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the NOCD Community

Does anyone else think of their ocd as like, a separate entity? I do, and I think it’s helped me a lot. I feel like it kind of is a parasite sometimes, especially with intrusive thoughts. What do you guys think?

I’m looking for an exposure to do when I see my partner and don’t feel physically attracted to him. I used to use photos when I was picking up on particular features on his face. They were very useful, but now they are no longer as distressing for me. I am now getting more distressed as a whole seeing his face rather than particular features. Any suggestions?

I am 21 and just received an OCD diagnosis. I go through phases of intense obsessions and compulsions, usually involving panic attacks. My last severe obsession was health related, and my current obsession centres on my relationship — an intense fear that I secretly do not love my partner and an overwhelming urge to escape the relationship. I remember when I was a child, my obsession was a fear of violence: every stranger felt to me like a threat, and so I compulsively avoided danger in various ways (walking in zig zag line, crossing the street multiple times on my way home.) Receiving a diagnosis, while scary, has been a true relief. Finally, I understand myself a bit better. I understand why I can’t let go of thoughts that I logically know are ridiculous. I understand why my panic is not a 30 minute episode, but prolonged, lasting days. I understand what the work ahead of me is. Though flare-ups are some of the most painful experiences I have been through (psychologically exhausting, and physically sickening), I am feeling hopeful. While I continue to work on ERP and mindfulness, I am aware of how much more control I am gaining over my attention. I am realizing that this is an illness treated by learning to listen to others, regulate my mind, and choose peace. Once I have the space to apply those skills beyond my immediate obsessions, I feel I will be an all around better person for it. I don’t mean at all to say that this illness is a blessing — I do not consider it advantageous by any stretch. That being said, the only joy I ever find during these difficult episodes are when I feel hopeful. If anybody has any victories, big or small, that they would like to share, I would love to hear them. Hope is a powerful tool. Community is a powerful tool. I hope everyone else learning to manage this illness can use them to our advantage.

I only recently was diagnosed with OCD and have started my journey which I am proud of, but am struggling with finding balance because of the dissonance between my work responsibilities and ERP. I have been attracted to the career I am in because I care about doing right by others, and I have a passion for helping leaders create a healthy environment for the people on their teams. I also of course like clear expectations, writing and following rules, so educating on policies and procedures is a strong suit. Unfortunately, I am just recently learning that a big theme for my OCD includes moral scrupulosity and it has opened my eyes to see why I have struggled so much mentally the past year. I work in HR as a team relations specialist which means I make recommendations on how managers should address issues with their teams, i investigate employee concerns or allegations, and also advocate for team members when they are being treated unfairly. Additionally my job involves doing nonstop documentation of the content of every call we have, every email received and sent to us etc. we then have to save them as files and write notes summarizing each file or piece of correspondence and key information from it. (There is very much the mindset of there being no such thing as too much documentation at my company) I have noticed that since taking this job a little over a year ago, I have not been ok. I love the work I do and the good moments where I feel like I helped someone. I also love that the company and managers put so much weight on doing the right things, but the expectations put on those of us in the roles also feeds my OCD and reinforces my compulsions like getting reassurance that my thinking is right, ruminating, or checking and rechecking. It also gives strength to the arguments OCD makes to me about needing to analyze excessively to make sure I am not missing anything, or that I am not mistakenly engaging in cognitive biases and factoring them into my recommendations. Since I have a large influence over how situations with team members are handled my OCD emphasizes this and convinces me that if I do not do my job adequately or make a compelling argument, I am doing a disservice to the team members I support.....but so does the HR leadership at the company. It is consistently emphasized that we are expected to be the ultimate moral voice in every circumstances and that we are responsible for remaining 100% objective in guiding leaders on what to do to ensure all risks are assessed, taken into account and avoided in addition to us making sure leaders are doing right by their teams. Many of the others in my role like myself also keep spreadsheets during investigations we conduct that documents all perspectives in situations of people we interviewed, track definitive evidence, and analyze all factors/ devils advocate arguments to ensure appropriate steps are taken to address and that every situation is handled fairly. I'm finding that even though I tend to be behind on work because of my just right struggles with documenting and investigations, I am seen as a star performer in my role because I am hyper-empathetic, scrupulous, and risk aversive. Unfortunately, those same qualities makes my OCD obsessions and compulsions stronger. Not sure if there is anything I can really do at this point because finding a new job isn't an option right now, I just needed to get this off my chest and see if anyone has experienced similar where they found themselves in a spot where their work responsibilities were at odds with their recovery or made it more challenging to use ERP tools.

Hi everyone, I am writing this post and exposing my vulnerability with an issue I have had for about 14 years. I am 24 years old now and I was exposed to pornography around age 8-10, I can’t exactly remember. I was shown pornography by my step brother who sexually abused me from age 6-12. Now as an adult male who is in a committed relationship, I struggle with a pornography addiction. Whether it be on websites, Snapchat, twitter, Reddit, Instagram, I struggle with consuming pornography and adult material. I also have severe OCD that has been clinically diagnosed. Does anyone have any experience with pornography addiction they would be willing to discuss? Does anyone have any sexting addiction? I have noticed how this shame and guilt I feel has come into my fiancé and I’s relationship. She is aware and we have communicated on how we are going to work through it. Are there any apps to help with sex/porn addiction? Any help would be greatly appreciated. We have an amazing community here and we shouldn’t be ashamed to seek help.

tw: mention of physical symptoms caused by anxiety and quick mention of sh does anyone else have poor work attendance and call out too much bc of anxiety ? i don’t want to sound entitled for “having the luxury of calling out” whenever i need to bc i know some people just can’t afford to. but i just want to know if anyone else has this issue. (i work a part time barista position) my anxiety will manifest into paralyzing physical symptoms like severe nausea, sweats, urges to sh, and continuous horrible intrusive thoughts that manifested said anxiety attack, and i know that my unstable mental state will make me very unpleasant to be around and completely unable to perform my job properly. so i’ll end up calling out. my managers haven’t talked to me about my attendance, but i’m very vocal about it bc i’m highly aware that it’s a problem. i’ve told them that it’s not that i don’t want to work. i’m not that kind of employee. i just become so paralyzed and consumed in my head that i know i won’t be able to perform my role that day and it’ll do more damage coming in unfortunately. i know most people will just go in regardless and i completely admire those of you that do. but does anyone just have shitty attendance for this reason ? :(

I have my first therapy apt Monday - looking forward to it! However, I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD. I’m advocating for myself and hoping to figure out what all is going on so I can learn correct coping techniques to get better! I guess I’m writing this to maybe see if anyone can help me understand or can relate!? I had my first panic attack a few months ago! After a few weeks my mind got scared that feeling anxious and stressed out was going to make me become schizophrenic or some insane situation. I somewhat got over that fear after several months of everyday panics about it. Now I’m in a loop and scared everyday that I’m “stuck”. I felt like I was experiencing dereliction and things weren’t real. And my mind takes off with that feeling everyday and feeds me these constant ‘what if’ thoughts and make things seem real. I am worried and in tears off and on everyday. It’s like a tug of war because I know it’s not true but in that same breath I feel like it’s real and true! It’s exhausting and scary! Can anyone relate? Does this sound OCD related? Thanks so much! Hugs to everyone ❤️

I don't know if I've always struggled with OCD in one way or another and never realized it or if this is simply a recent development from a lot of stress suddenly put on me all at once... At the start of this semester I had registered for a "Death and Dying" class thinking it would be an interesting elective. I went in expecting a more objective outlook on the subject, but the first two classes I attended, the teacher had us talk in groups and it ended up getting really personal and uncomfortable for me. It included an anonymous poll from students, showing how many of us had dealt with varying causes of death in friends and family, and I was already nauseous and holding back from crying. I had to leave in the middle of the second class because I couldn't handle the discussions without bursting into tears. Crying while trying to talk about difficult subjects is not new to me, I cry very easily, but I never expected it to interfere with school this way. I stood in the hall wondering why I was the only one visibly struggling to stomach the contents of this class. I took a walk around campus and I believe this is where the depersonalization/derealization began. I didn't feel in control of my body at all and my head felt so foggy as well as feeling nauseous. For the next few days I felt so horrible. For some reason, I started imagining myself getting the gun we have for defense from my parents room and taking my life. I want to live. I love my life and I have no reason to want to go through with that. But these thoughts were so overwhelming and consuming that I couldn't focus on anything else. This combined with the feeling of not being in control of my body became a very scary situation for me mentally. (Worth noting that it's ONLY ever the gun. I never think about overdosing or hanging or anything else like that. I think it may be a combination of it being a quick and violent method.) I even had to leave a few hours into a shift at work, something I NEVER do. I slowly opened up to my mom every now and then about these feelings by typing them in my notes and showing them to her (again, I cry very easily. It's dfficult to speak between sobs.) But after a few more days I couldn't take it anymore. I cried hysterically and finally told my parents I was dealing with these intrusive thoughts because it felt like such a dire situation. Thankfully, they responded with wanting to help as well as locking up the gun in a safe. We went for a car ride and had a long talk about intrusive thoughts and other things that could have caused me to become so distressed (recent death in the family I didn't know how to cope with, my father passing before I was old enough to understand, my fears for the future, etc.) I felt way better after all that, but the intrusive thoughts still stayed. I was still in a depersonalization episode and couldn't shake the feeling of being "doomed" as if even of I don't take my life, something bad is going to happen. (This is already lengthy so I think I'll make this 2 parts)

I keep having horrible nightmares of me doing terrible things to people. Like being a sexual deviant or something and it scares me and makes me feel bad about myself. Is this normal?

Yesterday I had an ending session with a therapist I had been seeing for almost 2 years. This is because she doesn’t specialise in OCD and actually when I spoke to her about my diagnosis it was quite triggering for me as she didn’t think I had OCD (she thinks it’s only excessive cleanliness etc). She’s a humanistic therapist and I have worked with her through so much that i’ve formed a really strong attachment. I’m so nervous to start doing ERP/ CBT work and i’m really frightened that it won’t work for me. My old therapist has said i can always come back whenever, but I feel alone and scared and like my safety blanket has completely gone. I realise this is probably because she provided me with so much reassurance. Does anyone have any advice or can give me any words of wisdom if they’ve gone through similar things? I can’t stop crying and feel very depressed.

Hey everyone! Here is my story and I would love to see if anyone relates or if the same thing may have happened to them. Back in August of 2022, I tested positive for COVID for the third time (yippie🙃). I have to say that this was my worst bout of COVID yet and I had massive brain-fog, migraines(previous diagnosed w/ chronic migraines), all the fun stuff. A week after I got over this round of COVID, I tested positive for strep and found out I had a sinus infection that had been untreated for about a month. Needless to say, my immune system was shot. After all of this occurred, I started having severe panic attacks constantly.. every morning I woke up and was already panicking, I would feel like I wasn’t in my own body, my brain was a foggy mess, and I absolutely hated the life I was living. This went on for three months before I finally decided to see my health care provider about it. In November of that same year, I started taking Sertraline and have been moving up in my dose ever since. In June of this past year, I started having extremely distressing thoughts about my boyfriend, who I have been with since January of 2022. These thoughts were ones that I was able to push away at first, but as time went on they became more and more anxiety provoking. Thoughts such as, “do I love him enough?”, “do I even love him and if I do, why don’t I feel it?”, “you should break up with him”, “are you attracted to him?”. Deep down, I know I love him VERY much, he is my best friend and I feel so safe with him, and he is the first healthy relationship I have had in my life. It’s comfortable and he feels like home. These thoughts come and go for WEEKS on end, and then the anxiety calms down and the thoughts get quiet for awhile.. and then they come back full force and cripple me with anxiety and sadness all over. I’m currently having a flair up on these feelings (I have not been diagnosed, but I find myself relating to a lot of what other people have felt or are feeling + have talked to my doctor and they believe I could benefit from therapy with these symptoms). I find that when I am extremely stressed or anxious, these thoughts appear. The first time I had ever had these thoughts or feelings was in my 20s and it is something I have never experienced before my immune system gave up on me for awhile. Long story short, I wanted to see if anyone else may be dealing with this or if long-term COVID has messed with others’ psyche. Thanks for reading!!

For the last 13 years I've been told I have a severe panic disorder, along with every other anxiety disorder in the book, and while I definitely do, No meds have ever helped & after seeing many therapists/psychiatrists, etc, I'm finally seeing one that, withing minutes, asked me if anyone has every tried to treat my OCD first, instead of the panic & anxiety...... Up until that point, I was unaware I had OCD. After more sessions with the Dr, & my own at home research, I could cry. Every weird "quirk" I have, they way I think, what I was always told was hypochondria......it's all OCD. I'm baffled. Anyway, my doctor wants me to try a medication called Luvox (Fluvoxamine). From what I'm reading, it's a pretty common med for OCD. I'm also, however, reading that it can interact with just about everything. I'm not a huge fan of taking daily medications. But, if it could potentially make me feel better, I'll absolutely give it a shot. So my question is, if you've taken this, has it helped? Is there anything I should be aware of? Good things? Bad things? I've googled, but I'd rather hear feedback from actual people who've taken it. Sorry I'm ranting and this is so long, this is a new journey for me, and I'm a little nervous!

I feel like i should tell my partner everything about me so i don’t feel like a liar or a bad person even little thing for a long time ago and sometimes it ends up in fights because it’s hard to understand and explain, i just get the feeling that im not telling them something and it makes me feel like a bad partner. Even little things like i forget to tell them a part of the story and my thoughts make me thing im keeping something from them. It makes me feel like I have to many problems and I am undeserving of their love.

I ruminate or spiral about my current job and career. Should I stay in my job? Should I leave? Do I even deserve this job? Is this job helping me grow? I constantly think about past job failings or times I felt I was treated unfairly or not respected. I always constantly question if I want to stay in this career at all. What I should study next? Will it even be worth it? Etc... Does this sound like OCD? I end up studying something new but then spiraling and rumination prevent me from putting all my eggs in one basket to follow through. The entire time I was in college...I cried everyday and questioned my career. Before I entered college I spent over 2 years obsessing over what career to choose. What is this???

I feel like I am doomed and I am so afraid of the next bad thing coming to me. I feel like I’ve been through so much trauma in life already and I don’t want more of it but I know that it will still come. That is life. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I want a break. I tried all weekend to make myself feel safe but today has sucked mentally. Now I have to jump back into the workweek tomorrow and put a smile on my face and pretend like I am “normal” when inside I am crying like a baby and scared of what bad stuff is going to come to me next.

I have intrusive thoughts everyday I feel like there making me crazy does any one have any tips on handling them .

what is your experience? Weed helped me realize i also had an OCD diagnosis along with my AuDHD. Weed was an enhancement drug for me and I notice that it increased my intrusive thoughts BUT only when i was already in a state of anxiety while sober. If i was happy then obsessive thoughts of joy and ruminative yet this only when i smoke the strain sativa. When i smoke indica my thoughts slowed down more, but so did everything else. For me indica affected my body more. But in moments where my mind couldn’t even move to get up or used the restroom. Only in bliss would i be able to fall asleep. I want to journey on Weed with this App so if you’d like to join ! Feel free :D I can also go on to make another post how it affect my autism and my adhd.

I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with OCD that revolves around food? For instance I’ve had an eating disorder from OCD for about 2 years now. I’m scared to eat food I’ve always eaten due to the fear of an allergic reaction. I also have a fear of my food being poisoned or laced with drugs. It makes it very hard for me to eat at times because I’ll have the symptoms of anxiety where my throat feels tight as if I can’t swallow or I’ll feel really panicked after I eat a fear food. Logically I know I’m not allergic to many of the foods I’ve ditched. It’s like my OCD clings to the fact others have allergies to things like peanuts & other foods. I used to be able to eat foods just fine and I love food! I just have so much fear of not having control once I’ve consumed something and that what if thought pops in. I believe all this stemmed from me trying an edible and it being one of the worst experiences ever. Felt like I was spiraling and not in control of anything. I even deal with extreme derealization/depersonalization and it feels so similar to the bad high. & I just get scared someone will lace my food just for the fun of it. So now when I eat I get scared even though logically I know my food is just food and I need it!! I’m doing much better than before, I eat even when I feel anxious too. I had stopped eating and drinking water due to my ocd tricking me (didn’t know I had ocd at the time, I thought my negative impulse fear based thoughts were intuition but they weren’t) and ended up in the hospital. I still have many fear foods that are actually very healthy that I need to start eating again. I am suffering from low iron due to not eating correctly from this fear. I’m on a iron supplement though and I’m eating better than I was. I’m just wondering if anyone else has or is dealing with similar?

Do any other trans people with OCD get intrusive thoughts about faking being trans or misgendering them? On a pretty much daily basis I go through this cycle of either accidentally misgendering myself or getting the thought of “you’ve been lying for the past 10 years and you’re actually not trans” and it always sends me into a spiral. My dysphoria tends to fluctuate and it gets worse when my dysphoria is lower than normal. Logically I know fluctuation is a thing that most trans people experience at some point but I still ruminate over it. Any other trans folks here experience something similar? If so, do you have tips to break that pattern of thought?

My relationship OCD has been bad lately I actually feel like it’s starting to cause problems in my relationship. I constantly think something bad is going to happen with the relationship or him. Like when he’s driving I’m terrified we’re going to get in a crash and him die and me have to be without him. I worry all the time he’s going to leave me. It’s an obsession. I find myself trying to be PERFECT and that’s just not possible. I feel like he’s constantly mad at me when he’s not. We have a good relationship. We have our moments but everyone does. I don’t have issues with him cheating but I always am TERRIFIED about it. I’m scared of him dying, or leaving me. Is this something common with OCD or is this something else?