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i keep having dreams about cheating on my boyfriend, but i love him so much and don’t see myself with anyone else. but it’s making me anxious and i feel guilty. could there be a specific reason for this?

Hi all, I’m really having a hard time with my OCD. I start ERP therapy on Friday, I had an intake session last week. I had a horrible OCD episode that knocked me off my feet last April and made my life so small. I lost my Nana, who was dying a slow death from cancer and I obsessed over this and criticized myself so much and started having existential obsessions. I worried if I loved her too much or not enough and it made me sick. I’m an artist, I stopped making art because I was having doubts and intrusive thoughts that I’m a bad person and I’m not truly an artist. I stopped doing freelance, which was my entire income. Then I got my dream job at a museum, then I started having doubts about deserving a good life and “living a lie”. Then I started obsessing over my sexuality and my relationship. Terrified that I can never get married or have kids because of my OCD. I was abused as a child and have a lot of shame about myself and also fear of trusting people. As a kid I dealt with horrible intrusive thoughts, as well as obsessions about my health that took so much of my childhood from me. The thing that scares the living crap out of me is many of these recovery stories where people had to “let go” of their entire lives and entire selves in order to get better. I feel like I’ve worked really hard to give myself a chance at life and I’m following my dreams, but I feel like OCD derailed those plans. So in order to get better, do I have to give those dreams up for good? I’m so scared. Would love to hear from someone who is in recovery or anyone who has similar fears.

My dumb ass has been reasurance seeking so much, researching, Reddit, quizes, gay Vs denial, bisexual Vs denial, and checking aesthetically good looking men and now nothing reassures me for long periods of time. It's ruining my relationship I'm losing attraction I have porn addiction too not compulsively checking but I do check alot of the time and it's also escalating onto things I wouldn't do in real life. My life feels ruined by this relapse because life was finally good I finally got a beautiful amazing girlfriend, went gym, got new clothing, haircut and was overall happy but just finding men handsome, liking their voice etc causes me alot of anxiety because it's not every so often it's a very common thing now and it makes me so upset not because being bi or gay is wrong but because I don't want sex with men it doesn't make me happy or excite me I wouldn't even do it for money. Women make me feel so good inside, excited, butterflies I just want to be married and spend my life with a beautiful women but with this shit I doubt everything I can't even have same sex friends out of fear that it'll be more than platonic. I wouldn't care if I was 10% bisexual and 90% straight because id always be straight over everything I love women even though they make me nervous my response has always been positive. I really REALLY need help I can't live like this I'm not suicidal or anything but I'm extremely depressed it's causing my girlfriend to become distant we don't do nothing sexually even though before this relapse I was craving it all the time cuz of how much I love her. How do I stop this anxiety and doubt? Why is there even anxiety around this? I'm confident enough to say I find men handsome but that's all it is? So why can't I figure this out? No matter how much research the next day I just find myself repeating it trying to solve the big question if I'm gay or not. Even though logically I'm attracted to women exclusively I may have done things growing up as curiosity but crushes have always been women, sexual fantasies always women, women have always made me excited I loved it even growing up I was obsessed with wanting a girlfriend not because of society but because that's what I wanted? A romantic and sexual relationship with a woman. If the cure is to sit with this discomfort why do I have the discomfort in the first place? Because I can find men handsome? But that doesn't make me attracted to them sexually I've never looked at a man and thought "I'd love to have him all to myself and fuck him" I've only said that about women? Groinal responses as well they're a pain in the ass especially when I check porn it's a massive anxiety trap and makes me question shit even though it may cause a physical response I don't like it mentally I want it gone I want this all gone without any doubt. If anyone spent their time reading this thank you. I feel so alone at the moment and isolated with confusion with no one to talk to

I have them constantly. About my loved ones leaving me forever.. and it will hit me when I least expect it, and it’s like a an emotional truck just hit me! I have tried everything my therapist has suggested and these thoughts keep coming. Does anyone have any suggestions on what they do? I have methods when they occur.. but I want methods to keep them away. Thanks.

Hi there! Thank you if you’re taking the time to read this, I’m very appreciative. However, I'm in a circumstance where I'm unsure of the best course of action. I met this guy on a dating app in October and we've been corresponding ever since. I truly, really liked him. For three months, he was the only person Ive been pursuing, and in the first month, he asked what I was looking for? I informed him that I truly liked him, and wanted to him! (even though at first I thought it would just be a cute casual thing) That were initially my intentions when downloading the dating app. The feeling was mutual and we were both greatly into each other. I had already opened up to him about my mental health struggles, and mentioned how I was sent to a hospital because of intrusive thoughts. After three months, I started to feel that we might not be as compatible as I had initially assumed, and I started to lose interest in him, but I never said anything. I was just going to gradually pull away, but I sensed that he was going to ask me to go official with him shortly. So I know for certain that he felt taken aback when I told him that he would end up hating me and how we should stop seeing each other seemingly out of the blue. I handled it harshly because I freaked out. I eventually apologized, after he un-added me on every platform. He said he respected what I thought was best for me, but that I had really hurt him and brought back a lot of his anxiety’s. While he was fighting to stay in contact with me he mentioned that he really cared about me, and how he didn’t wanna lose me. I just feel terrible about my decision and the way I handled it. I also start to wonder if I should reach out and have an in person conversation, because these past 2 days I’ve been sick to my stomach. I know Im confusing, and am curious if I should reach out to him again? But the main reason I left was because I didn’t want to deal with any potential future guilt and rumination and anxiety with the fear of feeling like an evil person and leading someone on. Thanks for reading this far. <3

It’s already been a year from my breakup. I feel a lot better and learned a lot about myself. It’s also been 6 months since we last spoke to each other. I feel like when we stopped speaking to each other became the moment where I finally started feeling all of my emotions more at once. I’m at this period of my life, where I hate to admit I still long for him to reach out to me. I want to get rid of this false hope and want to be more accepting of how over this has been for me. I can’t say I want closure, I think I just want someone to be by my side. I do tend to feel a lot of loneliness but I know this will pass. Any advice on letting go?

Last week I felt very numb towards everything. I didn‘t laugh, I was constantly in my head and got angry pretty easily. On Friday My girlfriend had the plan to visit a bar together with a friend of hers and she asked me to join. I wasn‘t sure because rocd told me, that her friend won‘t like me, but I did it anyways. At the bar my girlfriend left us for a couple minutes and I talked to her friend. I suddenly had extreme panic and the feeling that I would faint, because I feared that I would enjoy talking to her friend more than to my girlfriend. When she came back I was very angry towards her, but It was gone really quick and it changed to an immense feeling of love and affection. The rest of the night I was sitting next to my girlfriend, realizing how much I love that girl. Like usual I couldn’t stop touching her, we had a lot of fun and the morning after I was very compassionate towards her. On the way home I thought how lucky I am to have her and that I would like to marry her one day… 2 days after all the good feelings were gone. She visited me and I felt so numb towards her. I was constantly in my head and checked feelings. I had the feeling, that everytime my compassion towards her flamed up a little bit, but I lost it again by pressuring it to grow more. Yesterday I read something about „I know I love her, because I worry about her“ and of course I thought about all the times I worried about her and when I was a good boyfriend towards her. But Today I woke up with big anxiety and the feeling, that I don‘t care for her. Suddenly I have the thoughts that I can‘t have fun with her, I should probably break up to feel better and all the good times with her never happend. Her voice sounds so different. How can Rocd make this beautiful weekend feel like it never happend. How can it make me doubt, that I was ever happy with her. How can it make me feel like I am certain, that the next time I‘ll see her, I‘ll feel even worse ? How can it make all the things I loved so much about her seem like annoying flaws? I fear that when my rocd tells me „next time you‘ll see her, you will reject her“ and I accept that thought, that it will happen. I feel like if I don‘t control my thoughts and I let them float around, that these things will happen.

I've experienced a fairly wide range of ocd symptoms throughout my life... Contamination ocd, magical thinking, checking window locks, intrusive thoughts about cheating on exams, obsession with praying, several months of chronic guilt when I was 12 for breaking a school rule, body symptoms where I would have to jump, or contort my body, move my head etc. I'm 31 now and started dating a really wonderful woman 4 months ago. We clicked fairly quickly with similar interests, and had been having a really great relationship... a couple of weeks ago we discussed the types of things we would like in our futures e.g. marriage, desire to be parents one day. We found out we both have similar life goals etc. and it felt really great. I've never had so much fun talking with someone, hanging out or been so impressed by their character and compassion. It felt so easy to fall in love once I felt safe. A few days after checking in with one another about life goals, I was having a bit of a stressful night unrelated to the relationship. I visited my gf after her work shift and noticed I was more anxious in my body than usual. We meditated together and then put on a tv show, while I was watching the show I had this thought flash into my head saying "what if you don't love your gf as much as you could, and deep down you are obsessed with women who are white / from the same country as you" the thoughts flashed again the next day, i ruminated and "cancelled out" the thought by thinking of my ex as an example that i would never choose anyone over my gf. the following days i felt consumed by guilt and shame, thinking of myself as xenophobic and obsessed with the idea i am racist. I selfishly confessed to her about everything, without considering what burden it could place on her. i felt like i was lying and she should know the truth but now i feel more selfish for sharing. my gf is south american. we are both white / of european descent but i feel very much aware that she can face xenophobic discrimination where we live). I've been in love before but have never felt so confident about a relationship. She studies psychology and researched ocd the night I told her everything and has been really understanding and supportive. I love her so much and feel so committed, but keep feeling as though I must be xenophobic and even racist due to the problematic nature of the intrusive thought i had. inhave been feeling like I do not deserve her love, or to feel pleasure like reading books or even just enjoying working. my logical mind says of course ocd attacks your values in creative and messed up ways but i can't help but think that's a stretch from typical rocd and maybe i am a really bad person. has anyone ever experienced anything similar or the brain being extra evil / tricky?

This is my first serious relationship and it has been amazing. I love him so much. I have just recently started to have extreme doubts and urges to break up. I cant even be with him without having extreme, horrible panic attacks. I have only been able to be intimate with him twice and during both times it was extremely hard. I feel so disconnected from him and myself. Im driving myself crazy. I want to have him, myself and our love back. I feel like I am just hurting him and I dont deserve him. This is so hard because no matter what you say to yourself to reassure they are just thoughts there is always a what if. Its gotten so bad im staying at my parents and cant do school work. I was only able to be with my boyfriend for 2 hours today before I was on the verge of a panic attack. If you relate please let me know im not alone. I feel so alone and trapped right now.

tried eating some chips after more than a year of avoiding them (fearing something bad will happen if i do) and got extremely anxious so i left gc with my friends for 5 days and forbade myself from texting my wife until tomorrow to “balance” it. this is actually so fucked up but i can’t stop these thoughts, i don’t feel like i’m in control at all

I can’t do this. I feel like I’m never going to have a normal life. I feel like all my friends are being fake to me is this even part of OCD? I just feel like my life is a complete sham. I don’t think I’ll ever have a normal life to where I can be open and honest with people in my life; I’m almost just wanting to delete all social media and go ghost to the world 😢

Have you guys ever been on a couple dates and out of nowhere they say they are not feeling it. Like basically ghost you. My OCD want me to get and answer on what I did wrong or etc. I sent out one message but I am restraining myself to give in my compulsions to find an answer. It’s hurts so much 😢

I’ve been having what I think is relationship ocd. It started the other day when my boyfriend bought a car literally in my sleep. We don’t live together but we talk everyday before bed. He says the opportunity presented itself after I had gone to bed and he went to pick up the car with one of his friends last at night. Now, I always thought him and I communicated very well and clearly with each other. So I was upset that he didn’t even send me a text about his plans to go pick up this car in the middle of the night. A huge fight broke out and it triggered me to feel unsafe and doubtful of my relationship. He never does anything wrong, this was the first thing I could honestly say I was very very very angry about. To some it might not be a big deal but like I said, I thought him and I had good communication habits between ourselves. Since then, I’ve been contemplating whether I even want to be with him or not. Despite loving him. I also felt bad about being harsh with him because again, he’s a really good guy. Anyway, today is my birthday. Because I work today, my boyfriend and my family and I went to celebrate my birthday on Saturday with a brunch. (That’s important to the story) Comes today, my actual birthday, my boyfriend didn’t say anything. No text, no call, no post, nothing. He started talking to me like normal. I then tell him that he seemed to have forgotten what day was today and he said “no I didn’t forget, I’m going to your house later to set up” I then express how unimportant he’s been making me feel and he explained that in his brain he didn’t think of saying happy birthday and forgot to say happy birthday because we celebrated on Saturday. Please help, I’m having really relationship issues and it’s mixing with what I think is relationship ocd.

I was dating this guy for a couple months(we were NOT exclusive.). I had my birthday celebration last weekend where I got super drunk and blacked out, and had sex wigh a guy I met at the club. I told my FWB what happened and he got super upset. He said “sounds like this isn’t the first and second time this has happened and that hurts me.” He’s told me he can’t handle a relationship right now so I don’t know why he’s upset? I didn’t cheat bc I am still single, he knows that. Do I just distance myself from now on? He hasn’t talked to me since

Im having a horrible panic attack right now and have been because of rocd. I feel like a failure and my mom made it even worse. Please help me

I have just stumbled upon this app and am hoping it might help me feel less alone. I was diagnosed with (R) OCD this year and am now realising I have been suffering with OCD my whole life (in varying forms). However, this is the first time it’s causing me this level of distress. I have had a very bad time with men and relationships. Sexual abuse, domestic violence and up until the partner I have now- just being lied to, cheated on and treated terribly. I’m 26, have met the most wonderful man who I have been with for 2 years. My psychologist has supported me with my general recovery from abuse but I do think I will need to see someone who specialises in OCD, as this is the one thing that I can’t seem to crack even with her support and taking SSRIS for many months now. For me, it’s very vivid images of my partner having sex with other women, an intense disgust and judgement over his sexual/relationship past, analysing and ruminating over every word he’s ever told me and a general constant fear that he isn’t who he says he is in some way. I have had a bad couple of days with it, we are currently visiting my parents abroad, something I’ve been looking forward to- and since we’ve arrived I have just felt overcome with fear, doubt, disgust and an overwhelming desire and curiosity to ask him questions about his sexual past and then judge, analyse and continue to question every word. Even as I write this, I can’t let the ruminating and anxiety stop. Dreading him coming up to bed because these feelings build to the point where I feel so low, humiliated and that indescribable pain and fear that is all too familiar with OCD sufferers. The worst thing is he is my life, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and he is nothing but good to me, but those negative scary feelings, thoughts and compulsions are beyond difficult to live with and sustain a relationship and be at peace.

Hey guys, so these past 4 months I had a sudden onset of OCD after a concussion. It first started with HOCD which was super distressing as I’ve been in a 9 year relationship with my girlfriend. It then evolved into transgender OCD, which was horrible as well but it felt easier to disprove my intrusive thoughts. That and of course horrible health anxiety about my head. And it’s funny, as soon as I got comfortable with one topic, the OCD would jump to another. Basically over time I accepted all these negative thoughts about all these topics, so where does my mind go? I had a physical groinal response to an image of an underage person. It freaked me out so much that all day I was obsessing over it, I eventually told my girlfriend as she’s been supportive with me over the other topics. But this…. She’s angry with me, and doesn’t trust me anymore. And she doesn’t understand the groinal response. She did ask to sit in a therapy session with me to help her understand. But that’s about all the communication I’ve gotten from her. I feel so alone. And it’s literally ruining everything I’ve built up with her for the past 9 years. I wish I hadn’t told her. And instead just asked her to join a therapy session with me. Just making this post as I just need someone to talk to.

Idk why OCD has latched onto my sister but she’s my other half & I started comparing us out the blue one day.. and the dogs go to her more so i’ve been feeling so rejected and low.. and my mind said well what if she wasn’t here anymore? i would never harm my sister or ever want to.. i really want to be okay again.. i was just okay a couple weeks ago and now im so sad & scared!

i want to share some examples of my intrusive thoughts (ROCD) - What if i have lost feelings for my boyfriend? - What if we are “too far gone” and cant fix the relationship? - What if we arent meant to be? - I’m feeling weird and distant today, and irritable. Do i hate him? - What if i do hate him? What do i do? - I found someone else attractive. Am i a bad person/being unfaithful? - I can’t stop thinking about the rough patches we’ve had. Should i just end it? - When i try to picture a future with him now, its very hard

hi everyone! i hope y’all are having a good day/night. this is gonna be a really long introduction text, with some questions i’d like you to answer at the end if you have the time :). my partner recommended me this app two months ago, when we found out i have ocd. i installed it right away, but procrastinated even opening it until now, always finding a new excuse, like i do when it comes to anything related to actually fighting “the voices” - as they like to call my ocd thoughts in an attempt to make them lose power. however, this week has been extremely hard, my partner and i have been constantly fighting for a week now over my ocd, as it keeps ruining the relationship, so here i am. i mainly struggle with relationship ocd. however, i’ve seen most people struggle with wondering if they truly love their partner or if they will fall out of love, while i struggle mostly with an intense fear of being abandoned, that has led me to entirely avoid my partner. we’ve been together for 5 years, on and off since until 5 months ago we were doing long distance, and that was extremely hard. we now live together, yet unless they initiate it and ask me if i want to join them, i avoid everything that has to do with them. i have become fully incapable of starting a conversation, entering a room they’re in, asking them anything, etc. planning dates and kissing them is unimaginable. it’s gotten to the point where i’m so in my own head that i don’t see them at all, hurting them over and over again by not catering to their basic needs. i cross clear boundaries in fear of asking them for something, i disregard their own pains and struggles due to being so focused on my own. i don’t listen to what they’re saying because i’m constantly reading between lines to see how what they’re saying relates to me and how it means that they don’t like me and will leave me. i’ve even started falling asleep on the couch because i’m so scared of going to bed and them not wanting me there. i compulsively lie all the time in an attempt to hide my mistakes and compulsions. the list can keep going forever, the fear of abandonment always takes over no matter what, and i always have a “reason” (excuse) for it. they’ve begged me to get help so many times, and at this point i don’t think we’re gonna survive this, as i don’t think im gonna get better enough to stop hurting them this badly in time. if it wasn’t me in this relationship, as their best friend, i would’ve told them to break up with their partner already, because this is no way to live for them. i started taking fluvoxamine 50mg two months ago, and im just now starting to see an ERP therapist, we’re gonna come up with an exposure plan next tuesday. i’m not fully sure what im looking for in this app as i feel like it’s mainly therapy focused, but i could use some advice, on both how to stop listening to the countless excuses ocd keeps coming up with to avoid stopping the compulsions, and to fully commit to ERP for it to be efficient from the start. and also - how long did it take for you to start noticing actual results with ERP? what are some things you would tell someone that’s just starting? any advice to do this as efficiently as possible? what’s something you would’ve done differently? and an extra question for those who started off in a similar place to me - what did your exposure plan look like? i don’t really know what to expect (though maybe sitting with that uncertainty is good) and really need this to work. if you made it to the end - thanks for reading, and you got this! you’re doing amazing <3