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I got stuck in a Solipsism spiral and I feel like everything and everyone is fake and all in my head like a dream is all in your head at night. I feel like i’m never going to feel normal again and alone and stuck. I feel like everything could be in my head and nothing exists. Please can someone tell me they felt like this before and got over it eventually and back to normal.

I am currently 17 and I’ve had ocd ever since I was a child. Everyone noticed around me because I was obsessed with washing n my hands and having perfect handwriting to a point where while taking notes in church, I erased the letter “e” and had my cousin fill in the letter e through my whole page of notes. I would want notebooks to be perfect often resulting in me ripping imperfect pages off and ruining the whole book. I would erase till the page ripped. Later as a kid I watched movies like coraline and was felt that because of me doing certain things, I sent myself to an alternate reality. (I know it sounds insane but I was a child with ocd). I was convinced that because I did the Bloody Mary challenge in elementary school, I sent myself into a fake alternate dimension. I would have to do the Bloody Mary challenge and even amount of times to reverse it and recall the exact events of when I did it. I also heard about the Truman show and felt that I was in a simulation and would have to do certain things to get out. This gave me severe depression in middle school. I would walk backwards on tiles to make sure it was even. I would have to touch things an even amount of times and do intrusive thoughts like breaking this keychain I made and loved. I would pet my dog and think the most horrific things of her injured and would have to pray to protect her. Eventually as I got older, my trigger became forgetting things like forgetting thoughts that could be important or important TikTok’s so every time I scrolled on TikTok I would have to scroll all the way back up and would have anxiety if the page refreshes on its own. I am obsessed with dropping or leaving stuff so I always look back like a crazy person 24/7 to see if I dropped something. I would take excessive random screenshots to not forget something or if they jog a memory. I fear I accidentally close tabs on my computer which drives me insane even if I never even touched the tab. I have a hard time throwing away empty packages just in case something is in it that I never noticed. Sometimes I become hyper aware of swallowing. I get scared because as a Christian, blasphemy is an unforgivable sin so I would have panic attacks thinking my random intrusive thoughts were real and blasphemy. I would be confused with my sexuality even though I know I’m straight. And a lot of my irrational things I am aware are crazy but still am urged to follow through even if I suffer. I get obsessed with getting good sleep and if something I did in my past will actually be a major health problem. I would think that something I did in my past is gonna make God punish me. I get obsessed with my clothes or hands getting dirty so I’m always washing it. I get obsessed with being pretty and used to screenshot like 100 photos of pretty people. I have an overall obsessive personality. I also overthink about everything I say. Overall these are my most noticeable symptoms and my story. I know 100% that I have OCD and everyone around me knows but I just never had the means to get officially diagnosed because I only recently opened up to my parents on how big of a problem my ocd actually is and I didn’t want to pay for help. This is my ocd story.

Basically I started having derealisation episodes back in 2017 and ever since then there have been multiple themes that get stuck to my head convincing me that I’m the only one in this world and other people aren’t real. I got a lot better in 2021 but this year it started to happen again and I find myself wondering that what if I’m in a brain in vat simulation and I’m the only one there with other people as AIs. But I realized that statistically the chances are very low and when I can scientifically refute such thoughts I feel a lot better. But today I have been feeling very anxious and another thought popped into my head that ok what if this simulation has more people like a billion (which increases my chances of being in it) and the remaining billion are AIs. Can you pls help me refute this thought scientifically and logically like why would it even be needed etc? Thank you 😭

Trying to finally start facing my Existential OCD and thoughts. When I get a scary thought, fire example “what if nothings real and i’m imagining everything”. I then tell myself maybe and distract myself. After doing this, I feel very on edge and everything feels unreal and fake and dreamy (might be partly dpdr) but it’s almost like i’ve fully accepted nothings real and i’m scared i’ll feel like that forever. Is this normal or am I doing my ERP wrong?

i’m having sm anxiety rn bc i had a choir christmas party yesterday at school and we had snacks and sugar and i think sm sugar can make ur ocd rise bc it’s technically caffeine but also since i’m a senior in high school we had this thing for seniors and i got 2 cookies i ate that so i think it generally messed with my anxiety and ocd but when i got home i was so tired and felt bleh but i was anxious bc my fear of death ofc was like “what if ur dying?” and i’m having trouble breathing bc i woke up from a nap yesterday and i was panicking bc i thought i was gonna puke… but i woke up from a morning headache and i was anxious this morning but i’m like ugh it’s so hard bc my head feels weird and my body feels weird like almost like a burn out after anxiety?? but like i took a tylenol idk if it helped… but my head feels weird and body feels weird like almost light headed but not? and tired feeling but then my health, sucidial, and fear of death in general has been going back to back

This topic ventures into the philosophical area. Uncertainty is central to OCD, manifesting as doubt about the path, the goal, and whether uncertainty exists in the first place. Could it be that what we perceive as randomness is merely our limited understanding of an underlying order? Delving deeper, I ponder whether it's not the uncertainty itself that troubles us, but rather the question of whether randomness is intentional, perhaps orchestrated by another entity, or simply inherent in nature. Is there something behind this randomness, suggesting a will and thus an order—albeit one known only to that entity? Or is randomness itself an expression of will? Here's what I know: pure randomness doesn't exist.I challenge you, if you present me with a set of random items, I can identify commonalities among them. Therefore, if randomness doesn't truly exist, then order must be present. Consequently, what we call randomness is merely our ignorance of this order. This leads me to infer that such order implies the existence of a Willing Entity with a plan. Yet, my inability to comprehend this plan explains why things often seem unrelated and nonsensical. I believe our struggle with uncertainty stems from a deep-seated belief in an underlying order that we cannot fully grasp or identify. For believers, this entity is often referred to as God. However, even those who believe in God can struggle with uncertainty. This may be due to their perception of God—they might believe in God's existence but lack trust in His wisdom and the notion that He orchestrates events according to a higher plan. In my finale I say, believing in a God who is Wise, Forgiving, and All-Knowing can be key to alleviating uncertainty and providing clarity for living a peaceful life. What are your thoughts?

For a long time now I have a problem of being insanely self aware about me and everything around me. I can’t really enjoy anything anymore because I always think about life and every situation I’m in. It’s so hard to explain but I could be enjoying my self and in the next moment I’m thinking about how life works and what’s going on. I overly think about how I’m acting especially in a public setting and even when I’m alone. Like I’m literally doing it right now while writing this. I just can’t ever be who I really am anymore every little thing I do I precisely examine and almost calculate. It’s to the point where I basically forgot who I really am. Constantly switching my personality in different environments and conditions. Just wish I could be content with myself. I also overly think about how people are acting around me and try to read their emotions. I can just never be at peace in mind. I just always think about how and why we’re even living. Like how does any of this work and why did any of this happen. And everyone just acts like it’s completely normal which is how I used to be when I was younger but as I’ve grown older that’s almost all I can think about sometimes. How we’re supposed to follow a certain path. Get a high paying job, find someone to start a family with, raise children, grow old and die. All of that makes sense and sounds like a good fulfilling life I guess, it’s just so overwhelming and kinda scary. It just feels like people already have a life written for them and they kind of just go on aimlessly. It’s so hard to explain I’d go into more depth like I could go on for 20 pages about it but I’ve already written too much. Does anyone else feel this way? And is there anyway of calming it down?

Hi, I’ve suffered with several types of OCD for as long as I can remember, but I’ve been doing really well recently. The last few days have been very difficult for me, and I’ve begun to spiral, I can usually handle most OCD as I’ve been there done that and got the t-shirt (and I know what to do) but there’s a new one this last day that’s been making me feel totally helpless and I’ve never seen anyone have the same thoughts all out together into one big OCD theme, so that’s making me even more concerned. I suffer badly with harm OCD amongst other ones, worrying about harming/killing my loved ones in my sleep and not knowing about it or being able to prevent it (and this genuinely makes me feel sick, and stops me from sleeping a lot especially when I’m on my own in the house with another member of family or a loved one). Recently I’ve been feeling out of sorts (fatigued, loss of appetite and like everything’s just not real) which is possibly anxiety or my derealisation at play. Last night, I was in and out of sleep badly, it just wasn’t a smooth night, but I woke up this morning fine until I remembered I had (at some point during the night, asleep or awake I’m not sure) I had been thinking about a book I read where the woman murdered her child and then the husband suffocated the wife to death. This has set me off like nothing different, because I get very agitated when I can’t remember exactly when or why I thought things. My (very abnormal OCD) way of thinking is that what if I thought about that in the book when I was half-asleep and not in control and I then went and did it to a loved one and had no ability to prevent or know about it - and now this is all very much a dream or something I’ve conjured up to ‘protect’ myself from the truth or that I’m in prison or a psychotic ward or something along those lines…crazy I know! Now everything feels very ‘unreal’ and I just can’t stop thinking about this scenario, mainly because I can’t remember why or when I was thinking about the book I just know that I was - this is totally new and a bit out of the box even for me. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has ever suffered with anything similar (unlikely🤣) or what type of OCD this may fall under? Or even any methods or ways I can help myself and easing this new OCD as this is just truly exhausting now… Thanks!

Everyday just gets worse and worse and there’s no way to escape the cycle. This constant feeling of dread and guilt I can’t stand it. I have no one to talk to about any of this because I have a fear of them thinking of me different and I don’t like putting my problems on people it just makes me feel like I want attention or something like even when I’m writing this paragraph. I’m stuck in a constant loop. Constant aggressive thoughts and compulsions. I’m 18 and I don’t know about any of my insurance or anything so I can’t get a therapist on here and I really don’t wanna talk to my mom about any of this. I dread having to wake up everyone morning and continue with this shit all day every day. I hate complaining but I just can’t stand this. I don’t know what to do. I’m slowly losing every inch of my mind.

I’m just so tired of OCD and intrusive thoughts. I’m at the point where I don’t know if I can handle this anymore. I feel like all I can think about is bad thoughts that aren’t true, and it’s wearing my soul down. I love my family and friends but my mind keeps telling me I hate them or that I want to hurt them or leave them. I don’t want to die but I can’t keep living like this anymore. I’m in so much pain some days that I just want it to end. I don’t understand why God would make me suffer so much when I’m so blessed with everything I have. I keep hearing that God is merciful and that he has a plan for us, a good plan, but how I can believe that when my soul hurts so bad. Everything in my life is perfect except me. Maybe I’m just not meant to be happy. I used to be so anxious that I believed I would never make it to adulthood, but now that I’m an adult I don’t know what to do. I never dreamed of the future because I believed I never had one. I still feel the same way. I’m just going through the motions every day because I feel I have no purpose. Sometimes it feels like I’m only alive because my family loves me and I don’t want to hurt them with my death. Sometimes I crave the thought of alcohol and drugs because I wish I could numb myself. Sometimes I wonder if my family would let me go if they knew how much my mind haunts me. I don’t know what I’m living for except my family and the hope it’ll get better, but I’m running out of hope. I just wish it would stop, that I could have some peace. I want peace so damn bad. I sleep as much as I can because it’s the only time my mind is quiet. I’m missing out on my life because sleeping is one of my only sources of peace. I’m missing out on time with my family because my mind won’t leave me alone. I know it can get better but I don’t know if I can wait any longer. I’m losing my mind and sometimes I wish I could go to another world to escape it, but it wouldn’t matter. No matter where I go, my mind will never give me peace. It will always fight me. What should I do? Should I tell my family about this? I don’t want to bother them because the holidays are close and maybe this is just another depressive episode. Idk. I just need some advice.

It certainly sounds easy. But what they don’t tell us is how excruciatingly difficult it is. How terrifying it feels. How you feel like you need to drive right then and admit yourself because you feel like you’re going crazy. They don’t say how your brain feels like it’s on fire and how all your worst fears feel like they are about to happen.

Have you ever engaged in a thought and only left you more confused?

Last night, I had a panic attack/OCD attack over Solipsism OCD. I had a feeling that I will feel this panic in my stomach and this Derealization forever during it. I had a panic attack like this a few months ago from THC and left me in a state of constant DPDR and made my OCD and anxiety deteriorate. Since that THC panic attack i’ve been doing much bettter until last night when it went to absolute hell. I feel like i’ve relapsed my recovery and feel the same awful state I was in 2 months ago. Still bothered by Solipism OCD and want to know has anyone had an awful episode like that and fully recovered and is no longer bothered by Solipism/Existential OCD. Last night really ruined my confidence and motivation for recovery and just need some support and motivation.

So I've had OCD since I was a child. Like really young. The first intrusive thought I can remember was when I was 5. It just keeps getting worse and lately they've been making me physically ill or throwing me into extreme panic attacks again ( ones where I can't move my body ) the other night I thought God was trying to kill me because I was thinking about ending myself from OCD+ life issues but in reality I was just having a panic attack😭😭it affects me daily. It gets a little better with therapy but I don't see therapy coming into my life any time soon and I'm not even sure if I would want to go (for multiple reasons). To wrap this up if you have severe ocd can you tell me what it's like?? I don't want to label anything without proper research and hearing others perspectives. Thank you!! <3 (My profile says all of my subtypes if that helps any)

Hi all. Idk why but this is suddenly popping into my brain. I’m trying to recall past character obsessions. Idk what fictional crushes feel like/don’t really remember? I just get a sense of excitement seeing the characters on screen if they’re there or chills if it’s a good impactful scene. The only fictional crush I can sorta remember is hiccup from httyd, loved him since I was a kid. He’s cute and funny and a gentleman. Dream guy. I wouldn’t say he brings me much excitement anymore, I’m 19 now so I’ve outgrown the series but it still holds a special place in my heart. I’ve never thought about the characters in a sexual way or romantic way. I have watched/listened to erotica of certain characters when I was younger but stopped doing that a couple years ago cuz.. eh? Wasn’t my thing anymore. (Think mha). Idk if I have a character/celebrity crush like that anymore Anyways. I bring this up cuz now I’m sitting here wondering if my fictional crushes (that idk if I’ve had) and also celebrity crushes mean smthn about my sexuality that I don’t want. Like what if I liked more women than man characters? Does that make me a lesbian? I’m bisexual for context. And it’s bugging me a bit. But not making me as anxious as thoughts usually do. Maybe it’s cuz I’m half asleep typing this and it’s finals season and I’m internally dying lol. But like. It’s bugging me. What about celebrity crushes. Idk if I’ve had a full blown crush on a female celebrity, or a male one for that matter. I just think they’re cool, pretty/handsome, whatever. But never romantic or sexual. Is that normal? Most times it’s just “oh that outfit is nice, their makeup looks wonderful, who did her hair?” Does this say anything about my sexuality. I know I like men but my brain is in the loop of trying to convince me I only like women and I don’t like the thought cuz I love my boyfriend. Like if I see like Halle Bailey on my screen I’ll stare cuz she looks great but same goes for tom Payne. Idk what a celebrity crush really looks or feels like so idk if I’m feeling the right things or if I’m in denial of being a lesbian and the only crushes I’ve had are on celebrity men (which isn’t true cuz I’ve had crushes on actual men before and always have, women just got added to the mix when I was in high school, I’ve dated one or two women since figuring it out and it didn’t go great, so maybe sticking with men will work out for me. Idk. I do really like men, their bodies are less complicated than a woman’s but still really nice. This kinda loops into my ROCD too, am I finding my bf’s body/face attractive enough) Like seeing simu liu with his shirt off in shang chi for the first time sent my friend and I into whiplash cuz DAMN? But also seeing scarJo as black widow makes me excited. I didn’t feel anything as a groinal response for either of them just excitement and wow they’re cool actors and attractive. And I’d like to be black widow cuz the outfit and kickassery is great So summary: What does a fictional crush feel like Does it say anything about my sexuality cuz I’m worried it does I’m worried I’m in denial I’m a lesbian and that the fictional characters were a tip off to that even tho I’ve mostly liked and dated and enjoyed my time with men. Every time I feel decent about my attraction to men, specifically my bf cuz who gives a fuck about any other man when I have him, I go back to the “am I faking it? Is it comphet?” And I’m worried I don’t feel enough when I know it’s just the honeymoon phase wearing off and the more I chase the feelings the more they’re gonna run away but I cannot help but analyze and check and read everything I can to make sure I’m not a lesbian and am genuinely attracted to him cuz lately I feel nothing around him. Not even when I say I love you and it bugs me but doesn’t cause me much anxiety anymore. Idk if it’s cuz a backdoor spike or because I’ve gotten used to the thoughts bouncing around. I haven’t gotten to the accepting them as thoughts bit cuz I’m worried that if I accept the thought it means i accept the idea (ie if I accept “you’re gay” as a thought, it means I’m gay I know that’s not what accepting the thought is about, it’s about “ah cool thought brain” but I can’t seem to believe it and let it go)

tw / this theme is literally ruining my life. I can’t get a moments peace, all the symptoms I have feel so real and googling the symptoms caused more to show up and it’s so scary now. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I might actually have it and I’m so scared. nothing is helping. I’m going to be stuck in this theme forever or actually become psychotic or schizophrenic. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m over analyzing every little symptom as possible schizophrenia, and no matter how many times people tell me “crazy people don’t know they’re crazy”, my ocd still has me convinced I have it or I’m developing it. I’m so, so sick of my anxiety and ocd. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel trapped. these are just some of my symptoms: - Almost constantly seeing something out of the corner of my eye, shadows/figures/moving, etc. - Difficulty concentrating. - Newer symptom - difficulty talking (more frequent pauses in talking, forgetting what I was saying, struggling to find words, struggling to form sentences for a minute before I figure it out) - Extremely stressed and anxious almost at all times. - Extreme fear of losing my mind - Occasional feeling of impending doom - Forgetfulness (easily forgetting what I was saying/doing or what I was going to say/do) - Constantly pausing or rewinding videos/TV to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating the sound. - Occasional thoughts of “is this real?” “What if I’m actually just dreaming?” “Am I hallucinating all of this?” type of thing. - Difficulty getting to sleep, every night I don’t sleep until like 1-2 a.m. when I inevitably can’t keep my eyes open anymore and pass out, frequently wake up throughout the night Side note on this one: I’m afraid to sleep due to my OCD convincing me that something will happen in my sleep or I’ll sleepwalk or something like that. - Dissociation/zoning out - Almost always tired/yawning/exhausted/heavy eye feeling - Lack of interest in hobbies/shows/etc I’m so, so tired. I feel so hopeless and like my worst fears are actually coming true. Googling schizophrenia and psychosis just caused more symptoms and now I feel miserable. I wish I didn’t have to worry about this. I wish I could live happily and carefree. all of this venting and still nothing seems to help. Nothings helping. I’m just going to be stuck like this forever. I want to cry, I want to break down. I’m sick of living in fear. I’m sick of questioning my sanity. Now I’m spiraling that maybe I am schizophrenic or psychotic and this is just the beginning and it’s just going to get worse from here and I’ll end up losing myself and my mind/sanity. What if I lose the ones I love around me because they can’t stand me anymore. Im worried im not going to be myself anymore and im never going to recover and its just going to get worse.

I'm having the hardest time right now with my own ruminating negative thoughts that may or may not possibly come true. I fear the worst and replay what that looks like in my head over and over. The best I can do is my best and wait for the horror to end. I want to cry, but can't. I'm scared and alone in my head. My anxiety is extreme. What should I do in the meantime while I'm going through this? How can I minimize or stop the way I'm feeling? Please, I need help.

I am a 22 year old man located in Indianapolis, Indiana. I have struggled with OCD my whole life, but two years ago I slipped into a loop of analyzing symptoms and convincing myself I was dying. Since then, it has come and gone monthly, with very little time in between. My symptoms feel oh so real to me. Tests, of course, all come back clear. My question is: has anyone gone through this and actually become better? I am constantly afraid and grappling with my own mortality, as well as just sincerely being in very real physical discomfort. I have lost jobs, scholarships, and a longterm girlfriend in part due to this disorder of mine. I can’t help but feel like a burden or broken record to my support system who has stuck around. Bless them. I’m beginning to lose all hope. How can I make life worth living again? Is there any hope for me at all? Success stories? Advice? Much love to anyone this reaches. Please keep me in your hearts.

TRIGGER WARNING - RELIGION AND EXISTENTIAL OCD So, now that the trigger warning is out of the way, I'd like to share a thought I had earlier. Its been brewing for a while but this is the best way I think I can word it. Are we responsible for our circumstances or the circumstances of others, or is God responsible? Is a thought responsible for it's circumstances or the circumstances of other thoughts, or is the thinker responsible? What leads what? (If anything leads at all). Does it ultimately matter if we know? Is the solution inconsequential to the answer, is the answer inconsequential to the solution, or both inconsequential of each other? It may take a few times to reread to understand 😅 sorry

I haven’t been on this app for quite a long time. I could go about my day without thinking about ocd and actually focus on things in my life for the past few months. I haven’t been on meds and going to therapy. But recently my ocd flared up due to the pressure of dealing with pre-college stuff. And it has gone worst than I’ve remembered. I feel so dissociated with myself. I don’t even have a ‘gut feeling’ anymore, and I genuinely couldn’t trust myself. The context of the intrusive thoughts are so absurd and disturbing. It feels like it’s eating me up and I’m becoming a mindless zombie. It’s just so traumatic.