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at 15 I develop pocd and I still don’t know what caused these thoguhts , I’m horrified with myself

My Dad makes me so uncomfortable to the point of me literally not even wanting to hear him speak. Around February this year i started experiencing intrusive thoughts about POCD and thoughts about him. It was so brutal, i was failing school cause of rumination, and i couldn't even look in his direction for days it was that bad. It got a little better, but now its worse again. He does this thing were he just stares at me. LIke, alot. I catch him staring at me all the time, it came to a point were everytime i do it i calll him weird names. Its basically almost a boundary. Dont fucking stare at me ever second you have. ITs fucking creepy as hell? At first i was scared to bring it up, to both him and my Mom. But im not afraid to express my disgust on how much he looks at me. I feel bad sometimes, but i call him a freak and a weirdo. He knows i hate being called "princess" yet still does it anyway. I get so bad i want to fucking hit something. I slam my doors, punch a wall. It infuriates me and the uncomfortableness in my body is overwhelming. But idk if its OCD. I dont nessacarily get "what ifs" anymore. Its more just reading more into the scenario than i need to. For example, he came into my room about 10 minutes ago, just randomly. He congratulated me for the nice things my teachers were saying about me, and i was really just trying to focus on something and i knew that even if i saw his existence it would trigger me and make me so uncomfortable. I even get intense groinal respones that make me want to literally cry and sob for weeks. I feel disgusting. Ive felt disgusting. But basically he also told me to put a pillow under my lap, cause my computer was on it, and hes some health freak about stuff like that. I say just please leave and he wont leave and just keeps pushing it and staring at me and making jokes like its funny till the point im screaming at him to just leave. I know i sound like a lunatic, but its so overwhelming to just simply be around him. Its so fucking uncomfortable. Then about 10 minutes later, he yells into my room saying "did you put the pillow yet??" and my brain said this as a "hes always thinking about you" and i literally started bursting out in tears and told him to leave me alone. Idk whats wrong with me. IM fucking broken. Im a fucking terrible daughter just cause of these feelings. Hes made it very clear that hes not staring at me in a weird way, as ive asked him before. But these thoughts and these feelings their just to strong to ignore. Their just to much, and idk how to get rid of them. Its like each time i see him i just get triggered, but obviously i cant just ignore my dad for i am only 13 years old. Im so fucking exhausted with this stupif bullshit, i shouldnt have to deal with this. Idk what is wrong and i fear i will never get the answer on if its me or him. Please someone just help me, i just need a little bit of comfort right now is all.

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

It is currently 12:51am and I am really worried about the false memories I have in relation to my friend and there are several of them all containing her that are very detailed, very vivid, and feel very real, they feel like other genuine memories that I have, they feel the exact same which is more worrying. I keep trying to tell myself that the more I ruminate over these memories and try to find arguments and reasons as to why they’re more likely to be untrue false memories that my brain has conjured up, the more arguments my brain will come up with as to why they’re real, which in turn makes them more real. I keep trying to tell myself that nothing positive or beneficial comes from trying to figure out whether these false memories are true or not, and that by checking them will only make me feel “worse”. I keep trying to acknowledge the thoughts when they appear and not push them away, but just sit with them and I can’t. I feel awful, sad, bad, gross and it makes me so upset and I want to cry. I don’t want to have done anything sexual whether it is appropriate or inappropriate with this individual, and I especially don’t want any of these false memories to be true, and I hope to god they’re false memories but I’m worried and fear they’re not (I hope this is just my OCD saying all of that) I’m worried they’re not false memories because they’re so detailed, vivid, obscure and intricate. There’s aspects to these false memories that don’t feel like something OCD would be able to come up with. The more I think about them the more I’m worried and feel like they’re just actual memories that I’m suppressing and pushing away, or actual memories that I’m just trying to dismiss by passing them off as OCD false memories to make myself appear or look innocent, does that make sense? They’re very graphic, disgusting and disturbing inappropriate actions that I am worried I have committed. I want to type it out here but I worry from the simple fact that I am able to type out what the event is within the first place, like the fact it is something I can picture and detail in words here would indicate to me that it has happened otherwise how else am I telling you about it right now? In short, what I can disgustingly remember is performing oral sex on my friend. I can remember the setting, what she was wearing, what was on the television in the background. What is even more disturbing and extremely worrying to me, is this very specific and intricate detail which makes me worry that this memory is indeed real and not a false memory (which I really want it to be) I want all of the sexual memories I have in relation to this person to be false memories that have been created and formed by my OCD and don’t actually have any basis in reality, and haven’t actually happened. The reason this is seriously worrying me is because there is a very intricate and detailed part of the memory that feels too complicated and complex for OCD to simply “come up with”, and feels more like something that actually happened, hence why I can remember this detail. I want to type out the detail and word it but I’m scared too because by typing it out it makes it feel more real and like it actually happened, because otherwise how do I have a recollection of it to type out within the first place? Does that make sense? What’s making this even more worrying and believable to me, and I feel overwhelmed and upset typing out this sentence, is that while I am and do identity as a straight woman, I have had a consensual sexual experience with another woman before, which is why for me it’s even harder to dismiss these memories as being false memories. For example, if I had never had a sexual experience with another woman before, I would easily be able to say “Well this is obviously and very clearly a false memory because I have never even done anything sexual with a woman consensually, let alone inappropriately” but I can’t say that, which is why to me these false memories are very plausible because all I can think is “Well you have had a sexual experience with a woman before, you’re clearly attracted to the female body sexually, it isn’t impossible for you to have done those acts in the past and they’re actually even MORE likely now”, which is why it’s even scarier for me and does feel like something that is more likely to have happened now, does that make sense? It feels a lot more believable because that is an action that I easily could’ve done given consent to do so.  I am just really, really worried. I remember at the time when I first started worrying about these fears in relation to this person (like 5 years ago) I remember messaging her as I had her on instagram, and I sent her a message to test what she would responsd/ reaction would be, which ended up being a pretty normal response. During the timeframe after the false memory takes place, she sent me instagram reels, liked posts I made and also at one point asked me if I’d like to hang out and that she would be down to drive to me, but I declined at the time and I can’t remember why, which is also worrying.  Since the time the false memory took place, I hadn’t seen her in person or really spoken to her over text aside from the occasional “Hey how are you?” and sending each other instagram reels. However, back in April I bumped into her for and saw her for the first time since like 4 years ago. The whole time I was shaking in fear, I felt so scared and anxious and my legs wouldn’t stop trembling the entire interaction. At first I was very on guard to look out for any signs of discomfort or hostility from her, which I can’t tell if I actually did find or if that’s just how she converses now.  Anyway, at the end of the interaction she gave me a hug, said to me “Girl I missed you” and it seemed sincere. She also asked me for my social media’s. I told her I don’t have social media anymore (which is true) but that I can give her my number instead, which she added into her phone. I then proceeded to leave and was panicking the entire time after the interaction, fearing that any moment she was going to send me a text message either asking me to meet up with her (where she would then confront me about the false memories, therefore confirming they’re real) or just send me a text message confronting me about the false memories, again confirming that they’re real. These particular fears were still present between the months of March and September, the only reason the fears stop here is because I bought a new phone and received a new number, meaning my friend no longer has my up to date mobile number. Every time my phone beeped I was panicked it was going to be her, I was anticipating an angry message.   This panicked me for a multitude of reasons,  on most days I was anticipating a confrontational message only to never receive anything from her, but isn’t that even more alarming and worrying? Isn’t that even more evidence that I in fact did commit those actions and that they’re not false memories? Why would she take my number and then never bother to text it, not even a hello? Maybe it is because she was just taking my number to be polite in the moment but didn’t actually want it because I make her uncomfortable and she doesn’t actually like me because the false memories are true and happened. I keep trying to tell myself that this doesn’t necessarily mean the false memories are true because: * a) she had me on instagram for years after the false memories took place and she never messaged me or “confronted” me on there either, so why would she message me now? * b) I have many peoples phone numbers that I wouldn’t actually text or bother to speak with. for example I have a few peoples numbers in my phone now that I can tell you with 99.9% certainty I will probably never text again, but not because they’ve done anything wrong to me, I just don’t see the point because they’re not in my life anymore.  I’m just so so worried. I am sitting here right now and my face feels numb and twitchy, and so do my eyes. My stomach keeps turning and tightening and I feel “strange”. I feel like this entire note is just me being in denial and actively choosing to lie and pass off these terrible disgusting actions (that my brain says I know I’ve done and just don’t want to admit it) as OCD and calling them a false memory as to not take accountability for them.  I am really terrified that these false memories aren’t false memories and that they actually happened and I’m just in denial about them. They feel so so real and I can remember them like the back of my hand, which only worries me more. I don’t want any of the sexual memories I have in relation to this individual to be true. I don’t want to have done anything remotely sexual to / with this individual, whether inappropriate or appropriate. When I say to myself or my partner “I don’t know whether or not I have done anything sexual to / with her” it feels like I’m lying, my body feels weird and so does my face. When I say that phrase I feel like I’m lying to myself and my family and that I’m just in denial and don’t want to admit it to myself. That’s what it genuinely feels like and I don’t know why. I am really upset and I don’t want to have done anything sexual to / with her. Whenever I’m outside I am genuinely terrified of bumping into her because I fear she’s going to “confront me” (understandably so) and confirm to me that what I’m hoping are just OCD fabricated false memories, aren’t false memories at all, but in fact something that has actually occurred in reality. However, I also worry that that sounds incredibly selfish and vile because the main persons feelings here who should matter is the individual that has been harmed, and that’s what I’m worried I have done :( I don’t know how to cope or what to do. If I found out I had committed those disgusting acts and they were indeed real, I wouldn’t want to live, because I don’t want to live knowing I was able to do those unforgivable actions towards someone. I am so so scared, I really don’t want to have done anything to this person and I’m terrified I’m lying about it and in denial. Even now as I type these sentences I feel strange and that every word I’m typing is just me falling further and further into denial and running with the life to try and make myself feel better.  However, if I did know I had committed these actions / false memories, then why would I also be having thoughts to “check to see whether I’ve carried out these actions”. As in, if these were actions I KNEW I had done and was actively choosing to lie about them, then why would I also be having thoughts to check if I’ve done said behaviours? Does that make sense? Do you think I’m lying when I say I’m not sure whether I have done anything to / with her? Do you think I have done those disgusting acts to / with her? Do you think those false memories are false memories fabricated by OCD, or do you think they’re real and did in fact occur?

My life has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.

So, there is this thing I talked about before on here that I don’t remember happening. So, there’s this thought I had that my brain had and is trying to figure out if it’s a memory or not. This thought came to me one night and said I had inappropriately touched someone crotch. No name or memory. Just the thought saying this. My brain tried to rack through WHO this could be and WHEN and HOW. It thought of a few people with no real evidence or base. One I reached out to said I was nothing but sweet to them in school. Then it stuck to one person, but all I can remember is this one bad interaction nothing more. I apologized and they said it was ok, I’m good. Now there was no real memory of this “touch” that I could really recall. I don’t know how to describe it. My mind just said I did this thing and it scared me. I have never thought of this before. It brought up this one person I had this bad interaction with but I said “No this is what happened…” but then my mind kept saying what if and questioning if I’m sure. Like if I’m trying to hid the fact that I’m bad person from myself. I asked around and other people said they don’t remember me doing anything to this person or that I was a regular sweet kid in middle school. It’s all so trippy and irritating. I remember a lot of mistakes I did! But not really this one, this “memory” is not clear nor have I ever thought of it til this thought told me I did this thing. These other memories come up surrounding this event but I don't even really remember these. I did a lot of stupid stuff as a kid but I remember it, this is fuzzy and I keep going back and forth in my mind about it.

My pocd is so bad, even hearing a child talk in another room makes me wonder if I could be attracted to it's voice. I constantly remind myself that I've only ever liked crushing on people who are my age or older than me but it doesn't help since it's a compulsion. I'm just so tired of the groinals making me feel like I like these thoughts. My ocd turns everything into something sexual and I just feel hypersexual. My ocd is with me every minute of the day. I try to read, I try to work put, I want to make some food, none of it works. I'm constantly on the edge and I feel so bunt out yet I accomplish absolutely nothing. I want to read a book on universalism, I can't concentrate because I am scared I could harm someone I love. I can't sleep in my own bed cause my sister lives on the same floor as me and I need to stand up a dozen times to check if she's on the floor, standing there. My tired brain convinces me I just stood up and harmed her. I go to bed at 10pm and Fall asleep maybe at 2. I'll move out soon and I try to make it work but I'm not sure I can do this anymore

This might be a little bit silly, but bare with me— I’m watching My Little Pony, and I did it so that I can expose myself to my triggers, and try my best not to do compulsions. And I did well, but I also would fail without noticing… doesn’t matter What this post is about, is that my brain will keep on calling spike “h0t” ,, it will make me feel like he is, usually I would ignore this and not really care, or be a little bit spooked, but not care. But This time …I’m actually genuinely freaked out. Because I’m worried if I agreed with it. Because I got the thought and feeling, and then another feeling that made me feel like I agreed with it, I don’t know if I purposely felt this or my brain purposely felt this, I don’t know anymore, I really wasn’t paying attention enough to know which one was which.. and I’m scared that I did something wrong… all I know is that the feeling of feeling that I am attracted to him is really strong like that, like convincing strong, so I could’ve got another feeling that was convincing like that, yes. But I’m just worried that I agreed with it. I could’ve agreed with it, but not realize what it really was. All I know is I wouldn’t genuinely agree to something like that. All I can remember, is it giving me the thought and feeling, then heard my head go “yeah I agree with us” also got the feeling that I agree with it. And I can’t even test to know this either. Because I honestly can’t always tell my voices apart. But when I tested it, it doesn’t sound like me. But still, I still believe but if it was me. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I just wish this wasn’t so hard. Why do I always always believe that I would say something being disgusting, when I would never do that on purpose, maybe on accident, but not on purpose. Freak out about these things. I just wish that my brain didn’t use the excuse “ well you can enjoy something in the moment but then regret it after” if I didn’t know this was a thing then I would’ve been so much happier. Because I could say “ well what matters is that I don’t agree with it. “ and then move on. But I can’t because I know this is a thing. It keeps getting so bad, I don’t know if when OCD gets bad, ruminating takes longer, checking takes longer? Does this happen whenever OCD gets bad? Because this happens with me right now. It takes about an hour to get certainty now. I don’t want to do in this moment. I don’t know if I’m getting better or worse. I can’t tell. What can I do in this situation? I know people will say sit with it. But If I do that, I spiral. I can’t eat. can’t draw, can’t play games, can’t sleep, I can’t do anything. Because my brain will be like “oh you don’t deserve that because you’re a ped//phile for thinking that way about spike.” ,, that’s why I try to find out. So that if I know this is OCD. I can do better and not do this again. Rather than not knowing and feel like a monster and not being able to eat ever again. I want to ruminate on this, but I already know that it’s gonna take me like two hours to get the answer. I see no point. I’d rather just post this and then hear what people have to say.

18+ Is there just not a way to actually deal with with this? I get it ERP breathing “being in the moment” I can’t I can’t freaking do it my POCD is making it so hard to live life I see kids and now I think I gaslighted myself into thinking I’m attracted to them when I watch movies TikTok’s, go outside and see kids everywhere I just can’t take it I feel groinal responses I’m imagining them without clothes and doing sexual things like a sicko and feeling like I like it or my brain is trying to make me become that??? Why is it bc of guilt from my real event is it bc im checking if I am??? I can’t live like this it’s literally like I have the eyes of a pedo now sexualizing children this is absolutely insane… I have a boyfriend I want to have intimate time with now I’m so scared too because i KNOW im gonna be thinking about children HOW am I suppose to get turned on I try too “not focus” look around ect DOESNT WORK I have dreams where it’s sexual with children WHY IS THIS MY LIFE I’m in therapy and doing erp but nothing is helping me DO I NEED BRAIN SURGERY SOMETHING NOW?? please I just can’t keep living like this ANYONE PLEASE HELP ME it’s so hard not to cry I don’t care if it’s just thoughts I’m so terrified I messed up my life because it is effecting my life my sex life my relationship my love for myself And all I’m suppose to do is just “sit with the thought” I still don’t even know what that means I don’t want to end my life my partner my family loves me but I JUST CANT DEAL WITH THIS I miss having loving dreams about my boyfriend instead it’s harmful and sexual dreams with children I’m so upset can anyway please… give me some advice on what to do please I’m begging.

16+ only !!! :( Sorry that I’m posting a lot, I’m gonna try to make an effort to stop posting as much as I can after I make this. —- Basically, what happened, is that I went in my living room to throw my trash away, since I’m cleaning my room, and I saw my dad, and immediately I got thoughts saying “ oh what if he’s watching this inappropriate thing “ and I got a groinal, but I didn’t freak out because this happens like incredibly often, so I ignored it. But then the disgusting thought of me and my dad doing horrible things came to my mind, and i was like “ yeah I’d do that and cry after” ,, and I immediately started panicking because I said that, because I’m scared that it means I want to do that, or I meant that I want to do it, but that’s not what I meant??? I was trying to say yeah if I ever did that, I would cry after, but a part of me feels like that I felt like I would do something like that while saying it, but I don’t wanna do something like that. But why did I feel like I would do it??? as I was saying it? I mean this happens all the time. I don’t know why this is the time it decides to make me freak out. Sometimes I have thoughts about doing bad and I’ll be like “yeah, I will do that and then feel like shit after, so why would I ever do that?” Idk, please help :(

I (15m)am a monster. I have done horrible things mistakes or not I don’t think people would ever forgive me. When I got into highschool when I was 14 I had a messed up mindset that being sexual was the way to go with everything and I was way to open to people who I just met. This led to me revealing personal things about myself that made others uncomfy and flirting with my friends all the time and making sexual jokes comments and just sexual flirting even when they said no (this was over text) Me thinking back on this makes me realize how uncomfy I made these people it’s sick I considered them my friends and ended up traumtizing them. One of them stopped talking to me because of my behavior they were scarred and they can’t even bring themselves to look at me and don’t even want me saying their name. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live. And idk how I can move on with my life ever why shouldn’t I be locked up if I ever got help like therapy I would go to jail and rightfully so I’m a monster.

Like 100% no doubt, just guilt and depression?

I would like some advice for something that happened to me yesterday. I was on a call chatting with some of my close friends, and while on the call I was playing a video game. So for context, this game is called Rune Factory 5. It is a game in a series I have been playing since I was a kid. I continue to play the series because I have not found any other game like it; it is a fantasy farming RPG. Even with all these new farming games, none have the crafting system, in depth story, or monster-taming system that Rune Factory does. Now, another part of the game is that you can romance and marry one of the characters. Rune Factory does have some young looking characters, of which I’ve always stayed away from. I have POCD so I have in the past gone over characters potential ages multiple times in my head. So while on the call with my friends, I decided it would be fun if I sent them the two characters I was thinking of romancing and letting them vote. They are anime nerds like me. I sent them a photo of one of the characters, Scarlett, and they got kind of quiet and really didn’t like her. I was confused. Eventually they said that she looked too young and started making pedo jokes that made me uncomfortable. I went quiet at first because it was a trigger for my POCD. Then I did explain that I myself have a flat chest and a very young looking face, and so I didn’t think that automatically made the character a kid. I am almost 25 but often get mistaken for being much younger. I couldn’t think of how to explain further at the time, but the character’s voice lines and how she speaks also makes her seem older. (She’s not one of those Lolli characters that is actually 100 years old either btw) I did clear things up with my friends where they said they didn’t actually think I was a creep and they were just busting on me. But still it was very uncomfortable. Now when I think of playing the game and interacting with Scarlett I feel like a creep. I know I need to do some exposures with this and I don’t want reassurance but I also want a second opinion on what happened. I hope that makes sense. 😭

If anyone knows a lot about full metal alchemist brotherhood please reply!! I used to love full metal alchemist brotherhood but ever since I started having thoughts about liking pride it triggers me. Especially cause his character is a homunculus which need a disguise/host/container to be able to move around. Cause Pride is a humanoid shadow monster/villian created by a god with alchemy. And he’s supposed to be a child!! But then they say Pride is 300+ years old which triggers it for me because people say you can’t be physically attracted to characters who are demons or adults who look like literal children!! Like I don’t want to be attracted to pride if he’s an actual child!! Especially (SPOILER) when Edward recreates pride into a normal child cause he killed/removed pride “the shadow.” Shows that he’s a child!!! And I don’t want to be attracted to that at all!!!! I’m so confused and scared!!

This is 16+ ,, so please don’t read this if you’re younger ——- —— —- — - I was having a inappropriate dream about characters, and I realized that they were minors (I thought they were 16) and in the dream I was like “well aren’t they adults in the newer ones? I’m going to pretend they’re adults” and I’m so upset that I did this, I know I meant no harm and I know I didn’t mean to do anything disgusting, as I thought they were 16 in the dream and I was like “um, im gonna pretend that they’re older” ,, and I just realized those characters might be actually 14, and now I’m freaking out that I’m a bad person… i didn’t mean any harm and I’m so sorry, I can’t ever forgive myself, knowing I had this dream, but I know I didn’t mean harm cuz I tried to change it instantly when my brain reminded me of the age

I’m crying so hard, I just can’t this anymore. I feel like a bad person, I’m only 16… I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t breathe and I’m panicking so bad… please help me I was thinking about this situation with this YouTuber where he called this 16 year old “fine” Then I started to think, what if I get older and think 16 year olds are fine? This kind of made me anxious not really, but then I got convinced that I would, because my brain kept making me feel like I would be attracted to them, and there is nothing to say I won’t be attracted, so I said “I know I will be attracted, because they look older, I know that I will turn into a p//do” and now I’m really scared and terrified, I feel like I am a p now, I can’t believe I said that, now I feel like I’m gonna turn into one I would NEVER want to turn into one, I would NEVER want to find teens attractive at that age I’m crying

*This mentions pretty dark things so if you think you’ll get triggered, don’t read* I have a question for people who deal with real event/false memory. I hear a lot of people say they can’t remember if they did something or not, but they’re sure they’re guilty. Does anybody have a memory that they’re sure happened, it’s so vivid and you just know it happened, and then when you’re out of the ocd cycle, it just doesn’t feel real anymore? When I was a kid, I was overly sexually. Not only did I start doing sexual things at a young age, but I also had a lot of really dark thoughts. Today, I do have some issues with things I’m attracted to, but only in a passive “I should probably talk to my therapist about that” kind of way and I’ve heard the things I’m into are actually very common. What I thought about as a kid though are much darker. I try to give myself some grace with some of them because I was a kid and had no idea what it was, but of course, I feel disgusted. Anyway, i know that I had these thoughts and feelings when I was a kid, but there are some things I didn’t think I did until the past few years… I had one childhood “memory” come up… Basically, it was having a deliberate thought about an animal when I was masterbating. It felt 100% real, I was sure I did it and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. When my OCD calmed down, it suddenly felt much more foggy, and now it doesn’t feel accurate. I know for a fact I’ve never been attracted to animals, but I’m worried there was a different reason for me having that thought and it’s true that I intentionally thought about it and did it. But now it doesn’t feel real. On top of that, I also know I have never been attracted to children/babies. I have memories of getting thoughts about pedophelia and most of them I have memories of brushing them off but I’m terrified there’s one I am absolutely terrified I touched myself to. For this one, I was certain it was real but I was trying to convince myself it wasn’t, or will it to not be real. It was very vivid, but it also made absolutely no sense because I’ve never wanted that, ever. And if this is true, how could I ever forgive myself and move forward in life? Well, now it doesn’t feel as real. I’m terrified I tried so hard to convince myself that I succeeded and now I think it didn’t even though it did. I also realized I have no accurate memory of where this happened, how old I was, etc. For a while I was terrified this happened when I was older but I have no real memory of that. This made me relax for a second because I thought “maybe that means it didn’t happen or there’s something I’m forgetting and it was an intrusive thought that I pushed off like the rest” but then I quickly realized it really doesn’t mean anything and I could be a horrible, sick person. I know for certain I’m not interested in these things. But I know I used to struggle with dark thoughts, and hearing people talk about false memory the way they typically do just makes me feel like it absolutely can’t be that so it must’ve happened. I don’t know how to even function with these thoughts.

Has anyone had kids while dealing with this theme? Right before my big flare up, and my SOOCD/ROCD was triggered this summer, my husband and I were in the process of talking about trying for kids. We have both been very “will we, won’t we” when it comes to kids, but this past winter I felt a big urge to have children now that I am 30. Every part of me was excited for this journey with my husband and our future, until my OCD latched on and now it’s all gone. I am so terrified to have children now because what if something happens or I change and I ruin not only my husband’s life, but now I ruin my (unborn) child’s life? I wish I didn’t have this guilt. If this OCD wasn’t there I would just be living my life like I had been, but now I just doubt everything.

so basically I’ve been overthinking Thursday. basically this whole week I’ve been getting intrusive thoughts about doing sexual or inappropriate things with objects, and it got so bad that basically everyday I was throwing my toothbrush away and buying a new one because I was afraid I did something to it and it was contaiminated. please understand I DO NOT want that at all. well I told my mom about it like I told my mom how I thought my toothbrush was contaiminated and I kept getting distressing thoughts (I couldn’t tell her exactly what) and she basically got mad and said I was wasting money and that she wouldn’t allow me to buy more so then I’d just have to use the same one. Well I’ve been replaying all the events that Thursday morning and I can’t find where I could’ve done something inappropriate but idk why the day after so Friday I kept getting those images even though on Thursday I felt fine I think. I couldn’t use a new one my mom forced me to use the one I had and so now I’m going crazy and I think my mouth is contaiminated. What do I do actually please help. I can’t live like this. I think these thoughts were triggered by something I read on the news, but now I’m afraid I might’ve done something and now I’m contaiminated. What if I actually did whatever those intrusive thoughts showed me? What if they were repressed memories? I can’t live knowing this please give any advice.

I’m trying so hard not to give up… but how can you not give up when you have a mind like mine? I have REAL EVENT OCD so that means I HAVE done something in my passed that was so inappropriate I was a teen and I’m in therapy for it now, so I learned it’s also trauma for me and real event ocd, I can’t explain why I did what I did and you know OCD HATES that… and WANTS to create a story because it doesn’t like uncertainty…..I was a teen and I’m a full grown adult now it’s been years and I did remember this real event but I thought I did it when I was a a lot younger, so I don’t know if I was dissociating or just didn’t realize when it happened regardless… I was a teen and it’s messed me up questioned my whole being and now I’m thinking I have a mind of a pedo, this started a couple of months ago and before this I would have never EVER guessed or questioned that I was a pedo because 1. I only did that real event one time and obviously feel so awful about it (not sharing details about what I did) but it involved my cousin and it makes me feel disgusted that I didn’t know better when I was old enough too know better unfortunately(2. Iv had boyfriends of my age and currently in the most loving relationship of my life 3. I never care about kids like that and I would talk about kids to my boyfriend because I know how an amazing father he would be one day, and he would tell me how amazing I would be because of how I love to take care of things like animals,him ect and how protective I would be like normal beautiful thoughts, NOW with my ocd I get intrusive thoughts and images of children in innapropriate ways and I get it “it’s just thoughts” but I HAD a real event that I did and now my ocd is latched onto that and making me question my sexuality and that I like children now, I TRY I try so hard not too believe it but whenever I try to think about my boyfriend it feels forced or anyone my age and my mind wants me to think about children and view them sexually like a real pedo would, it’s like I’m hyper focusing on them now and I can’t undo it I feel so sick I feel like I NEED to go to a mental asylum how did my life end up this way?!?!? I fucking wouldn’t dare hurt a child but my mind is so fucked I can’t believe this is my life right now I just can’t, I’m so upset I can ruin my future my love my everything my whole life with this, I can’t even have sex or masterbate because of this and I’m thinking about sex 24/7 because I’m so anxious to make love to my bf when before ocd THIS WAS NEVER A PROBLEM I would just daydream about making love to my partner and get turned on and wet easily, now even when I try to daydream about my bf, kids will pop up in sexual ways in my head and I CANT DO IT why am I daydreaming kids doing sexual things THERES NO WAY I’m suppose to just “sit with the thoughts” or “focus on breathing” while imagining those things so realistically in detail or remember my real event and memories of that and just meditate or still masterbate as a ERP technique, because if I’m masterbating to the thoughts and my thoughts are of children how does that not mess up your brain OR atleast trick your brain into thinking you are a pedo??!?? Even to like certain body parts of a child WHY AM I SEXUALIZING THEM like what the heck???? My brain soooooo confused can I actually get help or am I just too fucked….. I am diagnosed with ocd but I might be the one person that doesn’t have ocd and is just becoming a pedo….and that’s unfortunately the only way I got turned on was daydreaming about my bf or other people my age,me just touching myself with no thoughts don’t do anything, or “just feeling my body” it doesn’t do anything, but regardless I can’t even tell when I’m horny or not and it’s so dry down there I can’t even do anything regardless OCD messed up my brain AND my body…. WHAT CAN I DO I am just at such a lost how am I suppose to live with POCD can I never have sex again?!!??! am I the one that’s making up these thoughts maybe because of the guilt I have from my real event OCD? I don’t even know anymore doesn’t matter anyway because I can’t control anything that I’m thinking I can’t shower I can’t work I can’t live my life right now and I have no motivation for anything because if I am I don’t want to live any More… I’m sorry I can’t do this is this really it for me? Please anyone that can help me understand this…..I hate that I did that as a teen it has caused me confusion and guilt I know I learned from then but now my ocd has ruined me