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the NOCD Community

Hi guys. I’m new here. So I’ve had OCD my whole life, born and raised. Once I turned 17 it seems to flip a switch and I experience a pretty traumatic event that has shaped and evolved into the OCD i have today. I followed the advice of my mom and took an expired medication to help the symptom I was having and it led to a full on nightmare. It felt like a 5 day long panic attack constantly running to the bathroom and violently shaking with a high HR. Now my OCD is medical emergency related. I’m constantly scared my heart is going to stop at any moment. I’m not sure why, i’ve been to 2 different cardiologists who ran both monitors and echos and said everything looks fine. When I get panic attacks my HR typically gets to 130-160 which only makes my fears worse that i’m damaging my heart. I wake up multiple times a night in a panic and it basically controls every aspect of my life. I’m scared to workout, go anywhere exciting or scary, try new foods or medications, etc. I’m not really sure what to do at this point. I’m constantly checking my apple watch and qualy app to make sure everything looks good and if something is off for even just a couple minutes it sends me spirally. Google is my worst enemy. Anyone have any advice? Thank you. All love :)

I need somebody to tell me if I’m a monster or not. Nobody’s replying to my posts and it scares me. Am I too far gone? Why am I so numb? I hate these horrible thoughts, I think. I think. I’m so full of doubt, I don’t know what I want or don’t want anymore. I think I don’t want this. This feels like the end of the road.

at first i started to obsess over if something i did was sa, i came to the conclusion that it isn't for different reasons ( I even talked to a sexual assault hotline who told me that it was a grey area ) but that it was still something inappropriate that could have potentially hurt someone if they saw. and now im starting to obsess on wether that person actually saw or not and if i have hurt her because of it. it's kind of unlikely if she saw, cus she had her back facing me but idk. I saw she liked my posts on Instagram till 2022 ( this thing happened a long time ago ), but even then it's no consolation since now she doesn't follow me anymore ( even if it could have been me that removed her from my followers since we haven't been friends for years and i like privacy ) and since ppl can also realise later on that something that happened to them is assault/harrasment. tho i guess that if she still feels comfortable around my brother and family then it's probably okay? i personally haven't talked to her in a while but she always seemed normal around me after that thing happened. idk, im so ashamed

I forced myself out for a drink with my girlfriend and her friends as my thoughts were being centered around this will happen if you go etc. I said I wasn't going to drink a lot but then the thoughts subsided and I started drinking more and when we were in the last pub I got racing instrusive thoughts of murdering/raping and causing harm to people and myself. These intensified when we got home and the vivid images of the acts I was commuting were so vile and graphic (skinning people/eating there brains and organs to name a few), I tried talking to my girlfriend about the thoughts of killing her family etc and she likes not judged me but couldn't handle the thoughts and that made me spiral to the point of having suicidal thoughts and making an attempt for my own life. I didn't tell her I was feeling suicidal or that I didn't want to act on these thoughts and now I feel terrible. I have been told to sit with the imagery and thoughts but how does one do that when its constant.

I had a dream and I feel very hopeless. I'm not sure if it was big portion or just the end of the dream but their was something romantic (it's uncomfortable to even type omfg) with my brother. I was just thinking about how since my brother is getting older, we have more in common and can be like actual friends. This is just so unsettling and rn I just want to stay away from everyone like my intrusive thoughts have been so bad and I'm tired man. I truly have gotten tired of fighting my brain and can't differentiate my thoughts from intrusive ones.

Hey guys have you ever just start doing something, either work, practice, or simply just enjoy life with family and friends, but then all of the sudden you just start to want to cry over your thoughts, and every mistake you made, every mental image you feel guilty over.

Tomorrow I started a new treatment with Saxenda, because my gynecologist told me, with the exactly dosis, I was really happy for have better health, but I saw a comment on TikTok there's a possibility of Cancer Thyroid, now I'm thinking what If I'll get cancer, and thinking about don't want to ruin my treatment but if the cancer? But a lot of normal things give you cancer, I so scared but was that comment on TikTok I scared ah, now I'm searching on Google, but nothing is going to happen right ??? If I have the control of my dosis nothing's going to happen right?

I can’t stop crying because I can’t find joy in anything. I’m trying to distract my mind before I have my 15 min, free phone call tomorrow but I just keep crying. I hate this feeling so much, I want to go to my mom and ask for reassurance that I’m okay and I’ll be fine but I don’t want her to ask me what I’ve been thinking lately. I’m afraid it’ll cause me an even bigger panic attack or something. My brain is searching for some type of reassurance that I’ll be okay, but I can’t find it. I keep thinking no one will understand me and that they’ll think I’m crazy. Anyways, I’ll try to sleep.

Anyone else start to feel stomach pain/a churning in their stomach when their OCD starts worsening a bit? (TMI) sometimes it even causes the worst gas pain. I’m so sick of it. Not only am I aware of the thoughts but then I’ve also got physical symptoms to deal with too.

Sometimes when I’d pray I felt like there wasn’t any hope and I was so scared. But now I look back and I’m living in the times I prayed to Jesus Christ for! A time of peace and joy! If you’re going through a tough time just know if you put your faith in him it will get better! Unfortunately our battle in life is with ocd but it doesn’t mean that’s who we are. If you need to talk I am here and I have dealt with everything imaginable with ocd! Stay positive!!

Last night I had a weird dream I don’t feel comfortable saying what about but it was definitely a dream against who I am and my beliefs… the dream made me feel so scared and disgusted and worried because why am I dreaming of something so weird and something that doesn’t even correspond to me at all.. can someone help it’s making me feel like a bad person. It’s making me feel so worried like why did I dream such a bad thing what does it mean does it make me a bad person.?? I hate it

Has anyone’s OCD effect their sex life at all? I have SO OCD and it really have effected the intimacy with my bf because I get in my head to much. I think I need to work on that the most :(

I have recently started to have more frequent bouts of sexual dysfunction with my girlfriend, used to happen once in a blue moon but now seems to be unpredictable (one day yes one day no) and has been causing lots of stress which leads to increase in dysfunction i think (vicious cycle). I take clomipramine, increased dosage 3 ish months ago and this begun about a month ago, also unfortunately began using nicotine again around same time but plan to stop next week(dont know if this is relevant). I have been quite stressed about this and other things and when it comes time to perform, i cant even focus and am just worrying things wont work or something is wrong. I just want to go back to normal and not have one more (large, personally) thing to worry about. Any tips? Im a healthy young male who excercises regularly.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what my sexual orientation is. I love being with the opposite sex. I want to be with the opposite sex but what if I’m suppressing my true feelings? My intrusive thoughts and unwanted urges of the same sex are getting worse and I ruminate day and night. I don’t know if I should be with a man or a girl. And if I was gay, I’ve tried to accept it but yet I still like men. This is TEARING me apart.

Personally ive never wanted to date someone younger then me. Ive always wanted to date someone my exact age or older (not too old) because thats just how ive been. (This post has become triggering and a bit of a vent :( But-since my real event happened. Ive been constantly googling and reading comments on other social medias about age gaps. Specifically two year age gaps. Without going into too much detail i had a a group of online friends and we were in this age range (16-18.) because of the things that happened my pocd is extremely bad and even though i never had any desire to date any of my younger friends or any of my friends in general my ocd has latched onto this specific obsession with age gaps and it makes me sick because of what happened specifically with one of my younger friends, even though i never dated or ever wanted to date them. They were always just a friend. But this obsession is still there and im really struggling with it. And i feel gross and nasty for even being friends in the first place which isn’t right because they and my other younger friends i knew at the time were nice people. Now that im writing it all out i just keep comparing myself to my cocsa event that happened to me when i was a kid. I wont go into detail obviously but the kid that hurt me then was also two years older than me (i was 8 he was 10 :( And maybe this obsession is also because of that? Ik when my real event happened i kept comparing myself to him and how im like him now-my brain is telling me im just asking or sympathy ot worse as excuse as i mention this but i dont want to believe that-i dont even know what im talking about anymore im just very triggered right now. I just feel like what happened lumps me in with that kid now. I feel like a few people on here can relate to this obsession with age gaps? If you do how do you deal with it so you can stop? Because it seems that even telling my brain and reminding myself that i never want to be in that kind of relationship-it still doesn’t matter. Has anyone had experiences like this i hate feeling like im the only one

I use self pleasure as a coping method…temporarily release/relief. I can become hyperactive within a day that can lead to days… tbh I’ve done this since I was a child and well to unknowingly but feeling wise … temporarily cope with feeling lonely. Inexperience with another human… that sort of “regular relationship “… romantic ~friendship kind if it even exists or I created and still yearn for. I realize I don’t want to response in this way even overworking my self doing other activities outside of sex. Reality is I’m not perfect… I try to create new ways to cope, still use some old things as well but… sometimes nothing works. I also know It’s not meant to fulfill this part of me. I don’t want them to b/c well there passions first & coping methods 2 if you understand what I mean. I get sad just saddens… frustrates me at times both because what else am I suppose to do? act? or say?. I’m in an ever-changing relationship with myself … I’ve made some profound growth for the best of me…welp this is just something I can’t control nor change, I just deal with daily. Dating/spiritually is just too … 😶 no words. Falling in love with someone, they feel the same but there’s long distance and other factors… both wanting to do anything to support the other but one understands burnout/burdens just self-health is important (me). I love them more to not want them to work even harder if anything choose them self … b/c that’s love too 😩… ugh jeez… This is my first entry here b/c why not in the moment … I feel comfortable using this space as another outlet I guess. If any one else feels this way, learning about yourself through relationships or not being in one either way I’m not perfect and well you’re not alone. I get lonely too. Note: this kinda all over the place … if you understand well thank you. 🪞🫶🏽

Has anyone ever acted on their thought. I used to make them pop up out of self destruction and now I feel they’re not intrusive but a part of me now and I acted on a thought and now ocd is telling me I’m gay and I can’t be with my bf even though I know even though I don’t feel it I don’t like women.

I double texted a girl that I really like today (we just started talking last week) and I'm kind of going insane now... is double texting actually that bad or am I having a flare-up?

Hello everyone. As i’m sure some of you have seen i have intrusive thoughts about school shootings and im wondering what i need to do in this particular situation. when i go with my mom to pick up my family members from school i get really anxious and the intrusive thoughts get worse such as how i would do that and where in the schools because i went to these schools as well and its absolutely terrifying. i know that i need to be exposed to going around schools and such to over come this but its really hard, is that what ERP feels like and you just sit with that discomfort? im kind of confused on the concept of ERP and what i need to do in this particular situation. i dont know anything about guns or ever have an intention to act on these thoughts or follow through with them in any way but it seems like they keep popping up and making things 10x worse then the day before.

I’ve been suffering with SO OCD for a while now and the thought of late in life lesbians really scary me like what if this is all real and that’s going to happen to me. My boyfriend and I are about to hit 2 years and I’m scared for the future. :(