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I’ve hade a bad day today kinda of told my person we aren’t dating right now but I told him in just going to focus on my school and let God heal me and see what he does with us I’m so tired idk I kinda give up to ocd today I feel so exhausted pray for me

I’m embarrassed writing about this looking back now it was all so uncalled for and down right crazy, a few years ago I was convinced I had “sold my soul” to the devil i prayed on my knees sobbing begging god to forgive me. I was scared to even say “Satan” in my head and when I did I would hit myself trying to stop and I couldn’t stop so I looked crazy slapping myself, i even looked up “how to sell your soul” to make sure I didn’t? But then got scared after I read about two sentences on “how to sell your soul” then convinced myself I really did sell my soul. After confiding in my mom she blamed it on my “phone” and I agreed cause that’s such an easier thing to say it “explains it” but it wasn’t my phone it was just me and that’s so much harder to explain. For about two days my mom was my anchor reassuring me letting me sleep in her bed, but that was short lived after three days she was over it and openly talked about putting me in a psych ward, and like anyone would be I was scared so I put on a face that i was okay but really this “episode” lasted three months and I was alone and scared, and even though it’s been a few years sense this “incident” when I think about “Satan” I have to say a prayer in my head and pinch myself.

This is a realistic fear for me. Had it for decades.

I feel like I should give some context. So a year ago, I went though a two week thing of what I can only describe is some sort of psychosis. I convinced myself god told me I was going to die. I couldn’t sleep. And I even had my aunt take me to the er. I think this stems from the amount of loss I’ve witnessed. When I was 15, my dad died, 4 months after that my cousins. A year after that, my grandmother committed suicide. For the longest time I had the worse health anxiety…that is, until I met my current bf. Before, I’d be in relationships where I’d have to worry about my partner, because they’d be so consumed in their own problems. I never got to actually focus on myself. I’ve never been in a long term HEALTHY relationship. I used to have driving anxiety, but my boyfriend pushed me to get a car, and I’m now driving. Something I never thought I’d be able to do. My boyfriend pushes me in way and holds me accountable. Something no men has done before..not since my father was alive. I’ve come to the realization my brain is on the defense because I’m being held accountable to do better, which is why for the last month, it’s like I’ve been in a fight or flight mode. My thoughts just keep saying “leave”. No logical reasoning behind it. I’m very religious, and my boyfriend shares the same beliefs as me, something rare now a days. I’m just exhausted of these constant thoughts. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I’ve just been feeling hopelessness, and I won’t stop feeling these constant thoughts

+18 only!! TW for sexual content!! (This might be TMI, but I need advice) So, this is kinda embarrassing, but I haven't been able to self-pleasure without feeling shame or guilt. It's so bad that I've just stopped altogether, but I don't want to avoid it. It was something I enjoyed and was comfortable with, and now, because of OCD, it just makes me feel... gross. It's a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do, but my mind just tries to convince me that it's wrong. Had anyone else dealt with this? It's not a huge issue, but I'm tired of unnecessary shame. :(

Ok so about 48 hrs ago I was watching YouTube shorts, going through and i stumbled upon a video saying, some people don't believe in the Bible because it was written by men. And ever since then my brain has been going crazy. This doubt is like never before and idk what to do about it. Like literally I'm freaking out. But at the same time I feel like I could give two craps. So here is the kind of thoughts I get. Like I get thoughts saying. How do you know, this or how do you know that. Or like my mind sometimes says bad things, that degrade Jesus. But also at the same time my mind is trying to tell me he is fictional. But I dont believe that atleast i dont think I do. I don't want to believe that. Literally just 48 hours ago my faith was fine, I was talking to God and having a great time and now since then idk what to do. It's like I'm lost my complete faith in God. And idk what to do, it's like my mind is trying to convince me he isn't real, and I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm deliberately trying to not believe in him and idk what to do. Idk if I'm ok. I really don't......

(Disclaimer: I don’t have any thoughts about hurting myself or anyone else. No one else, no matter what they think about themselves, should try to hurt themselves or others. And no racism, sexism, classism, ageism, sizeism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, or any other kind of prejudice is ever justified.) ERP can expose you to thoughts that cause anxiety to try to interrupt the cycle of compulsions that help you cope with the anxiety until the thoughts and anxiety come back stronger. This way the thoughts carry less anxiety with them. I get that. And therapy helps give you insight into the intrusive thoughts themselves and to try to look at things other than in black and white. I get that too. The problem is that I don’t just have intrusive thoughts that upset me because they are terrible things that might be true. I have deeply held beliefs, almost like a moral system, a philosophy of life or even a religion, that is part of my identity. These beliefs are: 1. That everything I was ever given and everything I have has been stolen or defrauded from someone else due to the unjust society we live in. 2. That any goodwill, affection, or love that anyone has toward me is the result of their being deluded, codependent, coerced, or brainwashed. At a certain point, someone like me becomes so selfish and takes so much advantage of others that to continue to enable them is to be a doormat. 3. That all humans have rights they deserve, including myself, but that when someone like me who has always had immense privilege, great healthcare, great education, and loving parents and a loving spouse has gone through half their life and done nothing for anyone else and merely been a source of stress and anguish for others, they/I don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt anymore and should be written off by everyone. 4. Therefore, I don’t deserve any kind of help. I should be thrown on a trash heap and left to fend for myself. These beliefs are not instrusive thoughts. I don’t seek or need reassurance because I know these things to be true deep in my soul. This is the core belief that I base everything else in my life on. I knew it was true when I was child, even though no one taught it to me and I was surrounded by love. I know from the bottom of my heart that if I think that I deserve compassion and empathy and if I think that it would be ok for me to enjoy things like friendship, family and marital love, and professional success, I would be a sociopath because only someone with no morals or empathy would think those things when they have been proven, despite having been given everything, to be useless trash. The reason there is so much injustice in the world is that trash like me is not thrown away. I don’t think anyone should hurt me or anyone else. But we should have everything and everyone good taken away from us and left to fend for ourselves. That is the only way that we will have any dignity, because for once in our lives we will only have what we have worked for. I don’t think there are many people like me. I don’t know anyone else who is completely useless and who has completely wasted their life. I don’t think that anyone poor, abused, or oppressed is like me, and I don’t condemn any of them. But I think the fundamental evil in the world is that society enables people like me to suck parasitically on everyone else. We have to be cut off or burned off like the leeches we are in order for the world to be a just place. So what is the point of therapy if this is what I know to be true? Is it just to work up the courage to leave everyone and everything I have and throw myself on a trash heap until I manage to do something with my life? Therapy is not supposed to make you reject your religion, even if you have intrusive thoughts and compulsions that are religious in nature. What if this is my religion?

[Long Post] I have spent a long time coming to terms with my OCD and how it has affected my beliefs and my spirituality. I went through a period where discussions about religion triggered my OCD in such a way that it made my stomach hurt. I felt like I needed to run to the bathroom and puke or scream or cry. I would always feel that dread deep down that I wasnt doing enough; that I was wrong or selfish and would burn for my beliefs. It's taken a long time to get to a place where I feel comfortable, content and happy, but it seems like my parents could undo all of that. My dad and stepmom are religious, but theyre religious in a way that makes me very uncomfortable, triggering my OCD in such a way that it makes my stomach hurt. My stepmother is obbsesses with the afterlife and those videos that talk about what heaven looks like. She talks also talks about speaking with the dead and predicting the future, seeing ghosts and dark figures in the house. Hearing the devil??? I've had moments in my life where I thought that god was speaking to me and telling me bad things, or a presence that I thought was god only for me to get a scary image of it in my head and trying desperately to convince myself it wasnt real. So you can imagine my extreme disinterest in this topic of conversation. Then there's my dad. My dad keeps trying to get me to go to church, read the bible, and contort my beliefs. This morning he texted me a link to a bible app which I deleted. I tell him that I believe that being kind and loving is more than enough, and he tells me it's not. That that's not enough for god, that you have to go to church and fellowship and all that in order to do right by god. I hate all of it! That type of talk from him scares me, and it makes me feel that one day he'll try to convince me that I'm blasphemous and that god is disappointed in me, like being loving isnt enough. What sparked me to make this post was an incident from a couple of days ago. My dad came across a video on his IG fyp, and it was a pastor (i believe, possibly a deacon) who was talking about lies Christians have told people. He said some very comforting things like you dont have to be Christian in order to get into heaven, as well as some controversial claims like God sending Jesus to live, not die. It was an interesting video and it didnt seem to have any malice, but my dad immediately went "This man is dangerous" and then proceedes to go through all of the reasons why he was wrong out loud to me and my little sister. I eventually walked away, but he just kept going. I ended up looking up the page (compulsively) and was actually interested in what he was saying, but the comments held the same sentiment as my dad. I felt that awful feeling in my stomach again. I dont feel normal whenever they talk about this, it's like I disassociate. My religious OCD is warring with my genuine beliefs: love, comfort, kindness, acceptance. I hate how my parents make me feel. I feel like I need to run away, I feel like theyre trying to convert me. Apologies for my panic, I'd just like to know if I'm alone in this discomfort. Or perhaps I'm just looking for a little comfort and kindness<3

I’ve never used this site before, in fact, up til now, I’ve always felt like my OCD is something I don’t even have. I’m diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I always assumed that was the only thing that caused my persistent thought patterns. Lately, my therapist has been noticing more intense patterns that resemble OCD. My older brother and grandmother are diagnosed with OCD and it runs in my more distant family as well. (This is sort of a long rant and I don’t expect anyone to see it. I just need to get it out of my head.) Since I was around 12, I’ve had these little habits and fears that didn’t make much sense. I have face tics that happen in specific patterns. Example: first I raise my eyebrows and close my eyes, then I relax those and scrunch up my nose, then I relax my nose and pucker my lips. Always in that order and I do it until the urge to do it goes away. Throughout high school it went away, but I’m under a lot of stress right now (19) and it’s coming back persistently. Some of the things I’m experiencing now are: Having to physically move away from a railing out of fear I’ll lose control of my body and throw myself over. I have panic attacks when there’s an itch in my throat because I fear it will make me cough, which would make me gag, which would make me throw up, and I’m terrified of throwing up. I haven’t done it since I was 7 years old, since my mother (now dead) convinced me I can “think it away”. I watch the same episodes of the same tv shows over and over. But that could just be a comfort thing. I pop menthol cough drops every second of the day. Without them, I feel like I’ll be stuck without them and nowhere to run to. I always keep at least 10 on me everywhere I go. Sometimes, I’ll do an action that makes me feel unlucky so I undo it, hoping that the universe didn’t notice and nothing will happen as a consequence. If I see something really unsettling or disturbing on accident, I can’t get it out of my mind ever. I remember things vividly from years ago and I have to intensely distract myself or consciously make myself think of anything else to make the thought disappear. Sometimes, I look at people as I’m out and about and I think about how at any moment, I could lose control of myself and spout some horrible absolutely disgusting things about them and then everyone around me would know what a horrible person I am. Of course, I’d never think the things that pop into my mind, so I always feel almost paranoid that someone actually heard what I just thought. I experience this sort of, mental paralysis if something in my life is suddenly different. If my room is messier than usual, if I miss an assignment, if I have to make a sudden phone call. It feels like I can’t force myself to go anywhere or do anything because something is different. I changed my major during my first semester and for the rest of the semester I didn’t go to a single class, or do a single assignments. I stayed at my boyfriends place and just did laundry and dishes because it was all I could will myself to do. That may just me being weird and have nothing to do with OCD. Of course the harmless habits: having to have both feet on the ground when getting out of the car before the driver closes there door. Holding my breath while walking past open doors. Closing my eyes when passing a window or mirror. Really can’t explain those, I’ve been doing that forever and I don’t know why that even started. I’ve been going through a break/break up recently. I didn’t realize it, but my need for certainty and my persistent thoughts about my boyfriend that we’re never true were damaging us as a whole. No matter how much he proved his loyalty, those thoughts of him definitely cheating on me would interfere with how I treated him. I always needed to know where he was because if I didn’t know, suddenly he was out betraying me (in my mind of course) to him it was because I was just immature and didn’t have a life of my own. (Which is partially true) However, no matter how many times I’ve tried to control that behavior, no matter how many medications I was on, the thoughts persisted. The only thing that changed with medication was how badly I was affected by them. He basically said that we can take a break and come back when we’ve bettered ourselves. He refuses to tell me when because he thinks that will give me an easy way out and not have to actually better myself since I know he’s coming back. So, because I have no idea when he’s coming back, if at all, it’s been driving me absolutely insane. All my behavior patterns have been worsened and even some new ones have formed. I constantly check his account to see if he’s followed new people. If the numbers stay the same, I can feel calm. If they change, my day is ruined and I spiral. I keep asking the universe/god/whatever to give me signs to ensure that things are going the way they’re supposed to go. It was recently my birthday and I got to blow out two sets of birthday candles so I felt extra lucky when I used my wishes. (Of course I can’t say what the wish was but we can all assume) It was the anniversary of the day we met yesterday and it snowed (I live in south Texas) so I took that as another sign. I sat outside last night in the snow and saw deer appear out of nowhere and I took that as another sign. I sleep with his shirt and some plushies he gave me and one of our cats toys. I kiss each of them and say goodnight to them every night because if I don’t, I feel the universe will take that as a sign that I don’t love them and they’ll never come back to me. I’ve written thousands of reassuring words about our relationship and about him in my journals and notes app. No matter how many times I reread and rewrite them, those horrible gut wrenching thoughts of him already forgetting about me come to my mind and I do everything I can to get them out. As I was diagnosed BPD I was on a few medications that did keep thoughts like this (which I didn’t consider could be OCD at the time) at bay. I was on 200 mg of Seroquel, 200mg of Trileptal, and 200mg of Gabapentin. They did a nice job at keeping those thoughts out, although they would slip through and make me spiral every few weeks. However, I ran out of medication over two months ago, and I have no insurance right now. So I’m really started to feel those inescapable thoughts torture me every second of the day. (I’m aware that a lot of these things could be explained by my BPD and There’s a very good chance I don’t have OCD at all, I just found a lot of symptoms that resonated with me here as well. They could be co-morbidities for me, I could have one or the other, or I could just have BPD and am just imagining the OCD… not really sure) I know this was a total word dump and I doubt anyone will see this. (If anyone does see it, however, please avoid any relationship advice. I know what I want and the choices I make are never influenced by others and most of the time, relationship advice just worsens my thoughts. I really am just looking for any advice on these sort of thought and behavior patterns rather than their subject matter.) (I’m also 19 and know very little about life so pls be kind <3)

My last and almost life long theme/sub-theme largely subsided recently and my ocd felt like it wasn’t even an issue. Then I went on winter break from uni and being alone made my mind come up with a whole new topic to obsess over. TLDR on my fears, my advisor wouldn’t email me back for a while about signing up for classes so my mind started to worry “what if he doesn’t in time and you can’t enroll this semester and you lose this whole life you just built and all these new friends” So when that issue was resolved my mind found other scarier ways I could be uprooted from my current life and friends that I’ve grown so attached to. Then my mind remembered back when I was struggling with false memories and scrupulosity and I essentially made a post on a forum 2 and a half years ago saying I did something or was convinced I did something that I never actually did. Now I’ve been spiraling about someone finding it reporting me and I either get seen as a horrible person or arrested or something over something I never actually did but “admitted” to out of fear of going to hell. My mind won’t let it go and keeps finding new reasons for it to be “valid” “logical” or even inevitable. I feel like it’s just hanging over my head and I can never rest easy. Especially when I try to focus on my daily tasks or plan for the future I get this horrible flair up of “why plan for the future when this could come back in that future and you get uprooted from all of it” my mind won’t rest without certainty being uprooted won’t happen but certainty doesn’t exist, at least not with ocd. This sucks and I miss being care free.

ugh i just feel miserable and like im letting God down. im so scared to be punished by Him. im a believer and i feel like i’m just so hard on myself. does anyone else struggle with this? i feel like my repentance isn’t enough.

My OCD is getting better but i get random intrusive thoughts ranging from different subtypes, like i’ll be enjoying life and randomly get a rlly depressing thought that makes me afraid because i don’t want to believe the thought, and then the next second it’s a horrible harm ocd thought or a religious thought or pocd Please no reassurance, it’s just that i was wondering if anyone dealt else dealt with ocd that is rlly random and not just one theme I think this happens when you beat one big theme and OCD starts coming back in smaller ways? Either way, ik the solution, leave the thoughts, accept the uncertainty, don’t do compulsions 😌

(sorry for long paragraph but please read and give advice🙏) 2-3 months ago i got to a point where my thoughts were too much and i got numb and felt resentment towards God. I used to think “why did God allow this to happen to me” And it was just crazy. Now about a month ago i feel like i started to have ocd left over mind patterns where i guess my mind started having disturbing thoughts by it self? This time it didn’t feel like ocd. It felt like it was me. Truly me. And i didn’t feel guilty over it for a long time. After this I thought i had committed the sin of blasphemy and for a while i didn’t care? Or maybe i did care but since i was tired of having these thoughts i just made myself not care. Then for about 2 weeks i didn’t seek God at all. And all those thoughts in my mind had calmed down and i didn’t have any thoughts for a while. I felt at ease/peace? Idk if that was a good/bad thing. But recently my mom started talking abt how God is coming soon and that we need to be ready. And i told her to stop bc it was getting me nervous js thinking abt it. She told me “why are you scared if all you have to do is seek him” but in my mind i just kept thinking of my circumstance. but i kept saying “i’m sorry God”. Then yesterday morning i was crying to God and letting go of everything i felt bc the day before was a rlly bad day. So i was just crying and also asking for forgiveness. And i felt like God was actually listening to me? I feel like God still loves me but i just don’t get how. And if i’m truly forgiven. bc i keep thinking that i committed the sin of blasphemy. Because i don’t know if i actually care that i did or that if i care that my heart is hardened towards God. Idk what to do. Then i also wonder why i’m still alive after having all those weird thoughts about God. How can he possibly let me live? Am i truly forgiven? Is God not done with me and that’s the reason why i’m alive? or am i alive so God can punish me and do something to me and he’s just waiting for the right moment? Do i truly care? Do I actually want forgiveness? All these questions. Please help me figure all this out.

You will know why did i chose this subtype. Around christmas time, this problem was huge, i had it everyday and i felt shame after like the 4th day, i had to change my boxers every morning, cant explain to my parents cause they will judge me and say "well you should have a gf", i even search about it on google and its sad how many stupid answers are there... Many sites says that m*sturbation should help, and its healthy to m*sturbate, its good. Well now you see why did i chose this subtype. But let me tell you, its not just because im a christian and i dont like that, i did that around christmas time cause i believed it will help but i still woke up having a wet dream cause the m*sturbation stimulated my mind to be more sexual, with more sexual thoughts.When i go to bed, just right in that time these thoughts come and i dont know hoe to handle them, usually when i get them i just know, at morning i will wake up with a wet dream... Its really hard for me to manage these sexual thought. And again for me christian people, you know having a girlfriend wont solve it, it actually will worsen it, if sex is really the solution then i have to wait till marriage until this problem will solve, which is alot of time.. but i believe that there has to be a solution for this, the sites from google are lying, there has to be a solution, so im asking yall if you can say something. I dont want to be afraid to go to bed again and having everynight a wet dream. I did something that stopped it somehow but idk what was it, last night i couldnt stop the sexual thoughts, and in my dreams it was uncontrolable...

My ocd is going off the hinges. I can’t stop thinking God is angry at me and hates me and it’s weird. And can’t stop thinking everyone hates me. I can’t stop thinking that no matter what I try I’ll never get better. This sucks

If you suffer from Christian OCD and feel Jesus hates you and you’re going to hell every few seconds but I keep fighting it because when I pray it says Lucifer and I refuse to pray to him. If I do Jesus will send me to hell. I’m terrified. When does it end. Some Christian’s are so peaceful, I want that.. why.. I feel cursed forever. I have faith in others journey… not mine. I’m stuck like this forever. My mind will never be the same.

I’m kinda growing weak in my faith and trust in god that he will heal me or he’s with me anyone have anything they can tell me that will help me have a little hope?

ANY AND ALL RESPONSES ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED I’ve enjoyed a relatively peaceful time without the interruption of intrusive thoughts. But a few days ago some old doubts reserved though with a different twist than before. In older posts, I talked about my sort of religious conspiratotial intrusive thoughts. They’re usually really specific and crazy questions. And then with these questions I’ll try to rule it out with biblical truths truths- which is know is a compulsion on my part but it’s hard to resist doing sometimes. I say try to rule the questions out because this method (like all compulsions) doesn’t really help at all- it just creates more questions. For instance, the ones I’ve been having lately that are all connected are like this: what if god wasn’t working alone when he made the world? What if the devil helped and he hadn’t actually been bad- what if god turned him bad? What if god has lied about everything? What if the only way to know would be to actually get in contact with the devil like with a ouiji board? And this particularly scares me because I then have thoughts such as what if I do? Which then I tell myself I know is bad since god tells us not mess with the occult. But then my conspiratorial thoughts make me question if it’s really actually bad to do, or if it’s just god trying to hide the “truth”? Basically it makes me wonder if doing that which has been said to be bad, is actually bad if it’s to find out the truth. And with this specifically, it’s not like it’s something that physically harms others- it’s only bad in a religious sense. I haven’t actually acted on the thought but I get scared of doing so. I just want to be 100% certain of my faith which I know is technically impossible. Even being an atheist is a faith of its own. But even regarding the future with what my religion basically believes to be perfection for humanity, the thoughts still come into play. To try and shut up the thoughts I’ll say to myself “I guess I’ll just know in the future” which ocd then responds to with “unless god just continues lying and you’ll never actually know the truth and you’ll basically be living in a matrix.” I just don’t really know what to do because sitting with the doubt is so uncomfortable. I want to be able to know the answers to my questions, but I know I can’t. I don’t believe in god providing direct answers now, but I feel like even if I were to receive those from him, I’d still just end up doubting that. It makes me scared too because then I don’t even know if it’s really OCD or just a problem with me at this point. I hate these thoughts because it really just makes me question so much and it really causes me anxiety. And I know it sounds really stupid and crazy - looking at it from an outside perspective- and that my whole issue is just in my head, but still it doesn’t stop the doubts from causing my distress.

I’m going to sum this up so it isn’t a long read, basically when I was in middle school I had a friend who was two years younger than me, I was an eighth and she was in sixth grade. We ended up getting closer but at a certain point Around a year ago, I went through our old messages from when I was around 14, and just turned 15, where I had made sexual comments to her, and we are two years apart, to be more specific two and a half years. I am way older now, I am almost 21 soon, but I cannot stop thinking about this and feeling like a p3do. I don’t know what to do, I feel like a bad person, I also live a spiritual way of life, or I am trying, and it feels like I’m undeserving because I did this.

Hi I kept seeing this app on repeat on TikTok over and over and I thought I give it a shot. I have never been diagnosed with OCD but I know that I have it. I’m a young adult and I found out the first time I had OCD was watching lelelons truth video? I was 14 at the time She had to resist sitting back down in a chair after her having sat down she started having a mental break down when she was told to resist. That’s when I knew. It started with myself going up and down a staircase twice buckling unbuckling my seat belt everytime I’m in the car ect I have always been super anti social but trying my best I can socialize but my mind wants to make it sexual with family and friends ughhhh I hate it because that’s not me when I graduated thoughts of hurting my loved ones corrupted my mind I broke down outside of church one time asking if this was really me or not i question if I’m a good enough friend or person in this world to begin with thinking everyone is judging me so so close how can I make this situation better did I do something wrong I struggle with depression as well not to bad but it’s there I come from a loving family but broken as well i believe in god and my OCD makes me go often he’s not real that stuff isn’t real no one is there to save you the list goes on. Anyway I struggle a lot and I really hope that this will help me because I feel extremely hopeless. Lucky for me I do have the ability to seek therapy and I am excited. The only person I ever tell my thoughts to is God no other human has heard so I’m really really hoping this helps me out if your reading this thank you it means a lot because this is my first time ever admitting all this it’s a lot to take in I know and I hope you are ok and that you have a great night and know that we got this