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the NOCD Community

Genuinely think I might have undiagnosed BPD I just don’t want that label because it sounds FUCKIN insane “Personality disorder” haha nope I don’t wanna be abandoned as it is, the label would ironically leave me vulnerable to people leaving for having no personality yknow, unless it’s considered a fucking DISORDER

Man I’ve had a tough 8 months, I have HOCD and it’s been hell literally hell. I feel like I want to be straight and that I’ve been playing a character my whole life (15. Years old). I’ve only and ever had sexual/romantic feelings for girls and I love it. But these pst days my desire for women and to have a gf/wife is like mehhh. I was so happy before all this and I just don’t know if I’ve been in deep denial and that I’ve been playing a character (being straight) but not have had a single damn clue or sign that I was bi/gay before HOCD. Now it’s like it’s created a fake reality and it’s like rewrote me past. I feel like I’m not myself and that I won’t be the same. I also saw Aaron Hernandez and that he was gay and his dad thought he was homophobic and stuff, he looks straight as hell. I just I just don’t know anymore. Fuck my life man like what the fuck all my morals and my true self I thought has been like removed. So sad for me

Why does life sometimes not seem real? Like I’m in a dream or something? Like I was thinking if I were arrested it wouldn’t matter cause life isn’t real. I know it is but it just feels like that. Is this me going crazy or??

Lost my relationship, and now I feel like I’m walling off into a hard shell. I’ve cried a lot, been depressed, and not saying much, and I guess I feel since I live with other people that I have to be ‘stable’ by now. But it hasn’t even been a month yet. How do I stop this hardening?

Four years ago I started dating my bf when we were sophomores in high school. I am now a sophomore in college. My bf has some issues and would randomly start ignoring me but as he got closer to me, he stopped isolating himself. In the beginning of our relationship we engaged in some sexual activity and sexting. I was not used to it at all having never had a bf or been exposed to anything sexual before. A couple times we did sex acts in bathrooms or in my house. These events were not forced but I really felt pressured to do them. When my parents found my phone full of dirty talk it was extremely embarrassing. So the reason I give this background information is that I think it affected me sexually. I am still with the same boyfriend and we have grown very close. He always tries to make me comfortable and feels horrible that I have been deeply affected by the texts and bathroom incidents. Now I tend to avoid sex as much as I can and have a low sex drive. Earlier in the relationship I also noticed kissing started to feel different and I don’t know if that’s because ocd was making me overthink but to this day I always think should kissing feel like this. Anyway so I value this relationship so much taut in high school I would feel very very guilty when I even looked at another guy. I would have to confess to my bf. Eventually I was able to break that constant cycle of looking at a guy or thinking about one and then guilt and confess. What came next though was the thought that maybe I like women. At first it didn’t bother me much but now it is much worse. If I look at a women I don’t always confess but feel like I am living a lie by being with my bf. What makes it worse is the evidence I use to reason that it’s true. In the last year or so I am obsessed with looking at how pretty girls are on ig wnd in real life. I feel like I notice them and their looks so much more now. Also the fact that I am not rlly into sex seems like evidence that maybe it’s because u like girls. My attraction for my bf has gone down a lot and it wasn’t always like that. The kissing is an example. It was great in the beginning and now I just feel like it’s a lie. I know reassurance is not allowed but can anyone relate. I feel like I’m secretly lesbian and I’m just comfortable with my bf and don’t want to let him go for that reason. But I love him and these thoughts are driving me insane. I also worry am I just blaming ocd and I actually shouldn’t be with him and that I’m gay.

Worked with Dr. Steven Phillipson and had the WORST experience. His clinicians are not properly trained or supervised. The clinician I worked with was a liar and manipulative. As a new clinician, I'm concerned about him working with other clients.

I convinced myself that this is not hocd but internalized homophobia

Anyone with autism or thinks they are or waiting for s disgnosis?

I went to the sexual health clinic and the nurse opened the swabs packages for me and I’m worried that because she touched the plastic ends of the swabs themselves I’m at risk of catching something by then inserting the swabs? I’m not sure how much of it she touched but now I’m paranoid incase the bit she did touch went inside me is this an ocd thought???

I fear that a word of phrase or song will endlessly repeat in my head. I know that this is kind of normal of sensorimotor ocd and I’m not alone... but I still don’t know what to DO about it. I don’t even have the word, phrase or lyrics right now, but I just worry they’ll come. It’s essentially just the fear of fear. I remember a couple weeks ago, I heard someone say the N word and I was so paranoid that it’d repeat in my head forever. Or even worse, I’d feel a never ending urge to scream it out. That scared me. It still does. My birthday is next week, and as silly as it sounds, I don’t want to be affected by this then :(

I apologised I always come on here with negativity... heres a change of pace, what helps you guys keep yourselves distracted? I like to play my switch, it's really helped me through life since my ocd became very prominent. LEGO worlds is an epic game I'd recommend the creativity is great for your brain and who doesnt like legos!

Does anyone else get sick to their stomach sometimes when they get intrusive thoughts? I'm at work and got caught in a thought loop and feel extremely sick.

When most people think of contamination ocd they tend to think of people cleaning but I’m the opposite... with a mix of that and depression my room gets incredibly bad. I hate cleaning so much so instead my brain says if I don’t touch the dirtiness I’ll be fine, so instead of cleaning it I’ll avoid it. Especially dust. I have a lot of stuff and I’m a collector of things. (I do have hoarding tendencies but also I’m trying to find ways where my collections can be put in ways where it isn’t hoarding) and for example my window has an ac unit in it, even in the winter. It gets dusty but my books and bed and plushies are all under it on the floor and I’m scared of dusting it simply because I don’t want dust falling on those things... so it stays incredibly dusty more and more. I did just dust two of my toy shelves for the first time in a long time. I feel pretty good about it but my room is still a disgusti mess with trash everywhere and dirty clothes piling more and more where they won’t get clean unless I went to a laundromat and put them all in a GIANT washing machine. They just overflow and stay dirty and take up half of my room. And then my bathroom is also disgusting. I don’t take bubble baths anymore bc my bathtub is grimy and dirty and I haven’t had the motivation to clean it and I always feel dirty after cleaning even if I wash my hands. Also my mom has Alzheimer’s and she spits everywhere in the bathroom. On the floor, on the sink, on the toilet... i tend to just get scared and tired and not bother with it (except the toilet I wash that every time I use the bathroom now whether it approves my inspection or not) but with the sink... I tend to suck my stomach in to wash my hands so I don’t touch the sink... I feel like no matter how much I try cleaning anyways the dirtiness will never go away because I spent so long avoiding it instead. Think I’m gross I don’t care. I know I have serious issues with these. It sucks. I don’t wanna live like this either and I get so overwhelmed I shut down instead.

Anyone who says “accept the uncertainty and move on” is a massive hypocrite

Hi everyone. I have religious ocd and i am muslim and i pray 5 times a day. There is an ablution ritual where we wash parts of body in certain steps before prayer. I get doubts on purity, doubts on my ablution steps, doubts during prayer in each step. I also have tetribke intrusive thoughts where my mind curses god and anything related and it scared me and still does, especially since i hate hearing curses about god or even curses in general. All these things make me always spend so much time making sure i am clean...and make me repeat ablution and prayer. Most times i cannot even begin prayer because i doubt my intention, doubts if i even did a step, get terrible curses against god in my mind, and doubt every step. I try to ignore, especially the curses...but fail every time. I also know some things i do are not logical but still cannot help not doing compulsions like asking god for forgiveness and starting all over. I cant go to a therapist because i do not want to take medications and also do not have the money or means to commit to it. Also, not sure if they can help because it is very specific. Anyone with my type of ocd and muslim? Were you able to recover? How did you ignore and go on doing ablution and prayers? They have become extremely hard. Please be kind. I am in a very depressed and helpless state. Please dont tell me to do anything blasphemous or sacreligious. I love my religion and god and know this is a test. Thanks.

I'm not sure how to get my obsessions and compulsions to line up with ERP therapy. It's all really confusing & I'm in a lot of distress figuring out how to manage my OCD.

Im so tired of these compulsions to recheck everthing. I just want some piece of mind. I tell myselfeveryday that this is the day i will power through. But i fail. Then i OCD even more because its my punishment of not fighting it. Does this happen to anyone else?

Hello. I’m in this group for my 14 yr old daughter. Her strong signs started last summer. She prays non-stop, kisses crucifixes (we are Catholic) prayer comes in between her & her needed work around the house, her school work, and she’s not comfortable about her negative thoughts toward people/friends, constantly apologizes, & second guesses herself constantly. I’m exhausted. She is seeing a fully licensed counselor, but I’m becoming more & more convinced she needs medication, & ERP. Plus some. I’m reading ‘Brainlock’. It’s proving to be very informative. I keep feeling like it’s the tension & anger between my husband & me that made her this way. I’m so sad. Advice?

Is anyone else really triggered by “motivational” messages that say things like “trust your gut” or “follow your instincts”? ‘Cause it’s like well, my instincts tell me to do lots of irrational things I really shouldn’t do, so

I feel like I have OCD, and I wanna know if anyone else with OCD experiences these things too, and how they cope with them. .First of all, since I was about 8 I’ve been obsessed with keeping things even. Like if I used my right hand too much, I would have to switch to my left, so it doesn’t feel “left out” . For as long as I could remember, I’ve always pretended to be somebody else. I knew it wasn’t real, and I knew I was only 5 and was at school, but I’m my head I was 30 and was at work, but it was all I thought about, it was never just a game to me. I still do this now and I’m 15, it’s annoying because I can’t focus on real things. . One of the things that affects me most is that, I feel like someone is watching me, and affecting my decisions. It could be a family member, a teacher, or a celebrity I like. It was a routine, I would choose who it would be that day, they would sit down and watch what I do, and I felt like I couldn’t be myself, because they were going to judge me. Sometimes it’s fun because it’s like a celebrity knows me and cares about what I do, but it’s also annoying because I had to be on my best behaviour, even if I was just lounging. . And the most consuming thing by far is my rituals. The biggest one is the way my morning affects my day. I’m OBSESSED with the way my days go. I can’t have a bad days. So if something slightly bad happens to me In the morning,like maybe I step on my charger, I feel like my day is going to be horrible. And I spend so much time telling myself it’s going to be fine, just to give my self temporary relief. It’s so annoying because it’s all I ever think about, and it’s only on weekdays.