Welcome to
the NOCD Community

One of the hardest parts of my day is seeing all the people around me doing all the things I can’t with ease. I hope they know how lucky they are.

Its been like 3 weeks of school and its just been really difficult and stressful 😭 ive had two tests and i havent gotten them back yet but i have a feeling i didnt do as well as i wanted to on either of them and that scares me because i usually score perfectly and well. And my classmates are so good at everything 😭 and ik this is kinda bad but i hate seeing people do better in things im supposed to be good at… like math is one of my strongest subjects but i messed up on a few questions so bad and i feel so stupid and now im scared that im gonna be like this for the rest of the semester 😞 it scares me. Plus all my classmates talk to me sometimes and all and i be as nice as possible but i still feel invisible- even with friends i just feel like im bothering them and i feel like im just alone and have no one to talk to bc either no one cares or i feel like burden and annoying and unlovable 💀

as I'm too triggered by my intentions behind wearing something. So a few days ago I talked to someone about women's attire, who is Muslim. so she told me everything and gave me an example where I'm still stuck and that is she said in her university there was a girl who was Muslim and she used to come to university fully covered but would wear eyeliner and a different kind of eye lenses and would walk in such a way that boys would be after her!! And I'm literally stuck here because it is possible to be like this even if someone is fully covered? And today morning I just saw a post after waking up immediately and that is a Muslim girl saying that it is weird and kinda dislikable to see girls wearing shiny glossy wet kinda lipsticks. And I totally understood this vibe she meant something hot or sexy kinda thing that girls do. but what am I doing? I feel like im doing the same thing. i want to look good and want people to see me but not something that I'm dying for it I'm not that kind of person, right? And am I even supposed to know? I dont know my own intentions and tbh I really want to be a smart bold strong and sorted personality to everyone. even in front of men. Am i considered as those girls then? And am I wanting just boys' attention? And I'm even scared to red lipstick. I've always loved red lipstick it suits me a lot. But now just now a scene came in my mind that is "I'm wearing red lipstick and I'm drinking something through a straw and a small portion of my red lipstick is in my straw now and I've come with a guy and I let that guy see that swatch of red lipstick on my straw. And you know what kind of feeling it is creating?? And was I always like this??? And why are these kinds of particular things and scenes coming rapidly?

I told my mom about the intrusive thoughts. Tw for mentions of abuse:) So something happened where I ended up freaking out on my abusive dad and I ended up still feeling bad about it and like I kinda just spilled. I almost said everything but it was late so she said she doesn't really want to get too into it right now but she was still helping me. I freaked out on my abusive dad and I ended up feeling really bad about my reaction. He tried to scream at me so I screamed louder for some reason. He called me the R slur and tried acted like he was going to hurt me physically but my mom stepped in front of him. (No one got hurt !! He tried to scare people like he's going to beat them up but he never does. He's leaving very soon.) I decided to tell my mom about how bad I felt and I feel a lot better about the situation. She said she wishes I didn't freak out like this because it drains my energy but she gets where I was coming from and I'm entitled to snap under those circumstances. He called me names and just started freaking out on me for no reason but this is just his typical behavior. I felt bad for the whole situation because I was just trying to be nice with him because he keeps on ignoring me like I'm not there. I ended up telling my mom about how I feel like I'm a bad person. I told her I feel like I don't deserve anything and I feel like I messed everything up. I told her I feel like I traumatized my brothers and sister and her and I said the intrusive thoughts are constant. I told her how I feel like I hurt everybody. I told her about how I just got out of a 12 day on and on cycle of panic attacks. I told her almost everything because I can't do this anymore. My sister was there and even said that and she even said "there is a whole OCD theme for this btw" it was a little funny but I was kinda hyperventilating at the moment so I couldn't find it funny :(. My mom and sister talked me down and made me feel a lot better. I feel bad for putting them in that position to do that and I didn't mean to😭😭. I don't know how it happened to be honest 😭 my sister even said that she can't think of anything bad that I've done with makes me crazy relieved because I feel like im always doing something wrong. I feel like I'm always weird and I'm always messing something up and that I don't deserve anything and that I'm just a terrible person. My mom put it into a perspective that she's freaked out on us like I've freaked out before too and we aren't traumatized or hate her and I feel a lot better. I do do a lot of weird and crazy shit that I'm not proud of. Even things she doesn't know about but I feel better knowing that she's been here for a lot of the things I have done and she still doesn't see me as a bad person. And I'm hoping it's not just because I'm her daughter. I'm so tired from crying and freaking out and yelling but I thought I would post about this. I feel kinda good. I'm still anxious and still getting intrusive thoughts but they aren't as bad right now because I talked about it and I keep thinking about what she said. I have a lot of OCD themes that feel constant in my head so I'm not going to label this.. if this finds you it finds you lol. Have a good day <3

I’m an OCD newbie & I’m having a lot of difficulty being able to distinguish what are OCD symptoms that may be atypical or if it’s due to another diagnosis/not something to be worried about. For context, I also have PTSD & suspected Autism- so excuse any excessively literal interpretations. All of my knowledge of OCD is watching Monk when I was child, so give me some grace. 1. “Harm OCD”- I have for as long as I can remember summed up my life purpose as “least amount of harm, most amount of good”. I am constantly thinking about how my actions & inaction may be impacting others. My career is in psych & public health because of that. I noticed I personalized things bc I assumed people thought about this just as much as me- only to find out they don’t. But I only hear examples of harm OCD as being thoughts of like personal persecution or images of hurting others. This is more of a mental analysis of the potential impacts. 2. “Contamination OCD”- Does this need to be literal with germs? I have what I call “emotional contamination”, where if something bad/negative happens, I worry that it’s “ruined”. Like if my partner & I have an argument in bed, I feel like I need to replace the sheets because our argument is “on” the sheets. I’m aware that that is illogical, but I’ll still do it. Every time I’ve had a major trauma, I’ve redecorated my home because I felt like all the negative is “stuck” on my old stuff & it needs to be replaced or I won’t feel better. I’ve ended relationships bc “there’s no getting this off”. 3. “Magical thinking OCD” I like to say that I think a lot of things I don’t believe. I have lots of random thoughts about needing to do something or something bad will happen. The things I need to do are usually really silly- like moving a large rock that’s by itself to a spot with another large rock so it isn’t alone & doesn’t feel lonely. I don’t have the thought that something specifically bad will happen or think I have magical powers. I know it’s nonsense, but I usually do it to stop thinking about it unless it’ll cause harm. Sometimes I also will come up with “tests”, like telling myself if I say XYZ to my partner & they respond in ABC way, then that means they love me. But the thing I’m asking them about could be literally anything. I am frequently *afraid* to ask because they might respond wrong and “ruin” it. 4. “Order & Symmetry OCD” & “Perfection OCD” & “Just Right OCD”- these terms seem to be used kind of interchangeably? I am VERY specific about my stuff. My home is color-coded by room & I won’t buy things that don’t match. I am intensely uncomfortable & can’t stop thinking about it if something doesn’t match. I am STILL thinking about the pink version of my laptop that I didn’t buy 7 years ago & it bothers me that I bought the silver one. I hate when people buy me stuff bc my style is very specific & hard to understand the nuance. There’s a “correct” image in my head & it’s really upsetting when it’s wrong. I flipped out a lot as a child when my stuff was moved and when my parents made design choices for me. I group things in weird ways- there’s an order, but it might be ordered based on how much I like them, how much they remind me of someone, or even more abstract like “if these objects were to run for president, this is the order I think they would be in from liberal to conservative on their view of defunding the police”. I have weird things with numbers, and will buy things based on how “cute” the price is. I would rather pay $440 for something than $399 because it’s a “better” number. I couldn’t tell you anything beyond “vibe”. I’m not sure if these are actually symptoms or just tangentially related & I’m conflating. I may have mis-grouped something. It’s hard to know where to start when nothing seems to have the direct examples of what I experience. Thanks in advance!

So I was playing roblox at my big age im 24. I got into sort of an arugment with a player bc she was making comments about peoples outfits and saying they were basic. So i commented on their outfit and called it basic. She told me to get a life. Then the arguing got worse she got a friend in on it with her. They started calling me crusty bc my username is crispy. I really tried not to engage bc I know a lot of children play on roblox. I just don’t like bullying or people being mean. Then I got last place and the player was like everyone is a queen here except crusty. I wanted to stand up for myself and said yall are just bullies. Now im worried that everyone in the server thought I called them bullies and are going to kill themselves. I was only referring to the two girls. I let them get the best of me I shouldn’t have responded like that because it was funny the back and forth. I acted immaturely but I think my justice complex kicked in. Now Im scared they killed themselves and I will never know.

Hello everyone! I’m new to this app and I am just looking for some help or any advice. I am 20 years old and female. I constantly think about the past and what has happened to me and my boyfriend. (Mostly about him and his ex and if he liked her more). No matter how hard I try these thoughts just flood my mind and nothing that I do helps me avoid them. I have always had issues with constant thoughts about the past and things that are stressing me out, and they just don’t go away. I thought that the thoughts about my boyfriend’s ex would fade but i’ve been with him for 2 years now and they are still constant everyday. I feel like I have to know what she’s up to and check her social media daily, if not multiple times in a day. I also check my ex’s social media daily. I don’t want to do this but I feel like I have to, and If I try not to it just makes me feel anxious. My ex was verbally and physically abusive, I was 15-17 and we were together for those two years. I have gone to PTSD therapy and I still have thoughts over and over about what happened and I wonder if it was even real. Or if I’m even remembering what happened correctly. I have constant thoughts about him and what happened between us. I also have issues such as kind of twitching when i’m really stressed out or something isn’t “right” to me. I constantly have to clean and put things in their place. I have a routine that I do everyday, such as showering in a certain order, doing my skincare in a certain order, and doing things at work in a certain order. Is this normal? And how do I help these thoughts go away… Because they have gotten so bad that it distracts me all day and is interfering with having a future with my boyfriend.

TW: Mentions of pornography To start off, I won’t get into all of the reasons, however I am personally against pornography, especially in a relationship (these reasons are not related to my OCD). I am single and have found this boundary very hard to navigate especially in the current dating scene and it has caused me a lot of distress. I am extremely ashamed to admit it, but a few days ago I viewed something online intentionally and immediately felt so much guilt and regret for doing so, I am absolutely disgusted with myself and I feel like such a fraud in my beliefs. How can I ever expect to find someone who matches these standards if I can’t even myself? I feel so hopeless and angry with myself. I know that I messed up and the fault is 100% on me, but it is taking such a toll on me. It’s all I can think about really, everything in my day to day life reminds me of this issue and the guilt and disgust I feel for abandoning my values like that just stings. I can’t enjoy doing anything these last few days and I feel especially hopeless in my future dating prospects, an issue that normally bothers me anyways. I want to be able to move past these negative feelings and forgive myself however I feel as though I don’t deserve it at all, I am very lost on what to do and am just stuck in this endless loop of thinking.

Hi, I'm Ali. Nice to meet you. I just randomly today started searching about OCD because I related to so many of these experiences on this app (which I don't want to mention) and I wonder if I really have an OCD. For example, yesterday my brother gave me his iPad since he hasn't used it in a while and there's a scratch on it, and I'm really scared if I did or he did it because wouldn't that show I'm careless with it, and he's had it for so long, so I don't know if he scratched it or I have, and the buttons are so clicky, and I don't know if they are meant to be like that. I really want to tell my dad, but I don't know if I'm just seeking attention because I've already told him about other experiences in the past and he has sorted them (I love my dad).  But if I ask him that I have an OCD, I don't think he would believe me. Please guys, I need your advice. Thank you for reading this much. Have a good day.

i can’t stop obsessing over how i look and thinking about how ugly i look i feel like i’m going insane i keep looking at pictures of myself and i just feel so disgusting my lips are so small and without makeup i literally look like a man and i just compare myself to my friends and people i see online all day i literally cant take it anymore like i just feel so worthless all the time bc of my appearance i would literally do anything to feel beautiful

Hey everyone! I just wanted to share this because I thought some people may find it helpful. Compulsions are what many of us do/have done to try and banish feelings such as distress, anxiety, guilt etc… following obsessions such as unwanted intrusive thoughts. Compulsions tend to feel very urgent, am I right? You feel like you won’t be able to move on without doing it, or you might fear that something terrible will happen. So many of us fall for this trick that OCD always wants us to do. This is how it works: 1. An obsession pops up. 2. We feel anxious/scared/guilty etc etc.. 3. We feel like we need to do a compulsion to get rid of that unwanted feeling of discomfort. 4. Our anxiety and stress levels decline for a short amount of time. 5. Another obsession pops up… Then the cycle continuously repeats…. Being someone who has suffered from OCD for 10+ years, and only in the last 6 months being able to stop doing compulsions. I will let you in on a fact, COMPULSIONS DO NOT HELP YOU. Compulsions only adds to the strength of OCD. They do not prevent anything bad from happening! They do not benefit us! They do not make us feel better, they actually make you feel worse in the long term. They are declining the quality of your life! Honestly, I understand how hard it is to stop doing them. The feeling that you need to just do a compulsion “one more time”. I honestly get it, but when you genuinely think about it, what does a compulsion solve? Does flicking the light switch on and off 7 times really have any impact on a loved one being hurt? NO Does thinking a thought really make you a bad person? NO Does mentally/physically checking that thing over and over again help you gain clarity? NO (it actually makes you more confused). I just wanted to share this with you guys, because sometimes it can be really difficult to stop doing compulsions. At first, you might not be able to stop doing them completely and that is okay! You might just want to delay doing a compulsions. Instead of doing a compulsions as soon as possible, try and give it 5 minutes. Try and mess up the compulsions, do it in a different order at first. The main thing we have to do here is teach your brains that compulsions DO NOT keep you safe, they are stopping you from living the life you want to live. Compulsions are like impostors, they try to convince you they are genuinely there to help you, but in fact, all they do is make you feel worse. If anyone is struggling with compulsions whether they are mental or physical, just know you are not alone! You have the strength to choose not to do a compulsion, and you will see how empowering it is once you realise that nothing happens! We are not perfect! Do not feel like you have to be perfect! I still engage in compulsions here and there, especially when I have a bad day. But majority of the time? I am pretty much compulsion free😁 Always strive for progress over perfection!

I have had so many different types of unpleasant and unwanted thoughts and I believe the worst of them all started in 2019, I'm only 16 and I know a lot of people on here are adults, but I was around 10 or 11 when I started getting my first fears in my brain or like the worst of them, because even when I was around 5-8 and and maybe even beyond that I used to question if bad things were going ti happen to me because I saw bad things happening to other people on the TV. Anyways, 2019 I remember coming home from a place and it was fine when I was there but when I came home I had the thought of "what if I was still there" I shouldn't really bring it up because if I've feared it before I feel I'll trigger myself to fear it again 😭 but yeah, I'm not fully sure how long it lasted but I believe it was months and had the thought about different places I had been, basiy my mind was trying to make me think and feel these unpleasant thoughts, and even thinking of them as of right now isn't the best lol, but I just wanted to talk about all the different intrusive thoughts I have had are. After that one went, I believe I was okay, at the end of 2020, literally on the new year, I started spiralling so bad, I was 12 I believe, and I was putting on all my social media stories "happy new year" even like days after because I felt the need to keep doing it, or my brain would tell me "it's not 2021 if you don't do this" like blah blah blah, and it all started first because I was anxious and that "I had to" post "happy new year everywhere" unless it wasn't the new year, I basically went crazy with it, and it lasted a while, until the 21st because I was like yeah 21 is now a lucky number because of 2021, but I literally went to the extreme of messaging everybody it basically everywhere even days after, probably the worst one I've had but yeah 😭 After that I was fine for the whole year, 2021 was really good for me, and then maybe around the start of the next year I started a new obsession and anxiety literally based off of anxiety and I had no idea why it was sticking around, and I'm glad I know now. In 2022 some girl was rude to me or something and I probably cried 2 hours straight afterwards because of it and she wasn't aware, but teachers helped but yeah whatever, few days after or soon I was fine and didn't think about it much or at all, and then one day when I'm in the car coming home from somewhere aswell my brother starts talking to me about school and how somebody else said "they don't associate with me" like I honestly had no idea why they all turned 2 faced to me because I never did or said anything wrong but yeah 😭 but that brought up that other memory of what a different girl had said to me and I started worrying about that because I was like "oohhhh I just forgot about that" and then I'm not sure if it picked up slowly or fast, but regardless, that person's name was stuck in my mind and ruminating around my mind for months, I was anxious whenever I thought about it so it kept coming back, I genuinely think my brain got so tired and annoyed it just gave up in the end, but that's just proof that your mind can worrying about literally anything, like anything. After that was over, 2023, last year now I only had mild usual OCD unless I actually had an OCD that I never knew I had to do with relationships. I'll keep it brief because I know this has already been long, but I like my friend who was a boy and let's just say he didn't like me back, I would gaslight and convince myself that he did even when he was just being friendly, even tho sometimes I felt like his other friends wouldn't be doing certain things we do, but yeah, I used to worry about what he was doing with who and would get so jealous to the point where I was literally thinking or unaliving the other people who he would talk to or hang out with, and I had lost people who were my friends before because I got too jealous, I stopped talking to him tho because it was getting absolutely nowhere and he started acting weird and hanging out with people who don't like me because I wasn't speaking to the other people, so I basically just left, but I don't have to see him anymore anyways, we had good times tho, but yeah if someone has got this far and you know, tell me if you think or know that that's an OCD too, like relationship OCD or something. Now 2024, I would say it's kinda been everywhere, but the start of the year has been good and only recently it's been affecting me bad again, since June, after I had finished my exams, I thought to myself on the night of me finishing my exams "ahhh~ I don't have to worry about anything anymore" and it was like 3 and a half months break aswell, so I was like over the moon, and guess what, my brain starts to think and worry again. There has been so many topics this year but I'll express the main ones. It's basically been my brain to worry about anything I can, anything that is possible. So the first one that made me loose my mind and panic for days and also make me loose sleep was one about a person again, also a person that I have never associated myself with I had literally just seen them and thought that I didn't want to think about that and then I did basically and spiralled bad, anyways next one after that was about just being super or hyper aware like "think everytime to see a colour or a shape or focus on your breathing or blinking" stuff like that, stuff I couldn't avoid basically, they didn't get too bad but you get what I mean hopefully lol, and now this one that has been new, about numbers and rituals, they were more manageable and quick to "end" aswell, but the one I have of current is long because it's like worry that I keep doing more, like to be real, I simply do not care for any of the thoughts I have but I just feel I do, it's seriously just the anxiety tho, because earlier my mind cleared for a brief moment and I was looking and thinking about the situation with no judgement and being like, yup, kind of like thinking about it as it happened ages ago and that I wouldn't go back to it kind of feeling, but yeah I think it wants to stay maybe a little longer, but no panic attacks today, that's all I can say. Also anyone who has read the whole thing, my heart goes out to you, if you are panicking right now, I've been there, it sucks I know, but you will find peace eventually. If anyone relates or has anything similar to share that would be great to hear, and any advice too, even tho I'm fully aware of all techniques my brain isn't getting the hint 😭 But yes thank you for reading it all if you have gotten this far, here is a cookie ->🍪 Byyeeee I love youuu, remember you are capable of doing so much and I am here for you 🫶🏻🩷

Does anyone have any coping mechanisms for helping to relieve guilt from things I have done in my past that I don’t like that I did?

I was doing so good, but over the past few months, the OCD has returned with a vengenace. I try to explain what I'm experiencing to my family, but they don't understand. I just need to hear that people get it and know that I can make it out the other end alive and in one piece I've had many themes over the years, but right now, scrupulocity is taking over my life. It takes the normal day-to-day things I do, and twists them into compulsions to feed the insatiable monster that tells me if I don't do enough, be perfect enough, that I'm not a good partner-- not a good person. I'm not working hard because it feels satisfying; I'm doing it because I feel lazy and worthless if I don't. Everything has been taken to an extreme. It's making getting in the way of eating and sleeping. I'm suffering, but I feel like I need to try and pretend that I'm fine (even though I'm terrible at hiding it) because I feel like my husband will think I'm crazy, whiny, and dramatic, and eventually, get tired of it and leave. I'm not asking for reassurance. I just want to not feel so alone.

(I’m not sure if this has anything triggering but just in case—know that I bring up my OCD but not what it is specifically so I think it’s fine? ) Just really struggling right now and was wondering if anyone had any words of advice or encouragement? I’ve had OCD my entire life but it didn’t start becoming severe until I was around 14/15. It reached the point of extreme where going anywhere or socializing at all caused embarrassment because I had NO idea how to control compulsions and had no idea that’s what they were in the first place. I would also get lost in intrusive thoughts and physically couldn’t communicate. Fast forward and I was isolated throughout the years important to my development. Didn’t go to school, didn’t go to any social events, didn’t get a job (and then 2020 came along and I literally couldn’t.) and just stayed in my room letting my OCD consume me. It was really bad in 2022 and destroyed a very important relationship I had and set me back once again, it hit me extremely strong and a few months later I was once again just -stuck- these were years I was supposed to get ready for college but I couldn’t, and now this year I’m turning 20 and I have nothing to show for it. I’m still stuck and at this point I just feel like there’s no hope for me. The only job I can muster up anything for is creative writing but I feel like such a failure. I’m in such a dark place and I just can’t convince myself it’ll get better. Any words of encouragement would be nice because I just don’t know what to do.

i constantly overthink my relationahip with my boyfriend. i constantly am like “am i not in love with him?” simply bc i dont find his voice as attractive as some other men, or bc i dont get butterflies whenever he texts me or calls me nicknames. i constantly iverthink everything i do and i am obssesed with every number i see ending in a 5 or a 0 and if it doesnt i get secerely uncomfortable. i make everything even and i have to have a specific order for all my jewelery and stuff. im tired of struggling everyday.

Sometimes i feel like i need the opinion from people online to tell me if im a good person or not. I have thoughts of just posting every single bad thing ive done and let the people decide if i deserve to continue with my life. It sounds morbid but it is. I dont know what to do with myself sometimes especially when it comes to the future. What will people want to happen to me if they found out everything ive done. I put too much thought into these scenarios. Its really just how i feel. Maybe this has turned into more of a vent but- i also think that i should not continue my life myself, so that i dont have to see the “ inevitable” comments on my life later on. I think about it all the time. Its gotten so bad to where i feel like i need to be put away in a mental hospital for a week or two so i can get over myself but i havent and im scared too if it gets bad again. I just feel so unworthy of living sometimes. I want it all to stop but its so hard most days.

I feel bad because I'll comment on other people's posts on here who struggle with the same OCD as I do and it's like why am I better at helping other people than myself???? I feel like I'm different. Anytime someone here says something related to pure OCD (or really any off) I try to remind them that they couldn't do anything that results in them being a bad person but it feels different for me because I actually do bad things. I have done bad things. I've never heard a story from other people that involves me not being annoying or weird or a bad person. I feel like there's a difference when other people make a mistake then when I make a mistake. Other people absolutely deserve help but I don't deserve help. Other people should be able to heal but I haven't gone through enough yet. I wish so badly I wasn't me because I just want to be a good person and I pray every night that I will be good and I won't mess anything up and that I will be helpful but I never am enough. I always mess something up. I want to be perfect but that's unachievable and that makes me anxious. I want to be perfect for people and I can't. Any time I think about how I need help or I need to talk about my feelings or something I remember why I shouldn't. Any time I do anything other than sit and smile I just get told to shut the fuck up or get told how annoying I am and it hurts but then I think "if I'm a bad person I deserve this" but if I was someone else and I hadn't done all the stupid and weird and even insane things I've done then I would deserve it a little more. I wish I was dead. I don't know why I'm not. I don't know why I'm writing this I just wish I was either another person or dead. I'm unredeemable it feels like. I hate myself so much. I'm so done.

I want to share how ERP has helped me lately, in finding a new job, but also share a realistic look over what chasing my values has been like. I hope this will help someone. I was miserable for a long time in my previous job. I desperately wanted to leave, but my OCD interfered a lot when I searched for other jobs, especially before I started ERP/before I was diagnosed. A “typical” job search is to look for jobs, work on your resume/cover letter, apply, and hope for an interview. However, this was very difficult for me—I would spend hours on my resume, trying to make it absolutely perfect so it wouldn’t be rejected. I needed it to feel just right. I sometimes missed application deadlines because I couldn’t get my resume done “perfectly” in time. When I looked for jobs, I could only apply if it felt “just right.” I needed absolute certainty that my next job would be the right move. When I did get an interview, I couldn’t prepare adequately, because I didn’t know what questions I would be asked, and the uncertainty made it hard to focus. Fast forward to this year, where I felt more serious about leaving my job, and I did exposures to work through my fears. My therapist had me prepare a resume, within a certain amount of time, and not change it after. I applied to jobs even though I had no idea if I would be happy at the company. When I submitted applications, I didn’t allow myself to read my resume over and over for hours. I made it satisfactory, submitted it, and hoped for the best. Last month, I applied for a job, and was selected for an interview. Ultimately, I was hired, and I started training this week. So, the wonderful side of ERP is that my hard work finally helped me break my compulsive cycles, and I finally got a new job. I left my old toxic company, after trying to leave for a few years. I started with NOCD a little over two years ago. I’m doing so much better now. I have fewer exposures and therapy sessions because I have a really good handle on my tools and my OCD. But, as we all know, OCD flare ups will happen. When I started training on Monday, I felt so excited. I strongly felt like my skills would transfer to this new job, and I could really make a difference. However, later in the day (and for part of the week), I felt really overwhelmed. My OCD told me I was going to burn out, I was going to fail, I couldn’t handle the training, I would have to go back to my old job and suffer forever. It is hard for me still, to accept that my OCD isn’t going away, that I’ll have hard periods, I’ll have moments of struggle. Which is truly just a part of life, for everyone, with or without mental illness. I used my tools to combat my intrusive thoughts. I woke up and went to my training every day (which now requires a commute, and I’ve never had to commute before). I’m changing my routine and adjusting to a career change and how my days look. But despite the struggles this week, despite crying in my car because I wasn’t anticipating all the emotions that came up, I am not letting my OCD win. My OCD wants me to quit, to find something comfortable. But my values are to be in a career where I help people, where I’m fulfilled and happy about the work I do. My values are more important than a false sense of safety/comfort that my OCD is promising me. I’m anticipating struggling in this job. I’m going to have really hard days (I’m going in a social service field, helping people enroll in government benefits). But I’m leaning into the part of me that finally feels like I’m on a good career path. I don’t like struggling, I don’t like things being out of my control, I don’t like in between periods where things are tough now but will get better later. I want everything to be certain and easy (who doesn’t?). It’s a mixed bag of feelings—so so grateful for ERP, grateful ERP helped me get out of my job, grateful I am handling this so much better than I would have 2 years ago. But sad and stressed and confused too, and annoyed that my OCD had to butt in to a new exciting life change. I think this is just the nature of life with OCD. But OCD doesn’t go away. So why not work on chasing my values, so I can live a life I’m proud of, while I work through this disorder? I am choosing my values over comfort, and I wanted to share this in case anyone is in a similar boat. And if I’m going to have OCD triggers, I would much rather have them while I’m a better job, vs being triggered at my old toxic job. I hope you all have a good weekend ❤️

So, a while ago, I was obsessing over feeling like I had to tell my best friend something. I couldn’t seem to bring myself to just do it but the guilt was eating me alive. One day, we had a conversation about something related to it and the conversation led to what I had to tell her. I told her, apologized, and things went will. It was unplanned but it was a good conversation. My guilt went away (although my OCD tried to bring it back some times) and we remained friends. Now, I have something else I need to tell my parents and I feel like it’ll be easier for me to talk about it in a conversation about something else I think they should know. My OCD is telling me I’m weak for doing it this way instead of just coming out and saying it randomly. It also tells me I’m manipulative because if it’s not the only thing I talk away, the weight of it won’t be the same and they need to know how terrible I am and how big this was. Additionally, what I need to tell them is something I did when I had a mental break down like eight years ago. I feel like if I mention my mental health, I’m not taking responsibility. I’m not trying to blame it and shrug it off like it doesn’t matter because there’s a reason I did it. It’s just that it’s an explanation. It’s what happened, and I was planning to mention it in a bigger conversation about mental health and the medication I’m on. I think I’m horrible for doing it this way, I think my OCD is right but when I try to just say it, my words get messed up from being unbelievably anxious. So I just feel weak and manipulative and awful.