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my existential ocd gets very detailed...usually when I haven't been existentially obsessed I would be good at making up things about life and death to comfort me like if friends casually talked about death and like cremation vs burial stuff I would always joke about oh I'm going to get frozen so that way I don't have to die and people would laugh and it would comfort me that I could pretend death isn't going to happen to me and now my existential ocd is back but normally I could come up with jokes or something to delude myself and be like you don't know if you're going to die Elon Musk could find the pill for immortality tomorrow and you live on Mars you don't know what will happen but I just can't comfort myself in that way anymore or right now even as a dumb joke because my brain keeps saying death is real its inescapable and it will come for you and if I let the thoughts run off on their own then I even start to imagine the day i will die not like what will happen but I just visualize myself on my death bed old and gasping for air and realizing that this is the end life is over and like how did I get here in the first place why are we born into this world to love our family and friends so much just to be deleted. It's like you are in this movie and as one of the characters you don't know it's a movie you dont know there will be end credits at any point you are just playing out the story, but I feel like one of the characters who realized the end credits are coming and there is nothing I can do about it and therefore it's hard to watch anything lately where my mind doesnt say yeah that actor is dead, or that actor will die, and so will I, and even animated movies with death I am avoiding which I know I should stop doing and expose myself more. But it doesn't even have to be shows about death if I see a show about a family and people who love each other my brain is like yeah they will all be dead one day and forgotten... In the future this show will be one of trillions of tv shows from my time that no one will watch and me and my time on this earth will be a blip on a huge never ending universal existence. And usually it's at night when I am alone that I get the most scared and it's really hard to be mindful and present and tell myself you aren't there yet stop going there.

I’m so afraid of getting cancer. I’ve been to the doctor so many times for false alarms, it’s starting to cost so much money. I hate this subtype of OCD. I’m hyper-focused on small pains in my body and I always make them out to be much more than they are. Literally the past few days I had a pressure headache and I was convinced it was brain cancer. This is ridiculous. I don’t know where to begin with ERP for this type of OCD. My compulsion is going to the doctor and that’s becoming a very expensive compulsion... My other compulsion is googling my symptoms, which always freaks me out cause every symptom means “cancer” according to google.

I THINK I REMEMBERED I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH A MALE FUCK MY LIFE LITERALLY I- do not want to live.

Experiencing cannibalism ocd thoughts, it made my mouth water or salivate and my stomach a sensation of "hunger" but it is just OCD trying to scare me Does anyone else having these thoughts?

My OCD's proof that I'm just a het/bi in denial that currently nags me; 1. I wanted to touch a guy's hair once or twice (two different ones) because it looked cool even though I found out later that they were both wigs 2. I once found a man typically good looking that had the features I usually do not like seeing 3. (This one has been killing me for months despite the EPR) I remember that when I saw that guy, my mind went to the mode of testing which is to see my reaction to of me having sex with him and i feel like I sorta was okay with it even though I remember I didn't want to be or something? And I also remember texting a friend and told her that I was distressed that I find him attractive but I sort of enjoyed it which literally has never happened before, and I sort of wanted him which feels SO WRONG to say and I HATE IT but maybe it was attraction... even though I can't find the texts even though I'm sure I didnt delete them. 4. I actually thought to myself about kissing him as well and I felt like I sort of wanted it because I was so affection deprived but also a lesbian wouldn't kiss a guy even if she was dead affection deprived so...means I'm not gay 5. There are other female bisexuals who have stated that they're attracted to men that could never be with them and they hate that they're attracted to men and would hate everything about it, which means that even though I could absolutely under any circumstance be with a man doesn't erase the possibility that I could be bi which FEELS wrong and it's stupid and irrational if I ever did like that man and ugh... 6. I love the guy. I could never have a life with him. I could never actually have sex with him. I don't want to be attracted to men. I don't hate them. It just doesn't feel like me. I want to cry. He's still good looking to me. I still love him. But am I attracted????????? I have no idea. OCD says yes just admit you're one of those bisexual women who hate that they're into men and therefore identify as lesbians, intuition says maybe, mind says I don't want to be, and just...fuck my life.

(Intro) Hey guys just some questions. Im new to this app. I been dealing with HOCD the third month of lockdown. I had intrusive thoughts of losing my mind, back to back panic/anxiety attacks etc. Im 22 i never had this problem at all nor did i question my sexuality. At a young age before during and after puberty i always wanted women, sexually and emotionally attracted to women... so why all of sudden i been having intrusive thoughts at 22 during the pandemic like that? (My STORY) you can skip this... and go to questions Never did drugs during highschool until around late 21 to 22, is when I smoked weed and drank alcohol. Was never addicted but forsure with weed I always became analytical of everything. Extremely paranoid couldn't even handle it. There was a time I was high with my cousin and I was scared and paranoid that i really had to force control myself from screaming for help to my parents. My reality was absolutely distorted I really didn't know what the hell was goin on. I could not control my visions/thoughts. I probably smoked about 20 to 30 times total... never really had good experiences with it. I was always trying to "dig deep" with myself see what's wrong with me or what went wrong at that time didn't really have intrusive thoughts. It was a mess theres more details but the point of this is... my conclusion is that most likely weed made me more anxious and question a lot especially the last time I smoked with my best friend.. we always made gay jokes but more so he did. Everything I say something, my friend would turn it into a gay joke so it never bothered me at all but when I was high and he said something "you snitched on yourself" i really questioned... does my friend think im gay? Before this my friend and I had some problems like some elephant in the room( not related to intrusive thoughts or ocd) I always had a problem with his sarcasm and usually I take it personal and i told him many times but i felt like i wasnt heard so i stopped bringing it up... but I always pissed about that .So there is tension and I felt he knew that there is a problem in the air and it was probably all in my head because I know my friend is a real friend and I'm grateful for him.. but when I was high with him and he brought up 13 reasons why and how this character was gay the whole time and he said..." it's crazy to think who someone really is when no one is around" made me think that he indicating something about me. Then when I was high again and he made gay jokes and all of sudden he says, " you snitched on yourself" it really threw me off and obviously I was under influence I questioned myself rapidly. (Background of story) before this ^^^ That is my bestfriend, i never had any problems or any thoughts always been close always hanging out... we worked together, I noticed he pulled a lot of girls. I remember in highschool we both pulled a lot of girls together we were that dynamic duo. But after highschool it seemed one sided and all the girls were giving him attention and i felt inferior and ugly... even girls were like disrespecting me or talking to me like a joke some did like me but still. I became kinda jealous. My friend always reject my ideas or always correct me, or always seem like he's always right and I'm wrong. I respect him a lot and I learn a lot from him but damn do I have some value myself? He is sarcastic too. Anyways i have a girlfriend as well.. i was extremely jealous and absolutely it was probably ROCD but not like most people. I would always check to see if she's looking at guys or check her phone to see anything suspicious, argue about her past and always observing her for the wrong. This died down after years, we always argued and fought about the same thing over and over to the point where I just didn't care anymore. I love her but it was always upsetting whenever I had good news she was always pessimistic about it, which made me not say much to her, we definitely different... so around last year another girl came around she was 4 years older than me and I thought she was really cute she smokes a lot as well we ended up smoking. I became really high like never before and I felt massive amounts of guilt because I shouldn't be here with this girl because I have a girlfriend. Then I call my bestfriend to pick me up from her( i don't care if it was embarrassing I needed to get out) so he comes and I was high and it looked like he was flirting with this girl I like and I started to get jealous and I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING OUTLOUD and I had to shutup because I was high. This girl honestly I liked her but it was wrong because I'm already dating but at the same time I was scared I might lose her to my friend.. which is obviously stupid. That's where that tension came from between my friend and I. There are more details but man I started getting HOCD and ruminating and I told him about it but I regret it because he took it the wrong way and our friendship has changed. My questions? How do I know if I have ROCD? Checking to see if my girl looking at guys, laughing at other jokes, seeking reassurance, checking her phone always? Has anyone recovered from HOCD ? Why does it feel real but when clearly it isnt ?

had an episode a few hours ago & my boyfriend held my hand and told me it was going to be alright while i cried. a guilt washed over me after that - i appreciate the love he shows but i’m so sorry to him seeing all of this. would anyone have any advice for this kind of shame ? sending flowers to everyone tonight 🌻🌼🌸💐

I struggle with like knowing what’s ocd and what isn’t. Like I think I’m fighting my ocd and I’m doing a good job not giving in, but there are some things where I’m like is this ocd or is this just me not being ocd. Also it’s hard for me when I mess up bc I want to be perfect & everytime I mess up on my ocd, I feel like I’m backtracking & stuck like this. But I’m still doing a lot better it’s just hard bc I know it never fully goes away I just want to get rid of it. But I’m better managing it it’s just tough.

So I have no attraction to woman and I still get uncomfy false attractions. But hey my attraction to men is back ! I also get a ton of anxiety whenever I think about relationships with either. But that doesn't matter. All I care about is the fact that my attraction is back.

My ocd has been bothering me about suicide it’s not a compulsion to do so but it’s bothering me about the fact that what if i am and i’m just bothered by it and don’t want to admit it. Deep down though I know i’m not and that I don’t want to. I’m just bothered by my lack of knowledge in it and with the question that arises as to is it possible to be suicidal and not want to be...any thoughts?

Everytime I hear about someone's death there's all these rituals and prayers I have to make before being able to move on with what I'm doing and sometimes it takes FOREVER. So I really hate that my dad feels the need to inform me of every person's death, and my mom's boyfriend has to tell me about every tragedy that occurs. It makes it so much harder to contribute to socialization when my brain is telling me to drop everything and start praying

does anyone else get scared that they might have schitzofrenia symptoms like making yourself imagine your imagination is talking to you but you know your jus pretending and it’s really just your ocd trying to scare you

Was anyone else sheltered by helicopter parents growing up? How does this affect you as an adult and your OCD? I was so sheltered and naive and then I went away to Penn State for my undergrad (one of the biggest party schools). From 18-25 (I’m 27 now) I learned things the hard way, got myself into loads of trouble, and dealt with some substance abuse and now afterwards I have more mental health problems because the real world is not what I thought it was. It’s a horrible place and I don’t know how to take care of myself. My real event OCD themes are things I would’ve never imaged having at 18 years old. The aftermath of trying to rebel and be my own person had its consequences.

I have a question that is out of context ( it’s not about ocd) for the women. Yesterday I forgot my birth control pill and today I’m totally irritated. Every time I get a text I’m numb and when my family talk to me it makes me angry. Is it a side effect of a forgotten birth control pill?

I'm really struggling with understanding how ERP works. It seems that many therapists & providers use it differently, so it's really hard to know what I'm supposed to be doing to get better.

I am currently unemployed, living with my parents and sister again as an adult and my father was abusive and volatile growing up. My sister took a bunch of pills two years ago and was admitted to a hospital for a while. She lived with me for a year, then lived abroad for a year and now we are both back with our parents. I don't think I ever fully recovered from her suicide attempt or from my childhood. I always felt it was my role to be the peace maker and keep the family together even though I am the youngest one in the family and that was a false responsibility I gave myself. My mom has compulsions and my dad is a hoarder so I think my heightened sense of responsibility and genetics could be factors with my ocd. I first showed signs of ocd when I was younger but didn't know that was what it was. I have used smoking weed as a form of stress relief however I never thought of it as self medicating because I would go several months without smoking and then when I was stressed I would smoke on and off for a month or so. I always thought that was due to external factors in my life and never habit forming or addictive. I never even started smoking weed until I was 22 and I am now in my late 20s. When having a stressful time the other week I started smoking again and the next morning it's like it set off this huge panic attack inside of me. All of my ptsd and fears/ obsessions came up to the surface like when you have food poisoning and your body is trying to expell toxins from your body. My death ocd, sexual thoughts ocd, and real ocd and then ptsd have been swirling around in my head nonstop since. Eventually my mom took me to patient first to get something to help me get through the day. They prescribed me attarax and I am taking 2-4 a day as need be since Monday. I also immediately started listening to the ocd stories podcast after googling intrusive thoughts and realized what was going on with me in terms of my fears and obsessions being heightened. My ocd has always bubbled under the surface but I've never had panic attacks and depression like this before. That's when I decided to try NOCD. I am still waiting to have my first session and I am trying to do things every day to give me hope and I am looking forward to my appointment. I feel like this house and my family are a big trigger for me, but I feel stuck and scared especially during covid-19 on how to get out of my situation. I guess I was hoping if anyone could provide me with some words of hope and encourangement in terms of the recovery process and battling multiple problems on top of ocd.

I’m currently in recovery and my compulsions have gone down significantly, I honestly can’t even think of times when I do them anymore! But I have this weird feeling with myself that if I’m having a good day I’m doing something wrong. It’s so weird it’s like I’m aware that I’m constantly practicing response prevention, doing all the of things I can to help myself recover, but I’m almost suspicious when I have less thoughts or I go about my day not even worried about my thoughts. Does anyone else feel this way? 😭

I hope everyone is doing good What do u guys do when ur lonely and have no one to keep u company?

Hey guys, I need some advice on ERP and contamination/covid fears. My current therapist is working on some other items with me first as she feels I'm doing well enough guiding my own ERP. I have been doing well and made some good steps but I cant think of other ERP's to do that arent REALLY scary for me. It's like in leveling up and cant bring myself to do the next level without compulsions. The next level would include touching things in my fridge without washing my hands and going for a walk without taking a shower. Both seem SO risky to me. The fridge because the covid virus likes cold temperatures and lives longer so I HAVE to wash my hands. The walls because as cars go by with their windows open, I feel like a car could have a covid patient in it and I'd breathe it in in a larger amount (cabin full of virus). I hold my breath when cars go by and come home and take a shower and change my clothes. Both of these issues were not prevalent maybe.....three months ago? I could go for walks on my work lunch and be fine. I could touch things in my fridge without concern (freezer is a different story for the same reason). How do I push myself to do something that is, according to experts, safe but truly will send me into huge spirals? Do I need to work on my current ERP's more? Maybe I do. My last set was to touch room temperature things and not wash my hands. But I still do like back of my hand touching or certain fingers for certain things. I leave so many doors open to not touch their handles. Do I dive further into my current ones before I tackle the next level?

I still havent had my first therapy session but I have been writing down my fears and triggers and at first that felt good because I was finally organizing the chaos in my brain, but I am still having episodes usually before I go to sleep and when I wake up my thoughts race the most. My obsessions have had many themes one of the themes that scares me the most is existential. I have kind of suffered with that theme since I was little, I just didn't know what it was. Before bed in middle school I had these rituals of I had to say good night and i love you multiple times and I had to be the last one to say it to my family in case when I woke up they died that way I could fall asleep knowing that I was the last one to say I love you and I would have no "regrets". Now that I have moved back home for the second time (once at 23) and now again at the age of 28 all of those fears and other obsessions have come flooding back into my head with an intensity I haven't ever experienced before or at least since I was a tween/teen. I guess for me lately just being alone with my thoughts in the morning and night is a big trigger. I start to wonder about what I will do the day I die what that experience will be like and how I won't be able to handle it and that when I cry out for my mom to make death stop that I will just have to allow it to happen to me to wash over me and accept it without anyone by my side to help me through it. If this thought gets intense enough my heart beats loudly, my head feels like its pounding, and I start crying and even shaking sometimes. Because of my magical thinking I am too scared to even write down some of my other thoughts and fears because I feel like that will make them more true but also because of shame. If the episodes get really bad I start crying and shaking and I run to my mom for reassurance, or I try to suppress the thoughts by listening to a video of someone saying it is going to be okay. So yeah I guess avoidance and reassurance have been my biggest compulsions in my life with a bit of magical thinking (knocking on wood, praying, saying words in my head to self sooth, deep breathing, or even trying to physically shake off the feeling or thought if it has been bad enough, wishing on 11:11 for good luck and a better future, or saying oh god out loud or repeating to myself "I can't" as a signal to my brain that I can't do this right now brain please stop). I was wondering if anyone else experiences intrusive thoughts with very little physical triggers and more just intrusive thoughts that you feel you have to fight at random, but especially when alone like at night and early in the morning. It's hard for me to know what to expose myself to, in order to help me with my existential themes about death because the thoughts happen on their own, and death is inevitable so I can't tell myself this fear is something I will never have to deal with in reality but I also don't see death everyday the triggers feel more like when my mind is trying to be still or forced to be still my OCD floods my brain with all my fears so I can't "just be". What have people found helps with existential and death obsessions? In terms of erp and cbt?