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the NOCD Community

Hi! Does anyone struggle with loneliness? Especially when it comes to talking to your loved ones about what you go through. I’ve been struggling with this because it either leads to a fight or I’m not understood. My husband and I have been having some issues and I have a bad habit of bringing up the past. I don’t know why I keep doing it it’s just I get a thought and it goes into auto mode recently. We are going to marriage counseling soon but I try to tell him and family how I’m feeling and it just turns into a fight or it turns into me being dismissed. I just honestly want someone I can trust to hear me but it feels like I can’t really talk to anyone. I think it’s a relapse and I keep doing ERP but honestly I just need someone to listen. Does anyone relate or am I just it? I feel like I’m losing the love of my life and I’m breaking at the mere thought of it.

I do have lots of thoughts regarding my daily activities it just comes as a compulsion like what I did yesterday by this time what was exactly happening it just give me lot of anxiety

I feel like I wanna throw up I feel shivers It feels like you’re going to be sick I can’t sleep at all I stayed up all night because of this (not the first time) I physically feel sick

Sometimes I feel like I’m not even myself…💀 I’m either 1: possesed 2: Schizophrenic 3: ocd 4: insane

I think I've obsessed over my sexuality that it might have changed. I've had nearly 4 years of misery and anxiety pretty much everyday. I can't believe how much I used love girls I just hope this is all in my head. I argue with myself in my head I feel could this be my ocd ?. I'm so confused please help somebody 😒 xxxx

❌❌❌DO NOT READ IF YOURE YOUNGER ❌❌❌ —- — - I feel like a really bad person right now, I remember my past and I remember when I was 14, I sent actual inappro//priate pictures of myself to my partner and I regret it so much, i genuinely do, I thought it was okay because I was around adults that were inappropriate to me, and it was so normalized, I don’t know why, I feel like I’m gonna go to jail, this happened 2 years ago but I still feel afraid that I will be in jail for what I’ve done, I can’t stop worrying about this event and I just need help, please someone help, am I a bad person?

I didn’t sleep again last night. The thoughts were just so loud and I couldn’t let them be without engaging. This lead to a full night of rumination and tossing and turning. It just keeps saying “confess. come out. cut. run. that’s the only way this will go away” and it’s so exhausting. I look at everyone around me now with envy that they aren’t dealing with this (not that I know what anyone is dealing with) but I’m just so jealous of all my friends who aren’t putting their husbands through this. The thoughts are so loud, but I know they are not what I want and my body is uncomfortable with the idea of being with a woman. I feel this immense amount of guilt and shame, like I was living in denial all these years and lying to everyone. I was feeling better and then with this diagnosis it got worse almost like “you wanted to get this diagnosis to justify that you’re not in denial” it’s so frustrating and exhausting. On top of that, ROCD has been spitting out the worst things about my relationship with my husband. I miss the old me who was confident in who she was and laughed and ate and slept and danced in the kitchen with her husband and raced home to him every night looking forward to all moments together. Now I’m just scared and I feel like a shell. I’m trying to sit with the uncertainty, i’m trying the “maybe, maybe not” statements, but it’s hard to know where the intrusive thoughts end and my actual thoughts begin at this point. It feels so real and so cluttered.

I really feel like SOOCD is such a tricky theme. They tell you to sit with it and not overthink it and accept the possibilty, but we're talking about our future and someone else's future! I also feel like societal pressure doesnt help this theme at all. And its always gonna come up, because as a women, when I hang out with my friends, all they talk about is 1) their relationshios 2) their crush so my brain automatically compares or stresses when it does not relate. I try looking for comphet video on tiktok (i vividely dont recommend doing that) and some videos kind of made sens so I was like, am I a lesbian? So for instance, there is one girl who came ut at 26 and she was like "all my life I felt like I needed to date guys and chose my crushes and when I was making out with my bf it always felt like something was missing and then when I went out with the girl I realised that it wasnt supposed to feel hard and whats natural to your body will come to you naturally". She said that even tho she's a lesbian now she still imagines a life where she has a husband and kids but she knows that she cant have that because she likes imagining that she's straight when indeed she's not. (that was a very big spike for me). and she knew that if she went down that road she would never date men again ( and I feel like I relate to that?!). So to calm myself I said, idc if im gay or bi, at least my bf will be my "one" exception. And right after there was a video of a girl who said " if you're a girl going out with your bf and thinking you're 99 percent into women but that your bf is the exception leave him, you're a lesbian" ughhhhhhhh. My biggest worry right now after being in a 6 year relationship is that I feel if I imagine it that I would feel way more for a women then for a man? but my therapist told me it was normal because with two women its always more intense but im like but what does it mean? that I dont know true love? That I dont love my current partner or at least not enough? I also feel like sometimes, if I ever break up with my bf I'll never date guys after? like even if they were perfect? I know that for anyone reading that shows that Im in denial... I've talked to my therapist about it and she always is like "live in the moment". Ugh

Okay, so I was exposed to porn at 9. My older cousin came over to the house and asked if I could keep a secret and stuff and then he showed me porn. I got addicted to it ngl. I would watch it whenever I could and would always think about it when I wasn’t home. Because of this, I started reading mangas on this one website and I was still in elementary school when I started reading these I think, either that or middle school. Anyways, there was this one about these kids who did it and I was like oh I’m the same age as them and all that you know so I didn’t think much of it. I would still read it up to when I was in high school but I wouldn’t like read it often, I would just read it because I was familiar with it and it felt like I was still their age for some reason, like I didn’t see them as kids you know, it felt like they were my age. Oh my god, that makes it sound even worse. When my POCD started, I stopped reading that story because I was it terrified me so a little before I turned 18. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I’m actually a pedophile or not. I don’t know if it’s because I was exposed to that stuff so early and my cousin would constantly talk about sex when he was with me. I thought it was so normal to be reading and looking at that stuff. I didn’t realize. I’m scared that my nephews are going to be exposed to that so early like I was. My POCD mostly targets my nephews and now I’m scared that I’ll do the same thing to them and show them that stuff (I never will) or that I genuinely do like that stuff. I feel like throwing up while writing this. I just don’t want to be one. I’m sorry if this triggers you or if this seems like I’m seeking reassurance and maybe I am. I genuinely don’t know right now. I think I just needed to get this off my chest because I’ve been worrying about it for awhile.

My SO-OCD is really getting in the way of my relationship and I’m so confused if it’s meant to be platonic or romantic. We have such a strong bond and I am sexually attracted to them but my SO-OCD tries to convince me that I should be with a woman bc I’m not sure if I’m 100% straight and I feel a lot of guilt about the fact that I want a relationship with a man and get intrusive thoughts about what it would be like to be with a woman instead. But it’s about this one specific girl I found attractive and I’m not sure if it’s sexual attraction or admiration and I have been fixating on this ever since I met her because I see her consistently and I’m not sure what to do. I really want this to work with him but it’s so hard for me to trust myself and what I truly want.

Around a month ago I got out of an almost 2 year relationship. In that time I met someone that I ended up developing a crush on and today we decided to start dating. Since earlier today, I’ve had a lot of intrusive thoughts about a variety of things, the two biggest being if I actually like this person and the if it’s too soon for me to be back in a relationship. I know I like this person and we have amazing chemistry I just want some advice on the situation.

Hey it’s me again, I feel very overwhelmed I’ve been dealing with my OCD for a few months now and it’s been a ride for sure. Lately I’ve been dealing with these thoughts that I’m crazy it’s actually inexplicable I don’t know how to describe what I feel anymore I feel like I’m Loosing sense of who I am like I don’t even know what’s going on like I’m just crazy literally I feel crazy I really just wanna be okay and just be able to enjoy life I feel like I’m never happy anymore. I feel so overwhelmed like I’m holding in my tears so badly I just wanna sit there and cry and I don’t know what to do anymore I really don’t I was doing just fine for weeks and then BOOM I feel like it comes back 10x fucking worst and I don’t like being alone because I feel like I’m gonna loose control and do something or like I’m just gonna snap I’m scared I’m Gonna snap in any moment n I feel like I’m just this crazy person and I feel like something is in my head telling me I’m crazy or I am but I don’t hear anything I just like visualize it like I imagine it in my head I was dealing with harm ocd this week and last week towards my husband and I hate it so much because I just wanna enjoy my relationship like a normal human being I miss being normal I always wanna go get checked to a doctor so they could check my brain and tell me I’m not crazy and I feel from my ocd or stress I’m Gonna get psychosis or schizophrenia from my head thinking so much stuff that I’m just gonna colapse I don’t know what to fuck I don’t like medication I’ve been dealing with so much stress this week from so many episodes I feel like when I’m around people I forget about things but something they try to cripple up on me but I don’t like being alone and I hate not liking that because I feel like then people have to monitor me to see I’m Not gonna do anything or to distract my head I wanna be able to feel alone and being okay I don’t even like listening to music anymore it makes me panic idk I need to hear someone talking or something because then I panic I get to in my head I just don’t know why I’m feeling this if this ocd or my anxiety or my depression getting bad again I feel like I don’t enjoy anything like I’m Bored of life fuck I wanna be fine I wanna be able to think right I feel my head is going 100000 mph please I need someone to comment on this.

So I was playing roblox at my big age im 24. I got into sort of an arugment with a player bc she was making comments about peoples outfits and saying they were basic. So i commented on their outfit and called it basic. She told me to get a life. Then the arguing got worse she got a friend in on it with her. They started calling me crusty bc my username is crispy. I really tried not to engage bc I know a lot of children play on roblox. I just don’t like bullying or people being mean. Then I got last place and the player was like everyone is a queen here except crusty. I wanted to stand up for myself and said yall are just bullies. Now im worried that everyone in the server thought I called them bullies and are going to kill themselves. I was only referring to the two girls. I let them get the best of me I shouldn’t have responded like that because it was funny the back and forth. I acted immaturely but I think my justice complex kicked in. Now Im scared they killed themselves and I will never know.

For anyone taking this ssri what is your dosage, when do u normally take it (concern about weight gain, flat emotion, sexual side effect as I’m in a relationship). Any advice would help everyone here with ocd would like to know doses and what time of day you take and if you have experience improvements or side effects. I just started today on 10mg but would want to increase and stay at 20mg if it works out. Today been feeling sad but I think that’s more bc of something that happen (found someonelied about something from past) so I think it’s more that than side effect other than that nothing I ended taking at 3 PM. Since my bf works 3pm- 1 am so maybe I experience any side effects during this time and not before or after. Again not sure how this works thank you

I was talking with a relative. We were discussing our commonalities. Im muslim revert samd my familys christians. My brother was talking about God being a father and as muslīs we dont believe that. I didnt correct him and just let him talk. But i didnt want to create arguement but i worry should i have corrected or educated him becsuse they dont know that.

I’m so sick of this disorder I really am. I’m failing school because I havent gone in 5 days because of ocd, im sick right now but I could easily go to school if I wanted to, it’s not because I’m sick, it’s because I’m genuinely afraid to go out, I did a exposure by going to a fair two days ago and it was genuinely fucking horrible, I don’t feel like it helped me. I’m gonna go to school tomorrow but I’m just terrified and I know I’m gonna be miserable and it’s gonna flare up horribly. I don’t want to accept or cope with the fact I have ocd. I don’t want to be ok with my thoughts, why should I have to be ok with my thoughts to get better? Why was I made this way? Why can’t I just be normal? I don’t want to accept the fact I have horrible disgusting thoughts why should I? It makes me feel disgusting and sick. I just really wish I wasn’t dealing with this. I don’t want to die I just wish I was different, so different. I’m so sick of this. I know my past wasn’t my fault but I feel sick and disgusted and like I’m a sick fuck who should be killed or put in jail. I really can’t take it anymore i just want to be ok. I know what it feels like to be happy I just don’t know how to get back there. I was doing so good for 3 weeks. Not a single intrusive thought or urge. I was genuinely happy and now I feel horrible. I don’t want to live like this or be ok with it I just can’t it’s never gonna end why is it fair that I have to live like this?

Hello everyone! I’m new to this app and I am just looking for some help or any advice. I am 20 years old and female. I constantly think about the past and what has happened to me and my boyfriend. (Mostly about him and his ex and if he liked her more). No matter how hard I try these thoughts just flood my mind and nothing that I do helps me avoid them. I have always had issues with constant thoughts about the past and things that are stressing me out, and they just don’t go away. I thought that the thoughts about my boyfriend’s ex would fade but i’ve been with him for 2 years now and they are still constant everyday. I feel like I have to know what she’s up to and check her social media daily, if not multiple times in a day. I also check my ex’s social media daily. I don’t want to do this but I feel like I have to, and If I try not to it just makes me feel anxious. My ex was verbally and physically abusive, I was 15-17 and we were together for those two years. I have gone to PTSD therapy and I still have thoughts over and over about what happened and I wonder if it was even real. Or if I’m even remembering what happened correctly. I have constant thoughts about him and what happened between us. I also have issues such as kind of twitching when i’m really stressed out or something isn’t “right” to me. I constantly have to clean and put things in their place. I have a routine that I do everyday, such as showering in a certain order, doing my skincare in a certain order, and doing things at work in a certain order. Is this normal? And how do I help these thoughts go away… Because they have gotten so bad that it distracts me all day and is interfering with having a future with my boyfriend.

Ever since I was a child, I think around 8 years old, I get these flare ups. I had a fear that I would kill people. I would get so depressed and feel sick to my stomach. I never told anyone for fear that I was crazy. After about 2 weeks or a month, I would start to feel better. Usually something really exciting happening would kick me out of this funk. I went through I really bad episode my first year of college. I finally told my mom and went to see a general doctor. He prescribed me Zoloft 75mg and called it anxiety and depression. Over the years I would have random flair ups but I was usually able to manage them really well and they would go away in a few days. I had my second child in October 2022. At about 3 months postpartum, I had a horrible flair up. Not only was I afraid of harm, I was also now afraid of developing psychosis. I saw my ObGyn and she was asking if I heard voices or if my children looked like animals to me, which further triggered me. I went up on my Zoloft to 150mg and felt better but still always just felt a little lingering under the surface. Now when my daughter turned 1, I had another huge flair up. I finally saw a psychiatrist he said I had an I’m unspecified anxiety disorder with obsessive components but didn’t mean the ocd criteria. We decided to try Prozac. That make me feel so out of it, so we tried Lexapro. Lexapro also gave me horrible anxiety. So, I ended up switching back to Zoloft and have felt better but, like before I still don’t feel all the way better. I started seeing a therapist and she diagnosed me with OCD. So this past week, I have been having what I though was a flair up. Intrusive thoughts about possession and demons/ psychosis. I am afraid to look at my kids for fear that they will look “animal like.” Thoughts pop into my head whenever I see my daughter spacing out or making a strange face or noise and I just say “demon” in my head or “maybe she’s possess” and I fully freak out. I go online to see if this is just a theme of OCD to calm myself down. I just saw a new nurse practitioner psychiatrist (not sure what it’s actually called) and she started talking antipsychotics or inpatient treatment. This obviously sent my anxiety through the roof. I was bawling. She also said an anxiety diagnosis doesn’t fit. And she was saying that psychosis is unlikely but she can’t rule it out. She was thinking severe anxiety. I am at a complete loss. I don’t even know what to think anymore. I feel like shit and I am beyond depressed over this. It feels like I’ll never get better. Any thoughts or recommendations or even stories would be so helpful. Thanks for reading ❤️

Hello, I recently discovered I may have relationship OCD. I haven’t been formally diagnosed yet but I started experiencing thoughts like “I don’t really love him” or “I’m gonna break up with him”, and sometimes even thoughts that he doesn’t love me or he’s gonna leave me. This all started when I got a text from a former partner, and it was very surprising. I thought since it affected me so much that it meant I still loved him and that I didn’t love my current boyfriend. Before this event, I struggled with intrusive thoughts and compulsions but never about relationships and I didn’t think I had OCD. I wasn’t experiencing any of these specific thoughts before I got that text, and it’s really scary and I’m afraid my thoughts are true. I really do love my boyfriend but these thoughts are really making me depressed.

TW: Mentions of pornography To start off, I won’t get into all of the reasons, however I am personally against pornography, especially in a relationship (these reasons are not related to my OCD). I am single and have found this boundary very hard to navigate especially in the current dating scene and it has caused me a lot of distress. I am extremely ashamed to admit it, but a few days ago I viewed something online intentionally and immediately felt so much guilt and regret for doing so, I am absolutely disgusted with myself and I feel like such a fraud in my beliefs. How can I ever expect to find someone who matches these standards if I can’t even myself? I feel so hopeless and angry with myself. I know that I messed up and the fault is 100% on me, but it is taking such a toll on me. It’s all I can think about really, everything in my day to day life reminds me of this issue and the guilt and disgust I feel for abandoning my values like that just stings. I can’t enjoy doing anything these last few days and I feel especially hopeless in my future dating prospects, an issue that normally bothers me anyways. I want to be able to move past these negative feelings and forgive myself however I feel as though I don’t deserve it at all, I am very lost on what to do and am just stuck in this endless loop of thinking.