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Help me! I acted on a compulsion and now I feel like want to keep doing it. I’m scared. I had been doing okay for these past two days but idk. What should I do?

This is just a petty rant, but has anybody else had this experience where you tell someone you have OCD and their response is “Really? 🤨 YOU?” I’m a pretty disorganized person. Cleaning isn’t easy for me, I’m not good at prioritizing small details, and my physical presentation is acceptable but not excessively neat by any means. So sometimes when I’ve told people who know me that I have OCD, they almost don’t seem to believe me, because their image of someone with OCD is “clean freak (but only in a convenient and acceptable way).” Things like cleanliness and symmetry have never been themes of mine. I’m sure those who have it can attest to the fact that those types of themes are very much not pretty up close, but the popular concept of OCD seems to encompass only that theme and only in “cute” ways. Like when people go “I’m so OCD haha I have to keep my car super clean!” And it’s just so frustrating, because it feels like people think you’re making it up if you don’t have whatever they’re looking for from your mental illness. It feels like they look at me and my messy spaces and go “If you had OCD, you would be more organized than this, so you probably don’t have it.” I developed religious OCD when I was seven. I mentally ‘erased’ sinful thoughts and raised my hand to get saved every Sunday because I was always afraid I didn’t mean it enough last time. I developed suicidal OCD at twelve. I hid pills from myself in the back of my dresser and refused to be home alone and laid on my floor for hours completely still because if I didn’t move I couldn’t hurt myself. I developed POCD at seventeen. I looked away from every commercial with a child in it, monitored every sensation in my body, hid in bathrooms during family gatherings because I thought I might be dangerous in a way I didn’t even know I was. I developed home invasion OCD at nineteen. I checked every lock day and night, kept a knife under my pillow, slept on the bathroom floor because I was sure if I opened the door someone would be on the other side waiting to hurt me. I developed existential OCD at twenty one. It’s been two years. I’m not a Christian anymore. I don’t want to be. I’ve found something different that makes me happier. I wonder every day if I’m demon possessed. I look for answers and find that everyone says they have them but nobody can prove it. I sit alone in my bedroom and beg for mercy from a god I don’t believe in, just in case. I almost want to die sometimes, but I can’t, because if I die I’ll get my answers, but if I’m wrong about what I believe I’ll fast track myself to eternal suffering. I look at my loved ones and their spectrum of beliefs with suspicion. Who of them is manipulating me? Who is being puppeteered by something evil? Who is just…wrong? If I could trust myself, I would, but I can’t. This is what OCD is for me. For a lot of us. This mental illness doesn’t exist to make our cars prettier for people without it to look at.

Hi, sort of a vent, idk. This year i had a really bad time with my ocd and autism. I had a sudden and unexpected change that happened and it sent me into a spiral. I felt so out of control and that made my triggered certain things with my ocd so everything just started going downhill. A relationship i had that didn't last long cause i couldn't get my brain to calm down and then i lost 2 friends that I'd known for years. Even though i acknowledged that the friendships weren't great and they weren't the right people for me, i still found it really hard to come to terms with and i keot overthinking and going over every single detail of what happened. It's just hard enough for me to make friends as it is and even though those people weren't really great for me it's still like, great now in back to being alone. Im waiting for my counselling to start (I've been on the waiting list for ages now) and i still have 3 friends i talk to but they have their own things going on, i don't feel comfortable bringing up what im going through because i know it is likely to trigger them or might bring them down in some way and honestly they've been through so much, i just want them to be happy and i don't want to put anything else on them. But then that leaves me feeling like i wanna cry as soon as I stop talking to them/hanging out, cause im carrying so much and I'm surrounded by family that just diminish what im going through and don't respect me. They help me with some things i can't lie and i still have a connection with them but im just over here wondering what exactly am i supposed to do? Theres always something going on and i know thats just life but this year, the way things have been getting on top of me i just constantly feel so tired and done with it all. Ive considered going in-patient but being a black person who is so often misunderstood, i don't know if i would feel safe in those places. Also i know I'd feel so uncomfortable because my need for things to be so clean and perfect and orderly is overwhelming enough when im in my own space or at my family's home let alone some random place I've never been. Idk im just tired of my brain and life right now. To think my day was going well as i was watching one of my favourite shows before i got a call telling me i needed to leave the house to do xyz last minute and I've just been feeling miserable and irritated since then. I can't go back to my show either cause i would start associating everything with something negative and overthinking again. It would be amazing to just be a vegetable rn.

I am often so mean to myself I am trying to be just a smidge kinder and not so angry and mean to myself , I am struggling through a lot of depression and ocd and anxiety I would love some sweet words of encouragement to do the hard things , even little by little if anyone has any tips for lethargy I appreciate you I love u to whomever is reading this and you matter ❤️

Hey no need for reassurance( please ) just wondering if anyone feels the same or just that I’m not alone. Please be kind It was really hard to write this thank u <3 Ive been struggling with severe severe depression and ocd and frequent panic attacks and the what ifs , I’ve had trouble recently being kind to myself because I just feel so weak when I have panic attacks and vulnerable I feel like I’m a failure somehow if that makes sense , it’s just so hard sometimes I’m really hard on myself often and I just don’t know what to do I have been feeling an increase in anxiety maybe because I’ve been struggling to let things go from the past and I am struggling a lot with anticipatory anxiety with ocd, I just hope someone has some words of compassion ( : I would really appreciate it thank u kind soul 🫂❤️

This started happening to me in 2022 and it's gotten okay but it's still bothering me a lot. I to do erp when I get the thoughts but it really just feels like confirmation. Here's the thing the idea ALONE that I could be anything other than straight even if it is as tiny as .001% makes me feel awful because I know that the idea of being with another woman is just not for me. But the thoughts and goinals keep coming and I'm at a loss. It's just know that being with my man feels right but these thoughts are starting to affect that. I just feel so lost.

I have 3 questions: 1. How do I stop ruminating over a workplace incident? 2. How do I remember all that what was said during the incident, to ensure I won't be painted as an angry emotional woman, without having to ask another co worker what happened? 3. How do I think before I act? I was thinking of writing a note on my desk saying "5 4 3 2 1 before reacting". So I can fully be present anytime I speak. I wish our lives were recorded so we could play it back to therapists... Anyway all I remember is I was working & the co workers in the next cubicles were chatting away about the women they were attracted to in the office (they're married men). Anyway, someone came to ask our section for assistance I asked that they help him out cause I'm really busy. The one co worker started complaining, so in order to prevent problems & a dispute, I just helped the guy. But I don't know if I said anything more? Possibly & most likely ...but I can't recall. But now I'm ruminating cause the complaining co worker has started gossiping about the incident around work. It's being brought back to me & I'm confused cause I don't remember anything else.

I need some advice folks. Because I’m conflicted as hell and lost in this. Me and my dad went through something stupidly mean. He’s a complete narcissist, and is rly competent in insensitivity. He’s been emotionally draining ever since I was born and gaslights me frequently. He has severe issues, (especially anger issues), and he’s refuses to fix himself. He always seems to snap and go off at me at the smallest things and it’s caused me great despair in my mental health, and gives me loads of anxiety. Now take in hand what happened with us last week. As of now, I’m unemployed and have been looking for work. And it’s been hard bc the job market sucks. With my depression, I tend to have an awful sleep schedule. I either sleep too much in the morning and stay up all night. And I’m really insecure about this fact because I know that my help is needed around the house. My moms patient with me about it thankfully. My dad says nothing, but I know he’s irked about it.. it’s very hard for me to get out of bed and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like that at all. So I recently got a new game I love (which is weird because I hardly play games on a consul lately —— Gaslighting Scenario #1: Dad (sees me playing): I guess that playing a game will make you wake up early, huh? *laughs* Me: Umm? That’s really mean to say Dad: Raises voice: How is that mean? I’m not lying am I right? Me: Maybe stop raising you voice and I’ll tell you Dad : NO I WONT because you say crazy stuff like that. Me: All I’m saying is you sounded nit picky. Dad: That’s how YOU see it Not everyone has your brain Dad: Next time I won’t say anything. I’ll keep quiet —- I was heartbroken. I couldn’t even play my game after. I left the room and cried my eyes out to my my snitting and crying. I was completely triggered and disrespected. For him to dismiss me and call my crazy and act like I was in the wrong for being offended: completely vile. I didn’t talk to him for days and when I did finally talk, he didn’t have much to say. I wrote my parents a letter explaining myself about my mental health status lately, I also mentioned how my dad’s joke was insensitive in the letter. Gaslighting Scenario #2: Dad: hey I read your letter Idk what help writing that letter does for you but I’m glad you got it off you’re chest Me: is that all you have to say….? — And it was useless words of no value after that. And he still seemed irked with Me. I’m really pissed that after all that, he didn’t even attempt to say sorry. He read my email letter, and I explicitly mentioned how his joke offended me, but once again he brushes it off like it’s nothing. Just a few days ago he sneaked a hug from me even though I didn’t want to fucking touch him. this man is honestly been nothing but a plague on my happiness and an interference of my peace. I’m still hurt and wanting to be distant with him I feel like if I move on, I’m smoothing over how he hurt me with such an insensitive joke. After all that, should I really move on from this debacle? Or should I stay true to how he hurt me?

Im new to this community but i am relieved that I've found a place to openly talk about what I've been going through. Last year i felt like i was in a good place with my mental health and then i got an eviction notice and i went into a spiral. Since then ny depression is constant, i have so many random pains in my body and i /constantly/ have the urge to rip into my skin. I'm not sure when it started or how it got so severe but I've had to move in with family to avoid being alone at home and hurting myself. It got to the point where i wanted to cut into my wrists and not just little cuts but deeply and the urge comes on almost every second of the day; i have to scratch them excessively just to feel the slightest relief. I feel so uncomfortable in my body, it's triggered by my dysphoria, my fear of contamination, and now it's just the automatic response to when i feel the slightest but uncomfortable or anxious. It would be interesting to know if anyone else experiences something similar and how they cope? Have you told anyone you cam trust?

Hi yall just wanted to get more information as I’ve always wrote it off as something else before but I always figured you have to be in a relationship to know if you have rocd and if I think about my two brief relationships in the past ( long ago) it kinda of jives with it but is it still rocd if you get extreme anxiety and are super picky and second guess your attraction to the person in the initial talking/dating phase? Like I want to pursue a relationship so I’ll get n apps and start the swiping get overwhelmed with doubt and anxiety over f I want this then I get over that hurdle and then let’s say I really was into a guys profile but now he messages me and my full on panic button is hit, I question everything, why did I even liek him is he even that cute ? Omg what if I’m doing this wrong what if I’m broken or secretly gay ( I know I have so-ocd) omg is this gonna change my life in a way that I can’t handle? I don’t wanna lose myself in another relationship, what if they think I’m fat ugly or a freak cause I can’t get through talking or meeting a new person without spiraling ? And honestly I’m not even fully aware of what goes through my head it’s just so instant and intense and overwhelming and in the past I would just panic and stop dating all together and the last several yrs it’s been a struggle for me not to completely abandon it. I do get frustrated with myself and beat myself up at my glacial progress I’ve gone on maybe 2 attempted dates ( one kept cancelling and one just didn’t show up ) I’ve gone one successful date where I was able to get through it and go and I felt so proud of myself but I don’t think I was really interested in the guy and just felt guilty so I told him I wasn’t interested. I’ve been in therapy for ocd and overcome my other subtypes this one is just hard af and I’m doing my work and my modules but it’s so exhausting. How do I get over not feeling safe exposing myself and being vulnerable with someone else even though it’s want I ultimately want ? Sigh p.s. I have a feeling a part of my extreme anxiety is my first bf assaulted me and then ditched me so I know that’s part of it but I’m also like but that was over ten yrs ago and the way I reacted was to just avoid dating all together! I felt like I couldn’t trust myself and now I know I can but I get overwhelmed with this feeling of worrying about being a fraud and leading someone on if I can’t go all into it or my anxiety gets in the way and I’m wishywashy and battling myself so I need to go slow but ugh I’m so frustrated !!! Does anyone who struggles with this have advice/tools they use to get through it? Thank you in advance

So I’ve been having a lot of mental obsessions recently and my OCD has mainly focused there instead of physically. It kinda just switched up which is odd and I’m not sure what that means. But it’s getting pretty bad. The ones I’ve noticed so far is ruminating and not being able to let things go. Whenever I get anxious about something I’ll go back and think about it over and over and my mind will keep bugging me about it until I can properly reassure myself. No matter what it is something will bug me and I’ll go on and on for hours thinking about it even just waking up from sleeping. I just recently opened up to my mom about something not exactly bad or crazy but just personal to me because it’s a more softer side of me, and now my mind keeps eating at me and bugging me that it’ll affect something or maybe I said the wrong thing. My mind is just now fixated on a certain part of what I said and keeps bugging me about it and it’s actually pretty stressful. I’ve never dealt with this amount of Pure OCD (I’m not diagnosed yet but that’s what it seems like from what I’ve researched), and it’s getting worse. Another part that is bugging me is not being able to let go of it, no matter how much I reassure myself my mind won’t let it go. I have to constantly get reassurance either from my partner or myself and sometimes that’s stressful because then I’m anxious that I’m being annoying or too much. I honestly have no idea what to do and it’s becoming a lot for me. Can anyone help?

I’m going to buy as many self help books on OCD, and really get a full understanding of this disorder & how I can help myself. I refuse to be a victim to my OCD & I refuse to give it up despite the fact the fact that I can’t afford therapy. I really dgaf what professionals say about not doing erp on your own. I’m not in the same position as other people who can just go to therapy without the worry of the costs and upkeep. Even on a payment plan it was still $90 a week. It’s just too expensive right now in this time in my life especially while trying to move. I know my lord and savior & knowledge and self help videos and the faith the size of a mustard seed will get me through this.

Hello everyone. I recently discovered that I am bisexual and I've had a lot on my mind lately. One of my biggest worries would be if my parents found out. I come from a Christian household. Growing up Christian, I've never really discussed my sexuality until recently with my best friend who is also bi, as well as my therapist. I do at some point want to have that conversation but I need to get over the fear to an extent. Any tips?

Hello! I am pretty early in my journey with receiving treatment for OCD, although it seems I’ve had it my whole life. I would love to hear any inspirational stories from people who have seen improvements from treatment! I am feeling good about ERP so far but I could use some inspiration as I embark on the harder parts :)

I'm having a hard day with my OCD, which is weird because I was doing alright this morning. a new theme hit me. I realized I have my mom's habit of reacting with annoyance when asked for or about things. My brother asked me to stay in the kitchen with him while he made food (I have to watch him use the stove so he doesn't hurt himself and I usually babysit since my parents work). I got annoyed and told him fine and just to give me a second because I was laying down and I was really tired. I feel bad, I tend to do this sometimes. I don't even mean it, it just happens, especially because of my mental health making me exhausted and anxious all the time. I don't know what effect this could have on my brothers and I don't want them to grow up traumatized or something because of me. Especially because I think my mom doing it to me growing up might be why I'm so afraid to tell her things without feeling like a burden. I'm hating myself hard today. I feel like I deserve the bad mental health I have and that my brothers will grow up hating me. I'm struggling to focus on anything else.

Hey so I’m currently in high school and I graduate soon, but I’ve been struggling with symptoms of OCD maybe since early high school or my late middle school years. They’ve definitely gotten worse in my early high school years and I’ve caught onto them and talked to a family member about it, they said I could possibly have OCD. I pondered on it for a while and talked to my parents. They both laughed about it with each other and my father claimed my “mother had it and not me because I don’t do what she does” because she always needs things straight and in order. Ever since then I never bothered again to open up about it and kept it to myself. I’ve told a couple people since then and I got responses that didn’t do much for me, I’ve gotten “oh yeah you definitely have it I got some people around me that also do these things-“ and so on, or “oh maybe you have ADHD or-“ and then after that I didn’t say anything altogether. I don’t know what to do about diagnosis which is the main reason I got this app. I just hope there’s some more people like me out there that are struggling and can’t do much about it. No one around me gets it like I do and it’s so frustrating. It’s definitely not as bad as what I’ve seen from other people but it definitely eats at me everyday and can mess up my relationships and make me overthink my life and the environments around me. It holds me back from so many things and it’s stressful. I just need to know what I can do to stop it. Sorry for this depressing rant, I hope some of you can relate.

Currently still struggling with feeling hopeless and anxious and sleeping, I have been sleeping the past days at four in the morning and it’s really been taking a toll on me. I just feel so hopeless due to insurance issues with NOCD , I no longer have a therapist at the moment but I’m trying my best to find another therapist that’ll accept my insurance, but with Medi-Cal it’s really hard , And the stage and point I’m in at my life currently it was the worst time to be let go and not have much help. I know I have my tools and skills, but it’s different having that one you know, someone understand what I mean, I’ve just been having really poor mental health, and in the night I have been having a really poor sleep and it’s really affecting me because I struggle going to sleep and getting up in the morning, just wondering if anyone is able to help me make a sleeping schedule , Or any encouraging words to keep going anything would be appreciated. I really truly don’t mean to burden anyone on here thank you so much

Been feeling kind of hopeless and bored unfortunately I had issues with my insurance and no longer will be able to continue with NOCD at the moment , it’s been really hard on me to be honest I haven’t gotten out of bed much and I feel really tired of everything, but I’m wondering if anyone would either want to have a convo or chat in the comments or if anyone has some kind words of encouragement I’ve just been in a really dark place lately thank you ((:💓

Hi everyone ! I have been diagnosed with pure, somatic and harm OCD since last year as well as dermatillomania. Oh ! And to top it off I have diagnosed ADHD as well. I wanted to just come on here and share some experience that I’ve had. I’m 23 years old and ever since I was a child I have memories of my dermatillomania as a way to cope with my anxiety. I have struggled with my mental health since being a child, my undiagnosed ADHD made me very self aware that I wasn’t “fast enough”, “smart enough”, or “cool enough”. My psychiatrist even says that this undiagnosed ADHD until my 20s probably exacerbated my ocd as a way to compensate. Now I still rely on my parents as they help me out while I finish my studies. One parent is very religious and believes that “disease does not exist” (only a projection in peoples minds), and is very against meds and my other parent seems to always want to change the subject and has refused to come into therapy with me to meet my doctors and understand what I live through. My religious parent, I refuse to tell them I am on medication and I know that they will disapprove and try to gaslight me into believing something that will “make it all go away”. So I’ve given up. My other parent although they appear to pay attention always changes the subject and makes me feel invalid, and no matter how many times I try to explain I feel like I am talking to a wall. I just feel sad because.. well you would want your parents to want to understand and help you. In my case I am fortunate that financially they back me but I feel like I need to be a different person around them, and when it comes to my mental health I have no support. I look at mostly white families (not all) online and they seem to want to understand and be a part of a healing process, or at least believe that OCD is a valid diagnosis. I just want to ask if any of you have had unsupportive family members, have felt alone on your journey, and if it’s okay to never really let go of that hope that one day they may understand you. And honestly advice is great but just knowing I’m not alone in this will already comfort me, knowing that we are all in this together.

So this is more of a rant and I’ll try not to seek reassurance but it’s really tough right now. I got diagnosed later (when I was 30) when I had a pretty big suicidal ocd onset after I had several family losses including ( one close one and one family friend to suicide which wrecked me) so needless to say I had a breakdown and felt like a baby and couldn’t be away from my mom or brother, I literally drove up to their house cause I couldn’t handle the thoughts and spent two months there before I went into erp which helped a lot. A big hang up I had was I considered my cousin and I very similar and close but he didn’t want help and I didn’t understand him so I have a lot of regrets regarding how we approached it but we didn’t know either. So fast forward to now I’ve had erp and I-cbt and trauma work and the anniversary of his passing happened a week ago. I thought I was fine, it’s been a long time since it happened and I was so proud of myself for conquering the suicide theme as it didn’t affect me any more and I was confident in my ability to deal with it. But then I had SO-OCD show up something that has popped in here and there but never this strong, so I have been dealing with that and now that that’s gone the suicidal ocd is back and it’s so upsetting to me and I don’t feel confident anymore. I will say after reading some posts I do have a fear I realize of not being able to manage my mental health so any time I start feeling negative feelings I can start to worry and go down that rabbit hole. Idk if that is what happened. Lately I’ve been struggling with and being frustrated with finding a job I like and dating ( has always been a struggle) and I moved to a different city and live with my family again ( after my first onset I did leave my families house and go home for a few yrs and did my erp but after i was in remission I just wanted a change and needed a safe space to start over as I didn’t see myself in my old city anymore just scrapping by). I’m glad I made the change and I’ve had positive things happen for me where I’ve been slowly overcoming my dating fears and my ocd themes and found an area of work I liked and pursued… but nothing has happened and I’m frustrated I thought it would all be an uphill swing as long as I just intentionally tried and I feel like it just hasn’t landed. And I’m also realizing sometimes that happens but my perfectionism can really start working its magic in me to beat myself up about not doing or being enough. I’ve always had this fear that I’m just gonna end up a bum and this past weekend I was down and just tried to let myself feel down despite fears of depresssion because I was just looking at the trend of my life and I feel like the outlook doesn’t look great despite me trying I even logically know I’ve done way more and come a lot farther that I “ feel” I have big feelings can trick you I’ve learned especially when you have ocd about not being able to handle them. Anyways I’m in a state of just like really because last night i was down and teared up about the changes happening with my friends starting families and I was trying not to be down but then kept having thoughts of what’s the point in trying you’re not gonna get the things you want, your never gonna stop feeling bad or confused about your emotions, what if you’re actually depressed and want to die and then I would have no emotional reaction to it cause I just feel like numb to it or apathetic at this point. I know I know I don’t want that but it’s liek my lack of feelings toward it is trying to convince me otherwise. Then I went to bed in a foul mood and mad and Ofcourse had the suicidal thoughts pop up and trying not to pick it apart or test if I wanted it there ( but I did give in to the testing a few times and felt nothing) I was liek just go to sleep you’ll feel better tomorrow your ocd is just fucking with you. Then I had a dream that I was super sad and emotional everyone else was happy and doing things with their life and starting families ( which I again don’t get I don’t want to start a family right now I’m just trying to get into dating and maybe finding a partner) and here I was not ready but feeling left behind liek I didn’t get the memo and in my emotional state in the dream I said I wanted to die and I remember feeling liek no this can’t be true but it felt like real and out of my control. Almost all my friends are getting pregnant and as a woman in their 30s this has gotten to me ( I never thought it would). And so I woke up this morning feeling that intense sadness left over from the dream and not wanting to get out of bed and trying to talk myself out of the dream like it wasn’t real and is again my ocd just fucking with me. I think I should also mention that I’m about to start menstruating and have pms/pmdd sometimes. I guess I just wanna know if there are others out there that experience this liek you’ve conquered themes but then they back door through a new theme. And I honestly just feel like it’s stupid af but my ocd is liek but it could actually be you’re depressed and suicidal and I just feel like all my work is gone. Is ocd more likely to strike when you’re frustrated with certain aspects of your life, does it make you more vulnerable to it. I know my cousins anniversary is a potential trigger but I thought I was okay but maybe it was just there in the background. Idk. Looking for support and ppl who have gone through it too and I know we can come out of it and conquer it even if sometimes you really don’t want to cause it’s tiring.