Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I’m gay, and I’ve always viewed gay porn to get off, but ever since last year, it’s been difficult to actually do that cause it feels like I’ve grown..well, bored of it, but it’s the only porn I can and will ever view. But there’s times when I’m trying to enjoy it and then these thoughts show up in my head and it feels like I’m getting excited by it but I always stop cause I don’t wanna touch myself to something like that yk? But it hasn’t stopped in so long and I don’t know what to do. Even when I’m not doing it these thoughts sometimes give me feelings of “excitement” as if I’m really being turned on by them, can that be related to porn addiction too? I can never EVER look up cp or anything violent, but could these thoughts be showing up because I have a porn addiction? There was a time when there was a thought stuck in my head and I still felt the urge to just watch porn and touch myself but the thought was still there, even when I finished. And it was unfortunately very vivid. I cried and kept telling myself I couldn’t be this person, but the thought was there, I felt the need to do it and I still did it. Wouldn’t that prove that I am what I think I am? How can I enjoy watching gay porn for so long then out of nowhere I somehow want something else? I don’t want to do harm to anyone underage, I just want to understand how this could happen and if this is all still part of OCD or I’m just a porn fiend. Cause the saddest part of all of this is, I still want to watch and enjoy myself to GAY porn, but Idk how to do that without the thoughts showing up. If that’s even what they are anymore.

Hi. Welcome to story time. Back in 2019 (wow, long time ago) was the first time a doctor first mentioned the possibility of me having OCD. I was 19 back then. During childhood, my mom would call me “impressionable”. Anything could trigger me into a spiral of crippling fears, and I had rituals to try to escape them. At 13, I started picking at my skin. It was mainly about need for perfection, and when I felt I couldn’t achieve it, I hurt myself. I had bad acne that triggered me into picking a lot, and even worse things, like I needed to expunge the “imperfection” out of me. Doctors never took it seriously. They wouldn’t even treat my acne because they’d say my problem was only my habit of hurting myself, but then they’d send me off with a “just stop doing it”. I never stopped. I hated myself. I hated myself for how much I felt things, so uncontrollably in a highly sensitive and even irrational way. I’d pick at my skin for hours on end all throughout my teenage years. At 19, a neurologist casually mentioned to me that skin picking could be related to OCD. The ground seemed to shift beneath my feet. He sent me off with antidepressants after 10 minutes of appointment at best. I was just left with this piece of information and no guideline at all, no afterthought about how that might affect other pieces of my life. I found this app and started engaging myself in every discussion trying to piece together what I really had and what was going on. Ironically, anything OCD related became my obsession. Then I went to a psychiatrist, and he brushed it off saying I only had bad anxiety. A really shitty therapist I was seeing at the time told me very rudely that I was only trying to justify my bad actions by blaming them on a possible disease. So I told myself to forget all about that previous nonchalant and catastrophic diagnosis, but still took my meds and went on. All was fine for a while, until it wasn’t. Because things never truly went away. I still couldn’t understand why I reacted to things the way I did, and how to make it better. I then started thinking I might have ADD – grasping onto anything that might explain my chronic procrastination, getting stuck in my head so intensely that I block everything out, and my need to move my hands (essentially picking at my skin). At this point, I’d been to other four psychiatrists. One of them only listened to me for like 5 minutes then told me I was really exaggerating and took me off my meds. I went through a really dark hole. After a while I got to another one, he listened intently, and finished it off with “I don’t believe in diagnosing people but you seem to be going through it”, and gave me another prescription. The third one followed that same line, but asked me to consult with a neuropsychologist. So there I went. 10 stupidly expensive sessions later, she tells me I’m too depressed for her to really assess if my lack of attention is really ADD. But, yeah, the tests indicate severe OCD. I thought it was funny at first – I mean, too depressed for a diagnosis, I guess –, then I was relieved. Ok, so it wasn’t all in my head. Then I was pissed. So, so pissed. Because for years and years on end no one had the guts to tell me what I’m convinced was very obvious to any trained medic. I mean, except for that first guy, who said it in a way that made it feel like he was telling me I had cancer then sending me off with some aspirins without even saying where the tumor was. For years, I’ve had so much pressure, from others and myself. That I could make myself less miserable, I just didn’t! Just stop hurting yourself, how hard can that be? Just stop obsessing over every little thing. For god’s sake, don’t apply enough insect repellent to get intoxicated or worry about every little bug around you until you’re unable to do anything except trying to get rid of them, what’s wrong with you? Just let go, be happy! Not to mention the crippling, ever-present GUILT for not being able to do so. For years. And even now, the doctor just told me the fact and sent me off. She never tried to discuss with me what part of my habits, feelings and thoughts might be OCD related, to the point where I still feel like I made it all up and one thing has nothing to do with another. Some part of me is relieved – there’s a reason for all of this. It takes me closer to embracing myself. Another part still feels like I was ditched in a dead end with no directions out. I have no idea what “type” of OCD I have and how to figure it out, and no one seems to care enough to try and help me understand. This was long and angsty, so thank you so much if you took the time to read my senseless rambling. Just desperately felt like I needed to share ♥️

Many times i feel like ocd is just a label that i use for anything and even real problems. The idea that we just ignore everything and dont think about it is not possible cause if you have a problem and that problem generates thoughts and feelings, you have to work on it. Cause how do you know if thats ocd or not? We say we dont try to figure it out, but if its generated because of a real problem, how we know if its something we leave there or we have to work on it. I will give you many exemples, my problem is now with my sexual needs. It got strong cause one day i just lost control and i engaged in some sexual thoughts and that made the sexual need stronger. So this is a real problem right? Its clear that i have to work on it, now i noticed that the sexual need got to a point where it gave me feelings about things that are really bad, basically what pocd is about, and you can say its ocd, but i have a real problem which is repressed sexual needs, and how do i know that it didnt got that bad that it gives me those feelings? Its easy to say its ocd cause i dont like it but i heard stories that there were some who didnt wanted to do it but still did it to relase the feeling. Another exemple, i say i have harm ocd and suicidal ocd, but what i experienced now was what i read before about suicidal people, i got angry at my family, i felt like i dont get attention, so i had thoughts aboit something bad happening to me so than i would get attention. It even jumped in my mind when i was so angry that if i would die they would feel bad now that they didnt gave me attention, and these are very similar to people who do self harm to get attention. When i shared this to my therapist she said im like these people, cause i want attention. Maybe the attention part is true, but i dont want to harm myself to get attention... Many times these suicidal, self harm thoughts are very similar to real suicidal thoughts, cause the whole situation is like its actually real cause im angry or im sad because of something, i feel a little hopeless for a second and because all these situations i cant say its just ocd, ignore it... For me its like there are signs that might show that these are actually real feelings and thoughts and then i spin over it. And about religious ocd, i spin about sin, we all have sins and we will never be free from them, so when i sin i feel shame and sometimes i dont know if its real sin or ocd, but i just cant say its ocd when i know i have a sin battle, but then accepting that i did sin just makes me tired mentally cause this is happening alot now...

I’m just feeling so freaking upset. I’m constantly having to talk myself down from panic attacks and self-sabotage. I’ve suffered with the same theme(s) for YEARS at this point and I’m just done I’m just so sick of it. And, I’m so freaking scared for when me and my boyfriend get married and have children because I want children so bad but I can’t even be off my meds for a week let alone 9+ months (my medication can’t be taken during pregnancy). I’m also scared because I feel awful that my boyfriend will be “stuck” with me once we get married. My OCD wants me to confess my innermost (obsessive) thoughts and feelings to him. Reality is blurred, when I have these flare-ups I’m sick to my stomach worried I may have done something bad and I’m constantly ruminating on whether I did or not. I just want this feeling to leave, and knowing that this is a persistent theme that I may deal with for a much longer time just makes me want to cry. I’m so afraid of hurting my boyfriend or having already hurt him, and it’s the same with everyone else in my life. And, I am Catholic, and the sacrament of confession for me gives me so many mixed emotions because it’s healing for me but at the same time I have to be so careful of what I say so I don’t start confessing as a compulsion, but then afterwards my OCD tells me I’m just not confessing because I’m guilty and I know it. I’m so so sick of this. I didn’t sleep last night and I can tell I’m tired physically but emotionally I’m too anxious to rest so I took some Benadryl and maybe it’ll help me fall asleep. But I just maybe need someone to talk to on this post.

I think I have harm OCD, along with many other types of OCD. I have a call set up with a therapist on here tomorrow. I’ve been scared for practically my whole life to reach out for help, because I’m just embarrassed and don’t want anyone to think I’m crazy. My OCD started with hair pulling at a young age, but into adulthood has turned into so many things. The most distressing one being harm OCD, which presents as a fear of knives (I keep them all put up and hidden and never use them, they are gifts so I can’t throw them out or I would) as well as fear of being schizophrenic, having a psychotic break, or a demon possessing me as silly as that may sound. The demon thing started when I decided I wanted to be Christian, and now I’m scared of saying something and thinking god won’t like me anymore. It causes me a lot of distress and nobody I know understands it. Just wanted to know that there is more people out there like me, I feel so alone even surrounded by the people that “know” me the most.

Last year, I lost my dad. I completely lost it and had to be put on antipsychotics and depression meds. I’m currently on Vraylar which is supposed to help with most of my diagnoses including OCD (according to my doc). She’s been trying to get me into CBT and read a 70 dollar book (my adhd makes it hard to focus so I struggle with reading); it’s not a favorite past time of mine because of that and my dyslexia. I’ve lost my ability to drive unless my wife is with me (she’s my safe person) and same goes for leaving the house. I can’t make myself drive or leave the house without a support human. My doc says CBT therapy will help but I’m so nervous that I’m going to be stuck like this forever. I rarely drove before my dad died but I did drive and since his passing, I can’t bring myself to do it. I get so many intrusive thoughts that I’m going to kill myself or others by driving. I’ve been in 3 accidents alone in my suv and so it’s not like I shouldn’t be worried (only one accident was my fault due to not checking my blind spot for reference). I’m an extremely careful driver but I think of all the worst ways it could go bad. Has anyone else dealt with this and has CBT helped? Are you driving or doing the things you used to be able to do again? If so, how did you do it? I’m at a loss here and my wife keeps pushing me to drive but I can’t force myself to do it. I get to the front door and I can’t leave the house even with keys in hand. Sorry for the novel but this is what I’ve been dealing with for the last almost year or so.

OK, hear me out. I know OCD -> Obessions -> Compulsions -> Relieve anxiety -> Repeat. I say Pink Elephant. You automatically think of a Pink Elephant. 🐘 Because you're reading it, I've more or less placed it in your head. (Sorry!) But the bit I don't get are the hyperthetical thoughts. How the brain creates them. Why it creates them? Example: So you could be looking out the bus window on your way to work and get the thought of a Pink Elephant trampling you to death. Random. But wait. Nobody mentioned a Pink Elephant. There was absolutely no reference. How does the brain invent such an mage? Why does it invent this image? You see what I'm saying?

My first post on this forum. I just need to vent a bit. I have been dealing with OCD for about 10 years. I probably relapsed about 20 times now. Most recently 2 months ago for no particular reason other than becoming a father a month earlier which i guess was some kind of positive stress that triggered me. And this time our friend is really having a go with me. Especially now i am on vacation and have nothing much to do in the mornings which causes anxiety so severe i threw up in the first hour of waking up 2 days in a row now. I'm doubting every last od my positive feelings. Am i suicidal, how is my family going to feel if i kill myself, is it ever going to be better, how can i take care of my kid if i'm like this, am i going to throw up every day now? I started going to CBT last month in adsition to my 100 mg of SSRI . Hope it gets better soon ffs 😮‍💨

i've always loved kids and they bring me so much joy and light and laughter into my life, i was an infant teacher at a daycare for years before going to college. i've always wanted a family , a husband, kids, a cat (already have my baby boy kitty witty), a nice dog or two in a nice house with a job i love or to stay at home with the kids blah blah blah . now that i've been struggling with HOCD i'm terrified. i'm scared that if i have children one day i'm gonna go into psychosis and act on intrusive thoughts which i would never ever ever ever do but it's a scary feeling . it has made my whole view on my future change so drastically. im scared of having kids now even tho it was my dream for so long. when i was a kid if anybody asked what i wanted to be when i grew up i would say "a mommy" . it's just kind of annoying. anyone else struggling with this ?

I’ve been taking Zoloft for 5 and 1/2 weeks. The first two weeks were 25mg and up to 50mg when upped in the dose I felt my mind quite down more for about a week. I’ve had so many themes of OCD from harm, SO, Existencial. For about 3 months I’ve had really bad depression and my OCD is really just hyper focusing on my depression mainly because I hadn’t felt this bad in over 4 years. I thought I had OCD beaten and it destroys me the fact that it came back with a vengeance. I’ve also obsessed over the fact that I can’t sleep at times which feeds the viscous cycle. Anyway back to the Zoloft, I’ve been in 50mg for 3 and half weeks and I honestly feel like ass my depression is bad. It never really went away but it’s bad now I also made the mistake to keep drinking alcohol which I swear to not take an other sip as long as I’m on this med. I don’t drink on the regular just when I would go out with my friends. anyone can relate in terms of the medicine ? Im really debating wether I should speak to my psychiatrist to discontinue the meds.

Is anyone else still really worried about Covid? I'd made a lot of progress last year, e.g., masking less, but now I've found out that Covid can cause long term organ damage and the impacts of each infection is cumulative, so you're more likely to get long Covid with each infection? On top of that, I've been on a lot of Novid/covid conscious forums and a lot of people are saying if you don't mask everywhere you're engaging in eugenics, so now I feel like I've made a mistake in reducing my masking??? I'm just worried most of all that I'm gonna cause long term damage to/kill someone, especially because my mum has copd :( I wish I had a clear answer as to what the right thing to do is, but obviously it hasn't been long since covid was discovered, so there's still so much we don't know

Hi everyone. I (30F) have been struggling with “fear of schizophrenia” OCD for a very long time now. This theme certainly comes in waves for me, but even when I'm not experiencing it acutely, it is always in the back of my mind. I feel like I can never truly plan for anything because soon I will be psychotic, so it won't matter anyway. I live my life in constant, abject terror that I am indeed becoming schizophrenic. At this point, I truly think that I am. Before I go further, I will mention that I have extreme health OCD, as well as some harm OCD and contamination OCD. Prior to this year, I used to think I had every deadly illness in the book. I used to go to the ER for every ache and pain, for every sensation that felt unusual to me. I worked through a lot of that but I cannot seem to apply those same skills to this theme. This started in 2020 when I had a strange thought like "what if there are cameras?" and while I KNEW that there weren't, the fact that I had such a thought at all made me fear that I was becoming psychotic. I later started paying more attention to my mind pops and hypnagogic hallucinations and it has been downhill from there. Still, I had kept this fear to myself and under wraps for years until December of 2023. I woke in the middle of the night and as I was scrolling on reddit, I noticed a post to the tune of "What is the scariest fact you know about the human mind?" and the top one was about dementia. Someone had linked a free cognitive test called MindCrowd to test for dementia or mild cognitive impairment. I decided to take it and, being half asleep, scored miserably on it. I decided I was too young for dementia so this was definitely the onset of schizophrenia. Since then, I have taken dozens of cognitive tests and scored very very well on them, including up to about 3 days ago. I do not have cognitive impairment. I am still intellectually and cognitively intact. I have no family history of schizophrenia or any psychotic disorder (although OCD runs in my family). I have OCD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have a lot of symptoms that make me believe that I am entering psychosis. I'll list them below: **Pareidolia -** This one is the one that is the most distressing to me right now. See r/pareidolia for examples of what I am talking about. At some point in the past, I read that pareidolia is a symptom of schizophrenia. For a few years now, whenever I think of this fact, I become vigilant of facial patterns in things. I am at such a point of hypervigilance about pareidolia right now that no matter what I look at, I can guarantee that I will be able to find a face pattern in it. I am usually actively thinking about pareidolia prior to it happening. If I were heavily distracted, I would most likely not notice it at all. I notice it in everything now. This is one of the most distressing symptoms ever. **Mind pops and brain chatter -** it feels like I have a mental radio. Particularly when it's quiet or I'm anxious, I "hear" a lot of chatter in my head. This can range from the sound of a crowded area in my head (I don't ACTUALLY hear it; I know it's in my head) to random words and phrases like "Tina Tuna" or "dinnertime", etc. I also have songs playing in my head almost constantly. I don't like to sit in silence because of these phenomena. I usually have music or a podcast playing. **Hypnagogic/hypnopompic Hallucinations -** these are heard right as I'm falling asleep. Could be bits of conversation. They disappear when I wake up. **Closed Eye Visuals -** Occur when I'm falling asleep, especially if I'm extremely tired. Can pretty much be anything. **Weird thoughts -** I think this one I do to myself. I'll have a super fucked up thought like "I wonder what kind of music my cat would listen to if he could like music?" and then be like "what the fuck, why did I think that?" **Constant hypervigilance -** Making sure I didn't see or hear something that wasn't there. Asking for reassurance from loved ones that they also saw or heard what I saw or heard. **Brain Fog -** I think this might be stress related but there are times when I become so stressed from my anxiety that I feel like I have no thoughts left in my head. **Afterimages -** Sometimes if I look at brightly-coloured things like lights, I'll see an afterimage of it for a few seconds. *I went to the hospital at the beginning of this week for all of this and an ER doctor, a mental health nurse, and a psychiatrist all told me that I categorically and completely do not have schizophrenia or any prodrome of it.This should have been reassurance enough but it is not. I don't think anything is. I am terrified that I will lose my mind and hurt the people I love. That is my biggest fear in the world. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to live a simple, quiet life with my wife and my cats. I love them so much and I never want anything bad to happen to them. I hate that this is happening to me. I have seen so many stories on this sub about people whose symptoms essentially mirrored mine. Based on post history, a lot of people recovered from this theme. I just can't seem to. This is the worst my OCD has ever been. I can't take medication because I have had horrific experiences in the past on medication. I spend probably 8-10 waking hours a day thinking about schizophrenia, googling, testing myself (such as with the Mask Illusion, which I do still fall for btw), doomscrolling on Reddit, seeking reassurance from basically everyone, asking my family and friends if I seem psychotic, asking if they heard noises or saw things that I had, etc. I have nightmares about it when I sleep. I feel like I’m going to die from the anxiety this is causing me. Last night, I barely slept because I kept dreaming of pareidolia. I’m at the point of feeling like if I stepped outside and got hit by a truck, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing cause I could finally stop worrying about schizophrenia. So, am I schizophrenic? Or is this illness anxiety and OCD? Can OCD trick you into thinking you’re psychotic?

I honestly felt terrible this morning. My OCD has been getting really loud over the last few days and I had a massive relapse this morning :( I was stressing out and worrying that I might have done something harmful or terrible to someone I love and the thoughts kept looping around in my mind. I was struggling with this since Saturday night and I had a chat with my mum about it this afternoon and I felt really worried and emotional. I had to ask her for reassurance even though I explained to her that reassurance is not good for me. She was really hesitant at first to give me the answer, but I carried on asking until I got it and she finally gave me the answer and I did feel relief after it. I know this is a win for the vicious cycle of OCD:( I was doing so well on my journey to recovery so I feel like I have let myself down big time. I was 3 months without any compulsions or reassurance seeking. I know OCD relapses can happen. I would love to hear any advice or words of encouragement that anyone may have😊

I’m a woman in my 20’s. I always thought I didn’t want kids but as I get older I’m starting to feel like it is something I’d actually want to consider in the future maybe. There are 4 reasons though that make me feel like I can’t have children. 1. Feeling like there is something wrong with me, like what if I’ve done unforgivable things, what if I’m a freak. My husband and family would tell you this is OCD, but I couldn’t tell you that right now as I’m in the midst of feeling like everything is real. If I truly am an irredeemable freak then I can’t be a mother. 2. I am afraid to pass on my OCD and autism to children. I do believe people with OCD and autism can live full lives and I know because of my own experience I’d hopefully be able to spot it early and know how to get them help but what if they suffer the way I have 3. My safety anxiety and fear is bad enough when it comes to my family, I worry myself to death that they might get seriously ill or in an accident etc, how will I manage coping with those fears with my own children, especially when there is such an added responsibility to these anxieties because I’m the one looking after them. 4. What if pregnancy and postpartum messed with my hormones and brain so much that my OCD was triggered into an unliveable state. What if I’m susceptible to postpartum psychosis because I’m already mentally ill I hate what this illness has taken from me, I’ve spent most of my life feeling guilt and shame and unease, not knowing if I’m good or bad, doubting if I even have OCD. It breaks my heart that my future is going to be ruined too

Another kid in the neighborhood when I was 5, would molest me. I didn't like it. I went along with it. Laughed it off. When I did tell this kid that I didn't want to do that anymore, that she would get snide and insulting and this would go on all day as my mom watched this kid everyday after school. This kid was in the space where a best friend would be. They weren't a friend. Still, as much ss I didn't want her in my life, I would simultaneously worry about her not being my friend anymore, or about her turning other kids against me and I would act out in frightened ways. Telling the other kids not to listen to her. That she liked to say mean things about me. Then I'd freak out that she would find out that I told them that and so I'd try to cover my tracks by saying to her that those kids say things that aren't true. I felt like a sleazy liar, as I was. I was a coward and handled it all horribly. However, when I was with a friend that had nothing to do with her, I was a completely different person. No worries. Just a nice time spent together. However, she sabotaged that friendship by making me feel sorry for her as she wanted to be the other one's friend and I was made to feel guilty about being the other one's friend. That ended horribly. As I grew up I felt very distrusting and paranoid of any romantic relationship and paranoid of other close friend relationships being destroyed. My worst time with OCD was as an adolescent and when my mom was very ill. That's when I had horrible visions and fears of causing harm by just doing simple things. For exampl, if I step on that crack my whole family will go to hell, so I'd have to avoid the cracks even the lines around tiles. Or if I don't humiliate myself right now by for example, raising my hand in class for no reason, or worse humiliation the same thing will happen. Those things lightened up as my mother got better and adolescents passed. However it lingers. It gets in the way of what could be a much better life for myself and my loved ones. I wonder if my OCD was brought on by the situation with the kid my mom watched every day.

Ok so I'm 21 and turn 22 in August. Btw this might be a lil bit of a read but it'll be nice tho. So I have diagnosed Anxiety, CPTSD, and Bipolar 1 disorder. About a month and like 2 weeks ago I started having some really taboo intrusive thoughts. I've always been highly aware of myself and so searched up "Sexual intrusive thoughts" on Google. No wait before that I searched if intrusive thoughts were a symptom of Bipolar disorder. I came across a lot of articles about Bipolar OCD comorbidity. Basically a lot of people with bipolar are more likely to have OCD. I was like "wait what?? OCD?!? On whooooo??" Mind you I was thinking of the stereotypical OCD you see in movies. I was just thinking I don't have that so how? So in one of these articles it talked about the types of intrusive thoughts people with Bipolar OCD comorbidity can have and one of them were sexual and religious intrusive thoughts. I was blown away. I then searched "Sexual intrusive thoughts" on Google and realized holy shit I have OCD..oofie. I then went down the worm hole of obsessively searching all things OCD (which lol I found out was a compulsion searching and all) and realized I've had OCD for a while. Since I was a small tot for real for real. I've always had Pure OCD, but realized I have contamination OCD when it comes to being in and out of the shower, I used to but not anymore would always check if the stove switches were off. I've always thought about harm coming to my family and myself and would think up entire scenarios in my head for literally no reason. I obsessively think to the point where it physically tires me out. I get severe anxiety and literally will lose my asshole from just thinking to much. I've seen a lot of people comparing it to being trapped in your own head and it exactly how I feel. The things I hear, and see tend to trigger intrusive thoughts for me but especially the things I hear. I always thought noise cancelation headphones were for those with Autism but I find myself wishing I had a pair these days. I usually use music to drown out my thoughts and take me away from the world but once I stop listening all the thinking and thoughts come flooding back and I'm once again trapped in my own head. So yea idk. That's my sitch of a wation. If you relate or have feedback drop a comment. Also like share and sub to my YouTube channel. Hahaha nah jk I don't have a YouTube channel 😂 TL/Dr have a bunch of other mental stuff just realized I may have had OCD for the longest.

Hey everyone! I’m new here. I recently was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety, Depression and OCD ( Mixed obsessional Thoughts and Acts). I always knew something was wrong since I was younger. I was afraid to die by a natural disaster and obsessed with the weather. I remember being terrified that I had Cancer and my mom had to take me to the doctor several times and the doctor ran tests on me to prove I was okay. Over the past few years, my anxiety and worry has skyrocketed. Recently, I’ve had so much worry that sent me into a rabbit hole of googling and finding answers for my random thoughts. I worry so much that I’ve done something wrong or hurt someone. I will worry about one thing, let it go and worry about something else. Some of my thoughts keep me in the house. I recently started therapy and it has been helpful.

Some examples of my thoughts, images commands, feeling and sensations. Who relates to these? -stomach dropping making my chest tight -rapid heart beat/skipped beats -images of horrible scenerios like driving off a bridge or hurting someone or images of what me “snapping” would look like. -looking in the mirror and getting scared that my face will change into a demon face so I stop looking in the mirror. -looking too long at my son and having to look away so I don’t hallucinate a different face on him (even tho I’ve never hallucinated) -what if you’re a horrible monster and you’re going to off yourself -what if your husband and son are demons -you shouldn’t be left alone with your child in case you hurt them -images and scenerios of me texting my husband while he’s at work and telling him I’m killing our son and then myself (even tho I would literally never do this. It makes me sick to even type it on here) -what if you you have schizophrenia even though you’ve been professionally diagnosed (twice) with ocd -what if the ocd specialist was wrong and you don’t have ocd and you’re dangerous -what if you go into psychosis. -what if you are In psychosis right now -what if you were scared of your hands…?¿ this one is so weird lol -what if that bug isn’t real -what if you hear voices -kill them -they’re better off without you -you’ll never get better - you’re crazy. -this can’t be ocd it must be more -nobody else gets these thoughts and feeling -feelings of scared, worried, uncertain, intense anxiety -fears intensifying at night as I’m drifting to sleep -nonsense thoughts that don’t make ANY SENSE at all as I’m trying to fall asleep -what if you believe people are after you one day like a crazy person -what if you already believe this. What if you are delusional. The list goes on. I hope these help some of you feel not alone if you have them as well

Do you guys experience harm OCD homicidal, intrusive thoughts and suicidal thoughts the OCD feel so convincing in the urges feels so real that I feel like I’m turning into a psychopath. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for the past 10 years I found a new psychiatrist about five months ago he started me with TMS therapy. But is not working for me. He’s going to start me on ketamine to see if it will work for OCD, but these intrusive thoughts make me feel like a terrible person and I hope ketamine will work because I try a bunch of antidepressants, a bunch of antipsychotics and a bunch of mood stabilizers. Nothing is working. The homicidal intrusive thoughts are still there almost feels like I’m liking the thought which is very scary. I get really confused and I tell myself is this really OCD my psychiatrist told me that a psychopath wouldn’t worry about that intrusive thoughts about killing or he wouldn’t get help but I don’t know. I hate OCD. I wish i was never have it.

So lately I've been able to control OCD after a long time. If I have a harm intrusive thought or image, I just let it go. By doing this, I am able not to feel anxiety with these intrusive thoughts, and therefore improving over time. But sometimes I start to feel anxious for not feeling anxious with these thoughts. It's like: "If I don't feel anxiety with these awful harm thoughts/images, does that mean I want to do them??" It drives me crazy. Also, as I tend to have intrusive thoughts and sudden images at some point everyday, I think "what if maybe it is not OCD, but another kind of mental issue? What if I don't treat myself and I go crazy over time? What happens if I think I'm improving, but I'm not?" Anyone feeling this way as well?