treatment because there’s no actual cure. We understand they can’t deal with the pain anymore and want to be set free. But when it comes to mental illness, being set free is looked down upon. But maybe there is no cure or good outcome and all we want is to be set free.

I know comparing themes is bad but I just want a few opinions

OCD can be anywhere from bothersome to devastating. For many of us, this is the hardest, most painful part of our life. Yet somehow pain has a way of making us into really special people if we let it… How has OCD changed your life for the better? I’m in the thick of my journey right now, I start erp therapy next week. Its tempting to feel alone, bitter, and like I’m the only one who has ever experienced this. I am looking for hope from those who have walked this road before me!

For those who remember my post from the other day about feeling suicidal. I am again. I’ve even reached best ways to end your life. None sound good enough to make sure I do die for sure. I’m not telling anyone because I cannot go back to the mental hospital. I just can’t keep living with this. I’m hurting. I hate myself so much and I feel like I would be doing the world a favor if I end my life. Because the world doesn’t need another evil person. And I fear I might just be one. I want to cry out for help. But nothing is gonna make this so called “OCD” just go away. It will never go away. Maybe simmer down but never be gone. Everyday feels like a never ending battle. I can’t keep living like this.

I was recently diagnosed with OCD. Probably more along the lines more of Pure O. . . Very very distressing intrusive thoughts and fears. I can see how it's likely been an issue most of my adult life but really exacerbated lately. It's exhausting. Has caused a significant disruption in my life and it Feels like a constant mental battle. Has anyone had luck with medication? I was recommended for lexapro. Tried it for 3 days and felt awful. Is the ERP therapy usually effective without medication? I'm on the wait list for a nocd therapist as they say they don't currently have any available in my state.

I’m suddenly really struggling right now. I’m having suicidal thoughts and I feel like the best option for me is to do it. My family really really loves me but I don’t think I can do it. I wish I felt I could live for them but I feel like that’s selfish of me because what if I’m actually a bad person. I’ve seen people talking on here saying they’ve struggled for more than 20 years and I’ve only been struggling for a few months. And this is absolute torture. I cant imagine living like this for that long. Because that chance of me being a bad person or not being able to live the life I wanted is a chance I feel I can’t take. I know in order to overcome ocd you need to accept the either or. But I don’t feel strong enough. I wish I was different.

Anyone feel like you have ruined your life through giving into ocd compulsions? Or the choices you made in life that led to ocd symptoms getting sparked in the first place? I know healing is very possible, but right now i am remembering so many important moments in my life that have been “robbed” by ocd… :( I know this may continue to happen. The intrusive thoughts. The numb emotions. The constant checking to see if I’m in the present moment, which is exactly what takes me from the present moment. I wish I could go back in time and make different choices so my ocd didn’t flair up and rob important moments in my life that I had dreamed of for so long. Feeling bitter. Have you been where I am right now?

Does anybody else experience delusional intrusive thoughts? I have a very big fear of developing schizophrenia or becoming delusional. And it seems that a lot of my intrusive thoughts are delusional intrusive thoughts that I fight.