Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I’m going on vacation to Vegas in a month. But my OCD thoughts are getting worse & im freaking out that they will ruin my trip. How will i deal with this

Lately, I’ve been avoidant of prayer. A lot of fear comes with it for me lately. Fear I don’t deserve it, fear I’m doing it wrong, fear I’ll say the wrong thing or damage my salvation in some way, fear God will think I’m fake, etc. But, if I avoid praying because I’m afraid, I’m afraid then that God is mad at me for not praying, or that it means I don’t have a good enough relationship with him. If I was a better Christian, I’d pray more. It’s a vicious cycle, because then I feel even more guilt and worry about prayer. Like, I’m scared God will think I’m full of it, or I don’t love him, because I go days without praying at times.

i feel like getting on this app is a compulsion, but it brings me so much comfort knowing there’s people out there like me. and knowing i’m not alone

Does anyone notice they change clothes after they either touched something that brings anxiety or are in a situation that brought anxiety in.....even if yours clothes were not touched? This happens to mr and it gets exhausting and I change clothes more often than I need yo. I have been trying not to change clothes if they are not dirty. I am trying to sit with it for a while. How long does it take before your brain stops telling you to change clothes or do the compulsion you do?

I just feel so lonely with my thoughts. I want someone to sit next to me for hours so we talk and I cry and I open up fully. I tried therapy but it just isn’t enough. I am extremely scared that I lose my mind any second and not be able to function normally like be hospitalized for the rest of my life. I can’t anymore. It’s too hard. I cannot open up because my thoughts and concerns are all sexual like about my sexual orientation or if I want to have threesome or what happens after and should I do it or not. I have this urge to ask my 23 yo sister about it but deep down I am afraid she would not understand me and judge me. it’s so scary to live my life. I am zoned out all the time. I am tired and scared and lonely and stuck. I cannot get anything done.

Does anyone else with ocd/perfectionism feel like everything is twice as hard for them in life? I have always tried to my best at school and in all my jobs. But I found that often times I would study twice as much as others, try twice as hard and others would still do much better than me! It’s like perfectionism and ocd make everything harder. I always noticed how there were some people that seemed to be barely trying but doing doing much better than I was! If there was a way to overcome perfectionism and OCD life would be so much better and more fulfilling. Have any of y’all done ERP therapy and found that you’re able to get more done? Do any of y’all know what I mean about everything being twice as hard but still getting les done than many people who aren’t even trying. There’s only one area that I have mostly conquered perfectionism in and seen how less effort has actually lead me to better results without even trying. This area is the area of food. I used to have a cycle of dieting and then gaining weight (10-15lbs.) Then dieting, restricting, then over eating. I decided to try something different. I had read about homeostasis, the body’s natural tendency to stay at a certain weight. I had also read about reverse dieting where you gradually up your calories over time. I had also spent some time looking into intuitive eating where you simply eat what feels right to you. I did a combination of these things. I literally did the opposite of what you would think you are supposed to do to maintain your weight. Instead of focusing on “keeping” a certain weight, or maintaining a certain weight. I gave myself room for error and said it was ok to gain 3-8lbs because I could always just lose them again. And, I made no foods off limits. If I overate one meal I didn’t sweat it, I thought “no big deal, one time of overeating isn’t going to make me gain weight.” Surprisingly, being easy on myself, leaving room for imperfections, and letting myself eat what I WANT to eat instead of what I’m “supposed” to eat has made it so much easier for me to maintain weight! I cannot even describe how well this has worked for me. Everything, all the mindsets seem the opposite of what you would think they would be! I have many aimed the same weight for over a year almost without trying and while enjoying all the foods I love! There have been 2 times where I gained 3-5 pounds but it was honestly so easy to get the weight off. I again used another paradoxically way of thinking. Instead of punishing myself, and pushing myself to lose the weight I did something else. I thought “what would make me feel better, losing this excess weight or eating the extra food?”. I realized I’d feel better to lose the extra weight. And I also barely restricted. I ate all the foods I wanted just slightly less. And instead of focusing on “eat less” I focused on all the foods I did “get” to eat instead of all the food I wasn’t going to eat. I know food is different than other areas of life but I just can’t describe how well this method has worked for me. Granted, it has taken many years of trial and error for me to reach this comfort level with food! But it just shows me if imperfections can be this helpful at maintaining a healthy body weight without even trying how much more can embracing imperfection make us more efficient in other aspects of life! I just need to find mindsets that work for me just like I did with food. Anyone have any mindsets that helped them navigate life with perfectionism? Do y’all have any stories about how giving yourself permission to be imperfection actually made you better?

I want to encourage everyone who comes across this to reach out to the people you want to reach out to. For so long, I know I felt under an obligation to be so self-sufficient in managing my life, that I didn’t need to rely on anybody. But this a sad and lonely philosophy. It denies the part of us that blossoms when we share our lives with other people. And I don’t want anyone else to have to experience that, so long as I can help it. I want people to feel free to love unconditionally and BE loved unconditionally. So show them your whole soul. Bright as the stars. I don’t think there’s a risk more worth taking.

Does anyone else wish there was a chat feature to speak with a coach or counselor on here? I guess they might worry that people will seek immediate reassurance, but sometimes being all alone is horrible. I have had non stop adrenaline since Friday and being alone like this feels 10x worse. I visited someone yesterday, and I’m trying to hold out to see my therapist tomorrow but it’s so difficult. I am so alone.

I’ve been doing a bit better recently at trying to move forward from my main event obsession. It has completely consumed me for years (which I believe is justified). To preface, I’m not looking for sympathy. I am not a good person. My event involved me being unfaithful to my girlfriend about 5 years ago. Over a period of MONTHS. It’s my biggest regret in life, my biggest source of shame and self loathing. Once I pulled my head out of my ass and fully accepted the severity and gravity of my actions, I confessed to my girlfriend and got myself into therapy. I’ve spent years self reflecting (and unfortunately continuing to confess every detail and related thought I can possibly think of to my gf). We have had many, many long and emotional conversations about this. Somehow, she forgives me, trusts me, and continues to see goodness and value in me. This creates a huge disconnect in my brain because I am my least favorite person I have ever met. I’m aware that I don’t deserve her forgiveness and continued love. I am aware that because of my actions, I can never be the person I was before all of this again. I have finally accepted that I am no longer in the “good” category of humanity. It was so hard to accept, my ego and selfishness desperately clung to the idea that with enough work and self reflection, I could someday be seen as “good” again. But that’s not the point, that’s not what matters. I don’t have to be “good”. I have to wear my regret and remorse on my sleeve and use my past as motivation to never hurt someone so GENUINELY good again. I have to swallow my pride and accept that the way that I see myself and the way that I feel about myself now is just the consequences of my wicked actions. I accept that. I just don’t know how to proceed. Somehow, my girlfriend still wants me. She still sees me as a part of her future. I am so endlessly grateful, and I will never take her or the grace she has extended for granted ever again. I have changed so much in the past five years. Now above all else, I value transparency, honesty, genuine remorse, sitting with my girlfriend in her emotions, encouraging her healing in her own therapy journey, validating her experiences and feelings, and doing what I can to be a source of joy, comfort, and ease in her life. It’s all too little too late, this is how a normal person with fully functioning empathy and respect for others would have behaved all along. Unfortunately that wasn’t me, so this is all I can do. I guess I’m writing this post because I’m still struggling to move forward. My girlfriend has wanted me to stop living in the past for years, but I feel like I still haven’t learned and internalized every lesson and meaning from my past actions. Even though my girlfriend doesn’t want any more details or confessions, I always feel like I haven’t told her enough (“If she just knew this one thing it would surely change her mind about wanting to stay with me.” Then I stupidly confess despite her wishes, and she still forgives me.) I’ve had about two months in a row now where I’ve done better at staying present and minimizing the amount I bring up the past (whenever we talk about this event, I am the one to bring it up). It doesn’t feel right though, it just feels like I’m ignoring my misdeeds. It feels like I’ve stopped actively learning from my past. And this isn’t even the only reprehensible thing I’ve done. I’m a very unstable, emotionally disregulated, and impulsive person. I have had so many hurtful and shameful moments in my relationship. Sometimes I suspect that I may even be dealing with something like BPD (not self diagnosing or trying to enforce negative stereotypes, I just painfully relate to a lot of the research I’ve done about interpersonal struggles with BPD). I have caused so much baggage in our relationship that I don’t even know how it’s possible that she still wants me without being a victim of Stockholm Syndrome or something. She very much disagrees with this sentiment and stresses the importance of me trusting that she knows what’s best for herself, and that she makes decisions accordingly. Sorry for the rant, I know maybe this isn’t even super OCD related (as I know my actions are severe and warrant a level of shame, regret, and disgust). I just feel so stuck. I want to move forward because I love my girlfriend and I want to do whatever she needs me to do to aid her in her own healing. But I am so stuck in fear. Fear that I don’t deserve her, that I’ve brainwashed her, that she’s trapped with me, etc. I just can’t fathom forgiving, loving, and reconciling with someone like me. I just need help, because I every time I take a step forward, I take 3 steps back. It doesn’t matter that I’ve changed, I’ve caused a monumental level of stress and grief in her life, and no amount of change will ever make me worthy of her love again. But I will never stop trying. If anyone has any advice or wise words for me, I could really use them right now. I’m sorry if I have triggered, upset, or angered anyone. If any of you reading this have been a victim of someone like me, I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that, and I hope that you can find peace and healing in your own situation. Thanks for reading.

Hey guys. Just a reminder that regardless of the subtype, our need for certainty is the enemy. I hope you guys are doing okay today. Any victories or grievances that need to be shared?

before we start let Me start by saying I need help and don’t know How to get it I’m struggling academically my ocd is taking over and I have white hair and I didn’t turn 18 yet (I turn in a few weeks) everyone else seems so happy😩 ERP is harder in my case because of the extremely weird thing my ocd wants My ocd is obsessed with order and certain numbers So I lost something in that place (it was a paper) I then recovered and found it but my ocd believes somehow something fell out and something is still lost even tho I know I found it and I connot stop In order To shut my ocd up I do a compulsion where I go to that place since my ocd is obsessed with the number 4 I need to go to that place 2 times more to make it 4 The problem is I can’t just avoid this place and move on which is ERP I need to go there for college things So my ocd’s logic is since it’s going to happen anyway why not whine and destroy the shit out of the time until I do it

Hi, I’m new to this app and not really sure what I’m expecting from it. I’ve dealt with many types of OCD throughout my life, normally only really one type at a time. About 2 years ago now is when I first developed really bad harm OCD. The worst part is that I didn’t know what it was, and I felt like I couldn’t go to anybody to talk about it because they would think I was a danger. I struggled in silence for months, until I came across a TikTok about OCD, specifically harm OCD. I remember feeling so seen, and so safe, that I cried tears of joy. I wasn’t crazy after all. I wasn’t destined to be the next Jeffery Dahmer, and I wasn’t some hidden psychopath. I didn’t want to self diagnose, however, so I visited my therapist, who I’d previously been seeing for anxiety, and told her what I’d been experiencing. I brought up what I’d read about online, and how I thought it sounded similar to what I was going through. The woman sat there and told me she’d never heard of it, and she had no idea what I was talking about. Over the next few visits, I tried to keep bringing up the possibility of OCD, and how everything I’d seen matched my symptoms exactly and how I really thought I would benefit from OCD therapy. She brushed me off each time, saying that it was just anxiety, and that OCD was a cleanliness issue. So I stopped seeing her. Around this time, summer started, and I was constantly busy and having fun. My OCD stopped bothering me as much, with only the occasional small flare up. I found myself able to listen to true crime podcasts and such again without comparing myself to the killers, or worrying about if what I was eating might actually be ground up people. School started back up, and I hardly ever thought about it at all. It was so freeing, like this giant weight had been lifted off of my chest. Then, in March of this year, on a random Thursday, it flared back up. Bad. I had a giant panic attack caused by my OCD and ever since then, while not nearly as crippling as 2 years ago, I have been plagued with intrusive thoughts again. They’ve stopped worrying me as much, because I know what they are, and I know what’s causing them and how to not give them power, but sometimes I still find myself consumed. There are no OCD specialists in my area, and I really don’t want to go back to that therapist, who never even bothered to look into it for me. I strongly believe what I have is OCD, and I have been calling it such for the past year, because that is the only thing that I have found that describes what I’m going through. Has anyone related to this? Is there anything anyone recommends? I was doing so well, and then it all just came rushing back, and I’m having a hard time squashing it again.

Hi everyone. Please read this and help me if you can. I’ve posted on here a lot. I’ve been going through therapy and (I’m the girl with the dog, btw) and I got diagnosed with Harm OCD three months ago. It’s getting really fucking bad even with therapy and I don’t know what to do, or maybe it’s not that anymore? My brain feels confused all the time and I can’t tell what my intent is anymore. My main compulsion with my dog was checking. Get a horrible thought, check to make sure that I wanted her here still. The thought of her dying always upset me terribly, so I knew that they were just intrusive thoughts. No intent, no plan. I used those as my checking mechanism for so long. Then, the last few days, I think of her dying and I get a feeling like I like it. Like I want her to be gone. If I hide knives and everything, my brain throws me a thought of something else. All day, I have this horrible feeling like I actually want to do it, a jittery, nervous, on edge feeling. Like I have more anxiety from not doing it than doing it. And am just holding myself back. If I say to myself “you have no plan” I get my brain racing like it’s making one or I’m making one, and If I say to myself “there’s no intent” it gives me a feeling of purposely doing that to her. If I tell myself “you love her and you want her alive” it gives me this wave of doubt through my chest that I actually don’t. This goes on ALL day and night. Everything becomes a thought or feeling of hurting her. I sit with her and sometimes get these impulses of “just do it it’s easy”. Almost unbearable and I’ve felt so close to acting on it. I don’t think I care about her anymore. I literally feel like I don’t. She was the most important thing; my value, my whole world. I never wanted her to die. That’s another thing - if I say the word die, I feel like I’m fantasizing about it. It’s a feeling I can’t explain. I hate this. I’m so sure I will act on these thoughts. Aren’t people with harm ocd afraid of acting? Not feeling like they want to and will (but don’t want to because I know in my heart I don’t possibly want her gone).

Hey how are you all doing ? I’m looking for people who has struggled with existential ocd bc I feel this theme is not very common and very hard ( at least for me ) so anyway if you would like to exchange about it don’t hesitate ! I’m looking for support bc god I hate this theme

I can’t tell what’s right and wrong anymore. It’s like my moral compass/rationality is completely broken. I could just shut my feelings down whenever. It might sound like a good thing but it also means I wouldn’t feel any remorse or guilt or negative emotions if I were to do something immoral (hypothetically speaking). In contrast, sometimes my feelings get so deep in the way that my rationality cannot win no matter what. My brain does that out of nowhere and I hate it because it ends up triggering my OCD theme and I have to start back up to be able to cope again. It’s like I’ve developed this intense intolerance towards any sort of stress whatsoever, even the good type of stress that helps you grow. My brain just shuts down and mentally I become a kid again and I can’t listen to logic no matter what.

From few days I am getting thought that how i would hurt a child but now I am not feeling anxious like I used feel when I used have such kind of thoughts usually I used to have panic attacks and felt extremely anxious. But now I don't feel anything like that ? Now I feel like I am a bad person who would not feel bad if I hurt a child. What's going on can anyone tell me. I feel I will kill myself because I don't want to hurt anyone?

It feels so fucken real. Right now, I'm struggling with distinguishing between genuine thoughts and feelings vs. False attraction.... meanwhile I'm getting further in the relationship with my bf. I love him but I'm even doubting that right now. I saw someone say that if you care about harming your partner then you're not actually the orientation you fear you might be. Not reassuring myself or anything, but idea anymore because my brain always throws: "But WHAT IF you've been pretending to love him/men the WHOLE TIME?!" and now you're a fraud and leading him on... we recently talked about engagement and are saving for an apartment and that's when I noticed the anxiety flared up again (comparable to when I first struggled with this theme in 2022)

So something that kinda pops up with my anxiety is about a year or so ago i ate an edible gummy after not doing anything for a while and i tripped out really bad… for example i thought i was gonna overdose and die, and that i was already dead.. that is the most fear i have felt in my entire life, and even though its over and has been over i have this constant fear in my mind “what if your still high and this is all a dream” or “your gonna wake up and it will still be that night” i never wanna feel that way again. i can’t even go around the smell of weed with out freaking out. i can’t take pills, or vitamin gummies because “what if it will make me high” when it comes to sleeping i wanna try this dr teals sleep blend but i struggle so much with it because of my mind saying “it will make you feel high”.. even when i feel tired i feel scared cause it reminds me of feeling high.. its just i feel so stuck with the same reaccrujng thought “this could be the time you wake up and it was all just a dream” “you could wake up from coma and this was all imagined” i don’t know what else to do, its my own mind no one can help me and that sucks i don’t know how to win the battle when it’s such a deep rooted fear. i feel like im pushing my family away. i feel so numb.

Lately I’ve been feeling so off. I’ve realized I’ve been having more “bad” days. Long story short I’ve been living in pain for over a year and was told I need back surgery. Due to the pain and injury I’ve had many restrictions. I’m unable to do a lot of the things I normally do and I’ve been just sitting around mostly every day not doing much. I almost think I’m slightly depressed. The surgery is about a month away but I just feel like all my emotions are finally hitting me. Like today I felt so upset and lonely and almost spaced out. I’ve been trying to stay positive but I just feel overwhelmed.

i give my cats belly rubs and they love it. im getting anxious im abusing my cat because i touch her nipple area when i rub her belly, she doesn’t mind at all but i feel guilty but it feels so kinda a funny weird feeling when i do it so now i feel guilty. would go erp be to rub the area a little more to expose myself?