Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Y’all I noticed he doesn’t buy me random flowers or anything ..

I think I commited the worst sin. I had no bad intentions but then I realized I might have thought something bad. I'm so scared and I don't know if I'm forgiven. I'm trying not to replay what happened in my head but it's so hard and I'm so scared.

Hi this post isn't meant for reassurance, I just wanted to vent out my thoughts and trigger for this ocd. Sorry if this is triggering for anyone. I'm a tutor for English and was going through a practice response I'd written around 4 years ago and the starting was how I'd want to dress up as the knight and save my cousins rather than be the princess (I'm a girl who's always had crushes on guys). While in the back of my mind I knew I'd just written this not because it was true but to write a personal anecdote for the assignment that showed gender inequality and stereotypes, it triggered me. In fact, I remember in preschool pretending to play Harry Potter and being stuck in a house and wanting my guy friend (who was pretending to be Harry) to save me (it probably sounds weird sorry). I started to feel so horrible like what if all the intrusive thoughts are true and in reality I am in denial and I'm just using OCD as some excuse. Since OCD started I've been constantly checking whenever on social media or YouTube to the point where sometimes i might not feel my previous nausea when imagining kissing another girl and that scares me like what if I'm actually turning gay (eventhough I'm not excited or attracted to breasts) yet I feel like I'm turning gay. Before the OCD I was probably the most boy crazy person ever. P.s. my dad I'd say has anger issues and I've always had emotional abuse growing up. This led me to think what if all guys are like that (eventhough i knew it wasn't true). That then led me to going back to every crush i had growing up which were guys and then I'd question myself what if it wasn’t real or true and i was just faking it. The biggest memory that prompted this questioning was this experience I had in my last year of high school. I was having 2 boy crushes (different times) during the year. At the time I had a close friend who shared the same birthday as me and year and because of that I'd start picking out things we had in common and start thinking we were twins (this was when we first became friends). She was there to listen when I had rocd in grade 10 when my friendship group excluded me which completly shattered my self confidence and esteem - and now looking back i might’ve given her too much credit for listening (not in a rude way but whenever she was rude to me I would think oh but she was there for me in year 10). I can actually think of a few times now when she was rude especially during the last two years of high school. Anyway, so this friend I found out was lesbian and it didn't really bother me at the time (which now is a trigger because I'm question does that mean I'm lesbian too because I didn't think much of it?) And I remember another incident when another girl in my class was asking people "if they were gay?" and I was like "no" in a slightly annoyed way but then feeling anxious because I'm thinking what if I was denial and said it that way. Because this friend was rude I started distancing from her, but I can remember times when she'd seem jealous if I'd talk to this new friend who was also gay - now again a trigger for me because I'm thinking what if I thought this new friend was pretty and wanted to be friends and that means I'm gay? - like once this new friend rested her head on my shoulder and I remember being like there's not going to be comfortable because I'm skinny and my friend (with the same birthday - sorry if it's getting confusing) being like "you're not even that close, right? So why was she lying on your shoulder?" I for some reason liked the jealous attention my friend was giving me and started to think someone finally loves me and is giving me attention. One thing i do remember is that sometimes when this friend would get close physically I'd get anxious and move back a bit or say something to get her to move back - but now the OCD makes me doubt that like what if you secretly liked it though). I remember clearly feeling uncomfortable and awkward during photos we took during formal (basically prom but in my school- all girls school- no boys allowed) when she were hugging and her hand was near my waist/side of my boob and feeling slightly disgusted by the idea of doing something intimate with her. This to any other person on planet earth would be a big indicator that they're not lesbian and were just liking the attention but my OCD brain keeps bringing up the fact that I liked the attention so that means I'm gay and it makes me feel guilty and upset and anxious (not in a homophobic way, I've had friends who were part of the lgbtq community and I never felt attraction but thought of them as good friends). I remember having a full on panic attack the day after formal where I felt extremely nauseous, not feeling like eating and vomitted a bit and really really anxiousa and horrible for probably a few days because of the thought that what if this means I'm lesbian. Looking back I'd say the HOCD/SOOCD was there during the time after formal but went away for about a few months when the ROCD started (I'm single btw) and I'd be non stop watching tiktoks and imagining a future with a guy who is emotionally mature, gentle, caring, romantic, loving and my best friend. I'd also feel hopeless because i would see so many people in relationships or engaged and I'd feel so lonely. I'd get really triggered when going to college especially during pride month where I'd be so anxious (again no hate to anyone who is part of the lgbt community). My biggest fear is what if I realise my whole life was a lie and I was secretly gay this whole time or that I fall in love with a woman instead of a man and the future I've always imagined was just a lie. I can also point out other moments of my life where I've had ocd or shown symptoms of ocd and anxiety in the past, yet this feels so real. I've been struggling with this for nearly 4 months now and it feels like the worst thing to possibly happen to me.

My ten year old daughter is struggling with really bad OCD mental urges. It’s taking over her every day to day being. She’s unable to walk, or get an object without having to stop and touch things, tap things, open and close. It takes forever to get out of the house and bedtime is a complete nightmare. I try talking to her to help her ignore the urges but nothing is helping. She’s in tears daily saying how she wants it to stop, how she doesn’t want to live this way and wants to just be normal like everyone else. Nothing I try and do to help is working. She fights me saying she can’t stop, the urges are just too strong. I’m trying to be calm and sensitive but I’m losing my mind. I have two other children who it’s effecting too and I’m a single mom trying to navigate this on my own. PLEASE I need help.

I've been struggling a lot with giving into my obsessive thoughts and compulsively downloading Grindr. I've always thought of myself as asexual, since I was 14. Recently, I've thought of myself more as queer (like more open sexually). But the thought of doing anything with another guy makes me think God will do something to hurt someone I love (family, friends, etc.) I keep wanting to "get myself out there and experience new things", but not at the expense of my loved ones. It feels like everyday I download the app (to make other queer friends or "try something new") but I always end up deleting it out of fear that God will kill someone I love. It's a constant spiral of indecision and craziness in my head and I just want to stop caring about that dang app. But I always convince myself, "it's okay, God will forgive you, try it out", only to get the same "I will hurt someone you love if you don't delete that app". Just really tired and I keep giving into my compulsions surrounding that whole thing, I don't know how to stop.

For me it depended on the subtype. Back in My sophomore year of highschool I had existential ocd (though I didn’t know I had ocd so I just thought I had an existential crisis cause my ocd went into remission after) and I had it about 6-7 months? Currently dealing with a few subtypes but the big ones are POCD,real event OCD and false memory OCD. Just curious cause I’ve definitely have been doing better since December when they first appeared but yknow I’m tired of dealing with them too haha 😅 (I’m planning to do ERP I just gotta have the time cause I’m a senior in high school and I’m gonna be busy for the past 2 weeks ) and no I’m sadly not diagnosed with OCD yet but I put heavy amounts of research into things like that (also cause I was doing research on ocd as a compulsion of course 😭) Also sorry if this is super unorganized even in writing my adhd makes me go off topic lmao.

This is a very personal story for me, so keep that in mind as you read. But I feel prompted to share this so that it might help you as well. 9 years ago, I embarked on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to Ghana, West Africa. I was 18 years old and I was so excited and ready to be a missionary. I was scared of going to Ghana, because I had never been to an African country before, but I was excited and ready for the adventure. Being a missionary was something I had wanted to do my entire life. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to one day serve a mission. So there I was, a missionary, in Ghana. Doing what I had always dreamed of doing. Then one day, I got hit with the most terrifying thoughts that felt like a semi-truck just ran me over. They came all of a sudden without warning. “What if you’re gay and you secretly are attracted to your companion? What if you’ve been lying to yourself your entire life?”. These thoughts were accompanied by astronomic amounts of anguish and fear. “No no no, I would never do that! That’s not me!! No no no” I cried. I suddenly began to question and over analyze everything I ever thought to be true about myself. Analyzing every thought, and action I had ever produced. And I would talk myself down and try to rationalize my way out of these thoughts that after all, weren’t wanted. That didn’t work. I found myself in this overwhelming and uncontrollable cycle. I’d try to read my scriptures as part of our daily personal study but I’d just be zoned out, staring at the wall. And my companion eventually started to notice my behaviors and would ask “are you ok dude?”. In a desperate attempt for relief, I would get on my knees and pray, pleading to God to take this away. “I don’t want this!” I would complain. “God please help me! I’m suffering! And I’m trying to do your work!” But I felt so empty. So alone. So confused! I’ve never wanted any of this! So why does it feel so real? This lasted for about 6 months, and looking back, those were some of the darkest months of my entire life. I contemplated going home. I felt like I had totally lost myself. But, I made a decision. I remember praying one day and saying “God, I’m gonna stay out here, and I’m gonna do your work. Just help me get through this day.” And I started focusing on missionary work. And I felt the Lord strengthening me. I’d be ruminating constantly, until we went to teach someone, and then my mind would be so calm and clear and I could feel God helping me know what to say to our friends we were teaching to help them come closer to Jesus Christ. Then, once the lesson was over, I’d be right back to ruminating again. But each time we would sit down to teach and visit with our friends, the rumination would stop. Eventually, I started having fun, completely forgetting about the intrusive thoughts and I started to love my mission! Looking back, what helped was that I chose to stick to my values and live the life I wanted to live regardless of the thoughts in my head. And most importantly, I decided to lay this unbearable burden at the feet of my Savior Jesus Christ. And he guided me, and strengthened me, and prompted me on what to do. He prompted me to call the mission mental health specialists and they put me on Sertraline, which is a common go to medication for OCD. A scripture from the Bible that I think describes my experience perfectly is “…whosever shall lose his life for my sake, shall find it”. By the time my 2 years of service was up, I didn’t want to come home, and I was so confident in who I was. Those intrusive thoughts were no longer apart of me. I did exactly what that scripture said. I just surrendered everything to the Lord and committed to follow him and serve him. And he blessed me, comforted me, and delivered me. There’s a hymn in our church with a line that says “I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand!” And that was so true for me. Now notice, that God did not immediately take away my OCD, but instead, he allowed me to pass through that trial and he essentially prompted me to do what I now know as ERP. I had no idea at the time that I was suffering from OCD. But he did! And he knew what the treatment was. Fast forward to now, I’m married to my amazing wife, and we have a 2 year old son, and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted or thought it would be. I will forever be grateful for the 2 years I spent as a missionary. I just wanted to put this out there for anyone who is struggling, and to tell you that Jesus Christ is real! He knows you personally, and he will strengthen you in your trials and he is aware of all you’re going through. From personal experience, I can tell you that if you put your burden at His feet, he will strengthen you. It won’t be immediate, but if you allow him, he will guide you and strengthen you and cause you to stand. Hang in there everyone.

Is it possible to have OCD without the unpleasent thinking? I have to do certain things, but not because of me thinking someting bad will happen if i dont do it. I Just feel like doing something like touching something "good" but i dont have the stulid thinking...

I have made some real strides forward with resisting compulsions for a few of my subtypes, and they have gotten better over time, amazingly! I have a question about having your sleep disturbed. For instance. I will sometimes wake up out of a perfect calm sleep with the thought “I’m gonna die someday.”. I’m used to it happening so I try to dismiss it and go back to sleep, but it’s so frustrating. I am one month into an amazing relationship with a guy who adores me. He’s perfect for me on paper and great to be around in person, really someone I could see spending my life with, or so my rational brain says. However, I am experiencing the most physically taxing, intense anxiety I have EVER come across because of this relationship. I had a fear of ROCD becoming a problem in this relationship, and I feel like it self fulfilled. I get these sudden feelings that I’m moving too fast, saying too much, saying things I don’t mean, and like I don’t know if I actually like him even though in my heart I do. I spent easily one of my worst nights last night, I barely slept a single wink, and when I would doze, my subconscious felt like it was setting me on fire. I had such a fear of letting my mind relax. Couldn’t stop ruminating, panicking, replaying everything that was said between us (we had our “what are we” talk). I am physically ill from the stress, although I think that I was also food poisoned at the same time from something I ate, so last night was hell. Strangely, when the sun came up I started to feel more rational again and be able to talk myself down, and say no, you don’t have to run or fight or do anything, but it was impossible in the night. Anyway, I know with OCD the specifics shouldn’t be dwelled on or called attention to, OCD is OCD is OCD. However, I was hoping maybe someone had ideas on how to keep my subconscious from destroying me as soon as my guard goes down and I try to rest. I don’t ever want to experience what I just went through again.

Does anyones OCD thoughts seem Natural like where do they come from? Also I’m trying with ERP but I’ve been suffering for a long time so sometimes the thoughts don’t cause anxiety so they sort of just zip in and out of my brain before I can catch them. Does anyone know how to tackle this with ERP?

Cam harm ocd come out as statements in your head? I’m really scared rn and I feel like my head is going to explode. I having these terrible intrusive thoughts about my mom and family and am afraid to go home but I need to go home today from my boyfriends house. The intrusive thoughts are afraid of hurting her. It’s like they are like “ what if you want to hurt her” or “you want to hurt her” and I love my mom and I would never ever want to hurt anyone and I’m very very scared. We had a frustrating conversation with each other last week that I think is making my ocd latch on to it and be scared that I’m a terrible person who’s a psychopath. Am I a psychopath? What’s happen with my brain? I’m so terrified. Please someone tell me if this is something crazy or if this is ocd please? I’m very very scared.

the fear of schizophrenia is absolutely so strong, I want reassurance but I know it doesn’t help. I’m having relationship thoughts, I’m looping on every single thing that goes on in my days I am so lost and I don’t want to live this way anymore. It is so hard. I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending hellacious dream and all I want to do is cry. No one around me understands, I feel like I am crazy and I’ve lost my mind. I’m so tired :/

I really don't know what to do! I'm so exhausted in every way possible! I have a fear of vomiting in public and I get very anxious/nauseous when I go out! Today is mother's day and my family really want me to go out with them for lunch. I knew it would be very difficult for me but not this much!!! I've been crying all morning and I feel so sick. I even woke up in the middle of the night shaking and so dizzy! My mum is angry because she really wants me to defeat my anxiety. I understand she means well but sometimes the way she acts makes me feel worse. My dad also wants me to get better but he seems to have a more calm and understanding approach. He told me that I seem more anxious than usual today (which is true) and that I need to do what I'm comfortable with. He knows that in order to get better I need to step out of my comfort zone and I do too but I feel as if there's a limit. Today I'm just sooooooo panicked!!! In the past I've been too anxious to go somewhere and then a few months later I was able to do it! So if I don't end up going today I'm going to keep that in mind and keep trying! I'm going to try not to let it get me down! I just wish I could go out like a normal person and not have to go through all this shit. I'm absolutely sick of it. What's worse is I've technically been like this my whole life! I've never known what it's like to be normal. I'm turning 18 soon and I really want to get better. I've taken a lot of steps this year including therapy. I'm very proud of myself for that. If anyone has been through anything similar or has any advice for me please let me know. I really don't know what to do.

So I scrolling through tiktok and there was a psychology video and it said that there’s no such thing as a accidental slip of the tongue and that a verbal blunder is a subconscious expression of their true thoughts and feelings and that similar thing they said sounds close to a Freudian slip which is people who accidentally say something that they desire. But when I was doing a mental compulsion I told myself “stop saying would want to”but i was supposed to say stop saying want to” and ocd keeps since I messed up what I was saying that is a subconscious desire that I actually want it when I don’t actually want it. I’m stressed asf right now and don’t know how to get through this

I feel like a main problem that I am never able to get over is the guilt from intrusive thoughts. That part has been weighing me down recently rather then having trouble with uncertainty. I know I am not my thoughts but I can’t get rid of this guilt that is always following me around.

Everyday seems like a struggle. 53 years old. Had good periods, bad periods. Just feels like the meds are not doing anything anymore. I somehow get through it, because I know that giving in to it, is even worse. I want relief. I also see my 11 year old daughter struggle with some of this stuff. Hard at the moment.

Anyone else with existential OCD, how does this theme manifest for you? I obsess all day over if, how, and why I exist and it paralyzes me with fear. Therapy has been helping but the exposures make the anxiety spike and the thoughts just race and I ruminate all day. If anyone wants to share what they are going through please share.

Hi everyone, I’m having a slight spiral of a memory from last year when my OCD first majorly spiraled or as some say “my brain broke”. My mom was so worried when I went through this she nearly put me in a psychiatric hospital. I’ve had intrusive thoughts about pretty much anything you can think of; pocd, rocd, zocd and unfortunately it goes on and on. I’ve been able to manage (for the most part) with exposure therapy and medication but I do still trip up from time to time. Like today. I was petting my cat and giving him belly scratches this morning when I remembered an incident from a year ago. I used to have intrusive thoughts and images of harming him and these would always be followed by breakdowns and asking for reassurance from my mom and best friend. I told my therapist and with her help we wrote a script about me acting on these thoughts and used it for exposure therapy. One day, I was in such distress about thoughts of me strangling him. I needed to know I would never do it. So I found him laying down, and gently put my thumb and index finger under his chin and around his neck, not squeezing but just holding it there. I felt immediate relief , there was no way I could hurt him, he was so cute. My cat was just sitting and looking at me, not doing much, unbothered even (if I remember correctly, even that is tripping me up). I told my OCD therapist about this and she actually seemed surprised in a good way that I did it, she said me doing this was almost like an exposure. I don’t know if I believe her as it definitely felt compulsive. Another time I squeezed a part of his primordial pouch because it looked squishy and I was curious about what he would do. Did it hurt him? Would it tickle? Does it have feeling? I held a piece of it and gently squeezed it and he didn’t even flinch, he just stretched out wanting more belly rubs. But the fact that it could have hurt him and I did it anyway is a big deal for me. I’ve cried about this many times. I’m feeling like a bad person today. I wanted to go out and enjoy my weekend, the weather is beautiful. But instead I’m inside , ruminating and going doing a rabbit hole. I could really use someone to talk to, has anyone gone through something like this? Thank you for any help you can give me

I know this might be reassurance seeking but this is on repeat in my mind

Trigger warning! So I often do this and it then makes me feel worse, for example I will hug my niece and it will feel wrong so I will hug her again exactly how I hugged her initially to check that it was ok how I hugged her and then of course it will feel wrong again and like I did it on purpose now so I will feel even worse, I’m pretty sure this is a checking compulsion and I always fall into it’s trap Bc I feel the need to check what happened to make sure it was ok but then it feels even worse Bc I purposely did it again, and then my mind goes omg why did you do it again and sometimes I will check multiple times Bc I’m checking to almost reenact what I first did to makes sure it was ok, anyone relate ?? The guilt and shame feel so real when I do this 😓