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Hocd still telling me tham im 14 and i will change when i grow up.im afraid of that,its been a months and im still afraid.im starting to believe it.

Or watch violent media and etc, and how does it affect you? Just curious on ppl who deal with it

This is my first post on this app, though I made this account back in late September of 2021. I grew up in a toxic environment, and was mentally abused by my parents, included being taken advantage of because of my autism. I’ve been suffering from OCD as long as I can remember. Ever since I was a child, I’ve sometimes had thoughts that scared me, and I’d often try to find ways to calm myself down. I’ve had thoughts over the smallest and silliest of things, but as time went on, these thoughts suddenly became more violent, like wanting to step in front of moving car while waiting for the bus, or grabbing a knife on the dinner table and using it to stab a family member. Even thoughts of death and what happens afterwards scared me. Aside from being afraid of a kids horror show for a while, OCD did bother me at points in my life, but they never severely crippled me… until my teenage years. Throughout my teen hood, I would very occasionally suddenly imagine fictional child characters being SA’d. I would also sometimes imagine children getting injured while noticing them sometimes. I didn’t know why those thoughts popped up into my head and they would weird me out, but I would be able to usually push them aside and not think about them too much… but it got worse after I was dropped out of high school without my consent by my parents. In March of 2017, I was at a gas station when I saw a child and imagined doing a disgusting action with them. It freaked me out immensely and sent me into a panic attack. I was able to calm down from it shortly after, but I think it planted a seed into my brain, and it would launch a horrific attack on me the very next month. Me and my family were driving around a town for a special occasion when I had the worst OCD attack I’ve ever had. Every child I saw, I imagined doing something disgusting to them. I was having a full blown panic attack and it honestly felt like my mind itself was being sexually assaulted by this horrifying thoughts. This incident scarred me mentally, and to this day, I’m still afraid of being around anyone younger than me. I tried researching what these thoughts could mean, and I found out about these being symptoms of OCD. After talking with a psychiatrist a month later, I was diagnosed with OCD. For a while, I thought I’d be okay from that point. I thought I could conquer this on my own… but by early 2018, I was still struggling. I eventually came out to my older sibling and parents about what I was dealing with. They thankfully didn’t ridicule me, and did help me with getting a therapist. The first visit with my therapist went alright, but I was an emotional mess after finishing the session. The next time I went in however, I was seen by someone else because my therapist was out. The man I saw honestly felt condescending, and he basically made go to a group therapy session. The group therapy didn’t help in the slightest, and with more toxicity developing in my family afterwards, I stopped going after the group therapy. I did see my therapist at least once I think, but that was it. Ever since 2018, I was silent about my OCD. I was just hoping that someday I’d be free of my shackles both from my mental illness and my toxic environment. Two years later though, a friend (now partner) of mine heard about my family’s living situation and wanted to help get me out of there. I first visited them in 2021, and thankfully I stay with them for the most part. That being said, I was still worried about opening up to them about my OCD. I did talk with them about general OCD from time to time, but never got into P OCD… until last year finally. I opened up them fully about it, and both they and their mother told me that they weren’t upset, and that they understood where I was coming from. I think that genuinely helped me out, and I don’t feel as anxious as I did before. Just yesterday, I finally talked about my OCD to my older sibling (they’re super supportive and understand our parents toxicity). I was genuinely nervous about telling them for a while out of fear of them either abandoning me or ratting me out… but they understood. They were accepting and didn’t ridicule me at all. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders… and honestly, I think I might have the courage to speak up on this app finally and hopefully find a therapist who can help me. I’ve been suffering with P OCD for over 8 years now ever since I was 18. I just recently turned 27 a few days ago. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long due to trauma, fear, and PTSD. But now, I think I want to take a step forward and get onto the road to recovery. It most likely won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight, but I feel relieved knowing I have people who love and support me, now that I’m in a better environment.

I just got my SSRI’s and I’m kinda nervous to take them so I was wondering if anyone has had a good or bad experience with them.

Hi, I'm new to this and it took me a long time to gather the courage to post, but I could really use some advice. This will be a long post because I don't know how not to overexplain, please bear with me. I'm yet to be diagnosed with anything, so I'm not sure if this is one of the ways OCD can present itself, but I'm really hoping it's just soocd and nothing else. I'm 22F, cis and straight all my life as far as I know, but back in April, in a particularly exhausting day, I had an intrusive thought about liking women after seeing some random post on twitter and I've been spiraling ever since, with thoughts and anxiety non-stop trying to figure out an answer. I've noticed that my thoughts have been obsessing over this in a loop, where I question if I'm a lesbian or bi (I really really don't want to be, though I have nothing against the lgbt community) > question if I'm aro/ace (also really don't want to be, I'd be super depressed if I were because that would stop me from living the life I've always dreamed of) > question if I'm simply afraid of getting in a relationship and why. It's this loop where I can't figure anything out, my brain feels like it's in the middle of a storm. Looking back, I think I might have had rocd in my last relationship because I kept messaging my boyfriend asking for reassurance if he loved me and wouldn't leave me, but the reassurance only lasted at best a day before the doubts came back and I felt the need to ask again, and this lasted for months if not years. Now I've never questioned my orientation, I just knew I was straight (always crushed on boys, craved their attention and love, male celebrities, male characters, always fantasized about having a husband and kids, never felt anything towards women that way, never considered them as partners) until this one intrusive thought caused me to spiral out of control and I've never been the same since. This in and of itself should be enough to prove to my brain that I'm straight and have always been, right? Logically it should, it makes no sense otherwise... But it's not enough, so I've been googling non-stop, been reading so many posts here that I relate to for reassurance, been reviewing my memories, ruminating all day and night, testing myself by looking at pictures of men and women to check for reactions (when I'm not avoiding looking at them altogether). Even when I feel that my mind is quieter, the anxiety is still there, and I keep trying to affirm what I've always believed to see if I still agree and it's like my body preemptively gets anxious expecting the thoughts to return and then uses that anxiety as evidence that the thoughts are true when I really don't want them to be... I guess all of these count as compulsions? It's bad to the point anything lgbt-related triggers me now when it never did before (I was always like "good for them, but that's not for me" towards any kind of lgbt content, I've never identified with the community nor do I want to be part of it still), I can barely get anything done, get out of the house, spend time with my friends, listen to music or watch movies, focus on what I need to do, eat, sleep or even just enjoy my hobbies. The anxiety is always there, my mind feels like it'll explode and I feel like my life will be over if I don't figure this out now so I can fix it. I think I've also been experiencing false attractions and loss of attraction, which is making all of this worse, because my mind is trying to find out why they're happening and using them as evidence that I'm one thing or another... I never had any feelings towards women before this all started but I'm so scared I might have now all of a sudden when I don't want to. It's exhausting, I just want to be able to live normally again. The what ifs don't stop: what if I find out I'm actually what my fears say I am? What if I'm one of those late bloomer lesbians? What if I'm in denial? What if I'm just saying I've always wanted men due to comphet? What if I actually never find out and I'll be ruminating over this my entire life and won't be able to live? What if I'm lying to myself? What if I've always been that and never known? What if others find out I'm having these thoughts? What if it's not OCD and I'm making excuses and this is all true? What if it's always been a subconscious desire and I didn't know? What if I have sex with a man and don't like it actually? What if I'm aro/ace and that means I'll never be able to have a family one day? What if I have no choice? What if that one memory where you enjoyed time with a female friend means you're gay actually? What if I'm never able to love a man ever again despite having been able to in the past? The idea of being with a woman is absolutely terrifying to me, I'm not at all comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian or bi or anything, while the idea of being with a man only causes me some anxiety but feels more right. I've had very few experiences with relationships, most were unfortunately long distance, and I'm currently single so I can't even gauge my attraction or feelings that way, but I'm so tempted to seek a relationship because of this to prove I'm still straight... I also have GAD and might have depression, so that may be contributing to all of this... I just feel like my life is over, I can't live like this. I can't handle my mind constantly looking for proof that I'm lesbian or bi, using the fact that I enjoy my mom's hugs or my female friends' company to say "see?? I was right and you're lesbian!!" when I never once in my life ever thought of women that way, I don't understand why this is happening 😭😭 And to make it worse, it's also latching onto the past and using it as proof that I must have always been a lesbian without knowing and it's making me feel like I actually wanted it, when at the time I never thought of it that way. Like, me enjoying the company of one of my best friends or sharing a common interest with her doesn't mean I'm gay?? Caring about my friends isn't gay?? Being a girl who likes girly things doesn't make me gay?? But the thoughts are always like "no you're lying, you're just in denial, you actually felt xyz back then that's why you wanted her company" or "are you sure?". The thoughts also latch on the fact that I find incel, gooner and misogynistic behavior disgusting (which might be poisoning my opinion about men as well even though I don't want it to 😭), and they tell me I'm a lesbian because of it, which only makes me more depressed. But no matter how much I try to argue, it's never enough, the doubts are always there and it's making me have so many panic attacks they wake me up at night and don't let me rest. I'm so scared of accepting the thoughts because I fear that accepting them will make me actually a lesbian when I really don't want to be (and I keep claiming I don't want to be and my mind keeps throwing the "are you sure? you're not sure" around, it never ends 😭). It feels so real, I'm so scared. I'll add this as well because I feel is relevant, but these thoughts/spirals have also tried latching onto my religious beliefs (I have none, but they tried to convince me I did after I saw a post on social media) and onto my gender identity (they tried convincing me I wanted to be a trans man, when in fact I've always wanted to look more feminine, because I'm so thin I barely have boobs and it's always been a huge source of insecurity for me). These, however, haven't returned, unlike the spirals about my sexual orientation and mainly about being lesbian/bi. I think I may have had at best a week free from this obsession, and even when I'm distracted I feel like they're always somewhere near my mind just waiting to snatch it from me again. If I manage to calm down, my mind will also use that against me, saying stuff like "see, you're calm now, which means you've accepted you're a lesbian!!" and I get all depressed and anxious again and want to cry but can't because I'm so tired. I just don't want that to be true, I want my normal life back 😭 I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I can't calm down. My life has been a living hell ever since this started, I feel unable to live, I just want to go back to how I was before all of this started. Is this HOCD/SOOCD at all? Can anyone else relate to this? Please tell me I'm not alone on these experiences, that I'm not what these thoughts claim... My mind is so close to fully convincing me that I am what they say and it's making me so depressed and anxious 😭😭 and it feels so real, like I'm already what they say I am and I'm chasing something that's no longer there. I'm so scared. I don't want to accept any possibility, I don't want to explore or "figure it out", I just want to be secure with my straight orientation again as I've always been, but there seems to be so much evidence of the contrary and I can't live with that possibility. How could I become a lesbian in the span of a few months when I never wanted that?? 😭 I'm so depressed, I miss crushing on men and wanting a husband and kids, I'm tired of arguing with my mind non-stop. I feel like I've been so full of doubts that I can barely affirm my favorite color, I can't remember what's like to be free from this madness, it's like from one moment to another I lost myself amidst this chaos and no longer know the stuff I've always known about myself. How do I go back to how I was before? How do I stop this without changing to be something I don't want? How do I get rid of these doubts that aren't supposed to mean anything but are scaring the shit out of me because what if they're true and I'm one of those cases where I'll become the sexuality I fear? I cannot bear the thought. It's been nightmarish 😭😭

I am so deeply terrified of the possibility that I could be emotionally cheating on my partner. This obsession has dominated my psyche for 6 months now, and even though I have told my partner about my crush, told him about my fantasies, told him about my fear of emotional cheating, and done everything in my power to eliminate ANY sort of closeness with this person in a group setting (including keeping them at arm’s length, acting aloof, ignoring them, ensuring that I’m never alone with them, ensuring that I never initiate conversation with them EVER even in group settings, even obsessively monitoring how often I reply to other people in a group server), the guilt still doesn’t stop. I feel like i’m going crazy. I’m googling “emotional cheating definition” like every single day and trying to figure out if having a crush counts (even though my partner knows and says it’s okay).

Anyone else have repeated thoughts that play that are negative. Basically a back and forth of you telling yourself you don't want X to happen but having a thought that slips saying you do. Like being stressed out one day and saying "man I wish I were dead". But instead of letting it roll through your mind and thinking nothing of it, you obsess if you actually want that outcome for yourself and you are now scared you'd fatally harm yourself whenever you feel anxious or stressed even though you know you wouldn't. So now I repeatedly get I wanna die stuck in my head and I feel the compulsive need to say no I don't to combat the thoughts and it happens throughout the day and even when I wake up.

Hey everyone please help me I am suffering from religious ocd and it is so severe I am also suffering from death fear and this fear making my ocd worse I cannot explain which type of thoughts I am suffering I cannot sleep at night due to fear to go to hell. And this is making my days even more worse I started cry all day cannot do home chores due to fear irrational fears has been generated and my mind force me to say bad words about prestigious figures which I cannot imagine even then I start weeping and asking forgiveness to God and started to say I am not doing then feelings become more worse and all stuff become trigger I don't know i am doing it by self or not? Need help I cannot sleep even in day please save me.

i am nearly constantly extremely anxious and i don't want to live like this. my family and friends are so done dealing with me to the point that i feel that i'd be better off completely alone. every small twinge or pain in my body sends me into a panic, and if it's not that it's something else i manage to be worrying over. i'm fairly certain my stress has caused an ulcer to form. i try to sit with myself and not seek reassurance/check myself for issues but it is genuinely agonizing at times. most days i sleep 12-14 hours a day because it gets to a point that i cannot deal with it anymore and i take something to sleep. sometimes i do feel that i would be better off just not around so i wouldn't have to feel this any longer. i do a lot of unhealthy things to cope (drinking, smoking, and otc sleeping pills being the main culprits) and those habits end up hurting me in the long run and making me more anxious. i do have a counselor and she is great but i'm having a really hard time finding a medication provider under my insurance. i really really do want to get better because this is the most miserable i have ever been and i hate being like this and exhausting myself and the people around me. i've been told a big part of the healing process is to make yourself sit with your thoughts and deal with the uncertainty and fear as it comes, but it feels torturous to do that. sometimes reading through these posts does make me feel better knowing that i'm not alone but lately i have been unable to pull myself out of this frantic state. what are some healthier ways to cope/distract yourself that you guys find to be at least semi-effective? i am genuinely willing to try anything to make this terrible feeling go away

I am tired of talking with chat gbt for reasurance or to calm myself, im tired of searching reddit posts on r/rocd so i can read the comments to get an answer on how to get better, to post here 10 times a day so someone can say something that will calm me, all this things used to get me better a little, but now they dont and in still doing them, but in tired, i want this to stop, my thoughts are so persistent and it comes with bad negative feelings about my relationship, my boyfriend, i have so much fear in me its insane, i feel like i have changed and all the thoughts that once i knew they were fake they feel now that they are the reality that i dont accept. It breaks my heart to read stuff from people that say “when i am with him my thoughts goes away “ because mine doesn’t. I feel iritated, angry, disgusted for no reason at all, I see people saying that i care about my relationship and my boyfriend because i dont like these thoughts but, my therapist said to me “you can care about people and dont like them” or something like that, also when i told her “when these thoughts started i knew they were fake and i always said they are not real i dont want them” and she said something like “you can tell is snowing outside but its not true because its warm and sunny” My thoughts feel so real, i feel like im not like the others with rocd. Also this thing about choosing love and choosing your partner is bringing me into a spiarl because what if i dont want my partner? what if i only want to feel better and not to love him? What if all this time i though i felt live was just me pretending to feel love because i put high expectations on this relationship? what if i dont love him for who he is? what if i never loved him? i have a long list of what ifs. I cant go to therapy anymore due to more factors and also it was not beneficial for me at all. i just want peace. Im scared if getting better bc im scared that i will realise my thoughts are true. what if im i. denial? my thoughts scream at me affrirmations like “i dont love him” also being intimate is so hard. can somebody tell me some advice?

for women…. a couple of days ago i was having woman private pain when touching it and then now i’m having some stomach pain like i need to use the bathroom… but everytime i move in a position like bending down i get the pain like a sore pain or something “down there” i’m so scared i’ve been googling and i’m so scared if i have cancer or something that could lead to death… idk what to do i’m actually so scared if i have something that i don’t know about i thought i had a UTI a couple of months ago and i didn’t i was fine since i got tested for it…

Is it possible to have been living your life well and enjoying your days but have been physically hurting people without knowing? Like you are always aware of your actions right? I have this terrible feeling that I hurt one of my students and went through an entire week either blacking it out or not realizing. But it’s something I feel like you should realize. A disturbing dream seems to have triggered this.

when i stay alone at home, the thought immediately comes to my head that I can touch myself, don't I imagine those thoughts?! I'm a bit scared of this "idea", especially since I've had these types of tests before... can anyone help if they've had a similar experience? what worries me is that it is my wish, i.e. that I can do it, and not ocd...

I haven't had anxiety for 1 week, I haven't had so many thoughts, but when it comes to sexuality I feel discomfort and I feel like something is pressing on my chest, it's very disturbing, and I still have attraction (false I hope), I wasn't diagnosed with hocd but I had all the symptoms, (now I don't have anxiety anymore, except when a feeling that I'm gay appears), I no longer felt that strong need to watch videos on yt or look for things that would make me feel comfortable, so somehow I managed to keep this under control, but I don't know if it's recovery or if I'm just lying to myself that I'm not gay. If anyone has any ideas, I hope they write something here

Does anyone else here daydream maladaptively? Well, I do a lot and my OCD has latched onto that as “proof” that my fear is real due to do contents of my daydreams. To preface I’m 14 and most of my daydreams consist of boys that I like so like 85% of my day is just me daydreaming about these boys in a fantasy world that I built in my head for them. The thing is I have ADHD and I’m super hyperactive and I require a lot of movement to engage in my daydreams (and with engaging in anything in general tbh) so I’m always just randomly walking/running around the house daydreaming. Anyway sometimes I’ll make the same faces my character makes in the daydream and also do like hand movements they do. And I’ve been ruminating about this for months because I’m like “does that count as imagining myself as a boy?” due to the fact that most of the characters in my daydreaming world are male and I panic. I would never imagine myself as a boy in that sense because it makes me uncomfortable, like ever since I got this theme, whenever I walk by a mirror I get these intrusive images of the boy I like starring back at me in the mirror and I get super uncomfortable. It’s like a punch in the gut. I don’t want to look like those boys at all and I know that if I was one of them I would hate my appearance and hate looking in the mirror, no matter how attractive they are. Or when I’m doing something my OCD will imagine ME doing it as a boy like in first person and with the intent of me being a boy and that also really triggers me because that’s not what I want and it makes me real uncomfortable. What I DO want is to daydream about boys, but not about being a boy. But isn’t that what I’ve been doing this whole time without realizing? Like I’m so wrapped in my daydreams that when I’m doing anything I go “Hm I wonder what [my crush] would do in this situation” and imagine him doing it but in a completely different setting and with some changes to the activity added. That really scares me because I go “what if that means I’m a boy” and I get really distressed because I don’t wanna be a boy. I don’t view any of the boys on my daydream as me at all and like, I don’t daydream with the intent to be a boy because that’s the least of my desires, all I do is want to think about boys because boys are cute ofc and I like them. But I’m still really scared. Is my OCD possibly twisting things or am I in denial? :(

Just bombarded with the guilt of past mistakes. Not knowing the outcome of things makes it worse. Seeing things/signs that are associated with the real event I obsess about everyday. I see it in tv, you tube, songs and everything. It's so scary how it's everywhere

contamination ocd has really been messing with me the last couple of days. usually i only struggle when i can connect something to possibly throwing up, but this time it doesn’t matter. so earlier, i took a shower and i also use a wash cloth to wash my body. after i showered i cleaned up my dirty clothes and towels. then when i came back to grab my phone, there was a soap speck on my phone so without thinking i just wiped it on the back of my crewneck i was wearing. well that then spiraled into me thinking what if the soap was from my dirty wash cloth. i know most of you are probably thinking it’s clean since you use soap to clean ur body. well i clean every inch of my body, including my bottom so that’s where my anxiety is gravitating towards. this sounds so ridiculous saying it out loud, but i just have so much anxiety over it. i tried my hardest not to change but i did. at first i just changed my crewneck, but then i had to change my shorts cause my crewneck touches my shorts. but then i changed my shorts. and now i feel like my shirt is contaminated cause i was wearing it with my other shorts before changing. moral of the story, i just have so much anxiety over it and i feel like i shouldn’t because it’s really not a big deal. and i don’t want to change again because that seems ridiculous to me. plus now i’m connecting the contamination to my bed since i was laying on my bed before i changed. i hate life, this sucks.

Today I heard a girl say ' no, I know I have OCD because I need to have a clean car'. I asked ''what are you worried about happening if you don't have a clean car' and she told me 'nothing'. And she told me she has to organize her cutlery. She continued to be...well.... oblivious and it's almost like she sees it as a trend for social media. Like what even is that??!! It was so bad for me last year and After all the debilitation I have worked through, it's kind of somehow insulting when someone thinks it's trendy to have. Like why am I still mad about it. This was 12 hours ago and I'm still urked but I know people would get it if I wrote it here! I need absolutely no reassurance, I feel how I feel I'm just mad!

Need some advice please. I'm trying to fix my social anxiety, self esteem and confidence but ocd infests itself and makes me I had all these issues because I my ocd was true all along. For example, Im extremely uptight/awkward around people and have a fear of being judged, laughed at or seen through, fear of not being liked etc. One cause of this I read is it's because i suppressed my real self/feelings and pretended to put on a fake mask to be liked by others/fit in and now that im older that mask is breaking and causing me disconnect from my real self. My hocd inserts itself and makes me feel because I was gay all along without knowing it is why it happened. It genuinely feels like that's the case but then I feel dreaded and depressed because it feels so real I'm ready to accept that scenario. But back then I didnt think I could have been gay or anything. Im not sure how to handle this difficulty. Please any advice?

okay so i know that my boyfriend gets busy and i am usually checking my phone ALL THE TIME. like i am just that kind of person. but sometimes my boyfriend doesn’t reply to me for a bit and it makes me sad. he lags a lot, and it makes me mad when he doesn’t reply for a long time. we text and stuff but he doesn’t text me as much as he used to. and it stresses me out and i worry that it’s a red flag, or if it’s my OCD telling me to worry about it. i am the kind of person to say “actions speak louder than words “ and ive said that to him multiple times and he says he’s gonna work on things. it’s not like he doesn’t text me AT ALL, he texts me good morning everyday it’s just the lagging that makes me upset. so, is it my OCD telling me to worry about it or is it actually a concern?