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I was fine for a few months and I feel my HARMOCD is coming back. It’s still the targeted thought to “kill mom” it’s bringing me alot of anxiety and it’s the only thought that is still around. What do I do?

Struggling currently struggling with magical thinking and feeling like I’ll never overcome it. What has worked for you?

I spoke to my boyfriend tonight, which made me very happy :) I’m seeing him tomorrow, and I’m really looking forward to it BUT because I’m looking forward to it, my ocd is trying to ruin it 😞 already I have intrusive thoughts - ‘what if something goes wrong and I don’t enjoy my time with him’ ‘it would be the worst thing in the world to get triggered’ ‘I’m so silly thinking I could see him without being triggered or having intrusive thoughts.’ I feel very under pressured, because if I spend let’s say 4 hours with him, if I get triggered in the first 10 mins of seeing him, then the rest of the night is ruined. So, I try and control getting triggered, but I can’t. When I’m triggered, I can’t be present AT ALL, I feel so tense and everything feels wrong 😟 do I just accept I will be triggered? I’m not sure what I do in that moment! (I get triggered by comments that agree with my ocd, thanks 🙏🏻)

I feel like I’m back at square one with my ROCD. I was getting good at managing it and not letting the thoughts about how i “don’t love my partner” , “ he’s not the one for you” , “what if there is someone else out there that’s better and you never meet them because you are staying with your boyfriend” get to me. But now i feel like im back at square one. Everything he does triggers me it feels like- and my immediate thought is to break up because he’s not the one for me if everything he does causes me distress. And i just don’t understand how i got here. I feel like I’ll never be able to enjoy my relationship with him again. I don’t feel a spark anymore and i feel numb towards him. BUT I DONT WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY! I want to feel how i felt a few months ago before all this ROCD took over my life. I feel awful and guilty that he has to be with someone who thinks such awful and sad things about him & the relationship we have. I don’t understand how this could happen to me/ us. We use to be so happy all the time and i miss that. I feel guilty saying I’m not happy and that makes me think i need to leave him. But i also know it’s OCD …but also …is it? How do i know ? It’s driving me crazy. What if i never get the happy spark with him again. Some days i feel it and it feels like nothings wrong & i cherish those days so much. I ruminate on our relationship and how it use to feel before this OCD took over and ruined it for me/us. It makes it even worse because he says he’s still happy and in love and it makes my guilt sky rocket. I feel like i can’t feel any emotion towards him like i use to. Maybe the relationship is just over? I don’t know. I just feel hopeless and sad and frustrated and like the worst girlfriend.

I hate how I can be feeling fine for a few days, barely any thoughts and if I do they don’t bother me, but then there are times where I intentionally think of them. For example, the past three days I was doing pretty good. Not really having my harm thoughts and feeling well overall. However, today I noticed I was ruminating a bit about my thoughts. Like I purposefully made myself think of them and dwell on them. I don’t have any anxiety anymore. I just feel nothing. Maybe I’m just used to them? I don’t know. But I still feel the urges - like I really want to harm someone and I want to act on it. It feels like pent up energy or something, and I’m holding myself back. It feels inevitable that I will eventually act on them. And for me to purposefully think about them makes me think I’m fantasizing or actually desiring them. Like actual wants. Plus I don’t feel like the homework that I have been given is as effective. Like just responding in with neutral “ok’s” to the thoughts just feel pointless or rather feels like I don’t want to get rid of the thought. I should be glad that maybe I’m improving, but at the same time I don’t feel like I am…I still feel stuck. I still feel like there is actually no cure and I have changed into this, and that it’s only a matter of time until I’m okay with acting on these thoughts. I just feel off and strange. Sometimes it’s difficult to know who I am, what I want, etc.

I had a relapse on porn again which I'm not being too hard on myself on. The problem is though when I do sometimes go on adult sites for videos or pictures it's really easy to see disturbing messed up things in fiction unfortunately. This is why I stick to softcore things because they are simple and not taboo but then there's still the risk of seeing nasty things people are uploading to sites. I absolutely can't stand it. I get some unfiltered searches are just so disgusting and gross that have NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I SEARCH. This happens even on YouTube. Pretty much anything l use to search for very specific searches. They always involve adults or women that I feel like very adult oriented. When I'm not sure, I try to look up their age. When looking though, I would stumble upon very suspicious, disturbing content in the form of playlists or under channels sometimes when Iust want to look at legal only things. l just want to be free of this cycle. I feel like l'm a bad person just for coming into contact with this stuff accidentally whenl don't want to see it. I know I've made posts like these in thepast but it just causes me a lot of distress when it happens. There's someone out there that I have feelings for and I just never feel like I'm ready because this holds me back. I'm trying to work through it in therapy but it's just been difficult, although very helpful. I just want all of this to stop. I just want to get the images of seeing messed up things out of my head both from my teen years and now. I still remember the things I've seen and I still remember how when I was a young teenager I didn't know any better and thought it was okay to see things like that without any sex education. I just hate this and want it to go away forever.

This is something I'm struggling to navigate around at the moment. What advice or lessons have proved useful to you? (by beliefs, I mean any and all belief systems no matter how big or small)

To addresses overthinking, which occurs when past events are analyzed and future events are worried about to the extent that focusing on simple tasks becomes difficult. Here are three effective methods: 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Distract yourself by using your senses to focus on five things you see, four sounds you hear, etc. Counter-Belief : Identify and challenge weakening beliefs by forming and testing positive counter-beliefs. Delay Worrying: Set a specific time for worrying, which often diminishes the anxiety's I hope this helps

Hello, at the risk of seeking reassurance, I wanted to see if anyone else here had experienced what I consider a strange thought process in my ocd. I have suffered from harm and existential themes for around 4 months now, with the existential themes having stemmed from the initial fear that I could become a violent person (triggered by something I read online). Before I knew better I would argue and engage excessively with the thoughts to try and disprove them. This led me to tread into very dark and strange philosophical territory. For example: I would tell myself that there’s no way that I could hurt someone because I am repulsed by the thought and I know that if I ever were to cause harm, I would feel awful. But logic doesn’t work on this, so my brain would then suggest that I could still hurt someone despite not wanting to because I could actually somehow want to feel awful. This led to a lot of bizarre thoughts about whether I actually want good things for myself and what essentially amounts to an identity crisis and fears that I am in denial and actually have some sort of evil shadow self that I’ve been unaware of my whole life. As if the more I tried to reason my way out of it, the more I lost touch with reason. I don’t want any reassurance, just looking for some commonality and maybe encouragement to keep working on getting better.

I went out to eat with mom yesterday, we were having a good time and my intrusive thoughts were , but suddenly while eating pasta using a fork I started having random images of me hurting her and the people at the other table with the fork (ridiculous right?) I’ve never had thoughts or fears regarding forks, I don’t consider them dangerous, it was mainly sharp knives or sharp scissors that scared me. But this happened out of the blue and the visuals I had felt very real, and was having commands and scenarios playing over and over in my heaf to harm my mom and these strangers. I got that scared I started visibly sweating and my eyes watery bc I was about to cry, my mom asked me if I was ok but ofc I was not going to ruin the moment even tho she knows about my harm ocd. It got even worse when the urges started that made me feel I was seconds away of doing something and the images became so violent and even replayed a scene of a whole outcome that would happen if I did the thing I feared the most. This was crazy af, I wanted to get up from there so bad and flee to the restroom to cry out, but I just needed to pretend and continue behaving as normal as I could so mom wouldn’t get worried, so I continued eating with the fork all the while havign thoughts, urges and visuals. It eventually passed and I didn’t harm anyone of course but it was horrific and ruined my entire day. I don’t understand why this is happening to me!! My mom is the most important person in my life, I love her more than anything and can’t imagine being without her, i would never do that horrible thing!! I am plagued by the fear of living like this for the rest of my life, as ocd doesn’t go away, it’s a lifelong disorder!! I’d rather be dead than living w this forver. The urges are the scariest thing of this disorder, it feels like i’m holding back and I could do it any second, which is the last thing I’d want. Today I woke up nauseated and crying a river bc what was looking as a perfect day got ruined once again. F**k this. Anybody had a similar episode? I just feel so alone..

Hi everyone. This is my first post so go easy on me. I’m a male, mid-30’s who has suffered with OCD for at least 10 years, but only more recently (4-5 years) have I been ‘aware’ of it. I struggle with ROCD (amongst other subtypes) and it has/still is causing me great distress and affecting my home & work life tremendously. I have been with my partner for 16 years and taking OCD out of the equation for a moment - we are happy and content. Our relationship suffers when my ROCD spikes and I have a tendency to either confess everything, or if I’m able to keep things to myself, very much go into my shell and stay very quiet. The way it manifests with me is on a “what have I done wrong (in the relationship)” kind of way. As you might expect - mistakes/indiscretions/morality questions. But always, always relating to the past. I can usually use the various tools I’ve learned over the years to try and sit with the feelings of guilt/shame/loneliness etc, but sometimes it is really hard to move forward if I’m feeling particularly stuck. I’ve got to the point now where I’m reviewing events which happened before we even got together. An example: At the very beginning I was aware that my partner liked me because I’d been told via a 3rd party. I liked her too, so I sent her a message on Facebook asking her on a date. I then went on a boys holiday (I am 18 years old at this point). During the holiday, stuff happened which (if in a relationship) would undoubtedly be classed as cheating. When I got back from my holiday I looked at my Facebook messages and found a reply from her saying she would like to go on a date with me. Fast forward 16 years and we are engaged, have an amazing daughter & are going to be welcoming another little one early in 2025. Within all of this for some reason I cannot shake the OCD on my back telling me that what happened on the boys holiday was cheating. I fall into the usual traps and try to reason with it: how did I know she would accept my date invitation? How did I know we would even get on and be where we are today? I didn’t know. But despite this sound logic it just keeps coming for me with: you knew she liked you so why did you act single on holiday? Or you knew she would accept your date invitation? On one hand I know I am being utterly ridiculous and it is not reasonable to suggest I should have acted any other way than as a single person on this trip. But on the other I am looking at it from the standpoint of where we are today, almost as if it’s just happened. Has anyone suffered with this sort of thing and if so, how have you overcome it without feeling like you’re keeping a massive secret from your other half? Thank you.

TW I told my dad what ocd is and what the thoughts are like and he said step away from me right now and that I deserve to be locked up I don’t know what to do

I am wanting to go to therapy to hopefully lower my OCD symptoms but I am terrified to tell anyone else, like a therapist, about my intrusive thoughts. Has anyone else had this experience and if so how did you get over it?

hello, i’m having a bit of a spiral so here it goes. if you have soocd and went on deep dives you have probably seen the story where the girl has soocd, but come out at her feared orientation, which is gay. big trigger for a lot of us. but i found that the only difference is she had past memories of being gay and then had hocd trying to convince herself that she’s straight not gay. mines similar in a way but i never had memories of being gay(ofc my ocd brain gets to tell me otherwise and will try and fake memories) and am just trying to figure out if im straight but also trying to figure out if i could be gay i was doing so good because i finally was like okay im still gonna have these soocd thoughts but i finally feel like okay i can say that im gonna come out of this straight because i don't have a history of being gay growing up. then this happens: i just saw a coming out story where a girl showed no signs of being gay had crushes on boys and dated boys and said she was fully boy crazy and even dreamed of like disney fairytales. she said the only thing was that she just sometimes didn’t want to hangout with her boyfriends. (like hello that's me). BUT THEN SHE WAS GAY! then i looked up if that happens a lot and google said yes it does, people don't have ANY signs of being gay when they are younger jen’s one cases i know ive been diagnosed with hocd and it's said the small percentage of people who have hocd and come out there feared sexuality and had pervious knowledge of being gay in there youth. BUT THIS GIRL DIDNT. so what if i have hocd, didn't show signs when i was younger, and am actually gay (the only difference between me and her is that i have hocd and im not comfortable with these thoughts and when she found out she was comfortable with these thoughts. but what if i accept these thoughts and get comfortable with being gay) i guess i just want to know im not alone.

Hi there, I broke up with my boyfriend this morning. We were dating for about 4 and a half months, but it was quite serious. I have been dealing with feelings of rOCD with him ever since we started talking. We have the same values, similar likes & dislikes, and I have felt like I have been able to be my true self with him. I never experienced the "infatuation" period with him and that has always thrown me off with our relationship. I didn't realize I was experiencing rOCD, or even OCD until about a month into our relationship. I told him about my OCD and he was very understanding, however, he questioned if the rOCD was actually me just not having feelings for him. He kept saying "if I keep having doubts about the relationship, that's not OCD, that's just what I want". I can't help but want to disagree with this. I broke up with him this morning because it just felt like we weren't getting anywhere and not on the same page. I was struggling with knowing what I want in the future. Sidenote: I am a strong Christian and I have a huge fear of getting married, but I know I want to get married one day and have children. I am questioning if I did the right thing. I am questioning if I am a terrible person because of this. I have been doing ERP with a therapist here at NOCD, but I'm scared I don't actually have OCD. I'm just doing this to hide the fact I don't have true feelings for my bf. Has anyone gone through a similar experience? No advice please. I just want to know I'm not alone.

How would I do a ERP session on my own? I need some tips

I have a question My OCD has felt almost invisible the past few weeks and now that is starting to stress me out a lot. Right now I am at a point in my treatement where I was asked if I would like to take medication. I told my therapist this week that I would like to try the medication based on how miserable I feel in during OCD flare ups. But now my brain always tells me that I only go throught this treatement etc. to seek attention and that I am just dramatic and should be ashamed of myself for wanting to take this medication. So now I am doubting if I should take the medication or not. Any advice?

so i am struggling with something triggered by a real event, i’m not sure what my intentions were behind it and i can’t remember all i remember thinking is “did i just (thing)?” and then getting flushed with a fire sensation and it felt like my throat was on fire. i freaked out and spiraled and tried neutralizing the thought but it didn’t work, and it really felt like i really did just do the thing i didn’t want to do before i thought “did i just (thing)” i was thinking things like “am i doing this (thing)? no way right? what if i did?” and i remember not really changing what i was doing almost as if i wanted to do the thing im afraid of. everytime i think of this my stomach drops, and when i think back on this event i just remember myself feeling like i wanted to “test the waters” which, if true … eugh :( something i don’t understand is seeing people say “i know it’s OCD but-“, how do they know it’s OCD? i can’t tell if mine is OCD and stemming from that or if i really did do something bad.

I can’t concentrate on anything because of those thoughts and urges my head is hurt I’m afraid I’m going to fail my test even though I know the material. I have thought/urge in my mind all day and I’m annoyed that it’s here all day I can’t do anything what if I never be able to concentrate never? I’m terrified I have important test tomorrow and in 2 days I didn’t learn. I feel like a failure. I’m afraid what if the urge/ thought be big in the test and I wouldn’t be able to focus on the test and fail?? I’m terrified

I feel like I want to throw up I’m think I’m having Groinal response for like 4 days none stood I can’t stop crying. When I’m hyper focused it’s terrible I feel it. I’m afraid I’m doing it on purpose and when I’m thinking I’m having the Groinal on purpose I have a specific intrusive thoughts that kills me it’s on someone specific I want to throw up . I feel super bad it’s for four days in a row I can’t stop crying I hate that feeling. I think i move my groin on purpose to the thought it’s every second of the day. I feel like I want to throw up I feel horrible I never felt like this. I don’t want to move my groin to the thought I don’t I swear I feel carzy and it’s a specific thought with specific person. I just broke down in front of my parents again I can’t live like this. I’m a bad person. It’s just that I get the urge down there to move my groin and I’m not doing this purpose to the thought but they come and I feel horrible. It’s like this all day I could feel my going and I have the urge to move it and a spesific imag shows up I want to throw up. It’s been horrible 4 days what if I’m a p I don’t want to be one I want to throw up now can’t stop crying. Please why me why me why me what if I’m a p ? I don’t want to be one. I don’t want to move my groin to the thought but it’s happen because of a stopid urge and because I hyper focus. What if I’m move my groin purposely to the thought??? No no no omg. I can’t live like this omg whattt? I feel like a monster? How will I live a normal life? When I can’t pass the day??? Nothing helps not therapy not medication so maybe it’s means I’m a p and a bad person I don’t want to be one. But my stopid mind is always against me I want to throw up. I just cried in front of my parents again and they got mad again omg I’m terrified I barely could sleep at night. What if I do it on purpose ?? What if I’m a one? What if I never live a normal life? I can’t do it