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It's so hard for me to stop arguing with my thoughts?

Waking up “normal” or without anxiety is always the scariest. I’ve become so used to fighting, maybe the Sertraline is starting to kick in or I’m tired. I’m looking for the feelings of disgust or fear, I guess they were my compulsions. Is this the backdoor spike? Is this what recovery looks like? The days vary, yesterday I felt a tightness in my chest and started crying in a public place saying my usual compulsion “I want to be with a man” over and over. Wondering if I’ll live with this theme forever and be able to get married and have a family with a man like I always wanted. I’ve been able to live a semi-normal life even before or after my diagnosis after the episodes but being in the thick of it feels impossible. The thoughts and images along with compulsions play on loop 24/7. When I’m awake, when I’m asleep. Trying to remember what it was like to dream and go on with my day. No matter how much reassurance or articles, it’s not enough. I hate how OCD doesn’t respond to logic. Trying my best to live the life I lived before even when OCD screams at me that I’m lying and in denial. I’ve gone through this theme a few times, but each time feels like I’m experiencing it the first time.

Here's the full story I was fine no ocd no problems whatsoever march last year, then I had soocd where for 5 months ish I thought I was gay,bisexual and stuff but didn't know it was ocd, had chronic anxiety 24/7 and bad intrusive thoughts but it was bearable cause if I was gay I was gay, then out of nowhere pocd that's when I started to learn about ocd, again the same as my last theme but bearable again to the point where after a month of this i literally stopped thinking and obssesing. 4-5 months no triggers no symptoms I was recovered but then again pocd came back with the exact same symptoms intrusive thoughts and bad anxiety then it morphed and introduced worse problems like false attraction, gronials came back, for a few days urges, the whole package I've been in a cycle since November of a bad 2 weeks good 2 weeks bad 2 weeks good 2 weeks. Where symptoms came symptoms went and go less, now the symptoms are seem to be going the anxiety been gone for a while me panicking being Depressed about it seems to be stopping the feeling of being a p kinda there it's almost like it's true almost like this isn't ocd anymore the only thing keeping me going is the fact 3 months ago I was fine and was symptomless and my whole life up until the summer I had no thinking pattern to kids didn't care really at all apart for my summer job at a park serving drinks and stuff to kids while they play and go on the rollercoasters and stuff. Now I'm like I don't care my brain feels like I don't care I intentionally try think of a bad situation to see how I react I still react with like a spark of anxiety and spasm of no don't like this but idk Derealisation hasn't helped idk if I'm just having a horrible time rn or just idk someone please what are you guys thoughts

Hello, I have struggled with sexual OCD on and off for 4 years. I’ve gone through therapy but I never finished it, my therapist ended up leaving NOCD and I never went to a different one. My OCD really isn’t that bad right now but I still struggle with little things: checking my attraction, seeking reassurance, ruminating. I really don’t feel like I’m struggling enough to go to therapy again but I’m honestly just so sick of feeling on edge. My compulsions are automatic and it’s difficult for me to stop them. Does anyone have any advice on how to tie up those loose ends of recovery? Thank you 💞

when did ocd start for everyone? i remember having some small like perfection things like if i didn’t close my eyes and fall asleep at a certain number then i would die. but at age 12 hocd started and i got groinal repsonsss,guilt,everything. it slowed down then in august picked up at full speed and its awful.

why me why me that’s the question I ask myself every day every moment every minute every second of my life, my sexual orientation, obsessive compulsive disorder has been driving me crazy, I don’t know what to do no OCD for session is $170 and I live in UK. I am living in on benefits I can’t pay $170 for each session and I really need my OCD therapy like that way. I don’t like girls that way I don’t like girls that as the question I asked or rather say to myself every day every minute every second every second I get I only love love boys love men why is it so hard for my OCD to understand that? I don’t have a clue. Please can you help me I’m not asking for reassurance but I like to put everything in a writing message, so I can be with the unwanted thoughts I get about my sexuality, generally hate girls in that way my urges, my images and my unwanted thoughts are killing me right now

For as long as i can remember i have always been boy crazy. I have always had crushes on men, had sexual interactions with them, etc. I’ve never thought about a woman in that way. I remember around 2021 I had a “what if I were gay?” thought but after around a week it went away. Now the thought is back but 100x worse. Mid December 2023 i suddenly got the thoughts again. I can’t really pinpoint what triggered it, but it may have been the TV show I was watching. In the show a woman around her 30’s dated men and even married one but then all the sudden ended up marrying a woman later on. I starting to think “what if that happens to me?” I couldn’t fall asleep for days and would cry throughout the day. I eventually told my mom about this as I kept having anxiety attacks and she said well if you don’t only like men then that’s ok. But the thing is that I want to like men. I’ve always imagined my life with a husband and kids. I don’t understand how something like this could happen basically overnight. I used started therapy for my anxiety but how do I bring this topic up? Does anyone who has soocd/hocd think this sounds like ocd or could I really just be in denial. My days now consist of these persistent thoughts. I’m always on here or reddit/quora looking up my symptoms to see if anyone else feels the same. i don’t wanna feel like this anymore. i wanna go back to november when i didn’t have these thoughts. I’m still having the thoughts about a month later but the anxiety isn’t as bad which is making me feel worse. i feel like i should be more anxious considering i want to be straight. this isn’t me.

So I have been in therapy/medication for half a year now and I can safely say that it has changed my life for the better! 😄 I want to share some of my experience and advice ❤️ I know it might not work for everyone. 1. Think about your life and how you want to live it you are the only one that can decide how. When a intrusive thought comes and you want to do a compulsion you have a decision 👊 do you want to live the rest of your life in misery? Or live a free life with a calmer mind? Personally I realized that compulsions = bullshit life. I know it's hard to give up doing compulsions but you know it's going to spiral down into a dark hole so why not try something different for once? 2. Do some research on LGBTQ not as a compulsion but to have a bigger understanding of it. What helped me was that I realized that sexuality is a bigger spectrum than I thought 😯 I realized I couldn't be 100 percent sure bc it actually was impossible 🤷‍♂️ you could be a little or a lot. I found some peace in that I don't have to put myself in a box it's alot more fluid than you think. 3. This one is a little tricky bc it totally goes against my ocd but I try to be okay with the thoughts almost "force" myself to not make a big deal out of it and continue living the life I want! This one is maybe for people further into treatment. 4. Keep reminding yourself that life is a gift explore it as much as you can there is so much more to life than figuring out your sexuality I know people nowadays make it into a big deal but it really is not maybe you will figure it out? or maybe not? Things happen when it's time for it to happen. But remember you will be okay ❤️ don't waste it on ocd☹️ it's not worth it. You are the master of your own life! I wish for everyone suffering with this theme to keep fighting and finally find peace in the unknown all the love to all of you 💗💗

My ocd feels like my brain is convinced I am something that I don’t want to be, or never wanted to be. Even to the point it’s convincing that I like it, or want it, and I’m in denial for not accepting it. Since my first big theme (10 years ago) it feels like I’ve never been myself since. It feels like I’m unable to feel pleasure, excitement, drive for life. Either I’ve lost the ability or my brain says you have to figure this out before you can. It feels like a constant anxiety feeling in my stomach or back of my mind. It goes from mildly noticeable to full blown panic, but never fully leaves. It feels inevitable that it comes in the morning. Anyone else?

Not good today! I’ve been struggling with the thoughts again after having a little bit where I was managing. Just saw an advert of a woman putting on lipstick and it really triggered me looking at her lips like I felt a rush in my body and aroused and then a thought like being with a woman it what you really want….that’s why you’ve not been happy with your ex and why you have lost the attraction to men and find dating scary 🙈🙈I hate this! It was like a rush of excitement but made me feel so panicky and sick cause I don’t want that! I want to be with a man and have more kids! I’ve always wanted romance with a man! Sex now scares me cause of all the anxiety like it’s telling me I enjoy sex with a woman more but that’s not what I want! I used to like sex with men but I’ve always been more of a romantic than a sexual person HELP 😫

I feel so disconnected from myself. Like everything I’ve ever been happy and comfortable with has been a lie. I don’t know what and what not to believe anymore. I feel like I’m straight/bi now. I keep having these thoughts that tell me “you’ll get with a man and like it. You know it” and I hate it. I hate the groinal response I get with sexual intrusive thoughts too. I try to keep in mind that attraction is supposed to feel good and natural, but OCD tricks me into thinking that the hypotheticals DO feel good. Just never natural. I hate it.

It’s so hard to deal with the conflicting feelings that come up. It’s hard but sometimes I’m able I to feel love for my bf again and want to continue being with him, I enjoy our intimacy and the bond we share, but my mind keeps screaming at me that something’s wrong and I don’t want to be with him 😭 that I wouldn’t be happy with him in the future even though everytime we’re together I never want to leave or have it be over. Everytime I try to envision myself with a woman the fact that’s there’s no anxiety and feels calm to think about is so scary to the fact that I’m anxious when I think about a future w my bf and it feels like it’s not what I want:(

I’ve been dealing with OCD for quite some time, and have had plenty of themes come and go. Some lasting years and some months. I have three major themes that still haunt me. They’re this constant dread of death, my moral dilemma of if I’m a good person, and recently my gender identity as a man. They all tie into each other and I more or less look at them as evolved forms of “conquered” themes. Like my self harm, Sexual Orientation, and pedophilic/assault themes. Death is a hard thing to accept though and I no longer have too many intrusive about harming myself or others for that matter because I’m constantly afraid of death. I don’t feel like a good person for my constant compulsions and compulsive behavior. I feel weak to them. I give in to my constant googling and forum browsing. I know for a fact I ask for reassurance constantly. I question my own sexuality and gender identity quite often because I’m not sure if I’m a good man and how could I prove that I am? I have a lot of compulsive regrettable and more importantly unproductive sexual encounters to make me feel like 1. I’m not gonna die 2. I can do something with my life that isn’t destructive 3. I’m a man doing my duty. Now for the gender identity portion of this I wanna make it clean that I love people from the LGBTQ+ community and support them 1000% but I feel like I’m a horrible person for being anxious and uncomfortable with these thoughts because nothing’s wrong with being gay or trans y’know?It’s either what if I’m in denial or what if I’m being too feminine y’know the whole “what ifs” thing? I don’t wanna die, I wanna be a good person. I am genuinely just scared, I just wanna live and not have the noise so loud. I mean I have panic attacks constantly. I try not to ruminate but it’s an ugly battle. It seems to me that my OCD flares up moth to month like I’ll have a good month of manageable intrusive thoughts but then the next moth I just decay. You know how many times I’ve scanned my mind just to find proof for and against all these themes? I’m sure some people can relate. OCD has made my life so isolated and I hate myself for that. I’m sorry for all the words, I’m just a mess right now. If you read this far I appreciate you so much.

So I’ve had this recent obsession that has made me upset. It’s basically an obsessing about blushing… when you’re young and see your crush people tend to blush for example, but people can also blush in situations of feeling embarrassed, anxious, joyful, excited, happy, nervous, feeling flattered etc… I am in a committed relationship and love my man immensely, ocd has been putting these thoughts/ideas of what if I blushed at someone and trying to make it seem like it’s a romantic/sexual/crush type thing… which I feel is making me very hyper focused on blushing… like it’s just making me uncomfortable because though I know we have no control over blushing, ocd saying to me I’m going to or have blushed over people because they’re attractive while I’ve been with my partner - makes me extremely uncomfortable!!! As I said blushing comes from lots of different emotions, it does not always mean you’re romantically/sexually interested in someone? I know this is kind of reassurance but can someone explain to me it is possible to experience blushing from multiple emotions and just because I see an attractive person doesn’t mean I’m going to blush over seeing someone attractive?? Like I blush when I smile (I have naturally very pale skin and redness in my cheeks a bit, and I find even smiling can trigger blushing)… I also go quite red from being anxious or embarrassed. I’m not in highschool and don’t have “crushes” on anyone, I am in a committed relationship and don’t want to feel I would be “blushing” over someone that’s not my bf in the way I would blush over my bf??? If that makes sense? Sorry I know this is so far fetched but I’ve been obsessing for days and trying to work on not confessing to my partner. Wanted to come on here to ppl who know what I’m going through and maybe see if anyone has any advice for me in this situation? I have started therapy but only see him once a fortnight and he isn’t an ocd specialist…

Up until who knows when, i was always straight and showed no signs of being gay, and this is what i know for sure. I do not remember what its like being attracted to girls anymore, it has been so long, i do not know what i want at this point. I do not know what is hocd or what isnt anymore, i feel like i have been so worried about being gay for so long that i dont even feel the symptoms of hocd anymore. People say “if you feel like being gay ruins your image” or “if you get anxiety when thinking gay thought or feeling gay feelings, then you are not gay and that is false attraction” but i dont feel anxiety anymore with those, i feel anxiety when thinking about being in relationships with women now, idrk if it is being gay that does that or being hurt by past relationships so much that it does. I cant tell what feeling is what or anything. I know i was feeling what people say are signs of being straight at some point but i do not anymore. The feeling of being gay and gay feelings or thoughts are overtaking me and its like i am gay at this point but i just dont want to be and i dont know why i dont want to be anymore. I just need advice and i dont know what to do.

Have you had nights where you didnt sleep completely because of the hocd ? I didnt sleep the whole night yesterday 💔

I hate to admit this but I used to watch a lot of porn. I always had crushes on boys and wanted a boyfriend all my life. And I indentified as heterosexual. I’ve had this theme twice and gotten over when another theme took over. Unfortunately I watched a lot of female porn, and woman to woman porn and now my mind is telling me I’m bisexual. I’m so sick of this cus I don’t wanna be bisexual. I get false attractions all around. Am I suppressing sexuality? I feel so ashamed. Completely stopped watched porn.

I was in the back seat of the car and my granda was directly in front of me and my little sister was standing up directly in front of me and so she bend over for something and her bottom touched my knee i am absolutely freaking out i feel like my life is over 😣

I had these horrible nightmares that covered the most disturbing of my ocd subtypes and intrusive thoughts. They were so vivid and all disturbing and I just woke up. Thoughts of what if it’s something you want or other what ifs. And I’m so uncomfortable which is an understatement. I don’t even want up get up because I’m so uncomfortable. This is awful

I’m just curious if anyone has ever experienced this? Whenever I spend the weekend with my boyfriend the following day my anxiety is extremely heightened & I find myself over analysing everything from the time I spent with him. I feel very sad / anxious when I should be feeling happy which of course then adds further evidence to HOCD thoughts.