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I genuinely can't stand my life any longer. I just wanted it all to end

Anybody else get extremely anxious how fast life is moving? Like it feels like im almost at the end of my life. I think of it as like I’m 1/4 in my life and at this point of my life with 20 years will only have 3 other times in 20 year incraments so im almost done. Sounds stupid but does anyone else think like this💀

This is a big problem for me which makes me feel shame and alot of guilt, the feeling of denial is really misunderstood, sometimes i feel like they mean for certain ocd themes like harm or something when you feel like you did something bad and by ignoring you feel like youre in denial. Those times its normal that you ignore it. But i experience something different. Many times i tried to ignore ocd thought or emotions or even emotions or thoughts cause many times i couldnt decide if its ocd or normal problems, and this is why i experienced that im in denial, and this became stronger when i realized im still afraid of the content and it still comes back after time and i react the same way, they i use this fake positive reaction to it (i choose thatbits ocd, its not a real problem) which quickly makes me feel good, and then i get hit by the feeling that im avoiding im in denial. I watched a video about shame and denial, and the bad thing was i saw myself that im really in denial, that i avoid the problems, i react to the problem as its not a real problem, its ocd and i dont deal with it, its not real. But this limits me to see other problems. So realizing im actually in denial feels bad. And i dont know how to recover cause one people say do this, ignore every thought, dont listen to it, dont give any attention to it, and the other one says if you say this to every thought youre in denial. You do it as a cooping mechanism.. Just to give you an exemple, im christian so i will give that, i felt shame over doing something bad, and i was so afraid to admit it cause it comes with shame that i felt like i cant accept. I was so afraid cause shame said im a bad person, full of sin, im a shame for christianity, and because of this i didnt wanted to accept that what i did was bad and a sin cause then all of this is true. Then this made me feel like then i dont want to accept that i have flaws and im not perfect which is bad again, everyone has flaws, then i was worrying i dont want to accept that im not perfect cause i want to avoid shame, and this is where denial comes. Then what i heard that helps ocd is to ignore, i choosed to ignore it and be sarcastic with it, which made me feel more like im in denial. And after i watched the video I started spinning, cause it showed me im actually in denial to cope agains shame... so that would mean i have to accept that i did a bad thing and its okay, but that doesnt sound good to me and again i feel like im in denial, cause i should accept that what i did was bad but bc of shame i dont want to so im in denial. Im spinning so much and i dont know how to get over this denial thing. Expecially that the worries always come back and it makes me feel that i didnt worked with them as o should, i just avoided them i was in denial so thats why they come back...

Does anybody else’s intrusive thoughts come in the form of “delusional thoughts”? I’ve been in a terrible episode of hypochondria or ocd for the past 6 months where I have FULLY convinced myself I am developing schizophrenia, it started with becoming really easily overstimulated and not being able to concentrate and now it has spiraled out of control to where I am constantly getting intrusive thoughts center around demonic stuff, which i have never ever believed before, I have always been a skeptic. But now i get these thoughts all the time like “what if this song has hidden demonic meanings?” “What if your wife is a demon” “what if nobody is real and your just in hell” “what if this political figure is being controlled by the devil”, the typical kind of delusional thoughts you would expect from a schizophrenic. Keep in mind I am a literal atheist and all about facts, science and evidence, I am a skeptic. Not only does the fact that I’m even having these thoughts in the first place scare the life out of me, but I have to constantly battle with these thoughts in my head if I believe them or not. I feel like I have to constantly hold myself back from fully going off the deep end, I feel like I have to constantly disprove these thoughts and stop myself from believing them, but they feel so real and it’s scaring me so much. One part of me is like “why can’t we just stop worrying about this, this is delusional” and another part of me is like “what if I actually do need to worry about if these things are true or not, they FEEL true” and I’m just like “wtffff I shouldn’t have to worry about if things like this are true at all in the first Place!” I feel like I have fully lost my mind, and in no time I’m going to lose this little bit of insight I have. I hate these thoughts so much, I don’t want to think about them, but now that they are here, I feel like I can’t forget them. My dpdr is already making everything feel so off and weird and unreal and I feel like it’s only giving these thoughts more credibility and realness. I feel like this could also be partly a terrible form of existential ocd that’s being thrown into the mix with all these “what if thoughts”. Ugh I just want to be normal again ): but I don’t even know what normal feels like anymore because I’m constantly on the lookout for symptoms that I can’t even be normal anymore. Btw: yes I am seeing 2 therapists and a psychiatrist and all of them do not believe I am developing schizophrenia.

I need help I dont know if its hocd or i am actually of the opposite sexual orientation Its been 2 weeks now 2 weeks of non stop overthinking Of not feeling like myself Of remembering stuff that happened before Now i fear that it actually might be true because i’m not getting annoyed at the thoughts anymore and this is distressing me further I cant afford therapy and i even dont want to go fearing that it will reveal to me that i actually am of the opposite orientation Its torture Every time i’m with women now i feel anxious and uncomfortable This never happened before I dont know if i have experienced ocd before but i am really familiar with health anxiety as i am a hypochondriac I also had relationship anxiety which now that i think abt it it might be that i’m a comphet and wasnt actually attracted to my partner I need this to stop Plz help me What if i actually dont have ocd and i have been just using it as an excuse that i’m straight I literally am remembering every single time i have found a woman attractive and its making me anxious I dont want to be with women but maybe its just bc thats what we were taught

I know ocd is great at this i just want to share my story, hope someone can help me here. At first i want to say i know faith isnt about feelings, that you always feel that God is here with you, but its been weeks now that ive been struggling to feel His presents. I choose to think He is here with me but its been hard now, sometimes something happens and i say look here was God, but through the day i dont feel that feeling what i used to feel before, idk it was really comforting and gave me confidence and i could be myself around people, now i struggle feeling this. And i dont know if the problem is that i want to experience that feeling again. I just know when i was there it wasnt everything pink and sparkle and i was levitating in the sky, no i still experienced hardships, but i was able to go through them with a clear mind,.soberly, and i actually learned things, but now i just feel im going around... and ive been questioning whats the problem, why i dont feel God presence. I tried to see if i feel unloveble, or if theres something im struggling to relate, i found that im hard on myself sometimes, but i do use that method to respond kindly when im so hard with myself, but i get angry and i started to hate that when i start to be kind. Anyone can help me about that? Its that normal, part of recovery, cause im feeling bad about myself that when i want to be kind to myself i hate that, i hate that tone, cause its like i want to make myself happy with fake posivity, even wheb i say "is all right, youre loved" i just cringe cause i get angry and like its not solving the problem... so am o have to accept i will react to that now with anger? It even got to a point where i questioned do i really believe in God, cause i dont feel like it... so i think this relating can be the problem but idk how to change that, i even feel bad about feeling anger when i try to be kind with myself. Its not that i blame myself, its more that i feel like im avoiding learning to be better with this fake positivity, cause what i experienced in my life, the people who used this "its okay everyone has bad habits, we are humans" it used as an apology for their actions, like and avoidance, maybe they felt bad about it, but i didnt see work on trying to change that bad to a good thing, it was just moving on. So now when i hear "God still loves me" it triggers this in me, and i feel like i do the same and im not trying to learn, i just use fake positivity to feel better about myself. Idk if this is why the anger comes up but this is the story i have. I should work on being more kind to myself but what to do with the resistance and the feeling that i just use fake positivity to get out of shame and realizing the problem.

My new theme is existential ocd and I was doing okay-ish this week until I saw a tik tok last night about death and after death communication and it sent me on a downwards spiral of needing to constantly research and google what happens when we die again and honestly just makes me feel sad in general about it all because of the uncertainty. I feel so disconnected from everyone and I feel scared to even be alone. I have to work tommorow and feel like crying. Then my relationship ocd added with the already feeling disconnected from everyone makes me scared about what if I don't love my partner or like him and it makes me even more distressed. Im so tired of feeling like this, I've had different themes since I was 7 and I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm so sad. I had the worst mental breakdown in decemeber and I still don't think I've fully recovered. I'm on new antidepressants but I'm still sad. I feel I'll never enjoy anything because it'll always be clouded by ocd. This is honestly more of a vent post more than anything but ahh im so tired.

i think what’s keeping me from getting better is that it feels too real and i desperately feel like i need to get rid of the thoughts and prove them wrong so i don’t become them, but like, it never made me feel better. and i saw a lot of stuff on reddit with people who are miserable because they didn’t try or get treatment and it makes me want to change so i don’t become like those people on reddit. reddit in total is so triggering and negative and so many cynics and losers spend all their time there and now i think im ready to just not become that. so im gonna try. as im writing this the thoughts are bombarding me telling me that im wrong or im in denial and these thoughts are the truth and i am lying to myself. but i know ocds tricks and im ready to feel better. ima have hope.

I have had ocd since I was about 11, but just recently was diagnosed with it. My current obsession is that I could be a narcissist. I do have some narcissistic tendencies, but I read that everyone does. I would say I have empathy, I get incredibly sad whenever my family fights, I can't see people cry… I have the urge to hug them. I love listening to people and helping them … but then I also snap at people and I sometimes get jealous, I don’t think i am better than everyone, not in the slightest, I genuinely feel like I don’t deserve the life I have, but the other day I basically had a thought that I was better looking than my cousin. I am so scared to be a narcissist because I don’t want to hurt the people I love and I also don’t want to be manipulative, I want to be a good person. l

the obsession got so bad that i just cant tell if i am still ocd or just accepting my fate and becoming what i fear most. i cant tell whats going on anymore. im numb, i dont feel like this is a dire situation for my morals anymore, im just so apathetic now. i dont even know what im feeling, if i want these things or not, i dont know

3 years ago I was in the same vacation spot I’m in right now while writing this post. I was so happy this time 3 years ago, it was a year before my OCD took a turn for the absolute worst and since then I’ve been through a TON of pain and suffering. I came back to this hotel today and wanted to cry looking at this place just remembering who I used to be last time I was here. Never would’ve thought that 3 years later I’d be going through this pain on a daily basis and this would be my future. I would do anything to go back to how I was before this disease took over my life :(

Since im working in a christian band(as a backstage helper and now am also managing the social media platforms of that band) i noticed that since than i became really hard on myself on the things i can do and not. I have that "in that position i shouldnt do certain things, cause i have responsibility, i dont want to ruin the name of that band" and this gave me so much pressure. I want to work as a christian song writer, i would like to write non christian songs too, and this is where the problem begins. Now i have this "only God" mentality, that for us christians everything should be about God, some worldly song are bad cause its against God, love songs are bad cause its lust and this is just about songs, but ive fallen into this rabbit hole that everything that its not about God its against him. Im so afraid that in my position as christian i will show a bad picture and thats a big pressure. So i will share what happened. With my friends we have fun by writing worldly songs, like parodies, we making fun of what todays worldy music is about (not every just some rap, pop music), how the songs doesnt have any value, its about money, how much money i have, girls, evers girl wants us for the money, i have luxury cars, i live the best life, and from all of this suddenly it turns to my heart is cold, nobody loves me, im alone, and making fun of this sometimes helps me to see behind all this fake happiness that this lifestyle will give, that i have money i have girls im so cool, im the king but deep down im suffering... so it helps me realizing this, and again we dont do that as we value this or we live like that, its a parody we show eachother how stupid these style of music is and its sad that the world likes this, but again not all of them cause since then i met non christian people who thinks the same about those songs. So this also made me feel sinful that we write these songs and we shouldnt do this. Yesterday i wrote a lyrics that was a little bit different than the other ones, it wasnt about money and how cool i am, it was about love, breakup and i didnt wrote that from my heart cause i dont have those experience and i was focusing on making it like these non christian breakup songs, and it became actually good. Today just randomly i thought about i try to send it to someone cause it could be a good song, and also i would feel good if something i did wil become big. And here is the problem lies, i feel like this is egoistic and agaist God cause i did it cause i want this to be about me, that something i did becomes big and famous... I sended the lyrics to someone and i want expect it but imediatelly got a respons and they liked the lyrics and they will make a song with that, so do you think i was happy about it? Oh no... suddenly i got hit by shame and a big anxiety that what i did was not right as a christian. I made a non christian song thats against God cause its about love and breakup which in my mind is lust and I made that relevant... and a huge fear and guilt hitted me and since then im afraid i did something wrong, i just acted from my ego, for my good sake, it wasnt about God and im dissapointed about myself. I try to see it as this song isnt that bad its not about sin, sex and drugs, its just about breakup, but my mind says i just try to make it like sin i good... also the person i sended has sinful wordly songs too, but he has many romantic, more about love songs, but the thing that he has sinful music makes me feel so bad and dissapointed about myself. I contributed to sin... its bad cause here noone can help me, the first thing i got from my family was "then why you did it, you shouldve thought about that". And it made me fear more cause dont get the support i need. So i try to find the support here...

I feel like since I was 15 where OCD really started kicking, I feel like I was living on survival mode and now I'm 25 and OCD has never been worse, I think I spent most of my life surviving, on the other hand others spent it improving and investing in themselves, which leaves me with a big question mark, how can I compete, knowing that today's societal standards are harsh and pretty much unrealistic, I feel alienated, overshadowed and straight up not belonging here, I really can't find my place in this world.

I have my first therapy apt Monday - looking forward to it! However, I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD. I’m advocating for myself and hoping to figure out what all is going on so I can learn correct coping techniques to get better! I guess I’m writing this to maybe see if anyone can help me understand or can relate!? I had my first panic attack a few months ago! After a few weeks my mind got scared that feeling anxious and stressed out was going to make me become schizophrenic or some insane situation. I somewhat got over that fear after several months of everyday panics about it. Now I’m in a loop and scared everyday that I’m “stuck”. I felt like I was experiencing dereliction and things weren’t real. And my mind takes off with that feeling everyday and feeds me these constant ‘what if’ thoughts and make things seem real. I am worried and in tears off and on everyday. It’s like a tug of war because I know it’s not true but in that same breath I feel like it’s real and true! It’s exhausting and scary! Can anyone relate? Does this sound OCD related? Thanks so much! Hugs to everyone ❤️

One more question for y’all! I’m sure this is many of us, but I literally cannot sleep. If I do fall asleep, I maybe drift off for an hour or two. Then, I’m startled awake….intrusive thoughts running wild, heart racing….and then I lie awake the rest of the night. Just stuck in panic mode until the sun comes up. Then I have to start the day…already being in the rabbit hole for hours. I’ve tried every natural “remedy” nothing works. I’ve tried the pharmaceutical route…that also doesn’t work! Sleep has now become the enemy and I’d rather just stay awake all night. Does anyone have anything that helps them?? I’m desperate. The body/mind can’t heal without proper sleep. Also…and maybe folks can speak to this too. I’m back on my SSRI (3.5 weeks in) after being off for a few months (mistake). It’s torture waiting for the effects to kick in.

I don't know if I've always struggled with OCD in one way or another and never realized it or if this is simply a recent development from a lot of stress suddenly put on me all at once... At the start of this semester I had registered for a "Death and Dying" class thinking it would be an interesting elective. I went in expecting a more objective outlook on the subject, but the first two classes I attended, the teacher had us talk in groups and it ended up getting really personal and uncomfortable for me. It included an anonymous poll from students, showing how many of us had dealt with varying causes of death in friends and family, and I was already nauseous and holding back from crying. I had to leave in the middle of the second class because I couldn't handle the discussions without bursting into tears. Crying while trying to talk about difficult subjects is not new to me, I cry very easily, but I never expected it to interfere with school this way. I stood in the hall wondering why I was the only one visibly struggling to stomach the contents of this class. I took a walk around campus and I believe this is where the depersonalization/derealization began. I didn't feel in control of my body at all and my head felt so foggy as well as feeling nauseous. For the next few days I felt so horrible. For some reason, I started imagining myself getting the gun we have for defense from my parents room and taking my life. I want to live. I love my life and I have no reason to want to go through with that. But these thoughts were so overwhelming and consuming that I couldn't focus on anything else. This combined with the feeling of not being in control of my body became a very scary situation for me mentally. (Worth noting that it's ONLY ever the gun. I never think about overdosing or hanging or anything else like that. I think it may be a combination of it being a quick and violent method.) I even had to leave a few hours into a shift at work, something I NEVER do. I slowly opened up to my mom every now and then about these feelings by typing them in my notes and showing them to her (again, I cry very easily. It's dfficult to speak between sobs.) But after a few more days I couldn't take it anymore. I cried hysterically and finally told my parents I was dealing with these intrusive thoughts because it felt like such a dire situation. Thankfully, they responded with wanting to help as well as locking up the gun in a safe. We went for a car ride and had a long talk about intrusive thoughts and other things that could have caused me to become so distressed (recent death in the family I didn't know how to cope with, my father passing before I was old enough to understand, my fears for the future, etc.) I felt way better after all that, but the intrusive thoughts still stayed. I was still in a depersonalization episode and couldn't shake the feeling of being "doomed" as if even of I don't take my life, something bad is going to happen. (This is already lengthy so I think I'll make this 2 parts)

Here I am once again. I found a small moveable lump under my chin so I ended up going to the ER because i couldn’t wait to get in to a ENT. The Dr just felt it and said it’s a gland. I told her it doesn’t feel like the one on the other side. She did a CBC and said she isn’t worried about it. I can’t get it out of my head that she’s wrong. I have been looking at a Prayer request that went out from a well known radio host and read all the comments of people asking for Prayers due to them or loved ones having cancer. All I want to do is sleep, as soon as I wake up I get the surge of anxiety and panic. I fear death and worry IF there is no afterlife and this makes things 💯 worse. I’m tired

Hi there, So ive had OCD for few years now, after i gave birth something drastic changed. Ive been experiencing Dissociation(cant recognize anyone around or my life anymore) And my OCD exacerbated a lot . My obsessions about my life, existence in itself, who am i? Who are my kids? Whats happening to me? Am i going to end up killing myself ? Every-time a new idea pops into my mind, i obsess about it. Its TORTURE! And its doesn’t stop I tried all kinds of medications, SSRIs, antipsychotics, Lithium (which i believe increased my OCD). Kind of losing hope:( Did anyone experience that? Thanks ❤️

Does anybody else’s intrusive thoughts come in the form of “delusional thoughts”? I’ve been in a terrible episode of hypochondria or ocd for the past 6 months where I have FULLY convinced myself I am developing schizophrenia, it started with becoming really easily overstimulated and not being able to concentrate and now it has spiraled out of control to where I am constantly getting intrusive thoughts center around demonic stuff, which i have never ever believed before, I have always been a skeptic. But now i get these thoughts all the time like “what if this song has hidden demonic meanings?” “What if your wife is a demon” “what if nobody is real and your just in hell” “what if this political figure is being controlled by the devil”, the typical kind of delusional thoughts you would expect from a schizophrenic. Keep in mind I am a literal atheist and all about facts, science and evidence, I am a skeptic. Not only does the fact that I’m even having these thoughts in the first place scare the life out of me, but I have to constantly battle with these thoughts in my head if I believe them or not. I feel like I have to constantly hold myself back from fully going off the deep end, I feel like I have to constantly disprove these thoughts and stop myself from believing them, but they feel so real and it’s scaring me so much. One part of me is like “why can’t we just stop worrying about this, this is delusional” and another part of me is like “what if I actually do need to worry about if these things are true or not, they FEEL true” and I’m just like “wtffff I shouldn’t have to worry about if things like this are true at all in the first Place!” I feel like I have fully lost my mind, and in no time I’m going to lose this little bit of insight I have. I hate these thoughts so much, I don’t want to think about them, but now that they are here, I feel like I can’t forget them. My dpdr is already making everything feel so off and weird and unreal and I feel like it’s only giving these thoughts more credibility and realness. I feel like this could also be partly a terrible form of existential ocd that’s being thrown into the mix with all these “what if thoughts”. Ugh I just want to be normal again ): but I don’t even know what normal feels like anymore because I’m constantly on the lookout for symptoms that I can’t even be normal anymore. Btw: yes I am seeing 2 therapists and a psychiatrist and all of them do not believe I am developing schizophrenia.

my ocd has gotten SO much better. but these last few days, death ocd, and im afraid ill be scared to eat food. i don’t know why my mind does this. but even being on my phone is making me overthink everything. what if i’m going crazy 😞