Welcome to
the NOCD Community

For all of us who judge ourselves for decisions, actions, other people's jugdement, humiliating, and insults of us. I hope we manage to live by these meditations.

I (15m)am seeking advice because I believe I may have a false memory OCD. I am worried that I may have sexually harmed people without realizing it, especially my young cousins. I am also concerned that I may be a pdophile as i think im aroused by kids but idk if its kids or the idea of s*x. I believe my exposure to explicit content at a young age may have also given me hypersexuality, which still affects me.I feel guilt too because when i was younger i did cocsa against my younger brother he doesn't remember it but i do and i'm just scared what if i did other bad things like that. I do not want to use this as an excuse for my actions at age 14 when I made sexual advances/jokes towards my friends, causing them discomfort and harm. Some forgave me saying they didn't care about it now, but one friend ended our relationship due to my inappropriate behavior during a game and is scarred/traumatized and doesn't even want to look at me i tried to tell him i'm sorry but he doesn't really want me talking to him ever again. I am filled with guilt and shame for my actions and consider turning myself in as a result. The idea that I may have harmed someone without remembering it terrifies me, and I struggle to forgive myself for the pain I have caused others. I'm scared to even encounter people I hurt. I'm a monster that deserves to be beat up/ publicly hurt as most pdos/ s*x offenders do.

Could I just be a **** with strong morals? This afternoon I read the news abt a **** doing something horrible, and I wondered how could he do such thing, and how could someone develope a liking to the very thing that triggers me. How does that happen? I know I would never such thing, but what if I'm secretely attracted? I could be a non offending ****. I had to test if attraction could happen. I picked up a very triggering memory from last month that has been recently reappearing in my mind these past days, triggering me each time and putting me in bed all day without eating anything, feeling distressed and miserable. In that memory there is a young girl, that has legs exposed, and they trigger me a lot. I wanted to know if I was attracted, and I compulsively stared at it, and I didn't get any answers, I only felt more triggered and wondered if what I was feeling was actually attraction, was that weird feeling me liking the legs? Yesterday I had a revelation: what simply bothers you, just bothers you, there is no secret attraction, everything else is overthinking. That's it, it bothers you, it doesn't mean something else, but you misinterpret it for something else, which is "coincidentally" what you fear the most. It makes sense, all the time i was deeply disturbed, distressed, tortured myself with ruminations, to the point that i stayed in bed all day, self harmed, smoked an unhealthy number of cigarettes etc. are a testament to that. But these beliefs have been shattered when I tried to test for attraction. I pictured that triggering image of the girl from memory, and instead of just checking for attraction, I tried to see what would happen if I forced myself to liking it. And I'm afraid it kind of worked, and, at the same time I was trying to force attraction an involuntary smile slowly formed. I got very scared, it lasted an instant, and I went back to my usual self, distressed and bothered by what happened, what it meant. This is very concerning. It could be just false thoughts, false fabricated induced feelings, but it felt very very real, indistinguishable from reality. It felt like a glimpse at a possible reality where I was actually attracted. Maybe I was for that second. Maybe attraction is simply voluntary, and if I decide to become attracted by something that becomes real. Or maybe I was a monster all along. I don't know. I'm very scared. What did just happen? Why did that happen? I can't explain it. Are we what we think? So if I believe that I like it, will that become true? It's very scary. Are simply morals preventing me from being a monster, and maybe I'm not a monster, but that "thing" is something that always exists, and it means I could easily allow it to become the truth? The thing is that, whenever I had those triggering episodes in the past and I ruminated hours to understand if I was attracted, I knew that I was always felt uncomfortable, distressed, triggered, but I never tried to see if there was something else hiding underneath all those things. There was something very strong blocking myself from doing that, I think it was fear. I always checked for attraction, but I never tested it directly, I never tried to force myself to be attracted, to tell myself "you like it" and to see what would happen in fear that it would be the truth. It felt so easy to go "there" in my mind, and I'm so afraid that I might have crossed the line between being bothered and liking it. I feel like more than forcing myself to be attracted, another word could be allowing myself to be attracted to remove the barrier that I self-imposed myself, and see what happened. And I don't know if I felt attraction, it could be very false. But also very real. I'm afraid that all this time my morals are the only thing stopping me from aknowledging that maybe I'm secretely attracted. I can't tolerate this. If this is true, and not a distortion of OCD, if I truly am a monster in denial, I don't want to keep on living. Please someone tell me what actually happened, because I don't know. I need to believe, to know that what I felt was false, that it was OCD, that those feelings were fabricated, emulated, copied, but not true, that they were egodystonic. Help.

I have trouble disengaging with my intrusive thoughts because when I say something positive in response to some disparaging comment it made or disengage it will get louder; more aggressive and sometimes even screams at me. So I’ve usually resorted to actually fighting the intrusive thoughts, but I realise that this isn’t helping & I feel like my thoughts have made me a bitch to people lately because my patience has just been spent on that thing and I’m just tired. I’ve come to conclusion last night that fighting the thoughts isn’t going to help but rather disengaging. The best analogy I’ve used is that it acts like a kid having a fit when it doesn’t get its own way and to just ignore it. But surely, I can’t be the only one whose intrusive thoughts have temper tantrums?

What if I am what my OCD says? What if I am deep down a horrible monster and my ocd has been right all along and I’ve just been trying to fight it and deny that I am what it says?

Been going through a huge spike recently. I saw a post by an influencer I follow that also has OCD speaking about her experience telling people her thoughts and how living in secrecy isn’t the best. It sent me down a spiral after seeing it and all I could think about was telling people every intrusive thought I’ve ever had. I’ve been experiencing intrusive images, urges, scenarios, you name it, etc. The people in my life know I suffer from OCD, and I told my bestfriend my OCD mainly shows up as disturbing sexual thoughts in my brain. But somehow that wasn’t enough, and my overthinking hasn’t gone away. Has anyone else experienced this? And if so, how do you cope with it? Really needing some support from the OCD community right now, I hope everyone is having a great day!

Ive been in a relationship for 6 months w the literally love of my life and ive really been struggling not to fall into the insecurities my ocd hounds me about. I struggle to be secure when asking for reassurance about my intrusive thoughts, not because of her, but because of me. She’s made it clear multiple times that me asking for validation is no issue whatsoever (obviously in healthy moderation) and that she would tell me if i was crossing any sort of boundary, yet i am constantly worried that shes only saying it to appease me and that it does really bother her despite there being no evidence of that being true. I also have bad intrusive thoughts that she will fall out of love with me which i hate even typing lest it manifests. I hate thinking this and it upsets me often because it’s not something i want to dwell on. If i keep thinking about it i set us up for failure. If anyone has any coping tips pls lmk!!!

I know this app is for ocd help but I genuinely need some help in my relationship or just some guidance. Does anyone know how to break down built up resentment ? And how to stop anger towards your partner, I’ll take any answer

TW: death I've recently been struggling a lot with obsessing over death and the fear that I or my boyfriend are dying, and obsessing over the fact that both of us will eventually die. It's to the point that it is severely affecting my life, I have frequent anxiety attacks about these ideas and can't stop myself from googling every single symptom either one of us experiences because I'm terrified I'll miss something and my boyfriend will die. If I manage to move past it for a bit or calm down I just end up with intrusive thoughts reminding me of it and spiral into another anxiety attack. Has anyone else experienced this issue and if so what helped you?

i have a nightly routine that i do, almost every single night. I wash my hands three times, and i have to put lotion on my hands before i touch anything or i’ll end up having to do it again and again until i don’t feel dirty. i have to fix my bed i can’t leave it messy. i have to close the door three times then leave, well technically four but my brain doesn’t count the fourth one. i have to check in another room, scan it, then close the door. then i walk into my bedroom where i have to take four sips of water from my water bottle. i have drink some normally first, then i go in with the four sips, but the fourth sip is a long one and i HAVE to do it right or else i’ll start all over again. i’m in therapy, and i have broken some of these habits, but there’s still some that still cloud me. i still have to wash hands, not three times, just once and put lotion on it. still close the door three, technically four times, still scan another room, still take my four sips of water. i have very bad, intrusive, intese thoughts that i wish i didn’t think. i don’t wanna type them. i can’t. but you probably know what i’m getting. yoh know, i’m just gonna say it, pedophilia. i know, i know. i can’t be thinking like this, and i wish i didn’t. i didn’t chose to think this. i want this to stop. i fight back my thoughts and do things to distract myself. like, doing unimaginable things to people, and i hate, i really, really do, i’m tearing just writing this. i don’t want to hurt people or gibe them pain. it’s not like me, at all. i remember the times where i didn’t think like this. where i was happy and didn’t think about hurting people. i just want to change. i want to be free from these thoughts. i wanna live my life without hurting others. i wanna heal from this. there’s something else i want to say but can’t wuite put my finger on it. if anyone out there has thought like this and overcome it, how’d you do it? what can i do to change? how do i stop these thoughts for coming? please, i’m really desperate, i don’t wanna be thinking like this and it’s not just that, if you have intrusive thoughts, you know what it’s like. i need help, something, to get rid of these thoughts and think normally. please, help, i’m desperate. does anyone else have suicidal thoughts? like, not wanna to kill yourself but to have something really bad happen and that would kill you? cause that’s how i think. i don’t wanna die but at the same time i do. i just don’t wanna take my own two hands just to commit. like something natural? i don’t know… how you guys distract from these thoughts? heal from them? as i said, i’m currently in therapy and my therapist is well aware that i’m suicidal. she helps a lot, there’s just a lot of things, i can’t talk to her anout right now. but if anyone out there, share your story, how did you heal from this? what are ways that i can help myself. thank you. is anyone else, out there, picking at their fingers and face. i know it’s apart of ocd and it’s called excoriation disorder and dermatillomania. i’ve been struggling with this for a very long time now, since i was a kid (i’m 16 turning 17 in february, also a girl :) my mom and sister don’t really understand what’s it’s like dealing with this. i’ve noticed that acrylic nails have helped a lot when it comes to picking my skin but unfortunately, i don’t really like or do my nails that often now and it’s a pain to take off. if anyone else has dealt with this before or is currently dealing with this: what do you do to help? what do you do to stop picking? what can i try? i know a couple things i could try is buying a figet or putting duct tape around all 10 of my fingers but that in itself is pretty difficult considering that my mom is usually the one that buys things for me and my sister. i’ll try to convice her, she mostly get whatever i need and what so i think it’ll be fine plus i’m using these things for a good cause. thank again, :) i have or had i don’t really know, some type of transgender phase, i’m not necessarily a dude. i don’t even like guys😭 i’m pretty sure i’m not cause i don’t feel like i am. maybe i’m more leaning towards genderfluid or nonbinary. but i don’t yet so she/her is fine for now. that phase was pretty embarrasing not gonna lie…. ehhh, i’ll eventu figure it out but honestly i feel more comfortable as a girl. maybe, i could go by she/they? ugh i don’t know, i feel like i should leave that there though it feels right. maybe different days i can chose different pronouns to feel more comfortable. is that even possible. ohhh nevermind i just search it up it’s literally called genderfluid LMAO. i did at one point have a panic attack over this i know, i know. i just got so overwhelmed and terrified at the fact of transitioning i didn’t like not one bit. i calm down a little bit after and went back to sleep. i don’t what the cause for that was, honestly. if you’ver experience something similar, tell me: what did you do to overcome it? did anyone experience something like this? i do still think anout here and there but not as often as before i never treally stopped and thinked about it but i don’t really want to. i think i’m more comfortable as a girl foe now. anyways, anyone who have gone through this, please let me know: what do you identify as? how did you come to terms with it? how did you feel when you realized? have you ever questioned yourself before? if you went through different phases, how did feel and what did you land with? thank you so much :D wow, that was a lot of thoughts, i’ve been thinking for a long time now. i’m glad to get it off my chest and get help for it too. i wanna be able to get better. i wanna be able to live my life and be incontrol again. i think i’ve been sitting here for the past 2 hours writing this. i feel a lot better telling this to people rather then pushing these feelings down and never see or come to terms with them again. it’s almost 2AM right now and i feel so much better just writing this all down and getting the help i need. if you’ve read this far, thank you, thank you so much. you clearly feel the same or similar to me and i really do hope we BOTH get better. we’ll heal and that takes time, it justs takes one step at a time. i hope someone could relate to me on one thing or maybe even all. of course, i wouldn’t wish ocd on anybody, it’s truly exhausting having your own brain being your own enemy. i really wouldn’t wish this on my worse enemy. i hope someone could help me and i’ll also be able to relate to someone or help someone with whatever they need. i know it feels like you’ve got knifes in your heart and brain , they’re not on the same level but eventually they will both heal and will give what our brain and heart needs. we’ll all heal together and it will take time. the process is slow but it’s worth it in the end❤️‍🩹

Im so depressed... and I feel alone... theres no hope... My pocd keeps saying that my worst fear of unknowingly cybering with a minor has actually happened and it's really triggering the hell out of me... I feel so horrible...My pocd keeps saying I "unknowingly erotically role played with a minor" when idek if this actually happened or not... this was nearly three years ago... (september of 2021) for context we were erotically role playing on an 18+ discord server, and then she suddenly stopped responding, before leaving the server shortly after an unknown time... im so freaking anxious and scared... her grammar was fine at first, but then as we were going on, she kept making errors like "boxer" or "then" instead of "than"... my pocd keeps saying that I "UNKNOWINGLY EROTICALLY ROLEPLAYED WITH A MINOR" when idek if this happened or not... some people told me she sounds like/is a young adult... chatGPT tells me she sounded like a teenager... I genuinely dont know what to believe anymore... (these two photos are from her account, and the beginning of our ERP... I hope she wasnt a teenager... I really hope she wasnt...)

Im crippling from the stress, the last two years of my life were dreadful to say the least but especially this year,was horrible, I'm 14 and haven't received continuous therapy sessions for it just two random sessions with two different therapists that diagnosed me with OCD,my ocd started as me being a cleaning freak to the point of insanity,I'd spent hours cleaning my enviroment (not in a normal healthy way), TW my defecation body parts where so messed up(to the point of bleeding and scarring)from cleaning them over and over again so harshly,and I still felt unclean most of the time,I would repeat my wudu(a process of rinsing certain body parts like the face and arms to prepare for prayer,Im Muslim), so many times I've missed the times of prayers for it.However, in the last year i started getting really agressive sexual intrusion photos and thoughts of either family members or friends and just people in general,it was terrible and they developed into sexual intrusive dreams of people i know creating this shame and making me spiral and go back to some sexual stuff i used to do as I was introduced to p0rn/sexual g0re from such a young age against my will and never recovered from the scarring thoughts, this has affected me deeply because in Islam in order to pray you have to be Tahir meaning you didn't have sexual intercourse or sexual thoughts or sexual dreams (i always have the latter two 😔)and if you did you have to perform and cleaning ritual of cleansing your entire body properly which is exhausting to me because I do it so many times in a day which is driving me again to a point of insanity I hate myself

Hello I’m Ana Sanchez I’m a mother of 2olders young ladies and 6month baby boy I live with my bf the father of my baby boy he’s the stepdad of my daughters… I’m a stay mom at home he works and my oldest goes to high school and the little one goes to middle school.. At the moment I’m at a rough patch of my life.. I have been living with trauma and with anxiety and depression since I can remember growing up my parents were toxic and alcoholism problems with my dad and well I suffer from abandon and well I been single for so many years like 8years and now I’m in a relationship everything start well like every other relationship but now after I give birth I noticed I have become for not myself I been to toxic and super jealous I will I’m ruined my relationship but my bf he always tired to help me and being there for me but idk I still feel weird that I’m not doing a good job as a mother and as a wife I need help I don’t wanna listen and believe to my thoughts and they getting louder and strong I had started going to Christian Church and I have noticed a different but is just here and there I berly started like I said so I do feel I need help.. I have no one to talk and I do have family but I don’t wanna be bothering them with my problems they have enough of problems already.. and I wanna be free I wanna be better and happy with my family and I wanna learn how to forgive so I can be able to move on.. I’m asking for help before is to late…

This theme is new for me. I have heard of Scrupulosity OCD but have never obsessed over it. I have a fear that If I watch something on tv like a show or movie or a game that just mentions the word demon, that i’ll be inviting the enemy into my home. As someone who’s been a Christian for a while, I tend to stay away from movies such as those. Not as a compulsion, just not something I want to watch. The shows/games that have mentioned the word demon are not demonic by any means and in fact, the point of the game is to defeat the monsters. But my brain goes “well it mentions this scary word, and you read it so that must mean something.” I know it may sound silly, especially to non believers, but it just made me feel yucky. I fear being/becoming evil as I already have a fear of being a bad person. I really love Jesus & have no problem expressing my faith as I’m proud to be a christian. I saw an article by NOCD of an example of scrupulosity ocd where a woman said in her mind “hail satan.” Obviously that must have been extremely difficult to bare. But the exposure was to have her say it willingly. That seems terrible. Now I know there are boundaries you can set with your therapist as if anything goes against your religious practice, you are not obligated to do it. So i’m working with my therapist on exposures that work for me. Obviously everyone is different. I’m currently exposing myself to scary symbols like devil horns and pentagrams. I myself as a christian cannot do the more extreme exposures as It goes against my religion. Other exposures my therapist wants me to do is to say Satan or 666 over and over. Now this one’s scary too (obviously) but the reason these exposures feel okay to do is because I don’t want to do anything that resembles worship towards the enemy. That is just my own personal preference. Saying a scary name or looking at scary things does not equate to worshiping or idolizing so while It brings me a lot of discomfort, I am okay with these exposures. Can anyone give me their experiences with this theme and what exposures you have done?

I have severe various forms of ocd. Now it’s harm related. I love my family and daughter but today all of the sudden when I’m driving I had a horrible thought of: omg i will kill my own child one day because I’m crazy. And this thought is so horrifying because I have no intentions of harming anyone but these thoughts come up and I’m freaking out…anyone else have extreme intrusive thoughts?

I’m tired guys. I’m tired of thinking something is always wrong with my health, tired of letting random symptoms/ sensations take over my brain and make me think something is horribly wrong. Tired of thinking I need to go to the doctors to get X & Y looked at. I’m tired of always assuming worst case scenario. I’m tired of constantly thinking if something is unethical/ immoral if I don’t do something, tired of always thinking I’m offending a religious higher being, tired of thinking I’m a bad/ disgusting person for my thoughts. I’ve had OCD ruin so many things for me that should have been fun. It’s ruined intercourse/ intimacy because of religious thoughts, or I keep thinking about STDs/ infections. I’ve been having panic attacks lately, something I’ve never experienced, because of life changes and it’s all gotten in the way of my structured life and it’s been very uncomfortable. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in danger, or nothing is real. Right now I’m fearing the most that I’m losing my mind, who I am, and I’m just so scared of my mental health getting worse and going manic or developing a dangerous mental illness. My mental health has NEVER been this bad. This is all new and it’s so scary. I was just fine a few months ago, sure I was dealing with other OCD stuff, the intrusive thoughts, the fears, the repetitive actions just to make sure something is the way I want it/ brings me comfort. But ever since my structure was changed/ ruined, it’s all been downhill. I just finished an EMT program, and that messed with me. Saw/ experienced things I’ve never done before and man, it’s really messed with me. Working on getting a new job in healthcare but still don’t have insurance so getting a new OCD specialized therapist has been difficult. Can someone relate just so I don’t feel like I’m crazy?..

I feel like talking about groinal responses helps to normalize them! And when we normalize them it is easier to ignore them. Personally I have POCD and I tend to get groinal responses from that, I’ve also had intrusive sexual thoughts about family members. The groinal responses can become intense, persistent, and uncomfortable. My brain makes me question if I enjoy them or not. It is hard to resist ruminating and arguing with my brain about them! And I feel like it is difficult because it is not talked about much. I worry people would think I am crazy! But drop a like if you also experience groinal responses and feel free to share your story in the comments! This way we can remember we are not alone 💜 It does get better with exposure therapy - for a long time I forgot about them. But getting a flare up now has made me think about them

So i don't have access to an OCD psychologist and I really wanted to try ERP so I tried it on my own, but to be honest it made me feel sometimes worse. The only exercise I was doing was the look into a mirror and say "You might be gay, you might be bi, you might be straight it does not mather" I did it like 3 times per day. After some time I started having stronger compulsions and had a small amount of time where i was at my worse (even doing self harm) thinking I was just gay and should just acept it and that by saying it i was just acepting it. Do you think i did something wrong?

Hello everyone, after a long time. I want some advice about this topic and i want to get things off my chest. Since my partner dumped me, my OCD has been so quiet. My (r)OCD was extremely severe when i was with him, i was anxious, ruminating, doing compulsions 24/7. But now things has been changed. I know i need to be greatful but i don't know, something feels off. For a really long time, i don't ruminate and do compulsions like i used to do. I feel so tired and i avoid doing compulsions or ruminating because it stresses me out, so i runaway and avoid doing compulsions. Im in newly recovery and im taking meds, i don't know if they are working or not but, i feel like i don't have OCD anymore. I don't ruminate, i don't do compulsions like i used to do or when i have an intrusive thought, i try to notice and say "its OCD." And avoid compulsions. Like, i feel like i suddenly recovered. How is this even possible? And this has been like that for a long time. I still get intrusive thoughts and some still do make me feel bad, i still do some compulsions but not like i used to do. They go easily. I valued my partner so much that i was extremely scared to do any bad thing towards to him, i was stressing about everg single thing. But now he is gone, i have less things to stress. Like i said, i still have so-OCD or pure OCD and some other themes. But they are not that extreme. I read my OCD book today and it triggerred me, it was saying "Ocd counts as a disorder when it distorts you and retain you from daily life, if not, then its not a disorder. Its normal." That was like that before, but now it doesn't bother my daily life like it used to be. I know this is a good thing but not for me. What if i don't have OCD? Then what was the all things that happened to me? If i have OCD, i cant have that only on one topic, right? (Relationship) Lastly, OCD used to make me feel like i was in hell. Like, it made me feel so damn horrible that i couldn't eat for days, i was about to off mslf. But now, it feels like OCD is not even there. I don't know. I don't know whats going on. It feels weird to not to be anxious all the time, enjoying life and everything. Its weird. I am greatful, but also scared. What if i don't have OCD? What if i never had it and lied to everyone?

Having a recurring intrusive thought that im evil bc when i was 14 i was dog sitting and I was told by the owner to tug on the dogs leash when he would stop walking to keep him moving. Well I did that and he was very stubborn so I remember tugging harder than I should have out of impatience which makes me hate myself so much. The problem is I can’t remember the specifics of the memory like how hard it was or if he was hurt. I do remember him coughing which is terrifying. Like half a year later he passed away and I’m always scared that I hurt him. He was old and I hate myself for being so impatient. I just wish I could remember correctly. How do I live with myself?