Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Guys, it's been 6 months into my journey with recovery from OCD. As a self-identified Christian, straight male, with strong desires to want the world to have absolute meaning, to get married to a woman, to have a family, I've had very very distressing thoughts throughout the last few years of my life, especially learning about how uncertain our world, and truly life is. However, I am doing a lot better. I don't need to feel the need to compulsively prove to myself that I am or I am not those things. I understand as human we can change and sometimes we won't change. However, the underlying suffering of the anxiety, and the reinforcing behavior has lessened so so much. Even if my life doesn't turn out how I want it to, I don't have to suffer with extreme anxiety and compulsive behavior over a simple thought. Keep doing your ERP, even when you don't feel like it. You'll have bad days, you'll have good days. In my experience, it's always a cycle. And you can move forward, stay present and keep going, fellow OCD warriors!

So I'm suffering with SO-OCD I'm a female (22) who's struggling about if I'm gay or Bi and I have a bf of 6 years so the struggle is intense cause it's always idk idk idk, am I? what if ? and so on. And I keep thinking of all these things and evidence stuff and all that overthinking. I thought I was straight??? Now I'm just confused because I keep thinking and thinking. The classic. But I wanted to ask, is it a ocd thing if you feel like you wanna say certain things outloud? Like for example, I've been tryna re-watch my anime again cause I had a crush on literally all the guys on this one show and I was like well maybe if I put this on I'll be comfortable or whatever. But now, I'm only focusing on the girls only, and now my brain keeps feeling like I have crushes on them or it makes me wanna say " I like -insert female name-". I can't quite explain it but when I would usually fan girl over my anime guys or real life male celebs I'd literally be like I LOVE CHRIS EVANS, I'M A SIMP FOR USUI ( male characters) or whatever. And now it feels like I wanna do that to the females. But it's so odd cause idk?????????? I'm just confused, cause now it feels like I'm not even attracted to my male crushes I use to have or just guys in general. BUT I will say when I do see a guy I was once attracted too like for example Jensen Ackles, I feel like my brain just pushes it away bevause it's like " you're distracted thinking about girls only so you can't find him attractive anymore" I can't explain it well but yeah. And literally like maybe 2 months ago I literally was being a simp for one of my anime men and I'd literally talk about it for weeks or days and save every edit known to man haha. But now I'm like idk And at work too, my boss hired like another employee for the meantime, and I have worked with her sorda but she was doing stuff on the other side of the wall. But I feel like I keep looking or checking or observing I guess? But now since I'm gonna like officially work with her for a lil bit tomorrow at the cashier and such. I'm afraid I'm going to develop a crush on her cause I'm gonna be near her for once. It's silly I know but idk I just feel I guess nervous? Cause I don't wanna develop feelings or anything? But i just feel like what if I'm in denial? And fyi all my coworkers are girls but this was before I had my so-ocd theme. So I guess my question is, why is it do I feel like I wanna say such things out loud to female characters or real life people like celebs. Like " I wanna date so and so" like out of nowhere when I think of a specific female when I'm alone or I guess I wanna confess that to my bf too And is it also a ocd thing where I feel like I'm gonna develop feelings or a crush because she's a girl and new and I'm thinking of like maybe I will get feelings because my brain is so fixated on women rn? I'm just stress cause I have a bf of 6 Years and I've talked to him about this and he really just wants me to relax one day without thinking so much. But I just feel so irritated because I see so many different post about this theme and I just feel like stuck or the only one I guess? I do find females attractive and very pretty but I also am a artist as well and I usually just find people pretty or attractive in different ways. Like if I see a women who just looks stunning. I'm literally in awe at how beautiful she can be. I actually have a coworker and I actually told her this like almost 2 years ago that I thought she was so pretty and stuff and like she can be a model. In a compliment type of way, she's just stunning to me you know? But I don't think I saw her as a love interest of anything. I just really thought she was pretty. But when I would see a cute guy, I'd get nervous I guess? Or just like oh he's cute you know? Sorry I'm just thinking so much, I'm just tired of this theme, it's so annoying. I just wanna go back to being who I thought I was and I do miss fangiriling over my characters I had crushes on but now I just be having doubts about everything of what my SO is. Sorry for this long message. Thanks for anyone who replies or understands the situation. It's definitely tough :/

i constantly overthink my relationahip with my boyfriend. i constantly am like “am i not in love with him?” simply bc i dont find his voice as attractive as some other men, or bc i dont get butterflies whenever he texts me or calls me nicknames. i constantly iverthink everything i do and i am obssesed with every number i see ending in a 5 or a 0 and if it doesnt i get secerely uncomfortable. i make everything even and i have to have a specific order for all my jewelery and stuff. im tired of struggling everyday.

I’m starting to feel like recovery is not possible. I want to love my boyfriend again. I want to be with him forever. The pain in my chest is becoming unbearable. The headache I have everyday is becoming unbearably exhausting. Losing this relationship will be the biggest regret of my life but I’m also scared that staying will be the biggest regret of my life.

I don’t know why, but my ROCD is really loud right now. I’m obsessed with the idea of our relationship being “right”. Do I need to work on myself more before I can be in a good relationship? (My relationship is great by the way) Am I really going to commit to this person for the rest of my life? Is he holding me back? These are just a few of the questions I’m obsessed with right now. It’s so tiring and I just want to be able to enjoy my relationship for what it is. I’m feeling so sad and down. I’m trying not to search for reassurance but it’s also scary because I think “is this my OCD or is this real and true”. Any advice on how to help this. NOCD doesn’t take my insurance so I can’t go to therapy currently.

Agh! OCD is driving me crazy, like I can’t believe how great it is at making people feel horrible about themselves. So I am getting married to the love of my life in November and my ocd is trying to convince me I did something bad these past 5 years that will ruin my relationship. I know I haven’t done anything but it feels like I somehow forgot! Also, it’s bothering me about my past mistakes before him, my ocd is trying to convince me my fiancé is going to leave me because of all my past mistakes before him. Jeez! This feels soooo real it’s killing me!!!!

Do any of you mix up dates and sometimes find that you stress if you did something whilst in a relationship which would result in you being a cheater I remember something from 6 years ago but my brain is saying it was 5 years ago or potentially overlapping when i met my now boyfriend but its not true, im sure of it - but the ocd wont let me be sure…. Hate this!! Anyone relate?

I know I love my boyfriend but I have this constant weight in my chest then I get anxious that I don’t actually love him. What can I do 😭😭 We almost broke up yesterday and I finally had some emotion to the fact of him leaving bc of my rocd. I lost it. I don’t want to lose him but I have no feelings towards him. I’m not excited, I am fearful. I’m scared. Please help me

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. Whenever im with him, my thoughts seem to calm down a little and I can redirect my thoughts and we laugh and play and like in normal relationships fight for really funny reasons. But during our vacations, we live in two different places , my thoughts get worse . Do i love him, am i forcing it . How do ik if im forcing myself to love him? Because i want to be with him. Hes an amazing person. Every where ive checked they asked me to answer a question, “how do u feel when you’re in a clear state of mind” So now im think about the time before i had any of these intrusive thoughts. And i feel happy. Its beautiful with him. But all this questioning and doubts is making me feel otherwise . What do i do? Someone please just let know how do i know the difference . ?

When I first started with NOCD I was so anxious I could barely even eat and sleep. I had just gotten a new boyfriend and I was so anxious about it because I wasn’t sure if he was right for me, if I liked him like that, or if I loved him enough. I remember one night I broke down and I talked to my mom about all my troubles- which I typically avoided because she would always give me triggering answers such as “If you feel this way maybe it’s a sign” or “Listen to your gut feeling”. But this time I talked to her was different. She saw I was starting to really like this guy and she recommended I start looking for a therapist to help me out. So began my therapist hunt. I tried a lot of different therapists but none of them actually understood what I was going through, and that made me feel even more hopeless. Then I found NOCD. My mom was hesitant to let me try this type of therapy because she refused to believe I would ever have OCD. But she agreed to let me have one session. And then I met my therapist. I told her everything from the get go and instead of the usual shocked look I was used to, she met me with a warm smile and an “I understand”. She diagnosed me with OCD on our first or second session, and we were just talking about how it presented in my life, and everything just started to click. It all started to make so much sense, and I’d never had more hope for a better future than I did in that moment. I told my mom everything she said and she agreed to let me keep seeing my therapist- and then the road to healing began. I eventually told my new boyfriend at the time that I had ROCD, and he told me he would be there for me, and he was always in my corner proud of me for doing the work to get better. The amount of times I’ve heard “Healing is not linear” from my therapist whenever I would come into session anxious to the max about wether I was on the right track or if I was doing enough to get better is astronomical. She was always there to help me through what I was feeling in the moment, so that I could learn to do it myself. I remember days in the past 6 months that I went crying to my boyfriend or my therapist saying how hard it was and how I wanted to give up, but fortunately for me they never gave up on me. They were always there to help me get back on track when I needed it, and I couldn’t be more thankful to them. And I guess today is the day that I became an “OCD Conqueror”. Even though I know I have a long journey ahead of me, getting to this point in my journey tells me that I’m strong enough to keep going. Not every day is gonna be easy, but now I know I have the tools within me to keep doing the damn thing. I did it :)

For context we’ve been together for over 4 years now. We’ve fought A LOT but we have a lot of great days together. I’m always the one that brings things up to him but to an excessive extent and then it ends up in a fight which then later diffuses and we talk about it. But these fights get worse and worse and they get my brain thinking that what if we’re just not meant for eachother. I can be one day feeling perfect and happy and ready to marry this man and then the next I can feel unhappy and unloved and unfulfilled all cuz I had to ask him to give me more kisses and more affection the way I like overall and I tell myself if he was in love I would take have to ask him for it. I never know if what I’m feeling is right and I always feel crazy because I know I can go overboard sometimes and start big arguments over things that aren’t so big. I never know when to trust my own feelings since I never know if I’m overreacting to something or genuinely feeling it. This has been too much on him and I know he’s been feeling unhappy with me because he feels all I do is fight and constantly am unhappy with him. He feels like I’m never truly happy cuz I always find something to he upset over and the sad part is that I think he’s right. I’ve noticed I truly always do find anything to pick out or be upset over and I just never know when something is truly bothering me or just might be me picking something out just to “test” if he would be “The One”. Listen, I know there is no “The One” but my brain genuinely always goes to try and find every reason to push him away. I hate it! I hate that I always try to find some reason and add all them up to justify us “not being right for eachother”. Worse part is that right now I think I finally overdid it….he went off the deep end and I don’t think he’s coming back. He’s tired and rightfully so cuz I know I make him feel like he’s not good enough ever. and Listen this man really does try! He always tries to listen to me and to do the little things I ask of him so it’s not like he’s given up without trying. But again, nothing is ever enough for my brain. I don’t want to lose him even though that’s what my brain tries to do, “push him away”. I’ve seen my life with him and I love him so deeply. But, I do believe I can’t keep living like this. And the worst part is that I sometimes don’t know when he’s overreacting or if I’m just actually going overboard. So I never know if to trust my instincts or not since I always feel crazy. I feel like we never found a good way to actually discuss concerns or issues without starting a whole fight which certainly doesn’t help and at this rate Idk if we can. I also don’t know if the best thing is to just let go or to keep fighting for us. We’ve always kept fighting for each other cuz we love eachother so much but Idk if that’s the right thing. I don’t know what to do you guys. I need help…I feel like I need therapy again or something…Idk what’s wrong with me😔

how can you accept the uncertainty when it's about hurting someone you love? i feel like i will never get it. it makes me feel selfish and like i don't care

im so anxious and i want to cry so bad, im so afraid i might have cheated on my lover but i don't even remember if i actually did it. i remember making suggestive jokes ( for my gf it's not cheating unless it's a blatant flirty joke ) to my friend but I don't remember my intentions and there's no way for me to remember what i thought while i was saying a stupid joke YEARS ago. i love them more than anything i don't want to have hurt her but there's no way for me to know that im actually a good partner. im so tired and scared i hate this illness so much I'm miserable. I want to cry but i cant

It feels like my boyfriend is ‘another compulsion” because he makes me happy and that is what ocd does, but when he is gone, my mind can go everywhere. Mostly thinking im not attracted to men (im bi and for some reason i feel like i have to choose 1 gender, and that that would be women) even though i know that i dont have to choose and can just be happy with my bf. But then my mind can go “but are you happy” or “youre not aroused right now or aroused enough so your gay or you dont like bf” Thats really hard, because my one of my biggest fears is being with a man all my life (having a family etc) and then falling in love with a woman and throw it all away. I really really love my boyfriend, but it can feel like this is not my real identity and im doing the wrong thing. Like when im not thinking about it, if thats maybe my ocd and not the overthinking. Does anyone understand?

Hey guys does anyone literally have a panic attack whenever you have to be in a situation (romantically) with a man?? Like I will literally freak the fuck out and throw up I mean that so seriously lol. I think it started after my abusive ex boyfriend.

do you ever feel paralyzed or scared to just get out of bed because what if the thoughts get worse because you're interrupting your mind being distracted i dread having to get up to even use the bathroom. being with my boyfriend helps but then it just gets bad again even while im with him. I just can't function im starting a new job soon too and I'm in online college. I can't bring myself to do any of it. the guilt, shame, anxiety, and fears just take over.

My name is Ann and I'm from Jamaica and I'm a teenager , growing up my life wasn't easy but my life was decent however I wasn't really close to my family so I grew to stay by myself and stay in my room and stay on social media. growing up I didn't really have a lot of friendships and the ones I did have unfortunately ended. I always felt left out by my bigger sisters however I always wanted to be like them so my childhood was surrounded by making up scenarios in my head for example my relationship would end and I would play music and imagining myself in the middle of his school dancing and he regretted leaving. I got hurt in every relationship I've been in and I wasn't close to anyone so I ended being the person that would talk to herself and if someone upset me I would argue with them even though they weren't there and that followed up with me being an attention seeker for example I would fake faint for attention and that's how bad it became and Even after that I kept living life and kept in my emotions. Fast forward I started dating this boy and he introduced smoking to me (weed) I did it for just a couple week in which I stopped because I got high and it made me scared because it felt like my mind was racing n I didn't know what was going on and my mom said I was acting mad so I develop up a fear of even going back in that state but I didn't give that thought any attention so it went away for awhile until out of the bloom I had a panic attack n I my heart was racing n I started being scared that im going to go mad and I'm going to lose my mind and I will end up on the road and everyone will treat me horribly and it became very overwhelming n I kept crying n I couldn't sleep and this fear was there for awhile n the fear got worse when I heard someone I know was losing there mind and hearing voices so that made it worse so I guess that triggered me even more and I went to the doctor cause I thought the stomach feeling was the reason it was happening but she gave me medicine and it still didn't work so I decide to learn more and I figured out it was anxiety and then I thought it was hypochondria and now I think it's ocd, I got thoughts that I was going to stab my mom and I dont want to do that but I thought about the time when I was a kid when I chocked a kid because the kid was crying too much and I feel complete guilt even though I was a kid as well I still feel like a bad person for that and then I have thoughts that I'm going to lose control in my sleep and do something then I got derealization and I was doing fine at first because I learned that everything happens because of ocd and I just need to accept it n sit with the discomfort until this morning I woke up and I was looking just thinking until my thoughts overlaped like I thought something then I thought about what I just thought so I was confused n I got scared and I thought that what if I'm losing my mind and I started trying to think normally but I just couldn't and my mind is blank and I'm not thinking anything now I'm scared of talking because I don't want to talk and it doesn't make sense.... What is going on with me rn and do I feel like I can't think anymore? I feel like I want to commit suicide n just overdose myself bec6of how I feel

So i use to get a lot of relationship OCD. I recently got into a relationship two months ago. i have been experiencing some relationship OCD thoughts like “do i like my partner enough” and to complete the compulsion of telling them that i am having this thought. I use to be able to conquer them but after bringing it up in therapy it got worse. does anyone have any recommendations on how to conquer this compulsion and thought? I don’t want to scare my partner away.

I don’t know where to start and don’t want to write a really long msg. I am really in a dip. I struggle to accept I have ocd and that there’s not some real issues or something else the matter with me. Even though I relate to ocd and can see its has clearly been part of the picture in the past and despite a psychologist saying it sounded like ocd I find it hard to believe or accept. What i’m experiencing feels so real. I have persistent fears about my child being abducted and have horrible graphic images related to that. I also have a lot of anxiety in my relationship (which is challenging) plus I have other life stressors going on. I have worried my boyfriend is a paeodophile and set up cameras in my daughter’s room. I also fear he will harm or kill me. That he’s cheating on me or has done and I said this one day. My boyfriend had been out late getting drunk and I couldn’t get hold of him. I said I feared he was shagging someone out the back of the pub. At the time he was kind and loving and said not to think those things and that he wouldn’t do that and loved me. However those words obviously stayed with him and he’s since been very angry that I thought that and finds it insulting and says I obviously don’t trust him and that maybe it’s me that’s doing what I fear he’s doing. I got angry and said I’ve an anxiety disorder and he said not to raise my voice to him and he stormed off and left. That was the night before my birthday. He called the next day to say happy birthday and made no mention of him storming off and made no apology when I saw him later. He gave me flowers and presents and took me out for dinner then made comments about the age I had turned (I’m 3 years older) he says it’s just a joke and banter but I feel it’s disrespectful. Anyway my child who is with her dad wanted to say goodnight to me (she’s been not wanting to stay there which has added to my anxiety that something will happen to her - that her not wanting to stay there is a sign and she isn’t safe and that something will happen) Anyway she rang whilst my boyfriend and I were having sex (which felt a bit aggressive/violent but I didn’t speak up. He eventually said what do u want as it’s your birthday and I said to go slow which he did) Anyway we stopped having sex and I answered the call from my child. She was ok and we spoke briefly. My boyfriend was really angry and said all sorts of things about my ex having had a ex with me on my birthday in the past and what did he think we were doing and he should have told my child not to call. He said he felt like I made him look like an idiot and that he doesn’t know how long he can carry on never having time alone with me without being interrupted. He left and went to his house but not til after I’d fallen asleep. I woke up and panicked to see his car gone and thought he’d gone to harm my ex or daughter or both or that he’d gone somewhere else to have sex with someone else as we didn’t finish. It feels like I’m living in some sort of nightmare with this amount of fear and distrust going on.

my dad is scaring me saying I’m gonna go to jail if I’m 18 and still dating my gf, my gf is two years younger than me, I mean he didn’t necessarily say that but I feel like he did, because I don’t understand, I’m so scared I’m gonna go to jail or I’m doing something wrong… please let me know, I do not know law stuff.