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Help! I need to tell my story. It is long but if you could hear me and help me somehow I would be very thankful and pray for you! I am 16 soon 17, experimenting medium-strong HOCDz I hope my story won’t take too long but I really need help from those who maybe experiment the same thing. During my childhood, my father was not always present for me emotionally. He cheated many times on my mother, I saw him screaming at her even being violent( i don’t want to get into details ) so it became a kind of dominant masculine power into my mind. I still remember liking this girl in kindergarten and after all the cheating stuff began. From that moment, when I was only 6-7 i started searching on internet photos of muscled men. I even used to girly things in my childhood (playing with dolls) as now i find it a scary proof which gives me a great deal of anxiety.As the time passed and I grew I started watching gay porn. The thing is that I always had these images being dominated and powerless which at that time didn’t me any questions. The thing is that I never imagined myself in an emotional way with a man-but never, even when I was 10 or 9 or whatever that sounded very bad. After masturbating I always felt bad and somewhere in my soul I always knew that something was wrong. I always but always dreamed of a family with a beautiful woman and kids even when I was masturbatig. I still remember praying to God telling that this isn’t me! In my secondary, I was bullied and called names. Highschool, I was 15 came and I met this guy who was evidently gay or bi or whatever (i can’t even write these words without getting anxiety) and somehow we started becoming friends, till i posed the question he is gay, i am .. i didn’t know so we talked till one night we were in the city and he almost kissed me (almost because at that moment I was so freaked out and grossed and I felt it was so wrong but at the same time I was hopeless being given that girls didn’t interest me at that time. However I turned it off and never went again on such a date. All this shit gay dating questioning lasted for 6-7 months which were the worst of my life. I got the worst anxiety ever thinking and beliving that that was the life for me - living in gross gay relationships (i am really sorry, i am not homophobic but for me it’s just horrifying). That period i frequented a psychiatrist where I didn’t talk about these problems and just gave me some pills for stress. After this period the big question came « woah man, then.. there must be something between you and girls ». I started a journey of self development. I meditated, I lifted weights I started getting fit as in the « black period » as I call it I was not only skinny but almost cadaveric. So things got better, my self esteem grew and grew. I strengthened my relationship with God as before I didn’t belive in.And from one to another, I started getting aroused by girls, I started having fantasies sexuals and emotionals. I kissed girls and the time always seem to stop during that. I had these crush on a girl I found as an angel when I looked at her I felt my stomach float. I was very happy. Men didn’t seem attractive to me no more and I started thinking normal, I made a lot of friends( dudes) playing basketball. I felt great. Winter came and another question comes ( Why? But why did I have all these gay thoughts? Why, when now they seem so ugly, horrible, dark. They must have meant something. What if they still exist. What if I am denying and I am secretly hiding myself. And so the story of my HOCD begins. I obsess almost 24/7 and fearing that I am secretly bisexual. These thoughts make me crazy and depressed. I can’t even stay near a boy and not be afraid: what if? What if? What if I get a groinal response. What if the old times came back. The thought of a man touching me sensually makes me sick and at the same time I am focusing on my groinal to see if something happens. I just can’t imagine myself with a man but the HOCD IS THERE WHISPERING SOME BULLSHIT IN MY EAR. Since I identified all of my symptoms with HOCD i got also pocd and existential ocd but those stopped. But this, this keeps playing with me. Please, if you read all of these, I really need help the thought of any encounter with man starts making me crazy. I started watching too much porn I think I am begging to be addicted to reasure myself... I know deep in my soul I am straight i know but all my past experience amplifies my HOCD. Even the thought of being bi scares me. Help!

I recovered from Pure O (Harm OCD and HOCD), ask me anything! Disclaimer: I’m obviously not a professional! I just want to maybe offer some advice based on my own personal experiences and hopefully help and answer some questions people have

Ocd makes me feel so lonely. I crave for intimacy and being understood and cared for so much but it's like I'll never have any of these. I just overthink over stuff that makes me feel like crap, and I can't get them out of my mind. I'm set to lead a miserable life, stuck with my broken mind. This is no way to live.

I don't feel too great and it's not a physical thing. I don't have anxiety that much anymore it's a bit rare. I do worry I'm not worrying alot tho. It's like in between accepting what I worry about is true, and not wanting to ever even come close to anything like it. It feels weird and I fight myself alot (or my mind) on what is authentically my thoughts and what isn't. I went online (you know, like how your not supposed too) and I found an article about people with ocd might feel like they have to do what they worry about To get over all this. I don't want to and never will, but I still worry if I'm in that state or if I will get to that conclusion. I'm tired all the time and I'm never in the mood to do the things I loved before. I wish I knew how rough it was gunna be before it hit me. I left a job because it's super stressful and I'm unemployed rn. So I've been at home all day for a little while. So I came to a conclusion, I'm gunna try more. Ima go out, Try to find a job, try to take more than one shower every few days and I'm going to try to enjoy art again.I've come pretty far and im not stopping now. Anybody feel the same. Could always use the tips.

Anyone else just spend as much time as possible sleeping because that's the only time when your brain isn't firing on all cylinders like it's about to explode. Fuck.

Deadass feel like i wont be able to fall in love again ever. Like i dont know what it is and as long as these thoughts stay with me i will be forever alone. The fact that that just depressing as hell and that i know what i will be missing makes me so done with life.

Question... I've been doing erp for a few months now. My obsessive thoughts don't swim in my head nearly as much anymore, which is wonderful. Here's my question: even thought the thoughts seem quieter, my anxious feelings still are there (chest tightness, butterflies in my stomach) Anyone else experience this? Are the same techniques used to combat "anxious feelings" as obsessive thoughts?

Every day i have new random thought of any kind it’s very random and it can came onetime and not came again It’s not repetitive or in a type or theme That’s make me feel that isn’t ocd

(tw for sexual content/POCD) I'm worried that I'm developing POCD but my situation is a little different than most and I'd really appreciate some feedback. When I was in my mind teens I was really into age-play with sex. I always played the younger role and had no desire to play the older role and was even turned off by the idea. Then when I met my boyfriend (at 20 and 21) I found out he happened to be into it too, only he liked to play the younger role also. I was initially not very open to it but eventually decided to try it for him. After a while I got more comfortable with it and began to actually like it and now I much prefer it over the other way. This is pretty much the norm for us now and while I'm very comfortable with him, the idea still makes me really uncomfortable because I feel like I'm secretly just a pedophile. However, never have I ever been attracted to an actual child and the thought is repulsing to me. But at the same time, with the age-play thing it's the whole idea of it that's sexually appealing to me, the "taboo-ness" of it. The scenes we play out are basically molestation. And the fact that that arouses me disgusts me, but all I can say is that it honestly, truly only arouses me in the context of two consenting adults role-playing, and the thought of me or anyone hurting an actual child is repulsive. I'm attracted to my boyfriend's adult body role-playing as a child but in no way am I attracted to an actual child's body. I know this in my heart but I'm still terrified I secretly am and that I'm a horrible person for doing this. I know this is really different than most people with POCD and some of you might actually think I am a horrible person for doing this. I've expressed this worry to my boyfriend and he understands but doesn't think I should worry because he knows it's just a kink and that neither of us are actually interested in children. It just torments me because if I'm not interested in children, why do I like this??? I dwell on this so much that I start convincing myself that I was abused as a child and repressed it and that's why I'm like this. I'm terrified by how much it arouses me. The only thing that gets me off is thinking really horrible disgusting thoughts, but I'm always only ever picturing my boyfriend. Has anyone else ever gone through this?? I'm worried that I'm developing POCD but I'm also worried that I'm actually just a pedophile which I know is literally what it is but this is different and I feel very isolated. I know there is a large community that does this sort of BDSM shit who aren't pedophiles and aren't worried about being pedophiles but what if I really am? I can't reiterate enough that I don't in any way, shape, or form desire to be with a child sexually, but if that's true, why do I have this disgusting fetish?? I have had debilitating OCD all my life but it's primarily been "just right" OCD. I'm just confused and I don't know what to do and would really appreciate hearing what you all think.

I got yelled at about my OCD today. I got up to wash my hands and it took a minute because obsessive hand washing is stupid. My grandmother asked what I was doing and I explained and my mom said that I don’t really need to wash my hands that much but I do it anyways. Whole point of the whole OCD thing. OBSESSIVE. Then we moved on to the topic of showers because I got a new speaker. I take 40-60 minute showers. My mom told me that I CAN shower in 10-15 minutes, but I’m not trying hard enough. She doesn’t understand that I’ve tried to take shorter showers or not wash my hands as much but then I get thrown into a panic because what if I get sick and die because I didn’t kill all of the germs. I just wish I had friends with OCD that live in my area. Wishful thinking. Anyways, the inevitable panic attack happened about 2 hours into my morning. How was your Christmas? Mine was just peachy.

Can anybody tell me of their experience when you sought help for OCD? I'm going to seek for help next January and I'm pretty nervous. Also, does the doctor have to be an OCD specialist a 100%? And was the treatment very expensive? Finding an appropriate doctor is going to be pretty hard for me since I live in the Philippines.

Is it normal to not miss your partner? Or should I always want them around? I’m home for a few days seeing my parents and I have anxiety about not missing my boyfriend. I of course compulsed and FaceTimed him to test myself but all I felt was anxiety and OCD over his appearance. I just think I should be attracted to him always, and I’m not. I can’t tell if this is just a normal couples thing, or I’m having bad ROCD. Help!

I saw a couple of post about porn addiction on here and I want to talk about it. Personally I stopped watching porn it makes us men objectify women and look at them as sexual objects. What I also found out is that quitting porn was a major factor which helped me with my hocd. I didn’t really worry about hocd, I’m not saying I overcame it, it was still there but it wasn’t as bad. But then I made a big mistake I decided to masturbate and look at porn. Now I’m panicking again having anxiety.

Do we actually have people who are recovering or have recovered on here? We need positive messages this Christmas

Alrighty if we do erp with an ocd therapist but ocd is caused by trama shouldnt we see a regular therapist to recover from trama?

Please someone talk to me I need someone to talk to about this

Anyone else's heads feel so overfilled and chaotic, and just get flooded with thoughts?? About the past, the future, all the possibilities, and all the trivial crap. It's too much, I often wind up paralyzed in bed obsessing. And in fear of missing out of life, I end up missing out on life. If so, what do you all do?

I’m scared I masterbated to one of my friends photos but I can’t really remember

Am I the only person who feels as tho OCD is like one of the topics you don’t speak of like when your around people who genuinely do not understand or suffer with OCD you can’t mention it.I also suffer with anxiety and although when people are around me enough they can notice behaviour I feel as tho I’d be highly judged for it.Like I shouldn’t feel the way I do because it makes me seem insane to people who can not understand it.No one around me ever truly understands its.

I’m having an existential obsession crisis right now. I’m in the bathroom at work freaking out. My head hurts and I feel crazy :( even tho I’m not hearing or seeing things. It’s been like this on and off all day.