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We are responsible for stopping our compulsions but are we responsible for doing them?

A "perfectionist." As a child, that's how most described me. Little did I know it might've been related to OCD. When writing notes, if I didn't write a single letter correctly or the ink smudged, I'd tear the paper out from the notebook and re-do the whole thing. It would take me HOURS. Another thing I remember that I still catch myself doing is walking a specific way on the sidewalk. I'd have to start with my right foot, then my left foot, and finish with my right foot at the end of the sidewalk square. If I messed up, I'd feel the urge to turn around and restart from the last square. Knocking on wood also became a compulsion of mine (which I still do lol). Same thing with "step on a crack, break your mother's back." I remember kids in elementary telling me that, and I jumped on a crack to prove to them that it wouldn't happen, but then immediately after doing so, I grew extremely anxious. Because, "What if it's true and I just hurt someone I love?" That day, I'm pretty sure I went home and apologized to my mom for stepping on the crack, and she laughed. Bad intrusive thoughts every night about scenarios where my family would pass away, and I'd imagine how life would be without them. I'd cry about it every single night for years. This eventually evolved into a fear that, if I didn't hug my mom or dad before they left the house, then something horrific would happen to them. Then, even later, it evolved again into intrusive thoughts of ME doing violent things to them. It was horribly distressing, but I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought they'd be afraid of me. One time, I'd been convinced myself that my entire family and I's flight would crash. I begged my mom to cancel our trip because "I just had a feeling that this time, it really would happen." The next day on the flight, I passed out multiple times, but our plane landed safely, and we all lived! Mentally reviewing past conversations over and over again and even scripting out conversations. Constantly asking for reassurance about EVERYTHING. Even if it was something small. During Covid, I grew really paranoid. If I touched anything, I felt like I immediately had to wash my hands two or three times. The air outside felt "contaminated," and I'd get intrusive thoughts just walking around our neighborhood about catching Covid by just being outside. In the first month, I did actually end up getting really sick, but I don't think it was Covid. Still, this only worsened my paranoia, and I'd constantly plug my ears to check my breathing, or I'd check my pulse. I thought I would develop pneumonia and die in my sleep😭 There's probably more, but that's just a few of the memories I've been looking back on...

Help. TW/nsfw.. incest ocd and trauma Any help or advice please… I need a little help. I have a family member who put me through a lot growing up, emotional and psychological. But sometimes they traumatized me by not being careful of their sexual stuff around me. Like pleasuring themselves while im in the room or not caring about pornography on their devices while around me. Anyways, my brain has sexualized and fantasized this moments since it happened when I was little. Anyways now that im older that family member and me still are around each other. I get these strong groinal responses whenever it seems like they are touching themselves again or I hear something that sounds like that. The groinal responses get so strong that it can cause climax even if I don’t touch myself. But anyways this groinal feeling and climax has happened while I’ve been around this family member. Either when we sleep in the same bed or are in the same room. They don’t know about this as I am scared to talk to them about this since they caused some of this trauma. Anyways, since this has happened around them it feels like I violated them in some way even though I know I didn’t. And also I started having false memories like “oh what if you did something inappropriate to said family member while they were sleeping and u forgot”…. And I know that’s not true deep down but I let it worry me too much that now I can’t differentiate between what’s real and what’s not. They know about my ocd and I told them about this fear and they said they would know if I hurt them when they were sleeping and to not worry myself. But it’s hard to explain what triggered it since THEY are the trigger. I am scared me having these groinal responses and allowing my body to climax from it (i just sit there and let this disgusting feeling pass, like im not sitting there touching myself) while being near this person is a violation of them. Any advice or help. I feel so weird and gross. I love this family member dearly as they raised me.

Hi, i had this thought today and it scares me, i’m in a relationship, and i have ROCD, i had a thought of “what if someone asks you out in public and you get disappointed when you have to say no” i’m so scared that this will happen, i don’t want this to happen and it terrifies me. I don’t want to get asked out in public cause i’m afraid i’ll feel that way

TW// NSFW and childhood So today, I am making some big changes. I am going to see a psychiatrist, as I already have found a therapist on here. I am very scared to speak with them, though. My OCD themes are very sexual and taboo. I also had a weird childhood, I was exposed to pornography at around age 4 to 5 I witnessed things, had other children do things to me , and also witness family members being careless with their sexual interactions around me. I was very hyper sexual as a kid, and even up until now. I was touching myself at those young ages as well, compulsively, 24/7 and inappropriate places like school, in front of family, etc. I developed weird fantasies as a kid and watched very weird things, but around age 14 is when I started becoming aware of how these things do not align with who I am deep down, and it began to make me very anxious and uncomfortable, eventually leading me to find out and get diagnosed with OCD. A bad compulsion I deal with, like I said, before is self pleasure, but it has become a compulsion that it worries me that I like the nature of my OCD. I also experimented in such disturbing ways as a child that it haunts me now. And some fantasies have stuck, as they revolve around something traumatic I’ve seen as a kid. For example, the main one, is when I was younger, there was a family member who would be careless with pornography on their phone, self pleasure around me, etc.. so my brain has sexualized this for such a long time. But I love that family member, dear to my heart, and I would never want to do anything sexual with them harmful to them. I know this is getting long, but I guess this is my story? I am a little nervous, well, actually very scared, that the psychiatrist is going to tell me that I am my biggest fear, someone who needs to be kept away from kids, pets, society. I just feel so not normal. It makes me super sad and drained. If anyone has any advice, or even something that they can relate on, anything helps. Thank you.

once I make a decision about something and go forth with it and can’t undo it (e.g tell someone something etc) my mind won’t shut up about what if that’s the wrong choice and oh you’re gonna be regret that?!? It happens so much and so frequently that it’s so hard to believe it’s OCD or not….anyone else struggle with this or know how to calm down from it?

Has anyone ever felt like there arousal changed? I use to get aroused to women only. Now feels like it switched and I hate it. I feel numb to women and get aroused to men. Even had an erection. I have a beautiful fiancé and a son I love. I don’t want to be gay. Can someone help

So, I'd originally wanted to do therapy with NOCD, but I'm more comfortable with in-person appointments. I'm realizing, though, that it's incredibly difficult to find someone who actually specializes in OCD and that's affordable. Everyone in my area who is an OCD specialist charges +$200 or more per hour, and they don't take insurance AT ALL. Which is... insane. My psychiatrist is helping me look for one, but most of the practices that reach out don't specialize in OCD, or it's they only treat children. One said that they have a therapist who can help, but they don't have any open spots for at least a few months. They did offer to get me in with another one of their therapists in the meantime and try their best to help with other things, but I'm not sure what's the right thing to do. I'm desperate, and I'd love to do therapy with NOCD, but I'm afraid for some reason. I've never done online therapy, and I've also never done therapy for OCD in particular, so it's just unknown territory and out of my comfort zone, I guess. I'd appreciate any advice, honestly. How long did it take for you to find the right therapist? 🤍

Idk. It was slightly daunting before ocd but now it’s more daunting. Especially with the relationship thing. Like I cannot conceptualize forever. My parents got divorced. Most of the relationships I’ve seen have fallen apart. I’m worried about making a mistake and living in the wrong relationship with the wrong gender my whole life but I was so happy and confident before. Now I feel like. None of that. I’m wondering. Who do I want to do life with? Who do I wanna sleep next to my whole life? Have sex with? Have a family with? Am I holding back from my real soulmate cuz I didn’t feel that intense draw towards my bf? I had breakup thiughts and random intrusive thoughts about me dying or smthn random like that but they never bothered me at all so I worry about them. Idk. I’m so tired Being bisexual makes this more confusing. Cuz now I’m worried I’m a lesbian cuz I can’t feel anything lately towards my bf besides slight anxiety, overwhelm and nausea. Idk. I’m tired and about to head to bed but I wanted to rant. Idk if anyone else feels like that if you do pls Lmk, especially with the nausea. I feel nausea around anything sexual lately. And I feel horrible cuz I do wanna be intimate but I have no energy and don’t wanna do it much lately.

PLEASE do not argue over political stances in this post that is not what this is for at all. For context I consider myself someone with mixed views (politically homeless) and I am connected with people of all stripes and beliefs and stances. After the inauguration in the USA this weekend there has been an overwhelming response from the populace especially online. I feel like I’m completely surrounded by people (on every “side”) who are making very intense and unyielding statements about other people’s morals and values and “good-“ or “bad-ness” based on their beliefs, opinions, responses or non responses to all the different things going on politically. I feel like it’s driving me insane. My head has been spinning constantly and I can’t stop crying. I feel like I’m drowning and cornered and under a police interrogation light. I’m so terrified of saying or doing or thinking or not thinking the “wrong” thing, I’m feeling my heart being torn in so many directions and I’m struggling to stop ruminating and spiraling over feeling like I don’t belong anywhere and no matter what I’m always going to be evil to someone. This is not me taking a side or revealing what I think, or trying to make an implied judgment or comment on ANY political figure, policy, etc….My point is: the issue I’m having is with the way people are talking about these issues and about other people in the midst of these issues, so black and white, so moralistic, and my OCD is having a field day. Just looking for camaraderie and to know I’m not alone in this. I please ask again do not bring up specific political issues or take stances in the comments. Thank you.

[Long Post] I have spent a long time coming to terms with my OCD and how it has affected my beliefs and my spirituality. I went through a period where discussions about religion triggered my OCD in such a way that it made my stomach hurt. I felt like I needed to run to the bathroom and puke or scream or cry. I would always feel that dread deep down that I wasnt doing enough; that I was wrong or selfish and would burn for my beliefs. It's taken a long time to get to a place where I feel comfortable, content and happy, but it seems like my parents could undo all of that. My dad and stepmom are religious, but theyre religious in a way that makes me very uncomfortable, triggering my OCD in such a way that it makes my stomach hurt. My stepmother is obbsesses with the afterlife and those videos that talk about what heaven looks like. She talks also talks about speaking with the dead and predicting the future, seeing ghosts and dark figures in the house. Hearing the devil??? I've had moments in my life where I thought that god was speaking to me and telling me bad things, or a presence that I thought was god only for me to get a scary image of it in my head and trying desperately to convince myself it wasnt real. So you can imagine my extreme disinterest in this topic of conversation. Then there's my dad. My dad keeps trying to get me to go to church, read the bible, and contort my beliefs. This morning he texted me a link to a bible app which I deleted. I tell him that I believe that being kind and loving is more than enough, and he tells me it's not. That that's not enough for god, that you have to go to church and fellowship and all that in order to do right by god. I hate all of it! That type of talk from him scares me, and it makes me feel that one day he'll try to convince me that I'm blasphemous and that god is disappointed in me, like being loving isnt enough. What sparked me to make this post was an incident from a couple of days ago. My dad came across a video on his IG fyp, and it was a pastor (i believe, possibly a deacon) who was talking about lies Christians have told people. He said some very comforting things like you dont have to be Christian in order to get into heaven, as well as some controversial claims like God sending Jesus to live, not die. It was an interesting video and it didnt seem to have any malice, but my dad immediately went "This man is dangerous" and then proceedes to go through all of the reasons why he was wrong out loud to me and my little sister. I eventually walked away, but he just kept going. I ended up looking up the page (compulsively) and was actually interested in what he was saying, but the comments held the same sentiment as my dad. I felt that awful feeling in my stomach again. I dont feel normal whenever they talk about this, it's like I disassociate. My religious OCD is warring with my genuine beliefs: love, comfort, kindness, acceptance. I hate how my parents make me feel. I feel like I need to run away, I feel like theyre trying to convert me. Apologies for my panic, I'd just like to know if I'm alone in this discomfort. Or perhaps I'm just looking for a little comfort and kindness<3

i talk to my boyfriend i am angry and have a strange feeling when i think of him i dont know what i feel , i look at photos i feel like a different person , disconnected , i am so distressed and sad and i have so many other thoughts and doubts im ao acared, even the past, when i was happy i doubt that as well, i am tierd of being like this, this males me act bad towards him, i am scared i dont like him or love him or like the way he looks or that i never liked him or that i just like the ideea of a relationship im so scared i have other thoughts i dont want to write them now im scared i am like this all day 24/7 from the moment i wake up i camt ignore them , im scared to ignore them and let them be there i am too scared

i guess i’m looking for guidance? maybe even just life advice, i don’t reassurance but maybe to put this someone else. i’m in a good happy relationship and it brought out my rocd for the past year. that caused me a ton of guilt and made me feel like i was a liar and that maybe i secretly didn’t want my relationship. now i feel better and more in control of my thoughts and to deal with it, but i experience maybe some questioning on if i should feel guilty of the way ive showed up or perceived my relationship. i feel that part of my has only really started to trust and accept my partner. there’s other parts of me that feel guilty for thinking others are attractive, or maybe thinking she looks average sometimes, i know this is normal but at the same time it brings up a lot of guilt and doubt i guess. i know everyone is allowed to have their own path and journey, but i guess i have a timeline in my head that feels like i have to know if i want to be with my partner for ever at this point and that i have to think they’re the most attractive person ever and almost obsess over them to make it work. and i want it to work but then you know the questioning comes in and all my doubts come back, but they feel calmer which is the ocd trap ofc of believing that those thoughts are true but i guess i know they’re not i want to approach them in a new way. now that ive kind of settled those feelings and create a relationship with myself i have this idea in my mind that im doomed in this because it been a year and im only starting to really open up, find this person attractive( even tho i check sometimes) and even like consider being with them for a long time. ive been through a lot with them and i love them but its always likeme thinking this isn’t my person for real, or i get an urge to break up. it gets exhausting to the point where you believe it you know. what doesn’t help is that im so young so i know i dont need to know anything but you know its an unhealthy coping mechanism im trying to transform. i guess i just want to give myself permission to not know or to approach my relationships more maturely, i deserve to have one after all- but rocd has made me believe a lot that i don’t necessarily agree with or want to.

Trying not to seek reassurance, but rather connect the dots on my OCD and possible reasons as to why I am the way I am. I have severe OCD (or at least I hope I do) mainly surrounding POCD. I've had symptoms of OCD the majority of my life but this theme has come up more recently. When I was a kid, and i'm talking 6-7, I was first exposed to some really gross adult content online. It was introduced to me by a friend of mine around the same age of me. I saw some really disgusting things that a 6-7 year old should definitely not see. This was not a one time occurrence, as I had been exposed to taboo topics online years to come after that, such as the same friend introducing me to Omegle... And i'm sure you can imagine how that went, theres a lot of genuinely disgusting human beings on there. Coming back to the reason for making this post; is it possible to early exposure to this content could be one of the reasons I struggle with POCD? It genuinely scares me to death because you hear that real p*dos dealt with simular situations when they were kids, so thats kind of making me feel that this could be more than OCD, and I could be a genuinely bad person. My POCD feels so real, that at times i'm fully convinced its not OCD. Sometimes I can't even distinguish the feelings of attraction between a younger person and an older person, except for the feeling of anxiety and fear. Its really hard to explain without going into detail, but it just feels so real. Some feedback on this would be great, thank you all.

My rocd is making me disconected from my boyfriend thinking he is cringe and that i dont know him or i dont like him for real, making me question the times i was happy thinking i was pretending and i was just thinking i am happy and in love but i wasnt… when i think abt my boyfriend i cant feel happiness… im scared. Yesterday we talked he said he is happy when we talked he sais how happy he is and that if i dont feel the same i should not panic (hw knows about my thoughts) i am so sad, i dont want to be like this forever, im scared

people tell me that what i say sounds like ocd ( no diagnosis yet ) i feel what seems to be attraction to children, it genuinely cannot be ocd. i have this feeling in my chest and this heat feeling all around my body.. all the same feelings i have with like adults or someone i find attractive regularly. they all say it’s most likely ocd, but it can’t be. then i keep trying to find out like what part i feel attracted to, like why i’m attracted to them and.. the attraction/arousal just gets stronger because i actually do find reasons that make me attracted ( the way their face looks, the facial expression they’re making.. etc ) so genuinely, HOW can this be ocd if it’s clear i’m attracted to children and why can’t i just accept that i am one?

Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off

I’ve been feeling the urge to avoid intimacy or purposefully engage (for reassurance that I won’t give into a compulsion) because of intrusive thoughts and fear that I’ll “check/test” my reactions. My OCD is making me so scared that I’ll purposefully think of a child and try to see if I like it. It’s so complicated but I guess I’m mentally checking if I would mentally check during intimacy. I’ve even envisioned myself checking and it’s making me so nauseous. I know it’s a compulsion like any other but the sound of “touching yourself to the thought of a child” sounds atrocious and vile. I’m terrified I’ll automatically start checking next time I am being intimate. I truly feel so worried. If anyone has gone through something similar, I’d appreciate hearing your experience. Or if anyone has any advice?

(sorry for long paragraph but please read and give advice🙏) 2-3 months ago i got to a point where my thoughts were too much and i got numb and felt resentment towards God. I used to think “why did God allow this to happen to me” And it was just crazy. Now about a month ago i feel like i started to have ocd left over mind patterns where i guess my mind started having disturbing thoughts by it self? This time it didn’t feel like ocd. It felt like it was me. Truly me. And i didn’t feel guilty over it for a long time. After this I thought i had committed the sin of blasphemy and for a while i didn’t care? Or maybe i did care but since i was tired of having these thoughts i just made myself not care. Then for about 2 weeks i didn’t seek God at all. And all those thoughts in my mind had calmed down and i didn’t have any thoughts for a while. I felt at ease/peace? Idk if that was a good/bad thing. But recently my mom started talking abt how God is coming soon and that we need to be ready. And i told her to stop bc it was getting me nervous js thinking abt it. She told me “why are you scared if all you have to do is seek him” but in my mind i just kept thinking of my circumstance. but i kept saying “i’m sorry God”. Then yesterday morning i was crying to God and letting go of everything i felt bc the day before was a rlly bad day. So i was just crying and also asking for forgiveness. And i felt like God was actually listening to me? I feel like God still loves me but i just don’t get how. And if i’m truly forgiven. bc i keep thinking that i committed the sin of blasphemy. Because i don’t know if i actually care that i did or that if i care that my heart is hardened towards God. Idk what to do. Then i also wonder why i’m still alive after having all those weird thoughts about God. How can he possibly let me live? Am i truly forgiven? Is God not done with me and that’s the reason why i’m alive? or am i alive so God can punish me and do something to me and he’s just waiting for the right moment? Do i truly care? Do I actually want forgiveness? All these questions. Please help me figure all this out.

Hello friends, I have really debilitating health + death ocd. It manifested when I was around 9 years old and it’s gonna worse as I’ve aged. It really is awful and I just don’t wanna feel alone anymore, everyone around me thinks I’m literally insane and my family was so angry at me for asking for reassurance from them, it was a daily occurrence. The panic attacks were daily and they were awful. I was convinced I was going to die. In 2023, it was at its worst and I was in the worst state of my life. Everyday I felt a new symptom or sensation and thought I was dying of cancer, a brain tumor, my brain was swelling, a heart attack, a stroke, literally anything. Last year it was getting better with some therapy but it has its moments where it gets worse than better, I just wanna know if anyone else has these thoughts and what helps you guys!