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the NOCD Community

Every therapist I’ve tried for OCD has felt dehumanizing and judgy, as if I’m the threat not my OCD. I’m still looking for a good therapist. Have you ever had a bad therapy experience?

Not sure what to say. Just that I am so tired of dealing with OCD - I’ve had it for most of my life and as a 40 something woman, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being misunderstood and mistreated. I’m tired of seeing relationships that I have dwindle bc my friends and family are overwhelmed with my ruminations and reassurance. I’m embarrassed bc I overwhelm my friends and family with whom I’ve trusted my personal thoughts with and I keep thinking that they can help me through stuff only to be let down. I’ve yet to meet another mind like mines who is complicated but trying to survive because I have children and want to see them grow. I’m tired of feeling defeated because someone took advantage of me and my thoughts. It’s so exhausting but I’m ready to try this because I know I need help. Not sure if this is triggering I’m just ranting bc I’m so lost.

So I’m 16 years old, currently going through my sophomore year of highschool. I’ve recently quit nicotine and weed after chronic use for about 4 years (has affected my development extremely). I quit because I wanted a better life for myself because I knew that I was using nicotine and weed for short term happiness and long term made me very depressed about this life. I was also experiencing trouble concentrating on simple tasks and what I wanted to do currently in my life. Which was learning about life and having more knowledge about life in general so i could feel more comfortable and happy in the future. So I quit nicotine I thought I was going to be able to overcome it and be more comfortable with myself knowing that I’m not in a constant loop of short term happiness, long term making me less happy overall. Although I have quit nicotine and haven’t touched it in about 3 weeks I expected to have some major withdrawals because I’m still in adolescence and used nicotine about everyday for 4 years. Sorry I’m rambling about this but through those years of always suppressing my anxiety with nicotine when anything came up that triggered it. I started noticing that on vacation in very stressful moments like at the airport and there were people around me when using the bathroom I felt as though it was nearly impossible to go but after sometime I eventually went and shrugged it off. Now that I’ve quit though I’m my 4th week it’s almost like my brain really latched onto that fear of not being able to go around people publicly (paruresis shy bladder syndrome) and that’s also what addiction does to you I’ve acknowledged. But when I started coming home from school I started thinking about not being able to pee more and more to the point i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since which now every time i feel a slight trigger of having to use the bathroom i start obsessing over it like everything I would try and do that i usually do my brain would draw me away from it and go back to the fear of not being able to go which created a lot of anxiety and thoughts like “would if im not able to stop going” which made me think about it more and more I would just wake up with that thought in my head each day to the point where i was really thinking about killing my self because I thought i would have such a better life without nicotine and weed but ultimately made me feel like i was going crazy and I really wanted to go back to vaping and weed but i knew that this was the cycle of addiction and that i may have a more underlying problem here i need to overcome somatic ocd. I haven’t been diagnosed with it yet and I know a lot of people go through a cycle of self diagnosing. But as I’ve slowly started to mentally figure out ways to get through this obsession over peeing and fight it, it’s like my brain is now trying to look for a new bodily sensation to obsess over. My breathing. I noticed this as well while using that sometimes I would think about my breathing a little bit to much for example saying to myself am I breathing right should I breath this certain way would if I can’t stop thinking about it. But as I was thinking about that I just hit my vape talked to my brother about it and just slept it off. Now that I don’t have a vape I’ve had to go through these expierences but with it feeling more real and not really having something to run to, to suppress like my vape. I’m writing this today as I feel better to myself talking about it and opening up about it as I’m trying to not respond to this fear with anxiety and go throughout my days ignoring these obsessive thoughts leading to extreme anxiety that I don’t have anything to suppress it with anymore besides my own mental. Maybe someone here will have some more knowledge about it than I do and can give me some advice to try to keep me more motivated to deal with this ocd I feel as though I’m having so I don’t end up in a dark place. Thank you.

For those who have had success with medication for OCD/anxiety, how is your life different now compared to before starting medication?

I don’t know if it’s SOOCD. I no longer feel anxious in the moment when I think about women, and it’s like my imagination wants me to think about it and get aroused. I don’t want to be gay, but maybe I am after all. In my life I haven’t been so sexually driven before (when I was living with a man, or when being single) but now all I can think about is having sex with a woman. I don’t want to, but somehow my body does and it feels like my mind have changed to accept it to.. feel so sad This all started around 4 weeks ago..

I really dont know if it is ocd anymore I dont want certain sexual things with my bf anymore that i used to like When i envision it with a girl it is so easy to envision and it feels like i want that , that will give me the satisfaction This feeling is making me really question if i am still into men , desire men sexually Is this still ocd , i really dont know anymore , as it is a feeling it is too real

just crying cause i feel like im never going to recover and just have to be lesbian, even tho i love my boyfriend so much. thoughts don’t even give me anxiety anymore idk what to do, im just so done, feel like it’s all real and that i want it(when i dont). any tips or anything, idk how to keep going

I saw a quote about “the more you taste Jesus…”, I’m not sure what exactly it said afterward but my brain sexualized the tasting him part. And I imagine Jesus before me and how he cares for me, but how he also technically would have had a taste. I think I’m able to “like” the thought because of a dominant caring man in a sexual way, but I obviously hate the fact it involved Jesus. Is this blasphemy? Is he going to be mad or dislike me for this thought?

TW- POCD people only please. Am I a criminal hiding behind a diagnosis? I woke up in the middle of the night breathing and I was having groinals because she laying across me. My mind told me I had already hurt her so might as well do something else. I then was like well I have nothing to lose and I had to think of what to do. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards her groin area to cause a feeling. Well I did that and my elbow touched her groin and caused an unwanted feeling. I then immediately asked my child to move. After that, I went back to sleep but I believe in a state of shock as to what happened. I woke up panicking completely thinking I have done ruined my life. I was going to prison and would lose my child. Since then, I haven't stopped ruminating. I have had days where I feel okay, but then there are days where I can't stop crying. Thinking I don't deserve my child, and I deserve to be in the ground. I was on a new medication that was causing me to spiral and giving me insomnia during this time. I wasn't getting much sleep at all. Since then, I've slept on the floor, and I eventually got my child to sleep in their own bed to avoid this happening again. I got off the medication and feel so much better with my thoughts and sleeping so much better. My daughter tells me how wonderful I am often, but I don't feel that I even deserve to celebrate Mother's Day this year. I'm not a good mom. I was four months ago before I spiraled. What's wrong with me? (edited)

Hopefully ppl aren’t offended by this, I put a trigger warning so religious ppl don’t feel attacked hopefully. Religion seems so healing to people, but I just don’t believe in god and can’t force myself to. I can’t force a belief, and it sucks because (no shade to religious people) religious people seem so carefree and mindless to me. No religion is nice in my head, they’re all just fake. I believe in science and reality. I wish I could believe in god so I could stop thinking about the science.

Ugh i was making salah and has groinals. And worried i heard my childs voice. I struggke with pocd. I moved my legs because it hit the bed and i heard my kids voice then i felt groinals as i was bowing in ruku. My compulsion is saying stop and no and adjusting. And my ocd also causes involuntary intrusivr movements. Like sudden twitches or hip thrusts or bodily movements. I just remember adjusting while in ruku and saying no and stop to the thoughts. I also remember feeling thr groinals and just being in third person and observing jt. I also froze up and felt stuck. This happened twice. Then ocd says i was arousing myself over my kids voice during salah which i know is absurd its ego dystonic its ocd. I hate having pocd and groinals. I know i was just adjusting because ei hit the bed. Then i felt groinals and heard my kids voice and felt triggered by pocd. Then i felt my body twitching in ruku and me adjusting and also freezing up and getting stuck. Ocd tries ti make me thing i did something sexually inappropriate during prayer. I know thats not who i am. I dont do sexual inappropriate acts and especially not during prayer. I’ve already been very anxious for days so i know its just a continuation of ocd attacking me. I just hate that ofd makes me think by me adjusting and by bodily movements anxiously intrusively incoluntary moving and me getting stuck that i did something bad thats what ocd tells me. I know its not true. Why does ocd make us think or feel we did something bad

I had the biggest emotional breakdown of my life. I don't even understand why, but because of something that bothered me the slightest bit, i started yelling SOO loudly and bad at my parents: "YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME!" I threw some things, i even ran, tried to leave the house, and i ran to my room, i hit my head and i got a bump and some really bad scratches. Afterwards i felt super guilty, i feel horrible for having made my parents feel this way, and how was it possible that I hurt myself like this? I don't understand why i reacted that way, it's so, soo bad. They hugged me and we cried for a while, but i don't understand, am i crazy?

I had blood work done for a test I was having a couple weeks ago. The phlebotomist hit my vein weird, my arm bled a lot, but eventually stopped. My arm is still sore several days later. The following week I had my bronchoscopy. The nurse used the same arm that was already sore to put in the IV for the meds. My arm started hurting, swelling and burning. I told her it hurt really bad but she ignored me; then I was out. It’s been a week and my arm still hurts, and my veins are tight and hard. Couple that with the white stuff all over my face, that nobody from the care team bothered to wipe off- which I didn’t know about until my husband asked me what it was, I got harm from my OCD! At first I chalked it up to the white stuff on my face was bad bedside manners. Now, I keep thinking that my doctors and everyone associated with the clinics are trying to harm me. This morning I had an incident with the fryer oven while toasting my bagel. I asked my husband about it and he says he didn’t notice anything. I was down to the last few bites of my bagel, and suddenly started feeling loopy. I spit it out and threw the rest away. After sitting awhile thinking of the doctors and phlebotomist etc… it dawned on me that it was my OCD telling me people were trying to harm me. I don’t know how to get over the fact that my arm hurts really bad and my doctor completely ignores my health concerns. I’ve been nauseous for the past two weeks or so - there is definitely something wrong! I think when they find out that you have OCD and/or Anxiety, they treat you differently, as if you’re making up the symptoms. I most certainly haven’t felt heard! My husband always says, what’s wrong now? It’s such a horrible feeling to hear him say that. Is this what you call Harm? Or is it associated with Harm? I’m not sure if this is triggering or not. I hope not.

Can anyone give their experience on FALSE ATTRACTION? At this moment, mine has become worse. Soon as I see a male my anxiety shoots up, I can feel this in my chest and my OCD is telling me I’m attracted. But I continue to look back or stare and the disgust comes over me and my body shakes and I feel my face screw up. I can’t listen to music I use too or watch movies which was a favourite thing of mine to do. I just feel disgusted and not who I am when it happens. It’s like a different me. P.S. I had a very good week few days ago where I knew this wasn’t me and these feelings/ thoughts isn’t me.

Today I had my follow up appointment with my psychologist, I left feeling worse, I loved the psychologist I spoke to last time he was very informed and understanding, this time I got an appointment with someone who he supervises and I feel like she didn't allow me to speak, she didn't allow me to explain my thoughts or feelings, she told me I have to take my medication or she won't be able to continue helping me, which I understand but im terrified of medication I can't get over it, she said if i start the prozac and it doesn't work then I'll have to get on antipsychotics which seems a bit extreme to me considering i have no psychotic symptoms matter of fact she didn't even allow me to explain my symptoms and i feel like there's so many other antidepressants that could work before getting on antipsychotics🙁 this didn't help me at all considering the episode of ocd i just got through was about me becoming psychotic, I just feel let down and misunderstood, I almost felt as if she was mad at me for the buspar not working she said "you didn't really try it you just took it for a week so if you stopped it it's like you gave up on yourself" but it kept me up 2 nights in a row and i couldnt function from the anxiety 😞

Does anyone experience ocd really bad with posts they see online? I just saw a post just now about someone who said they’ve come to terms with dying in their early twenties, and it popped up on my Instagram for you page and i panicked. I’m 20 myself and posts like this genuinely scare me because I always think “It’s a sign or there is a reason it’s popping up on my page.” Has anyone dealt with this before or had an instance like this? Especially with those posts that say if you don’t share or like it something bad will happen, it genuinely freaks me out and I love instagram.

So I was at a family thing yesterday and my ice was bothering me and I kept washing my hands and my family noticed and started making fun of me for it and it was like non stop it made me feel really alone especially since they clearly know something’s up but they just make it worse instead of at least trying to help😕

i’m crying but i don’t deserve to i’ve had this thought before, my mom works and i stay home and clean and homeschool. lately i have not been doing my part and i understand why she’s upset. every time she gets upset with me she cries, and tells me how bad i hurt her. Also every time she’s upset with me, for some pathetic reason my head brings up when she hurt me as a child, she never really admitted to it but i think it’s because she doesn’t want to think about how bad she could’ve hurt me or brother. slowly im starting to realize how bad of a person i am, I’m a procrastinator and im lazy. i had a dream about us arguing, i said awful things, something’s i’ve never said before something’s i have out of anger and then i start crying. I think im a psycho, im crying so hard rn. i want to fix everything, why can’t i be different? in my dream i was mean and aggressive, and it scared me.

I am 15 years old and my POCD feels like its not POCD, i feel like i like my intrusive thoughts, but i have more intrusive thoughts about having intrusive thoughts, and i feel like i cant enjoy the things i normally enjoy anymore, like calling with my girlfriend and joking with her because this is still in the back of my mind, its making me question morals and if i ever even viewed P as completely wrong and i hate this so much, i love my nieces and nephews and when they're over i know id never do anything with my intrusive thoughts but when they arent present i feel like i like my thoughts. Before this i was dealing with HOCD and ROCD and i wish i could go back to that

Today is Easter and it was supposed to be low key for me and my family but my mom invited a family member that bothers my ocd alot and now they are on their way here and I'm freaking out I already had a panic attack (still having it) and my family is not helping either they keep making comments about how they just want one holiday with no problems and some other comments and it's like I'm sorry I'm not normal like my siblings I didn't ask to be like this now I'm just hurt, upset and I locked myself in my room for the rest of day. (And I was doing so good with erp and this is like making me have a ocd relapse)