Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I'm really not in a good place! The thoughts just keep coming! Even when I ignore them or agree with them & it's literally making me sick to my stomach!

*TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of adult content and suicidal thoughts* I am in pieces right now and I’m struggling to see a way through this nightmare. I’ve never posted on forums before but I see a lot of people sharing similar experiences on here and I feel like I need some advice. So around 4 months ago I was in a bit of a depressive state and I ended up looking at some NSFW content on Reddit, which I now regret more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. I was on a specific page that I’d used a few times in the past, but I found myself spending a much longer session on there than usual- I think because of the stress I was going through at the time, and I wasn’t looking for ANYTHING illegal whatsoever. I can remember scrolling past a few things that I found unpleasant, and I WISH this was the sign that I took to leave the site immediately. However, like an idiot, I continued scrolling through because I hadn’t found anything I liked. As soon as I left the page, I had an awful, awful feeling build up inside of me. The next morning I woke up with the realisation that one of the posts that flashed up had a very ambiguous sounding title and I got that horrible gut-drop feeling. Whilst there wasn’t anything visually alarming, the title that I remembered spoke about “waiting for their mum to get home” and I felt absolutely sick. Even just writing this is making me want to throw up. I started panicking and I even called my mum because I was in shock. Ever since that happened, I have had numerous visits to hospital because of it and I’ve been put on medication. I made a little bit of progress until I was hit with another dreadful realisation that I had seen something else with a worrying title on there in the past, and this time it felt like there were no excuses. I started spiralling into a pit of self-hatred and despair which is where I am currently at now. Even though I knew I just forgot about it, it doesn’t make me feel any different the situation, and I cannot forgive myself no matter how hard I try. I’ve had dozens of health professionals tell me that I haven’t done anything wrong, yet it just feels so catastrophic. I have since reported the subreddit and I haven’t looked at any kind of adult content since, because I personally find it the single most terrifying thing now. I just wish there was a way to settle my uncertainty and make sure that the people in the images were safe, but there is no way to prove that. Things have just got worse and worse and by brain is bringing up all kinds of gross/disturbing things I’ve seen on the internet from years back, and it’s taken over my life at this point. I don’t want to sound narcissistic but I’ve always considered myself to a person with strong morals, and this feels like it’s violated every single one of them. It’s made me feel like I don’t deserve to heal or grow from this and the only thing that is keeping me going is not wanting to upset my family and friends. I’m sorry for the long post, I’m just terrified with what’s happened and I’m starting to lose faith in ever recovering. If anyone has struggled with anything similar and has come out on the other side I’d love to hear how you overcame it because I genuinely cannot see the wood for the trees. Thank you for reading.

I've been going through this for 3 months now and my OCD has been so bad this all started because of a ccompulsion I did in October which I didn't want to do and now led to one thing or another and now I'm at a point we're I don't know who I am anymore I litterly though I was attracted to freaking infants 2 months ago and way worse and now it's litterly got out of hand I would get anxiety out of no where when I was out and I litterly that I was attracted to certain younger people Idk why it does this shit of course I wasn't because that's passed but this time It litterly felt genuine and real and it felt like I actually liked it and i still feel that way what does this mean I know I've been checking for months now and every time I feel like I was I wasn't but this time i think I just accepted the feeling and my OCD latched into another younger person this one feels very real i mean i was hyperfixating alot what if thats the reason and i still do alittle bit of compulsions to get rid of the thoughts but its rare ive been around kids all my life ive never ever felt this and i dont ever want to become this person is it possible this is still OCD because I didn't even get anxiety in that moment I felt lightheaded though and I kept replacing my words with aww or adorable but it didn't feel genuine I keep thinking about and obsessing about and no matter how hard I try to distract myself it's always there that younger person is there and its scary this is like one of the worst things a human could ever go through and I feel like this anxiety in my chest every time I fall asleep I wake up with it in my chest like I'm really concerned I've been sleeping all day and I've even been checking to see if I am actually attracted and it litterly feels like I am I'm so tired I feel like I'm denying how I actually felt in that moment and I feel like I'm suppressing something Idk if I even have OCD anymore.

I am really worried that I may have SA'ed my little sister. When we were very young, and I mean, really, really young, I was 5 I think. I used to kiss my sister, because I was curious and my mom caught us and she told me not to do it again and I didn't. But when I was about 11 she felt on my lap and I liked the sensation so I tried to rub myself against her. I tried to take my life because of this, I did therapy and everyone, including my sister, told me that I was just a child, and my sister admitted to having done similar things and she said "Would you blame me?" and I said no because she was a child and barely understood what was happening. My therapist said that I mimicked adult behaviors when I kissed her but she was so young, like barely 4 years old and I feel sick to my stomach and I just want to die.

******TW for POCD****** I’ve been struggling with a specific intrusive thought lately, and it’s been making me feel really scared, especially in the mornings when my anxiety is highest. I often give into compulsions during this time, and this particular thought makes me feel like something harmful is already on my phone, even though I know that’s not true. OCD keeps telling me that because I’ve given into compulsions in the past, I’ll eventually give in to this urge too, and that really scares me. It’s making me distrust myself on my devices (phone, computer, iPad). I came across a post that mentioned famous images I find very disturbing (POCD-wise). Initially, I thought it was just morbid curiosity making me want to look more into it, but the urge to search was very strong, and I didn’t give in. After some time, I realized that this might actually be OCD because I had moments where I recognized I didn’t really want to search for more. It felt like a test to see if I would follow through with the compulsion. The most I researched was asking a chat AI whether something like this actually existed—just seeking confirmation, not further details. However, the AI provided a name, and that name started looping in my head. One morning, I woke up with the urge to search for it, thinking it would lead to harmless results. Thankfully, that’s what happened, but now I realize searching for the name was also a compulsion. It felt like I was checking to make sure harmful material wasn’t easily accessible or that I wouldn’t accidentally come across it. The thought keeps looping in my mind, and I’m really scared that if I acted on it, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I know it’s an intrusive thought, but it feels so real that I keep doubting myself. My compulsions seem like safety behaviors, but they make the fear worse, almost like I’m getting closer to something terrible each time. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten the urge to search for things I know I shouldn’t. They feel like intrusive thoughts that I resist, but sometimes I start considering acting on them just to “get it over with.” I realize now that would only make things worse. My mind also spams ideas of what I could look up to find it. For example, if I wanted to look up something like a banana, random phrases like “yellow fruit” or “fruit known for potassium” pop into my mind. Alongside that, I keep feeling the urge to read more about this topic. It almost feels like a normal curiosity, but I’m still unsure if I should trust it. The hardest part is how consuming the fear feels. I feel nauseous and overwhelmed, and although I’ve been trying to sit with the discomfort, it’s really hard. I’ve also found myself imagining looking it up, which I think is a form of testing myself or possibly an intrusive thought. It feels like I’m getting closer to acting on it, which is really overwhelming. This whole experience has been really scary. It initially felt like curiosity, but I’m afraid I might have acted on it if I hadn’t stopped myself or talked to my bf about it. I’m scared I’ll lose control or eventually give in, even though deep down, I don’t want to. It feels like OCD is convincing me otherwise. The constant doubt and fear are making it hard to focus on anything else. Can anyone please help me? I feel like I’m dying, I wish I had never learned of this

hi im new and im only 16 but recently i have did sum for rhe first time and i can’t stop constantly thinking and thinking about it and im constantly searching up on tiktok the symptoms and stuff and when i do that i start to panic even more and i start feeling the symptoms more and more and everytime i feel sum i never felt or idk i search it up and it makes me like panic and even tho i got my period already i constantly still keep thinking about it and it keep searching and seein things and it’s affecting me so much that i cant even do things i wanna do cus im constantly thinking about it and seeing so many tiktoks and i cant even be alone for one second or i get one little cramps and im zoned out

On my tumblr I keep getting messaged by a lot of people from Gaza who made accounts to get donations to evacuate (they have been verified and such) i donate what i can and share their posts,but don't typically reply to their messages. A few people started messaging again thinking i was ignoring. So I felt bad and told that I donated and shared. There was some confronted bc one of them I sent a donation several days ago but didn't reply.to their message until later and they got confused and thought I didn't donate. I feel really bad and anxious abt it even if I know I did do it and am trying to do the right thing,the fear i might convince a family stuck in a war zone i am lying to them about such a thing terrifies me

Like I'm not even scared I feel numb and ever since that night I've completely went down hill Idk what to do the feeling i felt this time genuily felt like i liked it and i didnt even have anxiety at that moment and now I'm panicking I really hope this is still OCD like I'm sorry if I'm still asking for reassurance but im really worried like it felt good in that moment I don't understand what's going on like I hope it was a false feeling and not something real.....like this has happened before but Idk 😭😭😭😭 I really don't know what to I don't want to turn into a p word I don't this I've been sleeping all day I still do compulsions a little to get rid of the thoughts but I've been getting sexual thoughts too and I don't want them but I feel like I do I don't understand I though I was getting better but I guess every time I get better everything gets worse..

It’s just a movie it’s just a movie… they’re just actors they’re just actors…

Hi everyone! first post here and been recently diagnosed with OCD and one of my biggest issues/subtypes is the constant feel that I’m going to regret something or the ‘future me’ is going to be mad about something I choose to do now, this can range from getting piercings or tattoos to reconnecting or reconciling with friends after arguments/misunderstandings. For years before I got diagnosed or knew it was OCD I would just avoid everything that made me feel this way but since being diagnosed I’ve realised that, that made me not do anything really and I’ve missed out on a lot of experiences…does anyone else have this? it’s like a content nagging that ‘you’ll regret this!’ Or ‘what if it doesn’t work out then you’ll be mad you did this and full of guilt and shame!’ I’ve been told it’s in the ’moral scrupulosity’ subtype but I’ve not seen or heard anyone describe it like that, just wanting to know if anyone else experiences this? do you have any strategies to know how to identify these thoughts are OCD rather than ‘intuition’ Or a ‘gut feeling’ sorry for the rambling - hope everyone here has been doing well over the holidays.

I’m new here sorry if i’m doing this wrong but these last days my thoughts are getting more and more frequent, and my usual compulsions are getting longer and it’s harder to make the thought go away, like my usual mental rituals don’t work like they used to and I have to do them x2, c4 or even x6 before I can leave the image behind. I don’t know if my ocd is getting worse since it did worsen this year or if it’s just this period, since it has been worse for certain time periods before but anyway i’m doing really bad these days and I’m struggling to exist in peace and go on with my day so how can I manage this?

I hope people can relate but I have been having issues with obsessive thoughts and they have been effecting me really badly.

tw: su1cide. i feel so bad that i could easily choose death if it were painless. i'm a little afraid of dying, of stopping breathing.. life has no meaning for me for a while now, i feel apathy and a strong discouragement. now, with this problem, i really see myself as a despicable human being and impossible to "get it right". i feel bad about this, because it was a problem that i "hunted" with my own hands. i feel this. i can't stand the doubt, the pain, the thoughts against and the thoughts in favor anymore. it drives me crazy, takes away my peace and my happiness. i didn't have many good feelings before this problem, as far as i can remember..my memory is cloudy and i can't say anything about myself anymore. but i have the desire and the will to be a good person, to be kind, to be normal, to mean something good and to have a positive impact on the lives of the people around me. it seems like i discovered i was a horrible, paraphilic human being.. i am not invalidating the struggle of criminal paraphiliacs who fight against their desires, i am just reinforcing that if i were a person like that, i wouldn't be able to handle it and i wouldn't have the same strength. i hate my body, my appearance, my mind and the way i behave. being born was a big mistake, even though I'm not to blame. i wanted to try something that would take me out of that world, idk..but i still worry about my family members because i will die with them having a good view of me, and that makes me uncomfortable. because i don't feel like a good person. i'm just tired.

Does anyone else have thoughts like mine? While I try not to compare, I know how mine has been very specific lately. For example, I have been on this same theme for a month now. Basically, it started from a black guy I saw at target and I thought “He’s cute.” I went into a spiral and was compulsive by telling my sisters and my boyfriend. Then I would have more thoughts because this one time I shook a protein bottle while looking at another black guy, and he looked at me, I felt the anxiety as I was doing it, I also did compulses by telling my sister and boyfriend, I even had the thought of “what if I liked it?” Later throughout that week, and for some reason this worked, I told myself “I liked it.” And then that gave me the continued thoughts of “I didn’t like it, ha. I knew it” I mean, I was gagging and almost threw up from it and I was talking back to my OCD. The doubt and the uncertainly what was killing me. Now, my brain and my body gets nervous around black guys. Sometimes, scared. For example, this morning this black man called to schedule his mother’s mammogram, I was pretty rude and I wasn’t polite, on purpose. Because I didn’t want to seem friendly and I didn’t want my OCD to be fed anything off of the conversation like “How was my tone talking to them?” Or “Did they think I was being flirty?” So I was very or as monotone as I could be. Most likely because in the morning, and lately I have been having thoughts for weeks, they can go like “ I want a big black cock” “I want a big strong black man” “I like black men” “I want a black man to string me out” “I wonder how it would be to suck black cock, I’m curious” The last one was from this morning, and it started to make me gag, I ended up taking my Lexapro: and at this point, there’s times where these thoughts will rotate around my head. And they can come while I’m talking to my boyfriend and I get distracted. Sometimes, I’m able to be sexual with him and I’m okay. Other times, I had a dream about my ex and then thought of their dick, I didn’t have an image of it, because it’s been years, but my mind went there. Lately, the Lexapro has been doing good at calming me down. This morning, it was hard since I was gagging and I felt dizzy since last night. Sometimes, I feel my heart beating so fast. I’ve been able to let the thoughts pass and go. But when I see a black guy I get scared, I believe this started because of the first scenario that started all this at target and when I told my boyfriend he said that most of my thoughts have been about black men and that I might like them. I know these are intrusive thoughts, and even when I’m not anxious, I am worried what if I enjoy my thoughts and I used to relay on my feelings to prove to me I didn’t, even when I would cry and gag. But this morning I literally went “Nooooo” when I had the thought because I let it go on my mind. I read that the Lexapro and OCD can have other people have these moments and that the thoughts get worse before they get better, cause, back then, if I was off medication, I would probably compulse or gag all day/leave work. So some progress is better than none at least (: I used to worry I was cheating, and now I know that it isn’t that, and that these thoughts are coming out of my control, it even feels like a different voice, it’s my voice but it feels like an outsider, not something I am or actually “thought” even thought I thought it. Does anyone else have this too? What are some tips to handle this? My psychiatrist appointment will not be until February so I wanted to calm myself down a bit since I have a time away until I can vent to a professional. Thank you!

I had an incredible moment with god today and I was so happy and then I had an intrusive thought saying “what if that was the devil” and I immediately rebuked it and thinking “why would I say that” and now I’m freaking out. I need help

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.

Hello! Does anyone here ever feel like they have to ask people over and over again for confidentiality? I have a lot of people in my life that are part of my recovery and my OCD feels like it needs 100 percent certainty that my info will be kept secret. The thing is a lot of times it is really sensitive info! However, it feels like the more I ask the more I have to keep asking other ppl which clues me in to the fact that it’s not a normal thing. I was wondering if anyone else deals with this?

Does anyone who has a history with porn ever worry that they have seen inappropriate or even illegal videos without intending to see them? When I was a teenager I remember watching a lot of videos but searched for other people my age for some reason and found both fictional and real videos on normal sites. As an adult, I remember being disgusted by seeing people make playlists of videos having underaged people or them doing normal things but pedos that advantage of this stuff which is so disgusting. When I relapse on porn and strictly try to find perfectly legal things to watch on YouTube, this stuff is still here and it's so gross. When I was s teenager I just didn't think I knew better consequence wise because I was so young and was so focused on the excitement but I remember being 18 and clicking on a playlist out of curiosity because I was hoping it wasn't real I guess or that there would be people strictly against it. When I did it was a creep asking for how young they were and the uploader knew. Through all of this I was filled with anxiety, scared, and just sick. I feel like I'm awful for this because I clicked on it while near the end of watching videos and that's what makes me freak out about it. As an adult I've never searched for anything like that and I hope the false memories saying otherwise aren't true. I really hope not because I have one event that says I was 18 and did it but I think I was 17 or 16 going on 17. Overall I'm trying to quit watching this stuff for good because it's damaged be in many different ways for many years now. It's keeping me from being my best self and even keeping me from pursuing relationships. I just don't want to waste anymore of my time on it. I always tell myself this and I end up going back to it anyway because I just get so overwhelmed with life.

OCD brings so much unnecessary guilt and shame, and I understand we need to accept the uncertainty and be able to find forgiveness within ourselves if we are dealing with past issues, but is it really possible to eliminate these negative feelings and be able to focus on the present? I'm always looking back and wishing things had ended up differently. "Maybe if I didn't do this, maybe if these things didn't occur... Maybe." It wasn't always like this for me, and that's how I've been holding onto hope that things will improve if I continue to march forward, seeking help from professionals and people around me. But, I still have those thoughts... That life would be much easier if I didn't have to deal with any of this, and these thoughts act as a weight that tugs me down and keeps me from progression. How do people do it? I flip-flop between this multiple times a day. I'll be hopeful, and then the next second, I don't even want to be here. I'm going to be seeing my psychiatrist in a little over a week from now, but I've picked up so many new fears since my last appointment (a month ago). There's always something... It feels impossible. I know it technically isn't, but still. I've seen people that have more extreme cases than my own, and they've been able to recover. But if it isn't my exact situation, the doubt always finds a way to sneak in, and it makes me feel like I don't deserve a future where I'm not constantly being bombarded by intrusive thoughts and things. Before this, I had intrusive thoughts. It's normal, but I didn't remember each and every one, if any. It's hard to move forward with all of this, coupled with the loads of trauma I have to unravel. I don't feel like a "normal" life is even possible for me. I miss who I was a year ago. I've lost all confidence in myself in the span of seven months. I feel like I have whiplash from how quickly things changed. This post started out with a genuine question, but it turned into a mini vent. I'm sorry😭 I'm genuinely curious if life will ever go back to how it was, or if people just live with this constant voice in their heads shouting at them every day.