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Guys I’m still have these ocd thought there soooo bad . I can’t find peace I keep offending the Holy spirit . And life hurts. Please pray for me I’m crying.

Hello. I downloaded this app because of a cousin who has been through and is currently experiencing things similar to me and she said this helps her not feel so alone. So here I am. My name is Emma and I’m a 15 year old from Texas. In 2015, when I was 4/5 years old, I was ripped away from my grandparents (who took care of me) and placed with my father (who abused my drug addicted mother) and his wife, my step mom. “Dana” is what I’ll call her. When I first arrived at my dads and Dana’s house I didn’t suspect anything bad. I just missed my grandparents. Until Dana started to sexually, mentally and physically abuse me at a very young age. She would lock me in dark rooms, hit me with spoons and tell me to blame the marks it left on my grandparents as she tried to heal them or whatever. Dana told me that I was a snake and my dad didn’t love me. She showed me pictures of mens private parts and, although my memory of this incident is blurry, I do remember taking a “bath” with her once and never again. But Dana is just where my problems started. Whenever my grandparents won the custody battle, I came home, but not as the same kid who left. My thoughts were now very sexual if that makes sense, and I started to have sexual thoughts about family members and other thoughts in which I couldn’t control. I had basically developed a very dirty mind from an earlier age due to this abuse I went through at Dana’s house of horrors. These intrusive thoughts had eventually calmed now because as I got older I learned how to (somewhat) control them, but they still invade my mind today. The sexual abuse I endured also led to a short-lived porn addiction that stopped in 2020/2021 after I turned to God. These thoughts are also kind of like OCD, but like ‘if you don’t get this right all your loved ones will die’ and ‘if you do this God won’t love you and you’ll go to hell’ and what not. Now onto my present day problems Also, my grandparents are cattle people. They raise beef steers and breeding heifers. I started to show steers (a boy cow basically) in 2018. Of course, like any other animal-obsessed kids, I always fell in love with my steers. But, if you don’t know this already, FFA kids raise their “projects” or “show animals” for their county fair or other major livestock shows/expositions and at the end of every year my steers were slaughtered. I learned this at a young age but wasn’t too affected until I started to win, until I started to gain attention from random people because of what I’d accomplished in the show cattle industry, and I started to really get attached to my show animals. Just recently, I had a steer named Flash, and my goodness did I fall in love with that steer. We won almost every show we went to and were known by many people in my county. At the end of the year, Flash won Grand Champion Market Steer at the 2024 YMBL South Texas State Fair. At the fair, which lasted a week, I had to leave Flash in fair grounds in his champion pen the staff always provides for the winners (Grand and Reserve.) The fair always ends on my birthday, March 30th, which means I also have to leave my favorite animals on a day most would celebrate, but I dread all year long. Leaving Flash made me loose all self worth and also deem everything else the world had to offer meaningless. I became extremely depressed and bipolar, which, by the way, I still struggle with intense depression. I started thinking of killing my self. I told myself that if a painless way to end my life ever arose I would do it. I would end it all, just to see Flash again. Also in 2022, a heifer I loved so much, possibly more than Flash, prolapsed and died a painful death, leaving her baby behind. (We still have her baby.) The day this heifer died will always be ingrained in my head. When I got off the bus from the school, I ran to the end of my driveway before realizing my heifer, who I called Ms Kitty, really was dead. I dropped to my knees and sobbed in the driveway until my grandpa came and got me. Later that day I forced myself to look at the bloody trailer and I cried. I looked at the place where she was buried. But I got over Ms Kitty. Now onto the other problems. My grandpa went to Vietnam and told me stories. Like a normal kid would, I became obsessed and wanted to learn everything about the war. Me and my cousin played a game at night that resembled Vietnam. Until I stopped treating it like a game and let the events that took place in that horrible war shake me to my core. My grandpa also told me a story where one of his only friends, because according to him he tried his best not to make friends in case they died, was hit by some type of bomb or something and his body was blown in half. That scarred me as a child and I still think about it to day. All of that war phase I had as a kid affects me. Last week my family put on some Vietnam war movie. I started crying and had to make them turn it off. It just affects me somehow…and I know I’m not a veteran and I don’t know half of the problems vets go through, it still affects me and makes me depressed. All of these problems, amongst smaller things, make me want to end my life; I want the sadness and depression to end, I want to be with my family and Flash in heaven. I don’t want to live on this cruel world any longer than I have to. During the daytime, I’m happy and I laugh. There are days where I’m sad regardless of what time it is, but for the post part, every night I cry alone in my room, read my Bible and pray for God to take me and my grandparents to Heaven so I can see Flash all my other loved ones and animals and end my suffering. Before I end this post, I just want to add that I wouldn’t ever cause myself any harm. I’m a very low pain tolerance type of person and I’m even terrified of needles, so at least for now, Im in now real danger and wouldn’t ever act on my sucicidial thoughts. (Hope I spelt it right.)

Hi all, I’m having a spike in my ROCD and am just going to vent but am open to comments / helpful words as well :) I’ve been experiencing ROCD for about a year now, been living with my fiancee (M) and love him to death. I picture having his babies, I can’t wait to marry him, I’m excited for our future together and see myself being really happy with him. However, y’all know how it is when you get triggered. It makes me feel like I’m behind a clear shower curtain staring at the world through a wall of my own emotions that I can’t poke through and get out of, but can see through. Then I’ll randomly snap out of it (maybe from spinning to the point of numbness) and feel fine and happy and content. It’s hard because we’re engaged and we’re set to get married at the end of the year. So the whole “don’t make a decision yet, give it 6 months” won’t work because we’re getting married in 6 months 😂 I love him. I just question a lot of things and need absolute certainty all the time. I’m learning that I can be a very black and white thinker and take things very literally, so that probably ties into it too. I just want to be normal again. I feel the most guilt ever when I get into these ruminations, and wonder if he deserves better— someone who knows what they want and can be with him and not feel how I feel sometimes. Lately I’ve been hyperfixated on if I actually want to settle down and have kids or if that’s just what we’re trained to think, so what if I travel the world instead …….(but we can travel together so, what? lol) Or I went to a baseball game and had the thought of maybe I wanna date a baseball player …..(I don’t even like baseball!😂) Add being religious into that mix, and then it becomes “well what if GOD doesn’t want me with him and is trying to force me to leave??” So then I pray “god, if you don’t want me with this man, show me please!!!” And 3 hours later my man surprised me with flowers and a hand written note professing his love for me. But then it’s back to the spin cycle days later. I’m in OCD / trauma therapy and for the first time today, I spiraled before my therapy appointment, and was able to explain how that felt to her. Then I mentioned the guilt behind planning a wedding while feeling like this (she knows we’re engaged) and she said “you know, this is the first time you’ve mentioned the wedding in the entirety of our appointments” and THAT is making me spiral because I don’t know what she means by that! Am I supposed to be talking about the wedding to my therapist? I don’t know? Anyways, I don’t know yall. I don’t want to leave and I want to see this through and marry the man I’ve loved for so many years, but sometimes I get wrapped up in the mess of all of it. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes I don’t want to even leave my bed because I’m so bummed and sad. Thanks for reading.

Hey guys! Does anyone ever feel like there intrusive thoughts are so bad that you fear being punished from God? Fear of being punished for all those bad or evil intrusive thoughts ? I try to wake up every morning and forget about the thoughts but I can help but feel so much guilt , shame and embarrassment. I feel like my happiness has been stripped away from me. I am fed up of feeling this way. I hate feeling this way, I am constantly afraid that god will punish me for having these bad thoughts and that I will pay for my sins (intrusive thoughts ). Can anyone help or relate to this ?

hi i’ve been struggling with religion recently. when i was younger i went to a catholic school that was very poorly run and as a result i decided to not follow a religion when i left. within the past few months dealing with my ocd made me feel like there was no hope other than turning back to religion. i have been praying more frequently and i talk to God a lot abt my ocd. however i just bought a new cross necklace and have been wearing it for the past few days. however i got the intrusive thought this morning that if i wear a cross it means i am a hardcore conservative christian. and although there’s nothing wrong with that if you are, it is most definitely not who i am. so now i don’t know if i should still wear it. bc i also feel like if i take it off God will be mad at me and i’ll go to hell. i don’t go to church or read the bible or anything my religious journey to me is just the relationship between me and God and i am extremely private about it bc it’s extremely person to me. i just don’t know if following a religion is a good thing for me to do with ocd idk if lost

Hi guys, I’m a follower of Christ and I definitely have a lot of religious OCD I’m always thinking I’m committing the unforgivable sin, and always thinking that God can never forgive me. And there’s so many people that have their own idea of what they think the unforgivable sin is so it makes me have even more anxiety and honestly I really need help because it’s been a few years now that I’ve been battling this and I just want to live comfortably in my faith

I feel like ERP both works and doesn’t. My OCD is very much mental and trying to resist compulsions is an all-day task. When I do my ERP homework, it works for that scenario but OCD comes back the same force later. I am tired at this point. Days are long but I don’t feel like much happened. My prayer life is the only thing that works as joy is being sucked out of everything else. Did anyone else go through a stubborn bout of this?

Just sharing this a bit as I got to terms with the end of my high school career. I feel like I've spent a big time after starting medication on rumination and just feeling overall terrible. I didn't recieve any treatment until it got unbearable for myself, my family, my friends, and my school work. I was constantly having breakdowns and trying to get someone around me to understand. I can recall instances of these breakdowns where I would just get called crazy and irrational, which does not help at all. I was always terrified of getting close to people. I start having bad intrusive thoughts but I know that I would never want to hurt anyone. I can't stop thinking if people would've just taken me seriously in the beginning I could've done so much better. I had many failing grades as a lot of days my mind gets so occupied by every little thing ever I can't even just focus on working. This made my post-grad plans complicated. I want to apologize to the pain I've caused to my family and anyone involved in my life. I'm scared if they touched me I'll contaminate them with something. I was also constantly in ans out of hospital from stress relatwd illnesses as well as "illnesses" my brain convinced me I had. I feel like an instrument of destruction. When I was really young I was fully convinced I was the anti-christ and the only way to change that is if I ended my life. I went off on a tangent, but overall I'm glad at last I could get some chemical relief. While it still effects me everyday, I try to push myself out of my boundaries while making sure I have people around me to reassure me even if the reassurance is "if you do get a heart attack we'll call an ambulance". The best advice that has worked for me as a hypochondriac ia when i feel like mind spiraling to crazy ends like illnesses and possible deaths, I think abt even if you were getting close to it, theres always a way to srop it through diagnoses and help from professionals. It calms me a little to know that even if my obsessions are "right"(they never are), There is always a solution to it. Hope as time goes on I can come to terms with the way my brain is wired, and function like the ones around me do. I had a therapist told me I was incredible for staying in school despite all that I've told her. I felt a relief at that moment since for the longest time I thought I wasn't doing Thanks for making it to the very end sorry for the incredible long vent!

Does anybody else with religion OCD ever feel like no matter how many times you tell yourself that God is watching over you your body just won’t let you feel safe? And does anyone with religion OCD ever feel like because it has to do with religion, it is so much bigger? I’m currently sitting in my bedroom in paralysis because I don’t know what to do with myself in my mind. Can anyone with religion OCD weigh in?

PLEASE READ. Ok so I’ve had these intrusive thoughts for a while and essentially at their core they’re about worshipping the devil. I’ve always been scared of doing a prayer to the devil (specifically out loud). Recently for ERP practice my therapist has had me say the word “devil.” We’ve also watched videos about people who have made deals with the devil and videos talking about the devil himself. These are really triggering for me but I understand they’re meant to be as ERP. However, this stuff has really amped up my doubts and I’m not even really sure how to explain them. Basically I’m doubting if I even believe in what I’ve considered my core beliefs, and whether or not I would want to worship the devil. Moreover the fear of saying a bad prayer aloud has spiked especially because I’ve already said the word “devil” aloud. Then I tell myself that if I do it as a form of ERP it would be fine, but then i wonder if my doing it would actually be as ERP or because I actually want to, which stresses me out more about doing the prayer. I haven’t actually done it aloud but I’m scared of doing so.

Hey guys ! Can anyone share some tips or advice for coping with shame and guilt that come from having intrusive thoughts. I feel like these thoughts are taking over my life. I hate these thoughts , these thoughts are the total opposite of what I want to think of. I keep obsessing over the fact that im afraid that god won’t forgive me for having these intrusive thoughts. I keep praying and ask god for his forgiveness. Do you guys have an advice on this ?

I’m a Christian who loves the Bible. I can feel in my core that belief. What makes it hard is the way my OCD latches on to what others say about the Bible. My faith is hard because there are SO many different opinions that are all valid. It’s a matter of choice but my brain keeps asking me if I’m making the right choice. I can recognize faith being a matter of choice and not logic. But why can’t my brain accept that? It wants 100% proof and for everyone to agree with me:( causes me to have panic attacks and extreme anxiety because it just won’t stop

Today we had a win. I’ve been struggling with false memory OCD for about 2 months now. One of my compulsions involved compulsively praying. I have a really complicated relationship with religion and god. Like, REALLY complicated. And on top of that I always worry that I’m not praying right or I’m not being thankful enough or that I’m not deserving enough to be religious or that I’m a bad person, the list goes on. So today, I had the urge to compulsively pray. But rather than give in, I asked my husband if he would do something really out of our comfort zone. An “anti-prayer” if you will. Where we just pray WRONG. He was skeptical at first. And I was too. But we told god now mad at the world we were. How we were mad that the OCD was something we have to deal with. How our loved ones have been taken away. How we are worried about the state of our country. How we hate everything that’s going on in the world right now. And how it’s really hard to see the positives when we’re so mad at god. How we don’t understand why he’s putting us through all these trials. How it’s frustrating us to not know what the future holds. How my husband hates that I’m suffering with OCD. At the end of it, we told god that our anger MAY be misdirected, but that we figured it’s best to just be honest with how we’re feeling rather than sugar coating it and being thankful when we are just plain-ole MAD. After we finished, my husband said that he never really just SAT with his anger like that before. And how he’s always so worried about who he was and who he wants to be that he’s never really focused on who he IS in the present moment. And that taught me a lot about mindfulness. I may not have it all figured out. I may make mistakes. I may want to be better. But who I am right now is someone who is growing and learning to love herself. Take it easy on yourself, be honest with how you’re feeling. And remember that it’s okay to feel mad, upset, etc.

I’m religious and kind of practicing, unable to fully commit because an inspirational message shared by a prominent member of the religion turned into a trigger for me. Essentially, the central message of the address was that, when it comes to how we spend our time, we could be engaged in good things, even better of things, or the best things, and it’s up to us how we want to spend the time God gave us It’s caused me to develop the phrase “good, better, best” as a mantra and I feel constantly overwhelmed now. No matter what I’m doing, in the back of my mind I know there are better things I could spend my time on and it causes me to feel intrinsically guilty for simply trying to enjoy my leisure time It extends into long-term things as well. For example, last year I had to change jobs because my OCD was affecting my job performance. I went from a web developer to computer repair and it feels like I dropped from a “better” career to a “good” career. It feels like I’ll never be satisfied with myself in terms of my profession until I can get back to coding, which I don’t even know would be a good thing for me, mental health-wise I wake up most mornings already feeling like I’m failing to measure up to some impossibly high standard that no one even set for me, and it’s exhausting. I don’t know how get by when I feel like all my energy is spent stressing that I’m not the most productive person alive

I am very dedicated non-denominational Christian and I have been diagnosed with OCD. My thoughts are telling me I am going to go to hell if I listen to any other music besides gospel music and that I don’t actually believe in God even though I know I do. Does this happen to anyone else? What can I do?

I had to ask God today if my whole life was just going to be struggling to right my wrongs. That is how it has seemed to be for so many years now. They are long since paid and I hope one day to be repaid but that day is hard to find. Apart from that the heroin addict keeps approaching me so I've told the police about him now. It would be so easy to be violent with him as there is nothing holding him up, he's all bones. His friend was chiming in and getting cocky too today so it is getting worse.

Hey all...so I just had this thing happen a couple of days ago. I wrote about it earlier, but have been obsessing and can't sleep. Please help if you can... I have a fear of numbers, mainly 6 which is a religious thing. We were having this fun drawing for picking gifts. 1 to 25 was written on tiny pieces of paper. I was the second to draw. In my head, I kept saying, " please don't be 6" and of course, it was. I drew the freaking number out of the remaining 24. Now I feel as if I am evil or can conjur this bad stuff to manifest. It has reinforced this feeling of evil. I say I'm a believer in Christ but this has scared me so desperately bad. It seems as if there is no relief. With ERP you choose to expose yourself to your triggers. This feels as if it was chosen for me...by something malevolent? Oh God, please help! My mind is out of control...

Hello guys, I’m having a hard weekend. Of all the what ifs. I hate how ruminating causes me a lot of depression. Sometimes I feel so trapped in my own body idk if anyone else can relate. I’m so tired of telling others about how I feel because I know that: 1) Is getting annoying 2) Is not helpful So I’m stuck feeling this dread. And guilt that I keep ruminating. Any tips or advice about this?? I feel like I’m disappointing God sometimes by paying too much attention to what the thoughts and feelings I’m getting but they’re so hard to ignore. Feed back would be greatly appreciated.):

The fear: I’m not good enough The obsession: my pastors righteousness The compulsion: trying to prove his unrighteousness The story: my wife and I got kicked off the worship team because we were arguing a lot, it’s a lot better now but it’s still not where I’d like it… the pastor who kicked us off is guilty of adultery and in my state that’s even a felony. I’m feeling not good enough because I’m not righteous enough to serve but I haven’t committed adultery… there’s a major conflict here. To make matters worse, my wife picked sides with the pastor, even after I begged him to at least let her serve on the worship team as I self deprecated to prove that she is blameless and that I should be the only one to suffer this punishment. This all happened in January, now it’s July and I’m having a hard time still… Help! I just want these thoughts to go away and leave me alone… I can’t prove his unrighteousness, everyone knows about it and they like him more than me because I’m some sort of OCD freak to them, or maybe that’s just the OCD talking… help!

Hey ! Does anyone think that intrusive thoughts are sinful? Does god punish us for our bad thoughts ?