hey:)
My name is mai, iām 18 years old. I think Iāve been struggling with OCD almost all my life - eventhough iāve only realized it lately, thanks to a friend that made me aware of the fact that the horrifying thoughts and impulses i sometimes experience, are not ājust a little stress and insecurityā.
When i was a little kid i had very long hair. People always commented on it, sometimes they said things that triggered an unproportional huge amount of anxiety in me. I Never wanted to cut my hair. Someday my sister and a friend told me that if i wasnāt going to cut it soon, theyād come at night and do it for me when i sleep. I was always a sensible and fragile person that thinks too much and doesnāt know where to put these thoughts.
At that time i didnāt realize how much these words and fears affected me, but unconsciously i started controlling if my hair was still there every 40-60 seconds. I could not sleep if my hair was not hanging over my right shoulder where i could see and feel it. I always wore it on the right, and checked it - constantly, until one day a doctor told me that my neck was suffering due to the weight and the tense position that my head was always in. Then i decided to end this fear and cut it, so that the pain and fears would stop, reminding myself that i could always regrow it. The fear disappeared, and for some years, in which i struggled with other disorders, the OCD symptoms seemed to be somewhere in the back of my mind.
I just finished school, and now iām preparing for the TMS (a test in Germany that increases your chances of getting into med school). Since the structure and safety of going to school regularly is missing, and since i donāt know if Iāll be accepted for one of the subjects iād like to study, i feel very much out of control. I feel helpless, at the mercy of strangers and iām so afraid of failing the expectations i have for myself.
Since this phase of ābeing out of control and safetyā has started, i suddenly experienced a lot of different anxieties, some of them causing panic attacks on a regular basis. I obsess about my health, i find new symptoms and proofs I could be dead or very Sick in the next few days - every week. Iāve been to my doctor so often i think heās really annoyed because of my ideas. Sometimes i also have psychological fears, like what if iām losing my mind.? What if iām having a psychosis? What if nothing is even real and everything is just an illusion? Thinking about life and existence frightens me a lot. I canāt drink alcohol of caffeine anymore because iām convinced it will change my perception of reality in a way i couldnāt handle. Some days i wake up and think that the colour of the socks i choose to wear will determine what kind of day This will become. I often worry that i bother people too much, that iām annoying and Just hopeless and that eventually people will realize how exhausting i am, and leave. Itās especially bad in romantic relationships, and it makes everything hard to enjoy.
I have now chosen to work on myself, on my real fears - that lay beneath the things i think to fear. I want to educate myself on this disease and get my life back. Iāll make a list of things that i used to love, and am now too afraid to do. I want my life back from my anxiety and OCD.
