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Haven’t tested myself in a week maybe now my mind is trying to see if I like it now what do I do

Why can't I figure this out and why when I try to it makes me feel like I am gay? I feel so depressed I was starting to be myself again and I was so happy even got a girlfriend and was working out and about to get a job too but now it's all lost I hav wno motivation to do anything, when I check gay porn I get aroused, when I imagine scenarios no matter what I get aroused I guess I've lost. I've never been homophobic or saw it as wrong but I also was never interested in men I always had crushes and fantasized about women and wanting to only be with women but now it feels like I can't even do that. I'm also noticing men alot more now too as handsome or pretty boy faced and it's making me feel even more in denial ): I fucking hate this so much I would do anything to go back to my comfortable happy self who was straight and girl crazy. I really hope this isn't all real I don't want any of this i just want to be straight not because of society but that's what made me the happiest and most fulfilling version of myself. I just don't understand why it all feels so real? Why I can't no matter what have certainty that stops me from checking? Why does porn cause arousal? Why do I notice men alot more? Even now I still don't want sex or a relationship especially a relationship because the thought of being intimate with a man isn't something I want and would make me uncomfortable and sex causes arousal but it's not something I want unlike women I desire it I want it. It makes me feel all fuzzy and good inside.

I was offline for a long time and a lot happend. So I'm going to tell you all my OCD in my case my SOCD and ROCD story. Yes I have Ocd. Yes I have Anxiety. Yes I struggeld imensly with HOCD but I am a LOT better now. My sickness doesnt define me and it took a lot of time to accept that, becouse OCD is full of doubt. Im going to tell you my Story in Hopes, that it will help someone get through this. I have OCD and ADHD both ilnesses just got diagnosed two years ago but I had symptoms my whole childhood. I got extremly anxious when something out of the ordinary happend, like an unplanned visit or somethingwas not placed were it had bern before, but also so exited that something new was Happening that I couldnt sit still. Having OCD and ADHD for me is like being pulled from two sides. It's being scared of everything but also so impulsive that I think I need to do all the compulsions. That means in my childhood years I was just confused I'm imensly attracted to men but when I had thoughts that I could have a crush on a close friend of mine I was just confused. I didn't really felt anything romantic but had a fear that I could have. But to this time my ADHD wasn't medicated and that meant my OCD wasn't in the front so my imupulsivity didn't allow me to have longer thoughts or actions. My OCD started getting worse with my ADHD medication. It was the time that I got together with my now fiance and I had constant fears like "what if I didn't love him","what if he is not the one for me" and I asked EVERYONE in my close proximity for validation. That I'm not doing something wrong. That I'm not a bad person. But one day OCD hit me so hard I almost couldn't breath. Like I mentioned earlier I always had a fear about the topic "what if I'm a lesbian" and one day in my mother's house the thought came and didn't want to go. I was so anxious, filled with shame, scared and terrified becouse I know I'm not a homosexual woman.Simultaneously came the thought if I didn't want to be gay that has to mean I'm homophobic. I'm not a lesbian, I'm not homophobic but this thoughts, urges, mental images and "feelings" made my life the past two years a living hell. I started checking my arousal constantly, started trying to picture myself as a lesbian, started being scared of rainbows, women and men and just about the possibility of living a lie wich I knew I didn't. But still I was so full of doubt that I spend days doing compulsions and just didnt had the courage to stop, I started masturbating to lesbian media to see if I get turned on, watching WLW tiktoks to check my arousal and making every am I gay guiz and video I could find but still after this, and not knowing why I was doing this, now I know that they were compulsions, this little spark of "yeah I did something to prevent my sexuality from changing" but still feeling extremly anxious all the time and full of doubt made me do them all the time. I didn't know I had OCD back then so it was more scary but soon I found what was "wrong" with me. I searched on the Internet for quizzes and just answers when I stumbled over an article that informed about a subtype of OCD ,SOCD. After reading that article I had a light-bulb moment, one that I feared I would get while watching lesbian media but never got. After knowing what's "wrong" with me things didnt get easier, I was close to losing my boyfriend who I love dearly and losing a job I had got two months. The compulsions and this doubt didn't seem to stop. I talked with my psychiatrist about my "ilness" and she confirmed to me that I have indeed OCD and I just felt numb, I thought I would be happy but I was just sad. I broke my boyfriends heart multiple times by asking if he thinks I love him and questioning everything our relationship, our sexlive and our future. I spend so much time analysing my arousal and attraction to women and men that I almost was "sure" that I'm lesbian and just wanted to be done with it. I didn't want to be so anxious so every outcome was "fine" for me. I wouldn't be happy as a lesbian because I don't like the female genitalia and am a suckered for Men but I just was tired. Tired of doubting my love, my sexuality and my whole existence. But somehow, I m not really sure how, it all got better. After losing my Job and needing to go to the JobCenter, something in my head made "click". Me and my boyfriend were now together for three years and have experienced so much hardships, beauty and fun that I went to the next jewellery shop and bought two rings and asked him to be my husband. I had a massive anxiety attack after that, that made my OCD head spin with questions like, was this the right time, do I even want him and so on. But I am so imensly thankful that I have such a cool, attractive, annoying and hilarious fiance and even if my had thinks Im doubting seeing him in our new forever home is a sight so beautiful that I never thought I would have the honour to see. I still struggeld with OCD months after that and still do but after getting a new job and a new place to live with my fiance I feel really better now. I don't want to say you need to find a fiance, a new job, and a new home to beat OCD you just need to find your spark again, something that drives you wild. I still question if listening to songs produced by homosexuals means I'm gay, even if I know it's bullshit. I'm still scared of not checking my arousal and fearing of missing a sign that would totally kill me if it were true. I really think we people with OCD must just accept, "Yes, I have OCD and yes I have and will have massive anxiety over my subtype of OCD but it's just me. I have full control even if my head tries to tell me otherwise". OCD doest define me and it doesn't define you. It probably will never go away and "HECKYEAH!!" after almost beating my HOCD I can almost feel my other type of OCD rising, my constant fear of sickness and death but I'm prepared. I know myself a whole lot better now and even if it sounds strange writing the words "lesbian", "gay", "homosexual" still triggers me so much that I want to dii compulsions, that I want to check if I feel something I'm not going to do it and most importantlyI dont need to. OCD changed me but not in the way I thought and feared it would. I now can say I don't care about what my sexuality is and about labels becouse I just love a Human that happens to be the most attractive man I've ever seen, with all my heart and cant imagine a live without him in it. I feel really happy and grateful I finally can talk my friends again without constantly fearing that I want to sleep with them and finding woman beautiful without thinking I'm not straight. I'm still not 100% there yet and I'll probably never will but that's okay. We don't need to have everything figured out. Yes, I have OCD. Yes, I have ADHD. And yes, I struggeled and still struggle with HOCD but that doesn't define me. We people with OCD know that our fears are just in our heads. I just wish everyone that read this far, wich I know are going to be a LOT of immensly anxious, scared and confused individuals that want an answer NOW, IMMEDIATELY, or I will die this second and even if this second passes its the next second and so on. You know yourself better than OCD ever will. I can only say. I've been there, I know how hard it is and knowing, no-one else in my close range thinks like this, to think I'm going insane and feeling like a total outcast because the compulsions and thought, pictures, "feelings" and urges just dont seem to stop and sadly they probably never will. OCD can come from your GENES, trauma or something else. But that isn't important you have it and you can live with it. I wasted two years on OCD in trying to figure out a question which I had an answer to my whole life but the "what ifs made" me so terrified that I could lose myself that I did so much compulsions I didn't do anything else. But belive me if you feel immens pressure in your chest and tummy and anxiety it is OCD. And please for the love of God, sorry I m passed becouse I found this out, really late and it's just really funny and dumb. If you have a thought that starts with "What if" Or ""I'm so scared that" And doenst go away and wants you to do research or other compulsions. This is probably OCD. Don't use this as a compulsion. Fear is never good in giving direction. And please, please remember. You are still here on this planet and live a live that could end in a heart beat. I really don't know who is reading this and I also don't care. If you read this, this is for you. My complete OCD Story that will go on for the rest of my life but never will stop me or you from being happy. Go out, have fun, meet friends, fall in love or dont but just put your phone and thoughts aside and live. OCD is a sickness and has patterns find yours and learn about yourself. I have OCD and when you read that far you probably to but don't let our sickness define us. Let's live the best live we can even if we feel anxious and want to check everything you font need to have everything figured out. Trust in yourself, You are a strong Human but I know it takes time. Just remember that whoever reads this if you don't belive that you can live a happy live with OCD than be sure that I belive in you. I have OCD. I have ADHD. But even if I have them. I'm still myself and even if it's still hard I love myself. And I strongly belive in you, whoever reads this and that your big and scary OCD monster will get smaller. Till then make fun of yourself, make fun of OCD, Bully the Bully, don't take yourself so seriously and just relax. I have a lot to do today so I should really stop writing... But just one last point. Search professional help. If you are to deep in OCD it's the best thing ib getting the hold and medications help. I really wish all of you the best.

Today as soon as I opened my eyes this morning, my mind was being hammered with uncontrollable images and scenes of same-sex friends and relatives performing sexual acts on me and me doing it on them. Like, I couldn't even sleep afterwards because these thoughts kept me awake. My body started reacting to them, making me feel viscerally that I would enjoy those experiences. I felt like I wanted to have sex with every same-sex person I laid my eyes upon the entire day. On the streets, on TV, you name it... Jesus freaking Christ, why??????? This is so irritating! My OCD has gone meta and it feels incredibly hard to see through all this BS. It's gotten to a point where I feel extremely jealous of people who don't have to put up with this nonsense that I've been dealing with for 12 freaking years since I was 14. I see couples on the street, all my siblings are married and have kids. In fact, my brother got married last week and my sister is expecting another baby. I guess I should be happy for them and deep down I am, but when will I get to experience these things without OCD interfering? Most of the people around the world are straight, it's all natural to them and they don't have to to put up with this mental tonture to make a case for their heterosexuality, but I do? 12 years with HOCD and these thoughts, images and urges are starting to feel ego-syntonic to me now. I'm so done.

i don’t want to be gay as i’ve always imagined life with a husband and have been attracted to guys since elementary. i don’t think i had any ocd tendencies before this. i just woke up one day and was like what if im not straight. i just want to know for sure if i am. does this sound like ocd

It's so hard for me to stop arguing with my thoughts?

Waking up “normal” or without anxiety is always the scariest. I’ve become so used to fighting, maybe the Sertraline is starting to kick in or I’m tired. I’m looking for the feelings of disgust or fear, I guess they were my compulsions. Is this the backdoor spike? Is this what recovery looks like? The days vary, yesterday I felt a tightness in my chest and started crying in a public place saying my usual compulsion “I want to be with a man” over and over. Wondering if I’ll live with this theme forever and be able to get married and have a family with a man like I always wanted. I’ve been able to live a semi-normal life even before or after my diagnosis after the episodes but being in the thick of it feels impossible. The thoughts and images along with compulsions play on loop 24/7. When I’m awake, when I’m asleep. Trying to remember what it was like to dream and go on with my day. No matter how much reassurance or articles, it’s not enough. I hate how OCD doesn’t respond to logic. Trying my best to live the life I lived before even when OCD screams at me that I’m lying and in denial. I’ve gone through this theme a few times, but each time feels like I’m experiencing it the first time.

Here's the full story I was fine no ocd no problems whatsoever march last year, then I had soocd where for 5 months ish I thought I was gay,bisexual and stuff but didn't know it was ocd, had chronic anxiety 24/7 and bad intrusive thoughts but it was bearable cause if I was gay I was gay, then out of nowhere pocd that's when I started to learn about ocd, again the same as my last theme but bearable again to the point where after a month of this i literally stopped thinking and obssesing. 4-5 months no triggers no symptoms I was recovered but then again pocd came back with the exact same symptoms intrusive thoughts and bad anxiety then it morphed and introduced worse problems like false attraction, gronials came back, for a few days urges, the whole package I've been in a cycle since November of a bad 2 weeks good 2 weeks bad 2 weeks good 2 weeks. Where symptoms came symptoms went and go less, now the symptoms are seem to be going the anxiety been gone for a while me panicking being Depressed about it seems to be stopping the feeling of being a p kinda there it's almost like it's true almost like this isn't ocd anymore the only thing keeping me going is the fact 3 months ago I was fine and was symptomless and my whole life up until the summer I had no thinking pattern to kids didn't care really at all apart for my summer job at a park serving drinks and stuff to kids while they play and go on the rollercoasters and stuff. Now I'm like I don't care my brain feels like I don't care I intentionally try think of a bad situation to see how I react I still react with like a spark of anxiety and spasm of no don't like this but idk Derealisation hasn't helped idk if I'm just having a horrible time rn or just idk someone please what are you guys thoughts

Hello, I have struggled with sexual OCD on and off for 4 years. I’ve gone through therapy but I never finished it, my therapist ended up leaving NOCD and I never went to a different one. My OCD really isn’t that bad right now but I still struggle with little things: checking my attraction, seeking reassurance, ruminating. I really don’t feel like I’m struggling enough to go to therapy again but I’m honestly just so sick of feeling on edge. My compulsions are automatic and it’s difficult for me to stop them. Does anyone have any advice on how to tie up those loose ends of recovery? Thank you 💞

when did ocd start for everyone? i remember having some small like perfection things like if i didn’t close my eyes and fall asleep at a certain number then i would die. but at age 12 hocd started and i got groinal repsonsss,guilt,everything. it slowed down then in august picked up at full speed and its awful.

why me why me that’s the question I ask myself every day every moment every minute every second of my life, my sexual orientation, obsessive compulsive disorder has been driving me crazy, I don’t know what to do no OCD for session is $170 and I live in UK. I am living in on benefits I can’t pay $170 for each session and I really need my OCD therapy like that way. I don’t like girls that way I don’t like girls that as the question I asked or rather say to myself every day every minute every second every second I get I only love love boys love men why is it so hard for my OCD to understand that? I don’t have a clue. Please can you help me I’m not asking for reassurance but I like to put everything in a writing message, so I can be with the unwanted thoughts I get about my sexuality, generally hate girls in that way my urges, my images and my unwanted thoughts are killing me right now

For as long as i can remember i have always been boy crazy. I have always had crushes on men, had sexual interactions with them, etc. I’ve never thought about a woman in that way. I remember around 2021 I had a “what if I were gay?” thought but after around a week it went away. Now the thought is back but 100x worse. Mid December 2023 i suddenly got the thoughts again. I can’t really pinpoint what triggered it, but it may have been the TV show I was watching. In the show a woman around her 30’s dated men and even married one but then all the sudden ended up marrying a woman later on. I starting to think “what if that happens to me?” I couldn’t fall asleep for days and would cry throughout the day. I eventually told my mom about this as I kept having anxiety attacks and she said well if you don’t only like men then that’s ok. But the thing is that I want to like men. I’ve always imagined my life with a husband and kids. I don’t understand how something like this could happen basically overnight. I used started therapy for my anxiety but how do I bring this topic up? Does anyone who has soocd/hocd think this sounds like ocd or could I really just be in denial. My days now consist of these persistent thoughts. I’m always on here or reddit/quora looking up my symptoms to see if anyone else feels the same. i don’t wanna feel like this anymore. i wanna go back to november when i didn’t have these thoughts. I’m still having the thoughts about a month later but the anxiety isn’t as bad which is making me feel worse. i feel like i should be more anxious considering i want to be straight. this isn’t me.

So I have been in therapy/medication for half a year now and I can safely say that it has changed my life for the better! 😄 I want to share some of my experience and advice ❤️ I know it might not work for everyone. 1. Think about your life and how you want to live it you are the only one that can decide how. When a intrusive thought comes and you want to do a compulsion you have a decision 👊 do you want to live the rest of your life in misery? Or live a free life with a calmer mind? Personally I realized that compulsions = bullshit life. I know it's hard to give up doing compulsions but you know it's going to spiral down into a dark hole so why not try something different for once? 2. Do some research on LGBTQ not as a compulsion but to have a bigger understanding of it. What helped me was that I realized that sexuality is a bigger spectrum than I thought 😯 I realized I couldn't be 100 percent sure bc it actually was impossible 🤷‍♂️ you could be a little or a lot. I found some peace in that I don't have to put myself in a box it's alot more fluid than you think. 3. This one is a little tricky bc it totally goes against my ocd but I try to be okay with the thoughts almost "force" myself to not make a big deal out of it and continue living the life I want! This one is maybe for people further into treatment. 4. Keep reminding yourself that life is a gift explore it as much as you can there is so much more to life than figuring out your sexuality I know people nowadays make it into a big deal but it really is not maybe you will figure it out? or maybe not? Things happen when it's time for it to happen. But remember you will be okay ❤️ don't waste it on ocd☹️ it's not worth it. You are the master of your own life! I wish for everyone suffering with this theme to keep fighting and finally find peace in the unknown all the love to all of you 💗💗

My ocd feels like my brain is convinced I am something that I don’t want to be, or never wanted to be. Even to the point it’s convincing that I like it, or want it, and I’m in denial for not accepting it. Since my first big theme (10 years ago) it feels like I’ve never been myself since. It feels like I’m unable to feel pleasure, excitement, drive for life. Either I’ve lost the ability or my brain says you have to figure this out before you can. It feels like a constant anxiety feeling in my stomach or back of my mind. It goes from mildly noticeable to full blown panic, but never fully leaves. It feels inevitable that it comes in the morning. Anyone else?

Not good today! I’ve been struggling with the thoughts again after having a little bit where I was managing. Just saw an advert of a woman putting on lipstick and it really triggered me looking at her lips like I felt a rush in my body and aroused and then a thought like being with a woman it what you really want….that’s why you’ve not been happy with your ex and why you have lost the attraction to men and find dating scary 🙈🙈I hate this! It was like a rush of excitement but made me feel so panicky and sick cause I don’t want that! I want to be with a man and have more kids! I’ve always wanted romance with a man! Sex now scares me cause of all the anxiety like it’s telling me I enjoy sex with a woman more but that’s not what I want! I used to like sex with men but I’ve always been more of a romantic than a sexual person HELP 😫

I feel so disconnected from myself. Like everything I’ve ever been happy and comfortable with has been a lie. I don’t know what and what not to believe anymore. I feel like I’m straight/bi now. I keep having these thoughts that tell me “you’ll get with a man and like it. You know it” and I hate it. I hate the groinal response I get with sexual intrusive thoughts too. I try to keep in mind that attraction is supposed to feel good and natural, but OCD tricks me into thinking that the hypotheticals DO feel good. Just never natural. I hate it.

It’s so hard to deal with the conflicting feelings that come up. It’s hard but sometimes I’m able I to feel love for my bf again and want to continue being with him, I enjoy our intimacy and the bond we share, but my mind keeps screaming at me that something’s wrong and I don’t want to be with him 😭 that I wouldn’t be happy with him in the future even though everytime we’re together I never want to leave or have it be over. Everytime I try to envision myself with a woman the fact that’s there’s no anxiety and feels calm to think about is so scary to the fact that I’m anxious when I think about a future w my bf and it feels like it’s not what I want:(

I’ve been dealing with OCD for quite some time, and have had plenty of themes come and go. Some lasting years and some months. I have three major themes that still haunt me. They’re this constant dread of death, my moral dilemma of if I’m a good person, and recently my gender identity as a man. They all tie into each other and I more or less look at them as evolved forms of “conquered” themes. Like my self harm, Sexual Orientation, and pedophilic/assault themes. Death is a hard thing to accept though and I no longer have too many intrusive about harming myself or others for that matter because I’m constantly afraid of death. I don’t feel like a good person for my constant compulsions and compulsive behavior. I feel weak to them. I give in to my constant googling and forum browsing. I know for a fact I ask for reassurance constantly. I question my own sexuality and gender identity quite often because I’m not sure if I’m a good man and how could I prove that I am? I have a lot of compulsive regrettable and more importantly unproductive sexual encounters to make me feel like 1. I’m not gonna die 2. I can do something with my life that isn’t destructive 3. I’m a man doing my duty. Now for the gender identity portion of this I wanna make it clean that I love people from the LGBTQ+ community and support them 1000% but I feel like I’m a horrible person for being anxious and uncomfortable with these thoughts because nothing’s wrong with being gay or trans y’know?It’s either what if I’m in denial or what if I’m being too feminine y’know the whole “what ifs” thing? I don’t wanna die, I wanna be a good person. I am genuinely just scared, I just wanna live and not have the noise so loud. I mean I have panic attacks constantly. I try not to ruminate but it’s an ugly battle. It seems to me that my OCD flares up moth to month like I’ll have a good month of manageable intrusive thoughts but then the next moth I just decay. You know how many times I’ve scanned my mind just to find proof for and against all these themes? I’m sure some people can relate. OCD has made my life so isolated and I hate myself for that. I’m sorry for all the words, I’m just a mess right now. If you read this far I appreciate you so much.

So I’ve had this recent obsession that has made me upset. It’s basically an obsessing about blushing… when you’re young and see your crush people tend to blush for example, but people can also blush in situations of feeling embarrassed, anxious, joyful, excited, happy, nervous, feeling flattered etc… I am in a committed relationship and love my man immensely, ocd has been putting these thoughts/ideas of what if I blushed at someone and trying to make it seem like it’s a romantic/sexual/crush type thing… which I feel is making me very hyper focused on blushing… like it’s just making me uncomfortable because though I know we have no control over blushing, ocd saying to me I’m going to or have blushed over people because they’re attractive while I’ve been with my partner - makes me extremely uncomfortable!!! As I said blushing comes from lots of different emotions, it does not always mean you’re romantically/sexually interested in someone? I know this is kind of reassurance but can someone explain to me it is possible to experience blushing from multiple emotions and just because I see an attractive person doesn’t mean I’m going to blush over seeing someone attractive?? Like I blush when I smile (I have naturally very pale skin and redness in my cheeks a bit, and I find even smiling can trigger blushing)… I also go quite red from being anxious or embarrassed. I’m not in highschool and don’t have “crushes” on anyone, I am in a committed relationship and don’t want to feel I would be “blushing” over someone that’s not my bf in the way I would blush over my bf??? If that makes sense? Sorry I know this is so far fetched but I’ve been obsessing for days and trying to work on not confessing to my partner. Wanted to come on here to ppl who know what I’m going through and maybe see if anyone has any advice for me in this situation? I have started therapy but only see him once a fortnight and he isn’t an ocd specialist…

Up until who knows when, i was always straight and showed no signs of being gay, and this is what i know for sure. I do not remember what its like being attracted to girls anymore, it has been so long, i do not know what i want at this point. I do not know what is hocd or what isnt anymore, i feel like i have been so worried about being gay for so long that i dont even feel the symptoms of hocd anymore. People say “if you feel like being gay ruins your image” or “if you get anxiety when thinking gay thought or feeling gay feelings, then you are not gay and that is false attraction” but i dont feel anxiety anymore with those, i feel anxiety when thinking about being in relationships with women now, idrk if it is being gay that does that or being hurt by past relationships so much that it does. I cant tell what feeling is what or anything. I know i was feeling what people say are signs of being straight at some point but i do not anymore. The feeling of being gay and gay feelings or thoughts are overtaking me and its like i am gay at this point but i just dont want to be and i dont know why i dont want to be anymore. I just need advice and i dont know what to do.