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the NOCD Community

Feeling a bit of spite with this disorder right now. I can feel my mind feeling a bit of dopamine looking at anything other than the thing I was obsessed with for a year and a half now because OCD ruined it for me. I want to go back so much to being in love with what I had before and dont want anything else because I'm so spiteful that OCD gets to run by and just destroy shit I love and then gets to go scott free? I can feel my mind trying to calm itself down from my OCD flare up and it feels like it's trying to stop it by finding other ways things to indulge but I don't want it. I want to indulge in what I had before.

Driving on highways with oncoming traffic, turning with oncoming traffic turning, driving past/oncoming semis, or narrow roads has been something my OCD has made me uncomfortable with for a while. Driving is a big part of my everyday life, so it's something I can't run away from. My one job, driving is centered around driving completely. It takes a lot of courage honestly. I try to almost welcome the uncomfortability. It's scary and hard but I know avoiding it will only cripple me. So when driving, if there's turn lanes with opposing turn lanes, I will turn in the lane closest to the other turn lane. If it's a 4 lane high way, I will drive in the lane closest the the other side of the road. If I'm on the interstate, I will intentionally pass a semi. All of that is uncomfortable and scary for me. But I feel I have to bring the uncomfortability to me. Sometimes I choose not to drive on the closest side, or turn lane because my OCD can also latch onto my intent for exposures and turn it into a compulsion. Well with the uncomfortability around driving my OCD tries to send ALL sorts of alarms. "Did you move the wheel?, Did your hand move? Did you move towards the car? Were you too close to that car? Was that turn too close to the oncoming car? Did you move the wheel when passing the semi?, Did the wheel move because you hit a bump, was it the wind, was it you?, and the list goes on😅. I put that emoji because the OCD is so ridiculous that I'm like like, "come onnn OCD...is there anything else you want to hit me with?". I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let my OCD take from me. That's why I continue to face the uncomfortability head on. But by no means is it easy. It's really hard. Because any of those questions the OCD tries getting me stuck with, is hard to not fall into OCD's trap and let those questions get me to ruminate and start catastrophizing. It tried doing that to me this morning. Today the wheel felt "heavy" and of course the OCD tried "poking me" repeatedly. Basically like, "hey...hey...I'm talking to you! I know you hear me!". But here's the thing. I have to ride the wave. I can't throw in the towel and be like my day is ruined. I have a lot more driving to do today and I will get through it. "Riding the wave" is a very useful tool for me. It's essentially a reminder that the anxiety and fear will pass. Just how a wave forms and gets high but comes down into shore. That's what I try to remind myself of in moments like today. I hope we all can become stronger with being comfortable uncomfortable. That's a big goal for me. Because I feel achieving that will take the power away from The OCD. There's no rush though. I know WE can all achieve that. Day by day, guys. 💚

Can anyone relate?? Is anyone else's OCD so bad and ingrained in them that there whole day is taken up physical compulsions? So whenever I try to do something whether that is getting off the sofa, walking into another room, making a coffee or even typing this question I can't do it normally. Some examples are When getting off the sofa I stand up and have to instantly sit back down again before I can then stand up and walk to whatever it is I am going to do When making a coffee I have to get the cup out of the cupboard then put it back before getting it out again then flick the switch for my coffee machine on and off umpteen amount of times before I can even make the coffee When typing a message on my phone I have to delete a few words that I have typed just to re-type the exact same words Every single task that I do is done like this and I'm sure anyone would agree that this constitutes severe OCD that is going to be extremely difficult to break. I just wondered if anyone else's is this bad and if anyone has some advice they can offer me

I started with a bad flare up in September and I’m still very much in it? I’ve been to the doctors and am receiving therapy but I just can’t get out of my own head and be present. I do mental compulsions and sometimes I’m unaware I’m doing them. Any advice would be welcomed as this is hell.

Why does thinking of a future with your partner makes you anxious and worried? Sometimes i look at my partner and get anxious whenever i imagine living with him etc😞 i want it to go away, it makes me feel horrible because before i was ok with thinking of the future and excited, but now i feel like a liar whenever he asks me about moving in, getting married, having kids etc. i want to look at him and feel all the love i know i have for him and be sure of things

So I wanted to make an account on here because I need help distinguishing if it’s ocd or just plan anxiety. I have always been an anxious person, ever since I could remember. The earliest memory of me being anxious was when I was around 6-8 (memories from those years are blurred) and I’m 20 now. That being said, I’ve always been overly paranoid about my health, and always asking my mom or grandma to take me to the hospital because I thought that I broke something or I thought I had cancer, or some other health issue. I’ve also ruined a relationship recently because I was overly paranoid that I was doing something wrong in the friendship and I did something bad in our past, and I would always mention it and block afterwards after I apologize profusely. I realize I was in the wrong in this situation, which is why the sneaky feeling of me having ocd popped up, although I could be wrong. Another thing is that with my mental health, or health in general in recent times, I tend to spend at least 30 minutes to an hour making sure my symptoms aren’t anything that I deem “bad”. I tend to get extremely worried and irritable when people come into my space to help me clean or just to hang out, in fear they might find something or ruin my room in some way, which causes me to hide things that are really important to me, and if I can’t do that, then I don’t let people into my room. I also have a feeling that someone’s always following me or someone might pop up to my family home to kick us out, and it leads to me always checking windows, and I get extremely anxious when a car pulls into the driveway. I haven’t left the house in such a long time because of how bad my social anxiety is, for multiple reasons. Like I’m extremely scared of getting hurt or kidnapped, etc. Overall, my brain makes me think of the worst case scenario in most situations, and it’s hard for me to turn of my brain. All my life, most people and most doctors just chopped it to me being extremely anxious, but I don’t know if everything adds up to JUST anxiety, and I know I should tell this to my psychiatrist, but I’m not sure if I’m going crazy with thinking it’s something more than just anxiety, and it’s really frustrating.

So my biggest fear right now, and something that doesn’t allow me to be happy, make plans, go out a lot etc, is the fact that I’m terrified by imagining and thinking of the future with my bf, and me still being like this, having those spiraling moments, anxiety attacks, doubting of the relationship, not knowing if i love him (ocd lie). It freaks me out to think what if i stay and im never happy, what if im always sad and anxious, what if im not able to be intimate, what if i get worse after moving in together…. Advice for this

I’m pretty sure this is part three. I remember part one and two, so… 😂 Onto the topic: Everyone has intrusive thoughts, images and urges, but what matters is your reaction to them. Here are a few of my intrusive thoughts that I had today and my reaction—which will vary, depending on if I was busy at the moment or not. 1 “You’re going to be alone for the rest of your life” and my reaction was to continue working on my work assignment. I let it be present as I want about my day, 2. A groinal response to I don’t even know what. Sometimes it be like that 🤣 and my response was to let it be as I went about cleaning the dishes, 3. “Your hands are filthy after touching the closet door knob! you need to wash your hand” and my response was to not wash my hands.

Does anyone have advice on how to distinguish between ROCD and the wrong relationship? I have ended relationships due to a lot of unrelenting doubt and while I believe the doubt might have been related to actual incompatibility, I am worried it was actually ROCD… now I am having obsessive thoughts about whether I have ROCD or not, it’s exhausting.

My intrusive thoughts have been so consistent and loud and distressing I don’t know if what I’m feeling for my coworker (the reason the HOCD started) is false attraction or actual attraction. I never looked at her as more than a friend until one day I told myself “I wish I had this connection with my bf” after having intense ROCD for months prior. He and I started having opposite schedules and we never saw each other so it felt like I missing out intimate connection we had but of course ROCD made it 100x worse. It spiraled so bad from there. I’m having urges like I want to kiss her and touch her but I’ve NEVER had that before. It literally started with a thought to myself. Sometimes I can see myself w girl (I don’t get anxiety anymore I just feel numb) and sometimes it’s uncomfortable and not for me, and sometimes I can see myself with a man (I thought I was straight all my life), other times I don’t see myself with either. My thoughts did a complete 180° from before I had OCD and I truly don’t know what to believe about myself. I’m doubting every interaction I’ve ever made with guys even though I know I’ve never been attracted to girls growing up. This doesn’t feel like me but at the same time it does.

I just feel lost and I want to talk to someone about my possible Rocd journey and my thoughts but I don't have anyone.

Cw- SI, S/H references I try so hard just to let the thoughts be there and not bother me but they just keep coming back over and over, I don’t trust myself anymore I feel like an evil person and I just want to kill myself I’m so scared that I’m actually what my thoughts say I am, if I am then I will have to kill myself, it feels like a stain on my soul It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering mutilating parts of my body just so I can’t feel anything in those parts or ever use them again I can’t find any relief anywhere, I haven’t felt sure of myself in months, people always tell me it’s okay that I have these thoughts because I don’t want to act on them but my brain keeps saying I do and I would rather kill myself And I’m just so sick of the people saying to accept the uncertainty, I don’t want to have to carry this for the rest of my life I wish I could have literally any other subtype, which I know is selfish of me because everyone else here is suffering too but the stigma and the shame around this one actually sucks the joy out of everything I do

Ocd is killing me. I’ve at least calmed my emotions but my mind just won’t stop. One trigger after another. I’m scared of tomorrow that it will start all over again.

I feel so alone

Hi! So I have been struggling with this for 11+ years. It started when I was in HS and my boyfriend broke up with me, I was really sad and heartbroken. I was thinking about it a lot. I started to get annoyed that I was still sad and just wanted to move on. I was tired of thinking of it and being sad. On my way to school one day I was thinking about it and thought “oh well, I still have my friends, family and I have good grades.” I noticed that made me feel better. Then it was like something clicked in my brain. I thought, “wow, I just responded with a more positive thought and felt better.” I had struggled with social anxiety before this and always wanted to be confident and outgoing. So my next thought was “wow this must be how people are so confident and outgoing, they just think positive thoughts all the time and feel good.” Then I went to college and it started as maybe one thought in the morning like “ok I’m going to have a good day” and quickly spiraled into me trying to have positive thoughts all the time. I graduated and sought counseling and I don’t repeat positive thoughts anymore but ever since have struggled with the relationship with my thoughts. I am very fixated on whether we can control them or not. I feel in college I was trying to control them and we can’t. I also read Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts by Sally Winston and in it is says we can’t. I seem to know that we can’t control them but then I struggle with well what DO we control. My therapist said “you can’t control your thoughts, you can’t control your feelings, but you can control your response” and I see that a lot on here too. However, I obsess over the meaning of “response.” What does that MEAN?! It seems to indicate that we can control SOME thoughts… which then confuses me. I have been out of work for weeks now likely obsessing and ruminating trying to understand this. I get so confused. If we control our response that seems to indicate that we can control some thoughts… but if I think I can control my thoughts at all it’s bad for me. I can’t be thinking that. It doesn’t help. It seems like I have to accept that we cannot control our thoughts and feelings at all… that’s the only way I find peace, get anything done or sleep at night. But that leaves me with the maddening question of WHAT DO WE CONTROL. How do we navigate our days and lives if we don’t control our thoughts. I just don’t get it. We can focus on certain things if we decide to…. But that’s not controlling thoughts I guess? I have debated if we are in control of our ATTENTION but even our attention gets hijacked and if I believe we are in control of it, or anything, I try too hard to control what’s going on up there and end up anxious and not able to sleep. I’m also a therapist so I question… if we can’t control our thoughts… what are we trying to accomplish in therapy? What do we do all day every day as we navigate thoughts and life? We are obviously in control of SOMETHING, but what?! This is driving me crazy… I’m driving myself crazy. But I truly feel I can’t let this go until I understand it. It seems important to understand, both as a human and a therapist! Like what is it that we’re doing here? WHAT, exactly, are we controlling? Ugh.

I’m feeling a bit more positive this evening. I was wondering if anyone has recovered from these themes and now leads a relatively normal life? I’d love to hear a success story!

I’ve been dealing with ROCD since February and I’ve been going to therapy and taking Luvox and it’s not as bad as before. However I’m still dealing with this problem that every time I think of my partner in a good light, I get a headache or sometimes if I just think of them in general. Has anyone experienced this with ROCD or with other themes?

my theme is about the loss of my deepest passions and joys. I've had every other theme of OCD and this one? is the absolute worst. I've gone to the hospital multiple times having rolling panic attacks over it. i don't care anymore that it doesn't sound as "bad" as other kinds of themes. I've had them. this is the worst one to me. a life without my passions is barely living

The guilt is too much, I made ‘mistakes’ with females before and now that one night is sticking out in my head that I done something so awful to a female (think worst case scenario) when I was walking home intoxicated, I’ve struggled with it for over a year and nothings helping . Please help

So last night, I was about 5-6 shots in and had a complete episode. My boyfriend was trying to break up with me (valid reason) and I got irate. I don’t remember much but he says we started arguing over the fact, I got up like I could fight him, punched him in the face and started screaming “I hate you” “Get tf away” “Leave already” and once even said “Kys”. He walked away and left to talk to my parents I guess. I locked the door behind him, crawled onto the bunk bed inside of my camper. We have a tank that holds our mouse, Jimmy Beast. My guilt had boiled over. I couldn’t take it anymore. I completely acted out all of my intrusive thoughts in that moment. I started punching the tank. I continued driving my fist into the glass until after it shattered, took the glass, and did something I haven’t done in over a year. At this point, I was screaming, crying, shaking, banging my head on the wall. During the midst of it I thought he was yelling back at me. I imagined him physically yelling at me from behind the door, but his voice soften and shook me. I just sat there in shock. “Baby please let me in.” I got up and staggered to the door. Unlocked it. His eyes met mine and welded with tears. “We’ll get you the help you need, okay? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!” And then I confessed everything on my mind. This morning has been a rough one, trying to recall what’s happened and feel comfortable in my own skin when I feel like everyone thinks I’m insane.