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I started lexapro a week ago and I feel that it’s making my anxiety worse. Does anyone have experience taking lexapro? Did you notice the same? Thanks!

i feel like no matter how hard i try to explain how i am feeling about my current thoughts, im just overthinking everything. if i start to feel bad i get intrusive thoughts that im lying to myself or doing it for attention. its so hard to ask for help when im the inly one having a strong reaction. im not sure if that makes sense but i don’t know what else to do.

Please, please, please help me name this if you can. Also, no trigger warning because it is not very graphic, however, I do detail compulsions in this post. This is an obsession and source of compulsions I have struggled with all of my life, and undoubtedly the strongest one. A brief explanation: I experience obsessions, compulsions, paranoid feelings and severe anxiety over the idea of some unknown being, in my home, being a threat to myself. Triggers: Doors, corners, the dark, being alone, depictions of eyes, noises. Intrusive thoughts: Scary figure, threats of violent physical harm to myself (not caused by myself), helplessness. specifically, it occurs with the concept of the space behind things I can’t see through; things like corners, shower curtains, and doors. I always feel as though I am being watched in my own home, even though I don’t believe I am; I always feel as though I am about to be attacked, and sometimes I fixate on different ways I might be attacked. Basically, I never feel safe because this is always in my mind and manifests in different ways. For example: If I have to open a door, at any time, in my own home, I will suddenly have the powerful intrusive thought of some ambiguous threatening figure, which feels like a character from a horror movie. I imagine it waiting for me on the other side and then I have to build up my own courage to open doors, go through thought processes, look around corners, check if I’ve locked the front and back door, and shower with the curtain open (and door locked), and sometimes I can’t even bring myself to overcome it. I am terrified of home intrusion, is that part of it? It also occurs alongside my symmetry obsession. I have to put blankets over any empty spaces like the space under the door and completely close my window curtains (even then, I don’t feel safe.) Also, if I have decorations in my home with eyes, I have to cover them all with sticky notes. I never feel safe in my own home. I never experience this in public. Fixating on being attacked in my own home by something always occurs alongside the compulsions. Ex: I might be alone and get the intrusive thought of someone stabbing me, and then, I can’t get it out of my mind. My anxiety immediately spikes, and if I hear any small noises at all, it could send me into a panic attack. Sometimes a noise is what triggers it too; if i hear any noise in my own home that I didn’t cause, I immediately feel like I am about to die. I always have to have my back to a wall in my home in some way, and even then, I just FEEL like something scary is in the space around me. It is pretty debilitating and I usually call my boyfriend so that I don’t feel alone at home, but I can’t always depend on him. Does any of this sound familiar at all? It would be a huge help to me if anyone could relate to this or even just help me categorize it.

Okay, so I’m freaking out because I don’t know if I’m spiraling or ruminating or if I actually am not in love. I was in a relationship for seven years. We were together from 18-24. I broke up with him because we grew apart, we had very different life goals, we had different beliefs, and we had different views. The breakup was so intense, so traumatic, and so devastating. We had a dog together and had lived together for five years. I ended up having to block him on everything because he was being abusive (emotionally and on rare occasion physically). He ended up taking our dog, and I haven’t seen either of them in about eight months. The relationship was traumatic and so difficult on my mental health. I became depressed and struggled through insane anxiety. I’ve always had general anxiety disorder, but it became worse towards the end. Current day, I’ve been in a relationship with the sweetest man in the whole world for the last six months. I love him dearly, and I can see myself marrying him one day. However, my ROCD has been so difficult. It’s been so intense some weeks, then for a couple weeks it’s totally fine? However, the last couple days I’ve been so stressed because I feel like I don’t love my partner. I feel that I love him, but I’m not in love with him. Sometimes I feel things that I felt in my last relationship that I feel with my current partner, and it’s a huge trigger. I don’t know if it’s because I am not in love with him, or if it’s because my anxiety is in flight mode. I don’t know what to do. I feel sick to my stomach. It’s in my dreams, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want to end things because he’s literally perfect, and I don’t want to hurt him. I want to be able to just feel in love with him. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. Is this just the norm? Is it normal to feel like you love someone but you’re not in love with them? I have no idea. I’m so scared. Someone please help me. :(

Hi. my name is Ally, im 18 and im in my last year of high school. i've always been in and out of therapy, but I've never been able to get to the route of the problems i have. I constantly fear talking about things like this, but here i go. -horrible thoughts of things such as rape, pedophilia, beastiality and incest popping into my head randomly (NOT URGES !!!!) and coming up in my dreams. -expecting the worst outcomes -believing that my actions control what will happen next in my life (if i dont do this specific thing, i will die or someone in my family will die) -intrusive thoughts and dreams that feel so real i believe it actually happened. i dont mean to intrude, this is a very safe space for people who suffer with OCD. i just feel i have no where else to turn. does this sound like ocd? something else? please if you can, i cant live thinking and feeling this way anymore, please help me.

I’m 4months post partum. I have anxiety, depression and OCD intrusive thoughts. One month ago, I had no idea what was going on with me. I was sure I was losing my mind and going completely crazy. But, luckily I found information end of February what was going on with me (OCD harm, post partum, inappropriate intrusive thoughts) I’m working with a post partum counselor that is trained in ocd intrusive thoughts. But I’m here because I feel that I need something more, or maybe to find a better fit. I receive my first call tomorrow with this app.. wish me luck. Also Im also on medication, anyone else? It seems it got better not a whole lot.. it’s only been 3 weeks. Thanks for reading and remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE ❤️ we will get through this. Much love from the desert 🌵

so i believe in God and i’m gay. anytime i ever do anything that has to deal with me and another many or thinking of it or anything i feel like God is upset with me, something bad is going to happen; or since my thoughts have died down i think maybe my thoughts will come back or they will happen. i was wondering if this fall into religious OCD or if anyone else out there deals with this like i do?

Hi guys I'm new to this but I thought I would tell you what I'm currently going through and just get some advice. Lately I have been feeling like I am going insane, I'm scared that I am going to start hearing voices so I'm paying extra attention to everything to make sure I heard it. I once sat in silence for 15 minutes to make sure I wasn't hearing anything. I feel as if I am so hyperaware of everything that is going around me and the sounds it make, like taps, kettles, washing machines and the wind. There was one day when it was really windy and my mind went "what if the wind was trying to tell you something" and I know that's ridiculous and it's not, but then I started thinking, this is what someone with schizophrenia would think and I started to question if I believed it too! Ultimately, the sound of the wind started to irritate me and I would play music just to drown it out or just try to ignore it (This also happened with the sound of water running). I'm also scared that I'm going to start seeing things, like I'd imagine it in my head and I know it's not there but my mind always goes 'what if it is there and what if this happens', so I always check just to make sure. I'm really scared that I might be going through psychosis or developing schizophrenia. I did a few online tests and it said I might be at risk and this just petrifies me. It's all I can think about, when I go outside for walks all I think it that I might be schizophrenic, or did I really see that? or did I really hear that? Sometimes I see things in the corner of my eye and I have to double check to make sure if it's there and it always ends up being nothing. Sometimes I feel paranoid, randomly I would think that someone is staring at me and I know they aren't but I always check just in case. While searching symptoms of psychosis and schizophrenia I feel as though I can relate to some of them and I get scared that I probably have it and doubting that it is OCD. I feel like this is effecting my way of life, I haven't had an appetite in weeks and always feel a tingling in my hands and legs, I just feel on edge. I feel like I'm zoning out, like everything seems a bit blurry as if I haven't been blinking. To avoiding thinking about this I would usually go sleep, listen to music or go on twitter, just anything to try and get away from my thoughts but lately it feels like I can't even enjoy these apps anymore. I have read some of the stories on the community and it does provide momentary relief, but before I fall asleep it's the last thing I think about and when I wake up its the first thing I think about. I am exhausted. Sorry if this is a long read, I just wanted to talk about it.

i had a fear of all social media that started in the beginning of the year which made me delete all my social media. I recently have been trying to work on it so i downloaded instagram and sat there just looking at it with my thumb over the app and then ended up deleting it after a few minutes never opening it. yesterday night i decided to do it again but this time logging on. i decided to scroll and saw this hinge that triggered me but kept scrolling pushing myself which lasted for 20 minutes. i ended up deleting the app and felt so guilty for even being on it. today i decided to do the same thing and have been on and off again. it didn’t bother me and i was like omg am i finally going to be normal. i had gotten a thought that then sparked my old thoughts and whenever i checked my phone i felt stuff happening down below which i like to say but i know it is groinal response which makes me even more anxious and confuses me so much cause it makes me then think you want these things to happen or whatever the case may be. i wanna download the app again cause i enjoyed having connection with people again. i then sat asking my friend did i do ERP which now i’m asking if i was doing ERP? i now sit here thinking i downloaded the app which means i wanted these things to happen or come true and ever since i’ve been on meds i don’t get anxious but i ruminate so much. can someone please explain to me what is going on?

I am new to OCD and struggle with ROCD and pure O. I know a lot of OCD treatment is about not trying to figure out the thing your OCD wants you to figure out but in this case I feel like I really need to. I dated my ex for over 5 years, with several break ups. When we were together I was often tortured by thoughts and feelings of not wanting to be with her or in the relationship, or at least explore other people. But when we broke up I would agonize over the possibility that I had made a mistake, and even though I wasn't happy in the relationship, maybe if I we could just fix a couple problems or I could fix whatever it was in myself that made me feel not happy in the relationship then it would be fine, so we always got right back together. I thought if I could just date around for a while I could figure out what I want. Well we broke up for 7 months and I hadn't really been feeling like I wanted to get back together but still didn't fully accept that we never would make it work. I had been casually dating around and found out that she had been with the same guy basically the whole time we had been broken up and I panicked and basically ended it with the person I was seeing and asked my ex to get back together. Fast forward a couple months and we broke up again, I found out I have OCD and can't stop thinking about the girl I dated before I got back together with my ex. So basically now I have no fuckin clue what to do, what I want and I'm terrified to keep messing everything up. How do I figure out what feelings are mine, and what is just obsessive fears and thoughts?

So, I wanted to know if, just in case I can't afford the therapy sessions here, is there any way to learn and apply ERP for yourself?

My ex and I broke up a few months ago.I learned his license plate number while we were dating as it was silly, and I had some joke about it with him. Anyways now I find my self checking license plates as cars drives by ( as I live on a small island ) worried I’ll see him. But like even cars that aren’t his make and model. Also… what does this even mean.

Any tips on how to regain sex drive/libido while suffering OCD? I have been suffering with sexual orientation OCD for around 3 months, and have lost complete grasp of my identity whatsoever. Constant sexual thoughts about guys creating a uncertainty in whether I am straight or gay. I have tried accepting that I am "gay" which in a way makes the thoughts feel justified to there existence ,however it doesn't sit right when i try place the thoughts of my actions on the people. The existence of these intrusive thoughts feels to have created a complete crash in my sex drive, creating more uncertainty in my life which I feel incapable of actually dealing with. How do I even know that it is OCD and not me just struggling to accept myself? Apparently that's something il never know, but coming to terms with this feels very scary and confusing. The fact that I have a girlfriend doesn't make this any better. Life truly flipped upside-down. And all I crave rn is to get my life back to a place where ik who I am.

I want to start by that I have no proper OCD diagnosis. I've got a GAD and ADHD. I downloaded this app because I've been suffering from horrid obsessive thoughts and somewhat mild compulsions for a while now. My thoughts are mostly fixated on my partner (what if I'll cheat on her or hurt her in some other way), and on my sexuality (I used to identify as a lesbian, but I don't label myself any longer because of said thoughts; the fears and obsessions are everything from porn preferences to thinking that I haven't found the right man to thinking that I'd never be complete without a man to that I'm leading a fake life). I love my partner, oh so much, but my thoughts are trying to convince me into thinking that we're not actually queer. It's worse because I've previously felt really proud of my identity; it feels like I'm losing a core part of myself. Feels like I'm drowning in these thoughts of uncertainity every single day. I'm afraid I'll hurt my girlfriend or somebody I love and the whole queer community with how I am and how I act. Less anxiety inducing things include leaving the door open or oven on, I've caught myself going back again and again to check if it's actually closed or off, even taking pictures and still worrying excessively over it even if I have proof on my phone. I also repeat certain sentences (like "I am really thankful for another day") in my head, because I feel as if I don't do that I'm actually wasting my life and will regret it when I'm dying. Death and illness are also a severe distress of mine; I've probably diagnosed myself with twenty different terminal illnesses, got them checked out but the worry never left me. Also seemingly surreal things like getting pregnant magically or from a toilet seat for example are included in these. For compulsions, I constantly beg for validation from my partner and my family. Some other things include checking back and forth, less that, it's more of mental begging and praying. I live in a small town, and we don't have any proper mental health services (unless they're very costy which I can't afford). This is why I'm not working towards a diagnosis on OCD. I'm not even sure I have OCD, I feel as if I'm begging for attention but I feel so, so anxious and defeated by my own head I had to write this down. So sorry if I'm taking up space where I don't belong, it's just that I feel slightly better after reading these posts and this app makes me feel validated. Thank you.

I’m sharing my story in hopes to find others who have gone through similar experiences or understand this, because I feel very alone with my ocd. I’ve had ocd for as long as I can remember, first memories of it was from when I was like 2 or 3 years old, and it just got worse as I grew up. I had “pure ocd” so I almost never showed outward signs of compulsions, nothing that wasn’t normal for my age group. No one knew I was struggling with this disorder, and I had no clue what ocd was, so I thought I must be just a terrible person. Around 6 years old, intrusive thoughts that I would end up k*lling my parents started, mainly from the normal childhood fear of being without them. This consumed me for every second of every day, I couldn’t get away from it. After two years of trying to prove to myself that this wouldn’t happen, which I never was able to prove, I saw my sister watching “cyber bully” movie, and I saw the $uicide attempt scene. This planted the idea in my head, that the only way I wouldn’t do all the terrible things my ocd was telling me, was to commit $uicide. I thought about walking into a hospital and telling them I was going to k*ll my parents so they could lock me away and prevent me from doing that. I developed a plan, once wrote a note and then got scared and threw it away, and one night I decided to try. I won’t get into details but I wasn’t hurt, I didn’t have the strength to do what I was trying to do. I would go to sleep crying almost every night because I was so terrified of myself. I was 100% convinced that I would become a serial k*ller, even though I didn’t want to. I started to think that I didn’t have control over my actions and my movements, and that even if I don’t want to, it will still happen, which only fueled my $uicidal ideations. Eventually I got over it all, aka I used every compulsion possible to push it out of my head, swore to myself I would never ever tell anyone that I had those thoughts. And those thoughts weren’t even the only intrusive thoughts I had, there were many more but this was one of the most distressing. I got through a very traumatizing middle school experience, which masked my ocd, and presenting with the other newest developed disorder, ptsd. I went through years of treatment and partial hospitalizations for depression and ptsd, and the first time I heard about ocd was when the intake lady said “this kind of sounds like obsessive compulsive $uicidal ideation” because attempting $uicide was the only thing I could think about, even though I didn’t really want to die. Though I did end up having multiple attempts, because the thoughts wouldn’t stop and all I wanted was a break from my own mind. I was addicted to self harm to cope with the constant swirl of obsessions. I did my own research, and finally, years later, at the age of 17, I was diagnosed with ocd after constantly asking if I had it. I started intensive outpatient treatment at a clinic that specializes in ocd. I could never have predicted how hard ERP is. I would get out of a session, and just ruminate about the next session and having so much anxiety just waiting. Between school and my lack of knowledge about ocd and my own ocd, I stopped intensive outpatient treatment, to be able to pass my classes. I start back again in later May, and honestly I’m terrified. One of the most scary parts is that I can’t tell if I’m doing it right, or if I’m making the progress they expect me to make, or if I’m going too fast, just somehow not doing it right. I end up ruminating about if I have ocd, or if I’m anxious enough, or if I’m not anxious, or if I’m faking ocd somehow, or if I’m not making progress even though I know I have considering I’m able to drive again, after being terrified for months. I don’t know how to comfort myself because seemingly every comfort I have is a compulsion. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better but it doesn’t feel that way. It kinda feels like you’re drowning, and instead of pulling you out of the water everyone is just pushing you deeper, telling you that somehow this is how you’ll be able to breathe. How do I live a life without ocd, what is that even like? Will I ever even recover from this? I’m so lost in it all, and usually I’m considered a “know it all” but I could not know less about my own illness which is stressful in itself. I have left out many details but if I wrote it all, this would be a 100 page essay. If anyone has any advice, or encouragement, or just really anything, please share.

I didn’t know I had OCD until this year but I’ve know from a young age that I have disordered eating habits. My cousin thought I was anorexic when I was 7 but at that point I just had ADHD and my appetite couldn’t hold my attention. My life kinda stayed that way, very unintentional, but always commented on, until I was 12 or 13, and grasped the concept of body image and what food intake meant for it in the early 2000’s. I learned to count calories at 15. It wasn’t all the time. My ADHD was going untreated so I guess I would hyperfixate for a while and then lose interest. Looking back, my OCD has had steady, overarching themes that live in the background until the ADHD part of me craves the stimulation from them and latches on. Morality, existentialism, crisis prevention, lack of control. When I feel like I have no control, I start restricting food intake. When I perceive a crisis situation, I act accordingly and then catalogue minute details so that I might preempt the next one. When I feel amoral, I ask for reassurance. When I can’t get a grip on reality or think of how boring the afterlife sounds, I ruminate, because who can reassure me when the answers lie with the dead? Everything went out the window when I had my first kid. All of it. Like starting from scratch. Except. I vowed to never let my disordered eating affect my children. I fucked up in the first week. My baby had lost weight because I was starving myself and trying to exclusively breastfeed. I fixed the problem. A crisis situation, and I’m good at reacting, even if I suck at preventing. I ate, I drank, I supplemented formula until I didn’t need to anymore. But now I was checking. Every day, putting my baby on a scale, logging numbers, feeding times, naps, spit-ups, diaper changes, convinced my spouse to get an echo dot so I could log feeding times hands-free. Logging my own meals and fluid intake and pumping sessions. Watching my child’s growth chart on the app as though it would change moment by moment. When I stopped having to supplement formula, I was probably overproducing, but baby didn’t think so. Started outright rejecting the formula and seemed to want to nurse 24/7, even after introducing food. I had succeeded, but I was still checking. After going from the 63rd percentile at birth to the 6th, in his first week of life, my child reached the 97th percentile for growth by 8 months old. I did it. There was nothing more to check. But had I overdone it? That felt like a dangerous thought. All I did was augment my milk supply. The rest of the time I went by baby’s appetite. He sure did spit up a lot from months 3-5. But that was because I was doing both breastmilk and formula, right? I started going round and round in my head to find something to confirm. Solid proof that I had not overdone it. Doctors approval at visits did nothing for me. Didn’t trust those fuckers at the time, because I’d TOLD them I had history of disordered eating. I’d TOLD them I was scared of how it would affect my baby. They just said my body wouldn’t limit milk production based on calorie intake. (So for anyone struggling with that, YOUR BODY WONT PRIORITIZE FEEDING A BABY IF IT THINKS YOU ARE DYING. So if you’re starving yourself you won’t make milk. Maybe this is common sense for people without eating disorders, but I was up front about mine, and it took a long time for me to stop holding my doctors responsible for my failings. I drank like a liter of Gatorade and then filled it with water after and drank that too, every day. Easy calories to start and then the more you nurse, the less you can ignore your appetite) Anyway, I was at this point and already had been, inflicting my disordered eating habits on my child. That was the only thing I knew without a doubt. For his entire first year of life, checking his weight, logging his food, checking his weight chart in the app religiously. It seemed so normal. The doctor recommended I track his weight daily when he was diagnosed with “failure to thrive.” Failure. This child couldn’t fail at anything. One week old. There was nothing that he was supposed to do on his own. The source of a “failure” is the person on whom responsibility falls. So aligned with what I always see clearest in my mind: my failure. And I was doing it again. I put the scale away. Deleted the app. Stopped drinking Gatorade every day and stopped tracking my food and water. One way or another, I was being led by my child’s appetite now. I set up a snack cabinet that he could reach and showed him how to get a snack and bring it to be opened. Nursing only on his time. Lunch and dinner whenever I thought of it, or when he showed interest. And now he’s 3. And he has a brother. And I don’t know how to find a happy medium. They need stricter routine and so do I and so does my spouse, but I’m so afraid of taking it too far. My spouse had a manic/psychotic episode last year and got diagnosed bipolar 1. He’d been having cyclical anger management issues for about a year and a half that I’d chalked up to my fault and having to do with my own cycles, but the cycle started shrinking steadily the more stress he was under. Then I got pregnant again. It was happening almost weekly and I knew it wasn’t me by now, but when his disorder is in control, he speaks with the words of my own. It was really hard to deal with. He took it too far once. There are places my doubts can’t touch, and he spoke his venom on my child, in front of my child. I made him cry. I was so mean to him. I laid into him with every vulnerability he’d ever shared. Every insecurity. Shamed him. He deserved it then. I want to feel bad, but I don’t to this day. There was no delusion to hide behind, only his abhorrent behavior and lackluster emotional regulation, suddenly a crystal clear pattern. Because by then, I knew what tantrums looked like. I calmed down enough to deescalate and we agreed he needed to get help. He did. His doctor put him on an antidepressant and it sent him straight into mania. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. Now my OCD has its claws in something it never did before, and I experienced so much trauma that I don’t know what is rational and healthy coping behavior half the time. But it is so apparent that part of it is not, because up to this point, I’d gone my whole life undiagnosed. I’m scared to take the actions I need to get our family back on the path to stability because I am afraid I will create an unsustainable system, or that it will be sustainable but my spouse won’t adhere to it, cause stress that could send my spouse into an episode. Worst of all, I worry that he doesn’t or shouldn’t love me, that I am always making things worse for him, and by extension, our kids. Just venting, but if anyone has advice I’m open.

i woke up this morning with anxiety and i started spiraling and i had to continuously tell myself that i’m okay and i’m fine which i feel as if i’m doing it over and over again. my ocd is telling me that since it’s been a few good days that i want all of these things to happen and be real. im hoping to be able to move forward after this morning. does anyone else get like this or feel this way or is it just me?

Ok so I’ve started ERP about a month ago. It’s been really tough and I think I’m a little resistant to the work BECAUSE it’s so anxiety inducing. Although I don’t want to be. Could someone please clarify for me what the eventual goal with ERP is? I had thought the responses were supposed to help me “accept” the thoughts, aka feel relief. Now I believe I was using them as a compulsion. It can feel so shitty to sit with the intrusive thoughts, I don’t understand how to do that yet. I worry that it will never get better. Also one thing I really struggle with is believing my thoughts are 100% real. Makes it hard to accept. Makes me feel like a shitty person. Does anyone have any advice?

I think since I suffer from ocd in several forms daily that maybe I could find possible her as well with the same type of behavior but is different issue that your typical ocd types but I am severally struggling with body repetitive disorder type or skin picking hair pulling it's no well heard of as far as I've seen in my research but it stems off of anxiety alot and is my imideiate response to self sooth or calm myself even when I'm unaware I've been doing and no I've always picked and been scolded constantly if I was caught as a kid it never even registered on my radar as like a thing or habit to me that I have actually been doing all my life .when I do e into a deep very dangerous iv drug addiction after going through some severe long term abuse I did the stereotypical tweaker picking thing that everyone assumes u must be doin if you have sores around your body.but it wasn't a frequent issue or habit.but after being clean and not being into picking at all for the last 4 yrs I randomly started doing it again but more regularly then spend way longer doing it hours and if alone when I'm doing that I've had two e now where I start to become delusional and my hypochondria jumps in and I start having thought that I think I'm seeing things like on my skin or hair and it escalates into paranoia to the point I think I might have a fungal or parasite causing the wierd flaws I'm seeing on my skin and I just desperately then want anything on me that looks out of the norm to me to be gone like I need to get rid of all the infection I think I might be seeing it sounds crazy now me typing it but I do have bipolar PTSD bpd ocd major depression and see a therapist but I don't feel like she knews how to help with that area of mental health or even ocd I have to find help I have already a couple's year ago was put in ICU and almost died from a picking area getting infected and I ended up with blood poisoning I can't put my body through that again my immune system has suffered since please help me I feel so alone and embarrassed.......thank u

I'm a girl interested in men and I've had a close female friend for about 10 years now When we were younger, we used to like exactly the same things and bond over them. I'm older than her, so I kinda took the role of the "older sister" - listening to her vent, help her find a school and so on Now she's sort of drifting away and having her own interests and stuff, while I feel like I'm stuck in place and with nowhere to go About a month ago my SOOCD started and I immidetaly started to think about her because we are/were besties. The thought that triggered it was "Jesus I'm acting with her like we're platonic lovers or something" Through this period I isolated myself from her and I'm morbidly scared that I've ruined a great friendship My OCD makes me think over and over about whether this is some kind of platonic/QPR type of relationship that I wasn't aware of my whole life or just a friendship I couldn't keep myself from googling and I think it may be closer to something platonic. The thing is that I don't want any platonic relationship with her or any girl. It affects my thinking about boys, because when I see a attractive guy my thoughts immidetaly jump to "what if you love your bestie and would ruin your boyfriend's life" I'm trying not to break my friendship so I write messages to her from time to time (before the SOOCD I used to do it literally 24/7) and I'm super anxious about the future. I can't write to her normally without any weird feelings now, and when I don't talk to her I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose her. I feel jealous when she goes out with other friends, everything reminds me of her somehow and I can't move on with my day I feel like I should end this because of all these thoughts. Or at least limit my contact with her to just make her one of my many friends. But I'm just so afraid of whatever may happen and what if I ruin a beautiful friendship? I'm writing this to vent, but also I wanna know if anybody had a similar experience and how it affected your life. Thank you in advance