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I’m really struggling rn and I have nobody to talk to. I don’t know what to do

So this guy at work asked me out except he's kind of creepy. He's like a decade older than me and I know for a fact that he's addicted to meth and relaxing. And in general even before I knew that he just had a really not great vibe. And I declined saying simply I was taking just to make it easier. And when he did ask me out I kind of panicked a little bit and I said what I said but the panic was internal. And I said the same one I don't want to be taken by the same sex. And so I try to ignore it I'm scared I might be out don't want to be bisexual. I try to ignore the thought and since it was really slow I'm on my lunch now and five minutes into my lunch while waiting for my food to be made I looked at some Facebook videos and saw Zendaya When she was on Disney Channel. Just now I said I thought when I don't wanna think she's cute. But she has a really slim body and I said oh my God I'm scared. I was scared I do I don't want to like boobs I looked her up and I said I did I don't wanna like how perky her boobs are she has a nicer body than me but that's it. And before I looked at pictures I kept saying that I did I don't I called it but I don't want her body to be hotter sexy and I'm scared I was smiling awkwardly not feeling like I actually like her boobs at all keep thinking of how they point and stick out like boobs do and I never felt like I like them and now I kept saying that even though I didn't feel it. And I kept thinking of boobs naked and I'm scared I smiled like a psycho and said that I felt like I love and I keep nodding up and down but I wasn't wet as in turned on but I was frightened something was happening down there I couldn't totally tell. I felt slight stuff but I didn't think it was a big deal I definitely didn't feel turned on nothing else of that nature was happening. So I went to the bathroom and there was more moisture than I would like and then I looked at her in some see-through dress I didn't I don't know I didn't get turned on but I'm scared I smiled and said like I don't wanna look how pretty your boobs are and I said she wouldn't take me but I wouldn't take her and now I can't stop making a face like I can't take when I love pectorals am I I'm scared of you I don't wanna be bisexual I don't want boobs to. I don't want triangles I don't want to I'm scared of who I am I don't wanna see myself I don't wanna look myself in the mirror I can't stop obsessing about triangles and when I thought of triangles my female nipples get hard and I'm scared I am I don't wanna be over man. I can't stop obsessing about her boobs stick out and the fact that extra stuff happened down there scared me even though I didn't actually feel anything I didn't feel like I liked what I was thinking about even though I was saying shit like that I didn't. I'm scared I am I don't wanna be done with men/My guy and I can't stop obsessing about how I said help but I don't want them to be hot or not I don't wanna be bisexual and I'm afraid of how I smiled at her chest i'm frightened I'm changing and I can't control it and I said I don't I want to change it and make it go away I don't want to change I’m scared I have to and I said she’s not hotter than him I don’t want him brace by sexuality I don’t wanna be here I want my old heterosexual sexuality back and I’m scared I said and friend I imagined her I’m fine she would I don’t know I wouldn’t take her i’m scared I don’t want to like her boobs more than I don’t her boobs i’m smiling like I’m considering them like I would I don’t want to suck them and I want pectoral bag and I’m I’m scared like would you and I feel weird I don’t want to I would not do her and I acted like I put my head off to one side and raised my eyebrows like maybe I don’t wanna I’m scared I don’t I am scared so I make faces really opening or considering it I don’t want to consider shit I’m not I want guys but I don’t want girls I just said I’m scared I do and then I wanna make it stop and it’s not that I want to I don’t want to i’m scared I keep thinking about her poops and saying but she’s not hot I want to go away I wanna die I keep saying she’s but she’s not hot and I’m frightened I don’t want the way boobs stick out I need help I miss pectorals I need help I’ll keep smiling like a psycho scared I’ve been lying to myself all these years and I am scared I should I don’t want to go but I’ve seen women be intimate with each other and I’m never gonna turn on

I was wondering do you have intrusive thoughts saying that you are already gay? Bc I know ocd is normally about what if… but for me my brain keep telling myself that I am gay and therefore I can’t stop looking at women in the street to see if I’m attracted or not… it’s so hard. Sm when I’m with my bf I have thought coming saying this is wrong you should be with a girl… not a boy… i just wanna know if some ppl have experience the same thing then me… I know I love my bf and I wanna be with him deep down I know it.

Can someone help? I'm in a lesbian relationship with my partner of 5 years in the last 6 months I have been suffering with OCD. I would avoid friends as I believed I had kissed them when drunk or so forth. I asked the friends and they told me no I didn't. But I never believed them because of past. Anyways moving on from that I then would check messages to see if I fancied my friends snd see if I was flirting or find a way that would make it true. I would sob to my girlfriend and confess everything I could of done or thought and asked her to forgive me. I convinced myself of all sorts. I didn't and still don't trust my own brain with anything. I managed to move on from that to then start questioning whether I am gay or not? Or if I love my girlfriend enough? What if I find others attractive? I found reassurance in all of these things I have been testing myself by watching lesbian porn to see if I still was interested in it One day I watched straight porn and that's when the OCD latched on I was obsessed with penises and men and people being naked. I started confessing again to my girlfriend. I was confused I didn't understand what was going on I had never wanted to fall in love with a man or anything I've always found women way more attractive than men. I then started questioning whether I fancy men so I started looking and finding people who I thought were attractive to me etc. I latched onto someone I work with a boy, he's a nice guy he's really loud and funny and reminds me of how I used to be meaning happy. I started thinking I must fancy him he's the boy you would pick out of everyone if I was 1) straight and 2) single. I feel like I'm not myself I would get scared I would try and think of my gf and I would get images of him.popping up. I don't get that as much now but whag I do get is the feeling still like as if I am bad girlfriend cheating on my partner when i wouldn't act on it ever. Its ruining me I don't even want to be in a relationship with a man. I just feel exhausted with arguing with my brain so I tried to accept it ok you might think someone is funny or a laugh and so what if they do have attractive qualities doesn't mean you're in love with them or want to actually be with them. But I cant stop obsessing about them. It feels like too much for me to deal with and Idk what to do. I'm trying my best to be the best gf I can but I just feel like I'm some liar. I love my girlfriend but she's moves away and it feels even more real because she's not here as much. The last thing I wanna do is be with someone else.

I do not know what I think I am very scared I do not know if there is any hope for me I got up quickly I woke up ocd I summed up again I panicked and I do not know how to rag everything was simpler before now I lost myself with it looks like I'm getting gay and why I do not want this I hated I have seen gay porn and I know I do not love it and no one will do it I know I'm afraid to check if I am attracted to women or not because I'm afraid that if I do not I'm going to become gay I'm very scared gay images came to my mind when I was asleep and I did not Ragova maybe I liked these I do not know I do not know who I am I am losing my identity I am becoming someone I do not love it seems I'm in denial every day I'm hopeless now I'm at work I do not know how it will come my day I do not want to work. I want to die he thought to kill himself I think this every day since my dream to have a family will not what is the meaning of living a life that I do not love anymore, as if I am living a life that is not mine, God has given me gone you are punishing me every day better not live do not come at all in this life

I’ve had the same themes (all in the taboo pedophilia/harm/incest/bestiality/etc. realm, with one the worst of them all) since I was a child. They never change. And I hear a lot of people with OCD saying, “I know it isn’t real, I just can’t stop thinking about it!” For me, it isn’t like that. My themes feel 100% real, and they don’t shift around. And sometimes reading things that other people with OCD have written where they say that “I know it’s not real” line, or hearing people with OCD talk about how frequently their themes change, makes me feel isolated even within the OCD community. Sometimes that makes me feel like I’m an even worse case, or am “different,” andy themes are just a real thing for me, like OCD likes to taunt us sufferers about. I’m just looking for some listening ears, and maybe some people who understand the OCD experience that I have, that sometimes seems a little different from other people’s.

I’m wondering what are your guys thoughts on marijuana use and those of us who have ocd who use it regularly

Everything that he do makes me angry and annoyed. I can't stand all his things that i used to like in past, but i can't leave him either. I don't really know what to do. I am preatty sure of not loving him, but i would love to be able of loving him. I can't stand his flaws; they really makes me sad and hurt. I don't know what love is anymore, but i can't leave him cause even the idea of loosing him is super hurtful (it would not be hurtful being without him, but seing him happy with someone else, or anyway seeing that he would not miss me. Plus the idea of can't having fun with him anymore destroy me). Not the idea of being alone or single, i know that i would have a lot of fun by myself too. But every time that i try to leave him, i can't because i start to be super sad and crying... even if it's what i want/what i think is the best. At this point i would either love being with him and love him, or being single, but i can't do nothing between the two options and i'm stuck in a very hurting limbo. A lot of times i want to leave him a minute and the next one i want to see him. What can i do to get out of this situation?

How can I overcome with ocd? I am facing lot's of problem because of this, My daily routine is disturbed totally, I wash my hands all the time, I check doors multiple times, I have fear /anxiety, lot's of unwanted thought comes in my mind, There was a time when I was not able to understand whether I have wear clothes or not, I can see that I am wearing clothes but my mind was not getting it, that was a worst time, I need guidance so that I can live my life without anxiety and the way I used to live before ocd

I feel nothing at all, not even when I compulsively look at younger people I need help, I’m so scared, it’s like I don’t care any more about anything or peoples basic human rights

i’ve never had a thought like this before. i have the best relationship with my dad. but tonight a gross thought came up in my head. and instantly i was like um no. i didn’t get a sensation or any attraction or happiness from it. so i know i don’t like it. but for some reason my brain was telling me. “say this say this say this” as he was telling me goodnight and obviously i’m not gonna say it over the app but it just freaked me out. i didn’t say it and i didn’t want to at all but my mind and thoughts felt as if it were trying to force me too. now i can’t stop thinking about it and what would have happened if i said it. i feel so gross and weird and idk how to talk to anyone about it because my mom is very understanding and she understands this stuff very very well but it’s still an extremely hard concept to bring up to my mom. idk what to do:( i’m lost.

Can someone please give me advice on how to make my showers shorter, I really need help with it because my mom is getting upset with me and I don't know what to do

One of the hardest parts of OCD for me (besides the obvious) is missing the life I had before OCD. I feel like I was so happy even in the hard moments when I thought it was bad. Looking back I’d give anything to only deal with those simple struggles again. OCD has just consumed my life and truly makes me feel unworthy of happiness, of having love or kids or anything good. It’s so hard to feel deserving of good things when you have a taboo theme. Does anyone else feel this?

anyone else have ROCD focused on their partner? like worrying their partner is going to leave/cheat or having paranoid thoughts about their partner? a lot of what I see about ROCD has to do with doubting your love for your partner (I've had that in a previous relationship so I know that blows) but just wanted to connect with people whose fears are focused more on their partner's feelings.

(If you are obsessed over your OCD getting worse or over arachniphobia, do not read this) This is really long and not really important but I decided to put this on here in case some of you find it interesting or have similar stories. So I am on two medications, one for OCD and the other for ADHD, and I always take them at the same time, but during summer I don't need to take my ADHD meds. A few summers ago, my brain grouped the two medications together so I forgot that I still should take my OCD meds. I was fine for like 2 months and didn't really notice much, my OCD was getting a tiny bit worse over time but not enough to be concerning. I also felt slightly more creeped out by spiders (I was the "oh come on, it's just a little spider" girl) than usual, but once again, I barely noticed. Then, one random night in late summer I went into the bathroom to see a spider on the floor, and not wanting to deal with it but also scared it would get into my room, I slammed a towel under the bathroom door and my bedroom door and went to bed. Next morning, I go to move the towel and right when I was going to pick it up I saw a different spooder (I use humor to stop me from triggering myself) on the towel right next to my hand. I asked my brother to remove it from the premises while trying to look calm while questioning why I'm so scared of spiders now and the miniature demon ran faster than it should be able to from my room into the bathroom and I fricking SCREAMED. My brother still couldn't get it so I asked my mom to try but she told me it went behind something so there was nothing she could do. I was now scared of an entire section of my house where my bedroom happens to be, so that night it took a lot of convincing from my mom for me to go back into my own room. She also gave me lavender-scented cleaning spray because the scent of lavender repels spiders, and for most of the night I sat on my bed with the lights on repeatedly spraying parts of my room with the lavender spray, I think I got a few hours of sleep but I can't remember. I do know I was up at 6:00am, (which in my mind is officially day), and tired of being in my room I went downstairs. I saw one of my cats staring under a shelf and when I looked to see what it was, twas a fricking spider and needless to say I was terrified. I ran upstairs to get my mom so she could kill the pint-sized nightmare fuel but when she came downstairs it was gone. In that moment I experienced and OCD relapse in full-power, it was like getting hit by a fright-train of panic while years of progress of fighting OCD vanished. It was like hundreds of "what-ifs" going through my head at once. I stood in the most open area downstairs and was too afraid to move from that spot. I kept on twisting around looking everywhere thinking that every little shadow out of the corner of my eye was a spider. I was hyperventilating and kept touching my back and my hair to make sure there were no spiders on me. I can't remember how long I was doing that for, but the panic itself lasted for hours. I never liked spiders but I was never afraid of them either, but then all of the sudden BOOM, I had severe obsessive arachniphobia.

I have been dealing with different subtypes of OCD off and on for over 6 or 7 years now and one of the most debilitating has been the Health OCD and POCD. I've been to to a therapist before and discussed everything with him and I found that I wasn't some mosnter despite everything I went through. But every now and again I get the compulsive mindset to check through my history to see if anything would confirm or deny me being a pedophile. One thing that keeps coming up but I have had multiple people say it didn't matter or I was thinking too much about it was the fact that out of the multiple different videos of pornography I've watched throughout my life there have been 99% normal or what anyone would call normal porn both consisting of guy and girl, girl and girl, or animated/hentai at times. Sorry this is weird to talk about but everyone watches it so I am not saying anything that people haven't heard of. But what I am hung up on is there has been less than 1% I've watched that is mainly hentai that had girls of suspect age in it that I never sought out specifically or had an inate desire to see it just came up in the list of things I watched. Some towed the line and I stopped watching. But I was never really focused on that and I think to myself that maybe it was my negligence that condemned me. I've never in my life sought out child pornography ever but certain times I've watched hentai have come to forefront because of the compulsory nature to check for faults and cracks in my life to seek reassurance. I have told friends, family, internet forums, and my therapist and all didn't judge me or condem me at all. All of them said it was either normal or that I was being too hard on myself or that didn't define me or what I actually held most important morally. The fact that a licensed therapist heard all of this and didn't bat an eye should have given me the comfort I needed but the fact that I watched something even remotely close triggers the need to check and scan over my life repeatedly for signs or evidence. I have had all the behaviors since this started 7 years ago. Avoidance, body checking, mental rumination, guilt and shame over past, reassurance seeking. If I see any children namely small girls I instantly am filled with dread and fear and anxiety. But since going and taking to a therapist it has lessened significantly. But this idea won't get out of my mind. I feel like I've made a mistake and my mind won't let me forgive myself and move on. Whenever I am watching regular pornography, there's a part of me that says "your only watching this to resist watching things with children". Then I start to panic and ruminate on what that meant and doubt if it was true even though deep down I know I don't want that. But OCD causes immense doubt and second guessing. I am taking a few namely harmless instances and making them out to be indications I'm a monster of society that needs to be isolated.

Hi just for reference, I’m a girl, I’m almost 17 and I’ve been boy crazy for pretty much all my life. I- I don’t even know what to think anymore, I identify as straight and enjoy thinking about men sexually and emotionally, but I can also masterbate to women weirdly enough? I’ve been diagnosed with pure ocd and I have no desire to have any sexual or emotional relationships with women in real life, and I’ve had hocd for over a year now, but I can masterbate to weird things sometimes and I know I’m not supposed to but I compulsively search things up very often and from what I’ve found most people would say that it would mean that I’m bi. The idea of being bi or gay has made me hyperventilate and cry god knows how many times, at this point I wouldn’t even be angry if I was bi or gay but I know that I’m not. My head keeps telling me that since I can masterbate to gay thoughts or lesbian thoughts sometimes that it means that I’m not straight even though I have no desire to do anything even remotely close to that in real life. This is one of my worst themes of ocd so far as compared to other people who have hocd they don’t get turned on or finish thinking about these things and I do but I don’t identify as bi or gay. I just, I don’t know what to do anymore? I was hoping someone on here goes through the same thing? And I’d really rather not hear that it’s just me denying it, I have a few people I talk to and occasionally when I bring it up they just say I’m in denial so I really don’t know what to do anymore.

Hi it’s all in the title I know it’s actually so hard…

I have a family member who has a mental health degree but seems to use their knowledge to label all of our relatives as narcissistic or as having other negative psychological traits. This usually happens whenever someone disagrees with her. Recently, she told me that if I feel guilty about a recent argument we had, it's not her problem that I haven't appropriately dealt with my OCD. I feel like this was a strategy to get under my skin and to use my OCD against me, because this relative knows how important my recovery has been to me. Has anyone else here experienced this type of gaslighting (disregarding your feelings or opinions based in your OCD) & how have you handled it, whilst maintaining fidelity to ERP?

I have been experiencing the same repeated thought cycle for 9 months since a certain event happened where I don’t have complete memory. I was on a night out with colleagues and got drunk to a point I blacked out (I have not done this since, and this is one of the only times I have done this). At the end of the Night a colleague who I remember trying to get with me throughout the night said ‘do you remember when we kissed?’ , to that I felt instant guilt and asked if I had cheated on my boyfriend, he then explained that he tried to kiss me but I turned away and said no I have a boyfriend. I rang my boyfriend straight away to let him know this had happened, and he forgave me and accepted it. I also was apologised to the next day by my colleague and he said I did nothing wrong and that it was his fault. However no amount of reassurance I got from people would stop me from feeling so much guilt. 9 months later and I still feel the same amount of guilt as when it first happened and I can’t get over it. I spend so much of my days trying to remember what happened and going through possible scenarios like imagining me being the one who initiated it and it feels so real. I never come to any conclusion as I don’t have a Memory, but I feel like I need this to move on. I feel as though I have cheated on my boyfriend and I need to end our relationship because I don’t deserve anything good due to what I could have potentially done. I would never be able to forgive my self for cheating. It’s like having the same thought over and over of myself doing something which makes me hate myself. The only time I feel okay is when I ask other people if what I’ve done is wrong and they tell me I wasn’t in the wrong or by reading online forums (this sometimes makes it alot worse). I also get triggered in social situations when people bring up the topic of cheating and get very anxious and upset. Sometimes it makes me not want to live anymore if I always feel like such an awful person. I want to focus on my studies and do well but this is stopping me. Does this sound like OCD or am I just a bad person unable to deal with what they have done?