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I hate my life.

The last few days were good cause i was usually distracted a lot due to my exams and things but the only thing now telling me this could be ocd is the fact that 3 years ago and like till 6 months ago I panicked at these thoughts which i now think are fake and like its some way of my mind tricking me into thinking its ocd and not denial cause i made a good friend in college and she is cute and sweet and we became friends pretty quick today i just gave her a hug cause she is very sweet to me and we laugh and stuff and then this thought mixed with feeling crept in do i like her differently and i shoved it way like it was normal to me and felt like i was forcing myself to think about it later and I actually did force myself to think of it cause i am scared of it being denial so i am using all ocd tactics but was that ocd again or why did that feeling whatever that was felt real and normal and nice?!? Cause I watched a show where this girl considered herself straight her entire life spend time and hung out with a lesbian and got feelings for her and changed everything and like that she was straight before all of that it it was so possible for her and so easy how is it not for us?!? And like that too when she was 26 how do i know thats not what’s happening to me now?!? Like why does it feel like denial and like i am stopping myself am i?!?!? Its like i am trying to interpret always what my thoughts mean and feel like?!? Do thoughts actually carry feelings with them if they do thats denial right?!? Is this also something ocd is causing i am also like getting flashes of the same sex in senarios romantic or not when i think of something and I don’t take it as something wrong and why did i not types all this earlier cause it didn’t affect me was it because i considered them true?!? Like what are these sudden flashes like is that some reality did i ever truly like guys back in the day how is this not me realising some shit what if i am scared of all this cause I don’t know how the community works and its new to me cause the kind of what i felt today with the friend what was that?!? What if all this fear and anxiety is because I don’t know how to react or know how people will which is why i am a little scared but i like this feeling!!??! Is this soma kind of false attraction cause i am asking these possibilities when i should be scared of them did ocd lead me to actually denial and was it denial all this while what do i do?!? What should i hold on to?!? Also i have never had a bf and as of now dont like anyone will i ever further like someone or is this some indication of it not being denial also i forget about my thoughts after a while which more like feel like feelings and not intrusive thoughts anymore so is that forgetting a proof of it still being ocd?!? But I don’t panic as much rather fake panic to tell myself its still ocd.. i am so close to losing it suddenly why else would i get this feeling induced thoughts today even if someone tells me its ocd why does it feel like i won’t believe it would i be happier if i just accept?!? Pls help me what should i do?!! Is this even ocd anymore where should i go?! I saw a video on Instagram of a gay couple and the thought that popped in my head was do i want that?!? Thats cute?!? Is that my reality?!! Is that something i want?!? Will that make me happy and if some part of my brain says yes then what!!? I don’t think this is ocd anymore cause even if i think about the thoughts what is the explanation for feeling or did i interpret it wrong cause of ocd but why then did it feel like what i could feel for a guy which is like the last proof right?!? Why did it feel so real… this is not ocd right i am not even panicking while writing this and like normal and okay like i accept it and fake calling the anxiety so that means something right… what should i do?!? What do i hold on to now?!?

Please help, I’m desperate

If you don’t already know about me, I’ve been recovered from OCD (and my other mental illnesses) after doing hardcore ERP and trauma therapy for 3 years. I’m still on NOCD to help. Ask my anything and I’ll answer to the best of my knowledge 😁

Does anyone else have issues with sleep? My ocd has been so bad lately and I’ve barely slept in the past two days. Any tips on how to deal with this?

1. I’m having feelings as I think about girls 2. I get intrusive thoughts of being homosexual or bisexual in denial 3. The feelings are still there so it’s making it feel real 4. I look up reassuring images of girls and I see triggering images 5. The images cause me less anxiety so now I get intrusive thoughts of being aroused by these triggering images 6. Feelings are still there so it makes it feel real

I want to preface this with a little background, and by saying; I’m not trying to come off as brash, because I know a lot of people struggle with physical and hygienic health while going through what we do. I don’t have many friends. Just 2, and they’re awesome. That being said, they are absolute hard-asses, and never in the 18 years that I’ve known them had any sort of mental roadbumps other than breakups(one failed their drivers test on their birthday which is so funny to me and that was definitely a road bump for him). I’m 21 years old, 6’2 and I take really good care of myself both physically and hygienically. My friends tell me that I’m the funny one in the group, and because of the combination of those things, people tend to gravitate towards me.. which I CANT stand. Everyone I meet I barely try to talk to, because it is so bothersome to talk to someone who seems normal while I’m having intrusive thoughts, feeling incredibly guilty, and having some OCD. Whenever we’re all hanging out, and a woman approaches me and introduces herself, I do everything in my power to finish the conversation as soon as possible. I feel bad for that, because being turned down, or ignored sucks, and I don’t want to be the reason a girl goes home and feels like she wasn’t pretty enough or interesting enough because I know the feeling. The other day, for the first time it what felt like forever, I saw this woman who I thought was beautiful. She had big curly hair, pretty brown eyes and a nice smile. We made eye contact, and she smiled. I smiled back at her which is uncharacteristic to how I’ve been for the past year or 2. Usually I would’ve just looked down at my watch, or looked at my hands as to avoid any unnecessary conversation. This time, I actually wanted to go and ask what her name was. Then it dawned on me that I have so many issues, so much baggage. I don’t even want to involve someone in what I have going on. I walked away and I feel so dumb cuz I’ll likely never see her again, but at the same time, I know I would’ve just been emotionally tiring for her. A little more context, for the goals portion; I’m very patriotic- and grew up idolizing Charlie Sheen in the Navy SEALs movie. My main goal growing up was to earn a special forces contract in the Navy. The idea didn’t even seem far fetched to me or my close circle. I was driven, I was willing to work for it, I wanted to blow stuff up and jump out of planes, and I love the constitution and would get my hands dirty if needed and do everything in my power to protect it. I had my first stint of major OCD, in 2019 when I was 19. I decided I’d take a little time to get myself healthy before I headed to boot camp which would’ve been hard considering I could barely leave my room. Fast forward about 2 years, things got progressively worse. I broke up with my girlfriend in the same week that I confessed everything that I’ve ever done that made me fe guilty in the 6 years that we were together(which a bulk of it happened as a teenager) and I regret it every day. I moved back in with my parents and I’m lucky that they support me the way that they do. Fast forward to now, and I get anxious and have full blown panic attacks from random things that pop up in every day life. I see a small child and think they’re adorable? Pedophile. Someone cuts me off in traffic and I want to punch them in the face? I’m a potential murderer. My cat hops on my lap? Beastiality. My best friend looks nice in their new jacket? Gay. Even though I know that OCD prays on my morals, How would I be able to confidently go on an operation with all that going on and be sure I wouldn’t mess up when American lives were at stake. How would I be able to handle the baggage that comes with war or lack of sleep because of the former. I’m not even sure I could pass mental screening for special forces at this point in my life. I feel like I’ve messed up everything in my life. I’m afraid of kids, so I don’t want to be a father. I’m afraid of hurting a girl with my own baggage, so I don’t want a girlfriend. I’m afraid of getting an anxiety attack and getting an American killed, so I don’t want to follow my dreams and attempt to become a SEAL. I don’t know if this post was asking for advice, or just to vent. I don’t need reassurance, but damn I needed to get that off my chest. If I am looking for advice it’s more about how do I go about letting new people into my life with OCD?

Does anyone else have this?: I live with three roommates and I constantly obsess about how much I talk to/interact with them - like I keep feeling like I have to have more conversations with them, be more polite, etc - even if I don’t always feel like it, and they often don’t return the favor themselves. It’s a huge obsession that’s been bothering me the past couple months, because I know logically that I’m a very nice, compassionate, polite person - but the ocd blows it up and makes me feel terrible and so guilty for not talking to my roommates all the time.

Please dont read this if you are feeling really bad. I just want to share my story and maybe to help someone else not to do the same mistake i did. 3 days ago i attempted suicide by trying to overdose with large amount of pills and alcohol. It was the day that everything seemed just wrong and i couldnt cope anymore. I suffer from POCD and each day i struggle a lot. Combined with that i felt really alone and was feeling like everyone will be better without me alive. It was an impulsive decision and in that moment i felt nothing. I was just to tired to keep on living. I ran away from my home, took pills with me, as much as i could find and bought really strong alcohol to mix it up. And i sat there, i was really angry and i wanted die to see if theres God and to tell him to go fuck himself cause all my life ive been good person. I never did anything wrong. I always cared more about others then myself. I wanted to face the God and to tell him hes an asshole. At some point, i guess when pills and alcohol hit me i felt like i am about to pass out. Now the message i want to send to everyone here who has ever came even close to thinking about selfharm.. The last thought i remember i had before passing out was that i dont want to die. That everything can be fixed. Faces of my family member were in front of me, at the same moment i was about to pass out i realized that there is no such struggle that is worth of taking away your life. But it was to late, i blacked out. Fast forward, i dont remeber anything other then waking up in hospital where doctors were hooking me up on some life saving devices, and i only remember like few pictures. I woke up several hours later in the department of intensive care. They explained to me that someone found me and called ambulance and that if it was half hour later that id probably be dead. I didnt want to die at any point. I wanted relief. It took me 2 days to fully understand what damage it would cause to my loved ones if i died. I want to send strong message to anyone that may think that something like that is the only way out- IT ISNT. TALK TO SOMEONE, THERE IS ALWAYS A BETTER SOLUTION, i know it now and just wanted to share my story cause i realized that there is just a thin line that can ruin your and lives of your loved ones. THERE IS ALWAYS WAY OUT. THANK YOU FOR READING, BY LUCKY TO BE ALIVE

Can anyone share a good erp for health ocd?! Please and thank u 🙏 😊

I feel like I don’t know how to deal with OCD anymore and I feel like I am burned out. Anyone else feeling like this? It is just defeating. Any ways to combat these feelings?

My therapist talked about people believing sexuality is a continuum with some on the left some on the right and some a step or two in between and that this isn't a bad thing or something they have to do something about but its making me anxious like she thinks I'm not straight or something. I don't know what to do about this anxiety. I don't know if I'm understanding her right or if she was just trying to help but I feel bad asking her a bunch of followup questions bc I feel like I have been all day

I kinda proud of myself..typically when I find myself ruminating or doing a compulsion mental compulsions.. I have to go through the cycles of my OCD. This time though..I went into a separate room of my house and just told myself no I don't have to these compulsions because this is my OCD.. that is power.. it's tough and it's not easy but if I can do it anyone can.

So i was on a wait list for therapy and finally i have someone that can help me. I received a message from a therapist and i lost my shit. I started panicking and my brain is making up all sorts of terrible scenarios. For exemple, i have suicidal ocd and im terrified to potentially be suicidal. Welll my brain is telling me that the therapist will know that im suicidal and will make me go to the hospital. It makes me want to never get help because of all the scenarios. I dont know if its ocd. I want to cry, im so scared

How is everyone doing today? As for myself - I am ok. I’ve been here before - I have been in this position before. A position where I feel like I’m slowly drifting back into depression and ocd. I hate the fact that I could be doing so good, that the OCD and depression seem almost nonexistent and then boom - out of no where, I just regress. Why can’t I just remain at peace? Calm? Happy? …… Anyway- just felt like venting out.

Sometimes we needa to jus realize it’s all in our head ,u know why our Body reacts the way it does n panic cuz it’s false n not true n will never come Into Reality jus act knowledge it’s fake Ik it’s hard n ocd will still try to trick u buh u will Heal ik we Will ocd acts the way it does because it wants u to act on it !!! U don’t never give up accept it’s not real n u will be able to have a thought n it not bother u u will have moments buh it’s not reality rm that♥️

Boyfriend has been diagnosed with relationship OCD, he has intrusive thoughts about me with past partners and always asks for affirmation How can I help him, and what should I do or not do

First of all, i want to say that i haven't been diagnosed yet, so the "maybe i don't have Ocd, maybe i'm just a monster" hits me harder then everything. I've become aware of this disorder thanks to social media, in a period of my life (around november) where i became to have very scary thoughts about harming myself or others, pedophile thoughts or simply ruminating about how i can open my mouth and scream, or closing and opeing my eyes repeteadly. So, i ran into a post about anxiety disorders and i read about Ocd for the first time. Also, i want to specify that when i was little i used to do things to reduce anxiety (if i check the stove, nothing bad will happen). But i always thought it was normal, and for many years i didn't do that since this year. I believe its a year of new things and stress for me, im dealing with a lot of things and so..anxiety has increased. I don't know who i am anymore, i mentally re-watch memories about myself 6 months ago and i'm a totally different person now. I feel like i'm an impostor, like this Is my true self came to the surface after all that i went through. Im dealing with a loss of identity. I don't know what i like anymore, if my thoughts before where this bad..if i'm a good person or not. I don't trust myself anymore, i have anxiety if i'm alone and i'm stressed if i'm with others. I've lost my happiness and my sparkle. I'm frightened i will do something bad to someone and enjoy It. I want to disappear and never come back again.

My OCD themes have centered mostly around health and identity stuff. For several years I’ve been afraid I’m Autistic. I’ve been in group OCD treatment for a bit and didn’t see too much improvement/ at least around my main obsession. I was seeing a NOCD therapist for a few months. One session he asked me some questions during an exposure and after I answered “yes” to most if not all the questions he told me that he googled questions to see if you’re Autistic. It was really uncomfortable, but part of me shrugged it off because I know that screening for Autism is much more comprehensive in the school system, so what happened didn’t feel that “validating” that I’m really Autistic. Although I still continued to obsess about the theme, I didn’t spend too much time thinking about that event. The other night for some reason it dawned on me that as an adult, I can likely go and get diagnosed Autistic and the screening process would probably, if not definitely, be less comprehensive than if I was a kid and in the school system. That realization made me feel that the series of 3-4 questions my therapist asked me can be effective screening for Autism and I answered yes to I think all the questions. Honestly I don’t know what to do, I know part of me really wants to research the process for being diagnosed Autistic as an adult in different type of medical, resource oriented, or psychiatric conditions to prove that my “screening” wasn’t comprehensive enough. I feel extremely defeated. I don’t know how to sit with this. It feels like it’s game over for me. I don’t know how I can EVER accept uncertainty around this theme now and just claim “I don’t know” if I’m Autistic and be able to just live my life and enjoy it without spending almost all day everyday obsessing about this and just never feeling “okay.” It’s like I can’t enjoy my life and ever feel “okay” for more than several minutes because my mind will just go back to “well, you’re for sure Autistic now” and it causes me so much despair and distress and I just NEVER want to think about it. I want so badly to show my mind that there are other explanations or even that the questions I answered yes to can probably be attributed to being diagnosed ADD and OCD, but it doesn’t help. My mind just wants to then see the criteria for ADD and if they don’t ask the same exact question then I know it’s Autism for sure. I just feel like now that I had this realization of the adult screening for Autism process being shorter that I have sealed my fate. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for the last 4 days and I’m afraid I’ll never just have this reality of answering yes to those questions in my mind and I feel I can’t handle it.

Just want to say I think my favorite part of this healing journey is when I now feel my body/mind going off base (you know that extra spider sense for anxiety) and the anxiety comes on strong….I REALLY love telling that brat she can hang around if she wants but she is accompanying ME for the day I will NOT be accompanying her! I’m really proud of myself as stress is a huge trigger for me and Easter Sunday is the anniversary of my initial PTSD inducing event (won’t elaborate to help minimize others triggers)✌🏽🌻. Also watched two episodes of Criminal Minds and I’m fine. Shut the ruminating down immediately. Also watched Batman and I’m fine. I am a conqueror of Harm/self harm OCD and Existential/Religious OCD which are my top two among many other changing OCD themes.