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I’m on the train and was sitting in front of a little girl and I feel like her mom thinks I’m a p because my eyes keep looking

Recently I had a close friend emotionally dump on me and it drained me and negatively affected me for days. I would describe his behavior as an adult tantrum, he didn’t seem well and it scared me. We were going to a jazz bar with me and another friend and I was dressed up nice. He picked me up and was upset that I liked good. He insisted on going home to change, so we did that. He started getting really upset about how he hated shopping because he didn’t like how clothes fit his body because he’s overweight. He brings this up a lot. It’s really sad but he is deeply concerned about it. We went to the jazz bar. We all ordered something to snack on. He ordered a drink, I ordered a drink, our other friend ordered ice cream. He didn’t like his drink so he kept asking to sip my drink and he ordered the same ice cream as our other friend. Afterwards he drove me home and vented about his life and being gay and lds and how the church had done so much stuff to him. He was in major victim mode — and I want nothing to do with that. I tried to speak some sense into him but he wasn’t listening and was being really dramatic and mad. I took some space from him and honestly didn’t want to hang out with him for a while after that. He kept messaging me to hang out and I kept declining. Recently he messaged me to hang out again (it had been about a month since that hang out) wanted to hang out again. I responded and said that I didn’t really want to be social much these days because I was going into hibernation mode — I further explained how his negativity that night was not something I was seeking out. He seemed to respond in a way was angry, rude, and again rooted in victimhood. I’m sad that our friendship ended on such a terrible note, and I think he has so many awesome qualities. I worry that I did something wrong in how I ended the friendship because it was all over text 😅 but I do feel like that boundary needed to be set even though I handled it clumsily. To be honest I don’t really care about loosing him as a friend but I do care about doing the right thing. Then around the same time as this friendship was ending…I messaged another friend of mine (I work with her) to apologize for a venting session in which I had been especially petty. She took that as me bringing her into that pettiness and hasn’t really been initiating any communication between us. Again, this was all over text which wasn’t good and pretty clumsy. This makes me sad, I think she’s really cool and having friends at work was starting to be a fun thing. Then on Sunday, my roommate’s brother (me and my roomate are close and he’s like a little brother to me) was acting low-key racist towards some Ukrainian people at church. He was calling them russian and imitating their accents. That IRKED ME. Then my roommate asked if she can invite her friend on our Europe trip were planning for next year which kinda stung a little bit because I thought it would just be an us thing? And also I don’t know her friend at all so I’m a little worried that maybe the dynamic will be unknown. I feel a loss of control, like I may be the problem in a lot of this…and like I just want to be alone and not deal with a lot of this. And also I don’t want my relationship with my roomate to go down the drain like the other two relationships of like this past month.

I think I’m in another OCD episode but this time it feels so different even though when I read my old posts I’m describing the same thing somehow that doesn’t register in my brain and I feel like I haven’t ever felt this way before. Even the obsessions are the same but it feels like it’s more threatening because of this feeling that it’s different. When my obsessions take over it also feels like I’m almost in a trance or like I’m not really present, I’m just in a bubble of panic that I can’t control and I don’t feel like the same person I am when I’m not in an OCD episode. I know the way to actually get out of this is to accept all the feelings and continue doing things normally instead of giving in to the avoidance and compulsions and I’ve even successfully done it before but how am I supposed to ignore the sense of impending doom and the distressing thoughts that make me feel like I’m not in my body and the feeling that it’s different and it’s dangerous? Does anyone else feel these things and have tips on how to accept it? I don’t want to be sucked back in to how bad I know this can get, I want to try to get out of it sooner than previous times.

Can I be honest? Im kind of panicking rn. Im exhausted and scared of everything constantly. I haven’t left my house in the past 3 ish months because my ocd perceives everything as a threat. Especially everything outside of my place. Tomorrow is a big day. I’m gonna go out for the first time with an old friend. But I’m so scared. My ocd is already thinking of all the “what ifs” and my heart is racing. But I’m going to push through it because my ocd has taken experiences, time, and happiness from me. I’m just tired of it and I really gotta draw the line somewhere. And i feel like this is where. I really can’t let it take me away from people I care about and care about me. But it’s terrifying even though I know it’s irrational. It doesn’t make it any less scary. Honestly I just need some validation, words of wisdom, or just encouragement. No one in my life really gets what it’s like to have ocd. Idk if you feel called to comment I appreciate you. But if you don’t and you made it this far. Thanks for hearing me out 🫂

Tomorrow I'm going to a protest. It's my first protest ever, and I'm terrified! I was supposed to go with my Dad, but he forgot and made plans with someone else. I really want to be there, so even though I'm super anxious, I'm going to go alone. The last protest in my city had a big turn-out and was really peaceful, so I feel like I shouldn't be too anxious, but there's a possibility of aggressive counter protestors or ICE showing up (which I know might escalate things). And apparently, you aren't supposed to bring your phone to a protest, but I need to be able to communicate with my family since I'm being dropped off. I'm just panicking a bit, I guess. Sorry if I'm rambling. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone, and I want to show up for people who aren't able to. This is important to me, but I'm really scared and questioning whether or not I'll be safe going alone.

Hi guys I really struggle with compulsively googling or going through my text messages from years ago or going through my pictures to try to prove/ disprove things based around my obsessions (sure many can relate) . I am at the point where I feel like I need to just live without technology but we all know that’s lowkey impossible in this day and age. I am a student and currently hunting for full time jobs so maybe a flip would make things difficult idk. I am confused though, because if I do get a flip phone, would that be like avoidance over sitting with discomfort, or would it force me to sit with it like “welp I have no way of knowing” Also I know that you can still text and take pictures and all that sort of thing on a flip but I think it would help me with my compulsive googling or not going through my contacts if I start fresh with a flip. like on the one hand it would help with not being able to do a compulsion but on the other it’s like I feel like I wouldn’t be stopping the compulsion out of my own will power, I just straight up wouldn’t really be able to do the compulsion. This is all so confusing. Anyways - opinions?

Is there anyone that suffered/suffers from health ocd? A good example would be taking your blood pressure and heart rate obsessively and asking yourself if your ok? If so tell me and how you overcame it little by little I want to hear wins

My OCD is relatively tame compared to when it was at its worst, but the other night I found myself having one of, if not, the worst panic attack I ever had. I was completely hysterical one night, and couldn’t breathe too well due to the uncontrollable sobbing. My body was so tense from the anxiety and trying to withhold my rage for that prolonged period of time and my body was responding to it like some overly traumatic experience, as in, I felt like my blood was vibrating all throughout my body and I lost a lot of motor control due to uncontrollable shaking (couldn’t operate my phone efficiently to text or call for help) and my hands started involuntarily opening, all while not being able to catch my breath. It felt akin to where you’re doing extreme resistance training and your muscle memory moves your limbs on their own, but also uncontrollable shaking. Thankfully, this was an oh fuck moment and I eventually got myself to lock in. I attributed this to just be from tensing so much and anxiety induced, and sure enough I looked up my symptoms (these seem to be common with extreme panic attacks) so I’m not going to obsess with it and wonder if there’s something physical going on. I’m wondering if anyone else experienced something similar and how to thwart them off before it gets unmanageable? I found that subjecting your entire body to cold water (cold shower) literally shocks and as resets your system. I always knew that cold exposure was sworn by for muscle recovery, stress, mood, (every UFC fighter does this and it biologically activates your diving(?) reflex which slows your heart rate) but I never thought about doing it during a panic attack, it just never crossed my mind. This is a go to method for panic for me now (and then soothing with hot water after the few minutes of abrupt ice cold water) but I’d like some for when I’m in public, or some place where a shower isn’t available. Deep breathing has helped me in the past but I’m especially out of practice and i find it impossible when I’m unconsolably sad or mad. So yeah, if anyone has some healthy coping mechanisms, some for in panic and some to nip it in the bud. Hope the cold exposure helps for some people just be mindful of falling if you get into an ice cold shower because it kind of takes your legs out for a second 😭

It's Friday, and that means it's time for our weekly wins thread! What's one thing you're proud of this week? Let us know in the comments, no matter how big or small.

Every time I see a pretty girl I don’t want to admit to myself that she’s pretty because that will make me think I’m gay but I don’t want to be in a relationship with her but my brain is making me think that if a girl is pretty you’re gay. Does anyone else feel this way? Also kinda unrelated but some people say they liked the idea of a relationship with a man, but not the actual relationship. I used to be SO excited to get into a relationship with a man, i was obsessed (in a non ocd, excited, happy way!). I would see cute couple reels and be so excited because that will be me one day. I still want to have a relationship with a man not a woman, but now my brain is telling me I just like the idea, and I won’t like a relationship with a man even though deep down I have always wanted to have a relationship with a man. Im also feeling like I’m kinda losing attraction to men but I don’t want to and it feels like I’m gaining attraction (probably false) to women please help. I’m so scared it feels so real like I’m actually gay

Anybody struggle with wanting to at least be certain that you don’t know? Reality and laws and rules are pretty clear and therefore you are certain.. and yet my therapist insists that I still don’t know if my act is right or wrong.. god I hate this dam disorder

its been a week after my last post and i decided to make a new post in celebration of my birthday. For background, i actually was in therapy for 3 years and just finished it earlier this year. I was officially in remission when i stopped therapy, but i admitted i was really scared not having weekly session anymore. i felt like i have nothing to hold on to. the ocd slowly creeping back in after months and i struggled really bad, because i cant seem to stop doing compulsion. i felt so insecure and scared. my greatest fear of feeling this terrible feeling for the rest of my life didnt seem impossible at that point and i had no option other than to accept it. but after coming to this app, reading posts, and did some reflection, i thought, it doesnt hurt to try to do erp again by my own and apply the tools i learned through therapy. looking back, i realized i didnt do all the homework and yes i wasnt discipline at all. i think, i was still consumed by fear standing on the corner of my room, just looking at me, ready to pounce at me anytime. restarting feels so intimidating at first, i felt like a failure and honestly ashamed to spent time and money just to stay scared still. i did it anyway, starting from small stuffs like delaying compulsions, timing it, acknowledging feelings and not judging it, just let it wash over, moving through the thoughts, etc. it was just as difficult as the first time i started, i just wanted to scream my head out everytime i have intrusive thoughts, feelings, and urges 😅 i reread my notes from my past sessions and do the erp i used to do and i didnt get to (because as i said i didnt do all the homework 😭). the progress has been good i would say. im able to catch the moment im about to ruminate and not being too caught up in the string of thoughts. its still difficult to stay moving despite my intrusive thoughts, but i try my best! i started to have thoughts that are even more explicit and honestly i want to beat myself everytime it popped out, but no compulsion, so i have to just feel the uncomfortable feelings and not trying to do a whole analysis and write an essay in my head about my thoughts. not gonna lie, i still catch myself doing compulsion here and there, but i dont beat myself too much over it. just move on with my day despite how awful it made me feel. oh boy its a long post 😅 but im hoping to be more committed in trying to do better for myself. what im trying to remind myself is that this isnt going to be easy at all, i will have ups and downs, and its just what i have to deal with. its not gonna be upward trend everytime. thank you guys for making me feel less lonely in this journey. thank you for sharing your journey and motivating others. i regret not looking up this community earlier in my therapy, because another thing i really struggled with is the fact no one in my life understand what im going through. i dont blame them for it, ocd is difficult to understand to those who are not going through it. and i finally saw you guys here sharing about your struggles and your wins as well! sending you guys luck and blessings. have a nice day!

Just need to vent about a new thing my contamination theme is obsessing over, and maybe get advice if anyone has any. I had a major obsession for a couple months about fiber glass in mattresses (still have it but now I’m focused on something else). I was convinced my mattress had fiber glass in it because I was seeing sparkles on my bed frame, my mattress is old, and it has a tear. I finally checked the tag and it doesn’t say fiberglass in the materials. This has been my main obsession and I’ve been able to mostly ignore my other worries. Since checking the tag I haven’t been getting intrusive thoughts about the mattress but now my contamination ocd has moved on to a completely new thing almost instantly after checking. Literally this is now the only thing I can think about and it feels horrible. I accidentally spilled an alcoholic drink a while back in my room. I have carpeted floors. After spilling I set a towel on it to soak up the drink but to be honest I didn’t clean it that well, and I’ve never thought too deeply into spilling things because I never cared (never thought about anything bad that could happen from it, never occurred to me). I left my house for a couple months to stay somewhere else and when I came back I noticed the area I spilled the drink has a scent. I can’t tell if it’s just a scent from spilling a drink with alcohol or if it’s a problem. The first night sleeping at my house again (I spilled it next to my bed) I kept coughing. It’s been about a week and I’m still coughing. I’ve been researching mold like crazy, which I know is bad because I’m looking for reassurance, but I think there is a chance there is mold from the moisture of me not cleaning the drink properly. My carpet has discoloration but it’s not obvious, I can’t see if there’s mold or not. I bought vinegar and I’m going to clean it properly. But the problem is I can’t tell if my worries are realistic or not. My main intrusive thoughts are: - This happened next to an air vent, and I’m worried the air spread mold all over my room. I have a lot of possessions that are important to me and now I’m scared they’re contaminated. - I watched a video a while back where someone was looking around their house and there was mold on everything they owned. I’m worried that’s going to be me. - I’m worried that since I’ve been around where I think the mold is (literally right next to my bed) I have mold (not visible mold, I’m worrying about mold spores that I can’t see and them spreading to others) stuck to me/my clothes/my sheets/my phone. I’m getting a new kitten today and I’m scared to pet it because of the thought of mold on my hands. I don’t know if I should wash my hands/clean my phone before touching the cat. - I’m now thinking about all the times I spilled something in that room as a child, and didn’t clean it properly, and if there’s tons of mold I don’t know about. - I’m scared it has spread to other parts of my floor and now I’m tracking it to other parts of the house. I know mold doesn’t work this way but this is stuck in my head. I’ve been in this bedroom since I was a kid so at least 9 years. As a kid I didn’t care about this sort of thing so there’s been lots of messes over the years. I just want to move and get a fresh start. Living this way is so exhausting and I feel crazy writing this out lol. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is valid or not, and I’m scared to research further because I know it’s probably for reassurance but I genuinely don’t know how to deal with this or what’s normal. My ocd usually centers around other people, like I don’t care if I’m affected by the mold or if it harms me, I’m just worried about being contaminated and bringing it around others. I’ve been thinking about actually going to therapy but I have horrible social anxiety and can’t talk to people very well. It feels like a catch 22, that my social anxiety is preventing me from getting therapy that would help my social anxiety and ocd.

I know we are as close to God as we choose to be but it’s hard and I wish I was closer. I wish the Bible didn’t scare me and I wish I could just think clearly and differentiate between the Holy Spirit or my brain. How do we expect to spend eternity with God if we can’t even spend bare minimum time. I feel like I want blessings more than God but I want God cuz I know he’s the truth but then if he told me the truth I probs wouldn’t listen or think it’s the ocd

My HOCD has gotten so bad to the point where I can’t even vision myself being with my boyfriend or even a man in the future when before all this I could, I can’t vision anything with me or a man - it’s suddenly causing me anxiety, doubt and a feeling of it being wrong. I’m hurting in ways I can’t even describe. I was in one of the best relationships I genuinely felt so in love, I was the happiest i had been always wanted to be around my boyfriend. It’s gotten to the point where I even see the word boyfriend and it gives me anxiety. I really don’t know what has happened or a way past this even though I have got past it before but it’s never made me feel this type of way. I’m losing hope 💔

I recently found a job, though the salary is a bit low — around $40. The job itself is at a reception desk, where I register students’ names. At first, I refused because of the low pay and tried to negotiate with someone — he seemed understanding. But then I thought that maybe this job could actually help me mentally, especially with exposure and response prevention (ERP). I know the salary isn’t great, but I’ll get to be around people, which might help me heal faster. The manager also told me we could negotiate the salary later, which gives me some hope. Honestly, my family still supports me financially since I’m still young, so it’s not really about the money. My cousin told me that the salary is too low and that they might be taking advantage of me. But from a psychological point of view, I feel like this job could be very helpful. I even had this kind of situation listed on my exposure list — being around arrogant or intimidating students, interacting with people, and challenging my social fears. I think this job could help me build more confidence. What do you think? Please, I really need advice this time. I’m always the one giving support to others, but now I need it myself. Should I accept the job for $40 a month?

I remember when my baby’s pee pee got hard and I wiped him and could feel it when I wiped then I may have felt it after I put the diaper on out of curiosity? I can’t remember if I touched the diaper to see if I could feel it… or if I wiped it just so I could feel it (not in a bad way) more so curious. But tbh there is this part of me that is thinking I did have thoughts but kept doing what I was doing and now since I am having an ocd spiral it’s making me question everything. All I know is for certain my intentions are never to harm or hurt or ANYTHING. But I guess I want to know I’m not a bad mom.

Anyone else feel like just going over the education of and examples of ERP with their therapist is a trigger in itself? Just talking about getting to my level 10 triggers eventually sent me into a spiral and I didn’t expect to get so anxious and emotional before I even made my fear/response list

My religious OCD is having a field day with Christianity. I grew up Catholic, although we were the type of family who only really went to church on holidays. It was just a knowing of our belief in Jesus, and trying to live morally good lives. Knowing that Jesus died for our sins. Then my OCD latched onto the idea of “willful sinning”, knowing something is a sin but doing it anyway. I am not a saint. I swear, I engage in sexual activity, I tell white lies occasionally, drink alcohol occasionally…. Much less than the typical person. I know these things are sins according to the bible. I feel like I do decently well and am a decently good person. But my OCD has decided that because I don’t 100% align with the teachings of the bible, I must be going to Hell. The worst part is I don’t even entirely feel guilty, which makes me feel like I’m just truly evil and want these things. No amount of reassurance feels like enough, it feels like unless God told me directly himself that I’ll never be able to let this go. I’m getting frustrated with religion, and with myself. It feels like no answer is right. You would think the fear would drive me into being a perfect person, but its not, and what OCD deems as “perfect” feels impossible to attain. What am I supposed to do? How can you feel peace with God, while you’re also supposed to fear Him? I feel like I’m not good enough for Him, and never will be.

Hey guys I need your opinion. Yesterday I went to the hospital because I was having a lot of pain in lower stomach/back. My fiancé was at work and I had asked him to come, because I didn’t want to be alone at the hospital. He said he didn’t want to leave work ( didn’t ask his boss if he could go) and he didn’t think it was “appropriate” to leave since it wasn’t an emergency. Later on, they couldn’t find anything on my CT scan or blood work. So they eventually discharged me. I was hurt because he wasn’t there when I needed him because I felt like he was more worried about work. He even said himself he didn’t think it was appropriate to leave work because it wasn’t an emergency. He doesn’t understand why I’m upset, I told him I needed the support of him being there because I didn’t know what was wrong with me and needed support. Please let me know if I’m in the wrong? In the past he had a few hospital trips and I was always there for him. Left work a few times just to be there and support him :/