Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Plus a person was assuming and triggering me by saying that the situation happened, or that I had malicious intent and felt guilty after... im so triggered rn...

Can testing for groinal responses cause them to happen? For example i will think of an intrusive thought in the past or create a fake scenario in my head and i will start to feel something down there every time. It’s it a learned response for the trama of this thoughts? Or i’m an actually a P. Dose anyone else experience this with POCD or should i look into get more help?

Im so depressed... and I feel alone... theres no hope... My pocd keeps saying that my worst fear of unknowingly cybering with a minor has actually happened and it's really triggering the hell out of me... I feel so horrible...My pocd keeps saying I "unknowingly erotically role played with a minor" when idek if this actually happened or not... this was nearly three years ago... (september of 2021) for context we were erotically role playing on an 18+ discord server, (she wasnt verified, but I assumed she was 18+ because we were on an 18+ place) and then she suddenly stopped responding, before leaving the server shortly after an unknown time... im so freaking anxious and scared... her grammar was fine at first, but then as we were going on, she kept making errors like "boxer" or "then" instead of "than"... my pocd keeps saying that I "UNKNOWINGLY EROTICALLY ROLEPLAYED WITH A MINOR" when idek if this happened or not... some people told me she sounds like/is a young adult... chatGPT tells me she sounded like a teenager... I genuinely dont know what to believe anymore... (these two photos are from her account, and the beginning of our ERP... I hope she wasnt a teenager... I really hope she wasnt...)

I exited from my house to meet some friends, but I saw something very triggering and I want to give up everything. Right outside the entrance of my house two t**n girls passed right in front of me, and because I've been obsessing for a while if I'm attracted by exposed legs I looked at theirs to see if I was. I wasn't, I just saw legs. But when I looked at one of the legs I noticed that one of them was wearing short thights, that took the shape of the b*tt. After noticing and feeling like it was, it I felt the urge to look at it again to be sure, and I don't know if it was a compulsion, it felt different. I'm afraid that I was attracted but I didn't look at it with lusr, and if I wasn't, I wondered if what I saw could be attractive on its own and that's why I was bothered, to have found a normally adult chatacteristics/clothing on a trigger, and if that isn't normal, then I'm sick that I perceived it as se&ual. It was just a sportwear, it's my fault for looking. I didn't enjoy it. I feel only distress. But was the b*tt that I saw nice and I'm simply distressed because it belonged to a t**n and I'm in denial? Did I find the b*tt attractive? I can't tolerate that. If it was an adult woman that passed with a similar b*tt I think I'd probably felt attracted. So was that b*tt that I saw inherently nice? Was she se&ualizing herself and I simply noticed it? That can't be. Even if she was I shouldn't have looked that way. It's just a I'm bothered that I saw that thing. I'm filled with disgust by what I've done. I need a comforting explanation. I know I'm not attracted by ****, I know I'm not a ****, I don't feel comfortable around them and I don't seek to be in their company. But when these things happen it makes me doubt everything. I can't tolerate that I might have se&ualized, or that I have might have unconsciously found those inappropriate areas attractive. I don't want to be, and I don't want to notice those things. I can't live like this. I want to give up everything and punish myself.

I remember earlier this year watching a porn video I’d seen before and it said graduation present so I knew the girl in it was 18. It wasn’t on porn hub anymore it was on a different site which is now making me worry that she wasn’t 18! I’m 19, and I always always verify the porn I’m watching is over 18 by checking the ages of the people involved however in now really worried that the girl involved wasn’t 18 and the thought of that disgusts me. I’m just really worried and don’t know what to do

Does anyone else go through this? I am still a teenager, almost done with my teen years tho! Obviously we know how teenage guys dress. I graduated high school this year, and whenever i see people like guys post in high school (junior or senior) it makes me kinda sad, like dang ill never have a hallway crush again and soon enough im not even gonna be attracted to this. And it kinda makes me sad I hope that doesn’t sound weird it’s more of like a sad of growing up thing but now im scared its bc im a p and i WANT TO BE attracted to younger people. idk if this makes sense. like im really attracted to dreads and streetwear type of style, like how some of the dudes at my high school dressed. But like it makes me sad knowing im not in school anymore and i wont experience high school crushes or like my type will probably change but im still scared this makes me a p;( help :(((

Is there a worse mental torture than POCD? It's the worse form of punishment for innocent people. Loss of identity, feeling like a monster, believing that you're monster, having and feeling the most unwanted things. And to get better you're simply supposed to tolerate a physical untolerable amount of anxiety. It's a miracle I'm still alive.

My ocd convinces me that no one else has the ocd thoughts I have. I am newly PP and had an intrusive thought about my baby that sent me into the worst panic attack imaginable. I went to OBGYN and she said “but you aren’t having thoughts about harming yourself or the baby right?” I had to lie. I obviously didn’t want the thought, it’s my biggest fear. But how can we be honest with our doctors without being locked away. I had visions of them taking my child from me or me being locked away and now I’m just spiraling. I went down the rabbit hole for sure. How do we know what intrusive thoughts we can tell our doctor/therapist??? If I can’t share what’s going on in my head, then how am I supposed to know that I am not alone 😭. I want to find a therapist on here to work with but my ocd convinces me that no one else has struggled with what I have for some reason or that my ocd is “different” and I’ll be reported. This is miserable. Can anyone else relate? It’s like it convinces you that you are the “worst case” & what If it’s not even ocd. This has kept me from getting the therapy I know I need. Hope someone can give me some insight…

My name is Ann and I'm from Jamaica and I'm a teenager , growing up my life wasn't easy but my life was decent however I wasn't really close to my family so I grew to stay by myself and stay in my room and stay on social media. growing up I didn't really have a lot of friendships and the ones I did have unfortunately ended. I always felt left out by my bigger sisters however I always wanted to be like them so my childhood was surrounded by making up scenarios in my head for example my relationship would end and I would play music and imagining myself in the middle of his school dancing and he regretted leaving. I got hurt in every relationship I've been in and I wasn't close to anyone so I ended being the person that would talk to herself and if someone upset me I would argue with them even though they weren't there and that followed up with me being an attention seeker for example I would fake faint for attention and that's how bad it became and Even after that I kept living life and kept in my emotions. Fast forward I started dating this boy and he introduced smoking to me (weed) I did it for just a couple week in which I stopped because I got high and it made me scared because it felt like my mind was racing n I didn't know what was going on and my mom said I was acting mad so I develop up a fear of even going back in that state but I didn't give that thought any attention so it went away for awhile until out of the bloom I had a panic attack n I my heart was racing n I started being scared that im going to go mad and I'm going to lose my mind and I will end up on the road and everyone will treat me horribly and it became very overwhelming n I kept crying n I couldn't sleep and this fear was there for awhile n the fear got worse when I heard someone I know was losing there mind and hearing voices so that made it worse so I guess that triggered me even more and I went to the doctor cause I thought the stomach feeling was the reason it was happening but she gave me medicine and it still didn't work so I decide to learn more and I figured out it was anxiety and then I thought it was hypochondria and now I think it's ocd, I got thoughts that I was going to stab my mom and I dont want to do that but I thought about the time when I was a kid when I chocked a kid because the kid was crying too much and I feel complete guilt even though I was a kid as well I still feel like a bad person for that and then I have thoughts that I'm going to lose control in my sleep and do something then I got derealization and I was doing fine at first because I learned that everything happens because of ocd and I just need to accept it n sit with the discomfort until this morning I woke up and I was looking just thinking until my thoughts overlaped like I thought something then I thought about what I just thought so I was confused n I got scared and I thought that what if I'm losing my mind and I started trying to think normally but I just couldn't and my mind is blank and I'm not thinking anything now I'm scared of talking because I don't want to talk and it doesn't make sense.... What is going on with me rn and do I feel like I can't think anymore? I feel like I want to commit suicide n just overdose myself bec6of how I feel

I don’t know where to start and don’t want to write a really long msg. I am really in a dip. I struggle to accept I have ocd and that there’s not some real issues or something else the matter with me. Even though I relate to ocd and can see its has clearly been part of the picture in the past and despite a psychologist saying it sounded like ocd I find it hard to believe or accept. What i’m experiencing feels so real. I have persistent fears about my child being abducted and have horrible graphic images related to that. I also have a lot of anxiety in my relationship (which is challenging) plus I have other life stressors going on. I have worried my boyfriend is a paeodophile and set up cameras in my daughter’s room. I also fear he will harm or kill me. That he’s cheating on me or has done and I said this one day. My boyfriend had been out late getting drunk and I couldn’t get hold of him. I said I feared he was shagging someone out the back of the pub. At the time he was kind and loving and said not to think those things and that he wouldn’t do that and loved me. However those words obviously stayed with him and he’s since been very angry that I thought that and finds it insulting and says I obviously don’t trust him and that maybe it’s me that’s doing what I fear he’s doing. I got angry and said I’ve an anxiety disorder and he said not to raise my voice to him and he stormed off and left. That was the night before my birthday. He called the next day to say happy birthday and made no mention of him storming off and made no apology when I saw him later. He gave me flowers and presents and took me out for dinner then made comments about the age I had turned (I’m 3 years older) he says it’s just a joke and banter but I feel it’s disrespectful. Anyway my child who is with her dad wanted to say goodnight to me (she’s been not wanting to stay there which has added to my anxiety that something will happen to her - that her not wanting to stay there is a sign and she isn’t safe and that something will happen) Anyway she rang whilst my boyfriend and I were having sex (which felt a bit aggressive/violent but I didn’t speak up. He eventually said what do u want as it’s your birthday and I said to go slow which he did) Anyway we stopped having sex and I answered the call from my child. She was ok and we spoke briefly. My boyfriend was really angry and said all sorts of things about my ex having had a ex with me on my birthday in the past and what did he think we were doing and he should have told my child not to call. He said he felt like I made him look like an idiot and that he doesn’t know how long he can carry on never having time alone with me without being interrupted. He left and went to his house but not til after I’d fallen asleep. I woke up and panicked to see his car gone and thought he’d gone to harm my ex or daughter or both or that he’d gone somewhere else to have sex with someone else as we didn’t finish. It feels like I’m living in some sort of nightmare with this amount of fear and distrust going on.

I feel so bad..I feel really bad.I just keep thinking about something.I cant get that out of my head.For 2 years I couldnt get it.And I am so scared and concerned.Can it be because is disturbing? I think then ruminate to see what reaction I have then I feel horrible for thinking it.is so intrusive and horrible.I mentained myself for too long.Now I break down .I cant anymore.I keep having it.almost everyday.I have no reaction now..I am scared and exausted.I feel like a criminal.I feel like I enjoyed it ( it sounds terrible , I know) and I am so scared.my brain cant have a reaction anymore..I cant..Can it be because I am exausted? I am so scared and disgusted and tired.Is related to pocd..The worst theme.It started 2 years ago..I think it changed my life.I feel like I am not who I was...I feel like a monster.I want to go back how I was but idk how after these thoughts .I am scared because I had them for too long...I feel destroyed...A monster..Like I am hiding under a mask..Like no one should trust me and I dont deserve anything..I am so scared to talk to a therapist.I am scared my fears will be true..please ..any advice? Thank you if u read all this

My main worries around my ocd is pocd and being a bad person. Everyday, it’s always in the back of my head. At school . At work. And they aren’t even what if thoughts. It’s just feelings impending doom and thoughts like “u are a bad person and u have to live with the fact that u are and some choices you’ve made” I hate feeling like a bad person all the time. It makes me hate myself and I get sad about it 24/7 I only have periods of clarity when im distracting myself extremely. I really am sad. I feel tainted. I also feel like a fraud hiding behind a mask to everyone no matter what I do no matter if im being genuine and my raw authentic self

Having ocd can either make life difficult or painful or both depending on the theme(s). For me it’s painful. My ocd latches onto my children. I have very upsetting harm and pocd intrusive thoughts. Sometimes it’s easy to shrug them off but other times the ocd makes it seem likes it’s me thinking these things and it feels so real and it has me so depressed. I never used to see any parents posting about this but recently there have been a few. I know it’s really hard to talk about but sharing can help us all feel less alone and more supported. I’m grateful to anyone that offers support because I feel so defeated lately. 😞

How do you get back to cuddling, hugging on, and loving your babies? Please only positive things here. I used to be able to hold, love on, cuddle, hug my babies and loved it!! Now it’s so hard. I’m praying and believe God will get me through this. My babies need affection and love right now. I have seen a NOCD counselor and will possibly start again soon. What worked for you? This not only hurts us. It’s hurts our little ones, I believe!

Can my past childhood sexual assault have led me to having ocd?

Personally ive never wanted to date someone younger then me. Ive always wanted to date someone my exact age or older (not too old) because thats just how ive been. (This post has become triggering and a bit of a vent :( But-since my real event happened. Ive been constantly googling and reading comments on other social medias about age gaps. Specifically two year age gaps. Without going into too much detail i had a a group of online friends and we were in this age range (16-18.) because of the things that happened my pocd is extremely bad and even though i never had any desire to date any of my younger friends or any of my friends in general my ocd has latched onto this specific obsession with age gaps and it makes me sick because of what happened specifically with one of my younger friends, even though i never dated or ever wanted to date them. They were always just a friend. But this obsession is still there and im really struggling with it. And i feel gross and nasty for even being friends in the first place which isn’t right because they and my other younger friends i knew at the time were nice people. Now that im writing it all out i just keep comparing myself to my cocsa event that happened to me when i was a kid. I wont go into detail obviously but the kid that hurt me then was also two years older than me (i was 8 he was 10 :( And maybe this obsession is also because of that? Ik when my real event happened i kept comparing myself to him and how im like him now-my brain is telling me im just asking or sympathy ot worse as excuse as i mention this but i dont want to believe that-i dont even know what im talking about anymore im just very triggered right now. I just feel like what happened lumps me in with that kid now. I feel like a few people on here can relate to this obsession with age gaps? If you do how do you deal with it so you can stop? Because it seems that even telling my brain and reminding myself that i never want to be in that kind of relationship-it still doesn’t matter. Has anyone had experiences like this i hate feeling like im the only one

I (15M) want to get help but I’m scared of punishment. I live in Arizona and I think I have ocd and it’s making me go insane. First off I hurt so many people in my freshman year of highschool I was overly sexual and went too far over texts being way too open with myself and the reason I was probably overly sexual was maybe because when I was 8 or 9 I was shown explicit content by my older brother and I think that gave me compulsive sexual behavior disorder cause I got addicted to it but idk if I deserve sympathy cause my little brother was also shown it at the same time I was and is not a bad person from what I can tell. But yea when I got into highschool idk why I thought I could be so sexual and not see an issue with it and I hurt 3 people because of it 2 of them said they don’t care about it anymore and just found it annoying (I still feel guilty what if they are lying to me to make me feel better) and the third one doesn’t want to talk to me ever again and I deserve it I scarred him for life. And before highschool I begged a 16 yr old for pictures and this is when I was like 13 or 14 and I was so persistent with it and honestly kinda Manipulative (my friend says not to feel bad cause he was grooming her kind of but I still feel bad) and then in highschool I begged a 17 yr old for pictures this was when I was 14 and I gave him my friends ass pics because I wanted pics from him and he agreed ( my friend was 15/14) and I lied saying it was my friends little sisters and my friend told me she could get his pictures for me and I agreed and we later stopped cause she felt uncomfy and we both thought it was honestly gross I think and then he got upset and said he was gonna send her sisters pics to her to make her upset or blackmail her and I got scared and told her what I did and she felt sick and I told the guy what I did and told him I was gonna cut myself and he told my friend what I said and she told me not too and that she forgives me and I feel so bad cause that’s so wrong she felt she had to forgive me. After that the guy said he was manipulating me the whole time so I would feel guilty about what I did later. And now I feel so much guilt from everything and how I hurt so many people I hurt my little brother I was so rude and mean to him and yet he still loves me and I’m having thoughts on what if I’m a child predator or what if I sa’d my baby cousins or sa’d my little brother (besides the time I did cocsa when I was 9 or 8 and he was 6/7) or what if I sa’d someone at my school and these thoughts keep repeating over and over and it feels so real cause I think I’m honestly a monster and it’s not fair how I can keep walking the earth with innocent people

Around this time last August, I had a terrible OCD relapse. It got to the point where I didn’t see the point in living anymore. I had everything I had dreamed of a house, a lovely fiancé, a good job and a decent amount of money coming in, so why was i feeling like I didn’t deserve or needed to leave my life? I have suffered from intrusive thoughts all my life but I have particularly struggled since the age of 19 when I started to have sexual intrusive thoughts. I didn’t understand what was happening, the more I tried to make these thoughts go away, the more aggressively they came. I would stay awake Googling all night and not sleeping. I carried on with life but was doing mental compulsions constantly. Every 6 months I’d have a big relapse where I would be so anxious that I couldn’t eat, sleep or take care of myself. I had never been open about my intrusive thoughts with anyone. I had therapy and didn’t tell the therapist the extent of my intrusive thoughts as I thought I would be sectioned or that my thoughts would be confirmed as truth. So I talked about generic things like checking doors, the gas and my hair straighteners. Where really I was worried that my whole life was a lie that I wasn’t attracted to my partner, that I could be gay, that I could be an evil person etc. Anyway, my big relapse happened a year ago, I was trying to plan my wedding but felt like a fraud. It got to a point where I couldn’t keep it in and broke down to my fiancé, I told him all my intrusive thoughts, my worries that I didn’t love him, I gave him permission to leave me when that was the last thing I wanted. I now know what true love is, he was amazing he told me he wouldn’t leave unless that’s really what I wanted. He supported me, I sought out therapy again, although it was hard I opened up, my GP diagnosed me with OCD. It didn’t get better over night, I still struggled for months on end, trying to put in to practice what I had learnt from therapy, there were many dark days. The support system that I had once I opened up was the best thing I could of hoped for my mum was incredible as was my partner. I am getting married next May, I am planning my wedding, I have bought my wedding dress, I feel like me again. I can be at peace alone without constant thoughts running through my head. Today I went for a walk alone and read a book on a bench, something I could never of done a year ago. I’m retraining as a counsellor as I hope to help people in the way I was helped! I want to raise more awareness to ocd as before my diagnosis I had no idea people had the same scary thoughts that I did. It gets better, keep pushing, do your ERP it won’t get better over night but trust the process give it time!

I had an issue back as a teen where is constantly be rping smut with friends or daydreaming about it. (I can totally disassociate into my mind, it’s like a go to a different place) I’d get aroused by this stuff but since I was a afab (female at birth) I didn’t see an issue since no one would ever be able to know. Right? I was doing this on walks, on car trips… somewhat around my family. Anyways recalling this all has made me feel as if this was another bit of proof to add onto the huge pile that I’m a degenerate depraved dangerous individual… and I have no where to look to find anyone in the same boat as me. Did I do a bad thing? Was this bad? I wish if it was that there was something that outright said it… like I wasn’t attracted to my family as I did this. Sure they were near me but I never involved them or told them or even made any hint or gesture. Sometimes to me it’s as if they weren’t even there at all when I daydreamed… I really really need advice. Do I let this go? Was this normal behaviour for a teen? Or was I screwed up?

Anyone ever have an obsession about the idea of people lying about their ages? I am so extremely paranoid when back in the day I’d be pretty easy going with the idea. I believed people to a degree and went with my own judgment. This was from 18-19 and for the most part I think I was pretty spot on. Now I turn 20 and this obsession has kicked in I’m deathly afraid I might’ve talked inappropriately with someone who lied about their age over online. I don’t talk to anyone online anymore, I don’t make friends, I have to ID the people I talk to and I’ve become pretty reclusive and obsessive. Even people who do show ID’s to me won’t satisfy my extreme paranoia. I’ll always have this nagging voice in my head… haunting me. I’ve had to make someone show me two pieces of ID just to calm my whirlwind of a mind. All of this because if I had ever talked inappropriately with a minor even accidentally at 18-19 I know that I’d never live it down. Cause knowing that just feels like a quick trip to nowhere land for me. I’d be a danger to myself, and maybe that’s why I have such a deep deep deep fear over this all. That I won’t be scared of what others may think of me, but what I might think of myself. I scare me more than anyone.