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Why has all my other OCD subtypes gone away but this one (SOOCD) stays around 24/7!? Does that mean that’s who I actually am?

I hate that 2 words can make me spiral downhill. A simple “What if I don’t like girls anymore” or “What if I’m not always interested in looking at revealing photos of Women.” It’s so silly. I’m the type of guy who loves providing and protecting a woman and I don’t do hook ups. As much as I find women in revealing clothing attractive, I find myself constantly daydreaming (non sexually) if I see a beautiful woman that I want to pursue. I love being in love with a woman. It makes me feel really happy and it just feels like OCD is taking that away from me. The more I overthink and ruminate on What If thoughts, the more it feels like I’m turning gay, even though I know that’s not how sexuality works. I want to be with a woman romantically and I want to marry a woman. If I catch myself scrolling too fast on a girl in cleavage, I’ll think I’m gay 🤦🏻‍♂️ or if I stare at a guys face in a video for a certain amount of seconds instead of the woman , I’ll think “oh no I’m turning.” Like I feel I’m the only one who has these ridiculous ocd thoughts

OCD is so tiring. I’ve been dating this guy for about 3 months. I reallyyyyy like him. However, it’s also been so exhausting because I’m constantly questioning the relationship, and him. “Is this who God want a for me?” “Is there someone better?” “Do I even like him?” “If someone is good for you, you will be at peace” “Is this OCD or discernment” “follow your gut” I’m just constantly looking for answers! I can’t just be present. I know my upbringing may be apart of this. Im Christian, but my walk with Christ is not perfect. Ive fallen short to temptation and I feel like because of that the relationship won’t work or God is punishing me. Im constantly praying or thinking about what God thinks of me. Probably a compulsion. Which hurts as well because I used to be able to pray freely…if that makes sense. However, this has happened before. I leave someone then I start obsessing over something else. My sexuality or my health or if I have OCD or not. This relationship is still essentially new but this is the first relationship I’ve been open about my mental health struggles. And, I didn’t feel judged. But, my mind is saying if we breakup. I will be happy. I also get triggered by Instagram posts about relationships. It’s apart of my algorithm at this point, but I feel like any post I see is a sign?? It’s just so annoying. Sorry I’m all over the place, but that’s how it feels in my mind. I just need to get these thoughts out. I just want to be content with whatever happens.

I know I need therapy. I have a flare up every three months that rocks my world— it’s been like this for four years. I’m just too scared. I’m too scared to have a therapist tell me I’m a lesbian. I’m too scared to do ERP and have it not work because it wasn’t actually OCD. I’m too scared for the ERP to work and me finally feel comfortable with being bisexual or a lesbian. I don’t want any of that to happen. I don’t understand how I can get over this and still be straight. I’m petrified at the thought of therapy, but what is going to happen to me?

It is currently 12:51am and I am really worried about the false memories I have in relation to my friend and there are several of them all containing her that are very detailed, very vivid, and feel very real, they feel like other genuine memories that I have, they feel the exact same which is more worrying. I keep trying to tell myself that the more I ruminate over these memories and try to find arguments and reasons as to why they’re more likely to be untrue false memories that my brain has conjured up, the more arguments my brain will come up with as to why they’re real, which in turn makes them more real. I keep trying to tell myself that nothing positive or beneficial comes from trying to figure out whether these false memories are true or not, and that by checking them will only make me feel “worse”. I keep trying to acknowledge the thoughts when they appear and not push them away, but just sit with them and I can’t. I feel awful, sad, bad, gross and it makes me so upset and I want to cry. I don’t want to have done anything sexual whether it is appropriate or inappropriate with this individual, and I especially don’t want any of these false memories to be true, and I hope to god they’re false memories but I’m worried and fear they’re not (I hope this is just my OCD saying all of that) I’m worried they’re not false memories because they’re so detailed, vivid, obscure and intricate. There’s aspects to these false memories that don’t feel like something OCD would be able to come up with. The more I think about them the more I’m worried and feel like they’re just actual memories that I’m suppressing and pushing away, or actual memories that I’m just trying to dismiss by passing them off as OCD false memories to make myself appear or look innocent, does that make sense? They’re very graphic, disgusting and disturbing inappropriate actions that I am worried I have committed. I want to type it out here but I worry from the simple fact that I am able to type out what the event is within the first place, like the fact it is something I can picture and detail in words here would indicate to me that it has happened otherwise how else am I telling you about it right now? In short, what I can disgustingly remember is performing oral sex on my friend. I can remember the setting, what she was wearing, what was on the television in the background. What is even more disturbing and extremely worrying to me, is this very specific and intricate detail which makes me worry that this memory is indeed real and not a false memory (which I really want it to be) I want all of the sexual memories I have in relation to this person to be false memories that have been created and formed by my OCD and don’t actually have any basis in reality, and haven’t actually happened. The reason this is seriously worrying me is because there is a very intricate and detailed part of the memory that feels too complicated and complex for OCD to simply “come up with”, and feels more like something that actually happened, hence why I can remember this detail. I want to type out the detail and word it but I’m scared too because by typing it out it makes it feel more real and like it actually happened, because otherwise how do I have a recollection of it to type out within the first place? Does that make sense? What’s making this even more worrying and believable to me, and I feel overwhelmed and upset typing out this sentence, is that while I am and do identity as a straight woman, I have had a consensual sexual experience with another woman before, which is why for me it’s even harder to dismiss these memories as being false memories. For example, if I had never had a sexual experience with another woman before, I would easily be able to say “Well this is obviously and very clearly a false memory because I have never even done anything sexual with a woman consensually, let alone inappropriately” but I can’t say that, which is why to me these false memories are very plausible because all I can think is “Well you have had a sexual experience with a woman before, you’re clearly attracted to the female body sexually, it isn’t impossible for you to have done those acts in the past and they’re actually even MORE likely now”, which is why it’s even scarier for me and does feel like something that is more likely to have happened now, does that make sense? It feels a lot more believable because that is an action that I easily could’ve done given consent to do so.  I am just really, really worried. I remember at the time when I first started worrying about these fears in relation to this person (like 5 years ago) I remember messaging her as I had her on instagram, and I sent her a message to test what she would responsd/ reaction would be, which ended up being a pretty normal response. During the timeframe after the false memory takes place, she sent me instagram reels, liked posts I made and also at one point asked me if I’d like to hang out and that she would be down to drive to me, but I declined at the time and I can’t remember why, which is also worrying.  Since the time the false memory took place, I hadn’t seen her in person or really spoken to her over text aside from the occasional “Hey how are you?” and sending each other instagram reels. However, back in April I bumped into her for and saw her for the first time since like 4 years ago. The whole time I was shaking in fear, I felt so scared and anxious and my legs wouldn’t stop trembling the entire interaction. At first I was very on guard to look out for any signs of discomfort or hostility from her, which I can’t tell if I actually did find or if that’s just how she converses now.  Anyway, at the end of the interaction she gave me a hug, said to me “Girl I missed you” and it seemed sincere. She also asked me for my social media’s. I told her I don’t have social media anymore (which is true) but that I can give her my number instead, which she added into her phone. I then proceeded to leave and was panicking the entire time after the interaction, fearing that any moment she was going to send me a text message either asking me to meet up with her (where she would then confront me about the false memories, therefore confirming they’re real) or just send me a text message confronting me about the false memories, again confirming that they’re real. These particular fears were still present between the months of March and September, the only reason the fears stop here is because I bought a new phone and received a new number, meaning my friend no longer has my up to date mobile number. Every time my phone beeped I was panicked it was going to be her, I was anticipating an angry message.   This panicked me for a multitude of reasons,  on most days I was anticipating a confrontational message only to never receive anything from her, but isn’t that even more alarming and worrying? Isn’t that even more evidence that I in fact did commit those actions and that they’re not false memories? Why would she take my number and then never bother to text it, not even a hello? Maybe it is because she was just taking my number to be polite in the moment but didn’t actually want it because I make her uncomfortable and she doesn’t actually like me because the false memories are true and happened. I keep trying to tell myself that this doesn’t necessarily mean the false memories are true because: * a) she had me on instagram for years after the false memories took place and she never messaged me or “confronted” me on there either, so why would she message me now? * b) I have many peoples phone numbers that I wouldn’t actually text or bother to speak with. for example I have a few peoples numbers in my phone now that I can tell you with 99.9% certainty I will probably never text again, but not because they’ve done anything wrong to me, I just don’t see the point because they’re not in my life anymore.  I’m just so so worried. I am sitting here right now and my face feels numb and twitchy, and so do my eyes. My stomach keeps turning and tightening and I feel “strange”. I feel like this entire note is just me being in denial and actively choosing to lie and pass off these terrible disgusting actions (that my brain says I know I’ve done and just don’t want to admit it) as OCD and calling them a false memory as to not take accountability for them.  I am really terrified that these false memories aren’t false memories and that they actually happened and I’m just in denial about them. They feel so so real and I can remember them like the back of my hand, which only worries me more. I don’t want any of the sexual memories I have in relation to this individual to be true. I don’t want to have done anything remotely sexual to / with this individual, whether inappropriate or appropriate. When I say to myself or my partner “I don’t know whether or not I have done anything sexual to / with her” it feels like I’m lying, my body feels weird and so does my face. When I say that phrase I feel like I’m lying to myself and my family and that I’m just in denial and don’t want to admit it to myself. That’s what it genuinely feels like and I don’t know why. I am really upset and I don’t want to have done anything sexual to / with her. Whenever I’m outside I am genuinely terrified of bumping into her because I fear she’s going to “confront me” (understandably so) and confirm to me that what I’m hoping are just OCD fabricated false memories, aren’t false memories at all, but in fact something that has actually occurred in reality. However, I also worry that that sounds incredibly selfish and vile because the main persons feelings here who should matter is the individual that has been harmed, and that’s what I’m worried I have done :( I don’t know how to cope or what to do. If I found out I had committed those disgusting acts and they were indeed real, I wouldn’t want to live, because I don’t want to live knowing I was able to do those unforgivable actions towards someone. I am so so scared, I really don’t want to have done anything to this person and I’m terrified I’m lying about it and in denial. Even now as I type these sentences I feel strange and that every word I’m typing is just me falling further and further into denial and running with the life to try and make myself feel better.  However, if I did know I had committed these actions / false memories, then why would I also be having thoughts to “check to see whether I’ve carried out these actions”. As in, if these were actions I KNEW I had done and was actively choosing to lie about them, then why would I also be having thoughts to check if I’ve done said behaviours? Does that make sense? Do you think I’m lying when I say I’m not sure whether I have done anything to / with her? Do you think I have done those disgusting acts to / with her? Do you think those false memories are false memories fabricated by OCD, or do you think they’re real and did in fact occur?

My life has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.

My pocd is so bad, even hearing a child talk in another room makes me wonder if I could be attracted to it's voice. I constantly remind myself that I've only ever liked crushing on people who are my age or older than me but it doesn't help since it's a compulsion. I'm just so tired of the groinals making me feel like I like these thoughts. My ocd turns everything into something sexual and I just feel hypersexual. My ocd is with me every minute of the day. I try to read, I try to work put, I want to make some food, none of it works. I'm constantly on the edge and I feel so bunt out yet I accomplish absolutely nothing. I want to read a book on universalism, I can't concentrate because I am scared I could harm someone I love. I can't sleep in my own bed cause my sister lives on the same floor as me and I need to stand up a dozen times to check if she's on the floor, standing there. My tired brain convinces me I just stood up and harmed her. I go to bed at 10pm and Fall asleep maybe at 2. I'll move out soon and I try to make it work but I'm not sure I can do this anymore

This might be a little bit silly, but bare with me— I’m watching My Little Pony, and I did it so that I can expose myself to my triggers, and try my best not to do compulsions. And I did well, but I also would fail without noticing… doesn’t matter What this post is about, is that my brain will keep on calling spike “h0t” ,, it will make me feel like he is, usually I would ignore this and not really care, or be a little bit spooked, but not care. But This time …I’m actually genuinely freaked out. Because I’m worried if I agreed with it. Because I got the thought and feeling, and then another feeling that made me feel like I agreed with it, I don’t know if I purposely felt this or my brain purposely felt this, I don’t know anymore, I really wasn’t paying attention enough to know which one was which.. and I’m scared that I did something wrong… all I know is that the feeling of feeling that I am attracted to him is really strong like that, like convincing strong, so I could’ve got another feeling that was convincing like that, yes. But I’m just worried that I agreed with it. I could’ve agreed with it, but not realize what it really was. All I know is I wouldn’t genuinely agree to something like that. All I can remember, is it giving me the thought and feeling, then heard my head go “yeah I agree with us” also got the feeling that I agree with it. And I can’t even test to know this either. Because I honestly can’t always tell my voices apart. But when I tested it, it doesn’t sound like me. But still, I still believe but if it was me. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I just wish this wasn’t so hard. Why do I always always believe that I would say something being disgusting, when I would never do that on purpose, maybe on accident, but not on purpose. Freak out about these things. I just wish that my brain didn’t use the excuse “ well you can enjoy something in the moment but then regret it after” if I didn’t know this was a thing then I would’ve been so much happier. Because I could say “ well what matters is that I don’t agree with it. “ and then move on. But I can’t because I know this is a thing. It keeps getting so bad, I don’t know if when OCD gets bad, ruminating takes longer, checking takes longer? Does this happen whenever OCD gets bad? Because this happens with me right now. It takes about an hour to get certainty now. I don’t want to do in this moment. I don’t know if I’m getting better or worse. I can’t tell. What can I do in this situation? I know people will say sit with it. But If I do that, I spiral. I can’t eat. can’t draw, can’t play games, can’t sleep, I can’t do anything. Because my brain will be like “oh you don’t deserve that because you’re a ped//phile for thinking that way about spike.” ,, that’s why I try to find out. So that if I know this is OCD. I can do better and not do this again. Rather than not knowing and feel like a monster and not being able to eat ever again. I want to ruminate on this, but I already know that it’s gonna take me like two hours to get the answer. I see no point. I’d rather just post this and then hear what people have to say.

18+ Is there just not a way to actually deal with with this? I get it ERP breathing “being in the moment” I can’t I can’t freaking do it my POCD is making it so hard to live life I see kids and now I think I gaslighted myself into thinking I’m attracted to them when I watch movies TikTok’s, go outside and see kids everywhere I just can’t take it I feel groinal responses I’m imagining them without clothes and doing sexual things like a sicko and feeling like I like it or my brain is trying to make me become that??? Why is it bc of guilt from my real event is it bc im checking if I am??? I can’t live like this it’s literally like I have the eyes of a pedo now sexualizing children this is absolutely insane… I have a boyfriend I want to have intimate time with now I’m so scared too because i KNOW im gonna be thinking about children HOW am I suppose to get turned on I try too “not focus” look around ect DOESNT WORK I have dreams where it’s sexual with children WHY IS THIS MY LIFE I’m in therapy and doing erp but nothing is helping me DO I NEED BRAIN SURGERY SOMETHING NOW?? please I just can’t keep living like this ANYONE PLEASE HELP ME it’s so hard not to cry I don’t care if it’s just thoughts I’m so terrified I messed up my life because it is effecting my life my sex life my relationship my love for myself And all I’m suppose to do is just “sit with the thought” I still don’t even know what that means I don’t want to end my life my partner my family loves me but I JUST CANT DEAL WITH THIS I miss having loving dreams about my boyfriend instead it’s harmful and sexual dreams with children I’m so upset can anyway please… give me some advice on what to do please I’m begging.

16+ only !!! :( Sorry that I’m posting a lot, I’m gonna try to make an effort to stop posting as much as I can after I make this. —- Basically, what happened, is that I went in my living room to throw my trash away, since I’m cleaning my room, and I saw my dad, and immediately I got thoughts saying “ oh what if he’s watching this inappropriate thing “ and I got a groinal, but I didn’t freak out because this happens like incredibly often, so I ignored it. But then the disgusting thought of me and my dad doing horrible things came to my mind, and i was like “ yeah I’d do that and cry after” ,, and I immediately started panicking because I said that, because I’m scared that it means I want to do that, or I meant that I want to do it, but that’s not what I meant??? I was trying to say yeah if I ever did that, I would cry after, but a part of me feels like that I felt like I would do something like that while saying it, but I don’t wanna do something like that. But why did I feel like I would do it??? as I was saying it? I mean this happens all the time. I don’t know why this is the time it decides to make me freak out. Sometimes I have thoughts about doing bad and I’ll be like “yeah, I will do that and then feel like shit after, so why would I ever do that?” Idk, please help :(

If anyone knows a lot about full metal alchemist brotherhood please reply!! I used to love full metal alchemist brotherhood but ever since I started having thoughts about liking pride it triggers me. Especially cause his character is a homunculus which need a disguise/host/container to be able to move around. Cause Pride is a humanoid shadow monster/villian created by a god with alchemy. And he’s supposed to be a child!! But then they say Pride is 300+ years old which triggers it for me because people say you can’t be physically attracted to characters who are demons or adults who look like literal children!! Like I don’t want to be attracted to pride if he’s an actual child!! Especially (SPOILER) when Edward recreates pride into a normal child cause he killed/removed pride “the shadow.” Shows that he’s a child!!! And I don’t want to be attracted to that at all!!!! I’m so confused and scared!!

Ok so I’m a 17 year old female, and I’ve always thought I was straight. But I just really want to know how you would know the difference between so-ocd and actually questioning your sexuality. I have nothing against the LGBTQ community (in fact I am very much a token straight friend, lol) but I saw a video about comp-het recently and it sort of felt like what I was experiencing. I don’t want to be gay, I want to be with men, I want to like men, I’ve always liked men, but now I’m questioning whether or not that’s real? Because people can be gay but not want to be right? I’m single and I always have been. I think women are gorgeous, but when I try to imagine actually having any sort of romantic or sexual relationship with a woman it feels wrong, at least most of the time it does? Sometimes I’m less sure, and I’ve never been particularly boy crazy. I’ve liked maybe 2 or 3 people in my life, (not to say I’ve never found other guys attractive, but it doesn’t seem to be as often as most people) I have no particular reason to be afraid of being gay, very supportive family, safe area ect, but I don’t want to be, does that mean this is ocd, I don’t know what’s going on every time I say I’m straight I feel like I’m lying, but that might just be because I think about it so much. The idea of being with a woman doesn’t feel like something I would want, but is that just because I don’t want to want it? People online say things with so much sureness, if you feel like this it means this. Ect.

I have always had crushes on guys but I’ve always been too afraid to act on any of them. Which leads me to today, single. I have never been in a relationship and it’s hard for me to envision myself in one. Plus my socd is really bad. I have gotten to the point where I don’t know what I want. I have always wanted a husband but I’m second guessing that all the time. I try and think of scenarios for both outcomes and nothing gives me any clarity. I’m afraid that when I get a boyfriend I’m going to realize I don’t like guys. I’m afraid that if I get drunk at a party I’ll kiss a girl. I’m afraid to just live my life at this point. I’m afraid there is no one out there for me. Im battling myself everyday and now the lines between ocd and reality are not there anymore. Idk what to do. I’m trying to take it one day at a time and tell myself to let it be. But the intense anxiety hasn’t left me for 3 days. I just wanted to write it out and get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.

I’m a 20yr old straight female, always have been only attracted and dated guys. I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend and he’s just the most loving, amazing and caring man I could have asked for. We’re long distance tho and the we haven’t seen each other in 4-5 months, it started to take a toll on both of us, but in my case I also have diagnosed ADHD the doctor did say I may have some symptoms of OCD. I’m not on any medication. It first began as lower libido, I overthink a lot and I began to get really anxious and from what I’ve read it seems like I have ROCD, and then out of nowhere I remembered I did once question if I was bi or lesbian a couple years ago too out of nowhere after a breakup with my ex. I was overweight pretty much all my life and I always had a lower self esteem with my looks and felt jealous of every other girl who was prettier and could wear any girly clothes and look great in it. But I really don’t know how and why this began but it feels real, it feels like denial. I don’t have groinal responses well at least not really thankfully so far at least, but I find myself having same sex dreams sometimes, or imageries or smth telling me “oh you should go kiss her, just do it” or smth like “are you really straight” I even to an extent had TOCD cuz although it’s now that I’m losing weight I still feel like what if I look masculine (I had a lil tomboy phase which I regret a lot and hate to look back on) but no I don’t want to. I feel like since HOCD, I’m questioning my attraction I have towards men and that as if I want to be bi or smth and that I’m in denial. It feels like I wanna do a same sex activity so bad but I don’t want to at the same time. The urge isn’t peaceful or smth I enjoy but imageries of me doing it and feeling good about it and I just start to cry and think to myself “why can’t I just be straight”. I’ve urges that feel so real as if I wanna do it but I really don’t want to and when I get such thoughts I think of “omg is this a sign”. What if I act on those impulses and become bi eventually. What if I become okay with it (i don’t want to be that). I can’t tell what’s true anymore, I hate it I’m crying as I’m typing this. I’m so scared. I noticed these thoughts also began when I joined college and met a bi guy who I talked to quite often since he was in my class and I hated hearing what he wanted to do with same sex, who he found attractive in a very explicit manner and also he was just a ball of negative energy who loved to concept of dying soon, wanting to have eating disorder and healing himself that he said from that start and when I offered help and listened all of that he didn’t want any and said he just liked being that way. I’ve had thoughts of harming myself before and other types of ocd episodes since 10th grade but it’s HOCD that’s bothering me the most now. I also can’t afford therapy at the moment. Please help. (Sorry this is quite long, but thank you for taking the time to read it, and please let me know what I can do)

I’m crying so hard, I just can’t this anymore. I feel like a bad person, I’m only 16… I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t breathe and I’m panicking so bad… please help me I was thinking about this situation with this YouTuber where he called this 16 year old “fine” Then I started to think, what if I get older and think 16 year olds are fine? This kind of made me anxious not really, but then I got convinced that I would, because my brain kept making me feel like I would be attracted to them, and there is nothing to say I won’t be attracted, so I said “I know I will be attracted, because they look older, I know that I will turn into a p//do” and now I’m really scared and terrified, I feel like I am a p now, I can’t believe I said that, now I feel like I’m gonna turn into one I would NEVER want to turn into one, I would NEVER want to find teens attractive at that age I’m crying

*This mentions pretty dark things so if you think you’ll get triggered, don’t read* I have a question for people who deal with real event/false memory. I hear a lot of people say they can’t remember if they did something or not, but they’re sure they’re guilty. Does anybody have a memory that they’re sure happened, it’s so vivid and you just know it happened, and then when you’re out of the ocd cycle, it just doesn’t feel real anymore? When I was a kid, I was overly sexually. Not only did I start doing sexual things at a young age, but I also had a lot of really dark thoughts. Today, I do have some issues with things I’m attracted to, but only in a passive “I should probably talk to my therapist about that” kind of way and I’ve heard the things I’m into are actually very common. What I thought about as a kid though are much darker. I try to give myself some grace with some of them because I was a kid and had no idea what it was, but of course, I feel disgusted. Anyway, i know that I had these thoughts and feelings when I was a kid, but there are some things I didn’t think I did until the past few years… I had one childhood “memory” come up… Basically, it was having a deliberate thought about an animal when I was masterbating. It felt 100% real, I was sure I did it and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. When my OCD calmed down, it suddenly felt much more foggy, and now it doesn’t feel accurate. I know for a fact I’ve never been attracted to animals, but I’m worried there was a different reason for me having that thought and it’s true that I intentionally thought about it and did it. But now it doesn’t feel real. On top of that, I also know I have never been attracted to children/babies. I have memories of getting thoughts about pedophelia and most of them I have memories of brushing them off but I’m terrified there’s one I am absolutely terrified I touched myself to. For this one, I was certain it was real but I was trying to convince myself it wasn’t, or will it to not be real. It was very vivid, but it also made absolutely no sense because I’ve never wanted that, ever. And if this is true, how could I ever forgive myself and move forward in life? Well, now it doesn’t feel as real. I’m terrified I tried so hard to convince myself that I succeeded and now I think it didn’t even though it did. I also realized I have no accurate memory of where this happened, how old I was, etc. For a while I was terrified this happened when I was older but I have no real memory of that. This made me relax for a second because I thought “maybe that means it didn’t happen or there’s something I’m forgetting and it was an intrusive thought that I pushed off like the rest” but then I quickly realized it really doesn’t mean anything and I could be a horrible, sick person. I know for certain I’m not interested in these things. But I know I used to struggle with dark thoughts, and hearing people talk about false memory the way they typically do just makes me feel like it absolutely can’t be that so it must’ve happened. I don’t know how to even function with these thoughts.

Maybe triggering to some So today I had a new flair of new thoughts and it made me question if I don't actually fear entering a relationship because of these thoughts. Bear with me a bit of my story I came out of a very toxic relationship of 6 years one of which I had even gotten engaged. Yet in that relationship I was belittled, cheated and ignored where it seemed my needs were never important, fast-forward after the break up! I had tried many other relationships but I had this ever lingering fear of "what if I get hurt again?" and "what if I'm not enough and fail her again?" The worst part is that after I broke up I usually ran away at the first perceived flaw on a person that would "hurt me" so kinda of a perfectionism applied to a relationship? Could this be ROCD or could it be I'm just deeply traumatized? I don't know I might talk to my therapist next week about this. Along with these thoughts I had others like "you don't/can't get a girlfriend so you are gay" and it drives me NUTS because I'm literally disgusted by the idea of being with a man lol, other thoughts include "Oh you don't need a girlfriend because you have your friends" and it gives me anxiety because I really want a girlfriend and honestly I love my friends but they do not replace a romantic partner. I hope someone understands

I'm a 22yrs woman and I suffer from POCD and I learned recently that pedophilia isn't just about getting attracted to children/teens but also getting attracted to the features/characteristics of a child/teen too and I was like HOLY SH*T I always find men with clean shaved beard more attractive! OH NO!! Could l be a pedo?🤮😭 Is that means I'm attracted to teens? and I started searching and ruminating about that and I can't have a clear answer! I thought it was just a preference! like I get attracted to clean shaved men who are Grown up adults in the same age as me early to mid 20s and even/most of the times who older in their 30s! like they're old and seem old to me but just without a beard! and this even my preferences from my teenage era, back when when l was 15, l looked at my classmates who have beards and still find them more handsome without it! like most of the time l couldn't see the hype over beards and liked men in old movies who doesn't have it. and I also thought it was just fashion and a trend thing! like men in black and white movies or even in the 90s most of them were without beards! and they were grown adults in 20s and 30s and even 40s and older! I mean like the bridgeton mens? Mr.Darcy? Lord Guildford Dudley from lady Jane? Jake Peralta from Brooklyn 99? Henry Cavill? Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock? All of them are clean shaved and Do they look like they're under 20 in any circumstances??! they're just look more fresh and they glow up. And this is this trend on TikTok of a filter who removes mens' beards and they're overacting like I look like a child! I'm a toddler! I'm like 14 yrs old again! and when someone says that no they're handsome without the beard the comments eat them up and tell them that they're pedo and into kids! like no! a beard doesn't make that much change! you could look younger of course but not that young, you know what I mean? and to be honest yes there is something a little wrong with the filter it's not realistic and after observation l think because it removes the roots of the hair too, you know what I mean? so they could kinda look like they can't grow a beard like childs but it just because it's a filter it's more like they're putting foundation over it but them without beards over all doesn't look like they're in highschool or childs in most of the videos and if you ignore the part of the unrealisticty of the filter. and I even sometimes like men with beard and find it attractive but just prefer clean shaved! but my mind tells me they're pedo who are attracted to both adults and kids and see you. look like you could be one of them, you just say you have OCD but I think You're attracted to teenagers maybe not kids but I think you're attracted to teenagers! I just hate this stupid mind! like I never thought that beard thing as something like this l swear and they really look like they're adults in clean shaved, that is different from teens who are clean shaved or can't grow a beard! what I find attractive they look like they're adults and ARE adults l even check to see their age. IS there something wrong with me? Do I have a problem? Is it normal to find men with clean shaved attractive? 😭

my rocd is causing intrusive thoughts on the lines of "what if I like this guy and im attracted to him and i dont like my partner and ive mentally checked out of the relationship" and with other people too, but this one guy is a minor!! at least I'm under the impression that he is from what I've been told. I am freaking out. it's such a hard day and on top of all of it i can't stop thinking about if me and my parents are at a point where we need to breakup or if we are going to be okay. Everything feels like it's crumbling down and im stuck at work doing mark downs, no distractions. Just these awful gut feelings that make me believe I just need to isolate and not be around anyone for their sake.

I’ve had sexual thoughts that get so bad I used to cry daily. Today I tried to sit down and let the thoughts be there and I didn’t really feel anxiety? Does this mean I acted on the thoughts or I wanted the thoughts? There was a specific event like two days ago that I’ve been constantly having anxiety about because after the event I started getting sexual images and then I wondered if I actually did that. For the past two days life has been so bad. Today I woke up and I replayed the events step by step and I couldn’t find when I could’ve acted on the thoughts, so that gave me relief. Then I tried sitting with the thoughts, and the thoughts that once made me cry and feel so bad didn’t really feel like anything. Am I in denial? Just yesterday I was thinking the worst and that I couldn’t handle any of this anymore. I know replying events is a bad thing too but I needed to know for sure if I acted on my thoughts. My thoughts are so bad and the thing is if I did act on them I’d never be able to forgive myself. I notice in the moment I didn’t really feel anxiety like I did but I got so much anxiety the day after everything happened and then I wondered if I did something bad. Can someone please help?