TW // angel numbers // mention of death
I was recently diagnosed with OCD caused by PTSD. Iāve never told anyone my story because I feel like itās such a specific obsession/compulsion that not many people relate to. I want to tell my (extremely long) story in hopes that someone else who may be experiencing this wonāt feel so alone.
Over 10 years ago, I met a guy on Omegle. It was weird, but we continued to communicate over the years by coming in and out of each otherās lives. We never met in person, but we loved each other deeply. In 2020, I hadnāt talked to him for a while but I randomly saw a Snapchat story of his. He sent me a message shortly after saying āhey strangerā and we quickly reconnected. It was like no time had passed, but we had both been through some serious life experiences since the last time we had talked. Within months, we were talking about our relationship and our future together just like we did when we were younger, but this time we were old enough and had the means to carry out these plans. Shortly after, I noticed a change in his behavior. I saw him commenting on other girlās posts while he was still telling me he was in love with me and while we were making plans to be together. I came to find out that he was on tinder. I confronted him and he claims he deleted it by sending me screenshots of it being deleted. I believed him. Weeks later, our communication ended. I felt sick and abandoned by the one person Iāve truly loved.
Months later, he wished me a happy birthday and I said thank you out of obligation. 7 months later, I got this overwhelming feeling that I needed to check up on him. I went to his Instagram page and scrolled to the tagged photos. There it was- something I never thought Iād have to face. I saw multiple posts saying goodbye to him as he had passed away in an accident a couple weeks prior. I felt my world crash. No matter how bad he hurt me, I felt that the love of my life was gone and I would never get to meet him, touch him, hold him, kiss him, or experience life with him. All the things I had wished to experience with him were now just a dream.
I started trying to find ways of coping with his death. I reached out to his mom and she told me that he had always said he was going to marry me. I couldnāt even imagine what his family was facing. I needed comfort in any way possible. Tiktok was becoming more popular at the time and so was the practice of spirituality and witchcraft. I ended up on that side of tiktok and indulged myself in it. I started asking the universe for signs and I started asking him to send me signs if he was okay. I asked him to send me 444 as a sign that he was with me. Within days, I was seeing 444 everywhere. I started relying on seeing 444 for comfort. I would talk to him as if he was near me.
After some time, I met a new guy. In this situationship, I asked the āuniverseā or āmy guidesā for signs that meant specific things, such as 973 meaning that my relationship with this new guy would work out and that 733 meant we were soulmates. It started getting really out of hand. I would start my mornings scrolling through tiktok looking at the numbers of likes, comments, and shares on videos looking for these numbers. I needed to see these numbers every day because (in my mind), if I didnāt see it, we wouldnāt be together and I wasnāt okay with that. At first, it started off as numbers only meaning good things, but when I noticed something off in this new situationship, I asked for a sign of 358 if there was a āthird partyā involved (simply put- if he was seeing someone else). But I also asked for the sign of 235 if he wasnāt seeing someone else. I started seeing both of the signs, but it was confusing as the meanings were completely opposite and contradictory of each other. I started feeling crazy because I was seeing both of these signs. Over time, that situationship ended but I would still see the signs like 973, 733, 358, and 235. I felt crazy.
A couple months later, I flew to a different state for a festival and reconnected with an old friend. I met him in 2008 and I remember being so head over heels for him (letās call him A). I still think he was my first love. We ādatedā in middle school, but it didnāt last long. We stopped contact and he got a girlfriend a couple years later. They were together for like 7 years, but he and I would talk every now and then just casually. We met up once or twice while they were together but just as friends. They broke up around 2019 and we got in contact again. I had moved a couple hours away from home, but he came to visit me in my new house. This was the first time we ever had hung out as more than friends. We would talk every few months and he mentioned he has moved to a different state (which brings me back to the beginning of this paragraph lol). I knew he lived in the state that I was going to for the festival, so I texted him and asked if he was available. I skipped a whole day and a half of the festival to see him. It was the happiest I had been in years. I remember the love I felt and I felt so alive. It felt like a break from the obsession with seeing angel numbers regarding my last situationship. I flew back home but A and I kept texting almost daily. We planned for him to visit a couple months later and he did. Then I went back out there a few months after that. Everything felt like it was getting serious with us. Soon enough, I started creating new angel numbers regarding the relationship with A. Like before, the numbers started out having only positive meanings.
Come to today, I moved out to the state where he lives and we now live together. But I have constant fears from previous experiences. I ask the universe, spirit guides, God ā whatever or whoever Iām asking ā to show me numbers like 838 if heās cheating or 482 if weāre going to break up. Some days, I see these numbers EVERYWHERE and I become so filled with anxiety and fear. I feel like I canāt escape it. Part of me shuts down like my world is ending. I look at every license plate I pass, every price tag, numbers or likes/comments/shares on social media posts, the time- anything with numbers. Often, Iāll open apps just to search for numbers like theyāre a sign.
I started becoming obsessed with asking pendulum readers and tarot readers on tiktok questions like āis he cheatingā. One person said that he was being intimate with someone else and from that point on, I became obsessed with asking for a sign of 838 if heās cheating or 228 if he isnāt. But I see both everywhere, it makes me feel like the universe is playing games with me.
Hereās my biggest issue: Part of me wants to believe that these are just numbers and it doesnāt mean anything, but then that would mean that the good numbers donāt mean anythingā¦ like 443 meaning weāll stay together happily, or 228 meaning heās not cheating. Iām at a loss and I donāt know what to do. I havenāt been able to find treatment. I havenāt told A that Iām experiencing thisā¦ part of me wants to but I donāt know how heād react. Itās like a constant battle.
Anyways, if youāre here, thank you for reading. Youāre officially the first to know my story ā¤ļø I hope it wasnāt a rambling mess.
