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I seriously cannot tell if it’s ROCD or if I’m just in the wrong relationship… I am so scared and so sad. I am so tired of not being able to trust myself or my brain.

Hello NOCD community! This is my first post here, so not sure how it works haha. This is a relatively new theme that has cropped up over the past few months, and historically never really worried about until recently. It all happened initially because of a prickly interaction with a friend. A good few months ago, we were really good friends, we’d hang out multiple times a week, she’d invite me places, we planned to do trips out together etc. I would always be someone she thought about when wanting to do something at the weekend, and vice versa. But I noticed towards the end of January, she was becoming increasingly distant from me, making little jabs directly at me that were about me. She wasn’t asking me to hang out anymore. Just really unexpected behaviour from her that I couldn’t understand. It’s important to mention that I had done nothing to provoke this behaviour. She mentioned that she made a few new friends, which of course wasn’t an issue, and I was happy for her that she had met new people, but didn’t see how this justified her not wanting to hang out at all anymore. A day or two after this, I saw on her Instagram story that she was hanging out with a bunch of our mutual friends (and we’d hang out as a group a ton usually) without me, and it made me feel just really sad. I (probably stupidly) messaged her when I saw this and kindly implied that next time I’d like to be invited as it’s something I would’ve liked to join in with too. She was immediately so defensive and unempathetic, and I was taken aback by how curt and rude her response was, from someone who I’d considered a good friend. After that interaction I was so worried that she hated me and never wanted to be friends again. The stress of this was so much that I couldn’t eat, and made me feel sick to my stomach. It was genuinely all I could think about. I saw her in class a few days later and I apologised for what I said in the message, and asked if we were still okay. She said yes and we made up, and it seemed like everything was fine. But clearly it wasn’t, as we never hung out again after that. even though I would ask her if she wanted to do something with me, she would constantly turn me down, every single time. I was fed up and confused. I just couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to hang out anymore, despite the fact there wasn’t really any reason why we couldn’t. We would talk in class but outside of class it’s like she didn’t want anything to do with me, which felt so bizarre as we’d been so close for ages. Since this experience, I’ve made some new friends, but am always overanalysing what I say to them so as to not accidentally offend them, out of fear that they’d never talk to me again. I am constantly worrying that my friends all hate me and even the tiniest interactions will make me doubt everything. If anyone has experienced something similar and maybe has any sort of explanation or advice, please do let me know! Thank you!

Anyone else here have a hard time moving on from conflict? Like you will “resolve” with your partner and decide to move on from it… but then in your moments alone you rehash everything in your mind? We will come to some type of resolution, but then when we are apart, I will think of the fight and analyze what we fought about and how we fought. Then I will bring the issue back up again with my new discoveries and it starts the fight all over again.

I had very very bad se*ual dream about someone I shouldn't have. Does my dreams show what I actually want? why even it came in my mind

I come home and my partner is waiting for me asking how my day is watching just general chatting and I’m annoyed, that they’re waiting for me. Probably a trigger from a previous relationship. Why can’t they just get on with something? Why do they need me? Then I start to panic and think oh God now I don’t like them. I’d rather be on my own. Should I tell them how I feel or is that confessing? Start over analyze start to think I can’t be in this relationship. Start to think I’m a bad person start to think I’m never gonna be able to have a relationship if i have thoughts like this. Is this just another OCD moment? If so what ERP can I do?

I am not sure why, but here lately (the last couple of days) I have been feeling irritated with my partner. In fact it’s not just with my partner, it’s with everything. Unfortunately this is bothering me because it’s almost as if I feel numb to my partner. The thought of being with him either causes me to feel anxiety or I feel nothing at all. Just typing this is making me anxious. I haven’t exactly had a direct intrusive thought related to the feelings I am experiencing but I fear that this means I should leave my partner. I fear that the irritation I feel could mean that I don’t really love him or that something is wrong. I wish I could ignore this but I find it hard to. In a way I almost don’t want to talk to him which makes me feel guilty and flat out terrible. I keep asking myself if this is just ROCD playing another trick on me or if I should actually leave him. The thought of doing so makes me very upset, it hurts my heart. I don’t want to hurt him because I truly don’t want to leave my partner in general. I love him very much, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. I want to be happy with my partner and enjoy the beautiful relationship we have. But because of all the anxiety I experience, I find it hard to do that. Something worth mentioning is that I have been without a medication that I normally take. I take Zoloft and unfortunately I haven’t had it for a little over a week. I am unsure but could the lack of medicine make me feel this way? Either way I have no clue, but I am desperate to feel truly happy in this relationship. Any thoughts or tips would be greatly appreciated! -Thank you :)

This is not ocd but I just want some advice So basically I sometimes maybe like twice or three times called my boyfriend by one of my male friends name. My boyfriends name is Ryan and my friends name is Hector and sometimes I’ll be with my boyfriend and say “hec” and he notices and gets sad and I feel horrible :/

My OCD Story! Wow..where do I start? Honestly things are a bit blurry when I dive back to when my whole life crashed and burned. I guess I should start with saying I am currently 27 and have been living with OCD for roughly three year. I have many forms of OCD. That being POCD, Harm OCD, ROCD, Self Harm OCD, and whatever else the OCD wants to throw at me😅. Now, taking it back before the OCD I was in a 6yr relationship and was engaged. Unfortunately for a year, I basically lived another life on Twitch and joined a community where I became really good friends with these two girls. Well for a year I hid it from my ex- fiancé but I became overwhelmed with so much guilt and shame I came clean to her. That was my breaking point. Looking back, I had OCD moments with previous jobs and in sports where I would be reciting this procedure for my old job before I would allow myself to do anything but this was before I knew of OCD. Anyways, once I came clean to my ex fiance, I became SO obsessive over making sure I came clean about EVERYTHING. Making sure I found every last message, making sure nothing would come up in the future and "bite" me. I remember my ex was even willing to move forward but I couldn't. The pain was inescapable. I couldn't stop the racing thoughts which led to suicidal thoughts. I never had any intentions but back then I didn't know how to handle it. Well, safe to say that landed me in my first of two inpatient stays. At first, they shoved me out the door with medication but a day later, I still couldn't stop the shame and guilt. So that's when I was admitted. I think I was 24 at the time and that was the scariest time of my life. I didn't know what was going on with me. I was having all these thoughts and fears that I didn't know how to make stop. They tried me on all these medications and none really worked. The hospital I stayed at was poor as far as mental health care. There was only one nurse who actually talked to me and tried to understand. I wish I remembered her name because she was the best part. It made me sad to see such poor care for mental health institutions. But fast forwarding some time, I was doing okay but still having anxiety attacks and POCD fears, so my parents took me to another mental health hospital and again...I didn't feel like they knew what was going on with me. To me, it didn't seem like the hospitals actually cared to get to the bottom of what the patients were dealing with. Unless it was like clear signs of suicidal thoughts, drug addiction, or more. *Side note* I hope one day mental health institutions can get counselors and psychiatrist in there who have experience with OCD because myself and countless others go misdiagnosed. Well after a couple weeks I got out of the hospital and began seeing this therapist that my mom's therapist recommend and she specialized in OCD and had experience with ERP. Her name is Jennifer Gerlach with True Story Counseling and I credit her as one of the few who saved my life. Jennifer worked with me and understood me. She didn't just write me off and send me to the hospital. I still have the notecards we made in session that I use as my tools that we came up with to help the OCD. I worked with her for a year I think and in between that, my mom introduced me to this program called celebrate recovery that she attended on Friday nights. It's a faith based recovery program catered towards drug and alcohol abuse but it's for anyone with any hurts, hang ups, or habits. I had nothing to lose, so I went. That was the greatest decision I could've made because that is where I accepted Jesus Christ into my life as my savior and what has really helped me in my recovery. Of course my faith started out rocky and still isn't perfect but God truly has saved me and changed my whole perspective with OCD and living life. So after some time seeing Jennifer, she sent me this link for NOCD where they had the "SOS" button and I began searching through the app and found the counseling part. Well, I was 25 at the time and was on my parents insurance, so I was blessed to be able to see Paulina (my NOCD therapist) fully covered. I can't express enough how amazing Paulina is. To this day, Paulina is still putting forth effort to help me continue the tools we've made and pushing me to face the darkness OCD can bring. I wanna cry thinking about how God lead me to her and has blessed her with the tools to help me live a life with OCD. I saw her the first time for 6 months until I turned 26 and fell off my parents insurance, so I couldn't see her anymore. That was a rough time for me because I was so angry at the world for the way insurance companies work because I tried EVERYTHING to get back to NOCD. I was jumping through all these hoops trying to find an insurance that I could afford and was accepted by NOCD. I tried everything and nothing panned out. I was defeated because I felt I was finally making progress and just like that, I was "robbed". During that time I kept working with Jennifer, my old therapist, and still held onto hope I would one day be back with NOCD. That hope eventually started to run out and I was soon beginning tow crept I would never get back to NOCD. Well..God was working in the darkness because he made a way. One random day at work, I saw on Instagram that Howie Mandel partnered with NOCD and I left a comment under NOCD's post about my experience, how it helped me, and how I'd hope to be back there. I truly believe God put it on this man's heart because the CEO of NOCD reached out to me and blessed me with therapy sessions back with Paulina. Those sessions have came to an end but again, God blessed me as my insurance is finally covered. There's a small co-pay but I am thankful I can continue working with Paulina as needed. Which with life having "a mind of its own", the ups and downs can come and go at any time. But that's where NOCD and our tools come in hand. That's where our support system comes in hand! I even earned the "OCD Conqueror" badge on NOCD back in October. Receiving that brought tears to my eyes. I never thought I would get something like that. But it goes to show that WE still can continue to live our lives to the fullest. I don't want to make it seem like it's the easiest thing in the world to do because I still have my hard times with OCD. Exposures are always finding me. Everywhere I go lol. I work in a mall, so I'm constantly being faced with exposures. Even now, this past month has been grueling as Harm OCD has shattered my confidence and I've been having doubts. I let what I know as truth get clouded by "what ifs" and thoughts. Recovery isn't about how many days we can go without experiencing intrusive thoughts, or how many times we don't experience anxiety in the midst of triggers. I myself have gotten lost in that way of thinking and it just makes it harder on ourselves when we do stumble. The greatest way we can beat OCD, is take our life back! Continuing to practice Exposure Response Prevention therapy (ERP) with our counselor and slowly we will continue to take back what is rightfully ours. Again, some days are so hard. Some days I feel defeated. Mentally and physically drained. But I remember my tools and God always grants me rest to wake up the next day and conquer. My old therapist gave me an example of two people with OCD and who's living with it the best. One person, stays inside...doesn't have any triggers but avoids outside and living for that reason. Or, the other person who deals with triggers constantly but continues living their life going to work, laughing with friends, enjoying their favorite hobbies. Now which person is living with OCD better? I made a promise to myself that I would do anything in my power to continue living my life the way I want and NOT how the OCD wants. My hope is that OCD continues to get the awareness it truly deserves so all of us can get the care we deserve. I want anyone who reads this to know, I am in this fight with you. Don't try and place a timestamp on when you should be "fixed". Live life one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. I've been in therapy for OCD for around three years and while I'm still being tripped up, I am living my life. I love to go to the gym, play the game, laugh with friends, and seeing my dog, Bevo. Hang on to the little things that make you happy. I promise that leaning on those "little things" can help in those dark times. I pray the awareness for OCD continues to spread and those out there like you and myself can get the proper help we truly need. Hang in there, okay? There is hope for all of us. Things do get better! Much Love. 💚

I constantly have thoughts about my wife's features. In a negative way that leaves me with anxiety and guilt. Then the thoughts change from divorce to finding other people attractive... but I don't want to leave my wife I love her.. I feel so stuck in the web I can't get out of I obsesse about these thoughts all the time... she's a terrific person we been married for 13 years any advice?

What do you do when you don’t even wanna stand beside your partner anymore because of height:( I am getting married and can’t sleep and function in work. What do I do:( it has been everyday. I have tried erp over and over and sitting with the thought.

Hey guys, does anyone know if OCD gets worse during times of conflict, specifically unspoken stuff? My partner is really resistant to talking things out and instead chooses to ignore our problems, which makes things awkward and tense. She told me she puts things off because of her parents relationship, but at a certain point it feels like an excuse for her not to even try. This has been going on for 3 years, and our conflicts still feel the same. Me bringing up a problem or situation, and her seeming annoyed and apologizing in a tone that’s clearly upset. If she thinks I’m wrong then I wanna hear that, cus I prefer to discuss both our feelings. I’ve asked her for that, I’ve asked her to meditate, journal, etc in her free time too, but she doesnt do it. I know she cares but it doesnt feel like she knows how to care sometimes. I feel like I need to leave so that I can focus on my recently diagnosed OCD, and so I can feel like myself again. I don’t think its ROCD, i actually think I’ve been convincing myself to stay in something that I’m not happy in. I always assumed it was me just having commitment issues, and to hold on and push thru it. At this point it feels like I can’t stand to be in this relationship anymore. This is probably not the best place for this post, but maybe someone relates.

My ocd is so big right now I fear rabies, if it’s not that I can’t eat because of fear of allergic reaction, or fentanyl anxiety … i just showered twice in a row in 6 hours and had endless rituals and still feeling horrible. Washed the bed still feel it’s contaminated. I’ve been re washing my clothes over and over the last 4 weeks. Now I have only a shirt left to wear. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t stop. The biggest is this fear of bats. Tonight I showered again because there was something red on the white towel. Triggered me but i tried ignoring then I put on a sweater and felt something was there ( a bat) you know it could be hiding… then I hear noises that trigger me could be one too. I look in my drawers and kick everything to see if one is hiding in my room or bathroom. Every day changes. Monday I’m great and manage well , Tuesday I toss my entire room in the washer or wash my skin raw. I just showered again and then washed my phone just to see foam on me and my mind immediately bat rabies… I scrubbed so hard I am aching. And another trigger is when I am sad and feel lonely. My relationship is none. I need to find a way out of this misery life of mine.

Hi there, I'm new to this site and just starting therapy with nocd. I have a therapist outside of nocd that specializes in ocd with cognitive behavior therapy, sound baths, rapid eye movement and hypnosis in particular. She is amazing, she doesn't force me to do things that bring me panic, and I have come a long way with allowing myself limited exposure therapy on my own terms. My husband is at the end of the line dealing with my "control" issues with contamination worries. I have begged for couples therapy so he could maybe understand that I didn't choose this and that the panic is so severe that I don't have a choice but to cave into my fears, but he wants no part of it and thinks there is nothing wrong with him or thinks he's been understanding. Backstory is that I had my ocd well managed until I was pregnant with my little one and he was diagnosedwith a heart defect in utero. Diagnosis changed at birth and we were thrown head first into a very serious and immediate trauma. We were life flighted out of state, hand washed like crazy, had complication after complication, no sleep, handed my 5 day old baby over to a surgeon I had met 3 times for open heart surgery. 17 days of living in a hospital and beeping machines and intense fear that goes so far beyond what you could ever imagine as a first time parent. Flash forward to finally coming off ng feeding tube, tongue tie clip, partially paralyzed left diaphragm, oxygen dependent until 4 months old, pulse ox until 9 month old. Back to work at only 3 months. To say it was traumatic is a huge understatement. Flash forward again 3 years, husband hospital and diagnosed with heart failure not to mention how bad things got with worry during covid. I just don't know how to get it through to him how hard I am trying, how much I hate this, how awful the panic attacks are if I don't cave. My most overwhelming fear is of mice and hantavirus and we have had mice problems in out house th3 entire time hes lives here. Remodeled kitchen 3 years ago, so none in the house, but not so confident about the garage and yard. I freak out if he wabts to work in the yard or inbthe garage, make him shower, wash clothes 2-3 times, I clean his path from the door to shower while hes showering and then shower myelf. I want to get better, but he wants it like overnight. Any advise on things that have helped you make people in your life understand where you are coming from and where your heart is? I don't want to end my marriage, but I have been there for him through thick and thin and he's basically giving me an ultimatum that I can't fulfill at this time, and I can't promise him that I will ever be 100% either, but I'm giving all that I can. He thinks I've made zero progress and that I'm not trying at all. I'm feeling lost and sad. It's exhausting andbI know he feels like a prisoner, but I am terrified all the time. I can recognize that it's irrational and mostly unlikely, but hantavirus does kill people and we have that type of mice in our state not too far away. It is not a problem here, but I'm stuck on this fear and I cannot budge from it. It irrational but also not worth my sons life so in my mind totally rational, he's only 6 and getting closer and closer to his 2nd open heart surgery. Sorry, that was a book.

Anyone struggling with RJ?

Hey everyone. Not exactly OCD related. Broke up with my boyfriend a month ago. When we first started dating I realized he had some qualities I knew he couldn't change about himself just from his upbringing and the way his personality was. He made very hurtful, belittling, and hypercritical comments all the time and instead of leaving because he couldn't change those things I thought I just had to deal with them. But now that it's been a month I'm realizing how much I was hurting in the actual relationship from these comments. Did I just supress the pain while I was with him? The worst part about it is I found a way to blame myself because I didn't "stand up for myself" as much as I should have. Which may have been true but it's never your fault if someone is being manipulative and cruel. I felt the pain from these comments when he first started making them but when I realized he couldn't change I just acted like the pain wasn't there and now I'm dealing with it. I'm just discovering new pockets of pain everyday. I remember something he said once literally randomly and start to cry because of how much it hurt and still hurts and then keep going with my day. Has anyone had an experience like this in the process of their healing?

an aspect of my OCD that i’ve struggled with for a while is anxiety induced nausea and vomiting. in romantic situations where most people would get butterflies, i sometimes get extreme anxiety that leads me to throw up. this experience is always very scary, and it has, in the past, led to me having trouble eating enough because i’m worried i’ll throw up during a meal, especially if i’m eating around around the person i’m attracted to. something else i’ve noticed is that the anxious nausea tends to act up first thing in the morning, as i’m coming into consciousness. this doesn’t happen every morning by any means, but when it does, i notice that it starts by me having thoughts about whatever (or whoever) is stressing me out and they make me feel nauseous. but i’m going in and out of sleep so i’m also going in and out of nausea. but by the time i’m fully awake and not half stress dreaming, the nausea kicks in full force and sends me running to the bathroom. no matter if it’s in the morning, during a meal, whatever, once the pre throw up mode kicks in, it’s really hard for me to just move on from it. like my mouth starts to get filled with saliva and i keep swallowing it until i can’t take it anymore and i have to vomit. once i’m in that state, it’s hard to apply what i’ve learned in therapy bc i’m in such a panic mode. my therapist said that the goal is to not have to get to that panicked state in the first place, which i agree with, but still have trouble doing. i’m in ERP therapy right now and have been specifically focusing on this vomiting facet of my OCD, writing my worst case scenarios of throwing up daily. i think that’s been helpful, but i wanted to post this to the community or whatever in case anyone can relate to this or has some other exposures they’ve worked on that are related. so yeah if anyone can relate to any of this, let me know i want to chat! and if you have any advice for me regardless of if you’ve experienced this before, i’d love to hear it as well.

hi guys i’m currently having an ocd episode… basically i’m in a very healthy relationship with the love of my life & i am petrified of hurting him. it’s got to the point where i feel if i speak to someone of the opposite sex, i convince myself im cheating on him or being flirty even though the thought of cheating on him would never cross my mind & if i do that the guilt would end me. before i was speaking to someone on reddit regarding pip & mental health n were in the same situation as me. we talked and i found out it was a guy, i tried to calm myself down and tell myself its ok this is just a civilised chat but in the end the guy ending up making a flirty remark and now im spiralling thinking its my fault & i gave him the wrong impression even though i mentioned i have a boyfriend numerous times which i catch myself doing quite a lot, not that i think everyone i talk to is into me or anything but just to put it there im not interested im just casually talking. its really hard because im scared that this will hurt my boyfriend even though it was just nice to speak to someone who understood what i was going through - it was totally anonymous due to it being on reddit. this anxiety though is all consuming, im finding myself engaging in compulsions and my heart is racing so fast i want to pull it out of my chest. i just know i wont sleep until my boyfriend has read the message i sent him telling him about it.

My ROCD is throwing all of these intrusive thoughts at me and one that is particularly sticky is “you’re not excited enough about getting married to him” because we are eloping on Friday. It’s really making me anxious. Just gonna let the thought come and go. I just really want a Wedding, so I haven’t been in the head space of excitement if that makes sense? But I’m happy, and I love him, and I’m ready to marry him regardless of ROCD. I just hate this sticky thought. (Side note we are going to have a proper wedding in about a year or so once we know when his first deployment for the Navy will be, but right now eloping is the best step for the military and to stay living together through it all. Plus he really wants me to have his military benefits which I understand.) it’s just hard to get excited cause it’s not our proper wedding and I think I’m just being a baby about it. Rocd is not helping.

Yesterday i noticed the bad habbit in my family what made me suffer throughout my life. Im struggling with being kind and relating with love to myself, i dont say i hate myself, but i dont know what is actually loving yourself feels, or being kind. I always interpret it as a feeling, cause love is a feeling, but when im down i cant feel the love cause either im sad or im angry, and its impossible to feel love when you feel anger. So its been weeks now that something has slowly building up in me, and the last drop to it was when i was talking with my brother and he said i dont do nothing, i never do this i never do that, and this shit makes me angry cause no matter how many times you do something, one time you say no, you never did anything, you never helped them, that one time i didnt do something erases the other times i did it, and this happens alot of times in my family. Its always that i dont do nothing, i just lay in bed, yet i have i job, i have my own money and its been years that my parents doesnt have to give me any money, yet i dont do anything and i dont deserve any praise. Whats funny is that last week we bought a car and I paid almost half of the price of the car and i didnt even heard a "thank you" from my dad. But i heard today "you dont do anything" again. And when i tell them what i do, its always "this is normal this doesnt deserve praise". Yesterday was the time i realized that im not actually loved. Im only good if i do something really big, me having a job and having my own money is normal, i dont deserve love for that... it was so traumatizing, when i hit me that im not actually loved, and this made me so sad and since than it feels like im overreacted cause im keep spinning about it and i dont have alot of energy, it really stressed me out.i even thought about moving but im hesitant with it cause i dont have anyone to move with, i would live alone which is a bad idea. Loneliness would make things worse. But i think this is just an overreaction, not the sadness, but the thinking about moving and all that. And that i feel really bad for a long time now, its just makes me powerless, i know that this means i dont process these feelings in the right way. Im really grumpy and i dont want to talk with anyone, expecially with my family. Can you give me advicea what should help me go through this and not overreact it, just move through it soberly? Also i want to learn how to love myself, what it means and how to be kind with myself without cringing or feeling like im avoiding the problem, im just being nice with myself...

I just want to be happy with my boyfriend and I genuinely don’t know what to do. How will I get over this… every time I find some peace something from my past comes to haunt me and I always find a reason as to why that means I’m gay. Every time I think well I’ve liked guys my whole life I convince myself that it was all fake. This sucks and I’m so tired of this. I want 100% certainty and I don’t know how to be okay without it. It wouldn’t be fair to him if I’m gay and I hurt him down the road. The last thing I would ever want to do it hurt him that’s why I want to figure this out and be done with it once and for all