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I'm really afraid that one day my traumatizing exposure to adult content is going to ruin my life. I'm already convinced that it has because of how addicted I became and how it escalated. I was never worried about the things I worry about now before being exposed to this. I seriously feel like this stuff has messed up my life and it kept me from growing out of my teens normally. I have very low self esteem, low self confidence and respect, and I'm constantly worried and depressed about the past. It's so dark and it's disgusting and I can't do anything about it now. Very few people know about how I'm suffering with this but they don't know the details. I know I'm not what my OCD tells me I am and I know that porn has fucked up my mind and my well being but I also fear that these actions are going to mess things up for me in the future

I've noticed myself becoming so hypervigilant and on the look out for triggers or anything that could possibly trigger me. Sometimes when walking on rhe streets I'd always see things that trigger me (e.g. rainbow or women dressed like tomboy, avoiding circles or spheres) and sometimes because I get so hypervigilant I might have the same anxious reaction to the opposite sex (which is what I was always attracted to) and then it leads to a spiral of 'wait why did I react anxious or feel anxiety when seeing that guy or seeing something that looked like a p***is). For example, today i was in the kitchen and was feeling super hypervigilant when picking up bowls or any utensils that in my head were sphere shaped or in some crazy way resembled a woman's chest area (i can't even say the word sometimes). My mum was holding a chilli (which could potentially or in my head be associated with a male private part) but because I was so hyperaware before, I had the same anxious reaction to when I turned and saw the chilli. And that made me question myself even more like 'what if i don't want to be with a man? Or what if this meant that i was gay/bi?' Also with checking sometimes are people sometimes unable to imagine? (Like checking if feeling aroused by imagining a woman naked) - sometimes it works to imagine it and i feel nausea but there are times where i can't imagine it and it scares me like what if it's true or i liked it this whole time?

Is it worth scheduling a free call with somebody on here? I see a therapist and have a psychiatrist but have been really struggling lately and just trying to find new things that work. I’ve been on here for a bit and it has been so helpful to hear everybody’s stories and to know that I’m not alone, but just trying to do more to get this pain in the ass under control so I can enjoy life! I’m on medicine and I talk to my therapist monthly but I just feel like I need to do soemtjing else because I am just at a breaking point right now and am so frustrated.

Anyone here struggle with intense, intrusive thoughts and is also a Christian? It’s been so hard to believe that God can forgive me for the thoughts that I have been dealing with specifically related to causing harm to those I love, myself and even total strangers, and as a follower of Jesus I’ve wondered so many times how on earth could I possibly have thoughts like this? It terrifies me

I recently told my fiance what has been going on with me since it just started to occur and I couldn't stop myself from crying and hiding it. I currently have been having intrusive thoughts like POCD becuase of something I watched on TV. And now I am having regrets on telling him becuase I am scared he might tell someone and my life will change I never wanted these thoughts in the first place I don't want to be seen as a pedo for something I didn't do or can control yet mentally....I'm scared he might use it against me now it's making it worse and idk what to do I love him so much but I keep thinking he will tell his family since they are so close....he told me he wouldn't but it just keeps bothering me I love his family I don't want them to think differently of me....what do I do?

Lately I’ve been actively trying to adjust the way I see my anxiety, and the way I respond to it. Some days I get unlucky and it’s just day, sitting in my chest all day, I don’t know the specific reason most of the time, and usually when this happens I get so angry that it won’t go away, I end up spiraling trying to figure out why it’s there, and I end up having more anxiety about how frustrated I am that I’m having anxiety. So, recently I decided to treat my hard anxiety days like I would any lifelong physical illness. For example: I have IBS and days where I have pain most of the day while it is frustrating, I just acknowledge its presence and be gentle with myself in the ways I need to, but for the most part I go about my day, so I’ve started treating my anxiety this way, instead of lingering on why it’s there and why I can’t shake it completely, I just go “oh, I guess todays a flare up, that sucks” and just do what I can that day and allow it to coexist. I think we forget a lot of mental illnesses (if not all) are lifelong in some capacity, and that like physical illnesses they come and go and we have bad days, weeks, months, and than good ones again. I’m not saying physical illnesses are easier to deal with of course, but we tend to be kinder to ourselves about their validity and learn to coexist with them, when mental illnesses are the same. I’m nowhere near perfect at this method yet, but it’s helped tremendously, I’ve started wanting to actually go out and do things even when I don’t feel great, because I’ve decided it can be present but so can I. Just thought I’d share this perspective shift in case it might work for others like it has myself ❤️

I have ocd but my house is always messy I can’t seem to clean it and when I try it’s like I can’t do it right and I can’t get things organized the way they need to be and I obsess over it constantly thinking it can be better so I give up and then I stress and get depressed over it but I don’t know what to do

sometimes it feels like if i talk about my ocd stuff to my therapist especially about when it was at its worst then i get stuck on how bad it was and scared it will get that bad again and then it scares me it could happen now right when ive been feeling better than i have in a long time like honestly on my drive home i was like oh god and i have to just go maybe you will maybe you wont i also think my ocd gets worse when i pms so thats a factor but yeah the fear of ocd taking me down again becomes its own theme and then its like your mind starts thinking of thoughts it hasnt in a long time on purpose or something very annoying

Please, this isn't for anyone under 18, don't read. At the beginning of 2021 I remember I was still relatively new with OCD and just like now I was struggling with my porn addiction back then but it was a one of the first moments where I knew I had a problem with it. I was looking for porn that focused on my fetish with I'm not bothered by but I wanted something more from it and escalated by searching for something taboo with it included. I don't know why but I typed "lil sis" for it and I'm assuming the main focus for it was incest taboo which still makes me sick either way. After finishing I just closed the tabs and ended up crying so hard because it feels like the addiction completely took over and changed me and it made me a terrible person from there on out. I'm remembering this moment from two years ago and I'm remembering all of the other regrettable, horrible videos I've had no problem seeing through escalation and it's making me very depressed, in physical pain, and no motivation to do anything. All I've been doing to pass the time this week is looking through forums to see if anyone is trying to get through similar things. I've found posts that helped but it didn't help in the long run as I'm still doing the searching. I just feel disgusting. I know that this addiction is messing up my life and I can't even move past this because now my intrusive thoughts are saying I'm a complete pedophile for this and that it wasn't POCD since i acted on this even though I don't believe that was the reason. For the record, I didn't find anything bad while searching that. I didn't even really watch a full video. Porn just continues to make me feel like an absolute terrible human being. Whether it's not knowing the age of women in it, women looking younger than I want them to be, making sure that they're adults by either actively searching with "adult woman" in the titles or them being a lot more older than I am, ruminating about the bad things I've seen with cartoons, anime, and unfortunately real videos of other teens that were not meant to be pornographic when I was a young teen, I just hate myself so much for going through with this. I can't get over it. I just want to get help physically and mentally but I can't ever bring myself to speak up about this to my parent.

I've been at this a long time. I often wonder if it's no longer OCD (I know, doubting). I feel like every thought and conversation in my head that is Harm related or evil in nature, has been and just is the new normal. I'll give you examples. I can't even speak to or even hear from my loved ones around me without having an initial vile thought. I can be speaking to my own mother or father, they can be talking about whatever, and my response to then in my head is a vile harm or sexual thought. This is almost all the time. When that doesn't happen, it's because I'm breathing and trying to suppress my thoughts. It's basically my nature to have the terrible and I mean GRAPHIC terrible thoughts first;then replace after with something or ignore after. But it's almost always there. It's like having a snarky evil response ready all times. I can be speaking with my angel of a mom like I was just minutes ago, and can have a very violent in my head towards her and it's usually never a "what if" or "even I wish" it's more like" I'm going to ____" and I have a vivid imagination so much of that response seems down right crazy. It doesn't help that when I'm in panic mode like now, I have very little sleep and everything irritates me and I feel like more thoughts come on but wonder if it's real anger and desires or not? I love my family very much. But I don't want to come off as someone that wouldn't hurt a fly. I'm a regular guy. I have my faults and can be quick to frustration or not always be so nice in general. I know many of the community members here are sweet and probably more caring an individual than I. So that of course adds to my doubts. Maybe I'm just a piece of trash that is evil or had become that way over time. This started 9 years ago. Never really goes away and of course I've become depressed and bitter by it and my overall station in life because of it over time. I just worry I don't have OCD or that becauss I've purposely checked and created too many compulsions (my own failed ERP) over time in so many ways, that not my mind can never be fixed or at peace. That this will always be how I think and whatever good nature I have in me, will now always be secondary or hidden by this monster. I'm sorry if this triggers anyone in anyway. Not sure anyone can relate. Just needed to get this off my chest somehow because I'm in a desperate and emotional place right now.

My thoughts started about 4 days ago when I saw Law and Order I have always been sensitive about certain things but I wanted to watch something with my Fiance since he is into that show. What triggered me was it was a scene were a old man was taking advantage of children just because he was rich in a poor neighborhood. It seemed like no one wanted to help put him away they seems almost ok with it becuase he provided for the community. After seeing that my mind started to think of the things happening to those children and I started to put myself in those situations and my mind would just keep going and knowing I have never had those thoughts before now there just stuck in my head and I just can't get rid of them...I don't want to be like this I just want to be normal again the guilt of having those thoughts are eating at me I just want to hid...

I’ve been dating this guy since February and we became official in April. Until yesterday I’ve always felt respected by him. But I think the past week he’s been kind of acting out of character/talking to me like how he talks to his friends. Last night he was showing me a video and I didn’t understand it at first and he goes “are you slow? How do you not get it?” Like am I just being sensitive or is that disrespectful because it really hurt my feelings and I told him in the moment and I think he wasn’t expecting me to cry and say I might go home because it really hurt me (I use to be sped in school so it’s a touchy subject for me too). I need help am I just crazy like I can’t shake this anxiety

I'm not sure if this is me or to class it as sensorimotor OCD ? As I had this issue years and it comes and goes but my fear never happens and this time it's stayed since my last relapse even my dpdr from 2021. But I always get this feeling like I need to pee but it will be a drop and I will keep peeing as it feels urgent and that I need too asap ! I have been doing erp not using the toilet all the time learning control to hold but it's always this feeling it has got alot better but Its horrible and ruins my life!! I even put a nappy as a pad as I feel like I can only not need one if I do a complusion I don't pee in it tho it's just there and my bladder feels calm it only happens outside

Everytime i listen to someones harm ocd story they always say they would avoid knifes or avoid driving or avoid being around certain people/places objects to MAKE SURE this intrusive obsession does not happen! I don’t avoid!! I still have to be around my animal, i still cook with knifes even though it really feels like im about to do it! I still keep the things in my house that im thinking of using for harm ( objects ect) I really dont understand why im not avoiding these things to make sure it doesn’t happen if i get the feeling or truly believe i could do it im about to do it! Please advice i just feel like i must deep down want to do it if im not preventing it from happening in anyway! I feel like i have no compulsions so this cant be ocd

I've really been struggling with this constant looming thought that I've ruined my brain. Mainly, I worry that I've ruined it smoking weed mixed with antidepressants. At the time, I was so tired of worrying. I had just withdrawn from school and I was having a really hard time. I've been completely clean of it for around 2 months, but I worry that the usage (almost daily) mixed with antidepressants has ruined my ability to learn. The sad part is, when you're constantly looking for proof that you've lost it, you're always finding it. I try really hard to follow my ERP lessons. Sitting in the discomfort, allowing the thoughts to be there, ignoring my compulsions, but it's like it never passes. Any mess up in my speech or mistake while writing is proof my brain is not the same and I'll never be able to complete what I want to in life.

I work at a restaurant and it’s normal to somewhat feel the need to clean a lot of areas to keep the restaurant hospitable. But it’s so obsessive. My hands are incredibly dry because (I am not being dramatic) every minute I am using hand sanitizer and I keep a towel on me so I can wipe tables even if I watched them get wiped down. This isn’t just at my job, but it’s just one of the many examples.

18+ so i was going about my business last night to watch some adult content and saw an ad that made me question it was a place to meet minors (i have doubt it was but) and i know i didn’t want anything like that but for a second i was going to continue on the website to look at the adult content (which was certainly nothing close to a minor) before freaking out and realizing and not wanting to on that website i know people support bad corporations and stuff all the time but this is starting to tear me apart and i feel like an awful person

I had intrusive thoughts about my sexuality in 2017. These caused me great distress and really awful days back then. I remember getting through it. It took me a couple months to get through it but eventually I felt like myself again. I remember crying in class it was my senior year and it was so hard to concentrate on anything. I got through it alone without therapy or medication. Recently I took a 100mg delta 8 edible that caused a intense panic attack and multiple that followed for weeks. It caused intense harm ocd that is bothering me and I had a flare up today. I get thoughts i will cause mass violence or violence to my loved ones. I am a very loving, gentle person. I saw a psychiatrist some weeks ago and I feel misdiagnosed. He said I had MDD which I do not agree with because i love life and everything it has to offer. I get extremely scared of going insane, psychotic or manic. I have never had delusions or hallucinations. I just can’t shake the horrendous thoughts i get. Im on buspirone and hydroxyzine, i do want to get off the buspar but need to see my doctor again first. I want to pull through this the first time I did. The first time around was also caused from marijuana use .( stupid of me that I didn’t learn from the first time around I know.) I can’t wait to get back to the old me. Im trying to show self compassion and love but when im in a flare up I feel better off dead or as if I would rather cut my hands off before ever hurting anyone . I cry so much and get extremely tired of those ugly thoughts. I feel lost and that im losing my entire life.

Hello! I’ve recently been struggling with False memory OCD and it’s been wreaking some havoc in the past couple weeks/month. I also, have been struggling with relationship OCD on top of that…. I’ve been in a pretty serious relationship with my long distance partner. I recently moved to a new state to get better job opportunities and we’ve both been incredibly supportive of each other and our career goals. Being in a long distance relationship isn’t easy, but it certainly got a lot harder when I started my new job and met another co-worker whom I developed a small work crush on. This was already super distressing because it sort of just popped up and it’s not something I could have ever wanted for myself. I figured maybe it cropped up due to the long distance and feeling lonely? I digress. The event in question in which I’m having the false memory pop up is this: My new co workers and I went out dancing at a country bar in which said work crush attended. I had no intention of dancing with this person but low and behold-we pretty much danced all night. This caused some distress but after awhile it became fun and I told myself not to worry and that nothing I was doing was wrong (To preface my partner knew I was going dancing and I didn’t hide the fact that I would be dancing with other people) The part where I’m struggling with False memory is specifically when the song Neon Moon came on. Now, I’ve always had this thing that I love to dance to that song…and some part of me thinks it would be cute to dance to the song with someone you like. I made a vague comment or two about wanting to dance to it and almost hoped that we could dance to it as well. I know deep down that in reality that me wanting to dance with a work crush to neon moon wouldn’t have led to anything romantic. I wouldn’t have tried anything or crossed any lines or boundaries. This isn’t about finding a new partner or having a secret fling, but it’s the fact that I sort of asked? That maybe the fact that I even wanted to do that in the first place feels like I’ve crossed a line. Just having the thought or feeling. To be clear we never danced to it, BUT the fact that I ASKED. Did I want something more, did I want it to happen? Is even having the feeling there taboo. I’ve hung out with this person with other people and have hardly hung out with them alone. I’m some cases I feel like I’ve already done some forms of exposure therapy due to the fact that I had no choice but to do so. For now I consider him a good friend and haven’t had any incidents like that happened since. However, ever time I rethink that ONE moment out of the many. It breaks my heart to think that I could have flirted with another guy when I’d rather be with my boyfriend. I don’t want my relationship to end and I don’t want to break their trust. Every time my partner says such amazing and lovely things to me I think back on that night and feel like I’m a terrible person and that I don’t deserve them at all. So sorry for such a long post and normally I don’t post these things but this place seems like a great community. What do you guys think? Thanks for reading…

Yesterday I visited the mental health service in the city hospital where I live for a psychiatric consultation in regards to OCD, anxiety and potentially depression because of the intrusive thoughts. I've been dealing with these intrusive thoughts on what if I'm gay/bisexual for around 4 to 5 months now and since the thoughts have been there for so long it feels so so so so so real like I am but am in denial. People may have seen my posts. These whole 5 months I've been anxious with these thoughts and overthinking and ruminating the whole time. Sometimes I think what if the thoughts are in fact true and I'm just lying or I don't have OCD. Last night I could barely sleep waking up 3 times in the night and I woke up this morning feeling these thoughts were actually true and had the thought of jumping off my balcony (eventhough I didn't) because of how intense and real the thoughts feel and how I feel a lack of hope. When I had the appointment yesterday, the psychiatrist mentioned the possibility of GAD and trauma (because I mentioned how my dad was a bit of my way or the high way at times) and briefly OCD. I sent them the document I used to track the intrusive thoughts and what I believe were OCD or anxiety in the past (the document was around 34 pages) yet in my head I started worrying that what if they misdiagnose me or misunderstand my thoughts as being in denial or what if they only treat me for trauma or see my parents as unfit and do something about that. And then it led me to waking up this morning crying that what if I'm stuck like this forever and I made a horrible mistake yesterday. I'm constantly going over the people I saw yesterday and usually I would just disregard it or forget about it but for some reason yesterday and the people I saw feels so real in the sense my brain says I was attracted to them (like when I asked for directions on the street and this lady with a American accent helped me, I liked the sound of the accent and when I did the checking in my head of seeing her naked I was disgusted but in my head it felt so real that because I liked her accent that would mean that I was attracted to her). At this point I don't even know what's true or not or what's real or not. I feel hopeless and that the thoughts feel sooo much more real than ever. I'm also having thoughts that what if because I'm reading about OCD I'm just making stuff up to fit the case, which again terrifies me and makes me scared that what if that's true. I'm just so tired and exhausted. This isn't for reassurance more so me venting and hoping for some supportive words and guidance in the comments.