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Anyone with this theme, can we talk please?

*not reassurance seeking* i feel no attraction towards guys anymore but i identify as straight. i feel like im just more aware of attractive women. i i also dont get anxiety from my thoughts. what if its not ocd and im actually in denial? and i get that ocd is a doubting disease but sometimes i have these moments of clarity just for it to go back to hell. sometimes i see a hetero couple and my brain would be like "you want to be in a relationship too but with a woman" and im just like🧍🏾‍♀️cuz wtf or "u can never be in a relationship with a man bc ull be wondering whether or not you should be with a woman" i had one intrusive thought and immediately lost all attraction and before this i had a crush on a guy for mad long😭its like my feelings changed overnight. i also cant be around my friends who r girls bc my brain is like "u think their walk is cute so u must be gay and in denial" or "they did something cute/adorable so ur gay" this theme is also worse bc im a Christian. does anyone else relate with me? i just want to know that im not alone with these.

Yesterday was one of the most challenging days since I was 15. I fell into a rabbit hole and did all the mental compulsions and sought reassurance in various forms. I completely broke down and cried and showered two times and felt alone. I talked to my sister yesterday and shared all my thoughts and what if’s. I needed comfort to know I’m not alone. At the end I asked her one of the greatest ways she can support me is to not reassure me. I was crying when I asked her, afraid that I wouldn’t be a reassured from a loved one anymore. I have dealt with SO-OCD since 15, it was through ERP and medication it became tolerable. Since then I’ve dealt with different themes from POCD, Health, Harm, Death and others. But SO-OCD is always the strongest. The days feel long and the nighttime feels like a battle. But last night I chose to practice mindfulness and to breathe. To not be afraid of my thoughts and what if’s and let them pass by. SO-OCD can feel so isolating, it feels like I’m denying or lying to myself even though I don’t see myself growing old with a woman. My mind twists that I have internalized homophobia or biphobia. And it’s just so tricky. Two weeks ago I was obsessing over a guy crush. And it feels like all my experiences with guys are false and has distorted normal interactions with women as signs. Not seeking reassurance in this section. I even went a long period without using NOCD. I know I’m not alone in this, we will get through this. We need to take it one day at a time. We will get through this. Sending strength and courage to all of you.

So I’ve been having OCD therapy for 7 weeks now and the exposures have not made me anxious whatsoever therefore it’s not really working. I think I entered my therapy when my OCD was kind of in the back of my mind but still there and I found myself pretending it was still bad like it used to be because I was worried she wouldn’t understand me otherwise. I was so sure it was OCD, not any sort of gender identity dysphoria, but now I cannot even be sure. The thoughts aren’t so loud but they’re still there and they come with feelings. Everything “female” feels really against my own personality now and I genuinely feel as if I am in denial. I feel like this is how typically all trans people feel. I still kind of obsessively stalk trans men online but with no objective in mind, I just consume their content.. I was sure that I DONT want to be trans bc my thoughts about gender started really really suddenly and I was so anxious that I barely ate or slept and I couldn’t think about anything else. But now that I’ve had this theme for so long I feel like I have enough proof to prove that I am actually trans. I was quite happy before this and had a strong sense of identity. But I can’t feel at home anywhere now and I’m just so confused. I don’t even have the same anxiety anymore but I get uneasy feelings. I’ve even started to compare myself to other trans men, convinced I am like them, and sometimes ways I could “come out” pop into my brain and I think about it. I can’t tell if those are intrusive thoughts or actually me planning it. I don’t know what to wear anymore because I’m not a feminine girl but wearing my extravagant androgynous clothes makes me feel really uneasy. Ever since this OCD has started I’ve been forcing myself to think of myself as a woman in excessive ways. I never really gendered myself before this but now in conversation I’ll refer to myself in a feminine way more than before because I’m afraid everyone else thinks I’m trans and in denial or something and I want to prove to them that I am a girl. All the thoughts and even actual FEELINGS I have about gender I push straight out of my brain and ignore them in a way that a trans person in denial would. I’ve stopped caring about my body and even touching my female parts is mentally painful and I try not to look at myself much. I have never ever actively desired a penis or a deep voice in my life, but I have desired to look more androgynous and to have a more “boyish” intonation when I speak (like some girls have a cool tomboyish voice that has more masculine intonations and way of speaking).. and I’m worried those things were the BEGINNING of me wanting to be a man, like I progress from there in wanting more and more masculine qualities. I always compare myself to one of my girl friends who was an androgynous girl like me but she suddenly started being hyper feminine. We are very similar but I find myself kind of forcing femininity on myself when I’m around her. I feel like a man compared to my girl friends, and something that worries me is that I’ve ALWAYS felt tall around them even though I’m shorter than most of them and the same height as the shortest. I think this was my mind subconsciously perceiving me as manlier as them or something. I just feel so empty and I don’t know who tf I am. I can’t even be sure that I don’t wanna be trans, like yeah it makes me uncomfortable but being cis is making me uncomfortable too. I feel like I’m denying the obvious but I could never ever bring myself to accept myself as trans, I don’t even know how people do that because I could NEVER. I feel like I have internalised transphobia. I kind of know I had OCD bc of the nature of the thoughts and my compulsions and the fact it started so suddenly and I have always had OCD, but I feel like despite my fear of being trans I turned out that way anyway.

I often get images of disturbing things in my head rather than having a fear that I’d do something to someone else. Does anyone else experience that? Like I’ll have a flash of people’s privates and then it sends me into a panic and I have to move quickly 😞

How do I react? I don’t know how I react. This morning the thoughts have gone insane and I had really bad groinal responses and I just felt…nothing. I felt too tired and exhausted to do anything about it except just sit there not wanting any of these thoughts or sensations. But why would my body react that way to something like that? Why am I not worried enough? Why am I not caring enough about any of it? Shouldn’t I be in distress and freaking out right now? All of it won’t stop and it’s like it’s all normal and I just can’t bring myself to do anything. What does that indicate about who I am and what may or may not be wrong with me? I’m so fucking tired of caring and worrying about any of this at all. When will I just accept that it’s OCD or just the one thing I REALLY REALLY hope it’s not?? Please. I can’t keep doing this.

so my intruisve thoughts have been more quieter, and not rumiating and do far less compulsions and far less time of doing compulsions. However the false attraction and the thoughts are still there and feel very real and impactful. Like my mind likes to call me gay and it feels very real but i feel zero distress or anxiety and when it calls me gay or something like that, it feels like the truth and ive become ok with it, but i dont want to be gay, according to what im typing. I tried to respond to it as,"this too shall pass," or,"just intrusive thoughts" but it feels like im lying to myself when im saying that now im doubting my own intrusive thoughts. And false attraction still feels real like im numb to it.

I am so embarrassed because I have a substance abuse disorder that no one knows about. This time last year, I was going through a breakup. I started hanging out with new people. They smoked weed. I started smoking. A bowl a night. It was the first time in my life I ever felt real peace, real contentment. I guess it wasn’t ‘real’ but I mean that my mind was bearable and I was happy. I felt more able to engage with people. I started smoking before seeing people or with people every time we hung out. I always wanted to be high. I started smoking before class. My grades suffered. I suffered. My anxiety and depression and self shame grew, it feels now the worst it’s ever been. I want to quit but at the same time I’m terrified of getting through this. I don’t know how. There were several times this semester I got high or drunk at random times a day just to feel a sense of ‘joy’. i also have a vaping addiction. this isn’t who i want to be. but i feel like it’s all that i am im so lonely but i don’t get real with my friends anymore because my thoughts scare me and i don’t trust my thoughts or see them as valid because the reason for my breakup was how much i suffered with sexual orientation OCD. I really thought I was questioning my sexuality. I loved him so much. I was so scared there would be a reason I couldn’t be with him. Growing up, I was religious so I was taught homosexuality was a sin. I was not attracted to girls (and didn’t understand why that would be a sin) Nonetheless. I had a best friend who came out to me as gay and in love with me. I started worrying about it, little thoughts, around this time. At first the diagnosis was encouraging It meant there were explanations for this But now I just don’t feel like I can trust myself at all Because it derailed my life before I just know two years ago/every other version of me would be so sad to see where we are now. I have very little hope for myself.

It feels dumb asking this as if I want it to be clarified to prove something, but I was on tiktok and saw something on tiktok (I don’t feel comfortable saying what) and I got a intrusive thought because of it. I wasn’t trying to let it bother me but I couldn’t just forget that that happened in my head. Why would something like that happen? Then I searched up “sexual obsessions POCD” on Google and the first site that showed up basically listed a lot of the stuff that’s been going on in my head. Then I started to feel better and relieved cause I was like “oh good it’s just ocd”. But it still makes me feel like it’s not…I hate this.

I'm stuck in a cycle of checking and I can't stop. I've checked porn, Google images, listened to gay people talk, gay people with makeup I've looked at everything trying to tell what I am but I can't get a conclusion except anxiety and more confusion I also get groinal movements from checking sexual things but apparently that can happen from anything sexual? Im so confused I can't tell if I'm bisexual in denial or just straight with OCD anymore it's so stressful I spend everynight repeating the same thing which is researching trying to find an answer good enough to stop this suffering I just want a girlfriend and my life back to normal bit I'm scared to get in another relationship due to them having to go through me having these doubts and loss of attraction at times :( I need help I don't want to live this life I want this to all go away and back to how it was

At this point I don't care if I'm reassurance seeking. I don't know what else I'm meant to do. I know this next bit is practically another confession but I'm all out of other ideas. In advance I'm genuinely sorry and I hate this. So I'm pretty sure I romanticise like adhd and maybe autistic traits. I'm sickened by myself. I read, and I was reading and this character, while not said to have adhd, in my opinion had the traits that I associate with it. And I feel like I like those traits. Do I find them cute? Interesting? I literally don't know. Only thing I know is that I'm disgusted with myself. I also remember feeling "something", whether that be a groinal response from worrying about being attracted to these traits, or actually being attracted to these traits, I have no idea, it's 50/50. But I'm pretty sure that it's the latter. I feel disgusting all over. I'm going to have a shower because I was going to anyway, but this won't even make me clean again, I know it won't. I just want to apologise, that's all. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't like it. I wish I was different. I wish I could go back to being young when the only thing on my mind was what I was going to have for tea. I knew no wrong. Now look at me. I am the wrong. Also I can't tell people about my worries because all they'll say is that it's intrusive thoughts and ocd. Like, okay, sure, maybe I worry more than the average person, but these are real genuine worries and I hate them. Maybe I'm putting this on the wrong place but I have nowhere else. I'm sorry. I'm just sorry. Words can't describe how badly I'm sorry. I think of what people with adhd would think of me. I'm disgusting. Maybe I'm just feeling overly sorry for myself to make myself seem like less of a disgusting monster, but I genuinely am sorry. I don't want any of this. I just want to be a good person.

I've been having a really hard time fighting HOCD for 5 months know. It got worse and worse, and it ruins my new relationship as well. I had thouhths like what if I'm gay for a few years know, but I always liked girls, I had a girlfriend, had a lot of girls in partyies as well, and I never had any sexual attraction towards men so I could get over these thouhths, but HOCD got really worse in the last 5 months due to some big stress in my life. It is so bad, it makes me question everything, my basic values. I love this girl, she is the love of my life, but I started questioning first weather I like her enough, and then the what if I'm gay question came. I strugge with false attraction, and it is so bad. Deep down I always know I like girls, but HOCD makes me question everything, I get a lot of mixed feelings, sensations and urges as well. I love this girl, I know I want to be with her, but my OCD tells me every type of shit,like: you don't love your girlfriend, you want to be with men, you like men and so on, but I always have so much anxiety concerning everything with my life since OCD and I could not think to the future positively. Not to mention my sex drive lowered, I have ED before going into the sex part, and I have anxiety concerning the whole topic as well, and I always question everything, whether I like it or not. I do ERP for a few weeks now, OCD got better for 2 weeks but it got stronger know then before. I try to do ERP all day, but sometimes my OCD is stronger. Could you please tell your stories or share some similarities to know I'm not alone. Thanks.

Hi! Thankful for this space where I can talk about things that are way too TMI for other people! I’ve had ocd for about 3.5 years now and have always been terrified to start a medication due to possible side effects. My ocd started as sexual orientation/relationship ocd and I was always so afraid that the medicine was going to take away that attraction from me and leave me feeling like my fears were true. I tried 4 separate times to take a med but never took it longer than I week because I got so anxious of the side effects. I’m getting married next year, and we’re waiting to have sex until we’re married. Mentally, I am unwell and probably should be medicated, but I’m still so scared of the side effects!!! I don’t want my first sexual experiences to be while I’m having a side effect from a drug, we’ve been waiting for 4 years and I really don’t want to throw sexual side effects into the mix of that. Additionally, I’ve heard people talk about how meds numb their emotions, and I want to be feeling happy and excited throughout this season of life! I don’t want meds to suppress me, but I need my anxiety suppressed. I feel stuck

I don’t know what to do! My 13 year old son has suffered with intrusive thoughts for years. He feels guilty of things he’s done in the past when he was super young and obsesses over it to the point that he has to come clean about everything!! He fears that he may be a phedophyle at times because of intrusive thoughts. He’s on Zoloft 75 for it, it was getting better for a bit but it’s getting aggressive again! He is so kind and such a good son and person. He is in counseling but his counselor doesn’t specialize in OCD. I don’t know if I should have them change his medication, idk if there’s a medication that will help him more. I’m so scared I suffered with intrusive thoughts as a kid and teen, I never got help but I’m good now.

It's always mention that OCD's main focus it's the doubt and the "what if" questions, but to be quite honest, my mind barely ever asked any question, most of my thoughs/feelings are like afirmations "you are into dudes" "you are in denial" and the feeling that those statements are true, with or withouth anxiety, that's how mine usually goes

I have been struggling with pure ocd symptoms for years, constantly fighting with myself and ruining relationships because of things that aren’t real. I’m not physically strong and I’m introverted and quiet, yet I constantly have intrusive thoughts about hurting my friends and family. I’ve had sexual images pop into my head or my dreams about every person, relative, animal that I’ve ever known. At 14 I had my first sleepover, where I locked myself in the bathroom all night because I thought I’d hurt my friend in her sleep. It didn’t help that I didn’t understand I was gay and that liking her was normal. I thought I was sick and twisted. At 21 I did the same thing, I was dating a girl and at her birthday party we shared a room for the first time. Even though we slept on different sofas, I still didn’t trust myself so I stayed awake all night. At 22 I went to a tattoo place and a massive storm happened, where all the roads closed due to crashes everywhere, so I couldn’t get a taxi home. My tattoo artist let me stay on his sofa. For the next few weeks I had intrusive thoughts that we’d had sex, or that he had watched me sleep and done things to himself at the same time. At 22 I slept with someone I thought was out of my league. I convinced myself for weeks that I never got consent even though I did. At 23 I was home for Christmas and had to share a bed with my little sister. I begged my parents to let me have the sofa to myself. I’d been having multiple pocd intrusions for a couple of months. At 24 I’m in my first relationship and I still continue to have these nightmares about everyone I know. It makes me feel like I’ve been unfaithful. My partner doesn’t trust me either. She wakes up and tells me she’s had dreams of me cheating on her, whilst i did indeed, have dreams about cheating on her. After drinking heavily one night I blacked out, and convinced myself I’d cheated through false memories. Cheating is the worst thing in the world to me so why would I do it.

so i've been okay so far with having sexual ocd but i just feel i've done something or im horrible bc im hypersexual due to my trauma of being sa'ed as a child and isolated my almost whole childhood so i didn't have anyone really but my sister to have friends and such but ive been yk living and not caring if i feel sexual abt someone or if i do something mb i think is out of urge to get out or say, but recently i keep thinking mb i did something bad where its obv or mb my sister or dad didn't notice what i did or thought it was that bad and i did something sexually bc of how i feel and such like i almost need it out of comfort and idk if im good bc i just feel so out of control now and ive been doing good so idk what's wrong with me and just trying to grasp onto memories bc there's memories where ik i was expressing me being sexual to get it out or i ignored it to just live still bc of my mom's advice ig like im losing track of thought and im starting to forget what i do and just feel so sexual or if i did something or if i even care, which im 16 and i just don't know on whay to do bc i feel ive been oversexualizing myself around older guys too to get groomed so i have more trauma and a excuse to do bad things? like thays whay my mind thinks but it's now happening with my dad and how i almost get it out bc i have no one and i just feel im terrible bc im like oh no abt it, i just wanna be a good person bc i have a mood where i feel nothing like idc abt my ocd or my thoughts which don't feel bad but yesterday i was thinking abt it and felt bad if so bc i was trying to remember and grasp mostly my mom's been here for me and it's like i try to tell her everything thay has happened or if i expressed myself in a situation to get reassure im not doing anything bad which i haven't and just living even if i felt sexual or blah blah but i just haven't and i keep thinking im horrible or did something bc i find it weird if it's normal of how im feeling or what not on whay to do i just dont know on whay to do bc im so confused of everything and my feelings like trying to normalize it and just how i feel is confusing, like for example i was at a shop and a older lady was giving me my cash back and put it in my hand aka touching me and i just thought of sexual and comfort like i wanted her to keep doing that but i find it normal to feel sexual but it's like has happened before and i'm not a bad person bc it happened accidentally or not meant but i want it to keep happening even if accidentally but wanting it purposely if inappropriate?? -sorry if it doesn't make sense, i have trouble expressing how i feel or am bc its just difficult for me but I just don't know and I asked my family if ive done anything and they said no but I keep thinking of memories of hanging on or trying to grasp to tell thay I did something sexually bad or mb slightly brush against, etc and it's like I did it purposely or yk feel sexual abt and want

hey there! i’ve been having a few quite bad days. i have a question to those of you who typically ruminate imagining scenarios: does imagining (e.g. kissing a female/male) help you realize you are straight? often it makes me feel straight, but sometimes imagining kissing a girl feels like i want it and i can picture doing and liking it do you also experience this?

My mind is literally running around in circles over this…. Bit of a rant, so stay if you’re ready to read it…. Okay so bit of back story: in the past while I’ve been with my bf, before I had ocd, I used to basically “like” or react to whatever post/photo (to an extent) I do admit some things were like why tf would I even like that…. Anyway so even tho I never had any bad intentions I used to like whatever, and not think twice about it…. I’ve always had the rules/boundaries for my partner that if he sees a photo of a girl in a bikini to just scroll on and not like or react because even if he had no intentions it made me uncomfortable… which is a fair request not that he was the type of guy to do that anyway… a lot of time has passed by since back then & I developed ocd (mainly POCD, ROCD AND SEXUAL OCD) I took myself off social media Agers ago because of being triggered and it just filled my head with bullshit. But I’ve recently had the intrusive thought “what if one day if you go back on socials you come across a tik tokker I followed who I’ve looked up her onlyfans befroe in the past - not with intent - just out of curiosity but still massive regret” anyway - me and my partner had a convo because of this thought, even tho I know confessing doesn’t help, and he basically said to me even tho I don’t consider myself bi anymore since I’ve been with him because of my expectations of him (which is fair) then it should be the same for me, wether it’s a shirtless guy or a girl in a bikini I don’t know (unless she’s my friend) then It’s not okay for me to like - now I’m just pointing out that’s not an issue for me, even if I would never have any intent by liking some tik tok persons photos or something like that - he still wouldn’t ever have intent either and I wouldn’t ever want him doing something like that…. So since that point because he said to me don’t like photos of guys with their shirts off or girls you don’t know in a bikini, it’s sparked all these questions in my head like , “what if it was a girlfriend of mine with their bf at the beach, or what if it was a friend of his that I became friends with his gf and they posted a photo at the beach, what if it was a friend of mine who posted a photo of her and her friend at the beach, or what if it was a photo of my boyfriend with his mate but they were at the beach, what if an old friend died and someone posted something for them but they were in a swimsuit.” Anyway I know these things sound ridiculous but that’s what ocd is, it makes me question my own morals…. Because my brain is not logical - it’s hard for me to understand right from wrong cause for so long I’ve felt everything is wrong, and because of how I used to be I just used to think that liking certain photos was normal…. I sometimes depend on him to tell me what is okay or not because I don’t have that logical part of my brain working, anyway as you can imagine I’ve had all the “you would like this, you wouldn’t like that, maybe this maybe that” all that BS! Putting images in my head, confusing me so much… I would never want to do anything to disrespect my relationship or man. When I’ve tried to ask him these specific questions it has made him almost break up with me because he can’t handle hearing this stuff 24/7… all the hypothetical things that won’t happen etc. He refuses to read or listen to those questions about specifics which he is totally in the right about putting up boundaries - I just am confused because ocd tells me one thing while my heart says another…. I have thought to myself that I wouldn’t have worried if he ever liked a photo of one of our mates with his gf, because I knew there would be no intent; but he still just wouldn’t do that because the girl is in swimmers and he feels that is disrespectful to me or our relationship. And now it’s saying well you don’t think any of this is a big deal it’s been repeating that for so long…. Like when I’ve found out something is disrespectful to my partner and he has voiced if he wouldn’t do that then I shouldn’t either - then it’s obviously disrespectful to me because anything that he feels disrespected by obviously I think is bad too cause I never want to harm my relationship. It just keeps saying “you don’t think this is a big deal” putting all these different scenarios in my head… like I’m not trying to think that??? Just because I may not have seen things as a big deal back then, doesn’t mean I feel that way now, when I heard it from his perspective it made me think differently and think I should have the same expectations of myself that I do for him - that Is fair and equal! But then I just have these continuous things go through my head trying to make it seem like I want to do those things or something… making it seem like that I think “he shouldn’t care because I have no intent” like um hello??? I know he would never have intent but I know straight up certain things would make me uncomfortable if he liked it. He is aloud to care just like I care about him liking certain things - my rules should be the same as his, isn’t that fair??? He does have a point, tho im not anymore, but I used to identify or think i was a different sexuality until I met my man, I didn’t want to associate with that label again when we were together. So really it should be the exact same rules for me as it is for him… so why the fuck does it keep saying that I will do these things or want to do these things or don’t see them as problem? When I actually do now. Even if I had no intent it’s about not disrespecting my bf, he never has spoken up and said these things before so I never used to see an issue with liking anything back in the day but I just feel like my whole viewpoint has changed now. All it needs to come down to is that if someone is shirtless or it’s a girl I’m not friends with who has a bikini on or something along those lines, then I won’t press like, simple it should be, not so simple for my ocd brain 🧠 to understand, because it puts lots of different hypotheticals to make me doubt and question everything, I would never mean to do anything that would hurt him, or disrespect him but he’s actually verbally told me what he thinks is okay and not okay - I trust other people’s judgment more than my own because I have ocd. It’s not like “oh my boyfriend told me no but I still want these things or think it’s acceptable” it’s not like that at all, when your partner verbalises to you something makes them uncomfortable you should be respectful if you love them & I do love him so much… why is it so hard for my brain to understand I’ve had a change of opinion compared to what I thought was okay in the past…. He won’t answer my specifics so just to be safe even if I never had intentions I’m just not going to like anything that has a girl in a bikini (unless it’s my friend) or a guy that’s shirtless - because I now view that as not acceptable because of how he has put it to me…. Why does ocd torture people like this? It’s demanding I give it Answers, I literally was just crying and almost having a panic attack today saying “JUST STOP” over and over again while I showered. I almost lost my relationship today because I can’t stop confessing for almost 2 years. I have lost him before because of confessions constantly, he doesn’t deserve this as much as I don’t deserve to go through this either. Like I just don’t understand why it keeps saying “this isn’t a big deal to you” when it has become one, just because it may not have been in the past doesn’t mean I have that mindset now. F U OCD.

I got very triggered today. I’ve been doing so good, but I read a couple of posts on here that were very triggering for me. I saw a one that it is more likely for this theme to be true and people find out they are actually gay at the end of it and then another one that had said they hadn’t figured it out yet and the just scared me. I don’t want to be gay. I have never looked at women or wanted to be with them until this hit me. It has caused me the deepest distress. I have lost all attraction towards males but now feel false attraction to females and it sets me off. I feel as if I have lost myself through out this. I do not know who I am or what I want. I just want my old life back before this. I constantly get the thoughts of “what if I am gay and just lying to myself” “what if it isn’t false attraction” “what if after all of this I find out I am gay” I’m just having a bad day, and I want this affliction to go away. I see posts where people have had it for years and it stresses me out. What if I never get better? What if these thoughts stay with me forever. I’m just struggling today.